Monday, January 19, 2015

The Worst of Conference Championship Weekend Vol.VIII

I don't want to sound like Grampa Simpson here but I am currently experiencing lower back pain and it is the worst.  I would rather live with Cakes forever than deal with this for another minute.  I felt it tweak a little bit when I was twerking at the gym two weeks ago and, no matter what I do, the dull and awkward pain remains.  Putting on socks is the goddamn Battle of the Bulge at this point.  It is the hardest thing that I do right now.  The only thing that gets me through the day is that stretch where you look like you're trying to blow yourself/shoving your head up your ass.  I don't want to go to the chiropractor and hope it goes away eventually (LOL NO) but I know that it won't.  Lower back pain is terrible (UPDATE: feeling significantly better!  Complaining about it on the internet seems to be the best medicine).  Don't get old.  Let's talk about shitstack human beings and football.

409 - The NCAA gave Joe Paterno his wins back on Friday and it was obvz a terrible decision.  I don't know why they took them away in the first place (fucking kids isn't really a performance enhancer...or at least I hope it isn't) but giving them back blows.  The Penn State basketball and hockey teams both wore 409 patches this weekend.  I hate Penn State alums more than anyone ever.  They don't get it and they never will.  It is OK to want them all to die horribly.  They deserve worse.

Greg Anthony - Arrested in a prostitution ring!  BOO YAH!  I like Anthony so I hope that it doesn't kill his broadcasting career but you know that it will and we will be doomed with a lifetime of Doug Gottleib being a cocksucking thief on the mic forever.

Jim Tomsula - Watch his interview with CSN Bay Area or whatever.  They basically replaced HarBRAH with PFTCommenter.  This guy is the best and will produce LOLZ forever.  Plus, he looks like Football Ron Jeremy and that is what the NFL needs right now.

Jim Tomsula Part Deux - The favorite to be the Niners OC is LANE KIFFIN!!!  Jesus titty-fucking Christ.  Does Prime know how lucky he is to live in that area and not be a fan just to listen to the constant bitching?  He can probably drive with his erection while listening to KNBR.

The NFL - Of course they don't particularly give a shit about beating women and kids but if Beast Mode wants to wear solid gold cleats...HE MUST DIE (or be banned from playing)...because of cleat color.  This is important now.

Mike McCarthy - When you're on the road and kick two field goals from inside the three then you are a gigantic slop box.  This guy is such an average ass coach.  That might be giving him too much credit because the way that his team folded yesterday was Hall Of Fame shittiness.

AJ Hawk - Did he get hurt?  Because the Seahawks ran the ball 35 times and the starting MLB had one more tackle than Soda Popinski.

Pete Carroll - BRAH, your QB totes had a concussion from that savage Matthews hit and no one tested him at all...just put him back out there.  NO MORE!

Brandon Bostick - The play was bad enough but don't tell the media that you are out there to block but thought that you could catch it so you decided to not do your job.  Poor guy is going to take all the heat while his coaches deserve most of it if not all.

Russell Wilson - For 55 minutes, this guy was Joe Bauserman on whatever the complete opposite of steroids is.  The punter was showing more ARM TALENT.  And then, like all annoying goody-two-shoes, he came through when it mattered.  Even the passes that he completed looked like they were all due to luck.  What an unreal ending to a pig-poop game.  That wasn't even football for the most part.  I can't believe that the Seahawks won.  They didn't deserve that and Sherman has one arm now.  Oh well, that is why you earn home field in the regular season so that a ton of your fans can leave before the game is over.  LOL!  Go cry some more, Rusty, you dicknip.

Peyton Manning - I mean, I could laugh at him tucking his jersey into his dad jeans for Papa John's all day long, but I feel like his poop performance last week (calling bullshit on that torn quad FOREVER) ruined what could have been the worst QB game of all time last night.  Pey Pey in the wind and rain might have had 10 picks.  And I feel cheated.

Andrew Luck - Belichick just owns his ass.  I mean, the Colts had zero chance unless Brady played like Rusty Dubs and he didn't.  It was uglier than Luck's beard.  I'm just glad that it's over.

