Wednesday, November 26, 2014

They Call It THE GAYME

YOU PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING STUPID
Here we go again.  This game has so little juice behind it this year that I didn't even ask Ohio and Michigan fan to contribute to today's post in which they spew hate all over each others genitals.  Literally, no one outside of Fuckeye Nation gives a shit about this "rivalry" anymore.  It's as dead as Korey Stringer, bruh.  Blame whoever you want to for that but a FACT is a FACT.  And can we stop playing this game at noon.  Fuck tradition...everyone spends the entire season in agreement that noon games are JV.  There is almost no reason to turn a Saturday football game on until 3:30 at the earliest.  But I digress.

So in lieu of focused hate, I figured that I would provide equal opportunity hate.  Why hate one when you can loathe all?  I'm not even going to focus on the teams themselves because who cares.  Let's talk about the fans.

OHIO - I don't even know where to begin.  I thought that Dawg nailed it a few weeks back when he called you the most overly-sensitive fans in the world.  That's a perfect way to describe you.  You're the kind of people who yell at the TV.  Not at the games themselves (well, that too) but at the analysts and studio heads and remember how you want to watch Kirk Herbstreit die because he does his job instead of blowing his alma mater?  You hate Desmond Howard because he hardly ever says anything negative about Michigan but you demand that Herbie do the exact same thing.  Does not go both ways.  Anyway, it is because of you and how dumb you are that Mark May has a career still.  Considering that you aren't smart enough to understand such an obvious troll job, I'm going to guess that this is news to you.

Does any other fanbase love to ruin internet memes quicker than this one?  How about some pointless statistics (JT Barrett has sniffed and licked 43 of his teammate's jocks this season while Michigan's entire team has only done it 38 times!)?  WE GOT YOU COVERED ONE MILLION FOLD!  And let's address the Big Ohio-sized Pat Fenis in the room...that being "Ohio".  The soon-to-be free agent coach just absolutely killed it on this one.  It's a damn shame that his coaching record couldn't match his troll genius.  Was it middle school level chicanery?  Of course!  But anything that can still bother people four years later despite pathetic denials is ELITE.  And what was their response to get you back?  Calling you The Team Up North which is not even remotely an insult.  Not saying your name because apparently if you say Michigan three times it will summon Beetlejuice from the netherworld and humanity will die.  And then you spend a ridiculous amount of time and energy removing the letter M from campus this week.  THIS.  IS.  SO.  DUMB.  These are kindergarten-level "pranks" or whatever that only showcase how petty and unoriginal you are.  Removing the UM from "OHIO STADIUM" (there's that word Ohio again)?  Congrats, now you play inside a Waffle House where half the letters in the sign are burned out.  Hey Dan, did you have fun at THE GAME?  BEST DAMN STADI I'VE EVER BEEN TO!

Also, your biggest and most well known fan is the black cowboy and he is the worst human being on the planet.  And marching bands are for fucking losers.

YOU OFF - Jesus fucking Christ, have some pride.  Yes, I get it.  You are strug-gah-ling (Joe Namath voice) but you're goddamn MICHIGAN.  That name may not mean a hill of beans now (but this is OUR hill and these are OUR beans!) but it still carries a sense of integrity and pride.  I know that you are tired of talking about history but that IS WHO YOU ARE.  Would you rather talk about the criminal records of your players?  This isn't easy.  But it is the horrendous seasons like this that you suffer through that will make the rebound that much better.  If being a fan was supposed to be easy then you would strap on the scarlet and red like JSaul and do a goddamn O-H chant on Champions Lane. 

I'm always told that you can throw the records out in this rivalry.  OK, prove it.  Anything can happen.  Jalin Marshall is capable of fumbling every time he touches the ball (probably due to too much Soul Glo on his hands).  You still have a really good defense.  Gardner proved last year that he can dig deep and come up with an ELITE performance.  Don't give up.  Quit feeling sorry for yourselves.  You have a chance to actually make this season a SUCCESS by winning on Saturday.  Sure, getting a Motor City Bowl invite is hilarious, but it's better than not going anywhere at all.  Trust me, the team could use the extra practice time.  Plus, it is a chance to RUIN Ohio's season and isn't that all that really matters.

No one feels sorry for you.  Why?  Because this shit is cyclical.  There will come a time when you get back on top and are annoying as well and nobody wants that.  But if you are going to bail when the shit gets tough then nobody will listen to your lunatic ravings regarding your greatness when it comes full circle.  Don't be fair weather fans.  Show some motherfucking pride and shock the world, you fucking crybaby losers.

Whew, that felt good...DAMN GOOD.  Those are some of the strongest takes this site has seen in a coon's age.  As for my prediction, Ohio is a three touchdown favorite and the only question is whether or not they cover.  I'd give Michigan about a 2% chance of winning outright.  However, they really dropped the ball by not announcing that Hoke was gone this week.  They really should have said that this was his last game just to give the team a chance.  It worked once when Lloyd Carr "retired" and then he killed Urban Meyer and the Tens in the Gaping Anus Bowl.  There is no reason to think that it couldn't happen again.  Had they done that, I would have put their odds of winning at about 15%.  Firing a bro ALWAYS helps motivate those that contributed to his firing.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (10-6!): Northern Illinois +7 @ Western Michigan...two of my favorite ATS teams this year doing battle on Friday morning for the West crown.  That number is too high.  WMU is young, dumb, and full of cum but the Huskies have enough veteran moxie to make this a field goal game.

Saturday also marks Damman's last time out in Columbus before moving back to Walt Behrman's sex dungeon.  So if you have a chance to wish him well and buy G$ a beer or shot, I'm sure that he would appreciate both very much.  BOTH TEAMS LOSE PLEASE.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

College Football Week 13


Even Lebron hates the Buckeyes.



Woof.  What a boring slate of game this week.  I love all the fuckin dweebs and wieners out there pretending to give a shit about Yale vs. Harvard.  You don't care.  These are probably the same assholes that think Army vs. Navy is a must see game.  Stop pretending to care about boring football played by shitty teams.  The only thing worth mentioning is Harvard's FG kicker wears glasses under his helmet like a fuckin poindexter.


LOL

I would think that a smart guy like that would understand how contacts work.  Unless he's doing his best to never get laid in the sport with the highest pussy success rate.  Anyway...here's what happened outside of nerd football.

Michigan vs. Maryland

This game was about as exciting as a rusty nail up the dick hole.  This Michigan team is so fucking bad.  If Hoke somehow pulls off the scam of the century and keeps this job, I will arson the entire state of Michigan.  In all honesty, there's no way he's back.  Hoke just lost his 7th recruit from the 2015 class over the weekend.  HE GONE.  With this amazing loss to Maryland, Michigan now needs to beat Ohio to be bowl eligible.  The LOL Bowl.  Tell ya what...I am not going to miss Devin Gardner 8-15 yard sacks while he foolishly tries to make something out of nothing.  I've never seen a quarterback effectively play a wide receiver out of the first round of the NFL draft but Gardner may have pulled that off this year.  Maybe Funchess comes back because of Gardner's level of suck.  Maybe there is one silver lining of Gardner being a total fart in a greenhouse on a 120 degree day in Arizona.

Ohio vs. Indiana

LOL.  Watching Fuckeye fans sweat for four quarters was a beautiful thing.  Nice "style" win at home over the worst team in the Big 10, losers.  Lesbihonest...Indiana was never a real threat to win this game.  But they DID accomplish what every Ohio hater in the country was praying for.  They kept it close enough, long enough to make every last panel member question Ohio as a playoff option.  I'll say again...I don't know how a loss at home vs. Virginia Tech, and close wins against two bad Big 10 teams makes someone a National Title contender.  If the committee is consistent, Ohio should fall slightly in the rankings this week prompting a Grade A bitch fest from a "woe is me" Cakes.

Louisville vs. Notre Dame

LOLOLOL!  Don't be surprised if someone finds the corpse of Kyle Brindza floating in a shallow ditch somewhere next week.  Serves him right for wearing those fucking nut hugger, above the knee jersey pants.  I loved the sideline shot after the missed FG of Brindza blaming the holder for him fucking up a chip shot.  A shitty kicker who can't take accountability for his own shittiness.  Sounds like a guy I want on my team!  Someone should pepper this cock waste's locker with Ray Finkle garb post haste.  Notre Dame losses are like eating your favorite ice cream out of a virgin's pussy and afterwards someone handing you a brief case with a million in cash.  Fuck Larry in his stupid fucking ass.

Ole Miss vs. Arkansas

Looks like Ole Miss's dream season is officially over.  I really thought this team might be the best in the SEC a few weeks back.  But that was before Laquan Treadwell exploded everything below his knee.  I also forgot about the Eli Manning stench fog that looms over that program.  Big factor in their collapse that cannot be ignored.

