Friday, February 28, 2014

The Big Ten Loves Money, Hates Kids

High School Football Forever
As I mentioned yesterday in the comments, I really wanted to attack the whole N-word debate today with my usual flair and panache but Ape did a great job on his own.  Now, I didn't read it very closely but I assume that his message was that he isn't racist because he has black friends and a color TV.  Close enough?  Basically, I am just really looking forward to Jerome Booger calling a pinnilly for "Illegal N***er Usage" this season.  I can't wait for that.

Anyway, this left me scrambling for a post today.  So I did a little bit of digging and found that Jim Delany and the Big Ten are back to being greedy shitheels again.  What the fuck else is new?  In their never-ending conquest to milk every penny out of everyone, their new rumored idea is to make Friday night their own football night.  Are you ready Big Ten Football Friday Night?  Of course you aren't because it's a stupid idea.

Look, bros, college football is played on Saturday.  We all love our November weeknight MACtion but that is an outlier.  Boise State and other schools in that area like to play on Fridays for the exposure.  Why?  Because the little guys need all the exposure that they can get.  And that makes sense.  Why a conference with their own fucking network, a heavy fill of games on ESPN, and EVERY game televised feels the need to do this, I do not know.

I understand that this might not matter much to any of you readers here (due to your age and most of you not having bastards yet), but in Ohio, Friday is for high school football.  Period.  Dan Cummins confirms this.  And when you play college games on Friday nights, congrats on wasting an opportunity to recruit and pissing off most people.  If you think that the Big Ten would just stuff a fuckload of Indiana games on Friday, you will be sadly mistaken.  Every team would be required to play on at least one Friday night over the course of the season.  THIS IS FUCKING STUPID.

Again, this is the midwest and you don't play college football games on high school football nights.  I'm sure that there will be some losers here that think that this is NBD, but they are wrong as usual (looking at you, Drew).  This is such an obvious cash grab attempt by the conference without any regard for what the schools and fans actually want.  Hell, most of these schools have a hard enough time filling up their shitty stadiums. It just amazes me to see how much Delany cares about cash money over what is best for the league.  I'm still LOLing at Maryland and Rutgers.  How about making decisions based on quality and not TV markets?  That's your #1 goddamn problem right there.

Big Ten fans (especially Ohio Buckeye turd suckers) always cry about haters and not getting any respect.  If you start playing games on Friday nights, there will be absolutely zero reason for the haters to ever stop hating.  This would only confirm that the conference is a joke.

Before we go, I feel like talking about RibFest next Saturday.  Secretary of State Grumpy is on top of the reservation.  We want to eat (Barley's) at 6 pm and COCKtail hour will begin there at 5.  How about we start getting a head count?  I know that Damman is out this year (acceptable reason) but I demand some new blood at the table.  Also, does anyone have an idea on something groin-grabbingly good to do after ribs?  I'll always recommend Private Dancer.  One more week, BRAHS, so let us know if you are in or out.  Don't be a pussy either--if you only comment sparingly or just read, you are more than welcome to break pig bones with some of the commenting legends.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

N.I.G.G.A.

Fry Dat Chicken

As the resident BLACKSpert here at The Money Shot, I feel it is my duty to educate the great public that participates in this corner of the internet on the appropriate meaning, usage, and the history of the N-WORD, my niggas. I mean, if the NFL thinks they have a say on the usage of the word while having THE FUCKING REDSKINS in the nation’s capital, that basically makes me Malcolm X. Prepare to be educated.

My credentials:
  •          A black man was the best man in my wedding.
  •          I have been through customs and terrorized by the Canadian government for crossing the border in an SUV with 3 black friends.
  •          I am endearingly called “My nigga” by black kids on a daily basis. These same kids also angrily call me “Bitch ass nigga” and/or “Fuck-nigga” on a daily basis.
  •          90% of my clients are black.
  •          60% of my co-workers are black.
  •          But most importantly, I don’t mind Henny.

Here are my personal feelings on the word. I don’t like it. I don’t like when white people use it. I don’t like when brown people use it. I don’t like when black people use it. I don’t like the NIGGA, NIGGAR, or NIGGER variety. Does that make me an Uncle Jerome for attempting to feel this way about black people using the word? Maybe. But I will openly tell black people that I am friendly with that I can’t take anything they say seriously because all I hear is ignorance and hypocrisy when that word comes out of their mouth. I have told all my black friends to drop that word from their vocabulary repeatedly. A lot of interesting discussions have come out of this, but in the end I am called a slave owner every time.

There is nothing more in this world that I hate than white, teenage wannabe gangsters using the word like they just found a golden ticket and just can’t stop showing everyone. I want to murder them with the passion and fury of 10 Kunta Kinte’s. And I mostly hate it because it is the whitest kids in the world who use it to hide the fact that they are the honkiest of the honkey. YOU’RE FROM A CITY IN WEST VIRGINIA WITH LESS THAN 500 PEOPLE AND 497 OF THEM ARE YOUR COUSINS, SHUT YOUR DIRTY HILLBILLY CUM DUMPSTER. The white kid from private school might be even better. That is the bane of my white guilt.

Now, I should probably address the entire special presentation that ESPN gave this word. But I didn’t watch it, because I don’t enjoy watching a bunch of self-righteous race-baiters grandstanding on a national broadcast about the smell of their farts. I agree with a lot of what they say, but the way they present it is just flamebait for a race war. I fully agree that racism is alive and well, and I am well aware of the institutional racism(examples here, here, and here) in place that work against black people. But clowns like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are the worst, so I guess ESPN is what we get.

As far as the ESPN panel, I don’t know exactly who was on it, but I imagine it was Wilbon, Whitlock, Cris Carter, Bomani Jones(who I like), Emmitt Smiff, and some poor white guy who just sat there and apologized. I do know Whitlock is squarely against using the N-WORD, and I find myself agreeing with him a lot lately in regards to his thoughts on race, but he is also the same guy who called this generation of black youth the “Black KKK”…which is like the pot calling the kettle white? Wilbon, who somehow thinks him using the word magically changes the meaning, thinks that white people should have absolutely no opinion on the usage of this word, even though white people created and copyrighted the word. This probably creates a real conundrum at the ESPN war room when Rovell wants to talk about how much money could be generated by properly branding the N-WORD. The last people that the black community, and even the white community, needs to be listening to about the N-WORD is these clowns.

And the richest part of this entire issue, the NFL telling athletes that they can’t say the N-WORD on the field. The whitest, richest, and possibly most powerful sports organization on the planet dictating what racial slurs are and are not acceptable is the most LULZ of all. Would it be a penalty if Tony Gonzalez were called a wetback? Would it be a penalty if Hines Ward were called a zip? How about if Tom Brady were called a honkey? Now I know that the NFL will be hiding behind the rule they have in place for all profanity, but how many times have we seen Jim Harbaugh drop fuck bombs up and down the field while chasing a referee and never get flagged? Unless Jimmy Brah was actually saying “I WILL TRUCK YOU IN YOUR BRASS, YOU MAGGOT”, I find the idea of the NFL targeting players, specifically black players, for using the N-WORD extremely hypocritical. But this is the same NFL who sells millions worth of pink memorabilia under the guise of curing cancer, when less than 10 percent of that money actually goes to cancer research. Oh, and they claim tax-exempt status while generating over $9 BILLION per year. Maybe hypocrisy is exactly what we should expect.

In conclusion, it’s 2014 and the word really has no place in our current vocabulary. No matter your color, you sound like a moron when the word comes out of your mouth. But an organization like the NFL is certainly not the group we need stepping up to be the moral police, nor do we need the Black Stooges shucking and jiving their way to the front of the line. Use the N-WORD or not, but the origins of it cannot be simply ignored, forgotten, or dismissed.

DMX FOR PRESIDENT!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Mt. Rushmore of LeBron's Future Suitors!

The Ringer 2 poster
Four years ago, I fucking loathed this topic. It was the absolute last thing that I wanted to write about. But in 2014, it is much, much more interesting and intriguing to me. Oh, don’t worry, we are going to be bludgeoned to death with this a lot over the coming months, but I want to get ahead of the times and fire off my take on the topic today. What is it, you ask? LeBron’s The Decision Part Deux coming this summer!

Here’s the thing: even if the Heat win their third straight title this June, I don’t think that that will matter at all. He’s gone. I am well aware that no superstar has ever left a three time champion but when has LeBron acted like past superstars? Maybe I’m forgetting about all of those times that George Mikan threw powder in the air (although it was probably dandruff in his case and I love making Mikan references). Just look at the Heat though. That roster is getting shakier and more brittle by the day. Also, why would you play with Mario Chalmers if you didn’t have to? I don’t believe for one second that he is going to commit to three more years there. He has to see that if Indiana hasn’t already passed them (they’re at least in the same neighborhood) that they will be very soon. LeBron is in title-hording mode now. In my opinion, he’s going to just keep committing to places for 3-4 years and then will re-evaluate his circumstances and that is really smart.

