Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Santa Blogs Vol. 7


"You can sit on my lap if you can find it."




It's that time of year again, boys and girls. Jolly Old St. Prick is back to fill your stockings with disappointment and leave bags of shit under your trees while pissing on the furniture. If you're lucky, you may even find puke in your underwear drawer the next morning. What do you say we open some presents for some of the most rotten motherfuckers this side of the Internet? Strap in, ladies.

Cakes - This picture of Johnny Manziel.



Or should I say Johnny Accountant.


Grumpy - Hmmm...what do you get old people closing in on a 100 years old?  A couple of 2-liters of Vernors?  Denture cream?  Gummy vitamins?  A coffin?  We'll go with that.  A coffin with Raperberger trying to fuck the Steeler logo so everyone knows you lived like a toothless, white trash hill jack from Appalachia.

Jeff - You get to play quarterback for Clemson next year when DeShaun Watson hurts another body part and sits out half the season.  I'm certain you aren't athletic so you have to have college eligibility left.  I've never seen you throw a ball but I bet you throw worse than Carly Rae Jepsen.  But that's still better than anyone Clemson has on the depth chart behind Watson.

Dut - AIDS

Seal - Two flesh lights.  The first is an exact replica of John Calipari's whore mouth and the second is a perfect recreation of every last crease and curve of the inside of his turd cutter.  Now you can go ass to mouth just the way Coach Cal likes it.  A bag of my shit is included to make the experience authentic.

Prime - I paid 200 people to go to a Total Recall show so you will finally know what it's like to sell out a gig.  Of course these people are also paid to chuck batteries and open cans of rotten tuna at you while you play shitty covers of even worse songs from the 90's.

Nibbles - This gift isn't really for you as much as it is for your wife.  I'm sure she's way more enjoyable to be around anyway.  It sounds like she really hates Ide and any Ide hater is a friend of mine.  So you get to watch your wife fuck up Ide any way she sees fit.  It could be as simple as tying him to a chair or could get as gruesome as one of those murder dungeons in Hostel.  Dealer's choice.  It all depends on how nasty she feels like getting that day.

Larry Lacey - What do you get a Notre Dame fan who has already punched their ticket to hell by supporting murder and child molestation?  I don't know...Brian Kelly gets to light your dick on fire, I guess.  Fear not...I'm sure it's not Kelly's first dick fire rodeo so he probably knows what he's doing.

Drew - A gun, a bullet, a dumpster and a Kosta Karageorge jersey.

Ace - Your old boss back.  Yep.  I did you a solid and got that snotty cunt hired in at your new job so you can re-ignite the OBVZ sexual tension between the two of you.  I could practically see you guys fucking each other in that email exchange a couple weeks ago.  Get ready for a sexual enlightenment from an older woman.

Ide - A black wife born and raised in Harlem.  God damn.  This could be the best shitty gift ever.  Knowing you're sentenced to a life of choking down chitlins and pig's feet out of fear of getting beat like a slave is an idea we can all get behind.  Who wants to bet there is an #IdeLie about "loving chitlins and pig's feet" coming here...

Damman - A membership to Fruchey's gym in Napoleon.  You need to get that summer bod back so you can start courting all of the fine puss trolling around Napoleon's most high class trailer parks.  Caution: Most of the single women there have illegitimate children with Mexicans so you're gonna have to be okay with that.  Judging by your sexual resume, I think you will be.

G$ - Josh SMIFF to the Cavs.  That should end your hopes for a championship immediately.  Also...your in-laws are staying with you for 6 months.

Iceman - Remember when I was hilariously fired for pretty much no reason a few months back?  Well, word on the street is my replacement is on a 45 day probationary period for being an incompetent boob and is pretty much running that shit hole into the ground.  And everyone who works there truly hates each other.  Karma over your old crap ass job is about the best present anyone can ask for.  That, and my triumphant return to fantasy glory this year (7 playoff appearances in 8 leagues and still alive in 5).

