Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Ohio vs. Oregon National ChampionSHIT: Live Blog


Didn't even take a full decade to forget this loser.



Today will either be the best or worst day in the history of college football.  Either we all get to hoist Mark May onto our shoulders while celebrating the Ohio Buckeyes falling short in yet another national championship game, or we're forced to live in a Godless world where the most undeserving fan base in the country gets to be happy.  Unfortunately I have a feeling the Fuckeyes win this one convincingly.  You don't dominate Bama in that fashion and then not show up in the title game.  Since today will definitely be about Ohio winning a national title or choking on a gaggle of duck dicks, we're going to live blog this one and just let the inmates run wild in the comment section.  A tried and true formula that always delivers.  Don't forget to LOL at Fat Face Troy SMIFF Young one last time before we kick things off.

8:09 - Doran Grant looks like a horse.  And Ezekiel Elliott's face looks like he's having an allergic reaction to shell fish.  First impression...Ohio has the advantage in ugly shit birds.

8:11 - Listening to Lee Corso makes me wonder how much longer ESPN is going to let this guy float slowly into insanity in front of our eyes.  One day he's gonna show up in just his underwear holding a spatula in one hand and a dead cat in the other.

8:16 - EXPERT PICK TIME!  Desmond Howard should make some more friends in Ohio by picking Oregon.  LOL.  David Pollock hates women's rights but likes the Ohios.  And Corso gives his patented curse to the Buckeyes...after accidentally spitting on himself and almost losing consciousness.

8:20 - "REMEMBER MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FOR CENTURIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIES!!"  Can't wait to hear this fucking song a billion times tonight.  Prime's musical heroes are annoying.

8:24 - How did Urban Meyer make it out of the tunnel without his heart exploding?  Lotta flashing lights and loud noises for a guy with heart problems.

8:27 - Mother of mercy!  Joey Bosa's nose needs its own zip code.



The Bosa brothers having some family fun

8:28 - That National Anthem would have been way better if done by Total Recall, IMO.  Something to think about next year, guy in charge of booking that job.

8:31 - Two minutes before kickoff seems like a good time for sideline interviews.  Get the fuck off the field, losers.  And someone kill Tom Rinaldi, please.

8:34 - KICKOFF!!  Oregon ball at the 25.

8:35 - Hey, guys.  Can anyone tell me if Oregon's offense goes fast?  More responsible journalists would probably alert the people watching at home to such important information.  It looks like it's Thomas Tyner's personal mission to fucking truck every last defender for the Buckeyes.  FUMBLE!!!!  Oof.  What a lucky bounce.  Jesus, ANOTHER FUMBLE!!!  Check that...knee down, Oregon keeps it.  What a crazy start.

8:43 - Oregon TD.  Uh oh....that was really fast and easy.  Probably a lot of sweaty Buckeye sacks out there right now.  7-0 Oregon.

8:48 - Ohio Buckeyes turn to respond.  Already a critical drive for them with 12 minutes to go in the 1st quarter.  Good Lord...Cardale Jones is a fuckin load.  Good run by him for a first down.  Well that didn't last long.  Punt.

8:53 - That Taco Bell commercial where the dick wad kid can't decide whether or not to pay for parking so he can shove diarrhea in his mouth is stupid as fuck.  Just use the drive thru, dipshit.  Oregon ball at the 10.  Buckeyes need a stop in order to keep this game under control...and they do on a dropped pass.

9:00 - AVENGERS, AVENGERS, AVENGERS, AVENGERS, AVENGERS!!!!!

9:01 - Buckeyes pinned deep and Oregon nearly gets a safety.  The advantage of Cardale Jones.  The guy could probably squat on a live grenade and be fine.  Huge first down for Ohio.  Hell of a catch by Marshall followed up by one of the gayest things I've ever seen...



9:04 - That's a pretty bad spot for Ohio on that 4th down...doesn't matter.  First down Buckeyes...touchdown Buckeyes.  This is exactly what they needed to do to keep this game from getting out of control.  7-7.

9:13 - Oregon keeps bailing Ohio out with dropped passes.  Punt.  And apparently Oregon doesn't want to tackle anyone today.  This game has officially swung in the favor of the Buckeyes.  Missed tackles, missed tackles, missed tackles.  14-7 Ohio on a tough run by Elliott.