Randall Stevens wrote about Bron’s Mount Rushmore claims last week. That’s what he desperately wants: to be universally considered one of the four best basketball players to ever live. That is a lofty goal but he can most definitely get there with savvy free agency decisions and numerous titles. If anything, it’s nice to hear more “being the best to ever live” and a lot less “global icon” nonsense. This is what you want from superstar athletes.

That is why today, before we start predicting where LeBron will call home in 2015, I figured that I would unleash my MOUNT RUSHMORE OF LEBRON’S NEXT TEAM CANDIDATES! OK, here is a rundown on possible suitors who didn’t make the cut for this Rushmore for a variety of reasons.

Lakers – He wants to be better than Kobe. He isn’t going there to help Kobe vulture two more rings. Not happening.
Heat – Maybe it’s more likely than I give it credit, but he’ll have to kill himself over the next three years carrying that franchise even more than he is now.
76ers – DARK HORSE ALERT! Drooler tells me that Philly has 40 million in cap space this offseason to go along with a pretty good young corps of Thad Young, MCW, Nerlens, and a guaranteed top 3 pick. Plus, a big market with title-starved moron fans has to be a little bit enticing.
Blazers/Suns – Definitely great situations to go into but I just don’t see LeBron playing out west unless it is in LA
Warriors – Now THIS would be a lot of fun but they are in salary cap hell and Mark Jackson might not know what to do with a guy that has this much LEMPH and STREMPH. And now, the Mount Rushmore of LeBron Suitors:

LA Clippers – They could pull this off easily although it would require a trade due to the cap. LA gives MIA Blake Griffin and two first round picks. BOOM. Not a bad consolation prize at all since the alternative would be LeBron just walking away for nothing. Not to sound like Simmons, but who says no to that? The only issue is that the Clippers will always play second fiddle in LA and Don Sterling is a shithead owner. If LeBron leaves the east coast, this is the only option I see that makes sense.

Chicago – Once they finally take Carlos Boozer out back and euthanize his corpse with the amnesty clause this Summer, they are going to be able to afford a max player. For whatever reason, the Bulls seem to have an odd fascination with Carmelo which is confusing to me. I can’t see him and Thibs getting along at all. But I still think the same thing now as I did four years ago—he isn’t going to Michael’s town to play in Michael’s shadow. Plus, I think that he truly hates Noah as most people should.

Cleveland – I’m going to try my ass off not to come off like a homer here, but the “go back home” narrative will always need to be considered. I do feel that at some point before his career is over, he will come back. It would be nice if he was still in his Prime99 though and not in his Jordan Wizards years. Let’s be honest here: if you win a title in Cleveland and end the drought, you are a GOD. Hell, that automatically puts you on all Mount Rushmores. If LeBron is being transparent here and solely focusing on titles and his legacy, then it makes more than a little sense to go back. It’s not as if were empty on talent. It is there, but it’s misguided and unsure of itself. I’m not predicting that at all, people that don’t read, but I am saying a lot of wrongs could be righted by everyone involved (from the owner to the player to the fans) if they got remarried for a few years and make a big run at a title. And now that I wrote this, Kyrie will probably demand to be traded today.

NY Knicks – I can scream as much as I want to about how winning a title in NE Ohio would define his career, but that pales in comparison to the MSG stage. If he won a championship for the Knicks, holy shit would that be annoying. The Knicks are also in salary cap Hell and are run horribly but Joe Johnson has proven that any contract can be dealt if you are willing to eat enough shit. Yes, I’m talking about Amare. Granted, they are a few months away from their best player being Tim Hardaway Jr. but the Knicks are still the fucking Knicks. This move would also be for his legacy although it might not be the right time to go to NYC. Maybe in three or four years after his next contract is opted out of.

While I say that I think he’s done in Miami, I also understand that they are likely the favorites to retain his ELITE services. But it is no fun at all to make a “will pick up his option” prediction. It’s fun to root for chaos and the hope that Miami “fans” have their own post-Decision sad fest. BUT, if he decides to move on from SOUF BEACH and take his talents elsewhere, my heart says Cleveland but my head says out west (see you in LA, go Clippers…ELITE Cramer reference). In case you were wondering, my genitals think that he will CARRY THE FLAG and join the Jackets. And if lamenting LeBron’s future on the court does nothing for you, how about the rumors that he will be starring in Space Jam 2? Fun FACT: I’ve never seen the original Space Jam. Thoughts? Predictions? Old Man Fashioning a Kayak Out of a Log?

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Rings or Money?


Shortly after this photo was taken, Ide was banned from Canada for life.



A couple weeks ago, I was listening to Valenti and Foster on 97.1 out of Detroit.  Now, I know Drooler or Ace (one of the two..shit, maybe both) dislike Mike Valenti because he's an enormous Michigan State slap.  But that doesn't bother me too much.  I'm used to Buckeye fans bordering the clinically insane when it comes to sports conversations so Valenti is pretty mild by comparison.  Anyway, the show is fantastic and they had an interesting topic I want to throw out there.

The situation is this.  You're a professional AFFLETE in your professional league of choice.  You can make a million dollars a year for the next 5 years, win at least one title and compete for several others.  OR...you can get paid 10 million a year for the next 5 years and retire without a ring.  Which do you choose?

First of all, for me that league would be the NBA as I've always been a basketball player over anything else.  As much as I love to watch football over any other sport, I would never want to be an NFL player.  It's far too demanding and crippling.  I don't care to get my head mashed to a pulp multiple times to the point where I read at a 3rd grade level after I retire.  And I certainly don't want to be forced to wear a diaper while in my 50's.  I want to enjoy my money...not spend it on shit like a luminosity account or paying someone to teach me how to do things 9 year olds can accomplish with ease.

Second of all, It's the cash for me.  No question about it.  Maybe it's because for my entire organized AFFLETIC career, I've only played on one championship team.  As a 7th grader I was called up to the 8th grade team for the state championship tournament.  We won but I barely played because I was a 7th grader so I guess I really didn't appreciate it that much.  Since I don't know what it's like to be a real contributing member of a championship team...maybe that's why I really don't give a shit about titles.  Maybe I would feel different if I were a 3 time high school state champion or an NCAA champion.

Having said that, I think it would be WAAAAAAAAAY more fun/beneficial to be disgustingly wealthy than to walk around with a gaudy ass ring that screams, "I'm the biggest fucking asshole you will ever meet.".  I think all of us have fantasized at one point what it would be like to win the lottery.  While envisioning what we would spend the loot on, most of us have probably said, "I would be dead in a year".  I know those exact words have come out of my mouth before.  Well, this is my chance to "win the lottery" and I would have zero problem sacrificing a championship ring to do it.  I want a trampoline room in my house.  I want another room made of nothing but pizza.  I want a swimming pool filled with chocolate pudding, or grape Jell-O, or shit...I don't know!  Anything.  I haven't really thought about it a lot.  What I'm saying is that if I ever woke up one day and decided my life would not be complete without an '89 Chevy Beretta put on top of tank treads...I like the freedom of knowing I could probably get it done that same day.

Finally, If I'm good enough to rope in a contract that's worth 10 million a year then that means I'm probably ELITE or damn close to it.  That also means that one day I could potentially be a Hall Of Famer.  The perks that come with being a Hall member have to outweigh the perks that come with being a champion, right?  People remember the legacy of someone who has been enshrined as one of the best that ever played their sport.  They don't remember the 3rd string center who played the role of human victory cigar in the game that clinched the championship.  Unless your name is Mark Madsen.  EVERYONE remembers that fuckin guy.  Only because he dances worse than any drunk white dude trying to jam his jeans boner into the ass crack of whatever college co-ed he happens to be annoying the shit out of.

At the end of the day, I want to be remembered and I want to get paid.  It's because I'm vain and selfish as fuck.  And I have no problem admitting that.  That doesn't mean I'm going to go all Andrew Bynum on my team and just not give a rat's ass out there as I heave up another 40 foot sky hook while yelling "KAREEM!!!!!".  There's no question you'll get your moneys worth.  I'll play my God Damn dick off for every last guy out there and for the organization that decided I was worth top shelf coin.  But make no mistake about it.  I'm doing it for the cash and the fame just as much as I'm doing it for my team and for the love of basketball.  Because I can't play basketball forever and I will need a retirement plan to rely on since I'm sure I'll be pretty fucking stupid with my money.  At least right away when I get that first giant check.  I'll probably buy a camel or something dumb as shit like that.  I'll need to be a high profile/high money player so I can parlay that into some post career income.  Like birthday party appearances for stupid parents willing to shell out $100K per party.  I'll also need an underwear company to come knocking on my door offering me an endorsement.  Or when I'm in my 60's, a boner pill company.  Championship rings to role players don't offer that luxury after retirement.  Being high paid and good as fuck does.  And that's what I want.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Bret Bielema Fixes America

What a weekend for hilarious coaching news and rumors!  While the rest of the country was lamenting the pathetic performance by the American hockey team (do not know how to carry the flag), I was focused on idiots being idiots and the Browns trying to get their BRAH on.  Let's address each story on their own LOLZ merits.

