|Ohio can not compete with this.|
Let's turn the conversation over to the superior brand of football. The kind that correctly doesn't glamorize marching bands or "Band of Dorks" as Jim Rome calls them.
Cris Collinsworth and Al Michaels - Roger Goodell was in New England sitting among the people like the people person he is. I assumed that the B on his Cowboys-colored hat stood for BLOWS. The NBC team just couldn't stop talking about how much integrity he has and America collectively puked. Oh sure, his buddy's report "proved" that he didn't lie, just that he's incompetent. Good for him!
Big Joe ELITE - There are very few things in the world that I love more than hopping on the Playoffs Flacco bandwagon and being obnoxious about it. And for three quarters or so, I was the jolliest asshole this side of the nuthouse. But he had two bad interceptions (which were definitely the receivers fault probably) and, like a leader, accepted the blame himself. Still, the guy has 8 straight playoff games of at least two touchdown passes which is an NFL record. Maybe one day he can play some of these games at home.
Danny Amendola - This guy is terrible. I know that he scored twice but he sucks so much. Also horrible: Brandon Bolden. What does he do? You might as well punt if you give him touches. The Pats had 14 rushing yards...it might be time to stop being a smug dick and play Jonas Gray who is their best RB and always has been.
John HarBRAH - Oh, Johnny, you are certainly one of the best coaches on the planet but you got outsmarted by Josh fucking McDaniels and bitched and bitched and bitched some more about it. I understand why as your opponent is widely known for their blatant cheating but they got you good, you fucker. It was nice to actually see a flag thrown when some raving derelict comes storming out onto the field though. Should be more consistent with that IMO. Great game though...until next year Team ELITE. Try to stay out of the news this offseason.
Dick LeBeau - QUITTER! You could tell that he always had one foot out the door. He was never committed to that football team IMO!
Marshawn Lynch - He didn't have a very good game and the Hawks, for some reason, give the ball way too much to NFC Brandon Bolden AKA Robert Turbin, but he made up for it with his "I'm thankful" replies to the media after the game. Lynch is the best. Media shitheads complaining about him make me love him more.
Cam Newton - You know, I thought that Carolina played about as well as they could. Even a perfect game from them probably was not going to be enough. But Cam had that game-clinching pick and that was that.
Richard Sherman - I just don't get this. He should have lined up across from Kelvin Benjamin for the entire game and the Panthers would have done nothing. But he stays on his side and Cam kept throwing at the back-up corner. This feels stupid to me and Sherman is a good enough player to be able to dominate anywhere on the field. Revis does.
Kam Chancellor - He is only here because somehow he missed both field goal blocks on his amazing first half line leaps. I have no idea how he missed either one of those. But then he had a pick six and nearly killed Bowling Ball Mike Tolbert on a tackle so whatever. The important thing here is that the boring ass Panthers are out.
Not the Bills - We got a good laugh at their expense last week for how Doug Marrone completely owned their ass but they ended up with a giant upgrade as Rex Ryan is bringing his foot fetish upstate. Great hire...there isn't a better coach for an incredible defense and a horrendous QB situation than Rex.
POETIC FUCKING JUSTICE!!! - Yes! THAT was perfect. You want to steal that win against the Lions? Then how about losing the next week in the signature Lions way! I loved that so much. Does the rule suck? Of course it does but it hasn't been changed since it was initially bullshit so you DEAL WITH IT. That was not a catch. Period. But as really stupid people argued last week, Dallas didn't lose because of that one play DURR!
I mean, seriously, how fitting was that!!! - Dez is ELITE but he deserved that shit for getting off last week. I love it when sports right OBVZ wrongs. As someone who has hated the Dallas Cowboys since birth, yesterday was an ELITE day. Some of you hate the Packers and I get why, but the Cowboys are pure fucking evil.
Aaron Rodgers Calf - Bruh, that thing better heal up quick because if he can't move around better next weekend then the Seahawks are going to murder #12.
NEW YORK BOZO - This GB line call was probably in reference to Chris Christie even though the state was wrong and he didn't call him a whale, but I like to think he was poking fun at the Knicks.
Trent Richardson - INACTIVE! The Browns traded him for Johnny Manziel and STILL won that trade. Amazing.
Demaryius Thomas - Dropped everything! He was so much better when he had a great QB like Timmy Tenor throwing to him.
John Fox - I'm 99% sure that the championship that the Broncos title window is closed, but if it isn't then they need to fire this guy and get a real coach. Fox sucks.
Mike Carey - WRONG AGAIN! This guy is so bad. Mike Pereira adds something to the broadcasts probably because he is always loaded on Tito's Vodka. Carey is the absolute worst. It isn't even funny anymore that he is always wrong.
Peyton Manning - And then there was King Choke. Bros, it's over. His arm is shot. He can't throw at all. I would not be surprised if he retired. That was embarrassing. That Colts defense is BAD and they looked like the 2002 Ravens out there. And the Manning era ended like it should have...with another pathetic home loss to an inferior team. I look forward to everyone coming around and saying that I was right. Peyton is the most OVERRATED QB in NFL history. BOW DOWN.
SEA/GB and IND/NE...I find it hard to see an upset there. I think that both home teams win and the only thing that matters is the spread. Either way, DALLAS AND PEYTON ARE GONE!
We'll close with my prediction for tonight's title game. I think the fine line between winning and losing is quite simple: whoever runs the ball better, wins. I would say that the first team to 200 yards on the ground is going to be the champ. I've been pretty steadfast all along that Ohio Buckeyes are going to win. I mean, I could see this being a Coronation of a King sitch where Mariota ends his college years on top, but I just don't see Mark Helfrich out-maneuvering Meyer. Plus, I heard that Oregon's coaches don't yell at their players and believe in "horizontal leadership". In other words, pussies. Ohio Buckeyes 38 Oregon 32. And I will be a very sad panda tomorrow. Still though...QUACK QUACK NOGG!