Monday, December 08, 2014

The Worst of Week Fourteen Vol.VIII

Can't enough of that spray tan
No one that matters cares about who wins the NFL MVP but let's pretend for a minute that we do.  Now obviously this is pretty much an award for quarterbacks even though JJ Watt is making a pretty ELITE case much to the delight of Iceman.  However, if you have watched any Cowboys game this year, it's hard to say that anyone means more to their team's success that DeMarco Murray does to Dallas.  Seriously, if they could have the guy touch the ball on every play, they would.  And if you watched them on Thursday, that was pretty much what they did.  I think he toted the rock on 22 or 24 of their first 30 plays.  They are going to kill this guy.

And that might be fine if you've been following the gossip unleashed by Murray's former college teammate, Brennan Clay.  Apparently, Murray has been banging the guy's girl for a long time and he has been releasing screen caps and text dialogue via Twitter over the last week as proof.  The best part is that the broad in question had Murray in her phone as "SPRAY TAN".  LOL!  Spray Tan is this generation's Ron Mexico.  I will respect any Cowboys fan that gets a custom Spray Tan jersey.  Sex scandals are always ELITE.  Let's sit on the toilet and talk poopy players.

Brandon Marshall and Chris Conte - It's getting hard to keep describing how bad the Bears are.  Marshall may have broken ribs and was seen leaving Soldier Field in an amb-a-lance because his pussy back couldn't handle a knee from God awful Barry Church (the MAC's version of Kurt Coleman!).  Conte got hurt and Bears fans cheered.  This just goes to show that NO ONE likes white guys in their secondary.  They are always terrible.

Watching Football Yesterday - I barely saw any of the games.  I know that the Browns choked and the Redskins were the worst.  Other than that, whatever. But I, unfortunately, have a good excuse.

We took Penny to see Santa at our neighborhood clubhouse at 1.  He showed up late and was sort of an asshole but it's better than going to the mall.  So missed the first half of the early games.  No biggie.

The wife took the dog and baby (in stroller) on a walk at about 4:30 right when the late games were starting up and I'm sending death threat Tweets to the Redskins account.  I hear a slight thump at the front door but think nothing of it.  A minute or so later, She$ comes bursting through the door because the dog got attacked and she doesn't know where he is.  So I put on some sandals and am sprinting to the place where she said it happened.  The dog is nowhere.  She has the baby in the car and says that he seemed really hurt and took off running once he got away from this dog that is about three times his size (I know of this dog, it is a big fucker that weighs at least triple digits and then some).  Its stupid bitch owner just sort of waddled out to the street as her dog was trying to eat mine while my wife is trying to protect the baby AND the dog which is not easy obvz.

I'm running around like a madman for at least 30 minutes screaming the dog's name.  No one in the neighborhood is of any help.  I just know that I am going to find him in a position that I don't want to but, deep down, I realize that if that is reality then I want to be there before he goes.  I am all the way over at the nearby school looking in the woods and--gasp--alongside the road since that has happened before.  I see nothing.  She$ comes and picks me up and is borderline delirious as she blames herself for having stupid fucking neighbors.

All of a sudden while driving, I remember that thump at the front door so we head back home.  He isn't in our backyard or the new neighbors but She$ walks over to the other neighbor's house (currently unoccupied) and there he is at the back door.  He is shaking and bleeding and limping but he seems more scared than hurt.  If you recall from last year when he got attacked, it was just sort of a glancing bite across his back that opened him up.  This time was full-fledged aggression.  So we loaded the whole family into the car and headed to Columbus's version of Disney World: Animal Emergency Room.  They stitched him up (only three but he has quite a few abrasions) and it could have been much worse.  It was cheaper than the last time.  The wife is going over to the other dog's house today and hopefully they are cool with helping out (not an easy conversation but a necessary one).  The man of the house tried to find the dog for as long as we did so at least they are aware that we will be back.

As for me, I will be attending our next neighborhood council meeting to address this.  This is bullshit.  This should not be happening.  LEASH/CHAIN YOUR FUCKING DOGS.  Not doing so is just stupid.  Why would you even risk this?  For fuck's sake, that dog could have went after MY DAUGHTER.  Do you want that?  Because if that happens I'm coming back with a Louisville Slugger.  The dog is uncomfortable and wearing the hilarious neck cone again but he should be back to normal before Christmas.

Jesus Christ, people.  Owning a dog isn't hard.  Never trust them to do the right thing.  I will tell you this: for as shitty of a situation as this was/is, my heart melts knowing that the dog escaped this fight and ran straight back home.  I wish he would have barked at the door, but he came back first thing.  Love ya, buddy, and maybe next Sunday I won't make you root for the Redskins.

Obvz a different post today but most of us are dog bros here (or at least pro-animal).  Come back tomorrow for what I assume will be really annoying. 

35 comments:

Grumpy said...