Bret Bielema is a doctor/lawyer/football coach - Oh man, I can't think of any douche more fitting for this argument.  So in case you were unaware, Nicky SabeCakes (the original Cakes) and Bert are carrying the torch for defensive equality.  They want it to be illegal for offenses to snap the ball within the first 10 seconds of the 40 second play clock.  They claim that it is for player safety because not allowing substitutions leads to injuries.  You know, it's not a bad idea if it wasn't a proven FACT that Saban and Bert weren't total selfish shitheads.

Saban has sort of backed off a bit but that hasn't stopped Bert from digging in even deeper.  He even implied that the kid from Cal, Ted Agu, may have died because of this which makes NO SENSE AT ALL.  Of course, the Cal AD blasted him publicly for being so fucking stupid and Bert backtracked citing that he is just so dadgum passionate about player safety.  Christ, what an asshole.  Why would anyone listen to the worst coach in the SEC (FACT...look at the records)?  It's amusing when Saban complains because he has better talent than everyone else combined and thus other coaches need to out-scheme him and he HATES that.  Bert is just being a cocksucker and trying to relate everything to up-tempo offense.  9/11?  Wouldn't have happened at all if the WTC was allowed to sub no offense.  In a profession in which everyone one of your peers is an asshole, Bret Bielema might be the biggest skidmark of all.

I do not buy this Jimmy Harbaugh traded to the Browns rumor at ALL - OK, Florio's dipshit ass wants us to believe that the 49ers seriously considered trading their head coach (who has gone to three NFC title games in three years) for a package of draft picks.  The Niners CEO went on Twitter to tell Florio that he was full of shit which was just great because Florio is full of shit.  This is such a non-story.  I mean, we all see that the BRAHs are insane but they aren't nuts enough to leave a great situation for the worst situation ever.

Here is what really happened: Jimmy Haslam called up the 49ers and swung for the fence.  SF said LOL and then asked what he was prepared to offer just to amuse the joke owner before he goes to prison for the rest of his life.  He made his pitch that was probably 4 5th round picks.  The Niners said that we'll get back with you but they just needed time to stop LOLing their asses off.  Haslam took this as SF taking their offer seriously.  So he called his puppet Mike L--no, that's too obvious--M. Lombardi who leaked the story that they were thisclose to acquiring a BRAH of their own.  The Niners never took this as less than a joke.  The Browns, once again, embarrassed themselves with yet another coach who turned them down.  World keeps spinning.

Speaking of the Browns, with Kyle Shanahan running the offense, I really do think that they should trade for Captain Kirk Cousins.  Give the Skins your second round pick, you still have 6 picks in the first four rounds, you now have a QB that is familiar with the new system and won't turn it over, and you can take Sammy Watkins at 4 and then maybe Hyde at 26.  Quit fucking around with Johnny Hands-zeil.  Drafting him in the top 4 is something that bad teams looking for publicity do.  The actual SMART play is the one that I just laid out.  There isn't a secondary outside of Seattle that could stop Gordon, Watkins, and Cameron.

That will do it for me today.  We really ran the gamut on the coaching ladder between arguably the best NFL coach right now and the worst coach in football history crying because he is incompetent and looks like a raped pig.  I spent my weekend in Oxford watching RedHawks hockey on Saturday night and RedHawks basketball on Sunday afternoon.  Hopefully, we beat BG yesterday because Miami Men are always better than every Diseased Dick from Bowling Green.  Now, in the spirit of Bert, I'm going to grant Randall Stevens a full day to work on his post.  Don't need you dying from exhaustion, BRAH!

Friday, February 21, 2014

LIVE from The Fleshlight Studios, It's WORST CAKE!

Jesus titty-fucking Christ.
Welcome back to Worst Cake: the show where debate is not only embraced, it is ELITE. I’m your host, the honorable G$, and before we get back to part 7 of Ide’s review on this week’s episode of Girls, let’s head down to Tampa where our very own Cakes Coughlin is set to become a seaman for the weekend. Cakes?

(stares at camera without saying a word for ten seconds)

Cakes: Hello? Are we live? HELLO!
G$: Yes, Cakes, we can see and hear you.
Cakes: OK good…Thanks, G$, I’m down here in Tampa getting ready to board the Buckeye Cruise for Cancer down to Grand Cayman and back. By the time that this airs, we will have already departed but I wanted to give you an inside scoop from the SCARLET carpet.
G$: Wow, that’s terrific. However, you are putting a lot of faith in me that I actually purchased you a ticket for this and aren’t just going to laugh at you standing on the dock as the ship pulls away.
Cakes: I never thought about that. Oh. O-H! SWING AND A DRIVE! UH-WAY BACK!
G$: Get back to the point, homo.
Cakes: Yes, of course, here are the interviews I conducted with some of the former great Buckeyes that are going on the cruise with a few thousand intelligent Buckeye fans!

Cakes: I’m here with Super Bowl winning LB, AJ Hawk. AJ, obviously your wife Laura is a gorgeous horse but have you ever been able to forgive her for wearing a half Buckeye/half Irish jersey? Or do you give her the old Ray Rice treatment wink wink?
Hawk: Why did you say the wink wink part. I do not beat my wife. I’m out of here.
Cakes: Yeah, see you on board! We can karaoke some Hang On Sloopy!
Hawk: DON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME.

Cakes: I’m being joined by ESPN analyst and former RB Robert Smith. Weren’t you supposed to be a doctor? What happened to that?
Smith: It didn’t work out.
Cakes: Great! What is your opinion on the Indians bullpen this year? I’ve got a darn good feeling about John “The Ax Man” Axford!
(Smith rolls his eyes and walks away)

Cakes: Oh my God. Oh my God. COACH!
Urban Meyer: Hello, son. Is this a Make-A-Wish thing?
Cakes: You have no idea how often I’ve dreamed of this moment.
Urban: Hey, that’s great.
(Urban shits a pre-heart attack fart and walks away; effectively crop dusting Cakes who does not mind at all)
Shelley Meyer: We’re doing a lot of great things aboard the cruise, Cakes. So much money is being raised for cancer research.
Cakes: No one cares about that. Tell our viewers what Coach Meyer wears to bed. Does he get morning wood? I’d bet it is as strong as Grumpy’s Oak. Can I stay the night at your house?
(Shelley queefs and walks away; effectively crop dusting Cakes who does not mind at all)

Cakes: OH MY GOD ITS BRUTUS BUCKEYE! BRUTUS! OVER HERE! (shrieks like a teenage girl seeing The Beatles for the first time)
Brutus: (takes off head to reveal normal person) For Christ sake, you’re a grown man. Grow the fuck up.

Cakes: Well well well, what a treat. Craig Krenzel, CHAMPIONSHIP QUARTERBACK, how are you?
Krenzel: Doing great. Don’t forget to buy your next pair of boots at Rod’s Western Palace. Look for the Cowboy in the Sky and tell them that Circle K sent you!
Cakes: Done! I’ve got a molecular genetics question for you and how it relates to the weather if you have the time.

Krenzel: What’s that? Can’t hear you.
Cakes: But you’re standing right here next to me.
Krenzel: HOLY BUCKEYE!
Cakes: HOLY BUCKEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!

Cakes: We’re joined now by Scoonie Penn who my notes say used to play basketball for the Buckeyes. That must have been a blast!
Scoonie: Yes I did.
Cakes: Now I don’t know anything about basketball but I did just build a bar in my basement. What kind of lacquer would you use for a bar top?
Scoonie: Malt lacquer.
Cakes: I'm sure that that gives it a great SHINE.

Cakes: Archie Griffin, how the heck are you doing? Do you even know how to swim? Just kidding. (pulls out 3 inch thick binder) Now in my latest Cakes RB Rankings, I have you ahead of Antonio Pittman but very far behind Carlos Hyde. Any chance you can make up ground on the greatest running back that ever lived?
(Archie chucks binder into the Gulf of Mexico)

Cakes: Oh boy, here comes trouble! Chris Spielman! Or as I like to call you, the Best LB in Football History!
Spielman: I’m flattered, son, but I really want to talk about the great things that the Urban and Shelley Meyer Fund is doing for cancer research. Also, I’m here to continue to spread the word of Jesus Christ—
Cakes: Keep walking. No, we’re good here. Bye.

