Monday, December 29, 2014

The Worst of Week Seventeen Vol.VIII

All The Oscars!
The reason for the season is officially over so now it's time that we all acted like it was Halloween and analyze what we got for Christmas.  I've long been one to complain about gift-receiving at the in-laws but it is starting to turn into my favorite part of the holidays.  I look forward to finding out what I will be giving away at next year's white elephant.  This year was no different.  My mother-in-law seems to only shop for me at Woods Auto Supply as I got some sort of neck pillow for drivers, a padded seat cover, and a tire pump.  It was incredible.  I could have bought all of that stuff at a Shell gas station.  The key is to act like it is practical and you could use it (although we're going to use the pump on our stroller).  On the ELITE side of things, I received a shit load of meat and a new coat to walk the dog in.  I'm not greedy.  Let us all know of your ELITE presents and also what went straight into the dumpster.

The regular season is now over.  Thank God.  This was a bad year.  Hopefully, the playoffs will be rock solid.

Browns Management - I wanted to start today by roasting that rotten filth Josh Gordon for getting suspended yesterday but I won't.  Oh, I'm sure that he technically deserves it but then I read why the team is doing it and fuck them.  If he plays in 6 games then it counts as a year on his contract.  If they sit him, he becomes a restricted free agent after next year instead of unrestricted.  This is SO DUMB.  First of all, if this guy is a nightmare then why are you saving years on someone that you hate.  Second, good luck getting him to re-sign for more years.  He and his agent won't forget this penny-pinching awful piece of business.  Not only is Gordon a fucktard but now you are messing with his money.  This will not work out well for the Browns.  Basically, would they be suspending people if they were playing for something.  FUCK NO.  By the way, nice first round draft picks this year. Way to whiff!  At least you get two more whiffs next year!  Basically, the Browns are trying to have their cake and eat it, too, but they forget that they are the Browns and dessert is always served in a toilet.  And Jimmy Haslam's postgame quotes about growing up and being pros is fucking hilarious.  Thanks for the career advice, felon!

Jason Garrett - As expected, the Cowboys fucking murdered us because we are bad and they are way better unfortunately.  But he left his brittle starters in the game until almost the two minute warning.  This game was over at halftime and he kept tempting fate.  This was SO STUPID.  It didn't fuck them but it should have.  The Redskins season is over.  I texted my dad yesterday that his birthday present was the longest amount of time before the next Skins game.  Solid gift IMO.  Fire Haslett.

Marcus Mariota and Jameis Winston - Much as I expected, one of you will end up in Tampa and the other in Nashville.  It appeared to me that Lovie was reminded at halftime that you better tank this fucking game or you're fired.  And he did it with aplomb and CLASS!

JJ Watt - Is he the best player in the NFL?  Yes.  Is he the MVP?  Probably.  Should people care, like, AT ALL?  Absolutely fucking not.  These individual awards mean NOTHING to anyone but the player and maybe the organization.  Unless you are a part of that, Bill Simmons, then quit your bitching.

Jay Catler - Just had to get one more horseshit game in there before leaving town!  I loved the headline from Sunday morning that "some Bears coaches are in fear of losing their job".  LOL shouldn't all of them be!

Brent Grimes - I thought that this guy was a really good CB until Eric Decker embarrassed him and Geno Smith somehow was the ONLY QB THIS YEAR to have a perfect QB Rating in a game. Good for Rex Ryan to get a win on his way out the door.  Sad to hear that he packed up his office before heading down to Miami.

Dwayne Bowe - You were ONE INCH from breaking the touchdown drought but you just had to fumble, you loser!  I feel bad for Marmalard.  He is such a cocksucker out there and deserves success but his teammates are just awful. He was throwing passes to Eddie Royal and Handjob Inman (first name irrelevant).

The Sanchise/El Shitbox - Unless something goes horribly wrong, we may have just seen the final start in the mediocre career of #6.  I will miss idiots talking themselves into believing in Sanchez.  Hi, Ace!

