Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Final Thoughts On A Shitty College Football Season

Ah Ah Ah Ah Table Five, Table Five--Disco Dabo
We're going to officially wrap up the season Frank Shirley-style today (with a big red bow on it OBVZ).  Enough has been said about the final game although I'm 100% certain that that will carry the day again but I am going to spend my focus on everything else.  If you recall, the season began with an otherworldly performance by future four time Heisman winner, Kenny "Trill" Hill, and a week later we laughed very hard at a certain local team getting murked by a favorite watering hole of Oriental gunman.  Five months later, that local team is the last team standing and Hill is looking for a new school to suck dicks at.  Point is: shit changes quick.

Let's bullet-point the fuck out of the 2014-2015 college football season:

*We finally got to see Gunner Kiel and he was about as average as they come.  That's great, too, because he is such a piece of shit.  Tommy Tuberville was not a good hire by UC.

*Florida State's weekly dance with the devil turned out to be one of the year's finest plots.  It ended the only way that felt right: in completely embarrassing fashion on a gigantic stage.  Jameis Winston kept being an idiot and Jimbo Fisher kept selling his soul for one more W.  The last two years of Noles Football and FSU Twitter was one hell of a wild ride, bruh.

*The ACC is sort of an afterthought if you aren't discussing FSU, Clemsoning, or Canes getting arrested on the reg, but there are some rock solid coaches down there that don't get the attention that they probably deserve.  What David Cutcliffe and Paul Johnson do is pretty amazing.  I'm also not giving up on Al Golden.

*Speaking of the Canes, The U Part 2 was just as pathetic as the first one.  If you want to see a bunch of grown ass men whining about everything, boy do I have four hours of jock-sniffing for you!  The very end with the flag thrown in and the title number taken away was disgusting.  GIVE IT A REST.

*We talk about the Big Ten here all the time so I won't dwell on it too much today but I do want to say again that the chasm between the East teams and the West is like the NFC West vs. the Columbus City League.  The Big Ten championship is going to suck for a LONG time.

*The Big 12 was left holding the colostomy bag because they couldn't decide which team was their ONE TRUE CHAMPION and this is going to keep being an issue until they either add more schools or stop being a pussy.  It would also help if Texas became a power again and Bob Stoops would quit being a loser.

*Bob Stoops fucking sucks.  I'm glad that everyone is getting on this bandwagon that should have been full from the start.  Oklahoma would be better if they named Jim Ross head coach.

*Anyone else scratch their head at Brian Bosworth and Jim Tressel getting into the College Football Hall of Fame?  Tressel still isn't allowed to coach from breaking all the rules and Boz's entire persona was based on steroids and breaking the rules.  This seems odd.

*Notre Dame started out like gang-busters and, once they were stopped from running cheating pick plays, they folded like Dut at a poker table.  Fuck Lacey or whatever Iceman says weekly.  However, Malik Zaire or whatever his name is looked pretty good in the bowl game.

*The MAC continued to be a force of all that is pure and good in this world.  The conference keeps getting better even after all of the coaches move on.  PJ Fleck will be the next to go for sure.  What won't go?  The Glory Hole of the Week which continues to make money fist-over-fleshlight.

*Oregon keeps banging their head on the ceiling.  This program thinks that they are the smartest people in the room but every time that they get a little resistance, they're fucked.  They have one gear: warp speed.  If you fuck with that, it's done.  This is not going to change.

*I expect a monster comeback season out of STANFORD FOOTBALL in 2015.  They just got away from playing STANFORD FOOTBALL too much this season.

*Finally, let's talk about the SEC.  Yeah, they had a very bad bowl season and are now two years removed from a title.  I don't believe that the country is catching up to them.  One coach is (who will remain nameless) and has figured out how to go toe-to-toe.  I think it's important to look beyond just the bowl season though.  Auburn has the best offensive mind in the sport and now has Will Muschamp running that terrible defense.  They're going to be very good.  Les Miles is always going to be insane but quality.  Sumlin, Mullen, and Freeze are trending upward.  But it's the Berts and the Butchs and the Jimmy Macs (and to a far lesser extent, the Dawgs and Cocks) that tell me that the SEC is going nowhere.  They will still be the big swinging dick with the loudest and drunkest fans.  I'm particularly intrigued by Tennessee.  That program has been a sleeping giant for a while now but they have some really, really interesting players coming back.

2014 will be a very memorable season for many here simply due to how it ended but outside of Jameis's wacky antics, it wasn't a very interesting year.  Oh sure, we finally got our playoff that came with plenty of controversy, but I can't say that this was an all-timer of a season.  The hottest team won at the end.  That's usually how sports works.  We will likely be taking some time off from college football here until around National Signing Day so get it all out of your system now.  And just remember that when the 2015 season kicks off, it will cum with 100% more BRAH!

