Wednesday, January 07, 2015

So Close To No More Larry Culpepper

As the title suggests, we are less than one week until those goddamn annoying Dr. Pepper ads go away forever.  So when the inevitable happens and Ohio Buckeyes are sharing their national championship with Frank Beamer's bottle of Wild Turkey Neck, take some solace in knowing that Larry The Fudgepacker just died and went to Hell.  That will soothe my soul.  But there are some interesting tidbits leading up to college football's championship game that we should probably address and--surprise, surprise--many of them spell out in great detail why Ohio Buckeyes are the worst.  Let's bullet-point this sumbitch!

Urban Meyer is a family man - I'm not one to support Captain Dildo and his pathetic bald spot much, but he makes a pretty decent point here.  Ohio is leading the charge to help the families of players attend these big bowl games.  And that makes sense and IS an issue.  A lot of these moms and dads (LOL!) don't have the funds to make two gigantic trips within two weeks.  These schools SHOULD be helping with that.  They make millions of dollars off the blood and sweat of their sons, there should be some sort of obligation that the parents and siblings are taken care of.  Let's be real here, Mama Pryor, after the Sugar Bowl game, would have had to hurry and plunk down thousands of dollars that could be used on heat to go see her thug play for a title.  Some system should be in play.  I'm not sure what it is (maybe just parents and siblings and NO ONE ELSE) but Urb is actually in the right here.  UPDATE - there is some sort of waiver for parents.  Go figure that the asshole NCAA works fast the one time that I don't want them to.

Urban Meyer is a moron - Saturday afternoon, Urb showed up at Ohio/Illiniwek basketball game to spout some nonsense and take the entire spotlight or whatever.  ESPN brought him on the air for an entire segment in which he and Dan Dick Itch talked about their time together at Bowling Green and literally ignored everything on the court in front of them.  It was hilarious.  But Urb said that scholarships only cover 12 games and they need to reform them so that they cover 15.  Basically, he wants more than 85.  Sorry, bitch, but if you can't win football games with a 3+ deep of insane talent then you can get fucked hard.  Stick with your family, fella.

No one knows who this guy is - Even after two high profile, spotlight games, only a handful of people know that his name is Cardale.  I've heard Cordale more often which I find hilarious in the same manner that Ohio is hilarious forever.  Should call him Kordell after his idol.

Clay HS must be so embarrassed - Here we go again with Ohio fever making things as corny as possible.  Oregon, the east side of Toledo suburb, is going all in on the fucktardery by temporarily changing the city's name to "Oregon, Ohio: Buckeyes on the Bay, City of Duck Hunters".  JUST ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE!  Grow up.  This isn't cute or funny.  It is a slap in the face to proud Oregonians like Mike Pirrwitz who threw in the vicinity of 200 mph as a pitcher in high school.  Man, that guy threw fucking hard.  Maybe when this is all over, Oregon can permanently change it's name to FUCKFACE CITY, USA: DICK HUNTERS.  There is no doubt in my mind that Cakes (or Duck Hunt apparently) loves this.

Fuck that stupid Upper Arlington shit weasel - Some dipshit 15 year old started an online petition (LOLZ) to get school canceled on Tuesday due to Ohio Buckeyes.  The governor told him to fuck off.  That's how life is supposed to work, asshole.  You have to make sacrifices for a run at glory.  Yes, you are going to lose some sleep.  DEAL WITH IT.  God, I hate Fuckeye fans...always wanting hand outs and freebies IMO.

DJ Durkin - Thoughts?  If he sucks, at least his last name rhymes with a pubic wig.  That could be huge.

Do I have anything on Oregon?  Not at the moment.  Their fans seem to be acting normally...or at least less mentally challenged.  I kind of just wanted to talk about Urban's family plan today and possible ways to make it work and then my burning hatred just sort of snowballed (no offense Lacey) from there.  And I'm still sticking with my pick that Merkin Mariota and Company get destroyed on Monday night.

