Monday, January 12, 2015

The Worst of The Divisional Round Vol.VIII

Ohio can not compete with this.
Some time around midnight tonight, we will have our first ever College Football Playoff Champion or as the Big 12 would say, ONE TRUE CHAMPION.  Hey, that's great.  But go ahead and read this real quick.  Ohio starts second semester today and generally you would say that skipping the first class or two is not the best idea ever.  Ohio has around 60K students.  Let's say 10% of them are in Dallas right now.  Unless they worked out some sort of deal with a professor that they don't know, 6,000 kids could be dumped from their course schedule before they get back to Brohio.  I would imagine that many faculty members would be cool with this but no way all of these academic types will be.  There will be issues.  It's an interesting dilemma indeed.  One that I think is pretty important and a big reason why an 8 game playoff probably should never happen.  You can LOL and scoff at the notion of prioritizing academics and student athletes all you want but it will always be the driving force of what makes college "college".  It's a tough sitch no guff and I'm not sure what I'll do when the RedHawks are playing for a title next year and I have to tell my boss to fuck off.  Will happen!  Final prediction for tonight coming at the end.

Let's turn the conversation over to the superior brand of football.  The kind that correctly doesn't glamorize marching bands or "Band of Dorks" as Jim Rome calls them.

Cris Collinsworth and Al Michaels - Roger Goodell was in New England sitting among the people like the people person he is.  I assumed that the B on his Cowboys-colored hat stood for BLOWS.  The NBC team just couldn't stop talking about how much integrity he has and America collectively puked.  Oh sure, his buddy's report "proved" that he didn't lie, just that he's incompetent.  Good for him!

Big Joe ELITE - There are very few things in the world that I love more than hopping on the Playoffs Flacco bandwagon and being obnoxious about it.  And for three quarters or so, I was the jolliest asshole this side of the nuthouse.  But he had two bad interceptions (which were definitely the receivers fault probably) and, like a leader, accepted the blame himself.  Still, the guy has 8 straight playoff games of at least two touchdown passes which is an NFL record.  Maybe one day he can play some of these games at home.

Danny Amendola - This guy is terrible.  I know that he scored twice but he sucks so much.  Also horrible: Brandon Bolden.  What does he do?  You might as well punt if you give him touches.  The Pats had 14 rushing yards...it might be time to stop being a smug dick and play Jonas Gray who is their best RB and always has been.
  
John HarBRAH - Oh, Johnny, you are certainly one of the best coaches on the planet but you got outsmarted by Josh fucking McDaniels and bitched and bitched and bitched some more about it.  I understand why as your opponent is widely known for their blatant cheating but they got you good, you fucker.  It was nice to actually see a flag thrown when some raving derelict comes storming out onto the field though.  Should be more consistent with that IMO.  Great game though...until next year Team ELITE.  Try to stay out of the news this offseason.

Dick LeBeau - QUITTER!  You could tell that he always had one foot out the door.  He was never committed to that football team IMO!

Marshawn Lynch - He didn't have a very good game and the Hawks, for some reason, give the ball way too much to NFC Brandon Bolden AKA Robert Turbin, but he made up for it with his "I'm thankful" replies to the media after the game.  Lynch is the best.  Media shitheads complaining about him make me love him more.

Cam Newton - You know, I thought that Carolina played about as well as they could.  Even a perfect game from them probably was not going to be enough.  But Cam had that game-clinching pick and that was that.

Richard Sherman - I just don't get this.  He should have lined up across from Kelvin Benjamin for the entire game and the Panthers would have done nothing.  But he stays on his side and Cam kept throwing at the back-up corner.  This feels stupid to me and Sherman is a good enough player to be able to dominate anywhere on the field.  Revis does.

Kam Chancellor - He is only here because somehow he missed both field goal blocks on his amazing first half line leaps.  I have no idea how he missed either one of those.  But then he had a pick six and nearly killed Bowling Ball Mike Tolbert on a tackle so whatever.  The important thing here is that the boring ass Panthers are out.

Not the Bills - We got a good laugh at their expense last week for how Doug Marrone completely owned their ass but they ended up with a giant upgrade as Rex Ryan is bringing his foot fetish upstate.  Great hire...there isn't a better coach for an incredible defense and a horrendous QB situation than Rex.

