Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Setting Idiots Straight One Take At a Time

If you follow Louis CK on Twitter (don’t really recommend it because he isn’t very active), you probably saw him ranting and raving on Monday night about his daughter’s math homework (which had nothing to do with game 6 but whatevs). These math problems given to his 3rd grader made my head hurt. Apparently, they were for some sort of forthcoming standardized test and they were impossible. He went off about how stupid this is. Mr. Ace tweeted back at him and was correctly ignored because he’s an idiot. I don’t know—I think the main issue was that Louis’ daughter was being taught to pass a test for school funding as opposed to actual learning. Either way, I don’t understand it outside of "ignoring Ape" is a great decision.

After yesterday’s winning battle where all of us but one correctly classified all comic book nerds as nerds no matter what the age, I thought that we could go a little bit further. I want to address some topics/hobbies of people that I don’t understand. Now, I get what these activities and ideas are all about, I just don’t understand why anyone would do them/feel this way. Confused? Alright! If this didn’t make any sense, just think of yourself as Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer and you’ll feel better. The lead-up is way more complicated than the output. Let’s get started.

Anti-Vaccine People – This is definitely something that I don’t really understand but probably should read more into but apparently there are people out there that refuse to give their kids vaccines. That just seems really dumb to me. I don’t want my kid getting rubella just because Jenny McCarthy has a fake-autistic son. Love those jugs forever, though, J-Mac!

Alcohol Snobs – We’ve been over this plenty before but why don’t you drink what you want to drink and I will choose my own libation. You aren’t an expert and I don’t care about your “sophisticated pallet”. As long as we can all agree that nothing is better than Stroh’s then I have no reason to murder you outside of not getting what it means to be ELITE.

Cyclists – I loathe these people. Oh, look at you in your spandex and sperm-shaped bike helmet! You’re a grown man wearing a bike helmet! ADORBS! Cycling is dumb. You have to do it for like four hours just to get a decent workout in (probably) and every car on the road wants to watch you fall and die. How fun! And let’s not forget that almost all of these assholes got into cycling because of Lance Armstrong. Way to commit to the lie! The road belongs to vehicles and the sidewalks belong to pedestrians. You belong nowhere, cyclists.

Overly-Opinionated Christians – Now I’ve never been a very spiritual stud but I have been known to pray about completely selfish and frivolous things like “Please, God, make Kai Forbath’s leg be straight and true”. And then it gets blocked leaving me to unload 400 goddammits. For the most part, this is my only sense of religion anymore. I don’t chastise those that believe in a higher power. It’s great if you do but you need to keep that to yourself. EVERYONE hates being told about your Lord and Savior. EVERYONE hates people who live their lives strictly by the words written in a million year old book. You aren’t going to change anyone’s minds with your rants and raves so just worry about your own salvation instead of mine, Flanders.

Gamers – Once you are done with college, you should probably put away the video games forever. Time to grow up, people.  I highly doubt that sexy women are lining up to bone guys that wear headsets and talk to pre-teens from across the country over games of Halo.

American Soccer Fans – It’s time to give up on this dream of yours. It isn’t happening and it won’t work. No matter how hard you try, soccer isn’t going to catch on here. Why? Because Americans demand excellence and we will never be one of the best countries in the world at this. Ever. So stop pushing this on me. Stop airing EPL games. Stop putting scores on the bottom line. Stop making me think that the Cupo del Rey (or whatever it is) is a Rey Mysterio tribute show only to be greatly disappointed that it is not. You tried and you failed. When it comes to this summer’s World Cup…GO REST OF THE WORLD! FUCK AMERICAN SOCCER! Real men play real sports, motherfucker.

Whoa…is it getting hot in here or is that just my takes? Plenty of things to argue about today. Let’s rock. And in a bit of unpaid and unendorsed synergy, don’t forget that the new season of Louie starts this Monday night, masturbators!

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!


"What.  This??  Oh...this is something I had just laying around."



About a year ago I started reading comic books again.  And fuck you.  Comics are awesome.  It's not just grown men dressing up in tights and fighting villains anymore.  There are a shit load more story arcs out there covering more than just super heroes.  I'm sure you anal warts will try and find a way to roast me for this confession but whatever.  I don't care.

So this last weekend I decided to go to a comic convention for the first time out of morbid curiosity.  I've always been intrigued by this whole other world dominated by the losers we all used to Richie Incognito while growing up.  Plus my brother lives in the host city so I figured why the hell not.  If nothing else I get to hang out with him for a weekend.  Oh boy.  Best $40 I've ever spent.  Here's a small taste of some of the shit that went on.



Every stereotype you've ever known about comic conventions is absolutely true.  These things are nerd fucking heaven, man.  Some observations over the weekend:

-This is nerd girl version of Halloween.  You know how every Halloween, slutty girls find new and improved ways to dress up like complete whores in 30 degree weather?  Well, replace slutty girls with nerdy slutty girls for comic conventions.  The first chick I saw in the parking garage when we pulled in was dressed in this white unitard/one piece bathing suit that barely held her tits in.  I'm not sure what the fuck she was supposed to be but if she was shooting for "Camel Toe Girl" then she slammed it out of the park.

-I'm not paying for your autograph.  They charged for celebrity signatures and it's insane how many people actually waited in line to pay money to get autographs of people who really don't matter.  Deputy Dipshit from The Walking Dead was there and he had about 9 people waiting in line to get his Herbie Hancock.  Nine.  The Red Ranger from a TV show cancelled back in the 90's had more people in his line for his worthless signature.  LOL.  Everyone hates you, Carl.  The convention was also charging for pictures on top of that.  Thirty bucks a pop.  No thank you and go fuck yourself.  Instead I was able to snap a few photos of my own FO FREE.  Like this guy:



He was signing 2x4's for fans.  I ALMOST got in line to get one.  ALMOST.  But then my smarter self said that $30 for a signed piece of wood was a really stupid thing to buy.  You almost had me, James.

-The coolest part about this whole convention was the guys selling their art.  Some of it was ridiculously expensive ($700 for a pencil sketch of Wolverine) and some of it was really reasonable.  It just depended on how famous the guy was I guess.  I was able to find a guy who sold me two original canvas paintings he did for $150 total.  One of Walter White and the other of Dexter.




Overall it was just as nerdy as I thought it was going to be but I had a really good time despite being surrounded by 3,000 virgins.  I would TOTES go again.  I suggest going if there is ever a convention near you in the future.  It's more than just dorks in costumes trying to buy comics.

Before I go, I really should mention just how fucking awesome the NBA playoffs have been so far.  I feel this FACT has been glossed over because of Don Sterling being a racist asshole.  Both top seeds in the East and West are in danger of getting first rounded.  I would guess if both ate shit that would be the first time in league history both one seeds failed to make it out of the first round.  Ace's Twitter silence had been both deafening and delicious.

The Blazers/Rockets series has been flat out tremendous.  Even though the Blazers have a commanding 3-1 lead, you can't argue with 3 of those 4 games going into OT.

Half of the series are knotted up at two games a piece as we sit right now and most of these games have been decided in the last 2 minutes of the game.  AND IT'S ONLY ROUND ONE!  If you haven't been entertained by the NBA playoffs thus far then you're probably a gigantic douche bag.  Here's to the Spurs (hopefully) going down 3-1 last night.  LOL Ace.

Monday, April 28, 2014

His Reputation Is No Longer...Sterling

See?  Not racist IMO.
Sometimes, this "job" is just too easy.  There are days when it is a struggle to find something to blog about, but then there are others where ELITE racist remarks come out and I sit back and say "yeah, this will do just fine".  The big story from over the weekend was Clippers owner Donald Sterling having audio released in which he highlights his racist beliefs to his half black/half Spaniard girlfriend.  Is there any doubt that they do master/slave role play sessions where he calls her Jemima?  Anyway, everyone has had a HOT SPROTS TAEK on this subject already and we are late to the party which means that our TAEK must be YELLED LOUDER.

If you know anything about Donald Sterling, then this really isn't surprising.  The guy is a big racist.  He could be Ide's grandpa.  He is definitely Ide's mentor.  Sterling is a well known slumlord and has been widely regarded as the worst owner in all of sports.  His peers and employees have always hated him.  He probably says things like "I'm not a racist, I'm fucking half a black chick!" and then he LULZ with all his buddies like Cliven Bundy and Rush.  So Sterling's camp says that the audio was doctored which I suppose it could be since he is suing the GF and the GF vowed vengeance for this.  But it isn't and everyone knows it.

I don't want to play Devil's Advocate here but what if he was only looking out for the young, buxom Stiviano lass?  What if Sterling doesn't want her hanging out with Magic Johnson for her own safety?  What if he doesn't understand how HIV works?  I mean, he is old and decrepit.  What if Donald Sterling actually thinks that HIV can be transferred via Instagram pics?  He's just trying to protect his own penis and blood stream!  Yeah, that's the ticket!  But enough of that.  Let's break down all the TAEKS!