Cakes: Our final guest on the scarlet carpet is none other than Kirk Herbstreit. Kirk, in my opinion, you are a great big phony and an embarrassment to our state. You bring great shame to all of us.

Kirk: Is that so? Tell me this: did you play football here? Did you graduate from here? Do you donate any money to the school? I am so sick of this crap from you and the rest of the mouth-breathers. I have a JOB to do. ESPN pays me to analyze college football. I don’t get paid to be a homer. You make me puke. It’s not me that “embarrasses” Ohio State. It is YOU.
Cakes: FAKE. BUCKEYE.

Cakes: Well G$, that about does it for me. It’s time for me to hoist the anchors and set sail with a great group of fans and heroes for some five star fun all for a good cause! Here you go, my good man.
Ticket-taker: Ummmm, sir, this is a Marcos Pizza menu. It is not a ticket to come on board the ship. I’m sorry but you will not be able to board and I would really like to know how you thought that this was a cruise passport.

G$: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! FUCK YOU CAKES! I got you good! Feel free to walk back from Tampa, jerk! As you can see, Ohio Buckeye Football fans are still the dumbest people on the planet. Coming up next, was Jackie Robinson ELITE? You’ll be surprised by the answer. Stay tuned for more Worst Cake after this advertisement for the Fleshlight.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Bad Investments: Awful Albums


We all remember waiting with great anticipation for an album. We all remember hearing a hot single and assuming that the rest of the cd would be just as good. We all remember ordering 75 cd's from Columbia House for the price of 2. In doing so, we have all spent our hard earned money on some fucking horrible music. And that's what today is about.

And just to be clear, this isn't most disappointing albums. For example, for me, Lupe Fiasco's Lasers album was a complete and total disappointment because it was basically a techno album with no substance. It wasn't horrible, but didn't come close to meeting my expectations. It wasn't complete and total ass, like, say LL Cool J's recent album, Authentic. Who can ever forget Accidental Racist?

Now, we all have different tastes in music. Mine is obviously a little more rap centric, but I listened to just about everything in the 90's/early 00's. G$ loves him some George Strait. Randall probably only listens to Sum 41. Prime is legally obligated to only listen to 90's music. I'm sure Grump still fires up his old Roger Miller vinyl selection. And Ide listens to whatever hipsters listen to these days. Maybe he can tell us what is hot in Brooklyn right now. But here are my worst investments in awful albums.

Jimmy Ray: Jimmy Ray. The hit song off this album was "Are You Jimmy Ray?" I just watched the video on Youtube...what the fuck was my 13 year old brain thinking? Other than tits and more tits, it was apparently thinking euro-honkytonk-rock was the shit. The album was 10 songs, only one of which was actually released as a single in the US, and they were all terrible.

JT Money: Pimpin' on Wax. This is a great album title. It's a shame it was wasted on an album like this. Now don't get me wrong, I was completely sold when I saw the "Who Dat" video(which I belive Michael Rapaport makes a cameo in as the only white guy). Maybe I just wasn't ready for horrible gangster rap in '99. But this was JT Money's M.O., terrible albums with one hot song. I only fell for it once.

Marcy Playground: Marcy Playground. Sex and Candy is one of those songs that you have to stop and listen to. You can be just about to walk out the door, but if you hear this song come on you will stand there and listen until it's over. Marcy Playground had no chance at matching Sex and Candy, and it seemed like they knew it because every other track had a completely different feel than Sex and Candy. The ultimate one-hit wonder.

MA$E: Double Up. This one hurt me deeply. MA$E's debut album was my first real hip hop album and the first time that my mom was concerned about what kind of music I listened to. I will say forever that Harlem World is a Top 10 Hip Hop album. Double Up has 4 songs that I will still listen to, and that's including a Mad Rapper interlude(back when skits were ELITE). This album was so bad that he retired to become a preacher. Only to return to rap for one more pay check five years later. I was smart enough to not pay money for that.

Puff Daddy: Forever. Lil Kim, R Kelly, Notorious B.I.G., Redman, Busta Rhymes, Carl Thomas, MA$E, Beanie Sigel, Nas, Shyne, Twista, and Jay-Z. What do these people have in common? They were ALL featured on this album. This album of 20 songs that had maybe 4 playable tracks. P.E. 2000 is still one of favorite tracks ever. But this album was just Puff Daddy ruining everything.

Spice Girls: Spice. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Just....fucking terrible. I went back and listened to every song on this album, for as long as I could stand. It was horrifying. Now, I was only 12 years old when I bought this album, but 12 year old me fucking sucked. I remember bumping this in Shitty's moms' minivan on our way out to Freedom to play basketball. AND EVERYBODY IN THE CAR LOVED IT! I bet I still know 25% of the lyrics and I haven't heard any of those songs in 15 years, that's how much we loved it. Dammit.

Man, I'm still in shock with how terrible that Spice Girls album was. I thought it might get included, but I also thought maybe, just maybe, it was a legit album that could stand the test of time.
On the plus side(I think?) not a single Limp Bizkit album was included. I believe I bought their first three albums. Obviously they aren't making anybody's all time list, but they also weren't awful enough to make my list. Please leave your own awful albums in the comments. Which one of you fags bought a Creed album? Answer: ALL OF YOU.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I Will Remember Youuuuuuuuu

New Kids On The Block had a bunch of hits.  Chinese Food makes me sick.
Well, I'll be fucking damned...the cold spell is finally breaking.  The horrible ice-covered foot of snow in my yard is retreating and it's about fucking time.  My dog and I haven't been able to comfortably shit outside for two weeks.  I think that it is pretty obvz why the weather is becoming more human-friendly again...pitchers and catchers have reported to Spring Training!  LOL, j/k, I'm not one of those weirdos that gets pumped about this but is a weak segue to today's post in which I address a few baseball topics that have almost nothing to do with the on-field product!

*Derek Jeter's Last Hurrah - How have I not written about this yet?  I may have thrown up one comment on the day that #2 announced that 2014 would be it for him, but that simply will not do.  I always laugh when ignorant people say stupid things like "Jeter is the most OVERRATED player EVER" because it is really dumb.  The guy has the most hits in the history of the world's most successful and decorated franchise.  He has won 5 World Series titles.  We all know about his ELITE bedroom prowess (YEAH JEETS and post-coital gift baskets, BRAH!) but it can't be said enough: Derek Jeter has crushed a lot of A+ ass.  Jeter is like Spinal Tap.  He doesn't just plow 10s, he slays 11s.  Honestly, I think that we all will miss him when he's gone.  If you like baseball at all, then Derek Jeter has been in your life for a long ass time and I'll laugh really hard if someone tries to say that they hate the guy. 

I hope that Jeter can stay healthy and have a good farewell season.  He deserves it.  But if you think that we are going to get strangled with another Mariano-like retirement tour, then think again.  That isn't his style at all.  I'm sure that he'll wave to all of the crowds but there will be no ceremonies.  And he will bed the finest ladies in every city that he plays in.  That is a FACT.  THAT is how Jeets tours...penis first.  By the way, his last regular season game will be played in Boston.  Tickets to that game are going for more than Opening Day at Fenway when they get their World Series rings.  That says it all.  This will not be the last time that I reflect on Derek Jeter this season.  DEAL WITH IT.

*Kate Upton makes horrible choices - You know how I know that Kate Upton is a moo cow and gutter trash?  Because Jeter hasn't fucked her.  Instead, she is back to wasting her time having Goosetown slap and tickles with Justin Verlander again.  I don't know why these little kids have to act so coy.  If you don't want people to know that you are OBVIOUSLY fucking, then stop showing up everywhere together and Tweeting at each other.  YOU ARE AWFUL ACTORS.  Receiving Jut's Slim Jim is probably why Fatty Fat Fat isn't on the cover of the SI Swimsuit Issue this year.  That is her punishment for making such a horrible life choice.  Too many fourth meals with the Goochland High alum.  Her career is over.  Big jugs doesn't make up for being involved with a season ticket holder at Talladega.

Speaking of SI, does the swimsuit issue even matter any more?  Don't get me wrong, I'll still check out some pics online simply because of tradition, but who really cares?  And another thing, Chrissy Teigen seems like a cool broad and all that but she has a really weird face.  WOULD NOT BANG.  Yes I would.

*The Indians are a fucking joke - Today's final topic will be another instance of Believeland running their franchise horribly.  Ubaldo Jiminez, even with his occasional spotty control, is at worst a #2 starter.  We can all agree on that, right?  He is 30 years old and thus has at least 5 more good years barring injury.  He had a 3.30 ERA last year on a garbage team.  Ubaldo just signed a 4 year/48 million dollar deal with the Orioles who just STOLE him at that price.  Starting pitching is never, ever cheap.  12 million for a still-in-prime front of the rotation arm is a home run.

