Tuesday, January 27, 2015

A Legend Retires Today.


My departing gift to you all.



Today is the day.  A day that will always be remembered much like the attack on Pearl Harbor, JKF's assassination, the Olson twins 18th birthday, Paris Hilton's sex tape release date and The Fappening.  A day most of you have been waiting for since September 5th, 2011.  Today I officially resign my Tuesday post at the MoneyShot.  Don't all rush out and get me a retirement gift at once.

As much as all of you begged and pleaded G$ to fire me, know that this was 100% my choice and your demands always fell on deaf ears.  Because all of you are dumb assholes.  I've actually been thinking about this move for awhile now.  Back when I obliterated the competition and ran away with this job, I promised myself that the minute doing this felt like work I would hang up my keyboard and walk away in my prime on my terms.  That day has come.  I'm just not into writing posts as I used to be.  So for my last post here at the greatest corner of the Internet world, I will share my fondest memory of each commenter.

Dut - Giving you AIDS in the Jolly St. Prick post is the foundation of my legacy.  It'll be hard to knock that out of the top 5 best things every written here and will most likely make my Hall of Fame speech.

Nibbles - How much your wife hates Ide.  Real, true, passionate hate.

MUDawgFan - For the longest time I thought you and MUfan were the same person.  Still kinda do.  My favorite part about you is how you get so mad when I blast your teams even though deep down you kinda agree with everything I say about them.

MUfan - Gonna need that stalker story, bruh.  No matter how embarrassing it may be.

Burke - Go get me a fucking sandwich.  No onion.  And step on it or your tip will suffer.

Damman - Making everyone buy into the fact that you only fuck fat chicks was a thing of beauty.  Hopefully that legend will never die.

Seal - Your blind rage taught me that it's wise to always keep my blood pressure in check.  Whenever I get frustrated with something I just take a couple deep breaths and say, "Don't be Seal.  Don't be Seal.".  Also, I realized that all Kentucky inbreds aren't complete weirdos the night I blacked out with you at that random bar in Dublin after RibFest.

Cakes - The evolution of Cakes and FUCK YOU CAKES were about the only worthwhile things that came from your comments.  And you probably won't even read this because you randomly vanished like a fart in the wind.

Lacey - You made me despise Notre Dame more than I ever thought possible.  Opened up hate doors I never knew existed after that bitch fest about a perfectly legit offensive PI call.

Jeff - You will go down as my last official COTY nomination.  That's something you can and SHOULD put on your resume.

Prime - You gave me Chip Kelly interviews.  I don't think I need to elaborate.  You were also a valuable asset in the longest post in the history of this site.  The Music Mock Draft - 90's Edition.

Ide - I will forever regret the day we met.  It still haunts me some nights.  But #IdeLies will be something I use forever.  And paying for ribs from NYC was a pretty baller move even though you bitched out on the zombie run because your pussy had the sniffles.

Grumpy - If not for your misplaced Steeler bravado and betting with your white trash Appalachia heart, RibFest would have never been a thing.  When you die in a few months from being 200 years old, I will make sure the tombstone properly represents your greatest life's work.  RibFest.  And not once did I ever clean the fucking attic.

Ace - You set the bar so incredibly low here with shit like May The Forcier Be With You, it was impossible for me to fail.  And where would this website be without your porn post?  Almost non existent, IMO.

And finally, G$ - The father of this site and the mind numbing ELITE debate.  Born and bred from your wide ginger hips and massive birth canal.  You gave me this thankless job 3 years ago for zero dollars.  Suck Eli Manning's pecker.  It was a great 3 year run and I'm grateful I had the chance to piss people off at an alarming rate.  Now go sucker someone else into this terrible job.

So what is my fondest memory of myself, you ask??  ELITE question.  After all these years I would say that my fondest memory of myself would be everything.  But if I had to narrow it down and pick a Mona Lisa...that would have to be the creation of the BRAHs.  That is what I'm most proud of.  As far as the void I've left that will, no doubt, be impossible to fill...use today to express interest/apply for the job you'll never do as well as I did.  For my final thoughts on my final post at the end of a first ballot Hall of Fame blogging career, I will leave you with my campaign slogan that won this election by a landslide back in 2011.  "Gmoney/Iceman 2012.  We're gonna titty fuck the world!"  You're God damn right we did.

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

It pleases me greatly that you have no fond memories of me. It's also obvious that #7or8wins ended your dreadful time as the Tuesday writer....as it should have. Congrats on having something in common with Bert Bielema and Gary Anderson.....Urban Meyer made your ass quit.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Tuesday TAEKS will never be the same. RIP.

Jeff said...

You would quit before you have to start sucking off MY CAVS on Nba Tuesday. Here's to hoping you make florida headlines for a rumpilmintz rampage with your free time.

Grumpy said...

In other words, management forced you out.

GMoney said...

YOU SONOFABITCH! HOW DARE YOU! JUST BECAUSE YOU GET PWNED ON A DAILY BASIS BY THE SUPERIOR TAKESMITHS ASSEMBLED HERE YOU GAY-WALK AWAY? NOT ON MY WATCH (which is my phone because who still wears a watch?)!

You will come crawling back to me just like that fucking Thursday bitch did. They all do.

Job well done to ignore Drew though.

Anonymous said...

Wait, no love for anonymous?

Anonymous said...

This is better than fucking his mother and every other woman that he knows. I gave them bulletpoints of my nut juice, bitch.

--YOUR BIGGEST STAN

Anonymous said...

Who is Iceman?

Anonymous said...

G$...You'll experience the joy of something like this when T-Bone is removed.

Let's face it....the big winner today is Grumpy. The man has only so many Tuesdays left....I legitimately felt bad for him that he was using a portion of those Tuesdays reading this swill. Congrats Grumps!

