Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Happy ROLL TIDE Eve!

So many strong takes
Tomorrow, we get to see those college football playoff semifinal games that we've been yearning over for quite some time and we'll get to that at the end.  But first, we need to talk about Michigan FINALLY doing the right thing and committing to a BRAH.  Yes, he is going to crush it in Ann Arbor.  Thinking otherwise is just stupid.  But let's think about the broader scope here for a minute because if this site is one thing, we are TRANSCENDENTALLY VISCERAL.  The Big Ten is about a year away from not being everyone's bitch anymore.  That is a straight up FACT, jack.

The days of loser low-ceiling programs like Nebraska and Wisconsin with their safe, wanker coaches being at the top are just about over.  In two years, The Four Horseman are going to ride at the top again with only Jerry Kill flipping and twitching at their heels.  Urb is going to keep rocking.  Dantonio has his formula down.  Jimmy BRAH has already invigorated life into a dead program and will have them in the playoff mix soon enough even if he has to kill everyone and he will do that.  And James Franklin is quietly cranking things up to 11 in the rape showers at PSU.  These four programs are closing in on making the Big 14 the Big 4.  And, this probably sounds weird coming from my ELITE fingers, that is a good thing.

The big bowls start up today and you can use this post as an open forum for New Year's Day if you want (unless Ape has another kid on the way that he wants to talk about tomorrow LULZ) but I wanted to throw out some ideas and thoughts that I've had through the 2014 bowl season thus far:

*I say it every year but people whining about there being too many bowl games should sop up the blood leaking from their giant gash.  Assholes that think this way are actually arguing for less football.  Move back to Iran.  No one is forcing you to watch it.

*I have already told the missus that should the RedHawks ever get the invite to the Popeye's Bahamas Bowl (MAC tie-in), we are so there.  There isn't a better bowl destination outside of the old BCS bowls than that, bruh.  She agreed.  Now we've just got to get bowl eligible!

*Watching the Pinstripe Bowl, which continues to be a MASSIVE success by the way, that first half was the worst football I have ever seen.  EVER.  BC's two minute drill was three runs up the middle at the 50 yard line.  And every time that they showed James Franklin, I just couldn't help but think "this guy is a dirtbag...he has sleazeball written all over him".  Anyone else think the same thing?  Dude can coach OBVZ but I'm sensing some shade there.

*Tough Sun Bowl loss for Duke and GSaul.  It really has to suck to get beat by ASU coach Patton Oswalt.  What a loser Todd Graham is.  Of course he's a Todd.  Maybe Burke will stop by and tell us what the local yokels think of him but, to me, Graham is a loser with that weird headset of his.

*Everyone see that Texas A&M assistant straight up punch the WV player in the back of the head?  Good because that's the last time that that black guy will ever see a football field again.

*This is going to sound odd but I think that Bert Bielema has a monster brewing down at Arkansas.  You've got to give a lot of the credit to Bert's groomed stubble which is far cooler than Dut's version.  Usually, when we talk about Dut's beard, it's about his lady friend.  Count it.

*RIP Everett Golson: Starting QB.  It all went to shit faster than Joe Paterno's legacy!

*BOB STOOPS IS SUCH A LOSER!  PRESEASON TOP 5 MAYBE THEY MEANT 5 LOSSES, BRUH!  DREW KNOWS NOTHING!  Jesus Christ, who goes from beating Alabama to getting obliterated by commenter Jeff in less than a year?  Dabo Swinney has embarrassed Lester, Urb, and Bobby Poops the past three bowl games.  That's impressive. 

*Any truth to these rumors that Broxton Milner could go to Duke?  That will truly test GSaul's allegiance.

OK, let's finish this by predicting the semifinals.  In the first, I've got to keep rolling with the Noles.  They always find a way and the Ducks are a pussy team with a shitty coach.  Give me FSU 31-30.  In the nightcap, as a hater this one scares me, but I just can't shake the idea of Saban and Kirby Smart having a month to prepare for Cardale Jones.  I don't see him playing half as well as he did in Indy and he will need to to pull the upset.  Another legitimate concern for Ohio is that they are lining up against athletes that aren't even remotely comparable to who they played against all year.  It could take a while to get used to that and by then it could be too late.  I'm not all that comfortable with the Vegas number but I am pretty sure that Phyllis From Mulga will go to bed happy tomorrow night.  Let's say ROLL TIDE 31-17.

Stop back by on Friday for Semifinal fall-out as well as the start of our NFL playoffs contest that we do every year.  Everyone be safe tonight and only drive if you're really drunk.  As for me, I will be sitting at home, carrying the flag OBVZ, drinking by myself while the women fall asleep at 9, and making jokes to the dog about how hilarious Dick Clark was after his stroke.  You know, good times.  ROLL TIDE!