POETIC FUCKING JUSTICE!!! - Yes!  THAT was perfect.  You want to steal that win against the Lions?  Then how about losing the next week in the signature Lions way!  I loved that so much.  Does the rule suck?  Of course it does but it hasn't been changed since it was initially bullshit so you DEAL WITH IT.  That was not a catch.  Period.  But as really stupid people argued last week, Dallas didn't lose because of that one play DURR!

I mean, seriously, how fitting was that!!! - Dez is ELITE but he deserved that shit for getting off last week.  I love it when sports right OBVZ wrongs.  As someone who has hated the Dallas Cowboys since birth, yesterday was an ELITE day.  Some of you hate the Packers and I get why, but the Cowboys are pure fucking evil.

Aaron Rodgers Calf - Bruh, that thing better heal up quick because if he can't move around better next weekend then the Seahawks are going to murder #12.

NEW YORK BOZO - This GB line call was probably in reference to Chris Christie even though the state was wrong and he didn't call him a whale, but I like to think he was poking fun at the Knicks.

Trent Richardson - INACTIVE!  The Browns traded him for Johnny Manziel and STILL won that trade.  Amazing.

Demaryius Thomas - Dropped everything!  He was so much better when he had a great QB like Timmy Tenor throwing to him.

John Fox - I'm 99% sure that the championship that the Broncos title window is closed, but if it isn't then they need to fire this guy and get a real coach.  Fox sucks.

Mike Carey - WRONG AGAIN!  This guy is so bad.  Mike Pereira adds something to the broadcasts probably because he is always loaded on Tito's Vodka.  Carey is the absolute worst.  It isn't even funny anymore that he is always wrong.

Peyton Manning - And then there was King Choke.  Bros, it's over.  His arm is shot.  He can't throw at all.  I would not be surprised if he retired.  That was embarrassing.  That Colts defense is BAD and they looked like the 2002 Ravens out there.  And the Manning era ended like it should have...with another pathetic home loss to an inferior team.  I look forward to everyone coming around and saying that I was right.  Peyton is the most OVERRATED QB in NFL history.  BOW DOWN.

SEA/GB and IND/NE...I find it hard to see an upset there.  I think that both home teams win and the only thing that matters is the spread.  Either way, DALLAS AND PEYTON ARE GONE!

We'll close with my prediction for tonight's title game.  I think the fine line between winning and losing is quite simple: whoever runs the ball better, wins.  I would say that the first team to 200 yards on the ground is going to be the champ.  I've been pretty steadfast all along that Ohio Buckeyes are going to win.  I mean, I could see this being a Coronation of a King sitch where Mariota ends his college years on top, but I just don't see Mark Helfrich out-maneuvering Meyer.  Plus, I heard that Oregon's coaches don't yell at their players and believe in "horizontal leadership".  In other words, pussies.  Ohio Buckeyes 38 Oregon 32. And I will be a very sad panda tomorrow.  Still though...QUACK QUACK NOGG!

38 comments:

Grumpy said...

Eli is the better Manning. You are a football GOD.

GMoney said...

Appreciate the kind words. Hear that the Steelers are looking for another octogenarian to run the defense. I will write you a letter of recommendation post haste.

DAT COWBOYS LOSS THO.

Anonymous said...

Wait.....THE Ohio State University is playing for a national championship in the 1st ever playoff tonight and you expect me to discuss the inferior NFL? L O L Z!

First off....this is just out of curiosity...Slow...a couple months ago you made the statement that the only college football team that you truly hate is Oregon. Does that mean I've got you in my corner tonight?

I haven't been this excited for an OSU football game since OSU/UM in 2006. I've already had two nervous shits this morning....stomach woke up turning. I don't know how I'm going to make it through today...but, I shall. I DVR'd the four hours of ESPN coverage last night...and just started it...so, that should get me til' about noon. What a fucking day this is gonna be.

I'm sticking with my Oregon prediction, just because I don't want my OSU biases to creep in on that. I said Oregon was the best team in the country before the semis...so, I'm sticking with that. But, I am feeling a lot of momentum on the OSU side. Way to smoke some weed recently Carrington....LOLZ.

Oregon 39
OSU 31

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Jesse Palmer just told me he can't think of a team that has overcome more injuries this year than Oregon...LOLZ!

