Thursday, January 08, 2015

Open Forum: Close Calls

Yes officer. Yes to everything.
I'm training for the new gig in Cleveland Monday through Thursday so I haven't been very plugged in to the happenings in the sports world or the interwebz the last few days. So today I want to open it up and talk about some close calls we have all experienced. These can be life or death, legal, or whatever you can think of. I had one of those experiences Tuesday night.

So it's Tuesday, Seal hasn't taken me up on my offer to get a beer or go to the casino, and I'm about to get off work. So I look up a place relatively close to my hotel with a solid happy hour. I decide on this place called The Pub. Great choice. Half priced Guinness and cocktails, cheap apps, and young ladies running around in short skirts with their boobs out. Good times. So I have myself an old fashioned, 2 Guinness' and a burger and fries. I'm there for a little over an hour and a half. Nothing crazy, just something right below $25 so my new employer will cover it without an itemized receipt.

So I'm on my way back, just about 2 miles to my hotel. Half way there and I encounter one of those either/or long yellow lights. I could stop, but I'm going 40, the roads are still slick, and I think the safest thing for me to do is just roll on through. Again, when I entered the intersection the light was yellow. Wrong. It just so happens that sitting right on the corner is a municipal headquarters...which also happens to host a police department. I get through the light and a cop immediately pulls out behind me. I pull onto some side street. The lights start flashing. Here we fucking go.
THE WORST
I got a DUI when I was in college. I was 22. I was driving back to Toledo from BG at 4am because I was making a bad decision, leaving REDACTED WEASEL apartment (ed.-you can figure it out from there) because I'm pretty sure they were about to smoke some weed and I just wanted to pass out. Compounding that bad decision was the fact that I was driving my friends shitbox Ford Taurus, which had this neat electrical malfunction where once you turned the wipers on you had to turn the car off in order to get them to stop. So driving up 75 on a completely dry night with the windshield wipers flapping like Hope Solo's beef curtains probably wasn't the best way to avoid police attention. Oops. But I learned something that night, or at least I think I learned something. During the field sobriety testing, after I embarrassed myself trying to walk a straight line, I blew a .18. Stone cold sober obvs. But when I actually got taken back to the station for the breathalyzer, I placed my tongue as close as I could to the end while still being able to blow into the machine(I don't know how to make that sound any less gay). I blew a .13. Did that technique make a difference? No idea, but it wasn't something I was going to forget.

So here I sit. Waiting for some cop from the burbs with nothing better to do to come grill me and tell me I smell like booze, because of course. Sure enough, the second question, "How much have you had to drink tonight, sir?" Now I took a calculated risk in saying that I had a Guinness with dinner. He already had probable cause with me running the light, and then saying he smelled alcohol, so whether or not I said I had a drink wasn't going to make him change his mind. If he had just pulled me over for no reason, then I wouldn't admit a thing. I told him I'm only up here for work and don't know the area, told him I was caught between on the light and felt it was safer to proceed through it, and told him exactly where my hotel was and how close I was to it. And I'm fucking white which means I get a free pass, right? Hopefully me just being honest and white will get me on my way.

Wrong. After he runs my license and insurance he comes back and asks me to run through some sobriety tests. Say the alphabet starting at C and stopping at N. Okay. Touch my thumb to each finger, in order of pointer, middle, ring, pinky, while counting 1-2-3-4 and then do it backwards. Okay. He goes back to his car for a bit. I'm freaking the fuck out. I'm pretty sure I know what's coming next. I'm looking up everything I can on my phone to figure out what I should do next. Do I take the breathalyzer? Do I flat out deny everything? Do I do everything but the breathalyzer? So the cop comes back and tells me another unit is coming with a portable breathalyzer. I can take it, or if I refuse then I will have to get out of the car and do a full field sobriety test. He also tells me if I pass the breathalyzer then I don't get any ticket for the red light. So now I wait again.