*Magic Johnson vows to never go to another Clippers game - Yeah, Don is going to be just fine with that, buddy.  Way to give him what he wants.  You should pledge to attend EVERY home game.  Just troll the shit out of him.

*People like Whitlock (probably...fucking whale) say that the Clippers players should not show up until Sterling is gone - Whether Sterling stays or goes or if he is a cocksucker or not (he is), that doesn't change the FACT that you are paid to do a job.  You're JOB is to WIN BASKETBALL GAMES.  This is the fucking playoffs.  It isn't the time to start taking a stand against the guy who signs your checks.  Racist or not, he still provides your alimony.  This is the WORST IDEA.  DERP stop playing hoops DERP!  Get fucked, people who said that this should happen.

*LeBron said that Sterling has no business being in the NBA - Uhhhhhh yeah, and he hasn't in 20 fucking years.  Thanks for the breaking news there, King.  There aren't a lot of places anywhere for extremely racist slumlords.  Ironically, I never saw many of your African American peers refusing to accept his money.

*Adam Silver wants to give Sterling his due process before ruling - WTF?  You have YEARS of this sort of behavior to know that this circumstance is accurate.  Hell, you even have a blueprint in another sport.  Just look at how MLB took the Reds away from Marge Schott because she was a Nazi and do the exact same thing.  Due process?  Fuck you.  Grow a goddamn spine and make this the first big move of your time as commissioner.  Sterling should not be an owner in the NBA.  Get him the fuck out.

*Baron Davis dropped the biggest TROOF bomb - Whoa.  According to Baron, Sterling used to sit courtside and drop epitaphs at his own black players!  Did he call them all Toby?  Oh God, please say that he did!

My molten hot take, you ask?  Look, obviously Don Sterling is a sack of shit.  If it's possible for the NBA to make him sell then they should and should have years ago.  But I'll tell you this: all of those "holier than thou" assholes need to look in the fucking mirror.  Bill Simmons has chronicled Sterling's past for years yet still had no problem paying for courtside season tickets.  Doc Rivers is on his second tour of duty with the Clippers.  He knows who he works for but doesn't care.  Baron Davis signed a monster free agency deal when he had other options but swallowed his tongue in order to cash them checks.  Sterling is the villain here, no doubt, but that doesn't make everyone else to be heroes.  Just remember these things when all of these dickbags are trying to take the moral high ground now when they took the money a short time ago over their integrity.

As ugly as this is and will only get worse, this is a fantastic story for a site such as this.  Donald Sterling may not have much longer to be an NBA owner, but he will definitely be considered for 2014 Money Shot Man of the Year!  If you ask me, these accusations/truths have finally made the NBA playoffs interesting.  OMG...with the Spurs and Thunder looking really ordinary so far, couldn't you see the Clippers winning the West and thus have a chance of winning the title?  And if they were to, imagine how LOLZ it would be to see Sterling standing at center court with a huge shit-eating grin on his face while holding up the O'Brien Trophy!  I want this to happen ASAP!

Game 6 at Nationwide Arena tonight...backs against the wall...do or die...Carry The Flag.

Friday, April 25, 2014

So About Those ELITE Quarterbacks...

"ELITE game."  "ELITE game to you, too."
Before we get into today's hot list of ELITE quarterbacks, can we talk about Andy Dalton for a minute.  Dalton has had a rough offseason with a lot of haters talking about how much of a loser he is and that he doesn't deserve to get paid and whatnot.  And they're all right.  Dalton isn't anything more than average.  He has better weapons than 90% of the QBs in the league and he still can't make a decent throw in the playoffs.  He's had three shots at the postseason and has been rancid in every one of them.  Last week, Dalton said that he is the face of the Bengals which makes me think that the Bengals are one of the worst teams in the league.  He also came out the other day and started quoting his own stats as a means to justify what a "great" quarterback he is.  It's all very odd.  Pro athletes usually don't publicly go after their critics.  If I'm the Bengals, I let him walk after this year.  Fuck him.  He's going to want ELITE Joe Flacco money.  I'd offer him 6-7 million a year tops.  Dalton is a big ginger turd.

Speaking of Andy Dalton, he comes nowhere near today's list of the top ten quarterbacks in the NFL in 2014.  I always say that I ignore fantasy relevance and, while factoring RB and WR, that was hard but it isn't today.  Numbers Never Lie but Ide does all the time and that has nothing to do with anything except for reminding everyone that Ide is a liar.  Anyway, my ELITE QB rankings are slotted the way that they are for three reasons:

1. Do you win?
2. Do I trust you to win a game (big difference from #1)?
3. And, of course, how biased am I?

There are some fairly big names omitted from this list today that will stick out big time.  I expect to be called out on some of these.  But at the end of the day (Craig Krenzel reference!), if I don't think that you're a winner, then there's the door, Matt Ryan.  Here we go:

10. Robert Griffin III - Look, last year was a nightmare while he was rehabbing his knee but he was the most electric player in the league as a rookie and actually led the Redskins to a division title.  Reports out of DC are leaking that he looks fantastic again by the way.
9. Joe Flacco - Ah, yes, Mr. ELITE himself.  Dude just makes the playoffs and had one of the best playoff QB runs ever two years ago.  He's a dork but I trust him more than ELITE Manning or Fatty Stafford.

8. Russell Wilson - I initially had Dubs at ten but then I heard that he is divorcing his honky wife.  Such a baller move!  Get rid of your missus before you sign the mega contract.  That's just good professional athletin'!
7. Colin Kaepernick - How do I put this sex predator and Aloe Blacc's BFF over Rusty?  Simple.  Kaep means more to his offense than Wilson does.  By that I mean he has to do more for them to be great.  Wilson has a pretty easy job (although he is a good at it).

6. Ben Roethlisberger - Yeah yeah yeah he's an idiot off the field and probably deserved way worse than what he got for what he probably did but the guy is a big game player.  The last few years have been tough but Ben is a playmaker.  DEAL WITH IT.
5. Andrew Luck - Old Amish Andy might even be better than advertised.

4. Aaron Rodgers - Am I crazy to think that Rodgers (Bo Ryan's best friend!) is just a tad OVERRATED?  I mean, he's really good and all, but outside of the Super Bowl year, he hasn't won all that much.  Then again, when you win a Super Bowl, you are ELITE.  What I'm trying to say here is that I have no idea what I'm trying to say here. 
3. Peyton Manning - We've been over this plenty of times before so I won't waste my time again.  The FACT is that he is definitely jealous of his brother's two rings.

2. Drew Brees - I love Brees.  I think that he is fantastic and I absolutely trust him more than I do Manning and Rodgers.

1.Tom Brady - No question.  He has the resume and the numbers and the smoking hot wife and the UGGS (like Larry and Ide AKA two faggots!).  He is a Michigan Man through and through which makes him better than the best Ohio QB ever in the pros: Mike Tomczak LOL!  Anyway, Brady is the one QB in the league that I would trust the most to win me a football game.  DEAL WITH IT AGAIN.

No Eli.  No Cam.  No Matty Ice.  No Weeden!  If I had to pick a #11, it would probably have been Rivers anyway.  I like his moxie and his lust for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Kirk Cousins #12 IMO.  This should be a fun day to EMBRACE DEBATE.  Come at me, bros, and don't forget to CARRY THE FLAG tomorrow night.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Attack of the Killer Korn Kobs

Yes, I would like to get all of the vaccinations
Sunday evening I had a killer grill session. I had a gift card to Home Depot, so I stopped and picked up some things, like a grill basket for fish and some cedar planks. I grilled up some Mahi Mahi, after coating it with minced garlic, olive oil, and lemon juice. I grilled some Corn on the cob, after soaking them in water for 20 minutes and throwing them straight on the grill, no shucking beforehand. Then grilled asparagus to bring it all together. GREAT FUCKING GRILL SESH.

Then at about 7:30 PM Mrs. Ace catches Dexter, my tank of a Pit mix, sniffing in the trash. At 7:32 we find corn kernels all over the floor in the Florida room. At 7:35 we search through the trash and discover that Dexter has eaten 3 corn cobs. Being an ELITE animal owner, I know that these cobs are dangerous and can cause an obstruction because the hard center of the cobs can't be digested. My first thought is that I need to get him to puke this shit up. I know I could have him ingest some peroxide and make him puke, but I'd rather not go that route. So I take him outside and play some hardcore rope tug. Like the neighbors probably thought I was a homeless person fighting this dog for scraps. He still doesn't puke. I get him to drink a bowl of water. Still doesn't puke. Well, fuck.

All while I am doing this, Mrs. Ace is looking up fucking horror stories on the internet about dogs becoming flesh eating zombies or spontaneously combusting while trying to puke up corn cobs. So now I have to question my methods, because I don't want a zombie Dexter. Looks like I have to call....THE VET! FUCK!