34 comments:

Grumpy said...

That's what happens when you try to get cute with the spelling of your kid's name. Should have just named him Greg, like white people would.

Anonymous said...

Urban Meyer makes things happen. That was a sign of power the way he made the NCAA move....and move fast. What a great man.

LOLZ @ getting your panties in a bunch due to Urban sitting down for 5 minutes during a basketball game and not giving commentary on the game.

Durkin is obviously a good hire because Urban once hired him.

Suck on that Pistons diiiiiiiick Ape!

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Durkin is also a great hire because he turned Urbz down a few years back.

GMoney said...

I just found it amusing that the basketball broadcast was five minutes of three guys talking about football and nothing else. I mean seriously LOLZ! Why would I be upset with people ignoring Potato Nose?

I want to live in the city of MILF Hunters.

MUDawgfan said...

"But Urb said that scholarships only cover 12 games and they need to reform them so that they cover 15. Basically, he wants more than 85."


I didn't see the interview so I can't challenge Urban's point. But I don't understand the logic, more games = A demand for more players?

Or is he arguing for increased revenue share? "We're playing more games so we should make more money"


What is it?

GMoney said...

I'm not really sure where he was going with that that either. He definitely whined about having to play 15 games but then seemed to want more schollies as a resolution. Maybe someone can shed some light on this.

The NFL has figured out how to play 16+ games with 53 players. He can do the same with 85.

Either way, he is coaching for a national championship all while bitching about every little thing along the way. INGRATE!

Anonymous said...

When you write these articles ripping on Urban and OSU, I can't tell whether you are sincere and really mean it, or just want to sound like Skip Bayless.

Ace - sorry I didn't get back to you about last night... forgot we had the realtor coming over to put our house on the market last night. Giant pain in the ass.

Seal

Prime99 said...

That town should've changed their name to Oregon, Ohio: we literally predicted this game when we named the town- we tell the future. That would be much cooler.

I know a number of Oregon fans and no one has lost their mind yet. I'm hoping someone does soon, though! A drunken rant about Urban or even Chip on social media would be great.

GMoney said...

Seal, I keep it real. That's all you need to know. Where you guys looking to move? Is it Hell?

Anonymous said...

Prime....are you volunteering to be the Oregon beat reporter for the next week? I heard you get free Nike socks....which is way > than $70 socks.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

We bought a house in Hudson... like 15 minutes from where we currently live.

Seal

GMoney said...

I always hated Orlando Hudson. I mean, seriously, a black second baseman? Get out of here!

CTF OBVZ...over .500!

Anonymous said...

How about Ole Miss shitting down their legs and blowing that game at Kentucky last night? One of the only close games they will play in the SEC.

D'Angelo's first half was sick for OSU last night....25 pts on 12 shots. Amir can die in a fire. At least they won.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Kentucky had no business winning that game either Drew. They were out rebounded in regulation, shot the ball terrible, and Ole Miss couldn't miss. They got very lucky. Cal has a huge problem with his backup, Freshman PG being way better than the starter, Andrew Harrison. He still splits time between them, but Harrison is not good (Aaron is the good one of the two - the one who shit all over Michigan in the tourny last year). He is going to cost UK a loss at some point this year, it just better not be in the tourny. Better young talent on the bench is a good problem to have though I guess.

Seal

Prime99 said...

I can TOTES be the Oregon beat reporter. Free socks is cool. Does the Ohio beat reporter get free tattoos?

GMoney said...

An oldie but a goodie!

We seem to be lacking Cakes, Ide, and Ape/Prime takes this week. The latter two I understand due to new job training (the handjob is an art form). The other two...probably fucking IMO.

Anonymous said...

Lesbianest here....Cakes has sucked for like the last four months here. He's trending toward being forgotten/left behind.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I'll try and chime in for the absence of nonsense (since I am working from home this week).

I think Ohio Buckeyes take it to Oregon. They watch Rich Rod film over and over this week and realize this team hasn't played anyone other than a team OSU also destroyed on their home turf (before their best QB Kordel even took over).

