Friday, December 12, 2014

The 9th Annual Weisman/Wiseman Trophy Goes To...

Legend
Today, we must give out the most prestigious award that combines both college football and sports blogging. This is the fifth year that we've done this now and I've nailed it on the head each time. You see, this blog has its own version of the Heisman Trophy that we give out. But that award has long since been trademarked by those bastards at the Downtown Athletic Club. So we now officially call this award for college football's best (and most signature) player the "Wiseman Award". It is (obviously) named after Derek Wiseman AKA that weird guy I went to high school with that may or may not have been related to Pickle. I literally have zero to say about him because he added nothing to everything. But I remember him and his last name rhymes with Heisman so here is his 15 minutes of "fame". Past Wiseman Award winners:

2006 - Colt Brennan
2007 - Tim Tebow
2008 - Tim Tebow
2009 - Toby Gerhart
2010 - Cam Newton
2011 – Matt Barkley Robert Griffin III
2012 - Manti Te’o
2013 - Jameis Winston

You may notice at some point that I never consistently stick with calling it The Wiseman or The Weisman. That is intentional because old D-Dubs was that forgettable. The spelling of the award has very little to do with the importance so GIVE IT A REST. Anyway, carrying on...

The Heisman voters tend to not give the award to the best player (how Mark Ingram beat out Toby Gerhart, I will never understand). But the Weisman does. After Matt Barkley decided to keep sucking boners in LA over being OVERRATED for the Browns, he was stripped of his Weisman three years ago in favor of someone truly ELITE (not true anymore). We crushed it four years ago with Cammy Cam Cam. We correctly awarded Tebow back-to-back since Navajo Sam shit the bed in his biggest game in 2008. And we ignored Troy Smiff because Colt was an unstoppable force on the football and rape field in 2006. And who could forget the impressive power play by Te’o? Doing the Weisman justice for getting embarrassed mere days after reaching the pinnacle of his life! Jameis Winston's entire existence defines everything great about The Wiseman.

We don't look entirely at numbers or wins and losses or schedules, we vote with our eyes. Who is kicking the most ass EVERY WEEK. You can't mail-in games against lesser opponents. You curb-stomp those fags just as hard as you would for your rival. This is why Tebow lost out on a 3rd straight Weisman unfortunately. This is why Terrelle Pryor was never considered (he didn't bring the thunder every week like he should have). Basically, I like to award the Weisman to the player that I will remember the most when I think back about the season. It's time to embrace the best of the best and crown the 2014 Weisman Award winner.

Those who are acknowledged but were ultimately not invited:
JT Barrett - Typical Urban Meyer thug.  We invite plenty of sluts and whores to this event and the last thing that I need is some trash bag choking them out.  Plus, the Weisman ceremony doesn't have any ramps.  Get out.
Marcus Mariota - You're a nerd, bro.  We're not even going to acknowledge your stats-only season because you be an embarrassment to what this trophy represents.  Call me when you ave committed a sex crime.
Melvin Gordon III - He was probably the favorite to win the damn thang until last Saturday night and then I remembered my completely justifiable hatred for all RBs from Wisconsin.  Plus, he is a coach killer.
Quentin Rollins - HOMER ALERT!  The RedHawk DB was the MAC Defensive Player of the Year this season with his 7 picks and being a shutdown cornerback on a 2-10 team.  Why is this impressive?  Because he was a fucking Charlie Coles recruit!  Rollins played hoop at Miami for four years, walked in to Spring practice as an afterthought, was great, got invited to the Senior Bowl (the best of those games), and will be playing on Sundays next year.  That is really impressive.  Love ya, Q!

The Invitees:
Jameis Winston - The numbers weren't there like last year but the bro has not lost a game ever.  He combines winning with sinning at a rate the likes of which have never been seen.  I absolutely love watching the Noles to see how they are going to snatch victory each week.  I will miss Jameis when he is gone from FSU and doing time at Leavenworth.
Tevin Coleman - I have no idea how the RB at winless in conference Indiana put up the games that he did.  What he did was amazing considering that the Hoosiers did not complete more than 3 passes per game and he still nearly hung 2000 yards rushing (he may have hit that number anyway but I do no research on IU).
Trevone Boykin - Keep in mind, this guy was the Frogs third leading receiver last season.  Only three QBs have ever averaged 295 yards passing and 50 yards rushing per game: Johnny Football, RG3, and Boykin...on second thought, maybe that isn't such good company.
Gerod Holliman - Who?  The sophomore safety from Louisville led the nation with FOURTEEN interceptions this year...in 12 games.  That is amazing.  I agree with those that say that sacks are OVERRATED.  Picking the ball off though is always an ELITE skill.
Mark Weisman - I really wanted to give the award to Weisman simply because of his name.  The Iowa RB had a terrific season with 802 rushing yards and 14 touchdowns.  He led the Big Ten in pad level, grit, scrap, handing the ball back to the ref without making some stupid gesture, and keeping the legs moving.  A white running back winning the trophy that looks an awful lot like a very young Grumpy would be so damn fitting.  So close, Mark Weisman, but you don't need a reward to know that you put in a hard year's work.