Oklahoma vs. Kansas

I hope Melvin Gordon wasn't too attached to that single game NCAA rushing record because...IT GONE!  It's now the property of true freshman Samaje Perine from Oklahoma after Gordon held it for only a week.  Kinda feel bad for the little guy...

Boston College vs. Florida State

Is there any doubt that Jimbo Fisher has made a blood pact with the Devil?  I guess the only thing I have to look forward to is Lucifer using Fisher's tender anus as his own personal jiz hole for eternity when he dies.  This has got to be the most unimpressive undefeated team since the 2002 Ohio Buckeyes.  Someone is going to beat these criminals before the 4 team playoff has been finalized.

Well.  We have arrived at Michigan/Ohio week.  OBVZ the Fuckeyes are going to be huge favorites in this one and I am fully expecting to get blown out.  But crazier shit has happened so I will continue to hold onto a glimmer of hope that we can shock the fucking world.  I'll be making my very first trip to Columbus for this game in a decision I'm sure I will fully regret.  Fuck Ohio.



Fucking pussies.

Monday, November 24, 2014

The Worst of Week Twelve Vol.VIII

Whatever.
Remember how we talked about dysfunctional shit-stack franchises on Friday which was headlined by the constant idiocy of the Washington Redskins?  Well, they topped themselves yesterday morning when someone within the organization let it leak that they were prepared to bench RG3 if he struggled again.  Name one other team that publicly announces an ultimatum...I'll wait.  That's because no one else does this.  Everyone is already well aware of what is on the line the rest of the season.  Continuing to run your business poorly is quite unnecessary.  Change the name.  Move the team to LA or London.  Bomb the stadium.  Do whatever it takes.  Now I have seen the light...the Washington Redskins are the most dysfunctional franchise ever.  Sorry that it took me so long to see the light.  I don't think that I've ever hated something that I love (other than She$ obvz) more than I do the 2014 Redskins.  FUCK.  THEM.

Yesterday's hangover - I got bombed beyond recognition in support of child abuse or something.  It was the first time that the wife and I had been out socially since the baby.  Man, it is fun to drink a lot.  It is NOT FUN to deal with the consequences.  Sorry toilet.

Jonas Gray - You idiot...Belichick just loves to wipe his dick all over flash in the pan guys.  Oh sure, you got your SI cover this week.  How's zero meaningful touches sound as a follow-up.  My guess is that Billy B has no sense of humor at all but he probably would have enjoyed a Jean-Paul Jean-Paul excuse for being late.  SEPARATE KNOB, WHY, SEPARATE KNOB!  And fuck LeGarrette Blount.  That piece of shit doesn't deserve anything but a prison cell.  The Lions didn't find the end zone for the second week in a row.  That should end A LOT on Thursday.

TY Hilton - Oh, thanks, jerk.  You scored a touchdown for your baby girl on the day that she was born.  Adorbs!  Well, fuck you, bruh.  Way to make the rest of us look like SHIT.  You know what I did for my baby girl on the day of her birth?  Called her by the dog's name twice.  I scored no touchdowns.  Hilton is an asshole.

Brian Hoyer - I know that a win is a win and I subscribe to that theory very frequently.  BUT, if Hoyer wasn't fucking abysmal all day against a god awful defense then there is no need for a last second drive.  Speaking of which...

Mike Smith - This guy is a horrible coach.  His play-calling in the two minute and weirdo usage of timeouts were THEE reason why Atlanta lost a game that the opposing QB was just dying for them to take.  Let's also not forget about Mike Pettine who equally does not understand the proper way to use timeouts.  This was not a game in which someone won.  No, this was a game where a team lost less.  Josh Gordon looked legit though.  Loved the Browns saying 20-30 plays as if everyone was fucktarded and would believe that.

Aaron Rodgers - Hey, the Pack look great but when Teddy Bridgewater's rotten ass has more passing yards than you do then you will be getting called out here for that.

PHI/TEN and HOU/CIN - Don't care.  All of these teams either suck FagNasty or are pretenders.

Lovie and McCown - Way to unleash some vengeance on the shitdicks that dumped you.  I think that Tampa turned the ball over again and Lovie did something classy.  I assume that Prime or Larry watched this poop.  Did Lovie lose a challenge like the old days?

Bruce Arians - Nothing worked at all and that was bound to happen and in the grand scheme of things, it isn't that big of a deal.  BUT, Arizona looked really shitty.

Keenan Allen - You could make a case that the second year receiver is the most disappointing player in 2014.  Sure, he scored yesterday but he also had two killer fumbles.  And the refs absolutely fist-fucked the Rams on that PR TD.  There wasn't anything close to a hold on that play.  Who care though because fuck the Rams.  I'm not going to be on Team Gregg Williams ever.

The Miami Dolphins - These guys aren't going to make the playoffs and it's a damn shame because IMO they are the third best team in the AFC.  They've lost a few killers this year but I truly believe that they would go into Indy and win a playoff game.  A valiant effort in Denver indeed and they probably would have won if they figured out that the Broncos only play is the Demaryius Thomas WR screen.

Colin Kaepernick - Yeah, the Redskins lost again and barely did anything but while the world is focused on the QB drama in DC, it might be time to stir some up in SF.  Kaep blows.  He isn't good, like, at all.  As far as the Skins go, I barely paid attention and it felt great to invest so little time in that team.

HOLY SHIT ODB! - I'm writing this up pretty much right when Beckham made the catch of the goddamn forever.  That dude is so sick.  Just a reminder that the Lions took a garbage TE over this stud (taking it easy on the Browns this week).

FANTASY! - Well, my OTHER LEAGUE is over and I have pretty much clinched last place for the second year in a row.  SWEET!  Burke and Burke alone eliminated me from LFL playoff consideration although it would have been tough anyway.  That's fine because my G$FL and MSFL teams rolled and one of those teams is going to win a title this year.  DEAL WITH IT.

We've got two Monday Night games tonight although I'm not sure if the BUF/NYJ game is televised nationally.  I hope it is because I want to watch Sammy Watkins PWN that disgusting secondary indoors.  The other game should be fun, too.  You know what isn't fun?  Baby germs.  They are the worst. Your baby is secretly trying to kill you at all times.  That is a FACT.  I was hungover, fighting baby lupus germs, and ran 3 miles in the rain anyway.  This was pretty much my Michael Jordan Flu Game moment.  FYI, we will be dark Thursday and Friday so no Ape this week.  YOU'RE WELCOME!

Friday, November 21, 2014

G$ Ranks Dysfunction

How's my new Death Star coming, Darth?
Have you been following this week's drama/diarrhea surrounding my Warrrrrrshington Redskins?  Hoo boy, it's been a real blast.  You see, there is a big difference between rooting for a shitty team and rooting for the shitty team in DC.  If you're just a Bills fan or whoever, they just lose and they do it quietly.  But if you are a Redskin, you don't just get embarrassed every week.  Oh no, it is a rule that you stab your teammates/coaches/anyone else in the back for the rest of the week, too.  The losses are only a small part of the shitshow that defines Redskins Football.  I come for the horrible defeats to bad teams but I stay for the media barbs, excuses, and unnecessary blame game. 

I thought that I would end the week with a list.  IMO there are 8 distinct professional franchises in the big four sports that truly embrace dysfunction.  Anyone can lose.  It takes something special to be a door mat AND make your loyal fans want to pull the old Jovan Belcher.  That's who we're going to celebrate today...the Worst of the Worst.  You might be surprised to not see the Dallas Cowboys on this list.  They probably should be due to horrible mismanagement but whatever.  Here's my list:

8. Los Angeles Dodgers - You probably didn't expect to see them here but I think that this is a terribly run organization (although that will likely change soon with that Rays guy coming aboard).  They don't do anything except throw more money at their problems.  Somehow, they have a MUCH higher payroll than the Yankees do but with barely any results to justify the money spent.

7. Toronto Maple Leafs - These are pretty much the Dodgers on Ice.  They will give gigantic contracts to average at best players and haven't won anything in a billion years.  It's funny because they have really loyal and overly sensitive fans who think that they are the league's signature franchise.  Nope, the Leafs are the Maple LOLZ.

6. Philadelphia Phillies - They refuse to rebuild even though everyone has known that they needed to be stripped to the core years ago.  Even now, rumors are flying that everyone is finally available but the asking prices for Lee, Hamels, Rollins, Byrd, Howard, etc. are through the goddamn roof.

5. Washington Redskins - The owner is a fucking imbecile.  The GM Bruce Allen is a dolt who got this job via nepotism.  We have the inferior Gruden coaching who is WAY too honest to the media and then always has to apologize for said honesty.  Jim Haslett is apparently unfireable even though he is the worst.  The QB blames everyone, can't stay healthy, and loses the locker room a little more every day.  The Redskins currently have a top ten offense AND a top ten defense and are 3-7.  THIS.  TEAM.  SUCKS.