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Drew - 100% in your corner... I don't hate OSU. In fact, I do pull for them (in football), but don't express my like for them on this site because it makes it more fun... plus I don't like to admit liking the same things as some of the moronic OSU fans out there (I know some terrible OSU fans). My wife is an Ohio State grad and fan, so that helps as well. But ultimately too, I fucking hate Oregon. Go Bucks.

I don't like the Cowboys at all, but that is the dumbest rule ever - that was a catch. I liked the karma, but so sick of the refs controlling so many important outcomes.

Stick a fork in Peyton. I felt like I was watching the Brady Quinn Browns offense with that many dump down passes. You can get the fuck out of here though with your most OVERRATED QB in history, though. That loss wasn't that surprising. They haven't been good since week 12 and Peyton is either not healthy, or somehow age caught up with him mid-season. He's still one of the greatest QB's of all-time.

Seal

GMoney said...

I'm going to stand beside that OVERRATED call. He's a stat compiler and a nice guy from a football royalty family. But he comes up small on the big stage every fucking year. It's not like this is new. This has been happening for over 15 years now.

I refuse to be a sheep and make excuses for him like everyone else. Maybe if he spent more time in the weight room instead of Papa John's test kitchen, he could throw a football further than your average 11 year old girl.

Drew, come on, bruh. Get off the toilet and at least acknowledge the fitting end to the Cowboys season. You fuck with the Lions and the Lions fuck you back even harder.

So when Ohio Buckeyes win tonight and relatively easy, Drew is not allowed to say anything tomorrow because he picks them to lose today. Got it? DEAL!

Prime99 said...

That Pats/Ravens game was an ELITE watch. I too enjoy the Flacco bandwagon now that Ray Ray is retired.

That brings up an interesting point tho, why do people jump on bandwagons like Cakes? There isn't a need to cheer for anyone, just watch the games for fun. My Flacco bandwagon thing is all for Twitter jokes, but I saw a Broncos fan shit talk Peyton's legacy and state he's jumoing on the Packers bandwagon. What a sell out.

Prime99 said...

Drew is heavily avoiding #CausedByDrooler. Good for you!

Anonymous said...

G$...The Lions fuck nobody.

Prime....you got it. If the Buckeyes win tonight then we're gonna have to move #7or8wins to #CausedByIcemanAndG$

Slow...you are the man!

--Drew

Jeff said...

To quote a true Michigan man shefty, "why are all these rules deciding the outcomes of games?" LOLZ! Or something like that. It is a dumb rule and that should be a catch all fuckin day, but rules are rules. I'm sure that will be changed though. It does seem like no 2 refs, or mike Carey lol, interpret any of the rules the same and that's the problem.

Peyton is toast. That arm is a noodle. If you throw short of the sticks on 4th down and hope you're receiver makes a play you know you're done.

I too think Oregon wins tonight, but it should be a dandy. If OSU doesn't turn the ball over, especially after Oregon scoring drives that will be yuuge.

Anonymous said...

Jeff said it... The biggest problem in all of this and what causes the most controversy is when one ref says one thing should be the call and they make a different call on the field. They make themselves look like assholes. At least the Browns suck so fucking bad I dont ever have to worry about them losing on a boner call in the playoffs.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Slow...you take the Browns more serious than I do the Lions. But, the good part about being a Lions fan and getting boned on call(s) in a playoff game....you know your team was gonna fuck it up somewhere down the line anyways, so whatever.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Mike Carey makes the actual refs look worse because he is always wrong and says that the field call post review is wrong even though it never is.

Pereira was at least all over it by saying that that was going to get overturned. If they didn't overturn it after the Lions got hosed then I doubt that they do anything about it today. After all, the Cowboys didn't lose because of the refs LOLOLOLOL!!!

The Lions fuck themselves. Does that count?

It's kind of hard to justify not paying these college kids anymore when ESPN is treating tonight as if it were bigger than the Super Bowl plus apparently LeBron is allowed to give everyone and anyone whatever he wants to now. How about you get your ass back on the court and stop this shitshow, bitch?

Anonymous said...

So, lost in other things, was the Chronic's a fumble or not?

GMoney said...

^^^Huh?

