Sunday, August 31, 2014

Injury Risks To Avoid In 2014

Tip of the cap to Mark Driggs for providing today's content.
The NFL is obviously a very physical league, so there are going to be injuries each and every year. It is almost impossible to predict what will happen, but there are at least a few players every year who are bigger injury risks. People in fantasy football try to identify those risks before the draft so they do not get stuck with a worthless pick. Here is the biggest injury risk at every main fantasy football position.

Quarterback – Tony Romo

Dallas has shown a pretty strong commitment to Tony Romo with his new deal, but his age and injury history is starting to really scare off some fantasy football owners. Yes, he will be required to throw the ball quite often this year since the defense is terrible, but one bad hit could force him to miss some significant time.

Running Back – Arian Foster

There is no denying the fact that Foster is a very talented running back, but the guy just can’t seem to stay healthy. It is going to be even tougher this year for him and the Houston Texans now that Ben Tate is in Cleveland playing for the Browns. He underwent back surgery last year, and he even briefly considered retirement because of it. Is that really a guy you want to invest a 1st or 2nd round pick in?

Wide Receiver - Reggie Wayne

With modern medicine the way it is, a torn ACL is not all that hard to come back from. However, when you are 35 years of age and play wide receiver in the NFL, it makes things quite a bit more difficult. Wayne has been a very dependable fantasy football option for years, but things might be coming to an end. Andrew Luck is hoping that he stay sharp, but they added Hakeem Nicks as pretty good insurance if he doesn’t.

Tight End – Owen Daniels

The Houston Texans gave up on Daniels last year, but the Baltimore Ravens are still optimistic he can bring something to the table. However, he is a step slow after a leg injury, and he is also blocked by some other players on the roster. He might be nothing more than a backup option at this point in time.

There you go.  Just a little last minute advice before your final fantasy football drafts.  It isn't hard.  Don't hitch your fantasy horse to bros that always get hurt or are coming off of major injuries.  

Friday, August 29, 2014

CFB Preview Day 5: The Champion

"Hello, is Stan there?" "Stan who?" "STANFORD FOOTBALL, BITCH!"
We made it. The football season is back and we no longer have to pretend to be interested in other sports (until the CBJ and Cavs start again OBVZ).  Sure, there were games played already but Preview Week is still going on which means that those in the books don't even count until now.  Today, our panel of experts crown their champions and G$ unloads his inaugural MAC Glory Hole of the Week 2014.  Thanks to all of our contributors this year by the way (especially G$).  Iceman will be back on Tuesday to break down Michigan's loss to Alpo State again.  That should be fun.

Li'l Strut: #1 Florida State vs. #4 Michigan State – Florida State will cruise through its schedule 13-0 and run away with the ACC Championship, again. The Seminoles actually have a chance to be better this year than last year, especially on offense, which is scary. Michigan State will enter the game as B1G Champs at 12-1 after losing an early season contest at Oregon. The Spartans will give Florida State its toughest contest yet, but FSU wins. FLORIDA STATE 31-20.
#2 Auburn vs. #3 STANFORD FOOTBALL – Looking at the schedules, I would be surprised if any team other than Florida State from a Power Five Conference goes undefeated this year. That being said Auburn will enter the game 12-1 as the SEC Champion. Stanford will arrive with a 12-1 record and as the PAC 12 Champ after dropping a game it should not have, but winning all the big games. This will be an epic game, especially with how tough STANFORD FOOTBALL has played against spread options like Oregon, but Auburn’s athleticism will win in the end. AUBURN 27-21.
National Championship Game – #1 Florida State vs. #2 Auburn – I know. This rematch would be a nightmare, which could only be exceeded by an All-SEC title game. This game will be different, though. Auburn’s defense will be improved and will not repeat last year’s mistakes. FSU will fall short in its bid to repeat. AUBURN 35 – 31.

Damman: Man, how fun is this going to be? An actual playoff in college football? New Year’s Day is going to be the ultimate hangover cure with two playoff games. The matchups will be #1 Florida State vs #4 Ohio State and #2 UCLA vs #3 Alabama. FSU will run the table and be a slam dunk #1. UCLA will also run the table. Alabama will lose one along the way but still win the SEC and get in. My beloved Buckeyes will lose in OT at Penn St in a heartbreaker but will have wins over 3 10-win teams (Navy, Michigan State and Wisconsin in the conference title game) and along with strong year from the B1G will make it. I have FSU beating Ohio St (reverse psychology) and UCLA beating Alabama. FSU will repeat as champions over UCLA. They are just too loaded.

Drew: Florida State - Most talented team in college football with the best player in college football.
Ohio State - Most talented team in the B1G and by far the fastest team in the B1G. The speed that Meyer promised is now coming into place and I think it's going to make the conference look very slow. Improved down with a pretty weak schedule outside of @MSU at night...they should be in the playoff.
Oklahoma - I see them running that schedule. I know G$ likes to hate on Stoops...but, I see him taking this team to the playoff.
Alabama - Still loaded...OBVZ if they lose @ Tennessee they won't be in this like my HOT TAKE...but, their schedule is weak. They should make it as one SEC team definitely will.
Champion - Florida State.....Back to Back. Too much talent.

Larry: (Bama, Ohio, Stanford and Oklahoma). In the first ever playoff Stanford will take down Bama. It’s a proven fact that when Stanford plays STANFORD FOOTBALL they cannot lose and they will be able to match Bama’s strength on the Oline and Dline which will lead them to a win. Stanford 21, Bama 17.

G$: STANFORD FOOTBALL - OBVZ
South Carolina - Getting rid of Clowney was addition by subtraction and we need one more hilarious run at the top by Ol' Ball Coach
Baylor - Bryce Petty isn't winning the Heisman if they aren't in the tournament
Michigan State - Best program in the Big Ten and no one else comes close
Champion - STANFORD FOOTBALL over Baylor...too much STANFORD FOOTBALL.  I have it on good authority that we're going to get 15 straight STANFORD FOOTBALL games this Fall.


Nibbles: Auburn - Auburn faces much less competition in the SEC West due to Alabama losing 2/3rd’s of their defense and starting quarterback. Ole Miss should challenge, while A&M takes a step back. The SEC title game should be a cakewalk with the East still being weak.
Florida State - The conference schedule is pathetic with only one ranked opponent in Clemson. Oklahoma State and Notre Dame add some non-conference strength, but neither have the horses to keep up with an offense of Winston, Karlos Willliams, Rashad Greene, and Nick O’Leary. The defense returns 6 starters from last year with experience to fill the gaps.
Michigan State - The conference schedule works well for MSU, getting Michigan and OSU at home. Playing at Eugene in Week 3 will tell us everything we need to know about the Spartans this year. I’m putting my money on the offense moving the ball better this year with 7 of 11 returning starters (including Cook and Langford). The defense lost 6 to graduation, but returns the nation’s best defensive end in Shlique Calhoun as well as half of last year’s No Fly Zone secondary that ranked #3 in pass defense.
Oklahoma - The out of conference is a cakewalk with Louisiana Tech, Tulsa, and Tennessee. In conference ranked opponents include Kansas State and Baylor. The team returns most of the defense as well as Trevor Knight who comes off of a huge performance against Alabama in the Sugar Bowl. 4 out of 5 offensive lineman return, paving the way for an easy path to the playoff.
National Champion – Oklahoma. I would expect a Florida State / Michigan State matchup with FSU’s balanced offense having no trouble in moving the ball enough to outpace MSU’s conservative offense. The FSU defense returns too much talent and experience to give the Spartan offense room to make plays. Oklahoma will overtake Auburn with a defense that returns 9 of 11 and was ranked 22 in scoring defense last year.  A Florida State and Oklahoma matchup favors Oklahoma whose defense will be tested against the high powered offenses of the Big 12, as well as Auburn in the prior week. To pull off the upset, the offense will require as good of a performance as it showed against Auburn a year prior. The conversion of Blake Bell to TE this year will provide an additional weapon that defenses (including FSU’s) will have difficulties defending.

The Wig Master: In no particular order, the playoff teams: Florida St (sneaks in after a loss to Florida), Oregon, Alabama, and Baylor.
Oregon wins the 2014 National Championship. It’s time to finish the job for the Ducks. I am hesitant to commit, but you can only be on the doorstep for so long before you finally break on through. Besides, I am interested in what Nike has to roll out for the playoffs. Well, that’s all for me. The pleasure, once again, GMoney, was all mine. See you all on Full Beer Day, January 1, 2015.

Great work, gentlemen, but it's time for me to drop trou on you and make some money.  Yes, peeps, it is the return of the MAC Glory Hole of the Week!  If you doubt my superpower of predicting MAC football games against the spread then you must hate winning 74% of your bets.  Yes, I went 10-3.5 last year.  Not sure what the half was for but I'll take it.  To start off the season right, we must pick against a team that has 14 freshmen on their two deep including a true freshman QB.  That's why I'm taking Purdue -10 at home vs. Western Michigan.  Purdue was awful last year but Darrell Hazell can coach and getting off to a good start in 2014 will be big.  They take care of the Broncos easily on Saturday.  But if they don't, WHOA, he's going to be on a hot seat already.

