Friday, December 19, 2014

The 2014 Commie Awards!

The Commies!
Men, another year of blog commenting is in the books and the day has arrived to acknowledge and reward the best of the best. Commenting isn’t easy here. It requires FACTS, STREMPH, HOT TAEKS, maybe a few auto correct errors (hello Lacey!), and consistency. You just can’t hop off the turnip truck and be a force in this corner of the internet. No sir, you’ve got to bring it hard every day and throw the hammer down with excessive force. Today is a celebration of comments past. I am strangely very excited for today’s post as I think that it will only raise the bar for our beloved comment section.

As a reminder, the inaugural Commenter of the Year was Prime who took home the crown in 2012. He earned it the old-fashioned way with grit and rubbing some dirt on it. Unfortunately, there was not a repeat championship as I correctly blamed Li'l Boogie/Zack Attack for taking some of the focus off of his commenting prowess.  It happens. Which lead to a power struggle last "season" that Drew ended up claiming victory over.  He had this weird knack of agreeing with me which put him over the top.  That did not happen in 2014 (as he sucked huge fucking horse cock) so again we went searching for another Grand Commenting Champion.

But there are other awards to give out before we award the 2014 Commenter of the Year.

Best Take - Seal's epic anti-Tigers rant the day after they were swept by the Orioles!  I'm not going to copy and paste it here because I don't have the time or energy but I do know that after reading it, I nearly stood up and saluted my internet.  It was powerful.  Seal hates the Tigers and their fans so much.  It nearly brings me to climax.

Worst Take - Drew's FACT checks!  I understand the notion of holding people accountable but that doesn't make it less annoying.  The problem is that FACT checking only rewards people with nothing better to do and I would much rather ritualistically fist my asshole than go dumpster-diving (sorry not sorry Karageorge family) through past comments to prove another takesmith wrong.  Drew sucks is what I'm getting at.

Newcomer of the Year - Dave!  We didn't have any other new blood (no offense to Tonya's vagina...count it) this year so I will give it to Dave.  I think he only showed up once or twice but the first time he tried to run smack at me so I responded reasonably and earned 4000 INTENSITY gold stars by destroying him.  He has barely been heard of again. 

Smartest Commenter - Nibbles!  I think that he is the most realistic of the turd suckers here and tries to not be a gigundo homer.  It isn't easy--I know this from being around you mouth breathers for 34 years--but he tries.  I think that he has carved himself a nice little niche here.

Dumbest Commenter - Dut!  Cakes won this last year in a runaway so it takes a lot to unseat him.  Between bitching about how hard it is to comment (not true) and then dropping weak takes when he "figures it out", I feel safe naming him the Dumbest Commenter of 2014.

Most Anticipated Story Going Into 2015 - MUFan's Stalker Saga!  To quote the great Judge Smails/Ted Knight, "Well...WE'RE WAITING".  Speaking of stalker, USA needs to bring back Silk Stalkings.

The Most Unsettling Trend - Too Much Procreation!  I'm sort of shocked that many of us are getting laid let alone creating human life.  TMS Army is growing and growing and I'm not sure how to feel about that. It is a well known FACT that you comment better without a baby.

Best Move - Iceman Going To Florida!  GET OUT.  Ironically, this fucking guy moved to Gainesville yet still spends seemingly every day in Ohio.  I'm sure that you have your reasons but I want to believe that you came back last weekend JUST to eat Pollyeye's with Cakes.

Worst Move - Damman Pulling a LeBron!  Fucker, now who am I supposed to get as an umpire partner?  Yep, I'm the real victim here!

Best Post of the Year - Welcome to BRAHzil!  This is an IMO thing but I really enjoyed writing that post because I love the BRAHs so much and I loathe US Soccer even more.  It might not have been your favorite (the AMA with Ide was really solid surprisingly) but it was for me.

Worst Post of the Year - Every time that Prime and Iceman talked comics!  Now that college football season is winding down, I can't wait for a Tuesday in which nerd #1 ranks superheroes and nerd #2 argues with himself over the merits of Marvel vs. DC.  LAME.

Comeback of the Year - Seal!  The one bit of controversy of the commenting season happened in March and, if I recall, the victim had had enough of our gang up bullying about Kentucky.  Seal took a few weeks off but came back with a vengeance and I think that we are all glad that he did.  Now he's inviting Mr. Ace to go out for vegan beers whenever he's up North and nothing makes sense.  Welcome back (sort of), Seal, but Calipari is still a scumbag donkey fucker forever.  And you should know that you were my nominee Commenter of the Year.  Seriously.  Ask Iceman.