Check on local leash laws; you may have legal recourse. Ace will be here to defend the aggressor dog.

Steelers good...this week.

GMoney said...

I don't want to take legal action. I want our neighborhood association to start fining people for having loose dogs. FOr God's sake, these old timers are always riding around golf carts and complaining that people are going two miles over the speed limit, do something worthwhile.

I fucking hate this shit. Stop assuming that your good boy is a good boy. Like I said, had that big fucker knocked over the stroller, we would be at a lawyer's office today. It ain't worth it.

Anonymous said...

Jeff Fisher's troll on the Redskins yesterday was fantastic.

Seal

Anonymous said...

That blows....fuck that owner right in her pussy. I'm down to egg their house if you want. Happy to hear that your little dude made it out pretty well. When ours had the incident a year ago, he ran home as well.

I didn't see the Lions game yesterday, but they won...so that's good.

Tomorrow is going to be the opposite of annoying.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that was quality troll work. It also serves as a great reminder that RG3 is gay.

Ohio definitely has leash laws and that dog (owners) broke them. I remember they were killing almost any pit bull that wasn't on a leash some time ago in the east side of Columbus. Ironically enough, beagles don't have to adhere to leash laws because they are hunting dogs.

BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE HUNTER BECOMES THE HUNTED?!

Ide

GMoney said...

That was a fantastic troll by such a garbage coach who has done almost nothing with said talent. I mean, 6-7 and he thinks he's Bill Belichick now or some shit.

Not sure if it was better than the CFP Committee trolling TCU though. That was unnecessarily cruel but we can save that for tomorrow.

I also see that people are ripping Johnny Football for going to a Cavs game. Come on. That's absurd.

I think the local law also states that you can murder pitbull owners so let's all meet at Ape's house.

Prime99 said...

That is fucking awful. I'm glad your doggy dog is ok. It is weird when people don't adhere to the rules then are surprised when shit goes wrong. Stand up to the assholes!

Ape, that was one impressive fantasy week your team threw out there. Specifically, Peyton and crew. Peyton helped you all season and then let you down in the playoffs when it mattered most. You should've seen it coming! I bet Eli would not have let you down...

The Niners are hilarious. HARBRAH wants no part of that organization anymore.

Mr. Ace said...

I bet the aggressor dog was a lab because they're ass holes.

But it sounds like you need to get your little friend a bigger friend. I'm trying to say adopt your dog a body guard because he doesn't seem to have the best of luck. You can rent one of mine if you like.

Anonymous said...

I don't think 6-7 in that division with a shit QB and a very young offense is that bad. They just put up two shut outs in a row. Pretty impressive. They obviously won that trade and I won't stop talking about it only because of the amount of shit you texted me when it went down. Obviously I was jealous.... at the time. Stupid me.

That Browns defense yesterday was insanely good. So embarrassing they lost that game. I can't root for that team if Hoyer is under center anymore. I won't watch another game that he starts. The defense had more TD's yesterday that he has had the past 5 games.

Seal

GMoney said...

I'm not entirely sure what the breed is although it appears to be some sort of mutt but it kind of resembles the Browns dog-head logo. Not a mastiff though. Basically, if you have a dog that weighs triple digits, you should not be letting it roam and expecting nothing bad to happen.

I like where your Twitter head is at though to assume that BRAH got destroyed to make the transition to WE ON easier. Damn right.

GMoney said...

The Rams have a pretty good foundation but no QB or RB or WR so it's hard to say that they are winners. Maybe they lost less? I don't know--we won a division title and they have yet to come remotely close so whatever.

Cakes said...

Did the neighbor dog come on your property and fuck him up? Are there fences involved? Whatever the situation, fuck that dog and it's owner so hard. If you have even the slightest inclination that your dog might lose it for any reason, it's the owners responsibility to have the beast under control at all times. To have your baby that close to something like that makes me sick as well. I'd be super pissed as well.

Pettine has now used up all of his good will. What a fucking disaster yesterday. Even a mediocre offense wins us that game easily. Just plain unacceptable to sit there and watch that second half without making a change.

T. Iceman said...

Glad your little dude is okay. I witnessed a fight at the dog park Saturday and those things are ugly. I know you don't want to take legal action or anything but it sounds like this dumb shit needs to be taught a lesson. Like you said...next time it could be your kid. In these situations someone usually gets made an example out of. It might be that time.

I've spent most of the year defending Hoyer because he was winning games but I can't do it anymore. You can't lose a game where the defense puts two TDs on the board. You just can't. Hoyer had the perfect opportunity to prove himself this year and he's been just terrible the last 4 games. It's over. I don't think Manziel is the answer either but at this point there's nothing to lose by starting him. Hoyer has to be done.

Despite all that I'm not too pissed about this season. It was nice to watch games that actually matter this deep into the season for once. And as bad as Hoyer was, I don't think we would have been playing meaningful football in December with Manziel starting the entire season.

