Thursday, January 15, 2015

How to Have a Diaper Party!

He's magnificent.
Quick Note: It's fucking cold outside. If you notice a dog tied up outside, CALL THE FUCKING COPS! If you notice a dog in a fenced in yard for a long time without any human attention, CALL THE FUCKING COPS! Seriously. I know you don't want to get into it and it might end up being a hassle, but that dog is going to fucking die. I can't imagine much that is more excruciating than freezing to death. And I'm not sure there is a better indicator of being an awful fucking human than letting a pet suffer in that way. CALL THE FUCKING COPS! END RANT.

Alright, today we are talking a father's most cherished moment...the diaper party. It's like a bachelor party disguised as men caring about an unborn child. A truly beautiful thing.

This past weekend I attended a diaper party for a certain former commenter who will not be named. It was a grand ol' time, outside of being suckered into a theological debate until 5 AM and being witness to a 3 AM prayer circle. So it was basically my sophomore year of college all over again. But there was plenty of beer, a pretty awesome basement that featured a pool table and a shuffleboard table, good people, five hours in the car with a Rex, and a floor for me to crash on...at 5:30 AM. I also woke up with no pants on, but thankfully covered by a blanket. Pretty sure that's how diaper party's are supposed to go.

So I want the Money Shot Maniacs to have a part in planning mine. Here are some key components I think need to be addressed going in:

Beer Selection: Quality or Quantity?
My friends can drink. A lot. And I'm not throwing a diaper party just so all you/those fucks can get drunk on my dime. Oh, you brought a $12 pack of diapers? Sure, drink all of the Two Hearted Ale you want. Fuck that noise. Do I set up a tiered system for the party goers? Natty in one keg--under $15, Yuengling in another--$15-$30, and then Guinness in the VIP section-$30+. This could work.

Shit to do: GREATEST IDEA EVER!
You want to know my grand idea? HIRE A BLACKJACK DEALER! Seriously, what could be better than that for a diaper party? Okay, strippers would be better. What about strippers who deal blackjack?!?!?! Do you understand what I'm doing here? I'm taking the diaper party game to the next level!
Next Level
The Host: Umm...Me?
I have been to 3 diaper parties, and not once has the father hosted. Is that how these things usually go? 1. I don't think I want anybody else planning this thing. I pretty much planned and organized my own bachelor party. I'm not a control freak, but I like to have a plan. 2. How does that conversation even go? "Hey bro, I'm having a kid. Can you call all my friends and tell them to bring me diapers and then we can get drunk together?" Sounds weird to me.

In-laws: Invited?
Do I have to invite Mrs. Ace's dad? I mean, he's an alright guy. I guess. But assuming I'm hosting this thing at my house, that's a 2.5 hour drive for him. Do I then have to offer him a bedroom? I really don't want to. How about younger brother-in-laws? My brother-in-law is a Junior in high school. I'm pretty sure he drinks, as I predicted he would be total stoner 5 years ago and I usually have a pretty good success rate with those predictions. He's also dating a freshman in college...maybe I should just invite her friends.

Food: WE B GRILLIN'?
I don't think I can host a diaper party with a bunch of bros and just offer them seitan and some veggie dogs. The diaper party this past weekend had a nice spread; meat and cheese tray, some wangs, pulled pork, and some peanut butter cracker sandwiches covered in chocolate that I consumed at least 50 of between 2AM and 4AM. But I plan on doing this thing in May, which means it's grillin' season. Burgers and dogs it is, right? Or do I grill some wings to and really show off my chops? Wait, do I have to fucking cook for this shit too?

I have 5 months to get this all planned out and I want to do it right. What say you, Money Shot Maniacs? What's the proper way to throw a diaper party? It's just a more mature version of a bachelor party, right?
I'd bring this guy just for you, Ide/Dut/Shook's Sons

39 comments:

Anonymous said...

None of my friends that have had kids have ever had a diaper party and I am thankful for that. Sounds dumb as hell.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Although when the time comes....I would attend a diaper party for Grumpy.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I have heard of diaper parties in theory, but never knew anyone to throw one. If G$ did, then I willfully ignored it.

How many people are you planning for? A simple keg seems sufficient. Maybe a case as a backer.

Hot N Readys should be the only food provided imo.

Ide

Nibbles said...

I didn't know what to think going into it. Glad I went, much more fun than what I anticipated.

Learned what a pink pussycat was, found the greatest shuffleboard in all of Northwest Ohio, and remembered how much I suck at pool.

Mr. Ace said...

The way I understand a Diaper Party is this: It's a baby shower for bros. Instead of playing stupid baby name games we play blackjack/beer pong/corn hole. Instead of having a potluck or some shit where every signs up to bring a dish, the host provides by either grilling or ordering food. Instead of drinking sparkling grape juice we drink beer and/or whiskey. How does that not sound legit? It's just an excuse to get together. And as baby time gets closer I know I will miss getting together more and more.