Alright, now that all the minor awards have been delivered, it is time for the big dog. I asked Iceman and Ape for their input on this because they have to have some pull when it comes to such a major decision for the site. We did not agree. Like, at all.  The three of us each had our own candidate.  I was going to just pick mine but Ace made some convincing points and I ended up pulling the old John Kerry and flip-flopping my decision.  This is Mr. Ace's call and he sold me.  So who is the 2014 Money Shot Commenter of the Year???
The guy in the middle definitely pays for sex.
IDE!!!  WTF?  I can't be serious.  How in the hell was this "probably-racist" hipster sack of shit liar even considered?  Well, there were three big reasons why I ended up going in this whites-only direction:

1. His Game of Thrones recaps here really are top notch.  I'm current on the episodes and the books and even I don't know who half the characters are.  He even spells the names right!
2. #IdeLies was the hashtag of the year and nothing else came close.  I look forward to the next #IdeLie whenever it may come.  Let's not forget that #IdeLies (owned and operated by Iceman) is playing for the MSFL title this weekend.
3. His RibFest move of buying dinner for everyone was baller as fuck.  I mean, we all got free BBQ AND didn't have to talk to him.  You can't beat that.

But then he started running his mouth about Ohio Buckeyes Football after the Big Ten Title beatdown and I soured.  However, he regrouped on Facebook in a conversation with Nibbles:

Nibbles: Today my six year old asked me two questions. "How are babies made?" and "Why are the Browns always bad?". I handled the easier question but think he's too young to learn the truth about the Browns.
Ide: I find that the answers are very similar, just different holes.

And that one sentence made you the winner.  You will make a fine parent one day, Ide, but until then...ugh...congratulations on the honor of Commenter of the Year 2014!  Don't forget that award season wraps up next Friday--yes, the day after CHRISTmas--with the unveiling of Money Shot Man of the Year.  Who will top last year's winner, Rob Ford?  Beats the fuck out of me!

48 comments:

Grumpy said...

Excellent choice! #IdeLies is already trending.

Anonymous said...

Damn...I made a comment at like 5:05, but it's gone.

Long story short....congrats to Ide! May your acceptance speech be as ELITE as mine was last year. This award should only go to daily commenters and he most definitely is one of those.

#FactChecks aren't going anywhere...huge addition here.

Worst Takes were OBVZ #7or8Wins and #BarrettCantThrow Day. That day keeps on giving.

I'm already preparing my speech for Money Shot Man of the Year.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Any word yet on how #Ferguson has taken the news of Ide's triumph?

--Drew

GMoney said...

I knew that this would cause issues. I've got massive #BlackCommentersMatter protesters standing outside of my office building and the building security guards look poised to do nothing.

The decision process behind this was hilarious. I literally changed my mind every day for the past few weeks.

T. Iceman said...

Ide is more of a Jameis Winston COTY than a Marcus Mariota. I guess that makes Drew OJ Simpson.

I can't say I totally disagree with this choice. Ide was my 3rd choice. Seal was #2 only because he quit like a little bitch when Drew got into his head. #1 was Jeff. Still trying to figure out how the most consistent commenter hasn't taken this award home. Just brings his lunch pail full of scorching hot TAEKS daily. He comes hard and fast...how Drew likes his dicks. Jeff is the Leo Dicaprio of this site.

Anonymous said...

I don't see how anyone could be top 3 when they quit the blog and only comment 3 to 4 days a week...but, I will say that I don't find Slow to be nearly as hostile/angry as he used to be. His TAKES are a bit better as well.

Ide moves the needle...much like last year's winner. Jeff is kind of like Prime in just solid consistency...I think we are seeing what the committee is looking for with the last two winners.

--Drew

GMoney said...

We're well past due for me to name myself CotY although being a former MSMotY this award seems beneath me.

I forget how the Man of the Year ceremony works. Does Rob Ford get to host? Does Ide co-host or is he just invited? I may need to go back into the archives.

Mr. Ace said...

I'm glad you took my advice. Ide has evolved over the years from a giant doucher to a giant dick; huge difference. He provides HOT TAEKS, some solid one liners, and makes an ass of himself often but takes it in stride. And #IdeLies will never die. Ribfest pretty much sealed it.

Prime99 said...

In other words, G$, you need to #FACTcheck last year's MSMOTY post.

Congrats, Ide. You are very consistent with your #IdeLies and your troll game gets points for quantity.