9:24 - Oregon continues to hang themselves after such a promising start.  Another punt.  Buckeyes trying to rip this open in the LONGEST FUCKING QUARTER IN THE HISTORY OF FOOTBALL.

9:31 - First big mistake in this game...Oregon gets it back on a fumble and good thing, too.  Ohio was about 5 minutes away from jamming another TD up Oregon's asses.  Prediction time: Tyner is going to get a concussion before this game is over.  Dude is looking to nuke anyone who wants a taste.  Oregon red zone.  Oregon turnover on downs after some questionable play calling, IMO.  Take the 3, bruh.

9:41 - Buckeyes deep in their own territory again...Elliott bails them out again.  This fat faced, big mouthed fuckin nerd came to play.  Deep pass by Jones....FUMBLE!!!!!!!!  That one hurts if you're the Buckeyes.  They were about to step on Oregon's neck with their stilettos.  The only thing that's been more entertaining than this game is watching my college buddy absolutely fucking meltdown on Twitter.  He's called this game over about 14 different times tonight.  I don't think he's going to survive the evening.  Oregon does nothing with the turnover gift and punts again.

9:52 - I'll never understand how people allow Devin Smith to catch deep bombs.  You would think defensive coordinators would make it a point to make sure the guy who leads FBS in YPCatch doesn't do that in a championship game.  Three plays later and Ohio is in total control with another TD.  21-7 Ohio.  Should be more like 35-7.

10:00 - Oregon needs points here...any points...or this one could be over with Ohio getting the ball first in the 2nd half.  I'm still trying to figure out why a guy who only threw 3 INTs isn't throwing every down.  But that's none of my business.  This could be the second college QB the Buckeyes ruin for the NFL draft.  #KenDorsey  Oregon gets a FG to make it 21-10 and Oregon is in deep shit.  It isn't often a team has 2 turnovers, is up 11 AND getting the ball first in the 2nd half.  Ouch, babe.  Halftime after a really moronic trick play.

10:31 - Tim Tenor went the entire halftime show without shouting out RibFest or The MoneyShot once.  Pretty rude, IMO.

10:41 - Second half starts with Tom Rinaldi's stupid face.  Why is he still alive?  Buckeyes ball and Elliott picking up where he left off.  This game is probably over if Ohio scores here.  Buckeyes driving again and Jones picks up the first on 4th down because he's a fast, giant dinosaur.  Jesus...a 3rd fucking turnover for the Buckeyes.  Maybe they're trying to set the record for most turnovers in a win.  Don't worry, Mariota is already mentally broken.  Don't expect much on this next drive.

10:50 - Nevermind.  TD Oregon on first play from scrimmage.  21-17 Ohio.  Uhhhh...wut?  Under review???  Oh Jesus Herbert Christ.  You have got to be shitting me.

10:52 - All bias aside...Ohio got screwed on that call.  That ball was coming out before the ball broke the goal line.  Which brings me to...STUPID FUCKING DUMB FUCK SHIT FOR BRAINS COCK LOVING DICK FUCK!  I'm stunned this behavior still happens at any level of football.  How many fucking times are idiotic dumb shit WRs gonna do that diva shit at the goal line before they realize how stupid it is?!  If I'm Helfrich, Byron Marshall is running sprints bright and early tomorrow morning until he shits and pukes at the same time.

11:00 - Another.  Fucking.  Turnover.  That football is coming out like it's covered in Peter King's belly lard.  Ducks in the red zone but only get 3.  Four turnovers and only 10 points to show for it.  Ohio's red zone defense making those bone head turnovers hurt less than they should.  21-20 Ohio.

11:11 - Let's see how Ohio responds after their 4th turnover.  The game plan from here on out for Ohio should be Elliott infinity carries until the clock reads zero.  Oregon doesn't have an answer for him.  Touchdown Elliot.  28-20 Ohio, end of the 3rd.

11:21 - Hey there!  Hold onto your dicks!  A Disney movie about cross country.  Hoo boy, that one should be a gas!  Early Oscar nominee!!  LOL.  Get the fuck out of here.  No one wants to see some bullshit movie about running.