While waiting this time I call a DUI lawyer hotline hoping that I can get somebody, anybody on the line that can tell me what to do. I get nobody, not even able to leave a message, just get hung up on. Looks like I'm on my own. So I start to look around my car. Anything to drink? Anything to eat? Anything at all that could possibly push the odds in my favor. I have half a coffee from that morning, that's actually turned into half slush. Well there it is. My plan is to chug this coffee the moment that other cop starts to walk towards me. I'm going to take the breathalyzer, at least the portable one because I'm pretty sure it's not admissible in court, and then if I don't pass then I will refuse it at the station. I have zero confidence this plan will work out. But it's all I've got. I'm also banking the general internet knowledge that, in my mind, is something like each 12 oz beer or single mixed drink will bump up your BAC by approximately .03. And your body should be able to metabolize at least one of those over the course of an hour. So I know that I'm close...or at least I think I do. But this cop and my guilty conscience have totally mindfucked me into believing that I'm gonna blow a .15 and end up in the slammer with my mugshot on the news.

So cop rolls up. I chug the coffee and put it down right before he gets to my window. I blow into the breathalyzer, using my same patented tongue strategy from before, and he bitches at me for not blowing hard enough(GAY). So I blow harder(and GAYer) and it clicks. I'm done. I sit there for a solid 2 minutes waiting for the results. Finally. The cop leans in, "Alright buddy, I'm gonna let you get on your way. You blew a .03. Next time don't run a red light in front of a police station after having a beer."
The disappointment in his voice gave me an instant boner. Fuck yes, motherfucker. I beat that shit. No idea how. I wasn't drunk by any means, but really thought 2 pints and the drink would put me above the limit. I don't think I've ever felt relief like that, in one single moment, ever in my life. The amount of dread that was running through my head while waiting in my car was mortifying; Mrs. Ace is going to kill me, I might have my license back by the time the baby is born, I'm going to lose my fucking job after two days, I don't really have anybody to help me out in Cleveland, and this fucking DUI is about to run me 2k when it's all said and done. Fuck all that.

I get back to the hotel and I don't know whether to go get blacked the fuck out at the bar or go back to my room and swear off drinking because that fucking feeling just isn't worth it. I went back to the room. Had some coffee(THE BEST FUCKING DRINK IN THE WORLD NOW FOREVER AND EVER) and called Mrs. Ace. She confirmed that she absolutely would have killed me.

I still don't know how I feel about all this. Did I do something wrong? Because I still feel really guilty and I'm not sure I have any reason to be. Obvs I ran the light, but did I get away with drunk driving? Am I a giant fucking ass hole for potentially putting Mrs. Ace through the hell that would have came with that DUI, including more than likely losing my job? Or am I just a victim of the demonization of drunk driving and being warped by all the bullshit adds with invisible cops? Don't get me wrong, drunk driving is bad, but the amount of airtime it receives is mindblowing and the inflation of the numbers done by the National Highway Traffic Safety Admin is bogus. I still feel like I could drink a six pack and drive safer than most folks in Grump's age group.

So there it is. My extremely close call to Mrs. Ace removing my balls and me being incredibly fucked with my job, and potentially finding another job because DUI's get you an almost immediate boot in the mental health and education world. Oh, and do you have any tips for making sure you don't get a DUI if you happen to get pulled over? I know with this group we have obvs had some experience. I am totes going to buy a portable breathalyzer and test my theory.

Leave your close calls in the comments

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good topic is good.

First of all, stop being an EMO faggot. You did nothing wrong.

In high school...two buddies and myself were smoking weed in a parked car in a neighborhood (retards). Of course a cop comes up and parks right behind us. He gets out and comes to window...we tell him we got lost which was an absurd lie. Then a second cop pulls up. We end up getting out of the car...they find small bags of weed on each of us. Waiting to get cuffed....they tell us we can go. I remember being stunned and trying to shake the one cop's hand....which he refused. Never understood why they let us go...but, I'll take it.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Listen, all of you. It's a misconception that you have to blow a .08 or higher to get arrested; it's at the cop's discretion. I no longer have a single drink if I'm driving.

Ace, you got very lucky; he could have taken you in if he wanted. Being polite, professional and white likely saved your ass.

Mr. Ace said...