What the fans should be more pissed about is Pettine saying he purposely limited Josh Gordon's snaps and kept him off the field on 3rd downs. Let me see if I get this right. You kept our best fucking player off the field ON PURPOSE in a game we absolutely had to win? Okaaaaay. That's a good way to lose your fucking job.

T. Iceman said...

I wonder how many people Peyton fucked over yesterday. Probably a lot. LOL.

Nibbles said...

"But it sounds like you need to get your little friend a bigger friend. I'm trying to say adopt your dog a body guard because he doesn't seem to have the best of luck. You can rent one of mine if you like."

I find this statement hilarious from a gun control advocate.

The answer to resolving dog crime is NOT to add more dogs to the problem.

Jeff said...

Steelers good, until next week.

I believe Gordon was limited because he's not in game shape. Who would've thought that a guy who can't be trusted to not smoke weed after multiple offenses would keep himself in shape during his suspension.

Jeff said...

You should probably buy a cattle prod to take with you while you walk.

Anonymous said...

Iceman....describe the "ugly" fight at the dog park.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Cakes, it happened on a walk on the other side of the 'hood in front of the aggressor's house. We'll see though. If She$ goes over there today and they get the checkbook out, there is your lesson learned I guess. Either way, I'm going to the next council meeting with a bomb strapped to my chest. I will be heard, bro.

T. Iceman said...

It was a dog lunging at another dog, pinning him down and trying to rip him apart. I'm sorry...why do you need me to describe what a dog fight looks like?

Nibbles...I think Ace's intentions are to get G$ to adopt the dog Ace has been fostering forever.

Anonymous said...

The one that eats floors? Yeah, get that one.

Iceman's Browns recap is pretty much the correct one. Also, cut Cundiff. I called the miss before he even kicked it. I was blamed for jinxing it. No, he is so fucking bad you can usuusually predict his misses.

Ide

T. Iceman said...

Jesus, Ide. How did I forget Cuntsniff? So fucking bad. At this point I would be willing to use a 6th or 7th round pick in next year's draft for the nation's best FG kicker. It would be worth it.

Speaking of kickers...I heard last night that Mike Scifres was drafted in the 5th round. A punter. In the 5th round. Previously, I had just assumed all punters were undrafted free agents.

Prime99 said...

The Bears drafted their awful punter in the sixth round. Could've had Michael Sam instead, lol.

GMoney said...

The Raiders took Shane Lechler in the second! And they are the best team in NorCal!

Grumpy said...

The Steelers drafted Daniel Sepulveda, punter out of Baylor, in the 4th round in 2007. He lasted 5 years before multiple knee surgeries forced him to retire.

I misspoke about "legal action". I meant to say that if they are in violation of leash laws call the police. A cop at the door usually puts the fear of God in people.

I would suggest renting Ace to take the walks with your family; he could be the human shield and take any incoming bites.

MUfan said...

First off, G$ - I'm glad your dog is okay and nothing happened to your wife or daughter. Dog attacks are scary and happen so quickly it's very unnerving. I was walking my 80lb German Shepherd this fall one morning and a neighbor's pit bull who had gotten loose came running up to us. I turned around to lead him back to his home (dumb move) and he attached my dog. My GSD got tangled up with my leg on the leash and couldn't defend herself properly and I ended up having to get between them. The owner came running down and we both had to practically lay on our dogs as my dog (now untangled) was ready to tear open the pit bull. Scary stuff.

Anyways, I saw very little of the Lions game but was following online. My niece came home this weekend from Marines boot camp so my sister had a big family get-together. Did get to see the Browns choke at the end of their game though.

Prime99 said...

The Browns were actually the west coast early game on network TV. LOL. Way to reinforce stereotypes.

This is where Drool is supposed to ask MUFan for his stalker story.

GMoney said...

Good for your niece, MUFan.

Also good for the Tribe to get Brandon Moss for some garbage 2B that will never do anything.

GMoney said...

Oh baby! Some bigtime Dion Waiters for Kosta "KoKo" Koufos rumors circulating!!!

Prime99 said...

If HARBRAH really knew how to motivate the Niners, he would've pulled his pants down during his lockerroom speech yesterday.

Anonymous said...

Whatever gets that fucking disease (Dion Waiters) off of our team. Dude fucking sucks.

Seal

GMoney said...

Seal, you've got to love that Brandon Moss trade. If he can mash in Oakland, he can mash in your ghost town.

Anonymous said...

I do actually really like it. Especially when we gave up a 24 year old prospect who was never going to see the field being behind Kipnis and our Top SS prospect (who better get to fucking play soon). I like anyone who takes away at-bats from Nick Swisher.

Seal

GMoney said...

Granted, he is pretty much Adam Dunn with less walks but a slightly better average but at least he is some thump in the middle.

Anonymous said...

Considering we haven't had a guy hit 30 home runs since Grady in 2007, I will take any potential guy with power we can get.

Seal