Not to defend Mr. STANFORD FOOTBALL, Drew, but Oregon has started 9 different (or THE DIFF) OL this year and a fuckload of receivers. Outside of QB, Ohio has been relatively healthy all year (including all 5 OL starting every game). So I'm going to side with him on that one. It's OK though, you don't know football. That's why I'm here...to teach you things.

Anonymous said...

Josh Cribbs in the DEN/IND game caught a punt and was drilled by both his own teammate and a bronco. He appeared to fumble and that would have set Denver up at about colts 30.

So fumble or not? Nobody talking much about it cause of the other call.

GMoney said...

Who calls him The Chronic? LOL dumb.

I was making dinner when that happened so I side with the opposite stance of Mike Carey.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ! Maybe their OL are just pussies. Jacoby Boren is playing with shit all torn up in his ankle...because he's BOREN STRONG. That's how OL deal with adversity.

--Drew

GMoney said...

You knowing this is a blatant HIPPA violation and I intend to press all the charges.

Prime99 said...

Drew- can you send out a pic/link of your shirt for tonight? Better than the one from yesterday is the claim, correct? Thanks in advance.

Anonymous said...

Prime...I just looked at that tweet as you confused me. It appears I used some poor English...I just meant the shirt I was wearing yesterday and today is better than G$'s shirt. Same shirt. Sorry for any confusion.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

Eli is better than Peyton continues to be the dumbest thing in the world. And Peyton can't be the most OVERRATED ever if he has a ring. Remember how much emphasis you shit dicks put on rings at this site? He'll always have more rings than other "stat compilers" like Marino and Kelly. But he does look like he's toast. I don't see how Peyton comes back next season.

At this point reporters are just being assholes with Lynch. They all know what they're gonna get when they jam a mic in his face. Just leave the guy alone already.

Cakes might be dead. I haven't seen or heard from him in awhile.

That catch rule needs to change. So fucking dumb. But by the letter of the rule it appears the crew did get it right. So there really isn't anything to bitch about with the officiating crew.

Can't wait for Aaron Rodgers calf watch 2.0 this weekend.

GMoney said...

No, Cakes just posted a pic on Facebook of his Dick Hunter tee shirt. It was embarrassing.

GMoney said...

Here we go...Peyton played the last month with a torn quad. Sure he did. That seriously inhibited his read option game. Jesus, everyone always making excuses for this guy. Played the whole season with a severed spine IMO!

T. Iceman said...

Peyton's torn quad > Rodgers' torn calf

Anonymous said...

Iceman...as our college football writer (LOLZ)...please provide your prediction for tonight.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Got it now, Drooler. Thanks for clearing it up.

T. Iceman said...

Is there anything better than the entire Internet trolling the shit out of Skip Bayless right now? Even Mark Schlereth is getting in on the action. I've never been a big fan of Marky Mark and his hilarious attempts at black talk, but he earned some points back with me today. Bayless is the turd's turd.

GMoney said...

Kirk Barton is abysmal at radio. He is possibly worse than T-Bone.

Anonymous said...

I had some beers with Kirk Barton the night before the Michigan game inside the WHAC (OSU Football Facility). Nice guy...told me some good stories about his year or two on the Lions. He said Raiola is just a complete psychopath.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

No you didnt.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I most certainly did...great time. Went with my parents for like $ 135 a ticket that went to buying the gold pants that this year's team will treasure for forever, give to parents or sell/swap for video games and tattoos. Can't wait for next year.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drew is TBone.

T. Iceman said...

The legend of Mark May continues to grow. God bless that man.

http://awfulannouncing.com/2015/video-mark-may-booed-texas-ohio-state-fans.html

Prime99 said...

Did most Ohio fans take the day off? Or tomorrow off? I'm just curious if this ends up being a short week at most workplaces because of the game?

Anonymous said...

Prime...I'm "working" from home today and tomorrow. But, I work from home two to three days a week for the most part so it's not too different.

I know quite a few people with tomorrow off...and people leaving a bit early today...but, not many taking today off.

Anonymous said...

I'm taking tomorrow off. My office is close enough to where I am watching the game that there was no reason for me to take off. Hell, I might stay later than usual.

Ide

GMoney said...

People leaving work early for a game that starts at 8:30. Hilarious.