Ho Ho Ho fuck yourselves, everyone.  Looking at this list I think Jolly St. Prick nailed it this year.  We have some real winner gifts totally suitable for the dick head recipients.  Tis better to give than receive, yes?  I have come to realize that this time of year with all of the chaos surrounding us, it's really easy to forget what the Christmas season is about.  It's about being a whiny insufferable cock sack to every person you come in contact with.  It's about bitching about long lines at the store like there was ever a fucking chance you were getting in and out in 15 minutes.  It's about getting pepper sprayed over the last pair of Jordans.  It's about elbowing that 80 year old blue haired dust ball in the temple so you can get your greasy little mitts on the last sound bar on sale for $50.  It's about diving over a pile of bodies like it's 4th and goal from the 1 so you can get your piss-ant, good for nothing, spoiled fucking rotten brat that last action figure that he won't appreciate.  Merry Christmas, indeed.  Every year this shit gets worse and worse.  Pretty soon we'll start murdering people for gifts assuming it hasn't happened already.  Christmas is the best, isn't it?  Hallelujah.  Holy Shit.  Where's the Tylenol?

34 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

My old boss prefers the ladies, so any sexual tension is strictly reserved for your spank bank.

Ice, I am on day 2 of being unemployed in Florida. Any tips? Other than golfing and drinking obvs.

I also hate when people complain about the holidays getting worse and worse because of greed or some bullshit as if Christmas is somehow above that behavior. Guess what? The winter solstice has been celebrated for centuries by drinking, fucking, and fighting. Christmas is just getting back to its pagan core.

Congrats to Damman! With his MSFL winnings he can buy the finest of top shelf Rick's drinks to woo any questionable lady he desires.

Mr. Ace said...

I apologize for my religious shots. I had to fake pray like 20 times this past weekend between family gatherings and a funeral. Sitting in a room listening to people pray to something that you put on the same level as Santa is a truly surreal experience.

And Ide wants unlimited $50 sock sets for him to jerk off into.

Anonymous said...

Crash Test Dummies marathon is where I landed. Fuck you, pay me.

I don't think that I've ever had chitlins. I did have pigs feet in some beaner dish once, soup I think, and it was okay, I guess, but I would be cool with never having it again.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Ape...I'm surprised you even went with the fake pray. I just stare at them and think about porn.

Iceman needed a new helmet and sandbox from Santa.

Speaking of religion...how many of these BYU THUGS are gonna get the boot after last night?

Grumps....good call on Dalton choking last night. Tonya should get to sit on your face after that.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

I don't really fake pray. I usually do the hand over hand and stare straight ahead thing. Occasionally I feel obligated to fake mumble if my grandpa is staring at me.

That BYU/Mempis brawl was a great ending to a great game. That honor code should send at least 5 of the Mormon bros packing.

GMoney said...

Solid gifts from St. Prick this year! My favorite was the most simple...AIDS. That and that Seal double Cal-light.

I will kill all of you if my in-laws ever move in with me for six months.

Gonna be a lot of Mormon faggots (speaking of fake praying to a bullshit deity!) researching transfer rules today if they already haven't started.

K-Dog (who somehow escaped Luck's garbage wrath this week) vs. Damman in the G$FL Super Bowl next week. I was going to get pissy about how Peyton's trash arm fucked me but whoever wins is still way better than the assbrick that won the league the last two years.

Grumpy said...

Dalton will choke next week...guaransheed.

Why is everybody so eager for me to die. Don't answer that.

GMoney said...

We all assume that we're heavily involved in the inheritance. ARE WE NOT???

Anonymous said...

DUT's gift was by far the best.

The holiday's with a 4 month old is going to be brutal - so many different places to go... but I do now have a good excuse to leave early and go home now.

Cakes - you gotta be getting close right? How much longer till the little one gets here?

Seal

T. Iceman said...

St. Prick really brought it this year. Most of you made it real easy to dream up these gems. Sometimes the best gifts are the simplest.

I'm not eager for you to die, Grumpy. That's just what people in their hundreds do. Their dicks stop working and they die.

So what's this MSFL payout looking like, Ace? I'm trying to get fucked up on some high end Rumplemintz before my in-law's Christmas party so I don't hang myself.

St. Prick has a last minute gift to Tonya. It's another first round playoff meltdown from Andrew "Red Dawn" Dalton and the Binguls. That's what Ray Lewis is calling them these days. That guy is the worst person alive.

Jeff said...

Lucky for me I get to watch one more game with Cole Stoudt at the helm since Deshaun Watson had knee surgery.

Holidays and just leaving the house in general with a 4 month old do suck, but atleast you're usually at a place with unlimited baby sitters.

GMoney said...