I'll be in Oxford tomorrow enjoying the shit out of life and taking my kid to her first football game.  MUCK FARSHALL.  But before we get to that...BEAT DEFIANCE!  C-A-T-S C-A-T-S C-A-T-S CA-TS CATS CATS CATS!  That's how we rip off a set of Cat-Jacks on the internet, bitch.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

CFB Preview Day 4: The Heisman Trophy

Timmy Tenor holding more baby back ribs
Even though he hasn't been around much this week, it is important to remember that The Iceman is a moron. He loves spouting off about how meaningless and OVERRATED The Heisman Trophy is but he's wrong. Look, it is the most important and exclusive and, dare I say, TRANSCENDENT trophy that a single athlete can win in ANY sport. Average sports fans forget about gold medal winners and MVPs but the Heisman lasts forever. Unless you are Reginald Bush LULZ! Today, our panel of experts predicts this year's Heisman Winner who will hopefully not get investigated for rape during the season as well as showcase some of the more underrated college football analysts. They aren't all brain-dead slobs like Matt Millen who keeps getting cushy jobs.

Li'l Strut: Heisman WinnerNick Marshall, Sr. QB, Auburn. Jameis Winston will not win it again, because he will be held to a ridiculously high standard. Bryce Petty will get dinged for playing a terrible schedule and will embarrassingly lose a game he should win. Marcus Mariota will get beat in embarrassing fashion by STANFORD FOOTBALL late in the season. With RB Tre Mason gone, Nick Marshall will be relied upon to run and throw a lot more. In Auburn’s offense and with Auburn’s deep WR group, this should not be a problem. I expect him to run for around 1,200 and 15 TDs and to throw for around 3,000 and 30 TDs en route to the Heisman.
Most Underrated Analyst – Chris Spielman. Only a few years ago I was not a fan, but he has grown on me. I find he gives good, unbiased, unfiltered analysis and he is not afraid to call a player or a coach out. On a side note, his broadcast partner Sean McDonough is the worst!

Damman: Heisman Winner – Jameis Winston. It was only a matter of time before Archie’s feat was matched. FSU plays enough high profile games (Okie St, ND, Clemson, Florida) to have his Heisman moment and they play in a garbage conference where he can put up crazy numbers. That and Florida St is loaded and will be the best team all year. All things point to Jameis winning again. All the crab legs jokes have been played out.
Most Underrated Analyst – Danny Kanell. He flies under the radar a bit. I think he usually does the crappy Mountain West Friday night games but I’m not sure. I enjoy his work though.

Drew: Heisman Winner - Bryce Petty, QB, Baylor. He's going to put up insane numbers this year...win a lot of games...and the press will like that he came back to school (even though he should have). Jameis isn't going to tie Archie as GOAT because the press isn't going to vote again for someone the public finds to be so unlikable.
Most Underrated Analyst - Chris Spielman. Call me a homer for this one if you want, but the guy is an awesome analyst and I think is one of the best in all of football. He's also not biased at all. I find him to be very enjoyable to listen to when breaking down what's going on in the game.

Larry: Heisman Winner - Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon. Everyone knows the numbers that Mariota and the Ducks offense will be ridiculous this year. Mariota will avoid the let down game this year and win the Heisman this year. Braxton and Winston will be invited but it will be Mariota winning.
Most Underrated Analyst – Mike Mayock. Not sure if he is considered underrated but I love Mike Mayock. He currently does Notre Dame games on NBC and Thursday Night Football on the NFL Network. He is NOT a Notre Dame homer which I like and the way he breaks down the game make him ELITE.

G$: Heisman Winner - Bryce Petty, QB, Baylor.  I agree with Drew.  The numbers will be insane and all he has to do is beat a Bob Stoops-coached team in a big game (not hard).  There is no way that Jameis is winning again.
Most Underrated Analyst - Danny Kanell.  I think that he has passed Jesse "STANFORD FOOTBALL" Palmer in ESPN's mind.  He's just really good at his job

Nibbles: Heisman Winner - Melvin Gordon III, RB, Wisconsin. Running over LSU in the season opener will shoot Gordon immediately up in the Heisman rankings. The rest of the schedule will be easy enough to allow plenty of 200 yard plus games. Wisconsin misses out on Michigan State and Ohio State, giving Gordon plenty of opportunities to pad stats until the Big Ten Conference game. If Gordon has a big game against the winner of Michigan State / Ohio State in Indianapolis, it’ll be the last piece he needs to win the award.
Most Underrated Analyst – Chris Spielman. Spielman finds a way to describe complex schemes in the game in simple terms so that even your wife can understand. At times he can come across as biased, but nowhere near the level of the Finebaums and Danielson’s of the football world. If Blackledge ever decides to frequent Signatures in Gahanna for Taste of the Town, he’ll immediately overtake Spielman.

The Wig Master: Heisman Winner - Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon. We are in the middle of another QB Heisman winning streak. So, we need to identify the best QB out there. I believe Mariota is that explosive talent that will capture the votes this year. He has the west coast time slot working against him, but he has a few shots at some really good teams in order to put up numbers that actually matter (not just the inflated ones). I say it is Mariota’s to lose.
Most Underrated Analyst - Todd Blackledge. When the Money Man asked for the most underrated analyst, the first name was Blackledge. He is quite tolerable with no real cringe-worthy antics. His voice is almost angelic, and he can be rather insightful. And Taste of the Town is something I can support. No way is it Matt Millen. My dad still believes that Barry Sanders retired early because he knew Millen was coming to the front office some three years down the road.

That was fun.  You know what else is fun?  THE SEASON STARTS TONIGHT!  BOOM!  Tomorrow we will close out the week in style by predicting the four team playoff and national champion!  Should I also mention that the first MAC Glory Hole of the Week will also be unveiled?  I probably should because that beautiful bitch hit at over 80% last year.  Enjoy the start of the college football season, h-mos!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

CFB Preview Day 3: The TAEKS!

Uhhhhh, someone show these eggheads how to celebrate.
While we all still try to digest Brady Hoke's BANANAS decision to start a true freshman at LT (just kidding, who cares?), it is time for us to power through the halfway point of College Football Preview Week. The only way to get over the hump IMO is to go strong with the takes. Since this used to be the day that we always read about Duke Football, can we please have a moment of silence for that annual prediction.

Thank you. On with the hot, bold, and spicy takes!

Li'l Strut: 1. Iowa wins the B1G West. The Hawkeyes avoid the top B1G East teams in Penn State, Michigan State, Michigan and Ohio State this year and do not play top B1G West opponents Wisconsin and Nebraska until the last two games of the season (both games are at home).With some key talent returning, its highly possible that Iowa wins a tiebreaker from a head to head win against Wisconsin or Nebraska heads to the B1G Championship. If this happens, Iowa would foolishly make Kirk Ferentz the highest paid coach in the nation.
2. Marshall Goes Undefeated and goes to a “New Year’s Six” Bowl (Formerly BCS Bowl): Marshall returns a ton of offensive firepower from a team that averaged 42.1 ppg last year. It also has 8 defensive starters returning. Combine that with the fact that the Thundering Herd plays in C-USA and you have a recipe for an unbeaten season and a New Year’s Six berth.
3. Ohio State’s Defense will have 50+ Sacks this year: This may not seem bold, considering the Buckeyes had 42 sacks last year, but when you consider the highest sack total in FBS was 44, it’s a bolder prediction than it seems. Ohio State may have the best defensive line in the country with each DE and one of its DTs being pegged as future first round NFL Draft Picks.

Damman: 1. UCLA will make the playoffs. I don’t know how bold this is but I don’t think people know much about UCLA even though they are ranked #7 in the preseason. I really like Jim Mora and quarterback Brett Hundley. They should handle USC and Arizona St in the South Division and just need to get past Oregon/STANFORD FOOTBALL in the North and I like them to do that. Hundley is going to light it up this year.
2. There will be as much controversy this year in the playoff selection as there was in any year of the BCS. I could see Alabama or Auburn not winning the SEC West and still getting into playoffs (not saying that’s going to happen, just saying there’s a good chance). I think there will be 2 undefeated major conference champions and then four or five deserving 1 loss major conference teams. It’s going to be chaos and it’s going to be great.
3. Navy will win 10 games this year. It just so happens that they play Ohio State in the opener (they’ll lose that one obvs) so that should help out the Buckeyes nicely come playoff time. But seriously, they play Ohio State and Notre Dame, and should be favored in the rest of their 10 games. I predict they’ll win all 10.

Drew: 1. Some sort of bad scandal is going to hit the Ole Miss football program during this season and it will result in current players losing eligibility during the season.
2. Alabama loses @ Tennessee this year.....Tennessee isn't even in the top 40.
3. Joey Bosa wins the Ted Hendricks Award (best defensive lineman in college football) as a true sophomore.

Larry: 1. Everett Golson will be invited to the Heisman presentation in New York.
2. Bob Stoops and Oklahoma makes the four team playoff but loses to Bama.
3. Texas bounces back with Charlie Strong and goes 10-2 with a loss against Oklahoma in the Red River Rivalry.

G$: 1. Jerry Kill will have at least two game day seizures but will still hold onto his job as if nothing happened.  The Minnesota brass will secretly pray for him to retire but he won't because he gives no fucks.
2. Penn State will beat Ohio Buckeyes by double digits.  They didn't forget about that 500 point beating last year in Columbus and neither did the Sandusky-supportin' fans.  A guy like James Franklin won't let them forget that either.
3. Bob Stoops will blow it somehow.  Whoops--that isn't a hot take or a bold prediction.  How about this: The Miami RedHawks, fresh off an ELITE 0-12 season, will be bowl eligible.  Andrew Hendrix may not supplant BG's Matt Johnson for First Team All-MAC QB, but he will be 2nd team.
BONUS! Nibbles will not be asked back next year.  If you have 4 hours, see below.