***Also: let's all wish Grumpy good luck as he fell (LOL!) and broke his leg (not so much LOL) the other day and is having surgery this afternoon to fix it...need to get him one of those "fallen and I can't get up" things IMO.  You've got two months to heal up for Ribfest.***


Anonymous said...

This was one of the best college football seasons EVER, because it made THE Ohio State University be WORLD CHAMPIONS OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL....and solidify Urban Meyer as currently the best coach in da bizness.

Gus Malzahn just lost to Barry Alvarez...take his nuts out of yo mouf.

No mention of the fact that this season gave us the Gopher coach eating the ice cream bar in a snow storm?

The B1G should have two teams in the preseason top 5 next year...with one being #1...not too shabby.

The MSU comeback against Baylor was one of the more amazing comebacks I've ever seen.

Agree with you on Oregon. I like their new coach, but not sure he's the guy to push them over the top.

How good of a coach is Gary Patterson? I think he's a top 3 coach in college football...with URBZ and Nicky Sabs above him.

IMO...all three Heisman finalists next year will be Buckeyes. OSU QB, Elliott and Bosa.

Get well soon Grumpy! Give us a sign of life post-surgery.


Anonymous said...


That LeBron push of Blatt isn't a big deal IMO, but it's gonna get a lot of press. I do people here still think I'm stupid for thinking the Cavs won't sniff the NBA Finals? IF they make it to the ECF....they are gonna get rolled. They may even have a head coaching change by then.


Anonymous said...

Didn't UC win whatever conference they are in now?

Also, didn't the Big 10 just get done winning 3 huge games this bowl season? Yeah the chasm is so wide.


Anonymous said...

Disregard my comment about the Big 10. I misunderstood your comment about East and West. Thought you meant East coast and West coast teams, not Big 10 East and West. Apologies, sir.


GMoney said...


The Cavs are a mess. I agree that "the push" is nothing like when he bumped Spo. Kevin Love has been a monster disappointment. He isn't the only one to blame, but he is at the top. They don't run offensive plays. That tells me that they aren't listening to the coaches. And that ain't good.

Did you dump Urb when he got rocked by Dabo? No, so why would I hop off the Gus Bus after a bad matchup with the Badgers? Nailed it.

No one loves preseason polls more than Drew. NO ONE. He may love them more than recruiting.

I can't even name another school in the American so, good job, UC.

Man, I wish their was footage of Grump falling.

Mr. Ace said...

Damman so dumb. All those Campbell's pollutants.

The craziest comeback of the bowl season was Houston over Pitt. I know because I bet a fuckton of money on Pitt and watched it slip away as Houston scored 22 points in 4 minutes.

I still want to know what Toledo would have done had Ely not been lost for the year. We weren't losing more than 1 game.


G-PATT is pretty ELITE Drew. Now he has to hold Strong's Texas program back, though. G-Patt started building the TCU monster at the perfect time.

Feel better Grump! Hopefully SCIENCE heals you.

G$, I have a great idea for the prize that goes to the winner of the nfl playoff pick em thing.....NICKELBACK TICKETS!

Anonymous said...

The Cavs are bad... and much worse than expected while they "take some time to gel". The people saying that "its fine, as this happened in Miami as well" need to start panicking a little more.

All that being said... They did just trade for a few new guys last week, and Lebron has only been back for one game. Give it two more weeks and if they are still this bad, then Drew I wont think your statement will be as dumb as I once did.

Remember too that they are in the East. The East sucks. If the Cavs get hot in April, which is totally doable, they could go into the playoffs as the 6 seed and still win the whole thing with this roster.

They just have to figure out how the hell to play together with this group... as of right now, I dont know if they will - but Lebron knows how to win. He'll make it happen.


GMoney said...

I'm not giving them two more weeks, Seal. If they can't beat the Lakers tomorrow night then I'm going to kidnap Savannah and the kids.

A man that wears a visor is not ELITE. FACT.

Woke up this morning to a 63 degree house. FUCK YOU, FURNACE!

GMoney said...

I can't be the only one that has questioned the CFB HOF class. Have a take, bruh.

Prime99 said...

Get well soon, Grump! Never like to see a Money Shot Maniac on the DL.

I'm disappointed in STANFORD FOOTBALL but I also think they will get back to playing STANFORD FOOTBALL next year.

It is interesting how very good programs get a bum reputation after years of insane success without winning the title. Many programs would saw their own AD's dick off to have the success Oregon has had the last decade plus.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy broke his hip not his hands. Him not typing just shows that he is a me first glory boy. Left his lunch pail at home next to his midol imo.