Obviously my Vet is not in because it is Easter evening, and I don't really care for her that much anyways. So I call up MedVet and see what they have to say. They are very helpful and informative, and tell me that the best thing to do is to bring him in for some scans to see where the cobs are and how big they are. So off to MedVet we go.

So we get in the car and all I can think is that I am about to drop a G on this damn dog because I am an idiot who didn't bury the cobs and he is an ass hole. It's about a 15 minute drive and the entire time I am swerving, jamming my breaks, rolling one window down so the entire car vibrates to the point of almost busting your eardrum, and doing anything I can think of to get this dog to puke. I have never bargained with a dog before, but I offered him steak dinners for a month, free reign of the house while I am gone so he can chase the cat, nonstop peanut butter filled bones, and endless bitches for him to sex. Still no puke.

So we get to MedVet and Dexter gets taken back pretty quickly, just going to do some scans and then come talk with us about what is next. Should only take 15 minutes. So 45 minutes go by and I am totally mindfucking myself. I consider myself to be a rational and strong minded person, but even I can't keep the absolute worst scenarios from running through my head...or the craziest. My mind is switching between Dexter dying a horrible death of choking on his own vomit and corn cobs and the doctors calling the authorities as we wait because the scan revealed he ate a chainsaw because he totally would.

Finally after about an hour the Vet comes back and apologizes, saying she had to deal with an emergency situation. They have done the scans and they can't find any whole cobs, or anything that they are even sure is a corn cob. To the point where they are questioning if it was actually Dexter who ate the cobs and not my other dog. This is good news to me because that means he pulverized that shit while chowing down. The Vet says they want to give him some drugs that will make him puke it all up. Should only take about 15 minutes.

15 minutes goes by. 30 minutes. 45 minutes. A FUCKING HOUR! Now I'm fucking positive they had to have emergency surgery and rip his fucking stomach open. Again, mindfucked....my wife is going to lose her fucking mind if this dog dies, and that's not okay because I am going to lose my fucking mind...how do I explain this to my other dog?...am I going to have to pay for this shit? Finally, the Vet comes out and says he finally started puking(because he's a tank) and it's A LOT. We have to hang around for another 45 minutes or so to let the drugs wear off, but we are home free.

What a fucking night. And what a fucking ass hole. The people at MedVet were pretty spectacular in their service. I hate all hospital/doctor/vet type places, but my 4 hours spent there was alright. Also, when I told the tech that I only gave my dogs seasonal heartworm meds, I got a smiling nod of approval. Finally, somebody who doesn't want to poison other people's animals to put money in their pocket. NEVER FORGET!

We all seem to be a bunch of animal loving people, which means you have all probably found yourself in similar situations. Lets all come together today and discuss our own animal scares.

(P.S. CARRY IT MOTHER FUCKERS)

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Open Forum: Comfort!

You ready to look at my penis?
Not a lot of meat to today's post as I take a half day in preparation for tonight's game 4 at Nationwide Arena.  It is certain to be an ELITE night even if it is spent with Mr. Ace.  I GUARANSHEED to be tense throughout which is to be expected.  If I let my guard down then the team might let theirs down as well and I don't need to be the reason why we struggle.  So today is meant to discuss comfort as I try to remain calm all day before battling on this evening.  Below are five types of clothing/accessories that are mandatory for old G$.

*Sunglasses - I don't recall ever wearing these until I was 25 or so but now I won't leave the house without a pair.  I respect the sun and its harmful UV rays.  But I'll be damned if I spend more than 20 bucks on a pair since they are easy to lose and/or break.  In FACT, I stumbled on a new pair while sitting at The Stube on Saturday.  They just came to me out of nowhere.  Mine now, bruh.

*Vintage t-shirts - Since pretty much any shirt made in the 80s is about as comfortable as it gets, I would really love to punch the lights out of the asshole who decided to go away from that fabric type. 

*Basketball Shorts - I have a pair of black adidas shorts that I've had for years and they are the best.  The material appears to be the same as Councilman Jamm's ELITE satin blue jacket.  I love these shorts so much.  I wish that it was socially acceptable to wear hoops shorts in public because I would be all over that.

*Sweatpants - Oh, you can't beat a good pair of sweatpants.  Not that they make them with pockets...forget about it!  Perfection!  I do wish that they went back and time and combined the pockets look with the rugged elastic at the ankles and waist.  I don't need the drawstring.  Give me the elastic, please.  Napoleon Football Spirit Packs (yes, these existed) always included the finest late 90's sweatpants.  I love you, sweatpants.

*Sandals/flip-flops - Being a hayseed from rural Ohio, I'm not the biggest fan of wearing shoes and socks.  I like to let my sexy feet breathe and make weirdos hot and bothered with my hairy toe knuckles.  Socks suck.

I figured that everyone can add something to this sort of conversation.  I'm sure that an asshole like Ide will talk about how he can't live without his Brooks Brothers suits or Randall Stevens can give out dressing tips for first class flyin'.  What a couple of assholes they are.  Those who are not ELITE should stop pretending to be ELITE IMO.  Let's get comfortable today and always remember to CARRY THE FLAG!

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

NBA Playoff Preview


"My pussy is about thaaaaaaaaat big.  Give or take a foot."



So the NBA playoffs are officially underway.  There was a request last week by Commenter Larry for some HOT NBA playoff TAEKS and since Larry most likely gets bossed around at home, I figured I would let him have his way for once.  Judging by the way Mrs. Ward comments, I'm stunned she didn't force Larry to take her last name the day of the marriage.  Let's break down some playoff serieseseseses.

Pistons vs. Cavs

LOLOLOLOLOL.  I couldn't resist.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Pacers vs. Hawks
The Hawks have already captured a 1-0 series lead in this one but I still see Indiana getting this series in 5 games.  Even though the Pacers were Poop City after the All-Star break, they still have the tools and the talent to run away with this one.  That game one loss should be a wake up call for the top seed in the East.  Look for Indiana to apply defensive vice grips to Atlanta's nutsack in game 2.

Heat vs. Bobcats
For as much as we all rag on Michael Jordan and his LULZ basketball moves for Charlotte, his Bobcats are in the playoffs and the Pistons and Cavs are not.  So fuck me, I guess.  That's about where the positives end for Charlotte.  Fat Al Jefferson is hurt pretty bad and the Bobcats cannot win unless he's out there and productive.  Unless something goes terribly wrong for Miami, they sweep this series.

Raptors vs. Nets
Brooklyn is a really fucking weird team.  At the beginning of the year I pegged them as massively OVERRATED and possibly missing the playoffs.  And at the start of the season it looked like I was right.  But I realized I forgot just how anus the Eastern Conference is.  Fast forward to now and this Brooklyn team has potential to be the most dangerous team in the East.  I think Brooklyn's collective playoff experience is too much for the Raptors and the Nets take it in 6 games.

Bulls vs. Wizards
THIS, ladies and cock bags, is the series to watch in the East.  I think it goes the full 7 games and I think Washington moves on.  Year after year, the Bulls lose Derrick Rose to some vaginal infection during the season yet still find ways to pull playoff wins out of their magical buttholes.  I think the luck runs out this year.  The Wizards are deeper and better at almost every position, in my opinion.  Beal and Wall were abysmal in the opening game and the Wiz still won by nearly double digits.  That is not good news for Bulls fans.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Spurs vs. Mavericks
Didn't someone predict the Mavericks would make the post season in this year's NBA preview collaboration?  Oh yeah...it was me.  Anyway, don't be fooled by what Dallas did by nearly winning in game one.  The Spurs, even though silver bushed, are still a top notch, ELITE team coached by one of the best in the game.  Even though he is a sour ass.  But I do have to tip my hat to Popovich with his message to Craig Sager.  First class move, for real.  Stop doing shit like that so I can go back to hating you.

Thunder vs. Grizzlies
This one shouldn't be close either.  The Thunder should take this series in 4 games with barely breaking a sweat.  They're just way more talented than the Grizzlies.  It's fucking crazy to think that the 7th and 8th seed in the Western Conference would be the 3rd and 4th seed in the Eastern Conference.  Just bananas. Editor's note: This post was written before the games last night so just keep that in mind when attempting to shred me for the Thunder loss in OT.  Carry on.

Clippers vs. Warriors
In the Western Conference, THIS is the series to watch.  I've always said that Doc Rivers is one of the most OVERRATED coaches in the biz.  He didn't do shit on the Celtics and was on the verge of being shit canned until 2 future Hall Of Famers were fucking gifted to him.  Everyone wants to suck and swallow Rivers for that title but the reality is that he should have won more than one championship with the talent that Boston team had.  I think he gets exposed in this series and the Warriors come out in 7 games.

Rockets vs. Blazers
Man.  This is gonna be another tremendous fucking series with the first game going to Portland in OT.  I really don't know who's taking this series.  It's as close to a coin flip as you can get in the playoffs but I think I'm going Portland in 7 on this one.  I think the Lillard/Aldridge combo is pretty devastating and will prove to be too much in the end for Houston.  Plus Elbows McSmiles is a cunt and I don't want him to be happy.  About anything.  Ever.

