Wednesday, December 17, 2014

So Your Quarterback Sucks...

Even security knows.
We can't all be as lucky as Ravens fan what with their BRAH head coach and ample supply of ELITE QB play.  Many of us sit through a Sunday game fully expecting to be embarrassed and knowing that a successful two minute drill is one that doesn't end in a pick six.  Rooting for a shit-ass team sucks but it might be worse to support a decent team with a shit-ass quarterback.  I went through the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE teams yesterday and came up with nine teams that could be making a change next year or at least have some controversy at the position (which never works out by the way).  So let's go through these teams and I will make the call for each team.  This isn't really a prediction or anything, just sort of what I would do if these teams were smart and hired me as GM of their team.

As a reminder, yours truly loves nothing more than playing Fantasy GM and spending other people's money.  Nobody hires and fires and executes trades faster than this cat.  So without further Apu, here is who some of our teams should be starting at QB on Opening Day 2015:

Tampa Bay - Marcus Mariota.  Let's get this one out of the way.  Lovie's classy bunch currently holds the #1 pick and likely will not mess this up in the last two weeks.  This wouldn't be a bad landing spot for the Heisman winner at all.  Some nice pieces in Tampa.

Tennessee - Jameis Winston.  FINALLY a reason to act like the Titans actually exist.  This almost makes too much sense as it allows Taylor Lewan to befriend another sexual predator and make murderous threats on his behalf.

Buffalo - The Kyle Orton Express.  Time to double down on the Neckbeard!  I'm not giving up on Emanuel J'manuel Manuel yet but In Orton We Trust.  That offense is only going to get better while the already ELITE defense is going to have their better players back.

Chicago - Josh McCown.  I assume that Tampa will cut him and his 5 million for next year which will pave the way for him to be a stop-gap in the Windy City.  Why?  Because my guess is that the Bears take the third rated QB in the Draft whether that be Brett Hundley or Connor Cook or whoever.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, if something isn't working then you don't keep doing it.  You get rid of it and find another option.  CUTLER ISN'T GOING TO WORK EVER.  So trade him for a 4th round pick (don't expect anything more than that with his salary) and move on.

New York Jets - Jay Cutler.  This almost makes too much sense. 

St. Louis - Brian Hoyer or Ryan Fitzpatrick.  It really doesn't matter.  The most boring offense in the league deserves a boring QB.  Sign both of these Chlorophyll's More Like Bore-o-phylls and watch another 7-9 season come to fruition after starting 1-6.

Houston - Sam Bradford.  I'm not sure what his contract sitch is but I could see him having a lot of success with actual talent around him.  The Texans are close but they need someone who doesn't blow under center.  Bradford may be a pussy but he does not blow.  Eh, fuck it, just put JJ Watt under center and we'll see you in the Super Bowl.

Washington - Robert Griffin III.  It sounds like everyone is coming back now which is hilarious.  I would fire Gruden immediately.  Either way, keeping RG3 at 6 million next year is worth it to see if it truly over or not.  I'd keep McCoy around as a backup though.  It's not like this team is close anyway.  I'd rather see us make damn sure that we ruined this kid before cutting him or trading him for nothing.  Make everyone go down with the shop.  Kill Dan Snyder.

Cleveland - Johnny Manziel.  You have to.  I don't care how bad he looks over the next two weeks or what Merrill Hoge says, this is your starting QB going into 2015.  You made a commitment to this guy so commit to him.  Give him a full year.  If he blows then that is on him.  As far as a back-up goes, Jake Locker makes sense as they could run the same sets and plays without much change.

Needless to say, having no franchise QB is the worst.  The main points that I wanted to make today are that the Bears need to move on ASAP, the Skins need to give it one last shot, and the Browns need to follow through on their homeless guy's vision.  What I'm trying to say here is that our teams are fucked forever.

34 comments:

Prime99 said...