Nibbles: 1. The best quarterback in the SEC is a sophomore in Columbia, Missouri. Maty Mauk will challenge Nick Marshall and Bo Wallace for the title of SEC’s best quarterback in 2014. While Marshall is by far the best athlete playing quarterback, Mauk’s ability to pass and read beyond the first and second progressions is unmatched. Wallace has and will rely on surrounding talent to make plays. As a freshman, Mauk nearly took down South Carolina after filling in for an injured James Franklin, taking the game into 2 overtimes. The rest of the field is either experienced garbage or just inexperienced:
o Alabama: Jacob Coker
o Florida: Jeff Driskel
o Georgia: Hutson Mason
o Kentucky: Maxwell Smith
o Vanderbilt: Patton Robinette
o South Carolina: Dylan Thompson
o Tennessee: Justin Worley
o Arkansas: Brandon Allen
o LSU: Anthony Jennings
o MSU: Dak Prescott
o A&M: Kenny Hill

2. The best conference this year is far and away the PAC-12. Although overrated at #7, the resurgence of UCLA helps tremendously. Oregon and Stanford Football will rival Auburn and Alabama as the top two in the conference. Both PAC-12 teams return more on defense, as well as returning stronger candidates at skill positions on offense. On paper, the second tier teams in the SEC (Ole Miss, South Carolina, and Georgia) seem to get the nod over PAC-12 (UCLA, USC , and Arizona State). Both Carolina and Georgia lose long time signal callers as well as star power on defense. UCLA, USC, and ASU all return Brett Hundley, Cody Kessler, and Taylor Kelly (all QB’s with high passer rating and with TD to INT ratios of at least 3-1.
3. Notre Dame misses a bowl game. The schedule is very difficult this year with what are 5 sure fire losses
(Stanford, UNC, Florida State, Arizona State, USC). Between Michigan, Navy, Northwestern, and Louisville (Petrino’s back), I see two upset losses. The team only returned 10 of 22 starters from last season (if you count Golson), and that’s before the academic scandal, which claimed two more of those starters.
4? Wisconsin will upset LSU on August 30th. Melvin Gordon III will have a chance to kick start his Heisman campaign against a young defense. Joel Stave returns as well as 4 of 5 offensive linemen. The defense must replace the entire front seven which could provide problems against LSU returning most of their offensive line. However, LSU’s loss of all skill players from last year should make it easier on Wisconsin’s defense.
5? Ole Miss will upset Alabama on October 4th. Hugh Freeze has reeled off top 10 recruiting classes for the past several years. Much of that talent has made its way into the depth chart, including a handful of Nkemdiche’s. 9 of 11 return on defense with half the offense returning at the right positions. The game is played at Biloxi this year with Bama starting a QB with zero reps to his name.
6!!! Brian Kelly gets fired before season’s end. Coupled with the poor season performance and last year’s academic fraud with Golson, it’s going to become apparent at some point that Kelly has had direct knowledge of the blatant cheating going on.(ed. note: when I say, I mean three!)

The Wig Master: 1. I have upsets penciled in for two of the early-season favorites. First, Ol Rocky Top will head into Norman on September 13th and take down the Sooners.
2. The season will end on November 29th with the Gators beating the Seminoles in Tallahassee and Muschamp will preserve his job status.
3. Here’s a hot take, Marshall will roll into Oxford this weekend and drop 60-plus on the Redhawks. Now, these things may or may not happen, I have a lot of whisky in me right now; however, I did accurately predict that Mrs. Doubtfire 2 would never be made.

So, who hates Nibbles?  6 predictions?  Jesus, that's the behavior of someone who volunteers to lead up-downs.  That is the kind of thing that gets one fired around here.  Short and strong and to the fucking point, bro!  We hand out the Heisman tomorrow as well as give props to our favorite, underrated analysts (David Pollack need not apply).

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

CFB Preview Day 2: Flexing Our Muscles!

Thumbs Up Danario Alexander!  Never Forget.
Now that we have the "ratings" done for the week, it's time for our cast of contributors to showcase their genius and teach us all something.  In the past, when I've asked them for a "player to watch", it is a chance to remind everyone how smart you are.  It isn't a time to say "BROXTON MILNER!" because everyone that comes here know who he is.  So today, we line up and give the world our players that you probably have never heard of that you may want to keep an eye on PLUS our picks for coaches on the way to the offseason bread lines. And if you are confused by the Danario Alexander picture/reference, it's cool.  Years ago, GSaul named him his Player To Watch even though he was already in the NFL.  LULZ were had.  On with the show...


Li'l Strut: Player to Watch – Laquon Treadwell, Soph. WR, Ole Miss. Treadwell lead the Rebels in receptions last year while nickel and diming in the slot and flying under the radar. This year, he will be the featured wideout in an offense that returns a 3,300+ yard passer. A few big games against SEC West heavyweights could make him a household name.
Coach That Will be Fired – Will Muschamp, Florida. After going 4-8 last year, Muschamp is on a short leash. Making matters worse, the Gators have the difficult task of heading to Alabama and hosting LSU in crossover games. Mix that with games against Georgia, South Carolina, and going on the road to Florida State and it looks like 7-5 might be UF’s ceiling, which is not likely to cut it for Muschamp.

Damman: Player to Watch – Derrick Henry, RB, Alabama. At 6’3, 238 lbs, this guy is a freak that reminds me of Eddie Lacy only bigger. He didn’t do much during his first year last year, but he exploded in the Sugar Bowl with a 61 yard TD catch and a 43 yard TD run. Look for a breakout season from this guy. Dontre Wilson is my 2nd pick.
Coach That Will Be Fired – Tim Beckman, Illinois. I’d love to say Bert Bielema but I think he gets one more year of being terrible before his seat gets hot. Brady Hoke could get some votes here as he has led Michigan guns blazing into mediocrity, but they wouldn’t fire him during the season as Michigan and their fans are cool with being mediocre. So I’ll go with Tim Beckman at Illinois. Words cannot express how terrible Illinois has been the last two years under Beckman. They’ve won one conference game in 2 years (20-16 over a 1-11 Purdue team last year). The offense hasn’t been terrible but the defense has been atrocious. 35 points allowed per game and 482 yards allowed per game. I don’t see things improving much here as they have to go to Nebraska, Wisconsin and Ohio State this year. So, yeah, he gone.

Drew: Player to Watch - Speedy Noil, WR, Texas A&M. I like to keep this category to a TRUE FRESHMAN....young boys...just like how Ape likes em'. The player to look out for this year is SPEEDY NOIL...he's a true frosh WR for Texas A&M. This kid is an absolute freak with his speed and moves.....and he sounds like he can barely speak English when you hear him interviewed, so you know he's gonna do some wild shit.
Coach That Will Be Fired – Tim Beckman, Illinois. This guy is just awful...his program is horrendous and he has no likable features. Well, except sending his entire coaching staff to PSU to recruit their players when the shit hit the fan there....that still makes me chuckle. I don't see any way he keeps his job after another awful year.

Larry: Player to Watch – Greg Bryant, RB, Notre Dame. I volunteered to do this for one reason and that was to bring my Notre Dame bias to the blog. I am pretty sure everyone on this site hates Notre Dame but that is to be expected from mouth breathing Ohio fans. Bryant is a Sophomore who saw limited action his freshman year due to a knee injury. He is 100% healthy now and with the great combination of speed and strength people should expect a big year and career out of him.
Coach That Will Be Fired – Will Muschamp, Florida. Muschamp is entering his fourth year with the Gators and has done nothing in his first three years. Following in the footsteps of a coach who won two National Titles is never easy but the fact that Muschamp has not even played in a conference championship his why he is guaranteed to get fired after another mediocre season in 2014.

G$: Player to Watch - Chuckie Keaton, QB, Utah State. This was Nibbles' pick to click last year (in the comments) before the guy tore his ACL against BYU but he is BACK and arguably the most exciting player in the country.  If you are a lame-o that stays home on Friday nights (/raises hand), I'm sure that the Aggies are on ESPN every week and you should watch.  Keaton is fantastic.  I would even go as far as to say that he is a dark horse to get invited to NYC for the Heisman.  But that's because he's black.
Coach That Will Be Fired - Dana Holgerson, West Virginia.  The coach with the best skullet in football has been a pretty gigantic failure ever since he stole Bill Stewart's job and then killed him.  One more year at the bottom of the Big 12 (definitely coming) and Holgerson can go back to his full-time job of stealing bottles of booze from casinos.  Everything about this paragraph is ELITE.

Nibbles: Player To Watch - Leonard Fournette, RB, Louisiana State. LSU loses leading rusher Jeremy Hill to the NFL and returns two senior RB’s who have played RB by committee roles, backing up a younger Jeremy Hill. Look for the #1 recruit in the class of 2014 to have an instant impact in the offense this year.
Coach That Will Be Fired - Brady Hoke, Michigan. I’m going to go with the easy answer. Hoke’s third year at Michigan carried the same record as Rich Rodriguez’s, yet somehow he’s been given the opportunity to enter into his fourth year. The guy stepped into a system that was improving under Rodriguez, found a way to take RR’s players to the Orange Bowl in his first year, and slowly replace said players with his own recruits and regress each year. The season opener allows Michigan to even up their all-time series with Appalachian State (LOL), before a trip to Notre Dame. Losses to ND, PSU, MSU, and OSU, with a bowl win this year will leave Michigan at 9-4, but Hoke without a job. This all of course assumes the Michigan staff still values beating your rivals.