That said, I'd certainly roll with Jeff in a TAEK-off vs Drooler and Ide.

T. Iceman said...

How long do we wait for COTY to show up before taking the award back? Way to disrespect this honor on the first day, shit head. Ide could set an unbreakable record for shortest COTY reign in MoneyShot history.

Anonymous said...

It would be pulling a Cakes if he didn't show.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Fine. I'll say it.

Jeff is OVERRATED! WUT? COME AT ME, BRO!!!

As I said, having a kid changes a commenter. Jeff is experiencing this now.

GMoney said...

Great point. If Ide doesn't show up today then this coveted award goes to Cakes. The punishment should fit the crime.

Prime99 said...

Apparently Ide isn't as good at keeping his own schedule as his resume would have you believe.

Anonymous said...

Prime....LOLZ! Great point. But, he probably worked out early this morning with Carmelo and is now getting coffee with Jerry Seinfeld.

G$....Section IX Bylaw 10.2 clearly states that if the winner of COY does not show up for their crowning on the day of the announcement, the previous winner will make all COY appearances for another year. Sorry Cakes.

--Drew

GMoney said...

FUCK! That is a TERRIBLE rule! Randall Stevens probably adopted it before he killed himself via black dude gangbang.

T. Iceman said...

Prime is making a REAL early push for 2015 COTY with that wise nugget. You know the 2014 COTY sucks goat dicks when we're already talking about 2015 COTY.

Anonymous said...

Congrats IDE! My pick as well... little disappointed that it's almost 10am and he hasnt showed up yet...

Ahh I will gladly take home the Best Take award - that was a glorious day. Dominating Drooler never get's old. Thank you very much for the nod.

I def don't comment everyday (I definitely read everyday), so probably not COTY worthy, but maybe I'll make a hard push at the crown next year.

Great day at the moneyshot as Drew is no longer on top... and Dut gets the well deserved worst commenter award.

On a different note... was running late this morning cause the wife couldn't get the kids shit together quick enough... and got a speeding ticket on the way to drop her off at daycare. Now I will take the ticket when deserved, but 47 in a fucking 35, 5-days before Christmas with a crying baby in the backseat? That cop can go fuck himself. I don't think he liked my line of "Next time you pull someone over with a crying baby in the backseat, try not to take 20 minutes to write the ticket, as babies calm down when the car is moving" - as he was handing me the ticket.

Seal

GMoney said...

Ouch. Fuck that guy. Had you done a 187 on that pig, you would be CotY for sure.

Anonymous said...

Slow's cop convo sounds a lot like Ide's interview convo.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Ide not showing up this morning is why he got my vote for COTY. He gives no fucks.

Cakes said...

Congrats to all the commie award winners. GFY!

GMoney said...

Off-topic but this new Padres OF has some serious potential. Myers-Kemp-the good Upton is quite the overhaul.

Prime99 said...

The Pads are making great moves assuming a team doesn't need an infield in baseball. If they do, then they might be in trouble.

GMoney said...

Looks like we've got our first celebrity invite to RibFest 2015 locked down...Vin Scully!

Sure enough, while Vin was unloading the stacks of items, he heard a cry from inside the house. While emptying the ribs, Sandi found the ring at the bottom of the bag.

Dude loves ribs so much that he stores his WS ring with them. Baller!

Anonymous said...

Late start to the day. Prime, I am off work until mid January, that is how you keep a fucking schedule, by taking off a solid month when everyone this time of year hates their life and waking up when you damn well please. Go back to your excel spreadsheet, bean counter.

The past hour and a half was spent trying to get a black buddy to write an acceptance speech for me. He only came up with "god, you're such a faggot" among other jive comments. I flirted with the idea of going after SheNibbles, but I would likely get a worst reaction than the black guy. Was a pretty ELITE idea, imo.

This is two out of three years that ribs were paid for by one of the commenters. The other one didn't get CotY. Jeff should buy next year on principle. I did go back and look at the first year victor (Prime). Jeff and I were tied for last, and Grump lost out because of being a Steelers fan. Jeff is a Steelers fan, and has manufactured a child, which will presumably be raised as a mouth breathing Yinzer. G$ has excelled at being consistent. #factcheck

The newcomer of the year Dave solidly hated me after 15 minutes of meeting me. Strong Takes on how much of a tool Greg Olsen is, can be really SCORCHING when forging new relationships. Also, being a terrible auction purchaser of black males deserves righteous ire.