ELITE break downs right there, if you ask me.  There you go, Larry.  Something to read while you nurse the bruises your wife gave you for leaving the toilet seat up.  What can I say?  I'm a giver.  Most of these playoff games have been pretty tits so far and I'm pretty pumped for the rest.  That's my time today, dick heads.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Fist Yourself, Kane Colter

OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD
Before I go on my annual crusade against the idiots who want college athletes to get paid, please take a good luck at the picture above and understand what is happening here.  Two of my great loves: RedHawk Football and The BRAHs have finally combined forces!  Holy shit!  This is like a dream come true for me.  What do you think is going on here?  What does Jimmy and Johnny have to scream to a football team that just went 0-12?  Who exposed himself first?  Will Chuck Martin ever be the same?  How can we not go from 0-12 to 12-0 after the BRAHs coming to town?  This will forever be one of my favorite pictures ever taken.  They should put this on the ceiling at St. Peter's.

Anyway, you all probably saw NCAA President Mark Emmert embarrass himself on Friday when he went on Mike and Mike and started saying some really dumb things.  If you recall from the NCAA title game fallout, Shabazz Napier commented on how he often went to bed hungry because he doesn't have money and meal plan restrictions.  I can see this being an issue.  So the NCAA made athlete meals all-you-can-eat or whatever which is about the most literal that anyone could ever be.  Emmert then justified this change by mouth-queefing that "UConn can serve Shabazz breakfast in bed if they want to" which is about the shitheadiest thing that you could say.  LOL people that can't afford food, right?  What a cockbag.

It's odd that I could completely disagree with Emmert while at the same time being anti-Union, too, but here I am.  I've said it before and I will say it forever: college athletes get exactly what they should get now.  No, they don't deserve to be paid and they don't deserve employee rights either.  You hate reading about things like what happened to Napier but just handing over cash money isn't the answer.  Small steps that actually make a difference (like this weird meal plan thing) are.

Look, I get that these kid's hard work and labor only line the pockets of the schools.  It's probably not right but that's how it goes.  Hell, few schools actually make money on athletics anyway.  If you don't like it then go over to Europe or up to Canada.  You aren't forced to play college football/basketball.  Stop acting like this is their only option because it isn't.  People seem to want to overlook how expensive college is.  Please don't do this.  If you aren't cashing in on the ELITE opportunity of a free education and no goddamn debt then that is your fault.  It's why I don't sympathize with these kids.  If you are only using college as a way to get into the pros then fuck your asshole. 

That being said, the NCAA needs to ban the selling of numbered jerseys in bookstores and team shops.  They aren't helping their cause on that when you see 30K Broxton Milner jerseys on Champions Lane on a game day.  I could argue about this all day but I'll stop here.  Count me as one of the billions who are hoping that the NW Union gets voted down.
I hope that the plaque underneath tells where that fist has been.
Want to know how I know that my school is better than yours?  Answer me this: does your stadium have a gigantic BRAH statue in it?  It does not.  Mine does.  I would have maybe used a pose of John berating an official to tears, but this will do just fine.  I can't wait to take a selfie with this architectural beauty in the Fall.  I want to believe that Yager Stadium is now BRAH-friendly which means unlimited nut-tappings and roofies!  Seriously, though, you have no idea how excited I am that there is a John Harbaugh statue at my football stadium.  This is ELITE. I'm TOTES gonna ice Grumpy.

That will do it for today.  OBVZ a YUGE game 3 at NWA tonight.  We can talk about how great game 2 was in the comments.  As usual...CARRY THE FLAG!

Friday, April 18, 2014

Factoring The Factorbacks

Who has two thumbs and fucking hates Timmy Tenor?
I kind of had a feeling that this miniseries on ELITEness would ruffle a few moron feathers and last week was no surprise. In case you missed it, I ranked the ten best wide receivers in the NFL. I had Josh Gordon ranked sixth because he is a drug addict. Browns fans—and ONLY Browns fans—argued that he is definitely a top 5 receiver. They argued about one slot. LOLZ! This week, though, we’re getting good pad level and bringing our lunch pails as we rank the ten best running backs. I’m sorry to disappoint you all but neither Trent Richardson or Danny Woodhead made the list. I did, however, have an early rough draft of Mike Alstott at 1 followed by Brad Muster and Tommy Vardell. Then I realized that it was just my Hall of Fame ballot (I get one) and started over.

How do you rank running backs without relying too heavily on fantasy production? Fuck if I know. That’s way harder to do than listing off the stud diva receivas. I guess what it boils down to for me is “Who do I trust the most on a 4th and goal from the 1 to get into the endzone”. It isn’t rocket surgery. And allow me to answer your questions:

You: This is how you have these guys ranked?
Me: Yes.
You: Are you sure?
Me: Yes. End of fucking discussion.

10. Knowshon Moreno – I just read that Moreno signed with the Dolphins a few weeks ago. Some might think that last year was a fluke for the once bust and now good RB. I don’t think so. He runs hard and I doubt that Denver would have drafted Ball if they knew what they already had. Plus, he cries giant American tears.
9. Alfred Morris – He wasn’t all that great last year but no one on his team was so whatever. He has a good nose for the end zone and his home run celebration is always ELITE. Plus, for all of his asshole faults, Mike Shanahan doesn’t draft bad no-name running backs.

8. Frank Gore – I’ve turned the corner with Gore now that he is getting older. Seemingly forever, I have hated him and thought that he sucked but it just isn’t true. He’s actually quite underrated IMO. Franklin has stayed healthy recently and you are seeing what he can do. I’ve decided to stop hammering running backs for getting hurt because being a RB has to suck.
7. Arian Foster – Speaking of injuries! There is no doubt that a healthy Foster is one of the best around but you just can’t count on Foster to be a FACTORBACK for 16+ games. He’s also a vegan…in Texas. And he has a doppelganger out there taking selfies with sexy broads.

6. Eddie Lacy – I was going to exclude all rookie and second year running backs from this list but Lacy is just too much of a stud. This is exactly the kind of running back that the Packers have sought for years.
5. Matt Forte – Fuck you, Bears fans, I can’t wait to read all of your complaints today.

4. Jamaal Charles
3. LeSean McCoy
– 3 and 4 kind of go hand in hand as Charles and McCoy have a lot of similarities with how they run and whatnot but I chose McCoy over Jamaal because I think that he’s more durable. Both are fantastic players though.

2. Marshawn Lynch – If you don’t get a bone watching Lynch run the ball then you are probably a straight man who doesn’t get horny over physical football. I may hate the Seahawks a lot but I love watching Lynch. He hits so hard.

1. Carlos Hyde Adrian Peterson – The shitty thing about running backs is the short shelf life for them to be at their most ELITE. I get the feeling that this year or maybe next will be it for All Day before he spends the rest of his life mourning his dead kid properly (right, former Tuesday writer?). Until then, we must enjoy how incredible this thoroughbred is. I really hope that the Vikings draft a decent QB this year to go along with their pretty good receiving corps and allow Peterson to OWN shit once more. You give me Johnny Football, Peterson, and Cordarelle Patterson and I’ll give you an offense that is fun as fuck to watch.

You might wonder if I sought the council of Cakes as I worked on my Running Back Rankings. I did not. He is the type of fucktard that says things like “Ben Tate could be a top ten RB!”. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! My list didn’t even include Raymond Rice, Spiller, Reginald velBush, OR Toby Gerhart and you still think that Tate can be something that he never will become? Browns fans are so pug fugly that they’re cute. We are one week away from my ELITE QB Rankings—the crown jewel of player rankings—so hold on to your butts. I’m already arguing with myself over the slotting of so many manly studs with infinite ARM TALENT.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

How To Be A Casual Fan: A Hockey Post?

Hopefully those are in attendance for Game 4
You know the guy at the bar screaming about how Brandon Weeden needs another chance because he's a first round talent?Even better is the guy who is saying Colt McCoy didn't get a fair shake. Or maybe the guy at the Ohio Buckeye game who is demanding more intermediate passes because Braxton Miller is the best passer since Joe Germaine? Or how about the guy who is demanding that Devin Gardner be replaced by a true freshman because he's the reason Michigan can only muster -1.5 ypc? These are the worst fans that you can possibly encounter. They know nothing, think they know everything, and somehow enter themselves in every conversation. They are the Ide of sports fans.

I bring this up because I will be attending Game 4 with G Money. I'm not a hockey fan and I'm not going to pretend to be. I can name about 5 Jackets players off the top of my head. That doesn't mean that I can't go to the NWA and get rowdy as fuck while cheering them on. But I'm also not going to be talking about 2nd and 3rd lines like I know what the fuck I am talking about...because I don't, even though I was an ELITE street hockey player in my youth.