The Wig Master:
Player to Watch - Matt Johnson, QB, BGSU. Let’s get a little MACtion in! Mr. Johnson is going to be fo’ real for a BG squad that should breeze through the MAC this year. Last year Matt threw for 3400 yards, 25 TDs, and had 5 TDs on the ground, and he also shredded N. Illinois in the MAC Championship. This season Matt gets to play under new head coach Dino Babers who is black and will bring an up-tempo offense that should mean even flashier numbers for Johnson. If you don’t know, now you know.
Coach That Will Be Fired - Kyle Flood, Rutgers. Flood has been at Rutgers for ten years now, and head coach for two. On paper, he looks like the long-term guy. However, year two under Flood was a step backwards. After a nine win inaugural season, Flood and the Knights only managed six wins last year. Year three looks like a nightmare for Rutgers. The school steps up its competition and starts play in the Big Ten. In a four game stretch Flood will face Michigan, Ohio State, Nebraska and Wisconsin…welcome to the party for shit’s sake. Rutgers bowl streak, eight in nine years, should be snapped this year and painfully. Flood will be job hunting in 2015.

By the sound of it, there are going to be quite a few job openings in the Big Ten this Winter.  Stay away from Chuck Martin!  Tomorrow, bring your big boy pants because we have 7 experts unloading creamy, hot takes on the world.  It could get steamy.

Monday, August 25, 2014

CFB Preview Day 1: The Ratings!

Americans will never forget where they were when Bo and Faux became one
Hello again everyone and welcome back to this site's signature week: College Football Preview Week.  It's when we let the inmates run the asylum and there will be rapes.  We may have lost GSaul this year (joined David Cutcliffe's staff probably) but we replaced him with two eager beavers, Nibbles and Larry.  That gives us a whopping SEVEN contributors now which is pretty much 90% of our daily readership!  We start this week off how we always start it off...with our OVERRATED and underrated teams for the 2014 college football season.  Enjoy!

Li'l Strut: OVERRATED – Notre Dame. The Fighting Irish are ranked 17th in the Preseason Coaches Poll. The Irish lost a lot of talent last year, particularly in its defensive front seven, which was its strength. ND is also losing a number of key players to suspension for academic fraud. Looking at Notre Dame’s schedule, its ceiling is seems to be 9-3 with losses against Michigan (which ND always plays poorly against), Stanford, and at Florida State. It has four other games it could easily lose to Navy, Northwestern, at Arizona State and at USC. 7-5 and a finish outside the top 25 seem more realistic for this year’s Notre Dame Team.
Underrated – Ole Miss. The Rebels showed flashes of potential last year against some of the better SEC Teams on its way to finishing 8-5 in the brutal SEC West. Ole’ Miss returns a lot of experience this year, including its starting QB and talent from a top 10 2013 recruiting class to fill in the gaps left by departures. With its favorable home schedule and ranked 19th in the Preseason Coaches Poll, expect Ole Miss to finish near or within the top 10.

Damman: OVERRATED – Ole Miss. Sorry not buying the hype of the past couple recruiting classes (cheaters). If they weren’t in the SEC, they wouldn’t be ranked this high. The schedule is not very forgiving either. They play Boise St in the non-conference and then have to travel to LSU and A&M in conference. They do get Alabama and Auburn at home but they are 2-18 against those two teams the last 10 years. They’ll be lucky to have a winning season.
Underrated – Oklahoma State. Obviously, opening up with Florida State is going to be a tough one, but after that, they don’t play a road game until Oct. 11. They have do have to travel to Baylor and Oklahoma and they lost a lot from last year, but I think this is a 9 win team. They’ve won at least 8 games in each of the last 6 years. For them to not even be ranked is hard to believe. Plus, for some reason, I always enjoy watching Oklahoma State play. They’re never boring. It all adds up to them being underrated.

Drew: OVERRATED - Sparty. Much to the delight of people here, I'm going to set myself up to look stupid...but, I'm picking MICHIGAN STATE. Why? Because simply they were a team of destiny last year and I don't see that happening again. They are starting out in the top 8 in the nation, but I see losses @ Oregon, vs. Ohio State and wait for it.........@ Penn State in the final game of the year. They just do not recruit enough ELITE talent to restock a team to be ELITE in back to back years.
Underrated - The Fifth Quarter. Sticking B1G here.....WISCONSIN. They start the season off at LSU....but, I think they run the table until the B1GCG. That side of the B1G is closer to the MAC than it is the SEC. I think Anderson is a pretty awesome coach and look for them to run the table until meeting the Buckeyes in Indy.

Larry: OVERRATED – Auburn. The AP Poll has Auburn at #5 after a season that they lost in the National Championship game against FSU. Last year success was partly due to their strong running game and partly due to luck. They will not have the same fortune in 2014 and I predict at least 3 loses (@Bama, LSU, @Georgia).
Underrated – Stanford. Stanford is just outside of the top 10 which is too low for a team that plays STANFORD FOOTBALL. Stanford had three loses last year by a combine total of 13 points. Stanford had 3 tough road games against ND, UCLA and Oregon but I only see them losing one of those (to ND of course) and finish the season in the top five.

G$: OVERRATED - Ohio Buckeyes. I'm just not seeing it. Yes, I know who the coach is, who the opponents are, and the talent on the roster. I get that. Here is also what I know: a soft-ass QB coming off of shoulder surgery and a penchant for missing games with no Kenny G to bail him out anymore, absolutely no one half as good as Carlos Hyde between the tackles, replacing 80% of the offensive line which is a HUGE fucking deal, a shitty defense that lost two first round picks and is expected to be better (?!?!?!?!), and Luke Fickell. Those are A LOT of unknowns. Maybe it works out and they run the table. I don't know. But I wouldn't bet on it. I'd bet on 2-3 losses. (ed. note: I wrote this at least a week before the Broxton news and I'm sticking with it, breh)
Underrated - Nebraska. There is a decent (OK, small) chance that they could have the Big Ten Defensive and Offensive Players of the Year (Randy Gregory and Saddam Abdullah). Plus, I'm really enjoying this character development for Bo Pelini. Bringing that cat on the field during the Huskers Spring Game is something that an ELITE person does.

Nibbles: OVERRATED – UCLA. Brett Hundley is very good, but leading your team in rushing last year with just under 600 yards, while losing your leading receiver to the draft is going to create problems. The defense does return 7 of 11 starters, but lost last year’s leader in Anthony Barr. There’s no way this team is 4 spots better than Stanford Football. They’ll compete, but drop one they shouldn’t and find themselves 3rd or 4th in the conference’s year end standings.
Underrated – Ole Miss. Ole Miss returns 9 of 11 on defense as well as offensive stars Bo Wallace, Laquon Treadwell, and Laremy Tunsil. This team has TWO Nkemdiche’s on defense which is two more Nkemdiche’s than any other team. The schedule will get brutal in the middle of the year with a five week stretch against Alabama, A&M, Tennessee, LSU, and Auburn. I expect the Rebels to go 3-2 against that stretch, finish the season 10-2 going into the bowl season. This would warrant a ranking much higher than the AP’s preseason #18.

The Wig Master: Good morning, asshats. It’s been too long I’m glad to be back! Before the business, just one more ‘props’ to Gfunk on the new little lady. See, see, that “birds and bees” talk from Karen paid dividends.
OVERRATED - Oklahoma Sooners (AP #4). The Sooners did everyone a favor beating Alabama in the Sugar Bowl last year. This should not constitute an automatic bid into the preseason top 5 however. QB Trevor Knight had a standout performance against the Tide but it was his only note-worthy game all season. A year removed, this redshirt sophomore now has the starting spot to himself. Paired with a young group of skilled players, sounds like a whole lot of inexperience. Their defense does return eight but it is the same defense that struggled against the run in 2013.
Underrated: Ole Miss Rebels (AP #18). Ol' Bo Wallace is prepped to put up some big numbers against his SEC sister-friends. He's entering his third season as QB giving him plenty of experience, most in the conference. A couple of his favorite targets and a tandem of high producing running backs return with him. The defense returns 9 and so should round out this experienced, athletic team pretty well.

There you go.  Day 1 is in the books and if you think that the TAEKS are going to get less scorching hot as the week goes on, there's the door.  Who would have ever guessed that fucking Ole Miss would be such a polarizing team?  Until Hugh Freeze (Ice to see you!) comes out on the field with a cat or eats a plate of grass, he can get fucked IMO.  We unearth the lesser known players and fire some coaches tomorrow.  Fun!

Friday, August 22, 2014

FFF: Ask The Expert

I'm a big fan of this guy although he should have ordered a penalty shot for the one guy trying to pick Shady.
We are now smack dab in the middle of draft season and what a time to be alive!  I've got my OTHER LEAGUE draft tomorrow back in Nap (my first night away from the baby...I will not be sad!) which is always a shit show.  My favorite part is waking up the next morning and trying to read my handwriting.  Always brings the LULZ.  As a friendly calendar reminder:

G$FL Draft is MONDAY SEPTEMBER 1st at 3 pm.  Draft is at The Stube and the order has already been determined.  Ide is picking first.  I expect him to take Rams D.
MSFL Draft is TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 2nd at 9 pm EST (online).  Fuck you very much, Burke and Prime.  Making me stay up so late to draft another 14-1 championship squadron like a bunch of jerks!

Today's final installment of Fantasy Football Friday is another round of Ask The Expert.  I sought questions from Iceman and Mr. Ace.  Mr. Ace straight up ignored me.  I asked Cakes instead.  He promised and then failed to deliver on that promise like a pussy.  So Iceman is asking me three questions and I have three better questions for myself, too.  Let's roll.