Jeff Fisher - Another last place 6-10 season for this motherfucker.  How's that troll game coming?  Don't worry, you get to play the Skins again next year because the two of us always finish in the basement so you have plenty of time to think of a new fuckface maneuver to embarrass yourself with.

Matt Ryan and Mike Smith - What a couple of fucking losers.  I had absolutely no faith in these two winning a big time game and they proved me to be correct.  Sorry, Dawg, but you root for a clown team, bro.

Matthew Stafford - When the Lions were a mediocre team, at least they were fun to watch.  Somehow, their offense is just putrid now which probably has a lot to do with the emotion coming from the head coach.  They're a boring team now.  Granted, most would trade that for wins but I'm not a fan and I demand to be entertained.  It's bad enough that I have to watch Ryan Lindley next week, I don't want another shitty offense out there, too.

Ndamukong Suh - YOU SONOFABITCH!  Just kidding...that stomp was unintentional.  Obvz, America loved the Rainbow Warrior returning from his deadly calf injury (halftime treatment = Playgirl magazine) but I didn't see any malice in the Suh step.  Raiola will probably fight him for not stomping with more flare and pinache!  Hell of a game by Rodgers though.  Would anyone be mad if we got GB/SEA in the NFC Title game?  Didn't think so.

Jim Harbaugh - Some guy named Bacon reported late on Saturday night that Jimmy to Michigan was a done deal (reported here on 9/10 like a FUCKING BOSS).  By the time this posts, it may be official or perhaps later today.  Either way, shit just got way interesting in the Big Ten and way worse in SF.  I hope that the Niners know what they're doing because Jimmy helped build that new stadium and that roster all of a sudden doesn't look as good.  I could definitely see these guys be bad again without the right hire.  Just to be clear because I know that morons here will try to trap me: I said that the Bears SHOULD go after Harbaugh.  Never wavered from Michigan though because I am great and you are not.

FANTASY! - The G$FL wrapped up its 12th season this week and, barring a weirdo Martavis Bryant monster game, K-Dog will ride Luck, Murray, and Arian to his first league title.  Damman will finish second.  And Big Pimpin' G$ secured third with an easy victory over the Redheaded Duts.  Payment will come out probably on New Year's Day when I'm bored.  Also in my OTHER LEAGUE, year 22 ended with one of sports greatest streaks ceasing.  After going 0 for the first 21 years, the brother of the Cummish brought home his first championship.  That's a long fucking time and Bling deserves the victory!

Today is Black Monday (no offense to Jim Caldwell)!  Oh man, that means a lot of fuckers are getting canned!  I'm picking Joe Philbin, Rex Ryan, Tom Coughlin, Mike Smith, Marc The Pederast, and maybe Jeff Fisher or Sean Payton.  Should be a hoot!  What kind of matchups do we have next week?  CIN/PIT vs IND or BAL..OK.  DET/DAL...I'm liking it.  AZ/CAR...WTF?  KILL THIS GAME.  Is this the worst football game ever?  PK's sources say MAYBE!

41 comments:

Grumpy said...

Suh's stomp was intentional. WTF were you watching?

Michigan has a presser scheduled for Tuesday.

I wish we had a Bengals fan in the bunch. Punch that team in the mouth and they quit. Their fans are whiny little bitches, too.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Grump, that was absolutely intentional. The first step wasnt- the second, where he made sure all of his weight was used, was.

Seal

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at Suh's stomp not being intentional.

LOLZ at your stance on the Browns. They shouldn't reward Gordon for being an idiot.

Never understood why Jeff Fisher is considered to be this great coach. Hasn't he had like three winning seasons in his career? I don't think he's had any in the last 10.

I'm now 2-5 in Super Bowls in the G$FL having lost my last three trips. Big shoutout to Julius Thomas, TY Hilton and Vincent Jackson for all posting zero points for me.

-Damman

-Damman

GMoney said...