Drew, I can be EMO if I want to be!!!!! Poser. But for reals, I don't know what it is, but there is this stigma attached to being labeled as a drunk driver that makes you feel like shit. I felt it in college when I had almost no responsibilities. Having that feeling slam back into your psyche at this point is jolting. The more I think about it the more I feel like everything just played out as it should have.

Grump, I am aware of this. But there has to be other presenting symptoms for that to happen. I passed the sobriety assesments. If after blowing a .03 he would have asked me to step out of the car and do anything else I probably would have refused. He had me for running a red light, nothing more. But that is a very true point. The subjectivity of that whole process is not comforting.

My best man, black guy, who I called immediately after I got let go, has been let off with a warning by the cops while driving impaired at least 8 times....we counted. Now these were all when we were under 23, but I have no idea how he does it. I have been pulled over 5 times in my life and only been let go free twice. Maybe I should stop blasting NWA during traffic stops.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I don't think Ape got "lucky"...I think the process played through just like it should.

I can't wait for the day Iceman gets a DUI for taking Wheelz chair out for a joyride after too many Skinnygirls one night. That will make for a great "Florida Man" story.

Should get a great #IdeLie today.

I was out with a couple a few weeks ago where the girl's boyfriend is a cop in some local township. He said when he pulls over drunk drivers he rarely arrests them....said there are just way too many procedures that have to be done the exact way for it to even go through.

--Drew

MUDawgfan said...

I just wanted to post this questions and ask:

"who is the chick with the monstrous rack in the top picture??"

GMoney said...

Fun topic! You would have made a pretty Mrs. Ace in lock-up.

I was being stupid in college and pounding road pops on the 45 minute drive from Ox to Dayton one night my Senior year. Probably 3 down, I think. Not being familiar with The Ghetto, I end up driving the wrong way down a one way street. Get nailed immediately. I have three empties sitting right next to me which I took my shirt off and threw over top. Cop asked me what the hell I was doing. My reply was a pathetic "I have no idea what's going on". He told me not to drive down one way streets the wrong way anymore and did not smell anything or see my blatant open container. Five minutes later I was chugging cups of Beast probably. Good times.

I will have more of these later today no guff.

GMoney said...

Dawg, Apes stash of BBW pics is amazing.

Anonymous said...

This is Burke's day to shine.

Never blow though. Yeah, you did get lucky, but given the weather and reasoning, you could/would have gotten off easy. Btw, in that situation, you NEVER stop, so you did the right thing (when the roads are slick).

I got pulled probaby a week or so before I moved. I had one or two Arrogant Bastards (ha!), and made this illegal u turn that EVERYONE makes (I lived at Watermark, Damman can attest). I get pulled at my doorstep, and outwardly refused everything. The cop actually pleaded with me to be truthful, so I admitted to the 10% (ish) beer and put him through as much grief as I could on the sobriety test that he let me go. Telling the officers to turn the flashing lights off on the pen test, let's them know you're not fucking around.

Ide

Anonymous said...

No close calls for me. When I get pulled over, you can book a DUI.

Although, I did manage to flee the police without them knowing that I was fleeing them for DUI #2 (of 2...I've been on the straight and narrow since then).

I was in Naptown on Woodlawn heading out of town when I passed a cop. He immediately did a u-turn so I knew I was in trouble (it was 2 am) so I turned immediately at the 4 way stop and then turned right immediately again into a neighborhood and parked my car. I ran in between some houses and was going to wait the cop out. After about 20 mins, it started to pour down rain. I hadn't seen the cop drive by once so I thought I was in the clear. Wrong. As soon as a I pull back onto the main road he is right behind me like a fucking ninja.

So the first thing he asks me is, "Where did you go the first time I passed you?" Of course I said I didn't know what he was talking about. He bought it and went about giving me a DUI, but adding a fleeing charge to that mess wouldn't have been ideal.

I was pulled over for a licence plate light being out. Total BS.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

Damn, bro- close one! You get travel reimbursements and lose your mind! I actually think that if you had only had the Guinesses and not the old fashioned you would've been less stressed about the whole thing.

In my younger are far stupider days I drove drunk occasionally around town but was never pulled over. I rarely even have a drink at all if I'm driving these days.