4. Los Angeles Lakers - When you are paying an 80 year old Kobe Bryant 25 million dollars and have Byron Scott as the head coach, you are a rotten organization.  Jerry Buss's son has all the makings of a Simple Jack reincarnated.

3. Oakland Raiders - You knew these guys were showing up today.  No Coach.  A GM who will be getting fired.  A Heisman winning QB that probably isn't the answer.  They have a terrific young LB and that is about it.  This team has somehow drafted worse than the Redskins.  I didn't think that that was possible.

2. Philadelphia 76ers - They tell their fans that they are trying to win.  Somehow they do this with a straight face.  This team could easily go 5-77 this year.  And for what?  They are now on their second straight tank season and the NBA just made it harder for the worst team to win the lottery (even then, the worst team hardly ever gets the #1 pick).  They keep spending high picks on injured big men.  The people who decided that this was the right path will be fired long before this strategy shows any promise.  I feel awful for those fans.

1. New York Jets - Without question, the Jets are the most dysfunctional franchise in sports.  Their soon to be fired head coach once had a sex scandal with his wife's feet.  How this is possible I will never know.  The owner's lesbo daughter committed suicide before.  They haven't had a decent QB in 40 years.  Fireman Ed can get fucked so hard.  Their fans only exist to yell "SHOW YOUR TITS" at football games and to boo whoever they draft even if the player is good.  They are a little brother in a stadium that they have to share.  LOL Plaxico Burress.

I'm sure that there will be some blow back (Sons of Anarchy term!) for not having the Redskins at #1.  I get that.  But I do believe that there are 4 franchises right now being run worse than my own or at least more embarrassingly.  One thing is certain, RG3 better get his shit together these last six weeks.  I don't know what the future holds for him, but he is beginning to lose any and all defenders in DC (including me).  See you on Monday.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Open Forum: I Had an Interview

She seems friendly
I had an interview yesterday after work that I didn't think was going to come about so quickly. But it did, and lasted forever, and it's late now and I don't feel like putting forth a bunch of effort for you neanderthals.

I'll talk a little bit about my opportunity to get away from the anus of our society, but I thought that interviews were an interesting open forum subject that we have never discussed here. So what was your worst interview? What was your best? Like did you ever have an "AHA moment" during an interview where you just knew your answer was fucking brilliant? I had one of those last night and it was great. And maybe Damman will explain the never ending gravitational pull that Naptown has over former residents.

My worst interview ever had to be right after I graduated from Toledo and was still looking for employment in the city. I applied to some Cardinal Health position...I'm sure it was some sort of case worker. But my interview was in the hood and I lied my ass off on my application because it was a last ditch effort to not move back in with my parents.

The biggest lie I told on this application was that I was fluent in Spanish. Now at the time of graduating I could grasp some Spanish. I took it for 3 years in high school, and another 3 semesters in college, but I was far from fluent. So the first part of the interview went fine. I had some pretty solid internship experiences in undergrad and a couple letters of recommendation from experienced professors, one of which was a Johns Hopkins grad and allowed me to do quite a bit of research for her. Talking about those experiences seemed to resonate with the lady interviewing me. Then about halfway through this little spanish conquistador comes walking through and I am informed that the next part of the interview will be conducted in Spanish and talk about the clients I will be serving in the neighborhood, with the majority being Latino. Oh man, I put up a good fight. Every word started with either "Yo tengo" or "Yo no tengo" and then just went to hell with a bunch of spanglish mixed together. She was a good sport about it, though. She didn't just out me and tell me to get the fuck out. She just smiled as a stumbled through all this bullshit and then politely told me they would call me if I was chosen. Surprise! Yo no tengo trabajo!

That's the only interview that I know I bombed. I'm sure there are several people out there who had the pleasure of interviewing me who disagree.

As far as my newest opportunity goes, it is a welcome relief compared to what I typically have to deal with. I spent my work day before the interview being in restraints for a combined 2 hours. That's two hours of having to physically control elementary school students. And one of those hours was spent with kid who came to our school for the first time today! He went an impressive 3 hours before finally giving up. He also had incredible placement of his heel strikes. George St. Pierre would be proud.

 I'll still be working with people in need of mental health assistance, but these people will already be gainfully employed and not in need of basic needs like housing, transportation, food or crack. So we'll see where this goes. My facebook posts/ work stories will be much less interesting if something does come of this. I will also have less bruises and spit on me. A tough decision will need to be made.

Other ideas for conversation:
- The Spurs probably dominated the Cavs at the Q last night. CHAMPIONSHIP! Cavs announcers are fucking awful. Pop's still the greatest. (HAAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. #ANTI-CLUTCH)
- The Rockets probably dominated the FaLOLcons last night and protested the GLASS BOWL. CHAMPIONSHIP! #MACtion
- The NFL and Roger Goodell are handling the Adrian Peterson situation...however the fuck they want.
- The CFB Playoff committee's rankings look exactly how they should; Bama, Oregon, FSU, and Miss St. in the top 4. The Buttguys are dependent on other teams losing, but odds are they will get their shot if they win out. I really hope that doesn't happen.
OK. Comment.
- Dog stories are always welcome, too.
- Best Mexican dish: A. Taco B. Enchilada. C. Quesadilla D. Burrito E. Chimichanga. DEBATE.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Open Forum: Your Preferred Coaching Job

LOL Coach Lambeau Fields
I've made it pretty clear here over the years that I am one of football's finest minds (to go along with every other sport obvz) and thus I know when someone sucks and needs to go.  I LOVE the season for firing coaches.  There are very few feelings better than getting rid of a shithead and trying to figure out who the knew guy will be.  So far this college football season, we've already gotten rid of Charlie Weis and Will Muschamp this year (as well as June Jones but fuck him).  That simply isn't enough.  I think that the writing is on the wall for The Hokester, Tim Beckman, and Mike Locksley at Virginia though.  Other than that, in the Power 5 conferences, I just don't see many firings come down the line.  I feel cheated.

Now, if these schools weren't pussies and buttfucking the status quo forever, Steve Spurrier, Pat Fitzgerald, Mike Leach, and Kirk Ferentz would also be gone because at some point, you have to move on.  And it isn't going to be the coach.  If they are not living up to expectations, then wipe your ass with their past.  Get out.  I'm especially talking about Spurrier who has barely worked at all since moving to Columbia.

Anyway, I want to spend today acting like a big shot up and coming coach who has offers at all five of those open (or soon to be) jobs.  I have not paid my dues at all.  I just walked in to practice at ELITE University four years ago with a whistle, clipboard, skin tight short coaching shorts, a boner for up-downs, and a plan to win.  And boy did I.  My teams run the pro style offense to perfection while destroying the opposition with punt block on every play.  Most are envious of my successes at ELITE U but there are still some skeptics.  I've got offers on my ribs table from Kansas, Illinois, Virginia, Michigan, and Florida.  Which one is best for Commander G$ (shedding the Coach label for one with more respect)?

Kansas
PRO: Absolutely no shoes to fill...I am immediately the best coach in school history...no expectations whatsoever...less fat than 2 of the three previous coaches and way less black than the other one...KUBoobs
CON: It's fucking Kansas...it will always be a basketball school...I assume that there is no talent

Illinois
PRO: Play in terrible conference...Midwest is a fertile recruiting territory...good history for the program...also very small shoes to fill...outstanding fight song
CON: Middle of nowhere...awful stadium...long considered a dead end job

Virginia
PRO: None...uh, I bet the schools are good maybe
CON: Everything else...extremely high STATE TAX...this program has been irrelevant forever

Michigan
PRO: Replacing an idiot...I'm told that there is talent...very rich history that every fan will remind you of even if you didn't ask...good facilities...garbage conference allows for quick turnaround
CON: Most of the good players are in jail...idiotic fanbase and boosters who have openly rooted against the last two coaches for the most part...absolutely zero juice in the program...no QB...unrealistic expectations

Florida
PRO: SEC SEC SEC...if I'm the best (and I am), prove it here...NO STATE TAX...unlimited recruiting resources...savage defense already in place...no shoes to fill...Tebow's speech plaque
CON: Iceman season ticket holder...no QB...ridiculous expectations of national titles immediately...insane competition...might have to work hard to best ELITE coaching in the conference

VERDICT!  We can eliminate Kansas and Virginia ASAP.  No way is the Commander from ELITE U taking a step down to go there.  I'm also going to pass on Florida due to not wanting to work that hard and the Iceman Factor.  That leaves Michigan and Illinois.  Either one of these shitbag schools is paying me 5 million a year no matter what. ELITE don't come cheap.  I like a challenge but I hate being second-guessed and criticized by assholes which means I'm going to partner up with Chief Illiniwek.  Look, Champaign has been a place for decent coaches to die for decades now but I actually think it is a good job if they would ever hire the right Commander.  With a little elbow grease, you should OWN the area from Chicago to Indy to Nashville to St. Louis.  That's a pretty big area to mine for players with little in the way of competition (fuck you, Notre Dame).  I know that my superior intellect and schemes will win most games but you need talent to win them all.  I'll get that easily once I institute a brilliant system of booster handouts that would make Jimbo Fisher blush.