I mis-typed. Maybe it was intentional (probably), but I don't think he was trying to hurt him. More like annoy him. Probably a hate crime though considering the orientation of that QB.

They also shouldn't draft QBs based on the opinion of a homeless man. All I'm saying is that you've put up with a lot of his shit and now expect him to be a house n-word overnight. That isn't going to happen. This is who he is. He does dumb shit. If you don't like it then get him the fuck out of town. But pulling a contract card which is beneficial to only you and will only make this relationship worse is SO DUMB. Yes, Gordon will definitely figure shit out as soon as he goes to New England or wherever and it will be annoying but it isn't going to happen in the land where LeBron quits every other night. I just hate the bullshit excuse that he was suspended for showing up late. Fuck that.

By the way, last week I said that now that the league has figured out Kyle Shanahan, people would be thrown under the bus. Here come the excuses. Johnny and Josh are taking away the blame that should be going to the man calling the horseshit plays. This is how that family works.

I was going to say that the Steelers could win the AFC but if Bell ain't healthy then hell nah BRAH.

Jeff said...

Step was totally intentional. He knew his leg was there after the first step and then put all his weight into the next one. Would've been one thing if he was pushing off to run down the play, but he was standing straight up.
He's a shithead.

Jeff said...

Yes, obvz the steelers hopes are all on Bells health.

Mr. Ace said...

HARBAUGH

GMoney said...

Give me credit, Ape, I had the scoop months ago.

Anonymous said...

Your stance on the Browns/Gordon is absolutely ridiculous. That asshole has fucked us so bad multiple times now and you think we should have given him the benefit of the doubt for being late to a mandatory team meeting, and let him play so he isn't and unrestricted free agent? LOLZZZZZZZZZ Come on man... youre better than that. You can't really believe that. Had he not been an absolute scum bag, then I perfectly fine with him getting a break... but STOP BREAKING THE RULES and you would have been able to play your SIX fucking games this year. He's lucky they changed the drug policy so he could play any games at all! So dumb.

Seal

Anonymous said...

G$...I made out like a bandit on Christmas per the usual. Cash, gift cards to restaurants, a couple good Bourbon bottles and some nice clothes.

Lions game was disappointing, but nobody thought they were going to win. Check that...I started thinking they might when Rodgers was out and we tied it. Oh well. LOLZ at Grumpy and Damman calling that a "stomp". You pussies. At least Slow and Jeff don't have to overexaggerate a "step" when trying to make a point. I wish it had torn Rodgers calf worse.

Stafford was poor again yesterday. At least Dallas will be indoors/nice weather which he usually excels in. Bush played well for the second straight week as well,so his injuries may be finally behind him. I think it will be a close game and you never know when Romo will Romo.

More should be made of Manziel hosting a party that made a lot of teammates late and him a no-show for a walkthrough...just days after saying that he was going to take his job way more serious. He's cut-worthy just because he sucks too.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Ryan the first to go. Along with the GM.

GMoney said...

Why draw the line in the sand now when you should have done it years ago? Like I said, had something been on the line this week, they would have done nothing. It's not like him being an idiot is new.

Get rid of him. Don't try to play it both ways and keep him restricted or whatever out of hopes that you can sucker a trade partner or whatever this move does. It's shady business and players and agents aren't going to forget this. This will be used against you in the future.

I'll tell you what though, the front office accomplished their mission. Now you can spend the entire offseason blaming Gilbert and Johnny and Gordon instead of the people that tried to build around those guys.

GMoney said...

Anyone else see Rodgers trying to pinch Suh's ass? Typical of the gays.

How does Romo out-Romo past Romos...losing to the Lions at home seems like a good place to start. ROAR!

Anonymous said...

Detroit Free Press states "All signs lead to Harbaugh" in today's paper and it had a picture of JOHN Harbaugh instead of Jim. WTF??

GMoney said...

LOL Mitch Albom sucks

Anonymous said...