Looking at the year in review, who the fug has Oregon even beaten? UCLA, MSU, and Arizona (the second time). They got matched up with the most overrated undefeated team in this history since the 2002 buckeyes won a national title on a fake PI call that the lions would never have gotten. I think the Ducks get John Snoad "Punch em in the mouth!!!!" early and forgot how to play football without a 30pt lead.

Also - some are saying with a win here, URBS will be deemed the best coach in college football....given his success EVERYWHERE he has gone. Because the saying goes, ANYONE can win in Alabama....I sort have (hate to admit) have to agree - the man wins everywhere.

- J Saul


GMoney said...

Mike Shula could not win at Alabama. That is stupid.

Oregon beat STANFORD FOOTBALL. Fuck that nonsense.

GMoney said...

One day after Drool reports that Jameis is going back, he is now going pro. Looks like someone is picking up the slack for our slacking #IdeLies this week. What else are you lying about?

T. Iceman said...

Durkin will be great because Jim Harbaugh went after him. He only gets winners.

In case you needed a weekly reminder of how ass Josh Smith is...streak is now 6.

That Oregon Ohio story has to be the lamest, most cheese dick story to ever come out. I'm glad one of the trashiest parts of Toledo decided to do such a trailer park thing. Good for them for reinforcing all of the stereotypes. The guy that started the whole idea is/was a teacher at Wheelz high school. Or something. I don't know...I wasn't really listening when she told me.

Oregon is getting beat because apparently God hates non Ohio fans. I don't know much about Oregon's defense but if Alabama can't stop the Buckeyes than neither can Oregon. That's pretty much all you need to know when picking the winner here.

Prime99 said...

It's true. I'm suit and tied up at my new job and been in meetings every day.

Anonymous said...

Christ, hop off of the cross, Iceman. God hates non Ohio fans? He seemed to have gifted you two whole fucking years of three championship losses (basketball for good measure). Sorry that he couldn't grace you with a decade plus of underachieving and shitting the bed at every conceivable position on the field and in the administration. I guess thems the breaks when you cheer for Michigan, though. Tradition, indeed.

I was certain that Oregon was going to win the championship, but I never imagined OSU playing like they are. I am not hopeful, but very slightly cautiously optimistic.

Ide

T. Iceman said...

Everyone knows Ohio Buckeye fans don't deserve to be happy, Ide. Why should this year be any different?

Anonymous said...

I gotta say....I'm real fucking happy. That Bama win was a top 3 OSU win of my life. I'm super duper happy.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I am a black woman so calling me He is blashpemous.

Drew's life sucks.

-God

T. Iceman said...

There you go, Ace and Cakes. Proof God does exist.

GMoney said...

Big fan of Matt Stafford congratulating the refs for being terrible on Sunday. Major LULZ!

GMoney said...

Cavs trade for Mozgov apparently.

Anonymous said...

Hopefully he blocks more shots than that guy at the Columbus airport just now.

Boom.

Tasteful humor.

Ide

T. Iceman said...

You gotta like your chances with a center who spells Timothy with an F. A real Moneyshot type guy.

T. Iceman said...

Two future first round picks for Mozgov? Am I missing something about Mozgov here? Seems like a ton to give up for a pretty average center.

GMoney said...

Excellent current events reference, Ide. We all hate tow truck drivers but not enough to die over it IMO.

Timothy does not want to be known as Uncle T.

Turning Waiters into a decent big man, a solid perimeter defender, and a basket case of equal value to Dion isn't a bad week's work.

GMoney said...

The team is DESPERATE for a big OBVZ and those picks aren't going to be all that great anyway. Plus, teams constructed like this don't have the luxury of paying first round picks guaranteed money. I'm OK with it. Hell, they still have their own next year.

Mozgov is under contract through next year, too, and has played under Blatt before. I'm cool with this although I would have preferred MAH BOY KOKO.