Look, Cleveland fans, there is no excuse at all for letting him walk at that price.  You spent more than that on average players like Swish and Bourn last winter and now, when you want to compete for division titles and actually playoff births, you're going back to being cheap.  DUMB.  I'm not even sure that the Indians made an offer.  BAD.  Boy, I hope that your no-name flukes from last year can do it again and be the first ever to do so.

Hmmmmm...those takes got a little hotter than I was expecting.  But then again, there is never a bad time to rip on Jut and Indians fans (pretty much the same people).  Now that you've finished today's post, please collect your gift basket and GTFO.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

NBA Mount Rushmore


What Ace jerks off to every night.



Over the NBA All Star weekend, some NBA stars were asked who would be on their Mount Rushmore of NBA stars.  Shockingly, none of them put themselves on their own Mount but LeBron came the closest.  So I decided that would be a good post idea for today.  Not only will I be giving my Mount Rushmore, I will also be giving my Not Mount Rushmore.  The guys who have always been considered great but when you think about it, were pretty OVERRATED.  But first...my Mount Rushmore.

Michael Jordan - OBVZ.  Anyone who doesn't have Jordan on their Mount Rushmore is either being a facetious fuck wad, is from a country that has no running water and where they live in huts made of hay and goat shit or needs to be beaten senseless.  Jordan's only career flaw has been how poopy of an owner is he.  Well, and he got his dad murdered...and is a degenerate gambler...and his kids probably hate him.  Okay, so Jordan has his issues outside of being hands down the best basketball player to ever live.

Bill Russell - Anyone that can wear a championship ring on every finger and toe and still have one left over for his veiny python cock belongs on this Mount.  Russell's career numbers aren't eye popping but they're pretty damn good.   And I think he often gets forgotten about because of how good his supporting cast was.  But if idiots like G$ can say that Eli Manning is better than Peyton because he has more rings, then no one can argue with me thinking that Russell is the best center to ever play the game partly because of his rings.  So eat me.

Magic Johnson - Magic solely changed the way point guards play.  And he's responsible for the spike in condom sales in the 90s.  Trojan owes Magic Johnson a debt of gratitude.  The should have at least named a rubber after him.  Jerks.  Anyway...Magic could also score despite having one of the most atrocious looking shots I have ever fucking seen.  And yes...he roped in the championships almost as much as diseased pussy.  I wonder if he knows what chick gave him AIDS.  Does the woman know that she has it?  Does she know she's the one who gave it to him?  Does she use that to make money on the side?  Like...hanging out on corners holding a sign that says, "Come get AIDS from the pussy that gave it to Magic Johnson!"  There's still so many unanswered questions...

Larry Bird - I just find it astounding that Bird was able to put together the career he did.  He looks like the most unathletic glob of goo and the guy you would TOTES pick last on the playground.  But that God damn mustache!  Thing of beauty.  Part of the reason I put Bird on this list is because of his next level shit talking game.  There's a story out there that goes like this.  On Christmas day, Bird says to Chuck Person, "I have a Christmas present for you."  Bird then immediately drains a 3, turns to Person and says, "Merry Fuckin Christmas."  Gorgeous.  I've also read Bird saying that he didn't care who guarded him as long as it wasn't a white guy.  Because that was disrespectful to his game.  God, I hope that one is true.

Not Mount Rushmore

Patrick Ewing - The Ol' Sweat Bucket!  Ewing had to be the most disgusting player to play against in the history of the league.  He would run up and down the court twice and look like he just lifted himself out of a swimming pool. I bet he smelled like ham, too.  I have nothing to back that up.  Just a feeling.  There's a reason the Knicks never won a title while Ewing was there.  He just wasn't as good as everyone wanted to believe he was.  I bet Knick fans were secretly elated when Ewing finally left New York.

John Stockton/Karl Malone - They get a joint head on my Not Mount since those two love birds played almost their entire careers together without winning shit.  Couldn't find a way to pick and roll their way to a single God damn ring.  Did they make one finals appearance?  I don't need to check that.  I'm almost certain they only made it once while playing in Utah.  And that was when the Western Conference is what the Eastern Conference is present day.  Then that slob, Malone tried pulling a Gary Payton and winning a title the cheap as shit way late in his career with the Lakers.  Nice try, dick head.

Oscar Robertson - Yeah.  I'll say it.  OVERRATED.  This is why.  You mean to tell me in an era with about 95% white guys playing you can only muster one NBA title?  That's just unacceptable to me since he was probably the best player on the floor for the majority of his career.  It's no secret black guys are way more athletic than white guys.  Always have been and probably always will be.  And you can't parlay that advantage into more than one championship?  Triple double all you want Big O but you're only one title away from being in the same category as Fatrick Ewing.

Scottie Pippen - Never before has anyone executed coat tail riding better than Pippen.  The only reason Pippen has 6 titles is because Jordan was unguardable in the 90s.  Pippen had his chance to be the man in Chicago when Jordan decided to be a shit bag baseball player and even though Pippen put up numbers, he could never make the NBA finals without Michael.  He also became quite the diva cunt while Jordan was out humiliating himself on the baseball field.

There it is.  Pretty flawless on both ends if you ask me.  Good luck beating those because I know you can't.  I bet Prime and Larry's Mount Rushmore is Michael Jordan, Bill Wennington, Steve Kerr and B.J. Armstong.  G$'s is just Mark Price four times and Ace's has to be Gregg Popovich's four sexiest pop marks.  Sounds right.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Breaking Down All The Big Sports Stories From The Weekend

This needs to be Jonathon Quick's goalie helmet.
I wouldn't recommend it, but every once in a while ELITE husbands such as myself will do things that only interest the missus and not me at all.  Saturday night was one of those times.  We went and saw George Strait and Little Big League (or that's what they should have named themselves if they want to be taken seriously) at NWA.  This sort of thing is not my style at all but whatever.  At least Strait is a goddamn legend and not some fake homo country singer like Keef Urban or Luke "The Worst" Bryan.  He is legit.  Surprisingly, it wasn't bad a time.  I mean, I only knew about 10% of the songs but it was a perfectly cromulent evening.  There weren't many Obama votes or Michael Sam supporters in the arena OBVZ and watching those kinds of people is always enjoyable.  Commenter Jeff took his lady as well and we both concurred that it wasn't as awful as we were expecting.  It still felt like I was cheating on the Jackets though what with me being in their house when they weren't home.  The only problem that I had was the shithead sitting behind me who screamed like a little girl at the start of every song.  Dude bro, you are a grown man...stop shrieking.  He also spilled a little beer on my shoulder and absolutely did not apologize so I had no choice but to kill him. Rubes be rubes. 

The best part of this is now I have ammo to drag She$ to the Motley Crue Farewell Tour.  Deal with it, woman.  Anyway, let's do a good, bad, and ugly thing to recap what turned out to be a really fun sports weekend.

GOOD: USA Hockey!  Look, I'm not going to sit here and say "this is why hockey is so great and you are a fool to think otherwise".  If you don't like it, then you won't ever like it.  But if you are on the fence then you saw on Saturday morning why it is INCREDIBLE.  Especially in international competition.  USA/Russia was hyped as being an ELITE game and it lived up to it and then some.  I watched the first period before having to run baby-related errands with my horrible wife (widely chronicled on social media) but I did tape the replay.  THIS IS HOW IT IS DONE.  Folks, I'm not going to make any wild predictions for gold medals or anything, but there isn't any other country playing better than we are.  It sure as shit isn't Canada who is pure dog shit (much like their coach). 

I think that Olympic Hockey is so fascinating to the public because it is the one international team sport that we aren't and never will be the favorite.  Ever.  America will always be an underdog and America LOVES underdogs.  We also cherish athletic fat guys and Phil Kessel is a lardo.  Either way, this next week should be a lot of fun and I hope that we can keep this up.  If all goes well, Friday we could be playing those underachieving Canucks in the semis and, yeah, that's going to be intense.  Just know that I did not take a lot of joy after beating Russia on Saturday because of how many hurting Jackets were in that locker room.  In America, Bob shits bigger than TJ Oshie.  He came up short on Saturday, but Bob is still a pimp.  He is so fucking good at his craft.

Also, shootouts in The Olympics are DUMB.  You're playing a team game for gold medals so why are you deciding games with one on one competitions?  And why is the same guy allowed to go multiple times?  Just play 4 on 4 until someone scores.  Christ, even Bettman finds that rule dumb.