Q. "If I have the #1 pick in a snake draft/snake dance (count it), who should I take between McCoy, Charles, and Peterson?"--President Obama
A. First of all, get back to work!  You take too many vacations when America needs you most!  Additional stupid complaints!  Anyway, with those three, you can't really go wrong.  I don't particularly like hearing that Charles hurt his foot moving out of the goddamn dorms but not giving him a ton of carries means that Alex Girl Hands is going to throw more and not even Andrew Reid is that stupid.  One of these days, Peterson is going to fall hard and it will probably be 2014 since he is on my LFL team.  I'd probably take Shady #1 because the one thing Chip does is run the ball like a madman.  He's got the highest ceiling AND is probably the safest pick.  Take McCoy, Barry.

Q. "Last year no one in their right mind went into draft day saying "If I don't get Andy Dalton, this season is completely fucked". Then Dalton rips off a top 5 fantasy year in most formats. WTF. So what fantasy QB is this year's Andy Dalton and why?"--Lava Girl
A. QB sleepers?  Really?  OK so the Dalton/Foles Formula seems to be "have great weapons around you and don't play a ton of tough ass defenses while not being highly valued".  Two guys seem to fit this criteria: Cutler and RG3.  After watching the Monday Nighter, there is no chance in Hell that RG3 makes it through the season in one piece simply because he is a moron when running.  Cutler is intriguing due to the weapons and pedophile calling the plays but he wasn't great with those same weapons last year.  I'm not sure that there is a Dalton Guy this season.  Maybe Dalton again?  What about Flacco?  Get a proven QB and don't try to outsmart the room (looking at you, Dut). 

Q. "It's been documented for some time now that you want sexual relations with Darren Sproles. Hard. Now behind workhorse and "best back in the NFL" (LOLOLOLOL) LeSean McCoy, it seems Sproles will have a significantly smaller fantasy role this year. What Sproles type RB is moving the needle in your pants this fantasy season?"--Randall Stevens
A. Considering that he is better than Sproles, it has to be Woodhead, right?  Absolutely no one likes starting Danny at RB2 or maybe Flex but he is a consistent producer.  He also adds a ton of grit to your fantasy team which is highly undervalued.  I'm also very intrigued to see what Todd Haley does with Dri Archer.  Probably nothing since Haley is ass at calling plays, but Archer is a guy who could dominate if they put him in the right position to succeed.  I don't think that Archer is worth a roster spot yet, but keep an eye on that fella.

Q. "Last weekend, the hot debate was over the value of Bishop Sankey.  Nibbles paid $25 for him on behalf of The Moops.  You've had a week to ponder this so was this smart, dumb, acceptable, or cromulent?  Plus, can I get another helping of Clubber's balls?"--Shook's Son
A. This was dumb.  I dug deep on this one, too, because I like Nibs and I wanted him to get the last laugh.  But it just isn't there.  Sankey hasn't played with the ones yet. He is still behind Shonn Greene on TEN's DEPF chart and the third down plays are going to Dexter McCluster and Leon Washington.  Maybe eventually Sankey is the feature back this season but it isn't now and I don't like the idea of spending 1/8th of my budget on a project.  Plus, the Titans fucking suck.

Q. "We all have our lists of "do not draft" players. Guys who, in the past, have routinely fucked us harder than black guys fucking Ide in the gym showers. Is there anyone on your past "do not draft" lists that you're starting to get sweet on or forgive enough to take a chance on?"--Will Muschamp's BFF
A. New to my DND Board this year is none other than Mr. T-Bone Romo!  I took a chance last year.  Never again.  A guy that got off is Ryan Mathews.  Maybe last year was a mirage but he was actually pretty great in 2014.  I would not be upset at all to own Mathews again.  That said, you should probably handcuff him.  Also, fuck Stevan Ridley so hard with a porcupine taped to an elephant's dick.  I'm not going to say that I want to watch Ridley die but I don't really want to see him live either.

Q. "I have pick #9 in the G$FL Draft because Ide sucks at drawing names. Can I really take Jimmy Graham at that spot?  For that matter, is Graham a first round pick?"--G$
A. Wow.  What a great question from such a wonderful husband, man, and lover.  Do I have the stones to draft a tight end in the first round and is that a smart play?  Yes.  Yes I do.  Graham is so far and away the best tight end that you have a schematic advantage over your opponent every week if he is on your team.  I mean, am I going to take the 7th best RB at 9 or the best non-Tron WR/TE in the league?  Hell, if I take Graham at 9, I can still get a top 3-4 WR coming back or a top ten RB.  Don't get bogged down by his position.  Draft him for what he does and what his peers do not do.  Well, that was dumb.  I just admitted that I'm taking Graham at 9.  Eh, fuck it.  One thing is certain: I'm done drafting QBs in the first round in that league.

Good questions today!  I hope that that helped.  Not really, I don't care.  What really matters is that I am OFF from blogging until 9/3!  Next week is our annual College Football Preview Week.  You may have heard of it.  So many strong takes.  We'll see you all on Monday morning to discuss the OVERRATED and underrated teams.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Open Forum: Sleep

Calling you out, bruh!  Sue me, too, chubs!
Ahhhh, yes, sleep.  There isn't much better than a good, long sleep.  I wouldn't know anything about this anymore but I do remember how great they are.  Once I decided to have a kid and thus become one of America's most eligible DILFs, peaceful slumbers were the trade off.  As many of us here are new parents, we know about this all too well.  They try to warn you about how much of your precious sleep will be sacrificed to your kid's eccentricities, but it is still a shock at how much you lose and even the amount that you get is shitty rest as you just wait for the next scream.

Coming on the heels of Drew's weird guest post where he asked for wet dream stories, I thought that we could talk about sleeping today.  Oh how I long for those college days where I stayed up until 2 am every night and got up at 10 am.  Now I can't even remember the last time that I wasn't up by 7:30.  Let's do this categorically and I will share my routine pre-kid:

TIMING - I have the pleasure of being a night owl and sort of a morning person.  I hardly ever go to bed before midnight but have no issue getting up in the morning either.  I must be one of those really successful business types that Colin T is always yammering on and on about.  However, if you asked me to get up at 5:30 everyday, I would straight murder you.  I'm not getting up before sunrise, bruh, so maybe I am more of a night owl.  It's still dark outside.  Stay in the sack.

DRESS - I've never understood people that wear socks or those big pajamas to bed.  Don't you get hot?  I would much rather be cold and curl up in the blankets than sweat through the sheets.  I'm a simple bro.  I rock a pair of probably-too-short basketball shorts that keeps the junk barely covered while rolling shirtless guy.  It works for me.  Those shorts would make most people vomit and the missus has asked me to throw out my "short shorts" numerous times over the years.  I will not though.  They are literally a part of me.  I can't stress this enough: they are WAY too short.  They are a few millimeters away from being booty shorts.  I'm pretty much the Nicki Minaj of my neighborhood.

STYLE - I've tried to sleep on my back but I can't.  I always start on my left side facing the window and wake up on my washboard abs.  They say that sleeping on your six pack leads to back problems so, yeah, I'm going to have back problems some day.  I also have different covers coverage depending on the season.  In the winter, I get nestled in from the start because OBVZ it's cold.  But now, hell, I haven't slept under the covers for over two months.  I sleep on top of the comforter with no blankets at all.  That probably sounds weird but geniuses such as myself tend to be a little out there.  She$ bought this body pillow to help her feel better during pregnancy.  Now it acts as a buffer zone between us.  I like it.  One day I may make it an honest body pillow.

NOISE - I need some sort of noise to fall asleep.  I can't handle dead silence.  I turn the ceiling fan on every night.  The wife hates it.  Fuck her.  We have this white noise machine for the baby and it is right next to the monitor.  I swear that that thing puts me out in seconds while the baby screams and the wife has to DEAL WITH IT.  White noise is ELITE.

BREAKS - Once I'm out, I am usually knocked the fuck out.  I might be one of the deepest sleepers in the world.  Who knows how many times I've been raped after I've fallen asleep.  My guess is "hundreds of times".  She$ is always asking me in the morning "did you hear the storm/nuclear bomb/sirens or whatever last night"?  My answer is always no.  I don't wake up for anything.  Thank God I have a decent bladder.  I couldn't imagine having to get up in the middle of the night to piss.  Being a zombie plus my terrible vision would lead to many sink/shower urinations just based on confusion alone.

NAPS - Big fan.  A good nap is always welcomed.  But I'm sort of weird about it.  If it's after 4 pm, I don't allow myself the pleasantry.  I guess I figure that bedtime is approaching and I missed my window.  How great would it be if naps had no effect on falling asleep at night?  That would be a game changer.

ALARM - I used to have John Tesh's Roundball Rock (the NBA on NBC theme) wake me up every morning.  It was a fine way to start the day.  Now I use a combo of The Iron Shiek's alarm clock app and my Sonic Boom alarm.  It doesn't get much better than Shiekie screaming "YOU WANT TO BE LEGEND LIKE ME? WAKE THE FUCK UP" at 7 am every day.  The Sonic Boom is almost a guaranteed heart attack.  It is so fucking loud.  I'd bet that my neighbors can hear it.

To be fair to the wife, she does let me sleep through the night other than if or when the dog wants to go out (always at 2:30 for some odd reason).  The baby is starting to get into a bit of a sleeping groove.  But that will change once she gets better at pumping and I can help with the nighttime feedings.  Not looking forward to that at all.  I don't want to help.  So for the time being, I will enjoy my mostly uninterrupted sleep sessions because they will be coming to a close soon.  Let's strap on our sleep apnea masks today and talk about America's actual favorite pastime: sleeping!

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Getting To Know Our New Enemy, JT Barrett!