Former Browns - Cribbs (or Chronic as someone called him last week) had a GIANT MUFF that effectively ended the game in the first quarter and Trent Richardson didn't even make the trip because he is going through some sort of massive family issue.  I'd bet that whatever is going on in his life is hilarious.

Not Nate Solder - Typical fucking Patriots running OL pass plays but I will forever love 77s finding paydirt.  It is a known FACT that #77 is the best number in football and seeing the hands and agility of big Solder was refreshing and exhilarating. Mark my words: the first team to get their 77 into the end zone in the Super Bowl will win the game.

LeGarrette Blount - Fuck this piece of shit.  How is he only ever decent against Indy?  I hate this guy.  More carries to Pat Devlin or GTFO.

Jim and Feel and especially Mike fucking Carey - YES!  We are officially the longest amount of time away from the next time that we have to hear these fucktards call another football game!  If I was grading this announce team, I would give them a Y minus.  Of course, Carey thought that that TERRIBLE roughing the passer on Brady call was correct because he is awful and that was absurd.

So here we go with Seattle and New England in the Super Bowl (with thankfully the NBC telecast) and Katy Perry's beefers.  I can live with this.  Actually, I'm all for this.  I don't necessarily want either team to win but these are probably the two best franchises in the game and ELITE respects ELITE.  And yes, both of these teams would kill Ohio Buckeyes, Drew!


Anonymous said...

Neither team would beat Ohio State, because we have Urban Meyer and they don't.

Your back pain is karma for making fun of Grumps. You're in your 30's....get your shit together.

Tim May was on Gottlieb's radio show this past week and Gottlieb started to make fun of Cardale's tweet from over two years ago. May said something like " should know as well as anyone that 18 and 19 yr old kids do dumb things". Gottlieb immediately ended the interview....Tim May is ELITE.

Ezekiel Elliott > Beast Mode


Anonymous said...

Oh and OSU fans are indeed the worst. There is a great YouTube out there of Olberman just shredding PSU and the NCAA after this. He makes some tremendous points.


Anonymous said...

Ha...meant PSU fans....I realize there are no takebacks like Lacey.


GMoney said...

I agree that Ohio fans are the worst. Thank you for confirming.

You know that you're a small time radio host when you call up Tim May's hick ass. He is not ELITE.

To Hell with MLK, I'm working today. Not hard but I'm here.

Mr. Ace said...

Apparently Greg Anthony was looking for a chick with a dick, too. It's his money, he can buy whatever he wants. But that adds a nice little wrinkle.

I don't even know who Tim May is but him PWNing Gottlieb is great. I hate that fucker.

That Paterno shit is awful. There's really nothing else to say.

Bostick BAD. Mrs. Ace was losing her fucking mind the last 4 minutes. Why the fuck did that DB for GB slide after he got that pick with about 5 minutes left? Was GB really in ice mode at that point? Apparently they were.

Who was it on here that went on some huge gashy rant about nice guys finishing last? RUSTY DUBS IS ABOUT TO BE A BACK TO BACK SUPER BOWL CHAMPION, BRUH!

Mr. Ace said...

I'm celebrating MLK by working for the white man. Black Power?

Grumpy said...

Blount forced the Steelers to cut him so he could go back to N.E. That behavior should not be rewarded.

Drew with the Freudian slip.

Prime99 said...

"Jim Tomsula Part Deux - The favorite to be the Niners OC is LANE KIFFIN!!! Jesus titty-fucking Christ. Does Prime know how lucky he is to live in that area and not be a fan just to listen to the constant bitching? He can probably drive with his erection while listening to KNBR."

This is the most localized NorCal take I've ever seen here. Great WERK, G$! To make it even better, who do Niners fans want to win the Super Bowl? Their mortal divisional rival that could go back to back or a guy that would tie Joe Montana in SB wins, then have more appearances, yards, and TDs? Either way, SF looks bad. Very hilarious!

I LOL'ed at Drooler's "OSU fans are indeed the worst." That's tombstone engraving material imo.

GMoney said...

I don't hate Burnett for sliding. Most of these dipshit DBs carry the ball like it's homework. He probably assumed correctly that his ELITE offense could salt away a few first downs just like they did the week before and it was over. But his head coach is a shitbrick (regrets nothing!) and they lost.

