|Yes officer. Yes to everything.|
So it's Tuesday, Seal hasn't taken me up on my offer to get a beer or go to the casino, and I'm about to get off work. So I look up a place relatively close to my hotel with a solid happy hour. I decide on this place called The Pub. Great choice. Half priced Guinness and cocktails, cheap apps, and young ladies running around in short skirts with their boobs out. Good times. So I have myself an old fashioned, 2 Guinness' and a burger and fries. I'm there for a little over an hour and a half. Nothing crazy, just something right below $25 so my new employer will cover it without an itemized receipt.
So I'm on my way back, just about 2 miles to my hotel. Half way there and I encounter one of those either/or long yellow lights. I could stop, but I'm going 40, the roads are still slick, and I think the safest thing for me to do is just roll on through. Again, when I entered the intersection the light was yellow. Wrong. It just so happens that sitting right on the corner is a municipal headquarters...which also happens to host a police department. I get through the light and a cop immediately pulls out behind me. I pull onto some side street. The lights start flashing. Here we fucking go.
So here I sit. Waiting for some cop from the burbs with nothing better to do to come grill me and tell me I smell like booze, because of course. Sure enough, the second question, "How much have you had to drink tonight, sir?" Now I took a calculated risk in saying that I had a Guinness with dinner. He already had probable cause with me running the light, and then saying he smelled alcohol, so whether or not I said I had a drink wasn't going to make him change his mind. If he had just pulled me over for no reason, then I wouldn't admit a thing. I told him I'm only up here for work and don't know the area, told him I was caught between on the light and felt it was safer to proceed through it, and told him exactly where my hotel was and how close I was to it. And I'm fucking white which means I get a free pass, right? Hopefully me just being honest and white will get me on my way.
Wrong. After he runs my license and insurance he comes back and asks me to run through some sobriety tests. Say the alphabet starting at C and stopping at N. Okay. Touch my thumb to each finger, in order of pointer, middle, ring, pinky, while counting 1-2-3-4 and then do it backwards. Okay. He goes back to his car for a bit. I'm freaking the fuck out. I'm pretty sure I know what's coming next. I'm looking up everything I can on my phone to figure out what I should do next. Do I take the breathalyzer? Do I flat out deny everything? Do I do everything but the breathalyzer? So the cop comes back and tells me another unit is coming with a portable breathalyzer. I can take it, or if I refuse then I will have to get out of the car and do a full field sobriety test. He also tells me if I pass the breathalyzer then I don't get any ticket for the red light. So now I wait again.
While waiting this time I call a DUI lawyer hotline hoping that I can get somebody, anybody on the line that can tell me what to do. I get nobody, not even able to leave a message, just get hung up on. Looks like I'm on my own. So I start to look around my car. Anything to drink? Anything to eat? Anything at all that could possibly push the odds in my favor. I have half a coffee from that morning, that's actually turned into half slush. Well there it is. My plan is to chug this coffee the moment that other cop starts to walk towards me. I'm going to take the breathalyzer, at least the portable one because I'm pretty sure it's not admissible in court, and then if I don't pass then I will refuse it at the station. I have zero confidence this plan will work out. But it's all I've got. I'm also banking the general internet knowledge that, in my mind, is something like each 12 oz beer or single mixed drink will bump up your BAC by approximately .03. And your body should be able to metabolize at least one of those over the course of an hour. So I know that I'm close...or at least I think I do. But this cop and my guilty conscience have totally mindfucked me into believing that I'm gonna blow a .15 and end up in the slammer with my mugshot on the news.
So cop rolls up. I chug the coffee and put it down right before he gets to my window. I blow into the breathalyzer, using my same patented tongue strategy from before, and he bitches at me for not blowing hard enough(GAY). So I blow harder(and GAYer) and it clicks. I'm done. I sit there for a solid 2 minutes waiting for the results. Finally. The cop leans in, "Alright buddy, I'm gonna let you get on your way. You blew a .03. Next time don't run a red light in front of a police station after having a beer."
I get back to the hotel and I don't know whether to go get blacked the fuck out at the bar or go back to my room and swear off drinking because that fucking feeling just isn't worth it. I went back to the room. Had some coffee(THE BEST FUCKING DRINK IN THE WORLD NOW FOREVER AND EVER) and called Mrs. Ace. She confirmed that she absolutely would have killed me.
I still don't know how I feel about all this. Did I do something wrong? Because I still feel really guilty and I'm not sure I have any reason to be. Obvs I ran the light, but did I get away with drunk driving? Am I a giant fucking ass hole for potentially putting Mrs. Ace through the hell that would have came with that DUI, including more than likely losing my job? Or am I just a victim of the demonization of drunk driving and being warped by all the bullshit adds with invisible cops? Don't get me wrong, drunk driving is bad, but the amount of airtime it receives is mindblowing and the inflation of the numbers done by the National Highway Traffic Safety Admin is bogus. I still feel like I could drink a six pack and drive safer than most folks in Grump's age group.
So there it is. My extremely close call to Mrs. Ace removing my balls and me being incredibly fucked with my job, and potentially finding another job because DUI's get you an almost immediate boot in the mental health and education world. Oh, and do you have any tips for making sure you don't get a DUI if you happen to get pulled over? I know with this group we have obvs had some experience. I am totes going to buy a portable breathalyzer and test my theory.
Leave your close calls in the comments