66 comments:

GMoney said...

First one to comment besides me gets one of those sweet novelty basketballs from today's image!!!

Anonymous said...

Here for the free balls.

--Drew

MUDawgfan said...

Nick Chubb Mothafucka!

GMoney said...

Turd Gurley OVERRATED???

Anonymous said...

Hit this shit BULLET-POINT STYLE on this here NYE....

*Donkey Kong Suh is a free man!

*The HarBRAH hire was OBVZ ELITE. It will take him 2-3 years to to catch up to what URBZ has built here in Columbus...but, he'll get it up there. The B1G East is also gonna be ELITE.

*You would get abducted in the Bahamas.

*Franklin TOTES knew about those Vandy rapes.

*I dislike Todd Graham as well.

*Bert is indeed building something interesting in Arkansas. Those pigs love him down there. Did you see his handshake with Strong where he threw out the upside down horns on the hand?

*Bob Stoops is indeed a loser.

*I'm not sure what to make of the Braxton stuff. I still think he stays because he's not even going to be able to throw until like July. I don't see why he'd jump to a whole brand new set of doctors/physical therapists and then sit and watch months of practices for a new team. Just doesn't make sense to me...might as well just stick it out and see what happens.

*I like Oregon against FSU. FSU was able to sneak out all those wins against garbage competition.....Oregon ain't garbage. Oregon 38 FSU 24

*I couldn't be more excited for tomorrow...it's all I've basically thought about for a few weeks now. Today is just a distraction...if I can fall asleep at 6p.m. today...I'm gonna do it,so that I can get to tomorrow and wake up and start boozing. If we had J.T. Barrett, I'd be picking us to win. But, much like you....I just don't see us beating Bama with Cardale Jones. I do think we'll show up and bring a good game...but, it won't be enough. Bama 32 OSU 20

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

All the BRAH's have done for this site, and this is the reception he gets? A paragraph talking about bowl games that he would dominate if he were eligible? Rude IMO.

Michigan football is back. This is easily the biggest college football hire since Saban went to Bama.

Fuck all other college football topics.

WHOSE GOT IT BETTER THAN US?!?!?!

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ Harbaugh being a bigger hire than Meyer rolling into OSU. I expect him to do better than 25-1 in B1G play in his first three years then.

--Drew

GMoney said...

That's what I wanted to read! Drool predicting a loss and Ape going HAM on the BRAH Kool-Aid (100% piss by the way).

Jimmy tripping over the corpse of Hoke on his way to the podium yesterday was LULZ.

As has been well chronicled, I H8 THE GAME but I am officially intrigued by the near future of this once dead rivalry.

One nice subplot is that BRAH could be serving as a Michael Sam-like distraction for Ohio Buckeyes. I refuse to believe that everyone in the program has remained focused on Bama the last few days with The World's Biggest Asshole taking over and resuscitating their arch rival. Maybe it matters, maybe it doesn't, maybe it wouldn't have anyway. ROLL TIDE!

Anonymous said...

G$....Cardale doesn't agree with you....

#OhioSt QB Cardale Jones on Harbaugh possible hire at #Michigan: "I don't care."

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Drew, Michigan just got the coach with the 5th best winning percentage in NFL history. The coach with the best winning percentage the 4 years he was in the NFL. This is fucking HUGE. Oh, and he just happens to be an all time great QB at Michigan.

I'm not saying Urbz wasn't a great get or a big hire. But Urbz was out of coaching, was awful his last year at Florida...with a team full of criminals, got caught fucking a student, and faked a heart ailment.

I don't expect Harbaugh to go 25-1 in B1G play right off the bat. Even SabeCakes went 7-6 in his first year at Bama.

All I'm saying is that the Fuckeyes better win a title this year because that shit ain't happening on HARBAUGH'S WATCH, BROTHER!

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ everything in this statement...

"But Urbz was out of coaching, was awful his last year at Florida...with a team full of criminals, got caught fucking a student, and faked a heart ailment."

Harbaugh just got fired for shitting the bed this year....so, yeah.....he's awful in his last year. Then make up some shit.

Ohio State will probably be preseason #1 next year and HarBRAH will probably start off 0-1 with a loss at Utah. So, good luck on that guy fucking with the Buckeyes next year.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

May the Forcier be with you!

GMoney said...

Whoa! We've gone from top 3 to now #1? Show your work.

Did I miss where Urban fucked a Florida student? I feel like I would have known about that. Was it one of the Pouncey bros?