Grumpy said...

It's 1980, I'm 33 yrs. old and 3 months into the job that would turn into a 28 yr. career. I was in St. Clairsville,OH, driving a company car and had been out drinking with a customer since 2:00 p.m. I had a headlight burnt out and knew it, but didn't expect to be driving at night so I was going to wait until I got home to replace it.

About 7:00 I left the last bar to head to my hotel. I had an open bottle of beer between my legs and as I'm turning onto I-70 I see a State Trooper sitting in a lot next to the interstate ramp. I knew he saw my one headlight and was going to get me.

I wasn't halfway down the ramp when he lit me up. I immediately rolled all the windows down and slowly moved the open bottle to the floor in back. Maybe rolling the windows down cleared the smell because he only asked if I knew I had a light out. I said no and he told me to have it fixed in the morning.

I had all the same fears Ace had, DUI, losing my new job, losing my license etc. I was clearly drunk and I don't know how he couldn't tell.

GMoney said...

I will citizen's arrest Grumpy right now and solve this cold case for the St. Clairsville PD.

Ide bullying a cop...WELCOME BACK #IDELIES!!!

Anonymous said...

Good stories.

Just thought of another one. I think this was my Senior year of high school.....my old elementary school is real close to the house...and my buddy and I decided to go smoke some weed on the playground behind the school one night at like 1am. We parked in the parking lot and went to the back...and the playground is up on this huge hill in the back. So we smoke and then are walking down the hill....almost to the parking lot when we see a set of high beams hit the driveway from the parking lot to the back. We immediately throw our backs against the school wall as a cop car blasts up that driveway to the top if the hill. He never saw us...when he drove up there we booked it to the car and sped off. I wonder what he thought when he drove back down and the car was gone. That probably could have been real bad since it was school grounds in the district.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

Here's a tip for not getting a DUI when getting pulled over. Don't drink any alcohol. You're welcome.

While I don't think you did anything wrong, I have no idea why you even choose to chance it after already having one DUI. And like you mentioned already...drinking and driving is getting cracked down on harder than ever. So we can debate right/wrong with the law all we want but that doesn't change the fact you're being an idiot by risking driving after having a drink or two. Not because you're "drunk" but because cops are just waiting for you to fuck up. Drink a coke at dinner then drink as many beers you want when you get home/back to the hotel room. Anything else and you're asking for it, IMO.

Anonymous said...

Now that Iceman has gotten done with his lecture from atop his morality soapbox....any other fun stories?

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

I don't think I have any close DUI stories from my college days. I'm sure there were a few I don't remember since I was an idiot like Prime and drove shit faced regularly. I did have the reverse DUI happen to me though. I was coming back from a bar at 2:30 and hadn't had a single drink. THe cop saw me pull out of the bar parking lot, followed me and pulled me over. He probably thought he had a grand slam DUI. It felt pretty great disappointing the shit out of him.

There was a time when my older brother probably should have been pulled over but wasn't.

We were just finishing up at the bar and he was going to drive people back to our place for after hours. We were all destroyed. He started taking all of his clothes off in the bar parking lot and screamed, "Naked bus! If you wanna ride this bus you gotta be naked!" We all passed on the offer except for one guy. The rest of us walked. Twenty minutes later we walked into 2 naked guys sitting at the kitchen table drinking beer. Explain that one to the cop if you get pulled over while driving the Naked Bus.

GMoney said...

Uh, if the company is paying his tab then why would he not order drinks, dummy?

Summer after Senior year, we stuff five people into Juan Negro's Grand Am and are just cruising around Nap looking for anything to do. Of course, we decide to start following a cop car. You know, show him how it feels. This lasts for a LONG time where each car pulls in somewhere to immediately follow the other a few times. It is HILARIOUS. After one lap around Nap, he finally pulls us over. His reasoning? He says that he saw Juan reach under his seat and assumed it was a gun. He saw this by following us in the dark by the way. Everyone has to get out of the car while they searched and no one had a drop of booze that night. They had nothing. Until they found an empty Natty Light can under his seat. They overreact even though the can is clearly 140 degrees due to it being June and under a car seat. That was pounded bruh a long time ago. Eventually they let us go as they should have since they had no reason not to and warned us not to follow police.