So there you have it: Commander G$ is taking over the Illinois Football Program not because it is the best job, but because it is the best fit with the largest room for growth and the lowest amount of knuckle-dragging mouth-breather fans.  And if it doesn't work out, fuck it, I'm still way more ELITE than you.  Do you agree with my pros and cons?  Would you take a different job in the scenario played out in front of you?  How OVERRATED would your team be?  Discuss.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

College Football Week 12


"I make jersey pant shorts look gooooooood."



Holy fucking hell.  I don't get sick often but when I do...it destroys my life for a solid week.  I can't remember the last time I was this ill from something non booze related.  If I had to guess, I would say this is what dying feels like.  By Friday I was cutting out the middle man and dumping my meals directly into the toilet.  Not fun at all.  Hopefully today all is status quo inside my body.  Michigan was on a bye this week but Frank Clark made sure the Wolverines didn't stay out of the spotlight for long.  Clark was jailed over the weekend for probably allegedly beating the piss out of a woman.  But at the end of the day you really can't blame Clark for his actions.  Playing for Ted Ginn Sr. would turn almost anyone into a violent, laptop stealing, woman beater.  UPDATE:  HE GONE!  Frank Clark dismissed from the football team.  Good to see the program do the right thing.  Nice life, thug.  Enjoy prison.  Let's get to it.

Dancing Coaches

This is quickly becoming one of those annoying Internet trends.  Have some fucking self respect and stop awkwardly thrusting your crusty body around in clumsy white man convulsions.  It doesn't make you sweet or help you identify with your players.  It makes you a schmuck and a joke.  GIVE IT A REST!

Clemson vs. Georgia Tech

Commenter Jeff loves him some Cole Stoudt!  Stoudt looked TOTES prepared to play Saturday after DeShaun Watson was hurt...again.  DeShaun TWATson is more like it, amiright??  I saw on Twitter Stoudt had to be consoled by a team mate after getting benched then turned inside out by the coaching staff in front of everyone.  Get ready for hilarious QB play for the foreseeable future, Clemson faithful.  Word on the streetz (as of Saturday) is TWATson has a torn ACL.

Ohio vs. Minnesota

Okay.  Before we get to anything.  What the fuck is this amazing shit!?



LOL!  It's the middle of a college football game and this chubby sow is plowing through a Dilly Bar.  "Ice cream helps me coach better.  Back off!!"  Now, on with Ohio fans chest thumping a win over Minnesota.  This game just felt over in the first half despite Ohio doing everything in its power to keep the Gophers in it. Jalin Marshall was the second best player for Minnesota on Saturday while pretty much fucking up at every turn.  On the flip side, David Cobb is somehow one of the most UNDERRATED backs in college football and should be a steal for someone on draft day.  Real quick...how was Elliott's "Ab Game" on Saturday, Droolz?  LOL.  In case anyone cares (they don't) Cakes was his usual whiny bitchy self about this game on Twitter.

Florida State

This program has officially crossed the border of insanity.  Just when you think FSU can't get anymore like ESU from The Program, another hilarious story about the inmates running the asylum pops up.  And there's Jimbo Fisher in the middle of it all with his slimy handshakes and his greaser smile.  I'm not sure how fans of this football team can still defend what's happening in Tallahassee right now.  But they will because they support rape and are awful humans.  A monumental fall has to be on its way.

Nebraska vs. Wisconsin

Melvin Gordon is one sick bitch.  I know it takes a lot these days for a running back to win the Heisman but this has to vault Gordon firmly into the discussion.  It has to.  It's hard to believe this Wisconsin team lost to Northwestern.  Who the fuck loses to Northwestern?!

Notre Dame vs. Northwestern




Poor Larry.  Poor Brian Kelly.  Poor Notre Dame.  Just kidding.  Fuck everyone associated with Notre Dame.  Now would all of you please individually apologize to everyone in the world for being little cunts about that FSU loss and the fact that no one respects Notre Dame.  We were right to question everything and you owe us at least an apology.  Notre Dame is a bunch of fucking frauds.  Always have been and always will be.  Eat a foot long Pat Fitzgerald dick sammie.  Extra pubes.

Arizona St. vs. Oregon St.

I don't think ASU was ever a real contender for the playoffs so this loss is insignificant unless you happen to be an ASU fan.  I guess Ohio fans can be happy they're a spot closer to not making the 4 team playoff at the end of the year.  Overall, let's not forget the most important part of this game...it's always great when a team beats Notre Dame and then follows that up with a bad loss the very next week.  Soak it in.

Alabama vs. Mississippi St.

This game had snooze fest written all over it before the coin was even flipped but it turned out to be pretty decent.  Alabama looked damn good Saturday and found a way to neutralize Prescott pretty much throughout.  I love all of the SEC haters out there.  And by love I mean I hope they drown in horse semen.  It's was incredible watching them piss and moan how the SEC is treated differently when this score was 5-0 in the second quarter.  "If this was so and so and the score was this everyone would be..." blah, blah, blah.  Shut the fuck up, already.  If you really don't think the SEC is by far the best conference then throw yourself into a wood chipper.

TCU vs Kansas

The ghost of Charlie Weis' clogged arteries was alive in well in this fucking weird ass game.  Kansas' stadium was comically empty for a game the Jayhawks were in the entire way.  I don't get that.  Kansas football tickets have to be free to students, right?  There's no way the school can realistically attempt to sell these to students.  Having said that...wouldn't you, as a student, at least want to go to the games against the good teams like TCU?  Even if they weren't free?  If nothing else it's a blowout at half time and you can leave happy that you saw one of the better teams in the country live.  I don't know...maybe Kansas students would rather go fuck pigs instead.

Auburn vs. Georgia

/throws a stack of papers in the air.  I'm fucking done trying to figure out Georgia.  They're good, they're bad, they're good, they're bad.  Whatever.  With how crazy Georgia's season has been, I guess it makes complete sense that as of right now unranked Missouri and not #15 Georgia would be playing in the SEC championship game.  Figure that one out.

Todd Gurley ACL

RIP

Florida State vs. Miami

Ahhhhhh.  The Criminal Bowl.  What a fuckin game.  Florida State jizzes rabbits feet, apparently.  But I guess just as much credit goes to Al Golden for being a complete vagina in the 2nd half.  My Lord...how many more times can FSU do this before they get burned?  It's gonna happen eventually, right?!  I want to say that Brad Kaaya is a stud in the making but we've been here before with other Miami QBs, haven't we?  Meanwhile, Jimbo Fisher continues to be a villainous dick sack.  "It's just how we do things at Florida State", he smugly spewed in the post game interview.  Get fucked.  If Fisher raises his children with the same blind eye he treats his football players with, I would say his son should be a full blown crack addict by 13.  And no one would be surprised or feel bad.  Some people just deserve a steaming, nutty turd on the chest of life.

Helluva week in college football.  So many good games.  For a second it looked like a huge playoff shakeup was going to happen but I'm not so sure it does.  I think the top four goes Oregon, ROLL DAMN CHILD (ELITE Facebook reference), Mississippi St. and then FSU.  That makes the most sense to me based on what I saw Saturday...even though I don't think FSU should technically be in there.  There are other teams that I think are better but you can't exactly boot an undefeated team in a power conference who happens to be the defending champ.  Even though that would be sweet.  That's all today.  Fuck off.

Monday, November 17, 2014

The Worst of Week Eleven Vol.VIII

This guy has nothing to do with anything today but he looks EXACTLY like my Uncle Rob.  Why is a coach eating ice cream during a game?  I absolutely must meet this hero.  I have so many questions. He looks like a guy with all the answers.
It seems like at least half the movies ever made have had a scene where some lonely guy is sitting at a hotel bar spilling his misery to a hooker and saying things like "I missed everything because of this DAMN JOB".  He's usually talking about a failed marriage or kids that hate him or a gay son or whatever.  Saturday, She$ and The Penny (man, I really should have pushed for Penny...that would have been a logical name) went back to Nap to visit her parents and I stayed at home with the dog because it was a worthless visit and made little sense for me to go since I would have complained the whole time.  Well, if you subscribe to my NAACP Award winning Facebook feed, you probably saw that Penny rolled over for the first time.