No you do not.
It became officially official yesterday a little after noon that "Human Charlie Weis Gunt" Braxton Miller would miss all of the 2014 season due to the very common "fister's shoulder" injury.  The reaction of Ohio Buckeye fans has been fairly predictable.  Monday night, when Tim May's cornball ass broke the story, it was 100% "woe is me" and heartbreak.  And now we're back to the false and insane bravado that comes standard with all purchases of Ohio Buckeye fans.  They are a delusional lot.  They know that their already slim chances at a title this year are over.  Urban will fail again.  We all know it even if we all don't admit it.  The (shoot your) hopes and dreams of a miracle season now fall on the young shoulders of redshirt freshman JT Barrett.  Who is JT Barrett?  I'm glad that you asked!  How about some fun JT Barrett FACTS?

1. It does not appear that he is on Twitter.  Hmmm, that really hampered my research.  I was really hoping for some hot Ferguson, MO takes from the young lad that would make it seem like he wants all cops to die.  But I shall go wanting.

2. Up until Monday, he was battling Cardale Jones for the back-up QB job.  Cardale Jones is pretty bad and openly complained about being a student last year.  This isn't a good start.

3. Barrett had offers from LSU, Ole Miss, Arizona, Illinois, and Kansas State (probably others, too).  A man's man does not stiff Lester Miles AND Rich Rodriguez.  What a scumbag. 

4. He was a four star recruit out of Wichita Falls, TX.  I wonder if Wichita Falls is as neutral and unbiased as regular Wichita. 

5. Tom Herman says that his arm blows. He might as well.  When you openly say that the kid needs better arm STREMPH, you might as well just announce that you are running the wishbone.  You have to admit, it takes some balls to put a QB in there that can't throw.  Classic Urban Meyer!

6. Barrett has been arrested multiple times for selling drugs to police officers.  Not even undercover cops.  He just walks up to squad cars with bags of dope.  This section may not be true. 

7. JT redshirted last season due to knee surgery.  Well, if anyone knows a thing or two about QBs that are always hurt, it is this program!  I am not sure if he ever required a ride from the field to wherever in an ambulance though.

8. His actual name is John Thomas Barrett which is disappointing because I was hoping the JT would be more Key and Peele-like.  I'm pretty sure that he was named after Home Improvement star and 90's teenage heart-throb Jonathon Taylor Thomas.  What happened to that guy?  Tim Allen probably snorted him.

9. Ohio Buckeye fans are known for churning out the dumbest nicknames (have never come up with a good one).  The only decent option for JT Barrett is to steal from the WWE and call him Bad News Barrett.  You could even give him that stylish cape.  If I see a QB on the sideline in between series wearing a cape then you have my interest for life.

10. For as much as we like to rag on Broxton Milner around here for being a bitch, he might be the most valuable player in the country.  Ohio was in good shape to possibly do something this season but only if he stayed upright.  Now, who the fuck knows?  I'm sure that Barrett will be annoyingly efficient but that's hardly a lock.  The only GUARANSHEEDs for the 2014 Ohio Buckeyes is that you should definitely not be betting on their games and that they will have to lean on FagNasty Fickell's mediocre defense even more.  That is a terrifying thought.  Not for me though.  I heart everything about this.

BONUS! Wears #16 to honor Ryan Leaf!

So there you go...a little taste of the new Big Man On Campus in Columbus.  JT Barrett has gone from scout team to starter for a top 5 team in less than a week.  That's quite the leap.  I haven't seen a depth chart move like that since the Snizzity plucked Big Rex out of a mail bag and rode his ass to the regional finals!  Fuck Ohio.  You shit-stacks and Captain Dildo deserve this.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Fantasy Football And Huge Pussies


Pussytown, USA.  Population 1.



Fuck it.  We're full blown fantasy football mode and that's what most people want to talk about anyway.  So today is open forum day on two topics that have been dominating my personal headlines.  First:

If you are mathematically eliminated from playoff contention in your fantasy (keeper) league, is it perfectly acceptable to tank the remainder of your games to secure the first pick for next season?  Or, are you an unethical twat that needs a lesson in fantasy integrity?

This topic just won't seem to go the fuck away in one of my keeper leagues.  The origin of this exhausting discussion came last year when one team missed on a first round playoff bye because another team benched their entire roster for the last 2 regular season games so they would be guaranteed first pick.  (We now know that pick this year will be LeSean McCoy)

My stance is and always will be this simple.  As long as there is not obvious collusion happening when tanking your final games for draft position; it is your money, your team and you are free to run it however the fuck you please.

There are league members saying that it's "unfair" to teams trying to get into the playoffs if the tanking team happens to be playing someone who needs to lose.  I don't fucking care.  I didn't put MY money in to help YOUR team make the playoffs.  I am not purposely fucking myself out of the highest possible draft pick next season to help your team make a playoff push.  Why not you may ask?  Simple.  Am I getting a cut of the money I helped you win by getting your mediocre team into the playoffs?  Fuck no I'm not.  So you can eat my shit.

The fact is if you handle your own business during the regular season and get yourself into the playoffs then you won't have to rely on other teams to get you somewhere you probably shouldn't be in the first place.  As long as I check my lineup every week and as long as I'm not singling out one person to fuck over in a personal vendetta by benching my team, I feel I can do whatever the fuck I want with the team my money purchased.

Second:

In another keeper league I'm in, there is an owner back and forth on keeping Doug Martin.  The big 3 QBs are being kept, the top 5 WRs are being kept and the top 6 RBs are being kept.  The first two teams drafting are keeping no one from their roster and the person with Martin drafts 6th.  What do you do?

This was a tough one for me and I really didn't have a good answer for him.  I'm not normally one to actively assist another league member like this but this dilemma has me very intrigued.  Do you keep Martin, pull out your nuts and hope for the best?  Or do you let Martin go and chance building a team around a couple RB2's at best?

My advice was let Martin go and see what falls to him.  But it's not something I'm 100% on.  More like 60-40.  On one hand I can see keeping Martin (especially now that one of the guys who is supposedly supposed to steal carries is pretty much gone for the year) based on high hopes he returns to rookie form and last year being a fluke.  But on the other hand I can see Martin busting hard and completely flat lining this guy's fantasy team making him a fantasy corpse by week 6.  Tough call, IMO, but I don't think you keep Martin this year.

That's it today.  I'm glad Oprah's pussy got some love in the labels today.  It's gonna be a lot of fantasy football and college football going forward so if you don't like it, GTFO.  Tanking and Doug Martin on the table today.  Discuss.  Oh yeah...and don't forget to LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL at all the Ohio Buckeyes as well.  Sounds like Broxton Milner could be missing the entire season from a shoulder injury.  Like I said on Twitter, I would feel bad if the Ohio Buckeye fans weren't the worst.  Feels kinda right, doesn't it?

Monday, August 18, 2014

Complimenting Notre Dame? WTF?

Only a true Michigan Man would greet a rape victim that committed suicide
As we all celebrate the greatness of Saturday's LFL Draft and my incredibly ELITE team (Breesus AND All Day!), it's important to focus on what is really important...scandal at Notre Dame!  YES!  What is better than Brian Kelly and those sanctimonious, greedy priests eating shit?  Not much IMO.  Friday evening, Jack Swarbrick and Father Jenkins stood in front of the microphones, answered exactly zero questions, and said that the school was investigating academic fraud.  Four (black) players have been suspended from the team at the time of this post until the case is resolved.

First things first...LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!  FUCK YOU, NOTRE DAME!  You are always cheatin' and being bad at it!  At least your red-faced troll coach can use this as an excuse for your forthcoming 7-5 season!  How many students will die to make up for this?

Secondly, good for them.  Yes, I said it and I mean it.  I may be old-fashioned here but I will not apologize for that: college football players are asked to do so very little.  You play your ass off and you take the bare minimum amount of classes to stay eligible so that you can keep playing your ass off.  If you can't even handle that then go fuck yourself.  Yes, the notion of the "student-athlete" has lessened drastically over the years.  Hell, you don't even have to be able to read to play at Mississippi State.  But I like the few programs that still take the classroom seriously.  I like that a few schools still want to be an institution for higher learning as opposed to a football factory.  The FACT that Stanford Football can maintain their high standards while also playing STANFORD FOOTBALL (most of the time, right, Jesse?) in a way makes them one of the most impressive programs in the country.

I get it.  This is a really outdated way of thinking but Commenter Daniel will likely back this up: it isn't that hard to go to class and do your homework while also playing football at the FBS level.  This is just one more reason why college athletes shouldn't be paid.  When you give them an inch, they will ALWAYS take a mile.  These four kids from Notre Dame likely had a little help on one assignment at some point and then eventually found the right people that would just do it for them. And now they will leave South Bend maybe never to return.  College football players should be treated like children. It's OK to give them a small allowance/stipend but you don't ever just hand them your wallet.  Why?  Because they can't be trusted.  FACT.

So good for Notre Dame.  For as holier than thou as they always act (and Holy Hell on Sundays, eh, Gordo...DERP!), at least they sometimes back it up.  They don't give a fuck about human life but don't you dare disrespect Economics class!  There's nothing wrong with having high standards.  Plus, it usually results in mediocre football teams and that is always welcomed.

One more thing: can someone who follows what is going on with the Power 5 conferences actually walk us through what it all means?  I keep hearing that the Big 'Uns are slowly but surely booting the Bottom 6 from having any decision-making power at all but what does that mean?  If you are going to sit here and tell me that the Big 5 programs are only going to play other Big 5 programs and freeze the others out then LULZ to you.  That isn't going to happen ever and I don't care what Geno Smiff and Captain Dildo say.  You want to know the two big reasons why the SEC will never stop playing the Sun Belt?

