|All The Oscars!|
The regular season is now over. Thank God. This was a bad year. Hopefully, the playoffs will be rock solid.
Browns Management - I wanted to start today by roasting that rotten filth Josh Gordon for getting suspended yesterday but I won't. Oh, I'm sure that he technically deserves it but then I read why the team is doing it and fuck them. If he plays in 6 games then it counts as a year on his contract. If they sit him, he becomes a restricted free agent after next year instead of unrestricted. This is SO DUMB. First of all, if this guy is a nightmare then why are you saving years on someone that you hate. Second, good luck getting him to re-sign for more years. He and his agent won't forget this penny-pinching awful piece of business. Not only is Gordon a fucktard but now you are messing with his money. This will not work out well for the Browns. Basically, would they be suspending people if they were playing for something. FUCK NO. By the way, nice first round draft picks this year. Way to whiff! At least you get two more whiffs next year! Basically, the Browns are trying to have their cake and eat it, too, but they forget that they are the Browns and dessert is always served in a toilet. And Jimmy Haslam's postgame quotes about growing up and being pros is fucking hilarious. Thanks for the career advice, felon!
Jason Garrett - As expected, the Cowboys fucking murdered us because we are bad and they are way better unfortunately. But he left his brittle starters in the game until almost the two minute warning. This game was over at halftime and he kept tempting fate. This was SO STUPID. It didn't fuck them but it should have. The Redskins season is over. I texted my dad yesterday that his birthday present was the longest amount of time before the next Skins game. Solid gift IMO. Fire Haslett.
Marcus Mariota and Jameis Winston - Much as I expected, one of you will end up in Tampa and the other in Nashville. It appeared to me that Lovie was reminded at halftime that you better tank this fucking game or you're fired. And he did it with aplomb and CLASS!
JJ Watt - Is he the best player in the NFL? Yes. Is he the MVP? Probably. Should people care, like, AT ALL? Absolutely fucking not. These individual awards mean NOTHING to anyone but the player and maybe the organization. Unless you are a part of that, Bill Simmons, then quit your bitching.
Jay Catler - Just had to get one more horseshit game in there before leaving town! I loved the headline from Sunday morning that "some Bears coaches are in fear of losing their job". LOL shouldn't all of them be!
Brent Grimes - I thought that this guy was a really good CB until Eric Decker embarrassed him and Geno Smith somehow was the ONLY QB THIS YEAR to have a perfect QB Rating in a game. Good for Rex Ryan to get a win on his way out the door. Sad to hear that he packed up his office before heading down to Miami.
Dwayne Bowe - You were ONE INCH from breaking the touchdown drought but you just had to fumble, you loser! I feel bad for Marmalard. He is such a cocksucker out there and deserves success but his teammates are just awful. He was throwing passes to Eddie Royal and Handjob Inman (first name irrelevant).
The Sanchise/El Shitbox - Unless something goes horribly wrong, we may have just seen the final start in the mediocre career of #6. I will miss idiots talking themselves into believing in Sanchez. Hi, Ace!
Jeff Fisher - Another last place 6-10 season for this motherfucker. How's that troll game coming? Don't worry, you get to play the Skins again next year because the two of us always finish in the basement so you have plenty of time to think of a new fuckface maneuver to embarrass yourself with.
Matt Ryan and Mike Smith - What a couple of fucking losers. I had absolutely no faith in these two winning a big time game and they proved me to be correct. Sorry, Dawg, but you root for a clown team, bro.
Matthew Stafford - When the Lions were a mediocre team, at least they were fun to watch. Somehow, their offense is just putrid now which probably has a lot to do with the emotion coming from the head coach. They're a boring team now. Granted, most would trade that for wins but I'm not a fan and I demand to be entertained. It's bad enough that I have to watch Ryan Lindley next week, I don't want another shitty offense out there, too.
Ndamukong Suh - YOU SONOFABITCH! Just kidding...that stomp was unintentional. Obvz, America loved the Rainbow Warrior returning from his deadly calf injury (halftime treatment = Playgirl magazine) but I didn't see any malice in the Suh step. Raiola will probably fight him for not stomping with more flare and pinache! Hell of a game by Rodgers though. Would anyone be mad if we got GB/SEA in the NFC Title game? Didn't think so.
Jim Harbaugh - Some guy named Bacon reported late on Saturday night that Jimmy to Michigan was a done deal (reported here on 9/10 like a FUCKING BOSS). By the time this posts, it may be official or perhaps later today. Either way, shit just got way interesting in the Big Ten and way worse in SF. I hope that the Niners know what they're doing because Jimmy helped build that new stadium and that roster all of a sudden doesn't look as good. I could definitely see these guys be bad again without the right hire. Just to be clear because I know that morons here will try to trap me: I said that the Bears SHOULD go after Harbaugh. Never wavered from Michigan though because I am great and you are not.
FANTASY! - The G$FL wrapped up its 12th season this week and, barring a weirdo Martavis Bryant monster game, K-Dog will ride Luck, Murray, and Arian to his first league title. Damman will finish second. And Big Pimpin' G$ secured third with an easy victory over the Redheaded Duts. Payment will come out probably on New Year's Day when I'm bored. Also in my OTHER LEAGUE, year 22 ended with one of sports greatest streaks ceasing. After going 0 for the first 21 years, the brother of the Cummish brought home his first championship. That's a long fucking time and Bling deserves the victory!
Today is Black Monday (no offense to Jim Caldwell)! Oh man, that means a lot of fuckers are getting canned! I'm picking Joe Philbin, Rex Ryan, Tom Coughlin, Mike Smith, Marc The Pederast, and maybe Jeff Fisher or Sean Payton. Should be a hoot! What kind of matchups do we have next week? CIN/PIT vs IND or BAL..OK. DET/DAL...I'm liking it. AZ/CAR...WTF? KILL THIS GAME. Is this the worst football game ever? PK's sources say MAYBE!