Seriously, when you kick 18 AND 19 yard field goals, you deserve to lose.

Thanks for the kind words, Prime. I am on top of things as usual.

The nice guy rant came from Mitt Romney's son.

Jeff said...

I thought the same thing, Ace. Da fuq did that guy slide down on the pick and not try to house it.

I love some me some linemen finding the end zone, but all that tackle eligible, formation changing, and different guys reporting eligible every play is bullshit, but typical belichick. You want to run unbalanced line? That's fine, but having different 70s report eligible every down GTFO.

GMoney said...

Off topic: Jesus Christ, Nationals. Keep that rotation and win the Series this year. Deal with Zimmermann next Winter.

Prime99 said...

After 3 years of not having it off, I got MLKJR day off again! I have a dream of three day weekends! And the Z-man's daycare is open for a double bonus day off!

GMoney said...

Might be time to work on a sequel to Running Zack IMO.

Prime99 said...

LOL- good call, G$!

For this whole deflated ball scandal, which nickname do you like best: Ballghazi or Ballocaust?

GMoney said...

I like Ballghazi because if you're making a big deal about it, then you're probably an asshole that no one likes.

Anonymous said...

Actually the biggest play of the game was Rusty's Hail Mary 2 yard pass..... how does that not get knocked down? The packers win if that happens.

I like Deflaters gon Deflate..... in honor of MLK Day.


T. Iceman said...

There's only one Z-Man, Prime. And he runs security at Club Rick's in Napoleon.

I've had my back go out before so you won't get any shit from me. When your back decides today is the day it's going to shut it down for awhile, it's no fuckin joke.

An ex-brown intercepted Tom Brady yesterday. So they weren't all bad.

If you're a Packer fan...I don't know how you got out of bed today. I've never seen a team dominate another team so much and still lose. I don't think I've hated a person more than I hate Pete Carroll. I think I would seriously have to restrain myself from assaulting him if I ever saw him on the street.

I can't stop LOL'ing at the Andrew Luck meme dressed as a civil war solider. Those should never stop.

Mr. Ace said...

Good point, Clubber. That 2 pt conversion fucked my UNDER right in the butt hole. That should have been easy money about 30 different ways. So it goes.

GMoney said...

I don't think I've hated a person more than I hate Pete Carroll.

I mean, I've seen you talk to Drew.

General Luck is very enjoyable.

Anonymous said...

iceman...why do you hate Petey so much? Only time I could think your paths have crossed is when USC stomped UM in the Rose Bowl....and that shouldn't warrant your level of hate for him.


T. Iceman said... could anyone forget the Hail Mary 2 point conversion?? That thing was fucking hideous. For how great of a game Clinton-(Pat)Dix had, he really fucked the Packers on that one.

Anonymous said...

Backs are no joke. I might catch shit for this, but get nassages/spa day. You have no idea how much this helps out. Some insurances cover chiropractors, so that's an option. If your gym doesn't have ine, invest in a foam roller. Your baby will likely love it too. Finally, go for walks everyday DURING work. Pop the upon on and go for about 20-30 minutes around 2ish. Walk around for lunch as much as possible. Sitting in a cubicle is murder for your back.


GMoney said...

I also don't understand the "no one believes in us" bullshit that Baldwin and Kearse were screaming about after the game. Bros, you are the defending champs, the one seed, and have won like 10 games in a row. Who does not believe in the Seahawks?

Anonymous said...

Massages/one/ autocorrect is selective today

T. Iceman said...

I won't give you shit for that ELITE advice, Ide. Wheelz gets home weekly massages that her insurance covers and I'll force myself in there if her massage therapist comes late enough. No feel like a different fucking person afterwards. Massage therapists are doing the Lord's work. And this chick charges a dollar a minute which is dirt cheap.

GMoney said...

-Rex used to get massages from Snoad's old lady. No guff.

Prime99 said...

Ide, I agree with everything you said. One of the highlights of going to the Peppermill in Reno is drinking yourself silly, then completely rejuvenating yourself the following day in the spa. Then you get ready for a whole new round of drinking.

I'm way onboard with team spa day.