Now, in the grand scheme of things, this means very little.  She rolled over.  Big fucking deal.  But I am sad that I missed it anyway.  I can't help but wonder if this is just the beginning.  Will I miss more firsts due to my illustrious blogging duties?  I don't want to do that.  At least the wife recorded it so that's cool.  I vow to be there when Penny says her first word (it will be "ELITE") and her first sentence ("Mom, you are OVERRATED").  The moral of the story is that you should never feel ashamed for laying on the couch in complete silence all day with both of your hands down your pants.  Let's talk football.

Leodis McKelvin - I believe that he GUARANSHEEDed a win over Miami on Thursday and followed that up not winning AND breaking his leg or something.  ELITE prediction!  The only thing left for the Bills to do is fuck up the Browns first round pick spot.

FUCK YOU, WASHINGTON PIGDICKS - What a disaster.  I mean, they bring in the Seal Team Six Bin Laden killer guy to fire them up on Saturday and then do nothing on Sunday.  That guy should kill this franchise.  The Redskins, coming off of a bye, lost by 20 at home to Lovie Smiff.  They had LBs covering Mike Evans one on one.  This.  Team.  Sucks.  We had two weeks to prepare for those losers!  Unreal.  Worst team in the league.

Atlanta - They are now leading the South at a robust 4-6 despite being fucking terrible.  They deserved to lose yesterday.

The Saints - Everyone on this team sucks except for (shockingly) Mark Ingram.  The Dome used to be the toughest place for opponents and now a ginger piece of shit can dominate them there.  Bonus points to that asshole Saints fan for stealing the ball from the BenGAL.  I haven't such shitbrick behavior from a fan since Peter King stole a foul ball from a little kid.

Peyton Manning - Say what you will about Tom Brady, but he makes it work with whoever he has to throw to.  Julius and Emmanuel both go down and Manning is WORTHLESS.  I guess it isn't that easy if you don't have incredible players all over the field.  This was the biggest upset of the season.  22-7 to the Rams!

ELITE Manning - Somehow, Peyton wasn't even the worst Manning of the day.  The way that this family worked yesterday, Cooper was probably killed in a stampede and baked onto one of Papa John's Fritos abortion pizzas.

Teddy Bridgewater - This guy is worse than Geno Smith.  Yeah, I said it.  The Bears can't cover me and Teddy didn't complete a pass to a WR until the second half.  What a loser.  By the way, yesterday was the first time in a month that the Bears attempted a field goal.  LOL!

High Expectations - Yep, we should have seen this coming.  The Browns being in first place was going to last as little time as possible.  They were dominated at home by a bad team and basically played as if they didn't have any gameplan other than "turn it over" and "make backups look ELITE" with a little "JJ Watt do whatever you want".  Browns are still way more of a pretender than a contender.  And yes I will change my opinion on this team from week to week.

Marmalard Rivers - The Chargers beat a shitty Raiders team and it was an awful game.  Rivers got his ass kicked which had to delight America.  We don't spend much time at all complimenting the Raiders and rightfully so but Khalil Mack is a STUD and probably should be in the Pro Bowl as a rookie.

Not really anyone in the SEA/KC and DET/ARI - Those were two good games and four good teams.  The Lions just couldn't get anything going but no one has been able to do much in the desert.  I suppose that they guy responsible for covering Michael Floyd sucked.  And Damman tells me that Jerome Booger had a bad game.  I'm sure that that was true.

Mark "El Shitbox" Sanchez - If you bought into Nacho's redemption story then congrats on being dumb as fuck.  This guy isn't winning big road games.  I expected the Packers to win big (maybe not THAT big) but I continue to believe that the Eagles are frauds.  Don't give them any special teams touchdowns and they are in trouble.  Mr. Ace lost an in-house bet to his Packer-molesting wife so I think he spent the evening getting pegged or something.  Ape sucks.

FANTASY! - I'm just ignoring my OTHER LEAGUE at this point.  It looks like I'm going to beat Prime in the MSFL and Lange in the LFL which will continue my incredible Cinderella story.  Burke is going to beat me in the G$FL which sucks because his team blows and no one scored on my team this week.  At least I get Josh Gordon and probably Adrian Peterson next week.  Good luck, f-sackles.

That will do it for this week's round-up.  It looks like the NFL is stuffing the Steelers up our asses again tonight.  Well, if they can lose to the Bucs and Jets, completing the triumverate with a loss to the Titans should make for a fun watch, too.  FUCK YOU CAKES!

Friday, November 14, 2014

ENOUGH ALREADY PLEASE BLOW UP THE CAVS

Listen, sheeple, David Blatt is Illuminati!
You know, when LeBron decided to come back home I understood that the attention would be annoying and frustrating.  It sort of comes with the territory.  But we're only six games into the season and I already want to kill myself over the ridiculous and absurd coverage of this team.  Every little thing is being dissected multiple times and it is very, very insufferable.  So I want to spend the day addressing some of the hottest Cavalier takes from around the worldwide web because they are plentiful.

*LeBron looks different and is too passive!
-I spent the entirety of LeBron's first tenure in Ohio making excuses for him so I'm trying not to this time around.  It didn't really work out well for me the other time.  Many are wondering what is wrong with LeBron.  Well, he sort of de-tankified his body in the offseason and I'm sure that that is taking some getting used to.  He's also morphed into some sort of hybrid TRANSCENDENT superstud/coach.  He's right.  There are some really bad habits from the holdovers that need to be fixed on the fly.  I'm not sure if "watching them fail" is the right way to deal with that though.  In conclusion, come on, bruh...this is LeBron and he is going to be fine.  I just assume that he is trying too hard at the start of the season.

*Kyrie needs to pass the ball or they're going to trade him!
-After that weird 0 assist game in Utah, hot takes lisp king Bill Plaschke said that the Cavs should get rid of him and Kornheiser wants him traded for Rondo.  After one poor game.  Look, Kyrie ain't John Stockton.  He isn't going to rack up 15 APG.  He's going to shoot and he will score.  He and Rose have a lot in common in regards to how they play the position.  Does Kyrie need to tweak his game?  Absolutely but overreacting isn't going to help.  News flush: the Cavs don't have the on-court chemistry at the moment to be delivering huge assist totals.  That will come in time but right now they're playing a lot of isolation garbage ball because they don't fully trust each other yet.

*Dion Waiters is a flag-burning terrorist!
-If you missed this one, get ready for a doozy.  Waiters is apparently a re-born Muslim and was not on the floor for the national anthem last week.  He then later changed his story and said that he lost track of time getting ready (which means he was taking a shit because what the hell else could it be).  Does Dion Waiters hate America?  Why would one's religion impact his feelings on the country that has made him a one percenter?  Dion is going to be the fall guy all year and things like this aren't helping people come around on him.  Stop being a distraction, Muslim Michael Sam.

*Kevin Love is going to opt out after this year and go to the Lakers!
-Bulls beat reporter and Michael Jordan's blowjob jockey, Sam Smith, just threw this nugget into the news and notes section of an unrelated post so you know that it is HOT GOSS.  Did everyone enjoy the Kevin Love In Cleveland Era?  Because apparently it is already over!  This is the dumbest.  I mean, seriously, where is the integrity?  I fully do expect Love to opt out after this year.  Why wouldn't he?  But NOBODY is choosing a god awful Lakers team that will be picking in the lottery for at least the next three years and with a horrible coach/GM/owner over playing with LeBron.  NO ONE.  Simmons and Chad Lowe made an interesting point the other day that you are going to continually hear and read a lot of stuff like this in order to hopefully crack the foundation that the Cavs have built.  This rumor though...it ain't working.

*Love and Irving are POTHEADS!
-The other night after the Cavs beat a pretty good Pelicans team, #2 and #0 celebrated with some sort of elaborate handshake that concluded with a pot smoking gesture.  They were called out for it.  The team says that they are mimicking "sharpening a mustache" which is just the greatest absurd excuse ever.  Look, guys, everyone is watching everything that you do now.  Take it easy on the double entendres.  Although I would like to see many more of these win celebrations.

We still have 76 more games to go this year and we already have 5 borderline insane subplots.  Having LeBron back is great but I forgot about the circus that comes along with it.  I'd still rather have this than that not ELITE 27 game losing streak from four years ago.  The coverage is only going to get worse.  Now if you don't mind, I'm going to spend the rest of the day passively sharpen my mustache and burning the American flag.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Do's and Dont's of Parent Teacher Conferences

NOT PORN!
It's Wednesday night, Mrs. Ace has been out of town the past three days, and I'm just getting home from parent/teacher conferences. Nothing is really sticking out as topic worthy, unless you all want me to start a race(ist) war in the comments with some HOT FERGUSON TAEKS?!?!?! But I'm not really up for that today. We could talk about how great walking around you underwear is...and we probably should. Instead, I think I will offer some parenting advice, because I know parents love taking advice from non-parents.