So for this momentous occasion, I will drill deep down into the archives to bring you this untold lie. Last spring sometime (maybe May), I was eating lunch with a friend. Pharrell Williams came in and him and his boyz (z intentional) sat at the table to my left. He was exactly as you would expect a super cool black guy wearing a camo shirt with fucking daisy's on it to be. Orders a burger very well done with extra mayo (gross). I kind of look over at him when he does it (he is on the banquette next to me), and he is staring right at me and goes, "yeah, well done, I'm ghetto as fuck". I laughed pretty hard. His boyz and now wife, didn't.

To recap: Buying ribs gets you consideration birthing kids with a guaranteed terrible future, loses you favor. Black people probably can't type very well. It's possible SheNibbles blocked me on facebook. Greg Olsen is a terrible $17 option at TE. I'm better than most.

Ide (CotY)

GMoney said...

That went better than I expected and featured 100% less n-words.

Jeff said...

I appreciate the consideration and the appreciation for my stronk TAEKS. I will continue to bring my best even though the baby and corporate America interweb restrictions have taken a toll.

Ide not showing up for this is all the LOLZ. I'm assuming North Korea hacked his life after he gave some steamy takes on camera yesterday.

Jeff said...

There he is!

Anonymous said...

Ide...I feel like you should make yourself a fine gentleman's drink and watch Django to celebrate.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

We are now three stronk. There should be a Communist House sponsored by Nissan for us. At least our own table next to, but certainly not part of, the main ribfest goers.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Team COY is a formidable bunch, that is for sure.

Good lord, I have no idea what is going on with the Bears, but I doubt they even realize there are still two games left. Lions should win by 40.

Anonymous said...

Losing to this Chicago mess with Clausen at the helm to cost the Lions a berf would be the most Lions thing ever. Remember when Matt Flynn made like $50M off the Lions in a similar situation a few years ago?

Team COY would outsmart and beat up any other group of three here. We are a triumvirate of wits, sharp tongues and brawn.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

I love how former COTYs are making this day about them. LOL.

Prime99 said...

It's the fucking Internet. Everything is selfish.

Anonymous said...

This day is all about us, Iceman. Excellence demands the company of excellence. Speaking directly to people in Florida tarnishes the mere idea of being excellent.

Still waiting on Nibbles or SheNibbles to make a statement.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Hot HarBRAH story from Deadspin. Its short enough that I can copy/paste it here.

"For instance, one of the activities at Harbaugh's recent bachelor party (he's been married twice) was laser tag. Everyone signed up for a name on an electronic scoresheet. He chose "Captain Comeback," an homage to his playing days as an NFL quarterback. And from there, everyone went to work.

When the fake smoke cleared and the game wrapped, it was revealed that Captain Comeback recorded more "kills" than anyone else in the party. Harbaugh won. Because he always wins. But upon further examination of where each person's shots came from, it became clear why he won in such a landslide.

"All his shots came against this 10-year-old kid," laughs Eric Bakhtiari, who played for Harbaugh in college and in the NFL with the 49ers. "He just sat there, hunting this 10-year-old kid so he could win."

That's amazing.

Ide

Prime99 said...

PFTC's JJ Watt and RG3 adventure is fucking great. Highly recommended reading!

SheNibbles said...

Fuck you mother fucker

T. Iceman said...

G$. My vote for 2015 COTY is SheNibbles.

GMoney said...

Just had my office white elephant and turned my bag full of Ohio Buckeyes free shit that that wife has acquired over the years into a 4 pack of 22 oz bottles of Arrogant Bastard. I win this day.

GMoney said...

She just made a really strong case. SHIT! I forgot to acknowledge Mrs. Ward for having the actual STRONGEST TAKE of the year. Fuck me!

GMoney said...

Prime, you are correct, that could be PFTC's finest work. Rovell as Kim Jong Un was ELITE.

Prime99 said...

I even thought Mrs. Ward had an outside shot of winning COY. Poor omission.

JJ Watt always shows up on tape.

Prime99 said...

James Flacco!!!

http://washington.cbslocal.com/2014/12/19/obama-slips-up-on-james-francos-name-calls-him-james-flacco/

Jeff said...

ELITE actor right there

Anonymous said...

Sorry I'm late but busy day at work but congrats to #idelies. Guys an asshole but well deserved.

Biggest snub is Mrs. Ward for owning Mr. Ace. At least you admit the mistake g$.

Lacey

Prime99 said...

I feel like the COYs should get branded robes similar to the SNL "5 timers club" upon induction.