Being a casual fan is something brand new to me. Football, basketball, and baseball are sports I have been involved with for my entire life, as a fan, player or ELITE fantasy owner. I can hold my own in conversations about any of these sports, and even soccer to some extent. I imagine most of you have found yourself in similar situations, or maybe with the Jackets in the playoffs you are finding yourself in the exact same situation I am. Don't be afraid, I have some tips for you to not be a douche bag.

Lesbihonest: Don't act like you know everything. Hell, don't act like you know anything. Because you fucking don't. At some point next Wednesday G Money is going to lean over to me and talk about turnovers in the box or powerplay efficiency and I'm gonna be like, “Yeah, we totally need to score more goals than them” because I won't have anything else to offer. And that's OKAY! I have no shame in that. That arena is going to be filled with people just like me.

Don't Lie: People are going to know if you are full of shit. If you encounter a true superfan, don't lie to him about how many games you have made it to that year or how you followed goalie BOB while he was in Russia. Because he will know you are lying directly to his face, pull your shirt over your head, and beat the fuck out of you.

Know Your Role: Casual fans have to understand the atmosphere they are walking into. You're not going to just show up and take over your section like that faggot Fireman Ed. Take a moment, check out your surroundings, see how your fellow fans go about celebrating and cheering, and figure out your place. Don't go climbing up and down the five rows around you high-fiving people like some tard when “your” team scores. And if the team happens to lose, don't act like your dog just died. You have literally invested 3 hours in this team. You haven't earned your “Agony of Defeat” badge.

Stop Asking Questions: It's a fucking playoff game, nobody wants to explain all the penalties and corresponding penalty box time to you. Just watch the game and figure it out. Every time I watch soccer, ONLY TEAM USA, I try to explain to Mrs. Ace what offsides is. She never fucking gets it. Ever. I imagine hockey fans have the same experience all the time. GIVE IT A REST.

CARRY IT! No need for an explanation here. You aren't a diehard fan, you haven't followed the team all year, and a win or a loss isn't going to ruin your day, but you're there so act like a fucking fan. Get out of your seat. Drink as many Molson's as possible. Call Cindy Crosby a pussy ass faggot. If you are taking up a seat you better act like a real fucking fan. Being a fan isn't an observational experience, especially a playoff game. Be a part of the action and live it up.

This post should be read by every chick at a sporting event, especially the STOP ASKING QUESTIONS portion. Got damn that shit is annoying. But we have all been there before, being at a sporting event that we know like the back of our hand while listening to some mouthbreather talk about game theory. How do you handle that? Or how do you handle the Randall Stevens' of the world? Or how would you handle Paulina Gretzky?

The only wrong answer is "No."
(Holy shit was that a brutal loss. Being up 3-1 on the road and then losing 3-4 is an enormous kick in the dick...especially as a 7 seed. I have a feeling I will be saying farewell to the Jackets season come game 4).

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

MLB's Expanded Instant Replay Is Worse Than No Replay

DON'T YOU DARE THROW MY CRACK, OLDBOY!
Do you remember when MLB announced over the winter that they would be expanding replay? Oh man, FINALLY they were joining the 21st century and were going to get all the calls right! There was going to be a big control room in NYC reviewing all the plays! Manager challenges! An elimination of the human element! This is going to be great! And it has been great if you just completely ignore how much of a fucking disaster that this modified and expanded instant replay system has been so far. I mean, it is REALLY bad.

The concern going into this was that replay would unnecessarily extend an already way-too-long sport and—yep—it is doing just that. Now, on every somewhat close play, managers are strolling out to discuss the play with the umpire who made the call while looking into his dugout to see if he should use his challenge or not. If they say yes then he throws his invisible red flag and they go to the headset. If they tell him no, he can STILL stand out there and try to convince the umpire to look at the play again on his own accord. THEN WHY HAVE CHALLENGES IN THE FIRST GODDAMN PLACE! This is stupid.

Who the fuck wants to watch a crackhead manager like Ron Washington having a civil Q&A with shithead umpire Cowboy Joe West? If Ronnie is coming out of the dugout, I want to see spittle flying, chest bumping, and an ELITE ejection dammit! We’ve only had two ejections this year. THAT IS NOT COOL. If you’re going to hold up the game arguing then someone better be getting the old heave ho.

But the main issue is that they still aren’t even getting the calls right. I’m not one to stand up for the Red Sox but they got TOTES fucked hard in Yankee Stadium more than once over the weekend. MLB and umpires alike always champion the notion that “the only thing that matters is to get the calls right”. I guess not because they aren’t even with more eyes and cameras on the games. I don’t know what the answer to fixing this incarnation of replay is but the way that it is currently being implemented in baseball is absolutely fucking wrong. This is not working and no one knows what the fuck they are doing.

Here’s a simple way to fix things: no goddamn challenges and it works like college football. If the control room wants to look at something closer, they buzz the crew chief, who stops the game, he puts the headset on, and we make the correct call under the guise that “the previous play is under further review”. That’s it. It isn’t hard. And we can get back to having hilarious ejections again the way it should be. Now make sure that you all take the afternoon off to get an early start on your Stanley Cup Playoffs tailgating as well as today’s day/night DH between Clark The Cub and the Yankees! Hey, speaking of hockey, how about a quick playoff preview/prediction (be thankful that I didn’t spend the whole day on this like I wanted to)?

I don’t care that the Red Wings won 3 of 4 over the Bruins this year. The Bruins have the better goalie and play grinding playoff hockey. They win in 5. As for the Blackhawks/Blues series, if my boys were not still playing, I would be ALL OVER THIS series because this should be a lot of fun. Neither team lost to the CBJ this year which tells me that they are both ELITE (if the Jackets beat you then you are not ELITE…simple equation). Give me the Blues in 7 since we don’t know how healthy Kane and Toews are. I also like Montreal, The NY Rags, Colorado, Anaheim (although I don’t love it), and the Kings (never trust the Sharks). Which leaves us with the crown jewel series of Columbus and Pittsburgh. I am delusional but not THAT delusional. We are massive underdogs (just like the 1 seed Blackhawks were to the 7 seed Red Wings last year OBVZ) and have never won a playoff game in our 13 years of existence. Hell, we have never HAD THE LEAD in a playoff series. It’s going to take a big effort just to stretch this bitch out to 6 games. But I’m a homer so I will always feel that we have a chance. Two things definitely need to happen for the CBJ to push the Penguins:

1. Ryan Johansen HAS to be the best player on the ice in the series. This will not be easy but the world is about to find out that this kid is a fucking superstar.
2. Sergei Bobrovsky HAS to be the best goalie in the world. This can be done but will also not be easy.

Even if you don’t follow hockey, you at least know that Sidney Crosby is a little bitch who was probably the cunt who stuck that American Airlines plane up his box the other day. How great would it be to end his season? Oh man that would be THE BEST. Fuck it, Jackets in 6. I fucking love the Stanley Cup Playoffs now let’s drop the fucking rubber already! CARRY THE FLAG!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Lights, Camera, Crap!


"As a matter of fact I am not on steroids.  Why do you ask?"



Last weekend I saw Draft Day on the night it opened.  I won't lie.  I was pretty pumped to see a Hollywood movie that was willing to document the shittiness of my favorite pro team in such glorious fashion.  After the movie I felt pretty underwhelmed by the whole experience.  It wasn't that great.  Mainly because Jennifer Garner falls short on making the audience believe that she is actually a woman, let alone bangable.  Seriously...Jennifer Garner is a gross, hideous, moose of a woman.  Her shoulders are broad like Frankenstein's and she has the face of a garden gnome.

So I started thinking on the drive home.  What other sports movies missed the mark for me?  There are OBVZ choices like Rudy and The Hurricane that were entertaining but based on complete and total lies.  But I wanted to throw some fresh blood out there since we've all (for good reason) taken turns cheap shotting how hilariously false the Hollywood versions are.  So here they are in no particular order.

Varsity Blues
I went back and watched this crap fest again a few years after everyone was proclaiming this to be one of the best football movies ever made.  Jesus, it's bad.  The more I watched the more I questioned how people actually enjoyed this shit pot at one point.  No coach in the history of modern day football would ever allow his players to get away with the tomfoolery that goes on in West Canaan.  Furthermore, a bunch of punk kids would never be able to effectively boycott a coach the way Bud Kilmer was.  Especially a group led by a guy who calls a hook and ladder like this:



Not Pictured: Lance's finger in his mouth signaling "hook".


Remember The Titans
Ide's favorite movie.  A movie about the death of racism at a high school in Whiteville, Virginia.  The football scenes in this movie are just laughable.  There's one in particular that is always good for a LOL or a million when I see it.  We're at the end of the movie.  Julius (not Peppers) is chasing down this kid from behind in an attempt to strip the ball.  He looks like the fucking T-1000 from Terminator 2 while booking after this kid.  Perfect running form that would give Tim Downey a boner hard enough to black him out.  Just a bad, bad movie.