11:22 - Marcus Mariota's brother Matt looks like the fat, nonathletic kid that is sure to be an incredible disappointment to his entire family.  He probably eats a lot of ham and Oreo sandwiches.  Oregon punts again and this game is about to be over as long as URBZ takes my ELITE advice and just pounds it with Elliott.

11:32 - Another long drive for the Buckeyes resulting in another TD by Elliott.  He's a dumb, black, queer and I hate him.  But he's been unstoppable and Ohio doesn't win this game without him.  Hopefully he does something really black, like rapes a white girl with a giant bag of coke, in the off season and gets kicked off the team.

11:38 - If I'm Mark May, I'm really thinking about deactivating my Twitter, quitting broadcasting, moving to a log cabin in Montana and changing my name to something inconspicuous like Travis Wilkins.  Mariota gets hurt because Bosa is a cheap bitch.  This game is really over now if Mariota can't make it back.  Who am I kidding...this shit is fucking over regardless.  Ohio gets the ball back with a chance to slam the door.  Nope.

11:55 - One last shot for Oregon.  Not even close.  Game over.  42-20 Ohio Turd Suckers.

Well, eat it up assholes.  You did it.  No one can say this isn't hands down the best team in college football.  They fought back from a horrid Virginia Tech loss at home and beat all the teams everyone said they couldn't.  You're all faggot cunts and I hate you all but the playoff system worked.  We have an undisputed national champion, the best team won, you guys got the SEC monkey off your back and you made Mark May eat large quantities of his own shit.  Nowhere to go from here but down.  The shock of the night had to be Cardale Jones not sounding like a total buffoon during his post game interview.  I'm sure people nation wide were cringing as that mic was jammed in his face.  I was CERTAIN that a guy behind the infamous "didn't come here to play school" Tweet would sound like a bigger dipshit than Jameis Winston.  Sadly, he didn't.  That's it for me.  All you Ohio fans can eat shit covered dicks.  Especially Cakes.

44 comments:

Jeff said...

Strap in, today oughta be dandy!

Anonymous said...

Not bad for a #6or7 win team.

Bucks could have scored 60 last night if not for dropping the football every other drive. Complete domination.

Zeke was unstoppable and proved that it's the same old Oregon. They can't beat a physical team.

The Urban train is just getting started as this will probably be his worst team for the next 5 years. It's gonna be a fun ride.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Nothing remotelty fun about today but this made me laugh loud...it is the exact time when Niceman reverted back to Iceman:

He's a dumb, black, queer and I hate him. But he's been unstoppable and Ohio doesn't win this game without him. Hopefully he does something really black, like rapes a white girl with a giant bag of coke, in the off season and gets kicked off the team.

Yeah, today is going to be bad. Hopefully, all of our turd suckers got arrested or died of alcohol/semen poisoning.

Expect a ton of past quotes and comments to resurface.

That said, I nailed that game from the start. I'm smarter than everyone about football specifically the Wing T offense but also everything else.

Shelley Meyer is a whore.

Mr. Ace said...

Well said. All of it.

You know how you make a Fuckeyes title feel good? Bet the Fuckeyes on the moneyline, bet the 1st half under and then bet the Fuckeyes moneyline in the 2nd half. I almost yelled Zeeeeeeeeeeke.

I know I am supposed to be upset because our rival won...but i don't feel that way. I fucking love Cardale Jones. He stopped up into that spot light and it didn't feel like he changed who he was one bit...maybe just having a daughter can give you that perspective. But I love that guy. I hope he goes pro and gets drafted in the Top 10. I don't think he'll succeed at the next level, but I won't be a hater if he does.

So congrats to him. Fuck the rest of you.

GMoney said...

McShay was just on Pot Roast and the Fag and said FOURF round just due to being so green. I could see that. I'd rather have him than maybe Brett Hundley.

And Mariota cost himself some money last night.

Making big money on Ohio certainly softens the blow. But then you see half the fans either lighting the town on fire or telling Mark May to suck their dicks on FB and you think, nah, you don't deserve this. But that is just sour grapes talking I suppose, after all, I am just a "hater".

MUDawgfan said...

I'm so upset Ohio State won last night, I don't know what to do. I feel exactly the same way I did when Mitt Romney lost.