I had parent/teacher conferences on Monday and Wednesday this week. These are always a real fucking hoot. Let me just give you a little snapshot into the type of parents we get to deal with on a daily basis. On Monday night we had a mother come in with her son for a conference. This boy is on the autism spectrum and all he really wants to talk about is toy trains, or twains as he says. This mom is nuttier than Seal's face after visiting the UK lockerroom. Somehow this mother has been approved to be a substitute teacher in Columbus City Schools, but we make it very clear to her that she is not allowed to sub at our school because she has a kid here. Unfortunately, we share a wing with another neighborhood that she is allowed to sub in.

So this crazy lady shows up Tuesday morning with a sub job for the other school, but comes to our office and says she has a placement at our school for the day. And we did have an opening that day for a sub and our secretary didn't know any better, so she got sent on back. Teachers saw her pretty quickly, safety and security was called, and she exited the building without much of an issue.

Fast forward two hours later, and the district Superintendent is coming through the school and gladhanding acting like he gives a fuck about what we do or can relate to these kids in any way. Well right on time, crazy mom has shown back up and is demanding to go see her child. She is told "No". Repeatedly. Clearly not the type to lay down without a fight, she decides to call the news while standing in the office because....reasons. Right at that time the Superintendent is trying to exit through our office when crazy mom jams her phone in the Superintendent's face and screams, "I'm on the phone with the news, you piece of shit. Don't you go anywhere."

So the cops are called and she ends up getting hauled out in handcuffs. She has one message for the three unlucky kids who happen to be in the hallway as she is leaving, "DON'T LET THEM RIP YOUR HEART OUT!" I cannot stress to you how fucking fantastic it was watching those kids' faces. And then to top it all of the cops call the kids grandmother to come pick the kid up from school. The grandmother says, "You might be an impostor. I can't trust you," and hangs up on the cop. The cop proclaims the family crazy and the kid spends the night with Children's Services. Just another Tuesday morning.

So I have some rules for all you breeders when it comes to attending these parent/teacher conferences in the future:

Dont's:

1. Don't Show Up Higher Than Giraffe Pussy. Yesterday I had a meeting with a mom at 3:20 PM. She showed up blazed out of her fucking mind. Like, you thought she was hiding a skunk in her jacket. She had to be hotboxing all the way to the school. She literally said 5 words during this 20 minute meeting. A 20 minute meeting about her son being a fucking giant 4th grader, seriously the largest 4th grader I've seen, and flipping tables when he gets upset with his teacher. Mom just sits there stone-faced, occasionally looking over at her son and shaking head. If you show up high to your parent/teacher conference you are no good to your child or the teacher. Just sleep it off. (But for realz, if this kid can find a decent adult in his life he is a guaransheed D1 athlete. I should Michael Oher him.)

2. Don't Threaten Your Kid. Sometimes the information that these parents get can really piss them off. For example, Melsharrodante(seriously) has been telling us for the last two weeks that you went back to jail. I understand how you might want to strangle your child, I truly do, but you can't say that. "I'm going to beat the shit out of you" earns you an immediate call to Children's Services, and a subsequent home visit. Whoop that ass at home, if you're lazy(BOOM), but don't tell me your game plan.

3. Don't Believe Your Kid. Last year we had a student go home and tell his mom that his teacher restrained him and kicked him in the forehead. I know I work with A LOT of shoddy educational professionals, but that never happened, and never has happened. Nonetheless, this mother was adamant that her son was assaulted by his teacher, was a perfect student outside of this teachers room, and only acted out when set off by staff. Your kid is fucking lying to you. If your child has made it to a school like mine, which most of them will, they are master manipulators who are deceptively good at pinning adults against each other. Please don't be your child's puppet, it doesn't look good on you.

Do's:

1. Know Your Fucking Kid. Last night I was roaming the hallway, bullshitting with a couple other coworkers. All of the sudden we hear furniture crashing and screaming coming from a 5th grade teachers room. We know exactly which kid it is because he has an incredible ability to string together curse words. We walk into the door and the mom waves us away...she's got this. Less then thirty seconds later a chair comes flying out of the room. We go back to the door, not really moving too quickly because the mom needs to understand she is absolutely not in control, and the kid sits down. It's about control. That kid knows that if myself and my coworker have to step foot in that room it's going to be a problem for him. He knows his mom won't/can't do shit. So please, if you don't really have control over your child, don't set them off by telling them you are going to sent them to a residential facility. They will flip out and make you look like a fool.

2. Show Up. I have 15 students between the two classrooms I am responsible for. I had two parents show up(1 who was high as fuck, and the other who is actually very involved with their autistic child's academics and I am fighting to get transferred into a better school), 1 no show, 1 who didn't answer their phone for a phone conference, and 11 who never attempted. It might not seem like much, but your teachers, and most importantly, your kids really do appreciate it. The teachers also enjoy laughing about how stupid you are after you leave.

3. Make Your Teachers Sweat. I work with some bad teachers. Teachers that get ran over, emotionally, physically and mentally, by 3rd graders every single day. Seriously, we had a teacher go into early retirement this year because he couldn't control a class of 8 students. Your child's teachers are just people, and most of them aren't very smart people. I know that sucks, with the children being our future and all, but it's the absolute truth. So don't be afraid to call them on their shit. They probably don't really know what they are talking about.

Whenever the day comes that an Ace Jr. is summoned to his first parent/teacher, you best believe I will be there and I will be a giant ass hole. At least the first time until I know my child's educator isn't some tard who decided to be a teacher because they got summers off. Follow these rules, friends, and you can PWN parent/teacher conferences.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

This College Basketball Preview Makes Strange Bedfellows

Crean Pie can't believe that Drew and Seal are working together and this is the greatest screen grab ever.
We're all still balls deep in football--and rightfully so--but college basketball season starts up this week and I think that a good majority of the regulars here enjoy the sport.  It's not just a February and March thing, dammit.  In FACT, we are going to up our coverage here this season as Prime will be responsible for the Pac-12 North while Burke can handle beat writing the Pac-12 South.  Seal will take the SEC.  Iceman has the ACC for some reason.  Ide can take the Big East.  Mr. Ace can do the Big 12 because fuck him.  And everyone else can collectively cover the Big Ten.  Deal?  Anyway, we have two assholes who follow college hoops the most here and while they always make for entertaining adversaries, they are joining up today to preview the shit out of the 2014-15 season.  Dickheads, the floor is yours...

Q: Give your legions of fans here an OVERRATED and an underrated team based on the preseason AP rankings?
(Seal) OVERRATED - Michigan. Lost too many people, too young, and no depth in the best conference is not promising. Beilein is a decent coach, but he has his work cut out for him this season with this roster.
Underrated - Strictly going off the rankings, a team that I love to be in the top 10 all year, that isn't in the top 10 now is Iowa State. Love their offensive production, bringing back a healthy Georges Niang is huge. Their gym is a really tough place to win. They will challenge Kansas for the BIG 12 Title.
(Drew) OVERRATED Team - Virginia. I don't really get how they are preseason # 9. I get that they had a nice year last year...but, they don't have anybody even projected to get drafted next year and their best player is a guy who in Malcolm Brogdon who seems to make all of the UNDERRATED lists. So, how can not a team so highly thought of not even have a guy who gets a lot of publicity. Overrated FO SHO.
Underrated - UCLA. Somehow the PAC-12 has only one team ranked and that is #2 Arizona. UCLA has two first rounders on their team in Norman Powell and Trevon Looney. They have a chance to win a decent amount of games in that shitty conference and grab a nice seed

Q. That Jahlil Okafor kid at Duke looks like a goddamn STUD. Any other freshmen to keep an eye out for?
(Seal) Homer pick - Karl Towns (UK). Kids sick. Non-homer pick - Stanley Johnson (Zona)
(Drew) My favorite freshman not named Okafor is Cliff Alexander at Kansas. Dude is a FREAK. He's going to be a dunking/shot blocking machine in Lawrence.
(editor's note: 18 year olds named Karl, Stanley, and Cliff?  What fucking year is this???)

Q. Give us a sleeper team...not necessarily an underrated team but somebody that you think could make a big run in March.
(Seal) Once again, I love that Iowa State team if they can stay healthy. Also, I think Northwestern finally gets in the tourney this year and wins a game or two.
(Drew) Utah. I'm gonna stick with my PAC-12 thing here...Utah has the ability to beat everyone in the conference not named Arizona and comes with a lot of experience and a 1st rounder in Delon Wright.
(ed. I fucking love Iowa State...Fred Hoiberg is going to go down as one of the best coaches of all time)

Q. I think that the Player of the Year Award is the Naismith. Who wins that?
(Seal) Okafor - no doubt.
(Drew) Okafor. Real boring choice, but kid can do it all...is smart/well spoken and plays for Duke. Usually you combine those ingredients and you get a ton of votes.