BAD: BBVA Compass! I spent my Friday night watching the Shining Stars Game or whatever the hell they call the Rookie/Soph game now.  Grant Hill's team beat C-Webb's (like usual) and this game continues to be the crown jewel of NBA All Star Weekend.  Andre Drummond battled illiteracy and barely any defensive challenge from domestic violence aficionado, Jared Sullinger, to record a 30/25(!) game and win the MVP.  Granted, it should have went to Dion Waiters as his ELITE play was the reason that they won (Drummond did most of his stat accumulating in the first half although a goddamn 30 and 25 is pretty impressive).  The Dion/Tim Hardaway Jr duel was really fun to watch.  Anyway, the sponsor was handing Drummond the MVP trophy, dropped it, and it shattered all over the place.  Andre had to hold up a wood block with shrapnel as a reward.  Basically, the MVP was given garbage for his efforts.  Which is really fitting because he lives in Detroit.  I LOL'd hard at this.

UGLY: The Dunk Contest!  I didn't watch this.  I saw the highlights (weren't many) and read the Twitter backlash though.  It seems like everyone HATED this.  And they hate it more and more every year.  Team dunking?  No real structure regarding who wins?  Someone on ESPN Radio had a good idea on fixing this since it will never go away: up the money.  No one good is going to do this when 25K is at stake.  Get some company to offer up 2 million for charity (or something...at least seven figures) and then the LeBrons and whatnot come off like assholes if they say no.  I like the 3 point shootout usually but when Marco Belinelli wins it, yawn.  Who the fuck invited that guy?

I'm just so happy that hockey interest is growing rapidly at the moment.  It's a great game and deserves more sustained exposure.  Well, except for Mike Milbury who is a fucking idiot and should never be listened to.  He is pretty much the Islanders answer to Matt Millen.  Oh, who am I kidding, Gary Bettman will do something to fuck all of this up again.  How about another pointless lockout?  AMERICA FUCK YEAH!

Friday, February 14, 2014

The Money Shot All Star Game

Gonna see A LOT of this
Big weekend coming up if you are someone who likes to be entertained by ELITE athletic competition. Of course, I’m talking about NBA All Star Weekend which is inconveniently trying to curb the Cavs’ unstoppable momentum (will not matter…this team is Finals bound, bruh). LOL JK, no one cares but it is a decent enough segue for what Grumpy started on Wednesday afternoon. I’m talking about TMS Open Gym Pick-Up Basketball. Drawing sides from the comment section and battling on the court sounds like a real HOOT.

Now, you all know me as the kind of guy that helps an opponent off the ground, sincerely asks how your family is doing, and pisses class, so I’m not going to bitch and moan about Grump picking his entire fucking team before I even made a selection. It’s what I expect from such a selfish diva. But it’s cool. I’m OK going through the old man’s garbage and finding treasure. But before that, let’s take another look at his team (with my SKRONG analysis in parentheses):

Damman at the 5 because he's the only one big enough to bang inside. His job is to rebound, play D and if we get 4-6 garbage pts. a night, it's gravy. (Again, this is a huge mistake because D has never played the post before)

Prime plays the 4. He can back you down or face up. Slow feet on defense, but Damman will be there to cover the guys who blow by him. (Prime is 6’6” 250 which is going to be a match-up nightmare but he talks of this great outside game and that makes me think that he’s Byron Mullens or Andrea Bargnani so I’m not worried about him anymore)

Randall is our 3. Can't play with his back to the basket, but is consistent from mid-range to waaay downtown. Likely the high scorer. (Will give up twice as many points as he scores…next)

I'm (Grumpy) the 2G. Great defense and deadly coming off picks. Can't get my own shot, but consistent catch and shoot. Besides, Coach Brown needs someone who remembers the 50's. (Christ, just what I need to see: a guy on Medicare wearing nut-hugger shorts, canvas shoes, and Kurt Rambis horn-rim glasses)

Jeff is the PG. I have no basis for this other than he looks athletic enough to play there and seems smart enough. I thought about Ide here, but his mental stability could be an issue. Dut could probably play the point, but then we have the whole distraction of a gay teammate. (I agree with his assessment on Jeff—he seems like the type that could run an offense and not turn the ball over…but these two Steeler fans just need to Michael Sam already and get it over with)

Not a bad team, but he left a lot of quality ballers on the sidelines and that’s who I will be picking from: The Leftovers. That is fine by me. I want a group with a chip on their shoulder and something to prove. OBVZ, I am the Captain of this outfit and will reward myself by playing one of the guard positions and throwing razor sharp elbows at an old man all game. That sounds like incredible fun. Let’s acknowledge the stalwarts that I passed on before I unveil my WINNING squadron:

Larry – Although knowing that you once threw up on Damman’s head nearly got you on the team
Cakes – LOL no
Dut – I don’t want anyone on my team who demands to be skins and no bottoms, too. He'd probably show up wearing daisy dukes and a see-through tank top
JSaul, NCNate (who is now OH Nate welcome back!) and GSaul – In the pool, yes, on the court, HELLS NAH!
MUDawg – You’ve got that SEC speed that I crave but I don’t know your measurables and that hurt your candidacy
J From JBeanie – You’re shorter than I am (maybe) and we’re going to need height with our white
Mr. Ace – Just because you know a lot of black dudes doesn’t mean that you can ball. My guess is that you are horrific. Feel free to be the ref or something. You look like you could be on the take.
Buke – Man, I really wanted to recreate some of that old Pacers championship magic with you but that was 15 years ago (HOLY SHIT). You’re going to be pissed when you see who I picked ahead of you so I’m apologizing now. Anyway: here is G$’s Team of Scrappy and Gritty Leftovers!!!

PG – G$: I mean come on. I’m more of a Combo Guard (ie: filled to the brim with Pizza Combos) though. I won’t shoot much but I will be relentless when it comes to playing dirty. I WILL undercut all of you when you go in for lay-ups (which we won’t be giving up anyway so it doesn’t matter). Might have to break out the Umbro shorts and RecSpecs just to show you that I mean business.  Never forget that I can touch the net.  FACT.

SG – Ide: Ugh, this one hurts. I can’t believe that I’ll be sharing a backcourt with this turd. The reason why I’m picking Bald Bull here is because he says that he played against Chris Paul and Josh Howard in college. This is probably a lie but it’s a better one than anyone else has told me. I like his STREMPH of Schedule. His rugged non-con will make playing against Jeff a breeze. Also, I like the idea of him calling everyone on the other team “Darkness” in the style of Rick James to Charlie Murphy (that sketch turned ten years old this week FYI).

SF – Seal: You idiots failed to remember that Bald Bull #2 was Mr. Basketball in the state of Ohio out of Cuy Falls! He went to Kentucky on a hoops scholarship but got kicked off the team for doing his homework. Tubby Smiff didn’t care for that behavior. I’m going to put him on Randall Stevens and crank up the Drowning Pool. LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!

PF – Drew: If I remember correctly, Drew at one time played a sizable amount of pick-up ball. Plus, he’s about Damman’s size so they can bang around all game. You might notice that my team has some ELITE chemistry issues. AND HOW! We’ll probably call ourselves the Frenemies. This roster is a real Chris Grant Special.  But we all have one thing in common that will unite us for the greater good: FUCK GRUMPY.
C – Andrew B: This was a tough position to pick because Prime is by far the tallest bro we’ve got and no one else really comes close. So I did a little digging on Andrew B as we have been communicating via email over the past week since I owe him contest money (PAID). Yep, he's Andrew Bynum!  His wacky antics should make practices fun!

I think that it’s pretty safe to say that The Frenemies are the superior team over The Grumpkins. Plus, we’d drink you under the table because the drink is semen and we all know that Ide Drinks Cum. Count it. But The Money Shot All Star Game also has other events over the course of the weekend.
Celebrity Game MVP – Racist Gruden
Skills Contest Champion – Seal (too FAST for the rest)
3 Point Shootout – Randall Stevens
Dunk Contest – Prime (he is the only guy that can dunk a regulation rim likely)

As great as this weekend sounds on paper, it will never come to pass because a certain “triple threat” is too much of a BITCH to show his face at RibFest. Man, this game would be perfect for RibFest. Oh well, we’ll always be able to talk shit in the comments to each other instead of on the court. Happy Valentine’s Day, queerbates!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

ACEterview: Michael Sam Don't Play That Gay Shit

Yes, that is Sam fucking a bodybuilding drag queen with a unicorn and rainbow in the background
Once again, Mr. Ace has the exclusive interview that every sports journalist wants; Michael Sam. Obviously, we are all well aware of the big announcement that Mr. Sam made to the world over the weekend. He likes the D, and I'm not talking about defense. If you read the Incognito/Martin texts then you can probably understand why having a gay dude in the lockerroom might be a little....weird? Are his teammates cool if he gets after male hookers? Will they pop molly with him? These are the questions that I need answered, along with what he was really thinking about when banging all those chicks.