Coach Carter
I'm gonna say it.  Not a big Samuel L. Jackson fan.  His whole "I'm black and mad and I yell all the time!" thing has really run its course with me.  I'm sure Prime can shed some more "this movie sucks" light on this one since his claim to fame is getting owned by that Coach Carter team.  You know, up there in what they call the NoCal.  All I know is that if Channing Tatum is your 5 you're never winning games. #waltbehrman

The Program
Another ridiculous football movie.  This steamy turd paved the way for pieces of dung like Varsity Blues.   AND ECU WAS FLORIDA STATE!  WE ALL KNOW IT WAS FLORIDA STATE YOU WERE IMPERSONATING!  JUST SAY IT!  Overall this shit was almost impossible to take seriously from Lattimer bashing his head through windows to Joe Kane laying down in the street while cars nearly ran him over.  Who was the white chick in the movie Kane wanted to fuck with the Heisman he didn't win?  That chick wasn't even hot and looked like she was a 40 year old grad student.  The downside of being hammered 24/7, I suppose.  Mom jeans with ass back you could land a plane on is never a hot look on any campus unless it's 1970's UCLA.

Major League
This one should ruffle some feathers.  I won't deny this movie the catchy one liners.  Definitely some classics in there.  But the actual game playing scenes are so incredibly far fetched.  I understand this movie isn't supposed to be 42 when it comes to cinematography/believability.  But it's also not supposed to be The Naked Gun.  Shit.  Or maybe it is.  Or maybe I just hate baseball that much.  Overall I find this movie to be a tad OVERRATED.

Time for all the Major League homos to come out in droves.  I'm ready, though.  That movie isn't that great.  If sports movies aren't enough today (ones you love ones you hate) then we can always talk about Aldon Smith getting arrested again.  Smith's the kinda player Bud Kilmer would cream himself over.

Monday, April 14, 2014

The Fans Are Tired of Your Bullshit

Let's be honest: I am an ELITE driver.  I drive fast.  I see moves three lanes away.  I can recklessly weave through traffic and somehow make it look completely natural.  I also got a speeding ticket on Friday as I was driving home from the office.  82 in a 65.  I didn't play dumb or try to fight it.  I had to get over as my exit was approaching and my means was to pass a ton of cars and cut over.  I saw him.  Unfortunately, he saw me.  And thus, my weekend of umpiring pretty much entirely went to the Franklin County Municipal Court.  It's probably for the best anyway.  I don't need to be driving in the 80s once the kid comes.  Whatever, that state dick didn't even Carry The Flag, chicken fucker.

So yeah, that is 130 bucks that I'll never get back and is a ridiculous way to spend my money.  That got me thinking (as things usually do) about today's post.  Saturday was the Spring Game for the Ohio Buckeyes.  I have always had the stance that if you go to Spring Games then you are a fucking idiot.  I will always feel this way because it is SO STOOOOOPID.  Anyway, Ohio was charging $12 ahead of time and $20 on the day of the "game"...to watch a glorified practice...where the winners and losers don't matter at all.  Now, Ohio has always charged to attend this and that is fine and they even lie about giving the proceeds to charity (no way that that is true).  Some ELITE schools like Bama let people in for free.  Some Mickey Mouse programs like Ohio don't.  Either way is fine as long as you are clear up front and are realistic about what you are offering your most ardent supporters.

However, on Friday, it was widely reported that the Fuckeyes had only sold 36,000 tickets for the game the next day and that is really embarrassing.  So Urb and his cronies dropped the price to $5 a head as it should have always been (while pissing off the people who already paid the insane prices but apparently there was some sort of refund which is probably also a lie).  They ended up getting a little over 60,000 which is still kind of pathetic considering how nice the weather was but way better than playing your Spring Game in a stadium 1/3 full.

I'm going to do something now that I'm not used to doing: thanking Ohio Buckeye turd-sucking fans.  GOOD FOR YOU.  You shouldn't be paying 20 bucks a pop for this nothing game.  Gene Smiff and the BoT and Urb constantly steal your money and then charge more and more every year.  Enough is enough already.  At some point, even the biggest idiot (Cakes) has to ask himself, "what the fuck am I paying for"?  You're seeing something similar with the Yankees.  They play in front of 70% full stadiums every goddamn night now and it is their own fault.  They built that fucking eyesore stadium, charged a billion dollars for season tickets, priced out "the real fans", and now no one goes.  It's really sad.  But it's becoming the reality regarding the franchise-fan relationship these days.

The days of the team charging whatever the fuck they want and you the fan eating the shit are over.  We have a say now.  In FACT, we have THEE say now.  It doesn't matter how consistently good you are.  After a while, fuck it, it just isn't worth it.  HD TV and every game being televised and ELITE tailGREATs have made people start to realize how much of an expensive hassle all of this is.  Sure, you want to go to the big games still and always will but those non-con games/Astros games just don't feel like a good way to spend your time anymore.  You have other options that are more appealing and better ways to utilize your time and money.

I'm not really sure how teams can start winning fans back besides dropping ticket prices substantially (will not happen) so I think that all teams in all sports should not be surprised when attendance continues to drop more and more over the years.  In other words, you aren't building your fan base at all when you charge a family of four 80 bucks to watch the scarlet play the gray.  Get your heads out of your asses and stop trying to steal money from your biggest fans.

On a sad note regarding an ELITE way to spend your money, rumors are swirling that Minerva Park Golf Course AKA home course of the L/DFL AKA Augusta North will be closing its front ten and back eight this Summer.  It's probably Gene Smiff's fault although every time I've been out there, his brothas were all over the place in their jeans and whatnot.  I will miss Minerva.  This counts as my coverage of The Masters by the way.  If you weren't rooting for Big Dick Daddy Sping then why don't you move back to Iran, terrorist.

Friday, April 11, 2014

G$'s Official Ranking of ELITE Receivers

If you know two things about me, they are that I love the NFL and that I love being ELITE. With the NFL Draft coming up in a month and DRAFT DAY opening nationwide today, I figured that we could start a new Friday series here leading up to the Texans officially being on the clock. As we all know, the only positions that matter are the ones that score touchdowns. And everyone loves a good list! So why don’t we spend the next few Fridays ranking the top ten WRs, RBs (will not consult with Cakes), and then the crown jewel…ELITE Quarterbacks!

Now the parameters surrounding these rankings don’t particularly have any science behind them. A guy’s fantasy stats aren’t weighed all that much. I basically am ranking these divas based on who I would trust the most if my life were on the line and the odd caveat to saving my skin would be to complete one pass to one NFL receiver. And then I also factored in bias because that is huge. Like, for instance, Andre Johnson did not make today’s list because he is always OVERRATED in fantasy drafts and I doubt that he has ever helped anyone win a title. How can you be an ELITE receiver if you help no one? Great question, me.

I thought about including Jimmy Graham today actually but I disagree with him thinking that he is a wide receiver. No, he is not. I don’t care about his formation percentages. Dude came into the league as a tight end and thus will always be a tight end. Now quit bending Goodell’s goalposts! Alright, let’s rank the top ten receivers in the NFL today according to your master!

10. Antonio Brown – I’ve given my share of shit to Grump for him saying that Brown was/is a #1 receiver. Well, I was less right than usual on that one. Brown was great last season and his ability to run out of bounds untouched and thus screw the Steelers out of a playoff spot was truly ELITE.

9. DeSean Jackson – I did say that there would be bias. I was upfront about that. You can’t say that the guy isn’t one hell of a play-making Crip though. Now imagine how good he’s going to be with a real QB and a “fuck you, Chip” attitude.

8. Brandon Marshall – It takes a special kind of player to make Jay Cutler look good. Fortunately, this bi-polar sonofabitch has plenty of personality to go around.

7. Demaryius Thomas – We shall never forget his rib-winning touchdown catch and sprint off the arm of God! It is amazing to me how many super stud receivers went to fucking Georgia Tech. Why would you go there as a receiver? That has never made any sense to me. It’s sort of like why would any QB prospect with visions of the NFL sign on to play with Jim Tressel and Urban Meyer? Those guys DON’T CARE about your development and never have.

6. Josh Gordon – Yes, I am aware that he led the league in receiving yards last season without a QB with any ARM TALENT (Gruden term that makes no sense). He’s also one pot cloud from a full year suspension and is a Chatty Cathy. I also look deeper than the numbers. Like, the yardage looks great until you remember that the entire Browns season on offense was garbage time. I need to see him produce in games that matter (and to pass his piss tests for five straight years) before I consider him in my top 5. DEAL WITH IT.

5. Julio Jones – Remember when the Browns could have had this guy but took a handful of bad draft picks instead? That was probably the best thing to ever happen to Double J. I am aware that he got hurt last year but a healthy Julio is an unstoppable combination of ELITE speed and hands.

4. AJ Green – Now this cat puts up monster seasons with a poor QB and being constantly double teamed. He has a few more drops than I would prefer but he does it all. And he does it when it matters.