I really and truly need a break from sports. A legit two months off since football was so disappointing this year. I have absolutely no idea why I continue to watch it when all it does is make me so very upset.

Everybody who does the right thing, works hard, says the right things, stays out of trouble, keep quiets, goes to class, doesn't get arrested, lives simply and quietly, (Matt Ryan, Bobby Cox, Enrico Blasi, Tom Glavine, John Smoltz, Chipper Jones, Mark Richt, Aaron Murray, Mike Smith) gets absolutely screwed every year.

Just watch, the Hawks are off to a BLAZING start this year, but they'll get screwed by Chicago or Cleveland in the playoffs and won't make the finals. Despite the fact they play hard and as a team and keep quiet.

Meanwhile, shitbags like Urban Meyer, Cam Newton, John Calapari, Jim Tressell, Lebron James, Gus Malzahn, Sean Payton, Pete Carroll - all win multiple championships.

The good and humble guys never, ever finish first. The world is run by total pricks and it makes me very upset.
I need to find something to do with myself next fall. Baby MUDawgfan arrives in late June and that will be time consuming, but I have to have a new hobby or 2nd job to stay away from sports. Fucking excruciating...

Anonymous said...

THE LINE TO SUCK MY DICK STARTS RIGHT HERE.

Iceman....you're first in line with #7or8wins #JustLostTheConference. Never forget that you are THE WORST. #CausedByIcemanAndG$ starts NOW.

G$...You're next...tickle my balls a little as not surprisingly, Iceman was terrible. You've said that every year Meyer doesn't win a championship is a win for you....WELL, SUCK MY DICK BIG FELLA. You've got a whole year of championship cum on your upper lip now. We're coming back preseason #1 and the makings of a DYNASTY in Columbus have begun. Fuck...we got THREE 5* commitments for 2016 and 2017 LAST NIGHT. CARRY THE BUCKEYE TREE BITCH.

Grumps....you son of a bitch. Go change your twitter handle to "GO DUCKS" of whatever that shit was again. Lick my taint while you pleasure me. Have fun living in this BUCKEYE STATE under a football national championship.

Ape....I'm gonna give you a reprieve...because you weren't buying Iceman's bullshit that he didn't really mean #7or8wins and you like Cardale. Just remember....Meyer > Harbaugh.

BLESS ALL OF MY OTHER BUCKEYE FANS HERE! EVEN YOU SLOW! A DYNASTY HAS BEGUN! THIS IS AN OHIO STATE FOOTBALL WORLD AND WE'RE ALL LIVING IN IT!

--Drew

Anonymous said...

LOLZZZZZZZZZZ at that crybaby post by MUDAWGFAN. Holy Shit...never knew you were such a pussy...how in the world were you able to father a child without a dick? Did you find a surrogate Father?

--Drew

MuDawgfan said...

Fuck off Drew.

You can shit on my teams all you like, but don't speak about my wife/family/home life.

It's totally over the line.

Anonymous said...

I talked about your wife? LOLZ! Newsflash brah...if you can't take being told that you don't have a dick then this place isn't for you...you pussy.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

HOT FUCKING BLAZING TAEKS THIS MORNING!!!

GMoney said...

That went about as well as expected. Wasn't expecting Drew to blow Ace though.

Congrats, Dawg! The world is a terrible place to bring a child into as you can see from this comment section.

And yes, LeBron James is the worst. If he doesn't play tonight after yucking it up with Damon Jones at JerryWorld last night I am going to be fucking furious.

GMoney said...

Not sure why Drew is going HAM considering he predicted a loss yesterday like a loser. Doesn't go both ways.

Anonymous said...

My opinion of Mariota changed drastically last night. OSU's defense is no where near NFL calibur and Oregon runs a very unique, hard to stop offense, and he still looked like shit... I guess playing in the Pac-12 makes you really look THAT good. I want that guy no where near the Browns. Dude sucks and is OVERRATED.

All that being said, holy fuck was OSU ready for that game last night. Urban Meyer proved that he is the best coach in college football last night, hands down. Dude had an amazing game plan and made Oregon look silly on both sides of the ball. And not only this game... the amount of adversity this team went through was handled so well by the coaching staff (Urban, because I refuse to ever give any credit to Fickel). Pretty fucking impressive.