Mr. Ace: So what was it like growing up gay? When did you know you were different?
Michael Sam: At first it was really hard for me. Ever since I was 10 I knew that I was different. I just couldn't identify with the kids in my neighborhood. They would all be talking about their Jordan's or their FUBU jerseys, all I could think about was my pink L.A. Gears. When those things lit up, all eyes were on me. I just wanted people to see me for me.
ME: So was it tough on you, or were you able to find a group of friends who accepted you?
MS: I cried a lot as a kid. Most of the people I grew up with were spending time on the playground, building things with Lego's, playing cops and robbers, or playing catch with their dad. I was cooking with my mom, learning how to put makeup on with my cousins, or dreaming about one day being able to marry the man of my dreams.
ME: I'm really sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how tough that would be.
MS: HA! You believed that shit?
ME: Well yeah, why the fuck wouldn't I? There isn't exactly a blueprint on gay NFL players.
MS: Fuck no that ain't how it was. This ain't no fucking faggy ass Macklemore video. I was born trill and I stay trill. Because I fuck dudes I gotta wear a skirt?
ME: I never said that.
MS: I'll make you put a skirt on real fast, gayboy.
ME: Yeah, lets not do that.

ME: So what was it really like then? Did your family know?
MS: My brother would be like, "Yo cunt, come play with these G.I. Joes. And when you put them away they better not have be laying face to face with their legs wrapped around each other. Some type of gay shit." After my G.I. Joes were done killing shit, they just wanted to cuddle. But Big Mike don't cuddle no more. Once I skeet you gotta hit the street.
ME: Speaking of skeeting, how was it banging chicks? I assume you weren't out your entire life.
MS: My dick is an equal opportunity provider. If a girl wanted it bad enough, I'd give it to her.
ME: So you are no stranger to the vagina?
MS: Whoa whoa whoa, who said anything about pussy? I don't touch that. I get the guts through the butts.
ME: Okay. So you're bi for buttholes?
MS: I've never heard it put so beautifully. Yeah, bi for buttholes.

ME: How do you feel about what your dad has been saying in the media?
MS: Man, fuck him. I saw him suckin dick for rocks on several occasions. Bet he didn't mention that in his little interview.
ME: No. No he did not. So did he really have no idea you were gay until Tuesday?
MS: The motherfucker has known for awhile. I made that bitch accept my sexuality.
ME: How did you do that?
MS: I made him accept it. Often.
ME: So you fucked your dad?
MS: I fucked a crackhead. And he was calling me daddy.
ME: Umm.............

MS: So I hear you like the tofu, you little fucking fairy. I only talk to guys who are on a strict all meat diet.
ME: I am glad to hear that because--
MS: Why don't you spread your butt cheeks open and make room for this dark meat stick.
ME: Is this how you talk to all guys? Or just white guys who you know you can physically dominate?
MS: It's all pink on the inside.
ME: You make me incredibly uncomfortable.
MS: It's because you can imagine me inside you and you don't know how much you would like it.
ME: Like I said...incredibly uncomfortable.

ME: What about the shower scene? One of the things that is always brought about when talking about gay athletes is them being dong watchers.
MS: I take what I want when I'm in the shower. Prison rules, bitch. Look at me sideways and watch your butt hole gape.
ME: So how do your teammates react?
MS: My favorite thing to do in the shower is grab my dick by the head and move my dick hole like it's a mouth. My dick goes over to the kicker every day after practice and says "Get over here, fag. You know I like that fruity booty you got under that towel." He'd look away all scared. Then when he finally got in the shower I'd run up on him, dick in hand, barking like a dog. Motherfucker transferred.
ME: How about what goes on in the pile? When guys are fighting for the ball after the fumble, you always hear players talking about getting their cock tugged or a thumb in the butt. Do you get any more enjoyment out of it then others?
MS: That's when all those fruity fucks come after me. A sports lockerroom is the gayest place on earth, and during those pile ups is when it all comes out. Zach Mettenberger's gay ass was trying to suck my dick through his facemask. A.J. McCarron asked me to have a threesome with him and his girl. I bet Cam Newton will be begging me to fist him after my first strip sack against the Panthers. Those motherfuckers in the closet are the ones you gotta look out for. They'll be up in you real fast if you don't watch. That's why I keep my shit tight at all times. The only thing that gets inside my butt is your tongue. Toss that salad, boy.
ME: I think our time is about up.
MS: TOSS IT!

ME: So if you had a message to GM's in the NFL, what would it be.
MS: I like fucking dudes. BUT I LOVE FUCKING QUARTERBACKS. BANG BANG SKEET SKEET.

This guy is 1st round material in my book. Just protect your butt hole.

And here is this to wash the gay off

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Open Forum: College Hoops!

THERE IS NO DANA, ONLY ZUUL!!!
If there is one thing that I’ve learned about the internet during my years as America’s #1 blogger, it is that you have to pick your battles. Granted, I win all of mine anyway but that is not the point. Some days, you know what is going to drive the comments. On these days, you avoid the usual A+ material in lieu of something that the unwashed masses will want. It isn’t about catering to my idiot fans. It is about not wasting my time. With the Ohio/WE ON basketball game last night (I believe the only one on the schedule this season), I’m taking it easy on myself today. Don’t worry—there will be a sufficient amount of hot takes still.

It’s an interesting game, fo sho, as both teams have had their ups and downs this season and it’s about time to figure things out for the stretch drive. Ohio still can’t score consistently which probably has everything to do with Greg Paulus. Michigan still misses Mitch McGary-Hoffman-Durham greatly (as we all do) as Jordan Morgan is useless which makes sense considering that he came to Ann Arbor with Rumeal Robinson. This game will be won on the wings. Hopefully, it was a really good game. I just wish that they could both lose. How about some college hoops-related HOT TAKES to fill out today’s post?

*Damman was offered a free ticket to the game last night and turned it down because he wouldn’t get him until late. This is so sad. Everyone better rip him good today. Typical Big Lots Buckeye if you ask me…valuing a few extra minutes of sleep over an intense rivalry. GSaul probably went wearing a red polo or whatever because he likes to play both sides. You are fooling no one!

*Larry Brown (former manager at Kahoots--never forget) might be the greatest basketball coach to ever live. Sure, he can’t stay in one place for longer than 40 minutes, but those are 40 incredible minutes. He has SMU ranked in a little over one year. SMU! That’s Craig James school! Larry Brown would be a great coach for the Cavs (hint hint).

*Who the fuck is your Coach of the Year this season? There are a ton of solid options when you factor in Brown, Gregg Marshall, Steve Fisher, and Sean Miller (as well as guys like Jim Boeheim). It’s kind of hard to argue against Marshall or Fisher whose teams could possibly be fucking ONE SEEDS next month.

*Speaking of Sean Miller, Arizona might be in a little bit of trouble. Brandon Ashley’s season-ending injury clearly has the Cats struggling to find a new identity, which sucks, because that team was incredible when at full health.

*The Big 12 is the best conference. Yeah, ya heard me. It is. Great coaching, NBA lottery talent, and (outside of TCU) no gimmes on the schedule. That is a really fun conference to watch and that was even before you factor in that their players like to fight the fans. Also: KUBoobs is the greatest Twitter follow ever. I should have went to Kansas. So many huge boobs.

*Speaking of Kansas, Joel Embiid is incredible. But, you can slow your fucking roll with that #1 pick nonsense. Hells nah, BRAH. If I have the #1 pick this Summer (the Cavs will not because they are contractually obligated to only getting that pick in bad draft classes), I’m not taking a guy who is raw and still growing into his body. I’m taking the fucking scorer. Wiggins is still the guy (or Parker, I suppose). Don’t get me wrong, I’m an Embiid fan, but I’m starting a rebuild with that kid.

That’s it for today. Plenty of bouncy ball talk to go around and we didn’t even talk about homosexuality or race! Biggest upset of the week. To be completely transparent, I probably didn’t watch more than a few minutes of the Ohio/WE ON game anyway since Tuesdays were meant for Justified. In conclusion, Trey Burke Sucks.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Big Black Gay Elephant In The Room


"Why is that mic shaped like a dick?  Is that supposed to be your idea of a fucking joke?"



It was only a matter of time before this happened.  Unless you've all been face first in a pile of dicks for the last two days or out lying to everyone about a movie deal you're about to land, you've heard about Michael Sam coming out.  I watched the interview with Sam two nights ago on that tabloid network called ESPN and here are some thoughts I had:

-Good for him.  Like I said before, eventually this was going to happen and it was always going to take a strong willed person to pull it off.  Listening to Sam talk about his past...what he's over come, what his family has been through, what he's seen...I have no doubt he's the man for the job.

-He came out to his teammates.  So they knew and didn't care.  Good for them.  That's how it should be.  It didn't matter to them and it shouldn't matter.  Dude was pretty sick on the field and helped them win a lot of games.

-He's not very well spoken and that bottom row of a bear trap he's calling teeth needs some serious dental work.  He also came off as incredibly nervous but for a pretty legit reason.  But still, all of the above mentioned things were kinda distracting.