3. Dez Bryant – I don’t like to admit this, but Dez is so fucking good and if he ever got his emotions and sanity under control, he COULD be just as good if not better than our #1. He should probably keep beating up his prostitute mom though simply for the LULZ.

2. Larry Fitzgerald – Dude catches EVERYTHING. He doesn’t have the speed like he used to and Arizona should be ashamed for giving him those QBs but I would trust his hands with my life. Plus, he is a graduate of The University of Phoenix so you know that he has the smarts!

1. Calvin Johnson – No one else comes close. Ever. Remember when Joe Haden shut him down but the team got killed anyway? I remember when commenters here used to fight that weirdo fight. Good times.

Who has the balls to challenge my wide receiver rankings? The only internal struggle that I had was with Julio but I’m happy with where he is. By the way, during my “research” for this “project”, I realized that Stevie Johnson is the best WR in the AFC East. That’s AWFUL. Next week, I will be ranking FACTORBACKS. Will Trent Richardson rank #1? Yes. Yes he will. Oh man, I can’t wait for my definitive list of ELITE Quarterbacks!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Naked & Afraid: 3 songs

She's Totally Saying Yes
Let's lighten the mood and eliminate these Kentucky blues(BOOM!). G$ dropped a great topic a few days back, Current ELITE TV shows, and I am going to pick up where he left off. No, I'm not going to tell you about the top Vegan/Science/Black shows on TV right now, although if you're looking to cover the black and science category then Cosmos is a must.

Naked and Afraid is one of my favorite shows right now. Madagascar, Siberia, Bolivia, or Compton, I don't give a fuck, I am watching that shit. (HOLY FUCK I just thought of the TV show ever! White people in Compton!) I watched the Madagascar episode this past weekend which featured a hippie and a Mormon, a match made in Christian Mingle heaven. These ass holes were able to kill two snakes, which is a dinner at Ruth's Chris compared to what most pairs eat. The first snake the Mormon clown cooked until it turned into petrified wood. The second time they tried to smoke it, but their smoker contraption fell over and started blazing, destroying their snake dinner yet again. I really fucking hated that Mormon, especially after he snuggled with a pretty hot hippie chick over night to stay warm and then went and prayed to Joseph Smith for forgiveness the next morning. Joseph put you in this position to bang granola gash and you didn't take advantage of his blessing. Joseph Smith hates you.

As I was watching this show I was also listening to music, because that's just what I do.  And this got me thinking about what type of music I would bring with me if I were ever in the position to be stranded on some hellish place for three weeks. Would I just go with straight rap because that is 90% of what I listen to? Would I want some rage music to get me all fucking jacked to have mosquitos biting my scrote all night? Or maybe some classical to keep me calm when I haven't had clean water in 5 days? I am I firm believer that a good playlist can get you through anything.

If she ever found herself on this show it would break every form of media.

So the topic I came up with today is what three songs would you take with you if you were to be stranded on an island with another person for 21 days? And this would be just like Naked & Afraid; you don't know who your partner is, you can't use your music device for anything other than listening purposes, and you have to share this music with your partner, just like they do with the one item they get to bring with them.

Things that I had to factor in when thinking about what songs I would want are:
Length of song
General vibe of song
Do I give a fuck about what my partner might want to hear

3. Rage Against The Machine - Killing in the Name. I feel like in some crazy, unpredictable environment you need some FUCK SHIT UP music. Hacking your way through a jungle with a machete? FUCK SHIT UP! Paddling across the ocean on a raft made of balsa wood? FUCK SHIT UP! Going completely delirious and murdering your she-bitch partner? FUCK SHIT UP! RAGE is pretty much the only go to I have for that, I don't know dick about the hardcore/headbanger/scream rock genre, and I am also a fuck the establishment type of person. WIN-WIN.  Also Killing in the Name is just over 5 minutes, which is pretty solid when most tracks are between 3 and 4.

2. Bob Dylan - The Hurricane. I love me some Golden Oldies and Bob Dylan is one of my favorites. A lot of fantastic music that guy has created. The Hurricane isn't my favorite Dylan song, but it is the longest and tells a great story. Denzel Washington was fantastic in the movie based on Rubin "The Hurricane" Carter, which begs the question "Why did Denzel have to be crooked before he took it?"(Anybody?) This story of horrible racism, white guilt, and redemption also happens to take up over NINE MINUTES! As I lay there combing fire ants out of my pubes, listening to the story of Rubin Carter might make my nightly hell more manageable.

1. Outkast - SpottieOttieDopaliscious. This is my favorite song of all time. You give me jazz horns, some synthesizer, and Andre 3000 and Big Boi? You have a musical orgasm, my friends. Who else really want to fuck with Hollywood Court? Thought so. 7 minutes of musical bliss can get you through anything. Between my freshmen and sophomore year of college I found a fucking horrible factory job making molded plastic parts for the Ford Focus'. Every night at 2 AM I would go to my car, crank this up, and pray for a meteor to destroy the plant and all the inbreds inside it. The meteor never came, thus spawning my journey into atheism, but I realized that all I really needed was some Outkast.

Other songs considered:
Tupac - California Love. Because you can never go wrong with gangster.
OAR - Crazy Game of Poker. Listening to this would take me back to great high school memories of Dut being the biggest homewrecker ever and videotapes of Nate fingerblasting skanks in his basement.
Coolio - Gangstas Paradise. I have no idea why.
Anything Biggie because he is the best. Don't try to dispute this, BIde.

So what say you Money Shot Maniacs? What 3 songs are you taking with you? I have some predictions.

G$: He wouldn't take any music because he is a soulless super hipster.
Ide: Something that just came out yesterday so he can tell his partner about how he discovered the song before the group made it.
Prime: All Green Day.
Randall: Blink 182 and Avril Lavigne. Probably Pink, too.
Drew: Eminem, Royce da 5'9", and D12. DETROIT WHAT!
Seal: Something racist like Nugent.
Cakes: Is there anything gayer than Spice Girls? That.
Dut: Whatever the next 3 songs on KISS FM are.
Lange: Body Head Bangerz.
Larry: Whatever his wife tells him to.

So come join in the fun and compliment me on my superior music taste. Or let everyone know how gay you are and call Kate Upton a cow or something.

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Josh Gordon Is Gossip Girl

"GORDON" must be Ebonics for "narc"
You probably weren’t aware of this, but tonight marks the final meeting of the season between two of the world’s greatest basketball teams and EVERYTHING is on the line. That’s right, I’m talking about the Pistons and the Cavaliers. A certain former Tuesday writer here predicted both of these teams to make the playoffs before the season started while yours truly had much, MUCH lower expectations. Go figure that each team was a MASSIVE disappointment. Apparently, it takes more than gobs of young talent to win in the NBA. You also have to do things like “be a team” and “make jump shots” with a sprinkle of “play defense”. It’s a tough formula to perfect, no doubt, and when you’re poorly coached and run, you can see how easy it is to fall well short of your goals.

Somehow, both of these forgettable teams are in the news this week which is as uncalled for as it is unnecessary. Let’s talk about both stories briefly because the Cavs and Pistons do not deserve a ton of our time:

*Joe Dumars is expected to resign as Pistons Head Moron – Well it’s about fucking time considering that he should have been fired 8 years ago. The Pistons won the title in 2004 and I’m not sure that Dumars has done one correct thing since. Granted, he is beloved among the dwindling fan base and even the simplest fucktards still get his name shaved into their misshaped heads, but he should have been long gone for a while. You have to give Dumars a little credit for somehow having the safest job on the planet despite producing horrendous results. And these rumors of the Cavs having interest in his services better amount to nothing more than rumor. The last thing I need is a starting lineup featuring Kyle goddamn Singler. At least they probably won’t lose their lottery pick this year (thanks to LOL-worthy tanking). Darko Milicic...NEVER FORGET!

*Kyrie Irving…U MAD BRO – Kyrie has had a tough year. The team has sucked pretty much throughout with the exception of a hot streak once the season was pretty much over anyway. He has only missed a few games this season (around 10) which should lessen the “made of glass” stereotype. But there is no doubt that he has regressed a bit (that might not be the right word…how about plateaued). Usually, in year three, you expect a star to take off but Kyrie has mostly stayed stagnant outside of All Star Weekend. There were all sorts of stories being leaked from his “camp” throughout the year and all of it was annoying. Look, he’s probably going to stay for a few more years at a minimum unless an “injury-prone” player wants to risk all of his future earning potential to Joe Flacco himself next season (will almost certainly not happen…he’s going to sign some sort of extension because it makes NO SENSE NOT TO). Old Fatty Windmill himself, Brian Windhorst, let it leak again that Kyrie wants out which set the PG on a quite a Twitter rampage over the weekend.