Q. Any big name coaches getting fired?
(Seal) No but this controversy at UNC is interesting. I'm wondering, with how things have been recently if they get big time busted if they turn that program inside out and start over.
(Drew) This is a tough one in basketball as a shitty season with a decent tourney run as saved many jobs. Although, Purdue doesn't seem to care about sports...I could see Matt Painter getting fired this year. They have been pretty bad for a few years now....have not been able to take advantage of Crean Pie's shittiness....and the only B1G team that they are for sure finishing above is Rutgers. At some point it might just be time to cut the cord with him and try to gain some control on your basketball mad state....before Indiana fires Crean too.
(ed. Yeah, come on, Crean Pie is fucking gone...his players would rather Tony Stewart each other than play for him)

Q. Which conference ends up being the most ELITE in 2014-15?
(Seal) It's a toss up between the B1G and ACC. Both are very deep. ACC has more rock star teams, but the B1G is always competitive and gritty.
(Drew) It will be the ACC this year. Duke and UNC are loaded....although I don't think highly of Virginia...the media thinks of them as top 10...and you still have Louisville and Syracuse. It's been a while since the ACC has been stacked...but, they are back this year.
(ed. The MAC is always the answer to this)

Q. Give me your thoughts and predictions for YOUR team (that means Seal for UK and Drew for OH)
(Seal on Kentucky) Calipari and this 2 squad platoon struggles a little out of the gate (see 2014 Cleveland Cavs) and everyone pisses their pants about it. But with 9 McD's All Americans and pretty much two starting 5's, they will be fine. Returning the Harrison twins, Poythress, Cauley Stein and Dakari Johnson is huge - and odd that we had so many return. Get ready to hate a really good UK team again this year!
(Drew on Ohio Buckeyes) I'm pretty high on this OSU team. I worry about where our scoring is going to come from a bit...and we are still a year away from having an ELITE big man come in. But, adding one of the best Freshman classes in the country to go along with Scott, Slam Thompson and Temple transfer Anthony Lee...will make for a very fun team. I'm not sure how fast we will start...but, I think this is definitely a top 4 seed by the end of the year. The two biggest studs of the Freshmen class are PG/SG D'Angelo Russell and PF Keita Bates-Diop. Both are showing to be legit based on practice reviews and scrimmages. Hopefully, a Buckeye pulls a Hoosier and runs over Amir with a car so we don't have to watch one final year of him. I'm hoping for a 2nd place finish in the B1G...but, 3rd place is probably more likely.

Q: How about your Final Four and National Champion?
(Seal) UK, Duke, Iowa St, Villanova. UK Champs.
(Drew) Kentucky, Wisconsin, Duke, Louisville. Kentucky wins...anything short of a championship with a monster regular season is a disappointment with the guys that came back to school and the incoming Freshmen. The front line is just silly size wise.

Thanks, guys!  We've got a UK sweep from the experts.  My RedHawks are picked last in the East (again!) and lost a scrimmage to powerhouse Edinboro last weekend but I still think that we're going to surprise some folks this season.  We are fixing to play the 40 Minutes of Hell style which is my favorite brand of hoops.  Grinding out half court possessions is the worst. Either way, let's get ready to enjoy an Aaron Craft-free season!  Who will be this year's Most Hated Scrappy White?  Is it Spike Albrecht?  Or maybe "Wisconsin"?  PROBABLY!

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

College Football Week 11


Asshole of the century



Welcome to the worst week ever in the history of college football and The Moneyshot.  Blogger was being a real fat cunt when I tried writing this and made it very difficult to complete this post.  It must have known how annoying today was going to be and just wanted to set the tone.  I should have set odds for the Fuckeye who will be the most Fuckish, but we all know that's Drew and it isn't close.  Let's fucking get this over with already.

Michigan vs. Northwestern

Quite possibly the most boring game in Michigan football history, although Pat Fitzgerald's decision to go for two at the end spiced things up a bit.  What a stupid decision, too.  I know Northwestern's season is the bottom of a port-o-john at Country Concert but you don't do that shit on your home field against a bad team.  Tie it up and try to see who is less shitty in OT.  You're supposed to have home field advantage for things like OT.  Utilize it.  I'm still trying to figure out why people still think Patty Screamo is this brilliant coach.  He sucks bum dicks.  In other news Brady Hoke made his first smart coaching decision by red shirting Jabrill Peppers.  Too bad Hoke won't be around to reap the benefits of that move.

Auburn vs. Texas A&M

Kenny Hill's year just gets worse and worse.  I've never seen anyone with such a meteoric rise have an equally impressive plummet all in one season.  This Kyle Allen bro has led TAMU to two straight wins and made Kenny FOOTBAWWW a thing of the past.  Anyway...I feel like Auburn had this coming.  There's only one team in college football more lucky than Auburn and we'll get to them a little later.  Look for Alabama or TCU to replace Auburn in the top 4.

Notre Dame vs. Arizona State

I don't usually write anything more than what needs to be said about Notre Dame.  "Fuck Larry in his stupid fucking ass" usually sums it up perfectly on a weekly basis.  Not today.  More needs to be said about Notre Dame, in general.  Brian Kelly is the cuntiest twat to ever cunt-twat.  He is the epitome of what it means to be a truly awful human being.  Kelly's post game interview was his Mona Lisa of being a whiny, easily hateable fuck head.  I understand he was upset about losing to a very good ASU team but that doesn't mean you get to publicly fucking undress a reporter for doing his job.  Fuckin prick.  It makes sense that ND fans fucking worship this guy because most of them are dick wads just like Kelly.  Go die in a grease fire, Brian Kelly.  And the fans.  Jesus, the fans.  I'm surprised the majority haven't drown in their own tears yet.  Notre Dame fans constantly piss and moan about how unfairly the Irish are treated and that the fucking world is against them.  They're Ohio Buckeye Jr.'s.  There was sooooo much public bitching that was done by the fans about Notre Dame not being in the top 4 when the first rankings were released.  Well two weeks later and it seems like the committee actually knew what they were doing and got it right.  Shocking.  Go deep throat a crucifix, you fuckin cry babies.

Oklahoma vs. Baylor

Bob Stoops is terrible.  G$ nailed it.

Duke Football

Duke is 8-1 and in the driver's seat to play for the ACC championship for the second year in a row.  That is absolutely mind blowing and pretty fucking impressive.  I think there's a Duke obsessed Saul brother out there that just creamed himself.

Ohio vs. MSU

In the immortal words of Tyler Durden, "Hey, good for you it doesn't change a thing."  Sure, Ohio has a great chance to win the Big 10 and Drew will continue to swear up and down that I put my entire reputation on Ohio winning 7 or 8 games this year but this team is still a long shot for the playoff.  No matter what you losers think, it's going to take a lot for Ohio to even be in the National Championship discussion.  But it'll be fun and hilarious to listen to you fucks justify why a terrible loss to Virginia Tech and beating only one (potentially two) ranked teams makes you worthy of a shot at a title.  Get ready for the worst of "The NCAA has a personal grudge against the Ohio Buckeyes" type CAKESTAEKS.  You'll want to staple his dick hole shut by the time he's done.

That'll be all for today since Ohio Buckeyes is what everyone wants to discuss anyway.  You better catch a stiff buzz in order to tolerate the ass hattery that will be going on in the comments.  We could reach a new level of Fuckeyeness today.  In conclusion, G$ asked me to add this at the end.  It's probably a link for a life like replica of a Derec Alexander anus.  Read at your own risk.

The MAC Glory Hole of the Week (8-5, SON!) is for tonight's West battle.  The is my LOCK OF THE YEAR, folks.  I'm laying a big fucking cock hammer on Northern Illinois +2 vs. Toledo.  NIU getting points at home?  To a back-up QB that is a game-time decision and may not play at all?  To the same Toledo who has not covered in their last 5 road games?  LOL.  This is stealing.  Take the points and moneyline this fucker for extra juice.

Monday, November 10, 2014

The Worst of Week Ten Vol.VIII

I'm sure that this place has failed every health inspection.
Not the best slate of NFL games this past weekend, which is great because I still can't get over the idea of "6-3 Cleveland Browns" as a thing that exists.  Even the most ardent doubter has to be impressed.  Outside of the gag in Jacksonville which can be entirely blamed on Iceman's presence, the Brown-eyes have been quite good all year.  I don't know how this will end for them as the final 7 games are much, MUCH tougher than the previous nine, but progress is being shown on the field and for once the team is not a weekly embarrassment.