-Being black before being gay...he's probably heard it all.  People are going to have to get pretty creative to come up with an insult that actually fires this guy up.  I can hear the rusty wheels in Ide's head grinding.

-Ryan Clark hates homosexuals.  I don't recall exactly what he said when ESPN called to interview him, but in my head it was something about hating gay people.  Because that sounds like something Pittsburgh guys do.  Hate gays and defend rapists.  I DO, however, remember thinking that Clark didn't handle the question very well and sounded very uncomfortable at the idea of Sam being a teammate of his.  Clark should just go back to worrying about his sickle cell AIDS blood.

-Speaking of hating gay people, I am begging Karma does us all a solid and finds a way to get Sam on the 49ers with Chris Culliver.  I would watch ever single 49ers game if that happened.  Mother of Baby Jesus that would be one of the best fucking things ever.  Even better than fake tits, maybe.

-Sam's draft stock won't be affected like some think it will.  Before this was even announced, Sam was graded out to be a 3rd round pick at best.  I don't think Sam being gay will scare off GMs any more than drafting a guy in the 3rd round with character issues would.  I think when it comes to NFL brass, talent always trumps everything else.  It's why the Browns burned a 2nd round pick in the supplementary draft on a guy who loves weed more than Pacman Jones loves stuffing one dollar bills up strippers pussies.

-What I'm seeing is that most seem to think his teammates won't care.  I don't know if I fully agree with that.  I played football for 4 years in high school.  My freshman year we had this huge, lardo of an offensive/defensive lineman we always knew was gay.  It was pretty obvious and he seemed to make it even more obvious by making awkward comments about girls and shit he wanted to do to them.  He was a combination of Andy from 40 Year Old Virgin and the bartender from Out Cold.  Years after we graduated, he came out and no one was shocked.  Now...while we played, we all made fun of him.  A LOT.  But not because we knew he was gay.  It's because he was fucking terrible and didn't belong on the football field.  No one ever was uncomfortable getting tackled by him...probably because he couldn't tackle a stationary dummy bag.  COUNT IT!  No one gave a shit if he was in the same shower.  Because no matter how crappy of a football player he was, he was our teammate and we respected him.

Now.  Without getting too corny, for those who have played high school football before, you'll understand exactly what I'm about to say when it comes to teammates.  Football is the most brutal sport you can join at the high school level.  It is, so stop trying to find a sport that demands more.  When you make a commitment to join that team, you know that you're putting your body and mind through the fucking ringer every single day you strap on the pads.  You also know that the guy to your left and right made that same commitment you did.  And that shit means something.  Even if you don't like every person on that team, you respect every person on that team because you know exactly what they're sacrificing to be there.  Gay, straight, black, white, yellow, smart, dumb.  It doesn't matter.  I have your back and you have mine.

Having said that...I believe that MOST guys in this league won't have a problem with Sam's homosexuality.  But some will.  Enough to make things pretty uncomfortable.  Because the NFL isn't high school football.  People don't always play for the guy next to them in the NFL.  That's what happens when money is involved.  Egos take over and egos hardly ever do the right thing.  Egos also have a tendency of getting people in trouble, especially when the egos are doing all of the talking.  So while I applaud Sam for what he did Sunday, that fucker better come ready to play and he better have the thick skin he claims he has.  Because things will probably get worse before they get better.  And if Sam crumbles under the pressure of what's to come, then everything he set out to accomplish by this decision will get buried and set this movement back at least another 20 years.  No pressure, bruh.


Monday, February 10, 2014

GO BACK TO AFRICA! Or Something...

The only true Superfan is Mark Bockelman, bruh!
In the world of hockey, the term "Bobby Orr Hat Trick" refers to a player scoring a goal, recording an assist, and getting into a fight all during the course of one game.  In Lubbock, TX, the "Jeff Orr Hat Trick" means that you watch your team pull off an upset win, say a bunch of racist stuff, and then get into a fight with a black kid more than half your age".  Needless to say, Jeff Orr pulled off the trifecta on Saturday night.  And in dominating fashion to boot!

I've been writing about race a lot here recently and it is because I am not afraid or ashamed to take on the STRONG TAKES.  Today will be no different.  Let's be honest: the incident at Texas Tech with Marcus Smart on Saturday was not good.  I was watching ESPN when it happened (because I am lame) and, sadly, this was not shocking to me at all.  I was more surprised at my mother-in-law yelling at the manager of Applebee's earlier because they don't carry The Big Ten Network (which was hilarious but really embarrassing) and she wasn't able to watch the second half of the Ohio game.  I mean, why the fuck wouldn't a restaurant with Ohio stuff on the wall carry the Big Ten Network?  Whatever.  Let's break this down:

Marcus Dumb has been losing his marbles for awhile now - If you've been paying attention at all to college hoops this year, you know that Smart is regressing under the YUGE expectations that have been put on his shoulders since he decided to come back for a second season in Stillwater.  He hasn't played to his (and America's for that matter) lofty standards.  He has been getting more and more frustrated visibly over the past few weeks.  Something was going to give sooner than later.  Attacking a fan, though, was not what I had in mind (but I will take it).  Make no mistake and don't try to excuse this: He was 100% wrong to do what he did.

It doesn't even matter what Jeff Orr said - The mainstream media seems to be confused by this.  Smart was born and raised in Texas.  Whatever Orr might have said, I have to believe that he has already heard from fans a thousand times before.  It sucks and it is wrong.  I get that.  Grown men should know better.  But that doesn't give any athlete carte blanche to pie-face a mouthy asshole.  EVER.  I'm positive that the superfan deserved to lose some teeth for being a middle-aged child, but not from Marcus.  FACT.

The lady next to Orr is a delight - I have no idea how I would have reacted to the ugly situation, but pointing at the kid with a "did you see that" look was LOLZ.  Yeah, lady, everyone saw it.  Congrats on becoming a meme.

Nice officiating, Big 12 refs - One of the best players in the country just blew his top and went after a fan a few rows deep behind the basket.  How about we get him out of there and administer an extremely limp-wristed technical foul!  I would love to hear the logic behind not kicking Smart out of the game there.  Ed Hightower would have been all over this.

Walking back to the locker room in a defiant manner didn't help - Poor job by Travis Ford (typical from a UK alum) by not getting his fragile stud out of there immediately.  It's easy to criticize now but Smart needed to be taken out of there ASAP and not still be around while the fans stormed the floor.  I'm actually surprised that nothing happened then.  If I were a Red Raider student, I would have immediately got as close to Smart as I could have and told him that I disapproved of his actions and wished him luck in his future endeavors.  Because I am all class, you see.

What should the Big 12 do here? - Glad you asked!  By the time that this posts, the punishment will probably already be handed down by the league.  Personally, I think he should be suspended for the rest of the regular season but eligible for postseason play.  It needs to be stiff.  You can't do what Ron Artest and Vernon Maxwell have done.  Don't give me that "heat of battle" garbage or excusing this because of a racist remark.  That is irrelevant.  Don't lose sight of the issue here just because a dipshit white guy ran his mouth.  Dipshit white guys (Ide) run their mouths all the time.

At least we know who will lose in the first round now - Yeah, when it comes time to fill out your brackets, it doesn't matter who they Cowboys are playing (if they even make it at all now).  Pick them to lose because they will.

Now that football season is over, I sometimes worry about a lack of things to talk about.  One of the better players in college basketball heading into the second row to push a fat bigot really helped ease my doubt!  I don't know where Marcus Smart would have been picked this coming June (probably in the 5-10 range) but now I think that he'll be lucky to go in the lottery.  Even bad teams like the Cavs and Pistons don't want angry and mentally weak guys that want to fight everybody.  Marcus might be a nice fit for the Sambos though (no offense).

Before I finish my HOT TAEK, I want to tell a related story.  In December of 1999, I made the trek down to Millett Hall with a bunch of guys from my freshmen dorm as Xavier was in town (coached by Skip Prosser and a young David West was on the team).  The RedHawks managed a nice 9 point win over the Musketeers whose best player was a big guy named Aaron Turner.  Toward the end of the game, when it was decided, Turner looked up into the student section where a young G$ was prominently featured so I did what any normal person would do...I pointed at Turner and acted out the motion of him performing aggressive oral sex on me with both of my hands on the back of his head.  MATURITY BRAH.  He nodded his head and mock laughed at the ELITE homo gesture (wait, did he agree to my terms? am I interacially gay?).  And that was that.  That is how fans and players should interact.  With gay innuendo (in your end-o).

I'm sorry that Marcus Smart felt the need to attack a random racist during a game.  But let's be honest here, what was said to him was not even close to all of the awful shit that was said toward JJ Redick during his Duke days.  NOT EVEN CLOSE.  Then again, everything said about Redick was true.  This was a shitty situation where no one is right, but Smart broke the cardinal rule of being an ELITE athlete.  And now he needs to pay.