He was pissed. The point of his message was “ask me…stop saying that you spoke with a source because they don’t exist…so ASK ME”. And that makes sense but athletes are liars so I highly doubt that that rant is going to change things. Then, for some strange reason, Browns WR Josh Gordon, put down his hash pipe long enough to unload some HOT GOSS on First Take (not Worst Cake) citing that he lives next to Dion Waiters and that Kyrie and Dion hate each other and that one will have to be traded because they can’t co-exist. So many questions about this:

1. Why is First Take even asking a football player about the relationship between two basketball players?
2. How awful must it be to live on the same floor as Josh Gordon and Dion Waiters? So much loud rap music!
3. Josh Gordon doesn’t know shit and he is breaking some serious BRO CODE.
4. Kyrie telling Gordon to “mind your own business” is exactly right. Who the fuck are you to be breaking TMZ scoops? I’m really looking forward to Ryan Raburn breaking the story that Joe Thomas leads the Browns in clogged toilets and it is causing a HUGE rift with Phil Taylor.
5. I’ve watched these two play all season (I am a hero for doing this). It was rocky as fuck for a while but they look fine to me now and have for months.
6. How high are you, Josh Gordon? Shut the fuck up.

I just don’t get his angle here. Why is he stirring shit up that has nothing—NOTHING—to do with him? Listen, pothead, a few years ago another pretty good (at the time at least) Browns receiver had a buddy who tried to start shit with LeBron and they sent his ass packing to the Jets ASAP. I’m not saying that it will happen again, just that it has happened in that city before. If Josh Gordon’s goal is to get Kyrie out of Cleveland, yeah, please don’t do that. Also: FUCK YOU JOSH GORDON. GIVE IT A REST!

Whoa! That was way too many words wasted on two terrible franchises. I must apologize for this. We’ll see these two shitty teams AGAIN in Secaucus, NJ for the lottery. Sorry, Danny Boy, you lying midget piece of shit. You’re a worse Dan owner than Snyder. GO (home) CAVS! And don’t forget to CARRY THE FLAG!

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

March Sadness


"Let's win this one for bourbon!"



This last Saturday I was in Turd Bucket, USA or better known as Ashtabula.  Most fart face Ohio fans know this landfill as the home town of Urban Fistyourself Meyer.  Let me tell you this.  It TOTES makes sense that a trash ball like URBZ would call a place like Ashtabula his home.  What a fuckin dump, man.  It looked like a town ravaged by an end of the world apocalypse.  Everyone was fat and toothless, too.  It makes me happy to know that URBZ is complete white trash at his roots and there's nothing he can do to change that.  Moving on.  Since there was a semi-important last college basketball game last night and live blogs write themselves and I'm lazy...guess what?  Well.  You can do the math.

8:32 - This has to be one of the top 5 dumbest stadiums to watch a basketball game in.  Especially in the nose bleeds.  Hope you enjoyed paying a million dollars to watch a game on a giant jumbo tron.  Dip shits.

8:34 - Clark Kellogg just called his wife "Lover Girl" and gave her a happy birFday shout out.  My wife said she wants me to start calling her that.  My response was a fart from my butt.

8:36 - G$'s favorite analyst Doug Gottlieb just said a bunch of words while dribbling a basketball.  I'm assuming it was something about credit card fraud and the struggles of being gay.

8:38 - My dog is already bored with this game and is snoring like a bastard a foot from my face.  This should be an easy blog to write.

8:43 - You should be ashamed if you enjoy anything composed by Kid Rock.  What an absolutely miserable performance.  Just a sweaty trailer park hog.  With Hepatitis.  Probably Urban Meyer's best friend.

8:48 - In case you forgot how shit Kid Rock is, here is another sample.  Speaking of stuff that is terrible...I hope you're ready to get eye fucked with a thousand Capital One commercials tonight.  I'm already hot with Seal rage.

9:05 - HOOTIE doing the National Anthem!!  In Texas of all places!!!  Ide does not approve.  HAAAAAAAAAAAAA-ONLY WANNA BE WITH YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!  Normally I beg for National Anthem fuck ups but I'm glad Hootie nailed it.  Woulda set black country artists back 30 years.

9:15 - Tipoff.  I really hate Julius Randle's big dumb smile.  I don't know why.  Maybe because it's Joker like and just stupid.

9:16 - Uconn's guards are fucking tiny.  The Harrisons just tower over them like dopey giants.

9:18 - Julius Randle with an early exit...and what the fuck is Cauley-Stein wearing under his jersey??  I'm pretty sure it was a mu-mu.  Or a shirt made from his grandmother's hot pan holders.

9:20 - That Napier steal was pretty bogus.  My first impression is that Uconn is going to run away with this one eventually.

9:23 - Holy shit Gary Busey is still mentally insane.  What an absolutely brilliant commercial.  In case you missed it, Google search "Amazon TV Gary Busey."  You're welcome.

9:24 - What the hell does Napier do with his legs when he shoots?  Mister crazy legs.  Just heard that Julius Randle's idols are Tony Romo and Dez Bryant.  LOLOLOLOL!  Great choices, loser.  No chance Kentucky wins now that I know that.  Timeout.  17-8 Uconn.  Smartest thing Calipari has done all day.

9:31 - Just got up to piss and saw the wife spoon feeding one of the cats pudding.  Then she asked if the game had started yet...while being 10 feet from the TV the whole time.  What the fuck did I do?

9:39 - God dammit this Uconn team is fast with savage defense.  I really don't see them losing as Andrew Harrison starts to pout like a bitch.  Napier is killing it right now.

9:47 - Randle has to be hurt pretty bad.  He looks terrible out there and is sitting again.  Kentucky getting desperate and falls into a 2-3 zone.  Fun unrelated fact: There has only been one white guy on the court all game.  And he's not even American.  Walt Behrman is pretty disgusted right now.

9:49 - YOUUUUUUGE three by Young, steal and dunk by Harrison.  But Napier answers with a prayer from nearly half court.  That was a pretty bad shot and Seal is probably tearing the linoleum off his kitchen floor with his bare hands.

9:54 - The three ball and Julius Randle's block party is really keeping Kentucky in this bitch.  Only down 7.  Seal starts rubbing the kitchen floor softly while apologizing to it.

10:00 - One minute to go in the first half and Randle gets his first basket.  That's not good.  Kentucky in the middle of one of their classic late first have tournament runs.  Somehow Kentucky is only down 4 at half.  Just saw a sign behind the CBS crew that read "Lawyer, Guns and Money.  I have no idea what the means but it makes sense seeing that sign in Texas.

10:25 - Second half starts with a Harrison 3.  Kentucky down 3 after Boatright breaks Randle's ankles.

10:32 - This Brimah goon looks like a more uncoordinated version of Dikembe Mutombo.  What I'm saying is that he's not good.  I love how guys get basketball scholarships just for being tall.

10:38 - Now Uconn gets desperate with the 2-3 zone.  That charge on Poythress was fucking pathetic.  He follows that bad call against him up with an even worse 3 point attempt.  Missed free throws might be what kills Kentucky in the end.

10:42 - Kentucky is really protecting the tin.  By my count the Cats have four million blocked shots in this game.  Give or take a million.  Under 12 timeout Uconn is up 5 with free throws coming.

10:49 - Kentucky is starting to fall apart........HOLY SHIT!!  Young gives worse version of Mutombo a shiny pair of Arabian goggles.  That dunk made me barf a little.  Worse Mutombo looks like he's just a walking foul.  Grab some wood there, bub.  Your night is over.

10:52 - Nice shot of Romo and Witten stroking each other's schlongs.  Those live shots from Lexington aren't really from Lexington.  They can't be.  I didn't see one person fucking a goat or finger blasting their sister.  Uconn up 3.

10:59 - Kentucky pulls to one.  I've been wondering all game how many of these Kentucky freshmen bolt for the NBA regardless of the outcome.  I think Seal is the only one who watches this team enough to have a decent handle of that question.  Maybe he can unshun himself and lift his commenting ban long enough to enlighten me.  Kentucky can take the lead here...

11:02 - Harrison with the THREEEEEEEEEEEE.  Brick.  Guess the college three is too close for him. Apparently it needs to be NBA range for that lucky asshole.  Back down the court for Uconn.  Napier's three....wet.  Uconn up 4.

11:07 - Harrison steals from Napier, gets fouled and blows the front end.  Kentucky hanging themselves with these free throws.  Down 6 with four minutes to go.

11:12 - Oh boy, this one's gonna be tight.  Daniels puts Uconn up 6 with 2:30 left.  Who's got the hairier peaches boys??  Uconn ball with 1:42 left.

11:15 - Daniels has completely sucked his own scrotum tonight.  Playing his worst game on the biggest stage.  It's cool though.  I bet there aren't any NBA scouts watching this game anyway....Young pulls it to 4 with 54 seconds left.

11:17 - Poythress about destroys his life while getting undercut.  This could be it after those Uconn free throws.  A few bricks by Kentucky and Uconn wins it.  Jim Calhoun is the house so you know he's packing at least a flask in that suit coat...let the party begin!  Normally I stick around for the post game to document what is certain to be some hilarious interview moments by some really illiterate players...but I'm tired as fuck and it's bed time, cock faces.  Randall out.