Excellent point Seal about how Gordon should have missed the whole season. But I suppose G$ will blame the Browns for the policy change and allowing him to play this year and get close to required games played. Poor Josh! He never catches any breaks! If suspending a 25 time offender one game is shady business, then I'll gladly accept the ramifications of that.

Oh yeah, Drew. Suh has definitely earned the benefit of the doubt with his clean play over the years.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Damman what the hell does "benefit of the doubt" have to do with categorizing it as a "stomp"? I never said anything about whether it was intentional or unintentional....can you read?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Ok Drew. It wasn't an intentional stomp. It was an intentional step and smash. Feel better?

-Damman

Anonymous said...

"step and smash"...still overexaggerating. He fucking stepped on a guy...get your panties out of a bunch. All we're missing now is Iceman's vagina to come running in screaming how Suh should be kicked out of the league.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

No terrible gifts, all very decent and usable stuff.

Trestman and Emery fired! Boom. Can't wait to see what awful hire the Bears come up with. Am I crazy to think Rex would be a good fit? I'm not sure what to think at the moment.

Only watched the Bears yesterday. Yes, I'm aware how sad that is.

T. Iceman said...

Seal completely nailed it with Gordon. Let's not forget his entire season was supposed to be lost, like Seal said. It was only by pure luck Gordon was even in this position and STILL found a way to fuck it up. If this had been his first or second infraction with the team...sure. Let him play and become a UFA. But reward a man with UFA after being a total shit bag pretty much every step of the way? I don't think so. The suspension was deserved. It was right. And that's what happens to morons when they continually be fucking morons. Grow up, don't piss in the face of fortune and shit like this wont happen.

Drew also nailed it with Manziel. "It's unfair to give up on me. I promise to take this job more seriously." .........3 days later throws party and doesn't show up to mandatory treatment/walk through. Clearly this sack of monkey shit doesn't get it and the Browns don't have time to wait for Manziel to mature. Get rid of him.

Suh is a piece of shit. I hope he tears something.

GMoney said...

God speed, Kyle Orton Express, you deserved a Jeter-like farewell tour.

Mike Smiff, Rex, Trestman...already out!

Rex possibly dealing with Cutler has some serious potential for hilarity.

Anonymous said...

I'm still in NC for the holidays. My 'gift' was taking my family to see Into the Woods. It was a fucking movie made out of hot dogshit. The shocker? I was the only one who knew it was a musical going into it. Everyone wanted to walk out mid movie. NO FUCKING SHIT ITS A MUSICAL. But being outnumbered 4-1, I wasn't about to bitch my way into seeing anything else (we've all seen the Hobbit).

Though, watching my 11 year old almost get beaten with an old black lady's cane was pure joy.

I echo almost all thoughts on the Browns. In fact, I didn't even bother to look at the score until 6pm. We lost.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Yea G$'s troll job of the Browns organization is all the LOLZ today.

Drew did nail it, especially with the "and he sucks" line. Dude isn't worth all this shit and its so annoying. He isn't good. The coaches knew it too - they said every week he wasn't ready and Hoyer was the much better QB in practice. When he is significantly worse than Brian Hoyer, that says something. On top of him sucking, he is an immature headcase douchebag who hangs out with Beiber and doesnt give two shit for his professional career or teammates? Get this fuck out of here.

In case anyone missed it, Kentucky won again Saturday against Louisville. The great John Calipari is now 7-1 against Rick Pitino while at UK. The gross part of all of this, the hard part of the schedule is over now that they are entering SEC play. The SEC is so bad... and Cal knows it - dude scheduled 5 ranked teams in the first 12 games.

Seal

GMoney said...

Can we talk about how you fell in love with old 10 Points Connor Shaw yesterday? Seemed like a small overreaction but whatever.

If everything that the Browns do is wrong then this has to also be the wrong move. Just so we're clear on this, they are blaming the players for losing the last five games and taking no responsibility for this in the front office. Please tell me that you see this.