Give me Jones on the Browns now... probably wont be a stud, but he's better than anything we currently have at QB.

If he comes back (which I don't think he does), that ought to be an interesting situation... you can't bench a guy that just won a natty. Im incredibly curious to see how this pans out going into next fall.

What did I say on my rant about Oregon a few weeks ago? Oregon never wins the big one? They are ALWAYS OVERRATED? Fuck that school and that conference.

Seal

GMoney said...

Just saw a comment on Facebook that had the "term"...

IMO-H-I-O

That's incredible. Dumping an imo in front of the horrible chant is ELITE. That guy has to be the dumbest person on the planet.

NFL is better.

GMoney said...

Anyone else think that Drool might be overcompensating just a bit after getting his colon rearranged by Tom Crean this past weekend? I think so, bro. Us smart people see right through this charade.

Anonymous said...

Like I give a fuck about losing a basketball game right now.

OHIO STATE FOOTBALL IS THE BEST IN THE WORLD!!!! PUT US IN THE NFL PLAYOFFS.

--Drew

GMoney said...

As if you could compete with Joe Flacco...LOLOLOLOLOL!

Big fan of Bob Newhart ref last night but he comes in fourth in my all time ref rankings behind Art Shell Ref, Jerome Booger, and Jerry Sandusky Ref. Art Shell Ref will ALWAYS be #1.

ESPU other sports analyst simulcast was amazing. Barry Melrose was bringing it strong. He knows nothing about football (just like Drew) and it was the best (unlike Drew).

Prime99 said...

Seal coming with some barrel fire takes right there! Just remember, Johnny Football looked amazing in college as well. While Mariotta's stock is down and Cardale's is up, one game isn't the end all be all in figuring out how good a player will be in the NFL.

Oregon's receivers seemed to forget how to catch on 3rd downs. That will certainly not help win a game. Overall, pretty entertaining game. Highlight was the Avengers trailer, tho.

Jeff said...

Drew bringing heat as expected. I do question Mudswgfans taek when he says that last night had him in a post election like depression. So you hate "shitbags", but get upset about elections which involve the biggest shitbags in the world, politicians. Makes sense.

Anonymous said...

"The good and humble guys never, ever finish first. The world is run by total pricks and it makes me very upset.
I need to find something to do with myself next fall."

Yeah? You mean the team owned by Nike couldn't get past their 'aw shucks' demeanor and pull one out? Go watch the Little Giants if you want some humble victories. And, I'm pretty sure OSU is good and humble, what with our 3rd string qb and all.

Now with that said, HOLY SHIT. We went a LONG way from not winning our conference in September to hoisting the trophy.

Harbaughs favorite team showed him why he won't amount to jack and shit in Michigan. Remember when you guys were excited over that hire? Cute. Here's to another decade of you getting outplayed.

I thought that the Bob Newhart ref was having a stroke on live television. You cannot completely convince me that he wasn't.

Next year? Good God, that will be a blood bath.

#7or8wins

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Lolz Ide. Remember when you were excited about hiring Urbz? Cute. Now Michigan is in the exact same fucking boat...but with a rival who will likely be a legit title contender for the next 2 years obvs.

HARBAUGH!

Anonymous said...

"I do question Mudswgfans taek when he says that last night had him in a post election like depression. So you hate "shitbags", but get upset about elections which involve the biggest shitbags in the world, politicians. Makes sense."

This is just a great, great, great post.

--Drew

Nibbles said...

"Now Michigan is in the exact same fucking boat"

Wrong. Jim Harbaugh isn't stepping into a situation where only one year of shitty coaching and loss of program building was present (Luke Fickell in 2011).

Prior to 2011, OSU's recruiting, player development and overall program stability was still tops with Tressel at the helm. As damaging as 2011 was, not all of JT's progress was undone in that one lost season.

In Michigan's case, the program and recruiting was tailored towards a system coach from 2008 to 2010. Then from 2011 to 2014, a new coach comes in with the purpose of deconstructing the old system and putting things back to the way they use to be prior to 2008. All the while, using old system players and teaching them new system schemes.

The 6 years prior to Harbaugh coming in at Michigan are completely dissimilar to the 6 years prior to Urban coming in.