Bros...totes serial...tailing police officers is an AMAZING time. I can't stress this enough.

Anonymous said...

Did you have to do any sobriety tests when you were sober?

We should all do a naked bus after a Rib Fest....Grumps driving OBVZ.

--Drew

GMoney said...

The Browns just "fired" Shanahan and that WRECK THIS LEAGUE recipient idiot. Solid franchise there. Best way to get stability is to change things every year.

Also: Terrelle Pryor is a Chief.

Big day!

Anonymous said...

Sobriety tests are just as hard when you're sober. Shifting weight/leaning when you're on one leg is a failure. For 30 seconds. Unless you do ballet or gymnastics, you fucked. It's illegal to do the ABCs in reverse, which is horseshit, because I totally learned how to do that. And the pen test is built to fail, because they are looking for your eyes to stutter when they move it to your far side. Only problem is, that flashing cop light makes a strobe light, and nothing moves fluidly in a strobe light.

That is why I was a little whiny bitch to the cop. It worked, though.

My favorite story comes from a good friend from Newark. I don't care if this is a lie, it's still amazing. So this kid had 4 duis (spanning underage) at this point and gets pulled over based off the cops knowing him by sight. Well he was drunk per usual, and knew number 5 was around the corner followed by serious jail time and likely a massive license suspension. BUT WAIT! He has a plan. The cop comes up and knocks on his window. He reaches in the glove box and snas a pint of Jack and slams it down while the cop is watching. His thought was he was home free since the cop saw him drink, but couldn't prove that he was drunk driving. Sound logic on paper. He got a dui.

Ide

T. Iceman said...

So the Browns fire the guy you constantly shit talk and claim is not the offensive genius everyone says he is. And then you shit talk that move. Classic G$.

Anonymous said...

That was on an episode of "The Practice"

T. Iceman said...

I have a buddy who started day drinking in a BG bar around noon. Around 3, he caught wind that a girl he liked was about to start her bar tending shift at another bar. In Dayton. So he hops in his car, drives to Dayton, gets to the bar and starts drinking Jameson on the rocks. Around 7 my brother gets a phone call from the bar tender in Dayton. Our buddy just puked on the bar floor and got kicked out. While we're trying to figure out how to play this, she says "Nevermind. He just drove off." Three hours later he was back in the same bar he started at in BG. He has 2 DUIs and will probably have a 3rd in the near future.

Jeff said...

I have a couple good ones. One involves a cop letting me off because I claimed I couldn't balance on my leg due to knee surgerys, partial true, I was drunk though. Only got off since I was already in an apt complex parking lot. Cop made me have the chick who I was going over to hookup with come out and say I was staying with her for the night. she was rewarded with sexual favors.

The far better story involves me putting my car in a ditch on some backwoods country road in SC. Ended up in the hospital because I busted my forehead open. There were no field sobriety test done at the scene since I was bleeding and they wanted to take me the hospital. Apparently I asked a nurse at the hospital to turn a game on the tv. Problem being I was referring the heart monitor as a TV. When I was stitched up. The trooper from the scene arrested me for suspicion of DUI. I asked to ride shotgun in his cruiser on the way to the county pen for the night and he obliged. Thank god I had my own cell for the night. I end up getting out of it because I claimed a friend was driving when we crashed and got scared and ran away before anyone was at the scene. There was no way to prove or disprove this since I was out of the car when anyone arrived. pretty much all cops, judges and lawyers down there are boys so if you get hooked up with the right one you're good. Still expensive.

Anonymous said...

Jeff...good story....didn't they ask who the driver was then? Just curious how you handled that.

Just remembered another. Probably a decade ago I was drinking somewhere around campus...went into complete black out mode. Snapped out of black out while talking to a cop downtown. Don't know how I got there or what started the convo. My guess....hopped in a cab and passed out...cabbie got cop. Anyways...he checked my license....asked me where I lived and then drove me home. Nice guy.

--Drew

Jeff said...