HERM! was talking about possible destinations for Cutler yesterday and mentioned Tampa. Lovie would rather stab his eyes out while being fed his own genitals than have Jay as his QB again.

Our teams are fucked forever? Yes. That's true.

I want Rex back for one last shot. Trestman could unleash the dragon!

Mr. Ace said...

I was going to do something like this for tomorrow (with more ELITEness) but mostly because I wanted to trade the Sanchize for Johnny FOOTBALL And have the Eagles pick up either Locker or Manuel. I think Chip does make a push for Locker in the off season. I will also gladly take a shot at RG3.

How about Cutler to Buffalo? Obvs you don't know how dedicated Cutty is at this point, but buffalo is close and that's a good deal for both parties.

Jameis to stl, Fisher wants the next McNair.

Anonymous said...

I think the whole country would be OK with Jameis being the next McNair.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Strangely enough, Ace may have the answer; I could see Johnny Football working in Philly.

Anonymous said...

If the bears trade cutler they have to do a total rebuild and clean house. Fuller and Jeffery are probably the only two that should stay on either side of the ball. With that being said I still don't want them to reach on a qb just because they feel they need to. That never works out

Lacey

GMoney said...

Even the Browns aren't dumb enough to trade for free agent Mark Sanchez. That would be LULZ for days though.

Why would Buffalo deal for Cutler? Sure, he's more talented than Orton but is he better? I don't know about that. Plus, he is a faggot that turns the ball over all the time AKA the perfect Jet.

Stop sending Manziel out of the Dawg Pound already.

I think that the Red Wings should trade for good players since they got PWNED by the CBJ last night. Boom! SEVEN BRAH! 4 points out of the wild card. Have not lost in December! Never forget that I started this streak on 12/1 when I single-handedly defeated the Panthers.

CARRY IT!

GMoney said...

I also would like to know why Prime is up so late/early. 2:30 your time is not a "prime" commenting hour. Explain yourself and show your work.

GMoney said...

OMG...I just blew my mind and self.

Let's get Jimmy BRAH and Catler on the same team and watch the carnage unfold. NYJ or CHI...it can happen. America needs this.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ a shootout victory being PWND....5-0 is getting PWND brah.

NFL teams should be like the Buckeyes and just roll at minimum three deep with ELITEness at QB.

--Drew

GMoney said...

You got destroyed inside Nationwide North. DEAL WITH IT.

Prime99 said...

Meh, I sometimes sleep like a log and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night. I was up from 1-2:45 during the night and couldn't get back to sleep. Figured reading your post would lull me back to sleep. It did the trick- thanks, G$!

Prime99 said...

Drool's Jameis becoming McNair comment is fucking funny. LMBO.

GMoney said...

Alright, folks, the Commies have been set. The awards will be given out on Friday (more categories this year!). Yes, Commenter of the Year has been designated and approved by the committee of me.

Anonymous said...

I always thought it was cute over the last few weeks when Iceman would try to act like he had a vote for COY. I'm sure his "vote" was taken really seriously by the committee.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Actually, I do take input from he and Ape but, in the end, yeah, it's my call all the way, bruh.

I just stopped another pathetic shot attempt from your Wings.

Nibbles said...

G$, did you finalize your vote for LFL rules committee re: Commentor Daniel?

Lange is making his decision / history tomorrow at 12:00pm and will shape the future of fantasy football as we know it.

GMoney said...

Yes. I side with Dan. Lange has had the money all along and accepted a post-dated check for some reason. He should've seen something like this coming. And you can't punish someone in week 15 for YOUR screw up. This is Dut-level bad commissionermanship.

Speaking of the Jackets, I got the call yesterday that they would love for me to be an ambassador to the city of Columbus for the NHL ASG Fan Fair. If you're interested at all and have vacation days to burn (as I do), I think that they are still bringing people on board. Should be fun plus it officially comes with ample amounts of G$ so it's got that going for it. CTF!

Jeff said...