That said, it's going to be interesting to see how the team handles the QB position this offseason.  They didn't draft Johnny Football to be a career clipboard holder.  Eventually, he is going to get his shot.  But Hoyer is a free agent in a few months and has already said that he wants to get paid AND be the starter.  That doesn't leave much wiggle room.  Browns fans probably assumed that this would all work itself out but it has not and in FACT has gotten muddier because Hoyer keeps winning.  I don't know what the right answer is here.  Hoyer isn't going to sign a two year deal and bridge Manziel to the starting role.  And how do you let the guy walk when he is the only winner in franchise history?  I don't know if there is a right answer here but I am quit certain that the Browns will choose the absolute wrongest option available.  Let's get into the football from a Redskins-free weekend:

Andy Dalton - Somehow that performance was only the 83rd worst in NFL history by a QB.  I demand a recount.

America's Team - Jesus Christ, Blue Jackets, 0-7-1 in your last 8 games?  I don't want to be tanking the rest of the season.  Wake the fuck up.

Bryce Brown - The Bills blew a double digit fourth quarter lead at home and it didn't help that this career underachiever fumbled out of the endzone.  By the way, the Chiefs are 6-3 and still haven't thrown a TD pass to a wide receiver.  That might be the most amazing stat of the season.

Jim Caldwell and Joe Philbin's sanity - Three fake punts attempted in this game!  This was a quality game and I think that both teams should make the playoffs.  The Lions had more field goal fiascos which was expected but it's nice to have Megatron back.

Not Shoelace - I can't believe that we live in a world where Denard fucking Robinson is a legitimately rock solid HB in the NFL.  This amazes me.

The Steelers - It's hard to take a team seriously with losses to Tampa and the fucking Jets on the resume.  This game was never close because Pittsburgh just slept through the game.  If Steelers fans had any shame left at all, they would be incredibly embarrassed.  Awesome to see loser ass Shaun Suisham missing easy kicks again.  Everyone wanted to buy Pittsburgh this past week but they're just another team that is great at home and blows on the road.  Congrats on being the AFC Saints.  By the way, the Browns are in first place--ALONE--after ten weeks.

Mike Mitchell - The former Ohio Bobcat gave Greg Schiano a giant two inch erection with his classless playing through the whistle in the final moments yesterday. Eat giant hog, douche, and take your LOSS TO THE JETS like the bitch that you are.

Corey White and Drew Brees - That's pretty much exactly how I envisioned a SF/NO game in 2014 with the team that won being the team that "lost less".  We all know that Crabtree can't be counted on to make a play late in a big game, but White leaving him 40 fathoms wide open (20,000 LEAGUES!) might be a little much.  And then Breesus turns it over like usual and booger-eating Dawson ends it.  I'll tell you what, after the OBVIOUS Jimmy Graham Hail Mary OPI, Jimmy BRAH launching his papers in the air was ELITE.  This drops the Saints to who gives a fuck because they are going to win the South with ease anyway.

Ray Farmer - We complimented the Browns quite a bit at the top and that just doesn't feel right so let's drop a little feces in the piss cocktail down here.  I just want to remind you guys that instead of drafting a project corner in the top ten, you could have had Odell Beckham Jr who looks AMAZING.  That kid is going to be a freaking stud.

Matt Hasselbeck - He was doing color commentary on Fox (LOL at a Hasselbeck working for Fox) and while he was fine, he sounds EXACTLY like Simmons. I kept waiting for some 90210 and/or Karate Kid references that never came.

The Giants Defense - What an awful team (that won in DC by 30+ 6 weeks ago LOL).  There is not a more one dimensional offense in the NFL now than Seattle and they still rolled for 333 yards.  Seriously, the Seahawks can't pass the ball.  Wilson is awful and the receivers are worse.  You should just put all 11 in the box.  Outside of ODB and the forever ELITE Eli, the Giants are the worst.

Emmanuel Sanders - This whistledick never does anything unless he is facing me in fantasy.  Fucker.  Fucking loser.  Any game with ample amounts of Brock Osweiler is one that sucks.

Michael Floyd - I'm sorry but weren't you supposed to be some sort of breakout superstud this season?  From what I see, you are worse than Jim Dray.  Typical Notre Dame loser being a loser. At least Arizona just paid Carson Palmer...LOL!

Jay Cutler - I'm just going to assume that he sucked last night.  The game hasn't started yet but I feel comfortable leaving this in here.

FANTASY! - Got Lynched in my OTHER LEAGUE to drop to 2-8 (fuck yeah...worst team two years in a row!).  Lynched Damman in the LFL to somehow get to 5-5. Gonna beat Nibbles in the MSFL to move to 6-4 and tied for first in MY division like the icon that I am.  The G$FL is still up in the air at time of writing this but fuck you, Dut (or not now that I look at the match-up...fucking Dut).

That's it for the NFL talk today.  Get ready for tomorrow's Ohio love fest.  I would like to announce that Burke won Friday's contest.  How?  He picked Barrett to throw a certain number and Drew, who made his pick later, chose one yard LESS than that pick.  Classic Idiot Drool!  Enjoy tonight's re-debut of El Shitbox!      

Friday, November 07, 2014

Still Hungry For More Sad Pizza

Never forget.
The weather is starting to get cold in the Midwest which is annoying but that means that the holidays are right around the corner.  What helped confirm these suspicions was seeing Great Lakes Christmas Ale on the shelves of my local store.  YES!  Anyway, holidays equal giving gifts and, even worse, asking for things.  I can never think of anything when people ask.  It usually comes down to booze or meat.  Seriously.  If you're like me, I may have a solution to that problem.  But first, a detour to lead us into the big bang.

Even the most ardent homer of Jim Delaney's dumpster conference (also known as The Big Ten) has to admit that it is boring.  Literally nothing happens outside of bad games, failed expectations, poor hand-shaking skills, and total embarrassment.  Sorry, Bo Pelini, but there are only two relevant programs in 2014 and they just so happen to take the field tomorrow up in Mateen Cleaves' old stomping grounds.  You have my word as a gentleman that this is the first and last time that you need to concern yourself with Big Ten Football this season.

One loss Ohio Buckeyes will face one loss Sparty to see who will be the fifth team in a four horse playoff race.  It should be a real blast.  Let's hop back in time about 11 months to the greatest day of everyone's lives: the 2013 Big Ten Championship Game in Indy.  Oh what a time to be alive.  The fraud Buckeyes took their 4,005 game winning streak over their steady stream of cream puffs up against Mark Dantonio's ruff ryders (I assume that he is a big DMX fan).  Big Pimpin' G$ played a massive role in this outcome as well what with his bleeding scarlet and gray all over the Bier Stube.  It was a night that few will forget as an American hero stepped behind enemy lines to bring down our greatest enemy.  I would do it again, too.  Just not tomorrow.

There's no reason for me to lie here: I've only watched one and a half Ohio games this season and maybe half of a Michigan State contest.  I don't know anything about these teams except that a lot of people want to pump up Ohio for what they've done against the Green Meadows Conference and ignore the embarrassing performances against the NWOAL.  Well, now it seems like you've upgraded to the NLL for one week.  Are you prepared?  That is the big question that no one will be able to answer until the game starts.

I wasn't impressed at all with how they played at Penn State.  New flush: Sparty is much better in all phases.  At least I assume that they are.  I wouldn't know.  A lot of mock drafts have Connor Cook going in the first round next year which seems crazy to me.  Anyway, this being the Big Ten's last chance to showcase borderline competent football this year, I would expect to see a pretty good game tomorrow night.  So good, in FACT, that I would like to ANNOUNCE A CONTEST.

Oh yeah, with no MACtion this weekend and thus no Glory Hole to predict (now at 8-5 on the year!), I need to spice up Saturday somehow.  A giveaway seems like a good idea.  With the holidays (or CHRISTmas to some) coming up, it's not too early to think about gifts for those who can still stand your presence.  What better way to listen to all of your Total Recall tracks than with a new pair of Relay headphones from the fine folks over at Sol Republic?  Win today's contest and you will take home one of these bad boys.  Not a bad haul at all for a simple prediction, eh?  Here is how you win:

Ohio Buckeyes @ Michigan State Spartans -3.5You pick the winner ATS in the comments.  Once that is done, you answer the question "How many PASSING yards will JT Barrett have in that game".  The correct pick with the closest passing yards (in case of a tie, Price Is Right rules apply) warrants some new and ELITE ear buds that will hopefully get your ass into the gym a little more often.  Sol Republic doesn't have to reward us here so give them a follow on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook @SOLREPUBLIC.  Thank you and God bless.  I believe that Iceman and Seal have won these in the past so you know that it isn't hard.

I actually think that Ohio Buckeyes are going to win tomorrow.  When was the last time that Urb lost to the same team in consecutive years?  I'm sure that it's happened before but I'll be damned if I look into it.  I'll act like I'm into this one for awhile but I know deep down that I will be watching more of the Jackets and Roll Tide/Les Miles.  It's all that this conference deserves.  Good luck in the game and the contest and if you happen to lose, Papa John's makes for an excellent consolation prize, bruh!