They did, but after going home the next day and then seeing a lawyer he took care of the rest. Not sure how those convos between the lawyer and cop went, but I'm assuming it went something like we can't prove he wasn't driving at the time and we could do some more investigating but don't really care to so tell him well lower the charge the wreck less op.

Anonymous said...

Well done Jeff. What was the tab on that?

Harbaugh is a gentleman....

Eisen asks Harbaugh if he should root for B1G/Ohio State on Monday: "I'm going to be rooting for Ohio State," Harbaugh says

--Drew

MUfan said...

Not real proud of my close calls, but fortunately they've all gone in my favor.

Was involved in an accident with another vehicle (not my fault - other driver's) but had been drinking. Cops never asked me or my passenger if we had been drinking (we had been).

Another time while living in NC, I was driving home from bar and fell asleep. Was on a country road and went off and sideswiped a tree. I very well could have hit it head-on and died (or another driver and killed them). Was able to drive home with both door windows broke and air-bag deployed. Just called the insurance company the next day and since it happened in the woods and no "property" was damaged, no police report had to be filed. That pretty much ended my driving after being at a bar.

Not going to lie, I often will crack open a roadie when driving home. Usually I'm taking back roads and going 20-30 miles/hour. But this is when I haven't been drinking and 1 or 2 beers won't put me over. Still have to deal with a Open Container issue, but not DUI.

Mr. Ace said...

Lolz Iceman. My previous DUI was expunged so the cop didn't know my history. It was 6:45. I wasn't out raging until 2 am.

Drew, that's true regarding how the court handles DUI'S. If you have a good lawyer they will usually be able to destroy the case against you, especially if you don't submit to the test. But it will cost you a fortune.

But I will likely place myself on a strict 2 drink limit if driving from now on. Not worth itm

GMoney said...

They should have never hired Kyle in the first place, correct, but the point is that these are the same old Browns who fire/get rid of people every year. Stop hiring terrible coaches and you won't feel the need to can them after every season.

I was riding shotgun rip-roaring drunk while someone very Ned Flanders-like got a DUI. It was the best thing ever. OH Nate and Mrs. OH Nate were in the backseat. He got pulled over by the Town Tap and we all said, whatever you do, don't tell them that you had anything to drink.

(taps window)
Cop: Have you had anything to drink tonight.
C-Dubs: YES I HAVE.
Cop: Please step out of the car, sir.

So he gets cuffed and stuffed and we're standing on the sidewalk. The cops come over and ask if we can drive his car home.

G$: No-ho-ho-hooooooooooooo (while drunk cackling like a bastard)

We walked back to FagNasty's instead. Great night.

T. Iceman said...

You were the one that just got done doing a blog post about how much you were shitting your pants during this whole getting DUI checked on 2 beers, Ace. But by all means...keep doing what you're doing.

Jeff said...

2 beers AND an old fashioned. There's that reading thing again.

Anonymous said...

LOLZd at that cop convo.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

Old Fashioned = Rumplemintz.

GMoney said...

The Browns are said to have interest in Charlie Weis as OC. Just breathe that one in for a hot minute or 12.

MUfan said...

I was with a friend once when he was driving and got arrested for DUI. It was during my college days and we were up in northern Michigan (near Traverse City) over the summer. The cop asked me if I could drive the vehicle and I said I doubt it. He gave me a breathalyzer and said, "NOPE" and left me on the side of the road. This was back in 1993 or so, and I had to call my dad collect from a pay phone. The next day, my dad and I go get him out of jail and my dad says to him "I'm not going to lecture you at all - I'm sure your dad will do that. I'm also assuming you're hungry since you spent the night in jail. If you want, before you have to face your dad, I'll take you out to breakfast."

GMoney said...

Excellent parenting!

T. Iceman said...

The thought of Chaz Weis as the Browns OC makes me want to go out and get a DUI.

Anonymous said...

MUFan...your Dad sounds great. Where around TC were you? My family has a house in Cadillac that they pretty much spend all summer at. I also make a yearly trip to Torch Lake.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

The Browns will have a decided schematic advantage if Weis is hired though.