Harbaugh will NOT go 12-0 in his first season. I would be surprised if he goes 9-4. An 8-5 season with a Wild Wings or Citrus Bowl victory seems realistic. Losses to MSU, OSU, and Utah I think are certain. Sprinkle in two more upsets due to growing pains within the program.

T. Iceman said...

I stand by my assessment and hopes for Ezekiel Elliott, G$. We should all be hoping for that.

Yeah, after thinking about it after the game last night...today won't be as bad as I thought because the best team OBVZ won the title. You don't de-nut Wisconsin, beat Bama in a stadium that's basically a home game for them and dominate the #2 team and call that an accident.

The difference in this game was definitely URBZ. He had those guys ready to play and Oregon wasn't. That's the DIF between a guy who's been there before and a guy still learning.

I think Mariota needs to come back after that ass kicking. The last tape scouts have on him is him being completely overwhelmed by an average defense. Then bawling like a bitch afterwards. Mariota couldn't have enforced Oregon's "soft" stereotype more with that combination. Toughen up, bruh.

LOL at Harbaugh not ever winning shit. I know you're still high from huffing Jay-Z's farts...or whatever celebrity you were fake hanging out with last night...but let's pump the breaks there, son.

T. Iceman said...

The talent is on the roster, Nibs. Hoke had 18th, 6th and 7th ranked classes his last 3 years at Michigan. Hoke just had no clue how to develop guys where Harbaugh does. I'm not saying Michigan goes undefeated next year but as you guys know, with the right coach a program can be turned around very quickly as long as there is talent on the roster.

Anonymous said...

The bar is set at national championships. Harbaugh ain't bringing those home.

Ide

T. Iceman said...

"The bar is set at national championships. Harbaugh ain't bringing those home."

LOL. Based on what evidence? Because you said so?

GMoney said...

The bar is set at Rumplemintz.

Mr. Ace said...

The bar is set at a National Championship in year 3. I don't really disagree with that. HARBAUGH knows what he has to do.

And as Ice said, this isn't a talent deprived team. The only thing Brady Hoke did well as a coach is point. I expect big thing from HARBAUGH immediately. Sure, not 12-0...in the first year. But by year 3? That's definitely in play.

Anonymous said...

Iceman...what size do you want your "UNDISPUTED CHAMPS" t-shirt?

Not gonna lie....I had several shots of the rumplemintz last night.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

And I thought my Adam Banks #CakeEater FB post was dynamite last night.

And why the fuck was there not an S-E-C chant started last night????????? That would have been beyond #ELITE.

GMoney said...

The real winner last night was me who got blocked on Twitter by Darren Rovell although I'm not sure why. Probably called him a pig fucker at some point. #ELITE

T. Iceman said...

G$ is the real MVP.

Anonymous said...

Iceman...don't sell yourself short...you and G$ share those honors.

#CausedByIcemanAndG$

--Drew

Prime99 said...

HOT TAEK ALERT: just overheard someone in the break room say Oregon is not as good as FSU. My new job is going well

Anonymous said...

Moot point, they both aren't nearly as good as OSU. Tell them that.

Extra special LULZ to the kid from FSU trying to recruit Braxton on twitter. Though, I do feel awful for Braxton. Poor guy may get fucked out of next season. I almost want Cardale to go, just to make the QB fight next year go easier.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Hey guys....

Just a reminder that Ohio State is WORLD CHAMPIONS OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL and Urban Meyer is our coach.

--Drew

GMoney said...

That poor kid is porn star Mia Khalifa who shits all over Islam by getting nailed in Muslim dress. They apparently do not enjoy this. She is ELITE.

GMoney said...

College Football Wrap-Up "Show" tomorrow so get your final takes ready.

#6or7weaktaeks

Anonymous said...

I hope it brings light to the fact that OSU won the national championship.

Ide

GMoney said...

Well I have determined that your zombie head coach has never won a title without Timmy Tenor roaming his sidelines and talking to Jesus or whatever. You owe Tim ribs, jerks.

Anonymous said...

I better get COY for College Football posts. Buckeyes are gonna need a moving fan for all of the hardware we should get tomorrow.

--Drew (National Champion)

GMoney said...

Parks & Rec tonight, bruh! Apparently the second episode is Jamm-packed.