Anonymous said...

Oh, and get well soon Grump!

The qualifications for the college HOF are pretty lax I think. Outlaws like Tress (lol) and The Boz have an easy time getting in.


Grumpy said...

G$ saw the x-ray and can't tell the difference between an arm and a leg. I have Timmy Tenor praying for me, so I'm good.

I thought The Boz was an odd choice. He was clearly a product of science.

Anybody else notice that Tressel was too good to wear the HOF jacket worn by all the other inductees?

GMoney said...

Whatever--you broke something that shouldn't be broken. Osteoporosis IMO.

Jeff said...

Nice pic.

Get well soon, Grump.

Cole Stoudt put a major black eye on an otherwise fantastic CFB season. I might as well give my get well wishes to Deshaun Watson also.

Anonymous said...

I'm not 100% on why you think this season was shitty. If it's some tongue and cheecheek way of cheapening the OSU VICTORY, then ok, but this was a great season.

The conference parity is the best it's been in a decade. The championship team had one of the best stories in history, all but reaffirming why people love the sport, and why college is TOTES superior to the NFL.

Big 12 needs to get their shit together. That commissioner shit the bed and embarrassed the conference. It worked out for the best obvz, but it was so laughable from an outside standpoint, that I'd be calling for his head.

OSU beat Michigan last night.

By all accounts, this was an amazing season from top to bottom. I don't think we will ever see another one like it in our lives. Love it or hate it, the Cardale narrative was unreal, and will be remembered for a really long time. Willie Beamen couldn't do what he did.


Anonymous said...

Ide...correct....the OSU three QB story is one for the ages and will never be replicated.

G$....If you were a Buckeye fan....who would you want to be the starter next year?

Ape and does Matta's nuts taste?


MUfan said...

I just read last week's post about RibFest. With it being 3/21, I might be able to make that.

It's not too creepy to travel 5 hours to meet up with some dudes you know on the internet, right? I guess I did meet G$ in person back in 2013 for about 10 minutes, but that's it.

T. Iceman said...

New blood at RibFest. Too bad I won't be there to see it. I was hoping RibFest would fall the same weekend as my brother's bachelor party but it doesn't.

Anonymous said...

I seem to remember bold claims coming out of Iceman's court saying he would definitely make it to RibFest, around the time he was moving. I bring this up because he chided me for not making it from New York. He should buy ribs imo.


GMoney said...

Ide, I think it was a pretty shitty season because there were no great teams and this year's draft is going to be below average. It's not a slight on the turd suckers at all but when your champion has the worst loss for a #1 team in the history of the sport, that's not a thumbs up for the season. Plus, outside of one weekend (the Katy Perry at Ole Miss weekend), there were a LOT of bad Saturdays. That's all.

Drew, I will never even hypothetically be an Ohio fan. That said, if you are asking me the best football decision, Jones is the starter and he doesn't even have to compete for the job. It's his now. And if the coach won't commit to it being his show, see ya bruh, I'm going to the NFL. Once you have a kid, you do what's best for her, not your football coach and teammates.

Tom Crean.

I would gladly trade Iceman and his cronies for MUFan and Burke (even if it means Ide, too).

Anonymous said...

Kid or no kid....Buckeye Nation comes first bruh.


T. Iceman said...

I'll buy ribs for Ide this year under the condition the cook be black and he rubs his dirty nuts all over the meat.

GMoney said...

I'd bet that that black rib cook uses a wash cloth.

Daniel said...

Is PJ Fleck a hot coaching commodity? He was a GA at tOSU while I was there and had no idea he was now a head coach somewhere.

GMoney said...

You betta believe he is. He's killing it at WMU. Year (two tops) away from getting a promotion.

Daniel said...

The greatness of tOSU knows no bounds

Here Come The Judge said...

Bob Stoops sucks? When you consistently beat your arch-rival (in this case Texas), they love you. When you eviscerate them, they erect statues to you. Bob Stoops beat Texas so bad, he forced Mack Brown to give not one, but two, famous "apology speeches." He won 7 out of 15 Big 12 Championship games. He derailed Nebraska into the backwater it is today (enjoy, B1G). There was a time, years ago, when winning your conference made for a pretty damn fine season. But now that only one team out of 120 has a "successful" year, people want to pile on this guy. And to say that more people should have been on the "Bob Stoops sucks bandwagon" years ago is ridiculous. He won a NC in dominating fashion, lost a close one to LSU, got creamed by USC (since vacated), and lost a close game to Florida. This guy sucks? If Oklahoma is so stupid as to take your advice and get rid of Stoops, I hope he accepts an opening at Indiana and starts smacking down both Ohio and Michigan. And he would do it, BRAH.