PINK PCATS!

I haven't really thought about how many ppl. I was definitely thinking keg. The issue is when I get a keg almost always 3 or 4 friends come over 6 hours before the party is actually supposed to start and put a serious dent in. Then it's a crapshoot if it's gonna make it depending on how many people show. But RSVP's are lame so I won't get an actual head count.

GMoney said...

Wait--was it a bachelor party or a diaper party for the former shitbag commenter that quit on us apparently? You said bachelor at the start. CLARIFY YOUR BONDS, N*****.

The diaper party is a perfectly cromulent event. Hell, we're still not even halfway through the haul of diapers that we got at ours. That is HUGE because shitholders are expensive.

We had a joint one thrown for us and the Z's by bros and hos that we know. They seemed to know what they were doing. I think we had trays of BBQ pork and shredded chicken with a few kegs of Yuengling to boot. I don't know--maybe OHNate is off work today and can drop tips since he helped throw it.

Z and I had to run some sort of makeshift dad obstacle course. It was NOT easy.

Either way, I agree that it is a way better time than you think it will be. And enjoy it because once that kid plops out, you will hardly ever see these people again.

GMoney said...

So this is all bruhs? No skanks? I would re-think this. Someone needs to make side dishes and clean up after you mongrels.

I've only been to one though (my own) and it was for all. I'm actually going to a couples diaper party back in Nap this weekend where the guest list is EIGHTY. That's like inviting 1000 people to your wedding.

Nibbles said...

Inviting WAGS would take away from the whole thing. Would feel more like a dinner rehearsal for the birth as opposed to a bachelor party.

GMoney said...

I see your point. HOWEVAH, seeing a couple of giant preggos walking around could serve as a nice reminder that you need to think before you do something crazy.

By the way, RibFest is not a diaper party.

Prime99 said...

I've only been to a couple of these diaper parties and didn't throw my own (was living in an apartment when ZackAttack was born, it was only months later we moved into our Prime Real Estate.) Unsure if I would've done anything but I agree that a stockpile of diapers is awfully helpful.

The one I went to last month was a lunch/beer/football watching party during the Niners/Raiders game (which was hilarious.) I also went to one years ago that was a poker tournament. $25 and a large package of diapers was the buy-in, top 3 cashed (I got 3rd), and the future father keeps all the diapers. He actually won the tournament so that was quite the extra bonus. Beer and kamikaze were available. It was a good time.

I don't think it has to be an all out rager where you wake up without pants. Ace announces he's going to be a dad, then almost gets a DUI, feels kind of bad about it, then gets drunk and wakes up with no pants on the follow weekend. Impressive drinking and stories but are you trying to fit in as much partying before the baby comes or something?

GMoney said...

OH SNAP PRIME JUST KILLED ACE!!! THAT WAS ELITE! WAY TO PUT THAT FUCKER DOWN FOR GOOD!

Anonymous said...

The answer is right in front of your nose...Kahoots

--Larry Brown

Mr. Ace said...

Prime, this is a blog full of bravado and ballsacks, if you can't handle it, step aside. You're awfully judgy lately. I'm here if you need to talk.

It doesn't need to be a rager. I wouldn't describe my past weekend one as a rager. I literally sat in a basement for 5 hours, after playing pool and shuffleboard and watching football, and had a debate about education/god/politics. Not like we were doing kegstands between HOT TAEKS on the merits of the old testament.

And a diaper party is all bros all day. Otherwise it's called a couples shower.

But I do want the atmosphere to be fun...maybe even raucous. I look at it as a last hoorah before an enormous shift in lifestyle and priorities.

And I can't sleep with pants on under any circumstances.

Nibbles said...

Yeah, this past diaper party was more like a get together. Didn't even go to Rick's. Played shuffleboard.

Did more sitting around a table and talking over beers.

If that's a rager, then I guess I'm a lot cooler than I always thought.

GMoney said...

You would be a lot cooler if you went to Rick's.

Sitting around a table and listening to Ape discuss God sounds like the worst night ever. Nothing else comes close outside of an evening of having a train run through your anus in prison or five minutes with Ide.

Mr. Ace said...

And let me clarify that. I tried to avoid this debate. I did not start it. In fact, from 11 until about 1:30 I reminded people that Rick's would be closing soon and we needed to go. I wanted to go to Club Rick's so bad.

Anonymous said...

I'd enjoy drinking with Ape while he talked about God....especially if it was rustling the jimmies of others.

--Drew

GMoney said...

