I don't want to sound like Grampa Simpson here but I am currently experiencing lower back pain and it is the worst. I would rather live with Cakes forever than deal with this for another minute. I felt it tweak a little bit when I was twerking at the gym two weeks ago and, no matter what I do, the dull and awkward pain remains. Putting on socks is the goddamn Battle of the Bulge at this point. It is the hardest thing that I do right now. The only thing that gets me through the day is that stretch where you look like you're trying to blow yourself/shoving your head up your ass. I don't want to go to the chiropractor and hope it goes away eventually (LOL NO) but I know that it won't. Lower back pain is terrible (UPDATE: feeling significantly better! Complaining about it on the internet seems to be the best medicine). Don't get old. Let's talk about shitstack human beings and football.
409 - The NCAA gave Joe Paterno his wins back on Friday and it was obvz a terrible decision. I don't know why they took them away in the first place (fucking kids isn't really a performance enhancer...or at least I hope it isn't) but giving them back blows. The Penn State basketball and hockey teams both wore 409 patches this weekend. I hate Penn State alums more than anyone ever. They don't get it and they never will. It is OK to want them all to die horribly. They deserve worse.
Greg Anthony - Arrested in a prostitution ring! BOO YAH! I like Anthony so I hope that it doesn't kill his broadcasting career but you know that it will and we will be doomed with a lifetime of Doug Gottleib being a cocksucking thief on the mic forever.
Jim Tomsula - Watch his interview with CSN Bay Area or whatever. They basically replaced HarBRAH with PFTCommenter. This guy is the best and will produce LOLZ forever. Plus, he looks like Football Ron Jeremy and that is what the NFL needs right now.
Jim Tomsula Part Deux - The favorite to be the Niners OC is LANE KIFFIN!!! Jesus titty-fucking Christ. Does Prime know how lucky he is to live in that area and not be a fan just to listen to the constant bitching? He can probably drive with his erection while listening to KNBR.
The NFL - Of course they don't particularly give a shit about beating women and kids but if Beast Mode wants to wear solid gold cleats...HE MUST DIE (or be banned from playing)...because of cleat color. This is important now.
Mike McCarthy - When you're on the road and kick two field goals from inside the three then you are a gigantic slop box. This guy is such an average ass coach. That might be giving him too much credit because the way that his team folded yesterday was Hall Of Fame shittiness.
AJ Hawk - Did he get hurt? Because the Seahawks ran the ball 35 times and the starting MLB had one more tackle than Soda Popinski.
Pete Carroll - BRAH, your QB totes had a concussion from that savage Matthews hit and no one tested him at all...just put him back out there. NO MORE!
Brandon Bostick - The play was bad enough but don't tell the media that you are out there to block but thought that you could catch it so you decided to not do your job. Poor guy is going to take all the heat while his coaches deserve most of it if not all.
Russell Wilson - For 55 minutes, this guy was Joe Bauserman on whatever the complete opposite of steroids is. The punter was showing more ARM TALENT. And then, like all annoying goody-two-shoes, he came through when it mattered. Even the passes that he completed looked like they were all due to luck. What an unreal ending to a pig-poop game. That wasn't even football for the most part. I can't believe that the Seahawks won. They didn't deserve that and Sherman has one arm now. Oh well, that is why you earn home field in the regular season so that a ton of your fans can leave before the game is over. LOL! Go cry some more, Rusty, you dicknip.
Peyton Manning - I mean, I could laugh at him tucking his jersey into his dad jeans for Papa John's all day long, but I feel like his poop performance last week (calling bullshit on that torn quad FOREVER) ruined what could have been the worst QB game of all time last night. Pey Pey in the wind and rain might have had 10 picks. And I feel cheated.
Andrew Luck - Belichick just owns his ass. I mean, the Colts had zero chance unless Brady played like Rusty Dubs and he didn't. It was uglier than Luck's beard. I'm just glad that it's over.
Former Browns - Cribbs (or Chronic as someone called him last week) had a GIANT MUFF that effectively ended the game in the first quarter and Trent Richardson didn't even make the trip because he is going through some sort of massive family issue. I'd bet that whatever is going on in his life is hilarious.
Not Nate Solder - Typical fucking Patriots running OL pass plays but I will forever love 77s finding paydirt. It is a known FACT that #77 is the best number in football and seeing the hands and agility of big Solder was refreshing and exhilarating. Mark my words: the first team to get their 77 into the end zone in the Super Bowl will win the game.
LeGarrette Blount - Fuck this piece of shit. How is he only ever decent against Indy? I hate this guy. More carries to Pat Devlin or GTFO.
Jim and Feel and especially Mike fucking Carey - YES! We are officially the longest amount of time away from the next time that we have to hear these fucktards call another football game! If I was grading this announce team, I would give them a Y minus. Of course, Carey thought that that TERRIBLE roughing the passer on Brady call was correct because he is awful and that was absurd.
So here we go with Seattle and New England in the Super Bowl (with thankfully the NBC telecast) and Katy Perry's beefers. I can live with this. Actually, I'm all for this. I don't necessarily want either team to win but these are probably the two best franchises in the game and ELITE respects ELITE. And yes, both of these teams would kill Ohio Buckeyes, Drew!