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

There are big shoes and an even bigger jock to fill on Tuesdays. I can't think of a single person that has the cock size for this gig. It would probably make the most sense to just go dark on Tuesdays so we can always have a moment of silence to remember the greatness I brought every Tuesday.

Good thing you gave up on this shitty Cavs team so early, Jeff. There's no way a collection of studs was ever going to learn how to play together. LOL.

Anonymous said...

No love for Drooler? Was that on purpose?

I will miss your Tuesday NBA posts that piss Grumpy and Cakes off.

Seal

Prime99 said...

Tuesdays won't be the same and it will be a loss for the site. Iceman's job was to piss people off, and I think that was a huge success.

Holy shit that 90's music draft was loooooooonnnnggg! My team of bands was more ELITE.

Jeff said...

"There's no way a collection of studs was ever going to learn how to play together. LOL."

That was your opinion of the OSU football team, right?!? LOFLZ

GMoney said...

It does make sense that the college football beat writer would commit blogging suicide once Ohio Buckeyes became paper champions. We shall bury him on Champions Lane...or at least throw his corpse into the Olentangy.

Anonymous said...

Jeff.....LOLZZZZZZZZ! You win the day.

G$....I will not let Iceman's corpse filth up the great Olentangy.

--Drew

GMoney said...

There's no way a collection of studs was ever going to learn how to play together. LOL.

IT'S WORKED OUT WELL HERE, RIGHT, BRUHS? HIGH FIVE!

Anonymous said...

Michigan trying to flip numerous old Pelini/Nebraska commits is already the LOLZ....but, the fact that one of them threw the Michigan coaches out of his house last night for being insulting is all the LOLZ. Harbaugh is straight killing it on the recruiting trail.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

Yeah Jeff. Those are totally comparable. LOL. Remind me again...at the time VTech raped Ohio at home, which one of those Buckeyes was LeBron James? And I bet you totally knew Barrett was going to be that good this year. Nice try.

T. Iceman said...

The MoneyShot big 3 > any other big 3. If we are the Heat that made 4 straight conference finals...Ace is totally Chris Bosh.

Anonymous said...

Urban Meyer was our LeBron James.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Wow

Ide

GMoney said...

No offense but you would be Wade due to your easy access to a wheelchair.

Anonymous said...

Iceman is more like Mario chalmers than any member of the heat big three.

Lacey

Anonymous said...

Lacey... I'd say he's more like Chris Anderson due to being the most likely to be found in the middle of a pedophilia scandal.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Drew, I saw that crootin story. I can't believe Mattison would say anything offensive. Sounded like they said Michigan has better academics and Michigan also makes exceptions academically for athletes. Apparently this kid doesn't have the best grades. Oh well. I guess we'll just have to deal with stealing a top QB recruit from Charlie Skrong and going hard after some West Coast kids...we'll get at least one of them.

I will miss Iceman hate on Tuesdays. I know that made my Thursday posts feel like Hunter S Thompson level material.

I think Ice as Chalmers is a good taek. Overinflated since of 3 point shooting ability sounds about right.

T. Iceman said...

Lol Ide. Perfect Cakes execution. Sad to see the snow hasn't killed you yet.

MUfan said...

Iceman - your commentating will be missed.

I will tell my story at some point, but you're right - it is embarrassing.

Ironically, I have met MUDawgFan before in person. I think it was the 2010 Frozen Four.

MUfan said...

And what is up with Cakes? Is on some sort of self-imposed silence?

T. Iceman said...

Cakes has probably been out frantically searching for Urban Meyer porn. It's the only thing that can get him hard anymore. I'll still be commenting MUfan. I'm just done feeding you animals subject matter.

Anonymous said...

What's this I'm hearing about no more moneyshot?

-JSaul

GMoney said...

I am unaware of JSaul's claim. Reveal your source, Peter King!

MUfan said...

Okay, good to hear Ice. I figured you'd still be in the comments section and just not posting new content, but I wasn't sure.

Anonymous said...

I'll blow you if you can guarantee it never happens.

-JSaul

Anonymous said...

These guys are imposters, ignore everything they are saying.




I'm a flaming homo


-The REAL JSaul

Anonymous said...

The blizzard missed us at the last minute. Only 6-8 inches. Heh heh. Oh well, still off work.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Next Tuesday should be MUFan's story.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

The real JSaul seems pretty legit.

GMoney said...

There are already too many Sauls in this world. I can't handle fake ones, too.

Prime99 said...

There's only one Saul imo, and he's my lawyer.

T. Iceman said...

Too many Sauls. Isn't that the fucking truth. Aren't there enough for a God Damn football team? It's like their parents thought they needed to repopulate the earth.

T. Iceman said...

Ape, you beautiful son of a bitch. Putting Daniel in a relationship with himself is LOLing me so hard right now.

GMoney said...

The Icemen should not throw stones at the Sauls.

T. Iceman said...

Sounds like this big NYC snowstorm was nothing but a limp dick. #IdeLies is rubbing off on the entire state.

Mr. Ace said...

Drew, I saw that crootin story. I can't believe Mattison would say anything offensive. Sounded like they said Michigan has better academics and Michigan also makes exceptions academically for athletes. Apparently this kid doesn't have the best grades. Oh well. I guess we'll just have to deal with stealing a top QB recruit from Charlie Skrong and going hard after some West Coast kids...we'll get at least one of them.

I will miss Iceman hate on Tuesdays. I know that made my Thursday posts feel like Hunter S Thompson level material.

I think Ice as Chalmers is a good taek. Overinflated since of 3 point shooting ability sounds about right.

Mr. Ace said...

Tuesday TAEKS will never be the same. RIP.