By the way, Always Sunny was incredible last night. I am all for Wade Boggs cameos and episodes dedicated to his drinking and chicken-eating prowess.

"WHAT DO NOW"--drunk Charlie

Prime99 said...

I didn't judge anything. I summarized a couple key points from your last couple posts. Your description of this weekend's shindig was clearly supposed to make it sound like an awesome party or your sophomore year of college was terrible. The pants line was supposed to make us think you were drunk and woke up without pants on due to the drinking. Why throw it in if that is standard protocol?

Also, how would you need three kegs for what sounds to be a gathering of 20 people? Is everyone trying to break Wade Boggs' beer drinking record?

Prime99 said...

Goddamn it, G$- you beat me to the Wade Boggs reference! I should've used Boss Hogg instead.

Mr. Ace said...

This is a blog, not a diary. While I'm pretty comfortable sharing my personal life with internet friends/strangers, my primary goal is to entertain...as I think Ice and G$ would agree. So I take some liberties with exaggeration and embellishment, because I think it's more entertaining.

For example, I wrote that dui post the Tuesday night that I got pulled over. I know G$ and I have mentioned how cathartic blogging can be, and that was a good example of it. I got all my scrambled thoughts down in front of me. Then the next day I went back over it to make it more entertaining and not just me telling a story. I try to find the happy balance between entertainment and truth.

And there would only be one keg. Unless I implemented my diaper gift caste system to make the cheapos drink their Natty swill...out of cans of course.

T. Iceman said...

A good friend of mine back home owns 2 bars in BG. So every diaper party I've ever been to has been at one of his bars. He lets the host buy a keg from him at a discounted price, then charges everyone there a quarter a pitcher. Apparently it's illegal to give away that much booze at a bar. Then the bar is theirs for however long they want it for that day. One guy brought a grill and did burgers and dogs...the other guys ordered Myles pizza. Everyone got shitty drunk. It was great.

I applaud Ace for getting gassed so much lately. Do it while you can, bruh. Almost every person I know with kids has no social life anymore. Not saying there's anything wrong with that; but if getting shit canned is something you like...get it all out of your system while Ace Jr is still cooking.

Prime99 said...

So it's OK to call out #IdeLies but only if its not coming from you? Goes both ways imo.

Mr. Ace said...

#IdeLies are a thing here that everybody loves and cherishes. Ide has said himself that he might embellish a little, but he sticks by his stories. So yes, I see a difference in that. I also see a difference in Ide posting a comment and me creating a post. But hey, whatever floats your boat.

And this reminds me that Lacey is on deck for the next commenter AMA.

And from what I'm gathering I'm not supposed to be hosting this thing. Might have to figure this out/just invite everyone to Duts without telling him.

GMoney said...

I better be invited if it is at the old LFL HQ.

Creative license is key to quality blogging. Also key: a license to kill.

Uh yeah, make someone else do the work. You know a lot of black dudes. They will probably cherish the chance at working hard for once (not in a racist way but a LOL way obvz).

GMoney said...

Also: good luck in the NFL, Cardale! Just kidding I don't care.

GMoney said...

Prime/Lacey, you pumped for some John Fox?

GMoney said...

How about an unprecedented FOUR comments in a row?

Ahem...

Food Post tomorrow

T. Iceman said...

G$ talking to himself, apparently.

Cardale Jones as a 3rd round pick after 3 games? interesting...

Anonymous said...

Food post eh? No doubtedly something I can throw my hot takes behind.

This Cardale thing is odd. Why a presser if you're staying, and why announce a presser if you're going? Just fucking announce it.

Ide

Prime99 said...

I think john fox is a good hire if that's the direction they go. I don't have a better suggestion.

Bill Callahan to the 'Skins? Come git some!

GMoney said...

He's a really good OL coach but that's about all I want him to do. Makes Dallas worse, too.

This reeks of Teddy Senior wanting to have GINN ACADEMY on SportsCenter since Glenville has been a middling program as of late.

T. Iceman said...

Speaking of food...I mistakenly watched a man vs food rerun the other night. Katz's deli. Ever been, Ide? It looked fucking great and really made me want a pastrami and corned beef sandwich.

Anonymous said...

I'll be excited for john fox if we make the playoffs. It's stupid getting excited about a coach hire unless it's a BRAH or Urbz.

I recommend we do the AMA at High Beck so we can enjoy some free pizza and pong. Although that would mean Mrs. Ward would not be involved.

Lacey

Anonymous said...

SHOCKED that Cardale is coming back.

Seal

Anonymous said...

WTF does AMA mean? I assume it means diaper party but I'm not hip to these internet slang terms.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

It's great to be a Buckeye.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

AMA = Ask Me Anything

Anonymous said...

Cardale is staying at OSU as he didn't want to take a pay cut!!