1. Coaches and ADs like easy wins because their record means everything.  Do you really think that Tennessee wants to play an SEC schedule AND four games against other big 5 teams?  They will never be bowl eligible and everyone is going to get fired.
2. You like having 8 home games, don't you?  That is a lot of money coming in with very little risk.  Phase the MAC out of the Big Ten and enjoy playing 6 home/road games every season.  You're barely a major conference as is, try playing on the road twice as much and see how that national perceptions changes.

It sounds great and it is what fans want to hear but the little guys are going nowhere.  You pay them for the win and everybody goes home a winner.  It's been that way for years and that isn't going to change.  If you only need to win your conference to get into the playoffs (more or less), then it does no one any good to load your schedule with Washington, @ Florida, @ Kansas State, and NC State on top of the Big Ten schedule.  For as cool as the playoff is, I'm not sold that it makes teams schedule tougher in the non-con.  I guess we'll see about that.  Either way, if someone could clear up the Big 5 power move and its impact, I would appreciate it.

That will do it for me today.  If you need me, I will be tailgating for tonight's YUGE Monday Night Football Preseason Johnny Football Wankfest!  Skins gonna kill you!!! 

Friday, August 15, 2014

Fantasy Football Friday: O-VER-RATED!

"Gronk and Damman have a lot in common apparently"--what everyone is thinking
Oh baby!  After two years of shoddy commissionermanship (it was awful), the LFL once again gathers our entire brain trust and Rules Committee into one Dungeon of Doom (Dut's Den or whatever that is called) and does an actual live auction draft tomorrow.  It's been too long.  While Lange may blatantly cheat to steal my rightful titles, at least he had the balls to make everyone show up.  This is where I shine (like paint, Daddy, it's our Summer).  Online auctions are fine but it isn't the same.  Being able to Incognito the rest of the league with your ELITE bully drafting skills is such a rush.  It's like the WSOP Main Event except LFL glory means more because of Fleshlights.  I can't wait.  Golf at Royal Minerva and a Draft and a full 12 hours without hearing a baby cry...ELITE.  I can hardly contain myself.

Last week, I listed my underrated fantasy players for the upcoming season and everyone pretty much agreed with me.  That was very much unexpected but it makes sense seeing that I am never wrong.  But now let's talk about the OVERRATED players.  If you recall, this was the post in which Iceman truly embarrassed himself (but probably not as much as when LeBron signed on to come home and he whined about Cavs fans not deserving him...LOL!).

QB - Nick Foles (ESPN ranked #8 QB).  I spent a good chunk of my Wednesday morning pouring through depth charts and preseason rankings and I could not believe how much most people are buying into this guy.  THIS.  GUY.  SUCKS.  If you can't see a fluke when it is right in front of your nose then you must be more blind than me (very blind).  But what about Chip's offense, you say!  Who cares?  His offense has always been based around a fast as fuck running game.  The quarterback doesn't really matter all that much.  Who the hell is he throwing to?  Maclin is already hurt again and is a terrible #1 receiver.  Riley Cooper is awful at everything but n*****-fighting.  Jordan Maffews?  LOL!  Mark my words, Foles will blow this season and will likely get benched.  2013 Pick: Tom Brady (nailed it)

RB - Marshawn Lynch (ESPN ranked #5 RB).  Nope.  I want nothing to do with him.  It's widely known that the Seahawks are going to cut his carries way down this season which I wouldn't worry too much about because his RB brethren sort of suck.  But when was the last time that a holdout didn't completely eat shit?  It's been awhile.  Lynch has also taken quite a few hits on that uneducated body of his.  This feels like a guy that you should let others fight over.  He might be a solid running back still but I could easily see bust.  Also, don't draft Arian Foster.  2013 Pick: CJ Spiller (another win for G$)

WR - Pierre Garcon and DeSean Jackson (ESPN ranked #14 and #15 WR).  By all intents and purposes, the Redskins offense should be nearly unstoppable this season.  And that is why I am terrified.  They have fantastic weapons all over the field including Andre Roberts in the slot, Jordan Reed at TE, and AlfMo getting the bulk of the carries.  But even if it is a lethal offense, there are only so many passes to catch.  Garcon led the league in catches last season (true story!) and DeSean is a playmaker unlike anyone we've had in DC in a long time.  But they are going to cut into each others production.  I am not saying that these guys are untouchable but I think that both will have lesser numbers this season than in 2013. 2013 Pick: The Broncos Three Receivers (gonna give myself a miss on that one...yeesh)

TE - Rob Gronkowski (ESPN ranked #3 TE).  Gronk has been a staple of gonorrhea on my DFL/LFL team for the last three years.  No more.  You can't trust him to stay on the field.  If I wanted a guy that was always hurt, I would draft FagNasty.  Someone will spend gigantic money on Gronk tomorrow not realizing that he still isn't cleared for contact and guys coming off torn ACLs usually don't do much.  Try not to be that guy.  Dump him on Dut.  2013 Pick: Tony Gonzalez (must have been a good call because dude retired)

K - Kai Forbath (ESPN ranked Who Gives A Shit).  You shouldn't be drafting My Guy Kai anyway but he is probably going to lose his job and get cut anyway.  It's hard to call a kicker OVERRATED now that Nate Kaeding is retired.  OH HAMBURGERS!  2013 Pick: Mason Crosby (he has a stupid name)

DEF - Seattle (ESPN ranked #1 defense).  Don't be the guy that spend 4 bucks on a defense.  Yes, you want a good one but the difference between the #1 and #8 isn't all that great.  There is no way to tell which one will have a lot of pick sixes so just play match-ups every week and let Commenter Daniel embarrass himself by up-bidding Richard Sherman.  Last year's pick: Chicago (HIT!  They were terrible!)

Some big time names on this year's OVERRATED list.  I don't anticipate much disagreement though as all of my logic is rock solid.  What I do anticipate is me dominating the War Room tomorrow the likes of which have never been seen.  Might even steal a kidney or two.  I'll see a good chunk of you at Augusta North in the morning.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Who's Ready For Some More Hot G$ On G$ Action!

Hard to argue that!  ELITE!
Mr. Ace is still on extended UNPAID leave from here which means that you're still getting another dose of BIG BUCKS today.  Seal should be a father at this point and that is cool as Hell.  You are now the proud owner (yeah, I said it) of someone who knows nothing about how bad all of your pro sports teams are!  Anyway, I asked GMoney to fire off a 6 pack of hot topics for G$ to answer today.  The results were--dare I say--ELITE!

GMoney: How are the baby and the dog coexisting?
G$: Much better than Israel and Palestine.  Current events!  Count it!  She$ sent me a text yesterday that the baby was doing her usual morning crying session and the dog went over to her and started making some sort of noise that She$ had never heard before.  And it worked!  The baby stopped crying.  I need to see this for myself to believe it but by all accounts, the two species are becoming best buds.  Then again, my wife could be on board with #IdeLies and that would make me very sad.

GMoney: Are the Tigers in trouble?
G$: For as pathetic as they have played in August, I'm going to say "not yet".  The problem with putting all of your financial eggs in one basket (starting pitching) is that when some of those eggs break, you're really fucked.  With Sanchez out for a little while and Verlander barely being a competent 5 starter, the offense and bullpen need to pick up the slack.  But that isn't happening because Joe Nathan continues to be hot pig shit and apparently Austin Jackson was the MVP of the offense.  I would have a lot more faith in this team if they were still managed by Joe Camel instead of Assmouth but I won't right them off yet.  That said, they need to flip that switch back on ASAP.

GMoney: Should Tom Watson add Tiger Woods to the US Ryder Cup Team?
G$: There aren't many people that support Tiger louder and prouder than I do but FUCK NO he shouldn't be on the team.  He wasn't even that great of a Ryder Cup player when he was 100% healthy and now he wants to be still be on the team at about 40%?  Who the hell would you even trust him to beat?

GMoney: How about that Mo'Ne Davis?  Are you impressed?
G$: In case you missed it, Mo'Ne is a 12 year old girl who is the best player on a team from Philly heading to the LLWS.  She throws around 70 mph.  That said, so what?  Little League baseball not played at Glenwood Park is irrelevant.  Cary Kolbe/Rachel Hill/Renee Wentzel or GTFO.  Those fine ladies didn't require unnecessary apostrophes to play LL Baseball at the highest level.

GMoney: Would you ever do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge?
G$: No.  This is just like the cold water challenge from a few months ago, right?  The gist is you either donate to an ALS charity or dump a bucket of icy water on your head, I think.  I don't know...how about just donating money to a charity instead of coming up with elaborate ways to NOT donate money.  This is really stupid.  Oh sure, you might be thinking that people probably do the bucket AND donate but you know that that is not universal.  There are many people out there who are proud of themselves for just taking the ice bath and not losing any dollars.  For me, I will not help either cause.  I treat everyone equally like shit.

GMoney: Finally, why is Josh Gordon playing in preseason games?
G$: Beats the fucking hell out of me.  Shouldn't those reps be going to guys that--I don't know--might be relied upon for 8-16 games.  The best case scenario for Gordon is coming back week 9.  In other words, he isn't going to do much for the 2014 Browns if he plays at all.  So why are they putting him out there at all?  This makes no sense.

GMoney: BONUS QUESTION!  Li'l Strut, Damman, and Drew have turned in their portions for College Football Preview Week starting on 8/25.  Do you think that GSaul and The Wig Master will turn theirs in soon?
G$: No comment.