Don't know why anyone wants cutler. Harbrah is probably the only chance of ever having success with him at the helm. He won't be afraid to call him a pussy and make him get his shit together or draft Chuckie Keeton and start him over cutler from day 1.

Browns made their bed with manziel and gotta sleep in that shit for atleast a year.

LFL ruling will be all the LOLZ. Rulz are rulz, letter of the law brah!

T. Iceman said...

I always thought it was cute how Drew is still bothered by the fact I got the Tuesday job over him. He acts like he even had a shot at it.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ! Like G$ said...a Buckeye could never get a day here. I was just brought in to make you work for it son.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Daniels fate should be great. I hope the chat gets first wind. Keep in mind his only loss was to me.

G$ is Pauly Shore-ing out of the Commies with categories. That is the day to celebrate one asshole and his very unnoteworthy accomplishment. No one else should share that.

Unless gayest is the only other category and it goes to Dut.

Ide

Anonymous said...

If we get jimmy BRAH I would keep cutler to see if he could work his magic on him and seein the melt downs on the sidelines after one of cutlers "fuck it I'm going deep int" would be tremendous.

Lacey

GMoney said...

There have always been categories at The Commies. How else would we know who had WORST TAKE or Dumbest Commenter?

You guys need to get over the idea of "well, he's the best QB that we've ever had so we should keep him" bullshit. He is going to get 36 million GUARANTEED over the next two years to lead the league in turnovers. Fuck that. Bring back Eric Kramer for a tenth of that and with much less heartbreak.

GMoney said...

Also: Really strong taeks by Bernie Kosar calling the entire Browns management team idiots. That drunk literally lit my internet on fire.

Anonymous said...

How much of that 36 million am I paying and where did I say they should keep him since they can't do better?

Lacey

Prime99 said...

I know I've used the "cutler is the Bears best QB ever so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt" argument in the past, but that ship has sailed. I am willing to start over with a new coach and QB. I just want a solid plan in place (like the Cubs- can you believe I just said that?!?!?)

I would be so fucking interested to read a book about the 2014 Chicago Bears if someone decided to sell everyone down the river in 10 years. Marty Bennett seems like he would contribute to a book like that.

GMoney said...

You both said that yesterday, I believe. If not, you have been on Team Keep The Cat in the past.

"Fuck This Shit" by Aaron Kromer

Prime99 said...

"I really think the Bears will try to trade Cutler if possible and the only team that might work with is the Rams. Even then it would be more of a salary dump rather than good value on the picks. However, you'd then have to position yourself for Jameis or Mariotta. What I'm saying is: Go Cutler next year!"

That's me from yesterday. I lined out how to get rid of him in an ideal way, came to terms with the Bears front office being inept and not able to execute my plan, then sarcastically joked about cheering for Cutler next because the Bears will keep him in reality, because they suck.

GMoney said...

As long as you have come to terms with your ineptitude then I will allow it.

But I'm not seeing this Rams connection of which you elude to. I don't see that becoming a thing at all.

Prime99 said...

http://m.espn.go.com/general/blogs/blogpost?blogname=chicagobears&id=4678230&city=chicago&src=desktop

Grumpy said...

Jerry Angelo, ex-Bears GM and noted Miami alum, isn't looking so bad now, is he?

Prime99 said...

Jesus Christ, Grump! Angelo was inept also! He publicly blasted Cutler based on his analysis this year. But he BROUGHT Cutler to Chicago. He started this!

Anonymous said...

No grump, Angelo still looks like shit. He is the reason reason the bears are in the situation they are in now. Angelo left this bears team with no young talent.

Pretty sure I didn't say anything of the sort yesterday but I'm too lazy to check so I'm going to ask for a ruling from drew.

Lacey

T. Iceman said...

WOAH PRIME! Easy on the joking around. You wouldn't want someone to grab onto that and swear to the heavens it was said in complete sincerity until the end of time...