The 2014 Winner of The Money Shot’s Weisman Award is…
Step away from the white girl, sir.
Amari Cooper - He's the best player in the nation.  Period.  ROLL DAMN TIDE barely had any other viable pass-catching options this season and Cooper faced double teams at all times.  It didn't matter.  Dude was ELITE.  I don't know if he's better than Sammy Watkins, ODB, Mike Evans, or any of the other receivers from last year's incredible class, but he is not worse.  Cooper can flat out ball and I can't wait to see what he has in store for the Ohio Buckeyes on New Year's Day.  Congrats again to the 2014 Weisman Award Winner, Amari Cooper!!!  ROLL TIDE!!!

That said, Amari, we are not afraid to strip past winners of this award if they piss me off.  Should you suck big floppy donkey dick against Ohio, there might just be a knock at Mark Weisman's offseason assembly line station.  We are officially one week from The Commies and two weeks from Man of the Year ceremony.  CAN'T WAIT!

27 comments:

Jeff said...

Good call, I correctly picked Amari as the winner of the Heisman, I mean Weisman, during prediction week here.

Jackets!

GMoney said...

Wow...making Weisman predictions in the preseason is legendary stuff.

Five in a row! Bring on Sidney Ponson/Crosby Saturday night!

I nearly shit my pants last night when Kyrie went down. Thank Allah he is the toughest sonsabitch in the NBA! Putting Delly on Durant might have been the funniest thing ever but it sort of worked so whatever.

GMoney said...

Some light reading about our runner-up if you have some free time:

http://www.hawkeyesports.com/sports/m-footbl/mtt/mark_weisman_749770.html

"Permanent" Team Captain! Damn straight!

GMoney said...

Whoa, Prime and Larry, if you are going to leak shit to the media about how much you hate Jay Cutler, don't fucking admit to being the source two seconds later. Aaron Kromer...HE GONE! Where did he go to college? THEEEEEEE Miami University!

Anonymous said...

I'm fine with Cooper, but Bosa deserved an invite. Also rude of you to not let Wheelz be able to attend.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Bitch please...13.5 sacks in 13 games? Some brah from Warrrrrrrshington had 18 and I didn't think twice. Go shrug your shoulders all faggy like to someone that gives a damn.

I've seen Wheelz walk for Iceman. She can walk for The Wiseman. No offense.

Paul Chryst would be about the most Wisconsin hire ever. The Big Ten will never be ELITE with these garbage hires.

MUDawgfan said...

This award was a lock for Todd Gurley before he decided to get paid for his signature :(

Fucking UGA football man...

Prime99 said...

Kromer apparently had a tearful public apology where he weeped tears of embarrassment and Cutler shook his head. Does Theo have to come in and fix the Bears, too?

Chip says he doesn't agree with your pick for the Weisman. He seems to think that there were several better (lighter skinned) options.

GMoney said...

I just don't care for his boy toy, Mariota. Not only is it a GUARANSHEED that he has never paid a woman to take her clothes off, he seems like the type of dork that has no idea that strip clubs even exist.

At least with Tenor, you could blame Jesus. Mariota is just a tool.

Anonymous said...

Bosa shits on whatever guy from Washington you speak of.

Anybody else get hard looking at Meyer and Saban on that podium talking playoff yesterday? The build-up to this clash is gonna be sumthin'.

Slow...how much does the loss of Poythress or whatever his name hurt Kentucky?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Being as deep as UK is, is doesn't crush them... that being said, it hurts them down the stretch in big games. He is a Junior (one of only two on the team) and has that experience. On these young UK teams, those 2nd and 3rd year guys in recent years have come up big in big games. So ultimately, it wont break us, but I think it definitely sucks and could play a factor come March.

Seal

GMoney said...

Amy predictions for Commenter of the Year? I think that the committee has reached their decision.

Anonymous said...

I predict it's not Cakes.

--Drew

GMoney said...

The committee did not care for him eliminating his weekly Cakes RB Rankings this year. Plus, he sucks.

T. Iceman said...

Wheelz didn't want to go because she knew Drew would be there. She can't stand that guy. It's one of the things I fondly think of on days I wonder why I got married.

Bold move by the Wiseman committee. A wide receiver has almost no chance at the Heisman these days. It's why the Wiseman will always > than the Heisman.

Grumpy said...

It's comforting to know that my image will live on after I'm gone.

Anonymous said...

Grumps....do you think it would be distasteful if G$ live-blogged your funeral while eating ribs in your honor?

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Kosta Karageorge took his lack of invite really hard.

Prime99 said...

I think Jeff has a great shot at COY despite his Red Sox and Steeler affiliations.

GMoney said...

I'm confused...am I eating HIS ribs? Because I might be down for that.

Anonymous said...

My vote for COY is Ide... not that I actually get a vote, but I will share my unwanted opinion anytime.

Seal

Jeff said...

Those affiliations will be seen as black eyes to the committee. My work has not been done in quantity but more in quality (some quantity due to new work interweb constraints).

I will predict Ide though.

GMoney said...

I don't know how I feel about this pro-Ide sentiment.

Anonymous said...

G$....just visited The Blackwell as a possible place to get married/have reception. Would you wait tables for that like the old days?

--Drew

GMoney said...

Only if I'm allowed to show up still drunk, eat food right off of the buffet line, and spill a pot of coffee all over my arm. That's a deal breaker.

Also would require Roman Bunce.

Anonymous said...

Top part is all good. Getting Roman may prove a tad difficult...but, I'll try. K-Dog is not allowed.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I shit myself a ltitle bit today because I am horrendously sick. Good as time as any to share that.

Ide