Schefter is now stealing my months old scoop and saying BRAH to AA is a done deal. Whatever. I'm not in this for the credit.

Anonymous said...

How do you want them to take responsibility - fire another coach and another GM?! They SHOULD put some of the blame on assholes that can't stop smoking pot or throwing parties or blowing coke in Vegas to try and help their team win. Especially when one of those players was the leading WR in football last year.

I'm also glad you brought up my facebook post... I will gladly show my love for Connor Shaw when he looks no worse than Manziel. Especially when I was so sick of hearing people calling for Manziel after the organization (that you say is always wrong), said he wasn't ready for this. Shaw had so much less prep time, and played without multiple weapons and looked better than Johnny. Hence, why I showed some love for him. The love for him was out of hate for Johnny.

Seal

Anonymous said...

The weird thing about the Browns...is that they somehow improved their record and yet pretty much everyone feels they took a step backwards. Those Gilbert and Manziel picks are going to haunt them.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Yea, Drew - I will argue that the Gilbert pick is worse than the Johnny pick, no joke. Especially when you see how other guys have panned out. Yikes.

It's obvious though that Johnny, Gordon and Gilbert are hated when teammates call them out for caring more about the fame, fortune, and publicity than playing the game and winning.

Seal

GMoney said...

Oh I don't expect to hear Jimmy The Felon or Farmer come out and admit that they fucked up, but I also don't buy this "they need to grow up" manure. Everyone is to blame here and it sure as shit isn't just the rookies/idiots that you continue to keep around for some reason.

Connor Shaw sucks. FACT.

Grumpy said...

Seal is just beating G$ like a drum today. What you get for taking the side of a scumbag.

Ok, Suh didn't "stomp" his ankle. He felt it there with one foot and then stepped back and put his other foot on the ankle while rocking back to put his full weight on that foot.

Prayer vigil for Le'Veon Bell at noon for those interested in attending.

Prime99 said...

I've heard Josh McDaniels and Kyle Shanahan as Niners candidates. Isn't that insane???

Anonymous said...

Prime....the NFL is quickly rivaling the NBA in how dumb teams go about hiring HC's.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I have no idea why Josh McDaniels hasn't been banned from the NFL yet.

Prime99 said...

I can't wait to see how the Niners sell this load of shit to their fans. It's going to be hilarious to watch.

Anonymous said...

Stafford is like 0-16 on the road against winning teams. So we will definitely have to hope for ROMO out ROMO'OING himself for us to get the win. There were times yesterday that he looked beyond bad. Seems like he only plays well in a 2 minute drill when we are behind two possessions. Also - I have no idea how they overturned that 2 point conversion.

As far as SUH (for Drew) - his "slow second step back gently placed on Rodgers leg proceeded by a full 300LB weight lean" was definitely intentional. Rodgers looked really fragile, it would not have taken much to aggravate that leg that was clearly shot up on Varsity Blues drugs.

Its great for Michigan to finally have a pulse after a decade. Still a lot of work to be done but his name alone will aid this year in flipping recruits.

- J Saul

Grumpy said...

Hey G$, as long as we're talking about you being wrong, how do you like your boy Mike Wallace now? Still think the Steelers showed the money to the wrong guy?

GMoney said...

When were we discussing me being wrong ever? Wallace simply did a cost analysis of his situation and realized that it wasn't worth playing for a loser like Joe Philbin any more.

And I picked the Steelers to win the Norf so why don't you go back to beating off to cave carvings.

Prime99 said...

Grump is bringing some heat today!

GMoney said...

Whoa...Suh suspended for next week and Seal's Joe Montana clone Connor Shaw was pissing blood after the game yesterday.

I don't care much for the Lions but pulling their best defensive player seems a bit much.

Anonymous said...

12 and 19 pick for the Browns in the draft. Not too shabby.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Long live Donkey Kong Suh and G$!

--Drew