"You can sit on my lap if you can find it."
It's that time of year again, boys and girls. Jolly Old St. Prick is back to fill your stockings with disappointment and leave bags of shit under your trees while pissing on the furniture. If you're lucky, you may even find puke in your underwear drawer the next morning. What do you say we open some presents for some of the most rotten motherfuckers this side of the Internet? Strap in, ladies.
Cakes - This picture of Johnny Manziel.
Or should I say Johnny Accountant.
Grumpy - Hmmm...what do you get old people closing in on a 100 years old? A couple of 2-liters of Vernors? Denture cream? Gummy vitamins? A coffin? We'll go with that. A coffin with Raperberger trying to fuck the Steeler logo so everyone knows you lived like a toothless, white trash hill jack from Appalachia.
Jeff - You get to play quarterback for Clemson next year when DeShaun Watson hurts another body part and sits out half the season. I'm certain you aren't athletic so you have to have college eligibility left. I've never seen you throw a ball but I bet you throw worse than Carly Rae Jepsen. But that's still better than anyone Clemson has on the depth chart behind Watson.
Dut - AIDS
Seal - Two flesh lights. The first is an exact replica of John Calipari's whore mouth and the second is a perfect recreation of every last crease and curve of the inside of his turd cutter. Now you can go ass to mouth just the way Coach Cal likes it. A bag of my shit is included to make the experience authentic.
Prime - I paid 200 people to go to a Total Recall show so you will finally know what it's like to sell out a gig. Of course these people are also paid to chuck batteries and open cans of rotten tuna at you while you play shitty covers of even worse songs from the 90's.
Nibbles - This gift isn't really for you as much as it is for your wife. I'm sure she's way more enjoyable to be around anyway. It sounds like she really hates Ide and any Ide hater is a friend of mine. So you get to watch your wife fuck up Ide any way she sees fit. It could be as simple as tying him to a chair or could get as gruesome as one of those murder dungeons in Hostel. Dealer's choice. It all depends on how nasty she feels like getting that day.
Drew - A gun, a bullet, a dumpster and a Kosta Karageorge jersey.
Ace - Your old boss back. Yep. I did you a solid and got that snotty cunt hired in at your new job so you can re-ignite the OBVZ sexual tension between the two of you. I could practically see you guys fucking each other in that email exchange a couple weeks ago. Get ready for a sexual enlightenment from an older woman.
Ide - A black wife born and raised in Harlem. God damn. This could be the best shitty gift ever. Knowing you're sentenced to a life of choking down chitlins and pig's feet out of fear of getting beat like a slave is an idea we can all get behind. Who wants to bet there is an #IdeLie about "loving chitlins and pig's feet" coming here...
Damman - A membership to Fruchey's gym in Napoleon. You need to get that summer bod back so you can start courting all of the fine puss trolling around Napoleon's most high class trailer parks. Caution: Most of the single women there have illegitimate children with Mexicans so you're gonna have to be okay with that. Judging by your sexual resume, I think you will be.
G$ - Josh SMIFF to the Cavs. That should end your hopes for a championship immediately. Also...your in-laws are staying with you for 6 months.
Iceman - Remember when I was hilariously fired for pretty much no reason a few months back? Well, word on the street is my replacement is on a 45 day probationary period for being an incompetent boob and is pretty much running that shit hole into the ground. And everyone who works there truly hates each other. Karma over your old crap ass job is about the best present anyone can ask for. That, and my triumphant return to fantasy glory this year (7 playoff appearances in 8 leagues and still alive in 5).
Ho Ho Ho fuck yourselves, everyone. Looking at this list I think Jolly St. Prick nailed it this year. We have some real winner gifts totally suitable for the dick head recipients. Tis better to give than receive, yes? I have come to realize that this time of year with all of the chaos surrounding us, it's really easy to forget what the Christmas season is about. It's about being a whiny insufferable cock sack to every person you come in contact with. It's about bitching about long lines at the store like there was ever a fucking chance you were getting in and out in 15 minutes. It's about getting pepper sprayed over the last pair of Jordans. It's about elbowing that 80 year old blue haired dust ball in the temple so you can get your greasy little mitts on the last sound bar on sale for $50. It's about diving over a pile of bodies like it's 4th and goal from the 1 so you can get your piss-ant, good for nothing, spoiled fucking rotten brat that last action figure that he won't appreciate. Merry Christmas, indeed. Every year this shit gets worse and worse. Pretty soon we'll start murdering people for gifts assuming it hasn't happened already. Christmas is the best, isn't it? Hallelujah. Holy Shit. Where's the Tylenol?