Seal, the sheer amount of shit that we will accumulate this week is what will drive me insane. A newborn has ZERO interests outside of a pacifier and slobber. Yet we will come back with full-ass trunks.

Cakes posting his 4D ultrasound to FB was creepy as fuck. Not that the kid is uggo or anything, but getting a color, digital photo of your unborn inside the womb is TOO FAR IMO.

One of the managers on my floor was just regaling my office neighbor and I about how his kids haven't talked to him since 2006 outside of asking what they're getting once he dies. It was the most depressing story I've ever heard. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Mr. Ace said...

Ice...I believe you are looking at a $200 payout. 50 for winning division and 30% of remaining prize pool is 150.

Damman gets 350.

Ide gets 50.

If you are all okay with PayPal then I will get you your monies tonight. If not then send me your address and you will get a check in January.

Anonymous said...

PayPal is fine by me, Ape. I'm pretty sure you have my email. Text me if you don't.

I forgot to thank Senator (or whatever he is) Lil Strut for trading me Romo in the MSFL! You may have earned my vote next time around. Maybe.

I will be showering all my Rick's whores with gifts from my MSFL winnings. You all had a part in this and should be honored.

-Damman

Jeff said...

Oh yeah, I won my OTHER league. Nice little $800 pay day. Hopefully get 10 pairs of socks or a couple cashmere sweaters. Decisions decisions.

T. Iceman said...

Drinking like a king! Paypal is fine. Let me know if you need my email.

T. Iceman said...

This guy my brother knows runs a college football pick thing ATS for a $20 buy in. Last year I believe the winner took home a grand. Anyone interested let me know. I'll just need your email so I can forward you the dude's email with the spreadsheet.

I'm not doing one through the blog this year because that shit is a pain in the fucking ass.

Anonymous said...

Are you bums taking the next two days off here? I feel we deserve content.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

Unless one of us throws something up last minute, it looks like we're dark the next two days. We'll see what happens if I get drunk and bored tonight.

Anonymous said...

Paypal is great. My gambling wining continue to fund my entire CHRISTmas shopping. As opposed to last year where I spent this year's shopping on my not ELITE losses.

CotY may have to step up with content.

Ide

GMoney said...

WHOA! Iceman does not speak for this site on non-Tuesdays. I will throw something up tomorrow, nothing Thursday because you need to remember CHRISTmas is the reason for the season, and Friday is The Man of the Year presentation.

Excellent Ide snark, Jeff. $70 for socks!

Anonymous said...

Content tomorrow....YES.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

You know what they say, if you can dodge batteries, you can entertain a crowd.

Had Daulton's first drive not happened, I would've beaten Ide. Gingered.

Ide's socks seem unnecessarily expensive.

T. Iceman said...

Iceman speaking for this blog = checking the post list and seeing nothing for tomorrow.

Jeff said...

They've gotta be cashmere socks, right?!?! But still

GMoney said...

I still have 18 hours to post something and you know nothing of my brilliant writing process.

Prime, spelling matters here. Where is that "u" coming from in DALTON. Stop adding unnecessary letters. You don't call him Joe Flaxcco.

Anonymous said...

Isn't that the English spelling? Maybe he's adopting a fake English accent to enhance his singing.

Anonymous said...

Yes, they are cashmere socks. NYC gets cold in the winter and I don't have a car to warm my feet up.

I have a pretty ELITE xmas post I can churn out if needed.

Ide

Anonymous said...

How about the Sex Cannon passing on the Browns offering him the starting job Sunday, saying he'd rather spend the weekend with his family for the holidays. Awesome.

Seal

Prime99 said...

I'll use whatever type of English I want. You care more about spelling than telling. Theirs the door.

T. Iceman said...

That's how you know the Browns bad. When someone turns down 50 grand for a week of work. Sex cannon must be doing well for himself.

GMoney said...

And there goes the bulk of my mail-in post tomorrow with you losers blowing your loads early on The Sex Cannon story. Jerks. Oh well, I'm not going to work very hard EVEN HARDER.

GMoney said...

Sounds like Nard Dog Narduzzi is going to Pitt. Damn good hire for them and now let's see what Dantonio has cooking because that leaves a YUGE hole.

Anonymous said...

Dantonio is OBVZ the brains behind the defense. I don't think they will have that big of a drop off. I'm more interested to see what Narduzzi does on his own.

--Drew