My departing gift to you all.
Today is the day. A day that will always be remembered much like the attack on Pearl Harbor, JKF's assassination, the Olson twins 18th birthday, Paris Hilton's sex tape release date and The Fappening. A day most of you have been waiting for since September 5th, 2011. Today I officially resign my Tuesday post at the MoneyShot. Don't all rush out and get me a retirement gift at once.
As much as all of you begged and pleaded G$ to fire me, know that this was 100% my choice and your demands always fell on deaf ears. Because all of you are dumb assholes. I've actually been thinking about this move for awhile now. Back when I obliterated the competition and ran away with this job, I promised myself that the minute doing this felt like work I would hang up my keyboard and walk away in my prime on my terms. That day has come. I'm just not into writing posts as I used to be. So for my last post here at the greatest corner of the Internet world, I will share my fondest memory of each commenter.
Dut - Giving you AIDS in the Jolly St. Prick post is the foundation of my legacy. It'll be hard to knock that out of the top 5 best things every written here and will most likely make my Hall of Fame speech.
Nibbles - How much your wife hates Ide. Real, true, passionate hate.
MUDawgFan - For the longest time I thought you and MUfan were the same person. Still kinda do. My favorite part about you is how you get so mad when I blast your teams even though deep down you kinda agree with everything I say about them.
MUfan - Gonna need that stalker story, bruh. No matter how embarrassing it may be.
Burke - Go get me a fucking sandwich. No onion. And step on it or your tip will suffer.
Damman - Making everyone buy into the fact that you only fuck fat chicks was a thing of beauty. Hopefully that legend will never die.
Seal - Your blind rage taught me that it's wise to always keep my blood pressure in check. Whenever I get frustrated with something I just take a couple deep breaths and say, "Don't be Seal. Don't be Seal.". Also, I realized that all Kentucky inbreds aren't complete weirdos the night I blacked out with you at that random bar in Dublin after RibFest.
Cakes - The evolution of Cakes and FUCK YOU CAKES were about the only worthwhile things that came from your comments. And you probably won't even read this because you randomly vanished like a fart in the wind.
Lacey - You made me despise Notre Dame more than I ever thought possible. Opened up hate doors I never knew existed after that bitch fest about a perfectly legit offensive PI call.
Jeff - You will go down as my last official COTY nomination. That's something you can and SHOULD put on your resume.
Prime - You gave me Chip Kelly interviews. I don't think I need to elaborate. You were also a valuable asset in the longest post in the history of this site. The Music Mock Draft - 90's Edition.
Ide - I will forever regret the day we met. It still haunts me some nights. But #IdeLies will be something I use forever. And paying for ribs from NYC was a pretty baller move even though you bitched out on the zombie run because your pussy had the sniffles.
Grumpy - If not for your misplaced Steeler bravado and betting with your white trash Appalachia heart, RibFest would have never been a thing. When you die in a few months from being 200 years old, I will make sure the tombstone properly represents your greatest life's work. RibFest. And not once did I ever clean the fucking attic.
Ace - You set the bar so incredibly low here with shit like May The Forcier Be With You, it was impossible for me to fail. And where would this website be without your porn post? Almost non existent, IMO.
And finally, G$ - The father of this site and the mind numbing ELITE debate. Born and bred from your wide ginger hips and massive birth canal. You gave me this thankless job 3 years ago for zero dollars. Suck Eli Manning's pecker. It was a great 3 year run and I'm grateful I had the chance to piss people off at an alarming rate. Now go sucker someone else into this terrible job.
So what is my fondest memory of myself, you ask?? ELITE question. After all these years I would say that my fondest memory of myself would be everything. But if I had to narrow it down and pick a Mona Lisa...that would have to be the creation of the BRAHs. That is what I'm most proud of. As far as the void I've left that will, no doubt, be impossible to fill...use today to express interest/apply for the job you'll never do as well as I did. For my final thoughts on my final post at the end of a first ballot Hall of Fame blogging career, I will leave you with my campaign slogan that won this election by a landslide back in 2011. "Gmoney/Iceman 2012. We're gonna titty fuck the world!" You're God damn right we did.