That will do it for me filling Ace's McCracken on this Thursday.  Tomorrow is OVERRATED Day for Fantasy Football Friday!  That's always a blast.  If you have any other questions to ask G$, feel free to fire away.  Just remember that there are such things as fucktarded questions.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Open Forum: The Ultimate Decision For An Ohioan

Classy numbers like 77 never get ejected
Last week, I was listening to The Fan over my lunch hour and some asshole Fuckeye fan called in with one of the most bizarre/ELITE conundrum's that I have ever heard.  This might be the ultimate White People Problem ever.

So apparently this guy works at a law firm that has tickets 13 rows up on the 50 yard line for Ohio Buckeye games at Ohio Stadium (hmmmm, I noticed that it isn't called Ohio State Stadium).  He has secured these seats for the Michigan game this season.  Let's be honest here: those are terrific seats.  High enough to see over the team and low enough to know what is going on on the sidelines.  That's going to be a pretty sick experience no matter who you are rooting for that day.

What is the problem?  The caller's wife works for some company out of Cleveland and the CEO wants those tickets.  His trade offer is courtside seats for LeBron's first home game at The Q.  Whoa!  That's quite the offer.  Even the most ardent and diehard Fuckeye or WalMart Wolverine would have to do a double-take for that proposal.  I will forever believe that there isn't a seat at a sporting event better than courtside for a basketball game.  It's a great view at all levels and ESPECIALLY for the best players in the world.

So what is this guy to do?  Let's help him out even though he does not know that this site exists which is totes his fault.  There is no way to know if either game will be any good.  It would be a lot easier if the football game was going three overtimes and you knew that ahead of time.  But we do know that this year's Michigan team has a lot better odds of going 7-5 than they do 12-0.  We also don't know who the Cavs are playing on Opening Night although rumors are that the Spurs are going to open up on the road in Cleveland (which doesn't make a ton of sense but whatever).  At a football game in the stands, you are just another fan.  Sitting courtside, you are probably eating and drinking for free (the caller said that the tickets were in the Key Club or C Club...I couldn't quite understand him but he did say that everything was comped).  It's probably going to be cold outside in late November.  At LeBron's homecoming, the temperature will be controlled (unless the A/C breaks and the Spurs cramp his style again IMO) and there will be A LOT of celebs sitting near you.  As a star-fucker, that is huge.  You could be sitting next to Johnny Football and Josh Gordon's drug dealer!

Now, obviously, since these two events are not on the same day, you could swing both if you have the funds to do so.  But for the sake of this post, let's choose one.  If you were presented with these options like this possible Ide-Liar is, which one would you pick?

Personally, it isn't tough even though I am heavily biased as long as you think with your head and not your heart.  I've been to Ohio/WalMart games in each stadium and I don't need to see them play again.  They play every year.  LeBron comes home one time.  Kevin Love debuts as a Cav one time.  The tickets are better.  The atmosphere will be absolutely electric (I'm betting it will have more juice than the football game).  And, most importantly, the drinking is on Dan Gilbert.  You pick the Cavs game, have an absolutely surreal experience as you are four feet away from Usher and Drew Carey and Joe Haden and Dolph Lundgren, and watch Ohio kill Michigan on TV from a bar outside the stadium. 

Think about it economically.  If those tickets are on Stub Hub, what are they going for?  The football tickets are probably $500 for the pair...maybe up to $750 if Michigan is worth a shit (they won't be).  Those floor seats for the hoops game?  My guess is 5 grand (I am not well-versed in the secondary ticket market game though).  What sort of asshole turns down $5000 tickets?  Probably Cakes.

For the record, the radio caller said he was taking the Cavs tickets despite Beau Bishop's really stupid logic saying otherwise.  Even if you don't like basketball or the Cavs, you sure as shit have to appreciate the opportunity to "witness" history and it will be a night that you probably won't ever forget.  Plus, FREE BOOZE!!!  My guess is that the Ohio Buckeye Turd Suckers fight me hard on this even though it is more of an attack at how terrible their rival is.  We'll see.  Happy Possible Seal is a Dad Day!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Mount Rushmore: Cereal Edition



"Open wide! You'll need your strength to fight off my butt rape attempts."



So my one year anniversary was over the weekend.  Sunday to be exact.  Where does the time go?  It seems like only yesterday I trolled the fuck out of Ide with a Train song during the recessional.  Ahhhh...the memories.  I honestly don't know why everyone says marriage takes "work".  It really doesn't.  Marriage is pretty fucking simple.  Don't cheat, don't be a fucking asshole on purpose, say you're sorry when you fuck up, say thank you when your wife does something cool for you, do some cool shit to return the favor and don't scream at her like Chris Brown pumped full of Ciroc.  Boom.  The wedding playbook.

I took Wheelz to Harry Potter World at Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure (cue Ide saying how much that place blows) as her anniversary gift.  I got Browns/Jags tickets.  So both Universal and Islands of Adventure are pretty sweet and I was able to talk her into going on a weekday so we didn't have to put up with the insanity of weekend park traffic.  Also ran into Kenyon Martin there.  We exchanged a nice little head nod.  I'm not Ide so I won't say we exchanged phone numbers on top of that.  There's no way in hell that guy stands 6'9" like his player profile suggests.  I would say 6'6" at the most.  Anyway...what the fuck am I getting at?  Right.  Since our move I've been getting up at the crack of ass most days so we can make this place habitable before Wheelz starts the path to having a way better career than I ever will.  Which means I've been eating a lot more cereal than usual.

Now, I'm not a big breakfast person in general.  I'll cram four pounds of Waffle House into my middle aged gut when shit bagged, other than that I rarely sit down for a full breakfast.  What I will do is eat cereal.  And lately I've been eating a lot of it.  As with most things, there are cereals that kick ass and cereals that ARE ass.  Here is the Mount Rushmore best and worst of breakfast cereals.


Mount Rushmore Best

Cocoa Puffs - Any cereal that produces chocolate milk after the dust clears is always a fucking player.  There are other chocolate cereals out there but some turn into disgusting mush once milk makes contact (Cocoa Krispies/Cocoa Pebbles) and others are seasonal (Count Chocula).  Cocoa Puffs stay crunchy in milk and I can get it whenever the fuck I please.  Double threat guy.

Honey Bunches Of Oats - It tastes good and it tricks me into thinking I'm actually eating healthy.  But we all know I'm probably not.  Those fucking clusters of whatever the hell they are, are so magical.  I don't know why someone in charge of this cereal hasn't suggested putting just those sexual little clusters in a box by themselves and selling them.  Talk about a missed opportunity. (Upon further research, this cereal actually does exist.  Holy fuck.)

Cracklin' Oat Bran - Very UNDERRATED.  Cinnamon, nutmeg, brown sugar?  What's not to like?  That sounds like a championship formula to me.  I'm not saying that I cried the first time I ate this cereal...but I'm not saying that I didn't cry either.  I know Cracklin' Oat Bran won't appear on any of your Mount Rushmores but I don't give a donkey dick.  The word "crack" appearing in the name of this cereal is not a coincidence.

Peanut Butter Captain Crunch - Oh baby.  I don't even care that the Captain absolutely obliterates the roof of my mouth.  It's worth it.  I don't know why all of the Captain's cereals turn everyone's palate into fucking road rash and I really don't care to investigate.  Some questions are better left unanswered.  PBCC could be shards of glass or a bowl of screws for all I care.  Make it taste like peanut butter and I will sacrifice what needs to be sacrificed.


Mount Rushmore Worst

Wheaties - The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that Wheaties didn't taste like tree bark by putting a popular athlete on the box.  What a fucking sham Wheaties was/is.  They'll never know it's awful if we distract them with their sports heroes!!  Do they even still make this garbage?  God, I hope not.  Eating Wheaties was like putting your mouth over a wood chipper.  Everyone pretended to like it because Michael Jordan was a supporter.  But then when your mom turned her back you were dumping it into the toilet or the dog bowl.  Just nasty shit.

Mini Wheats/Shredded Wheat - Not FROSTED mini wheats.  Those are actually tolerable and halfway decent on a good day.  I'm talking about just the wheat biscuit that could easily be mistaken for horse hair.  Or a straw bed for livestock.  I remember my grandparents ALWAYS used to have shredded wheat on hand.  Like they owned stock in it.  I could set my fucking Mickey Mouse watch to it.  And why was each wheat biscuit humongous?  You mean I have to shred this thing up myself and then eat it?  That's like forcing me to load the gun I'm about to be murdered with.  Rule of thumb...if it's in your grandparents cupboard, it's disgusting.

Grape Nuts - It's fucking bird food.  That's it.  Somewhere along the line, some asshole decided to put bird food in a box and claim that it's cereal in order to trick old people into buying it so they can know what it's like to once again shit solid.  Help me out here, Grumpy.  I know a cereal fucking blows when adding an obscene amount of sugar doesn't improve the taste.

Rice Krispies - Fuck this cereal and fuck those elves.  Here is how you have to eat Rice Krispies: with 30 spoonfuls of sugar and under 40 seconds.  If it takes you any longer to finish the bowl your "Krispies" will be the consistency of wet boogers.  If you don't put enough sugar to murder a diabetic on the cereal, it takes like soggy cardboard.  You might as well just eat the fucking box this pathetic excuse for a cereal came in.  No one can possibly like Rice Krispies.

I can't wait to defend my Rushmore since food posts usually bring out the worst in people.  If anyone attempts to provide sanctuary for any of the Mount Rushmore worsts, I move they be banned from this blog forever.  Let the debate begin.