And Jim didn't technically get fired and going 8-8 isn't that bad when everyone on your defense is either hurt or suspended.

Just want to FACT check everyone today.

Anonymous said...

G$....been reading some national guys the last week or two saying #1....so, I'm rolling with it.

Ape just made up the fucking the student thing or read about it on a Michigan message board....LOLZ.

If Urbz gets knocked for criminals his last year....then Harbaugh should get knocked for his suspended players.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I've decided to become a Baylor fan; I can get behind a team that scores 60 pts. a game win or lose.

Ben Tate=Super Bowl

Roll Tide!

Anonymous said...

Yea I gotta back Drew here and say that Urbs going to OSU was bigger only because he has won more... Going off the cuff here but I'm pretty sure BRAH has only been to one BCS bowl game, where Urbs has won 2 Natty's right? Urbs is better.

It's an awesome hire, but you guys did this same shit with RRod and Hoke... settle down until you win something again... like enough games to get into a bowl game.

Seal

Anonymous said...

5th winnings coach. ROFL. That's a weak sample size to brag about. But yeah, let's see him go undefeated his first year.

Tonight sicks. I plan to be in bed by 1. My buddy went to FSU, so we have an ELITE tailgate thing planned all day. Buckeyes win.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Oh and stop with the " Oh, and he just happens to be an all time great QB at Michigan." - that has absolutely nothing to do with how well his teams are going to do moving forward. He's an alum, cool. Thats why he went back to coach there, but it has nothing to do with him being a winner or loser in games he will be coaching. He doesn't get a 3 point lead because he graduated from there. I hate that people think that because a coach went to school where he works means he is going to do better at his job. Gay.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Slow dropping that hammer! He's ending on a high note with me for 2014. Man just dropping TRUF bombs all over Ape.

--Drew

GMoney said...

John Calipari went to North Jersey Refridgerator Repair School.

Loser ass Michigan just hired the second or third best coach in the NFL. Even the most ardent hater has to admit that they #killedit. You FACTorback in that he was the originator of STANFORD FOOTBALL and I don't know how you don't have a raging erection.

JIM HASLETT IS GONE! FUCK YES! COME COACH OUR DEFENSE PLEASE, REX RYAN! SUPER BOWL!

Anonymous said...

Everyone is rolling Ace in the comments today, so G$ has to come in and take his side and fight the fight with him, LOLZ! Cute.

No one is saying its a bad hire- in fact we are all saying the opposite. But stop acting like you hired PROVEN champions like a Belichick or Urbz. Once again, chill out - you just made the first of three steps back to relevancy. Now you have to recruit, and then win. Once you do that- you can blow all your loads.

Seal

Anonymous said...

It sure is going to be embarrassing for Ape when he wakes up on the first morning of 2015 with Slow mushroom stamps all over his forehead.

I don't even know what G$'s flapping his gums about. I said it was an ELITE hire....and Slow is just saying the guy should win something first before trying to be up on the level of an URBZ. Also, how in the world is HarBRAH possibly the 2nd best coach in the NFL? Did Belicheck and Carroll get fired?

--Drew

GMoney said...

2nd or 3rd is what I said. Some might say that he is better than Petey C. Some might not.

Seal, I would love for someone to go back into the archives on the day that UK hired Calipari to see what your take was because that and this are pretty much the same thing don't you think? Although Jim has never had his prior programs under heavy sanctions.

Wow.--Cakes in regards to me just blowing Seal's mind while he blows me

I'm not defending Ape who is hilariously going off the deep end. I am just sticking up for a BRAH which is what any good bruh would do when faced with a bro-down.

T. Iceman said...

"Jimmy tripping over the corpse of Hoke on his way to the podium yesterday was LULZ."

A lesser athlete would have gone down.

Great troll job by Michigan having that press conference on Ohio media day. Even better troll job by reporters at the media day gearing most of the questions towards the BRAH.

Why is HarBRAH being a bigger hire LOLZ, Drew? Michigan whiffed on it's last 2 hires and has been on the level of the Iowas and Minnesotas for almost a decade. They were desperate to find a guy that would bring the program back to where people expect it to be and did. Ohio never struggled like this for this long in between Tressell and URBZ. The HarBRAH hire for sure means more to this program than what URBZ meant to Ohio when he was hired.

Anonymous said...

Harbaugh was 4-5 against Carroll in the NFL and Carroll has that Super Bowl ring thing as well. Who in their right mind would say Harbaugh is above him?

--Drew

GMoney said...

AGAIN, 2nd or 3rd...some might think that three straight NFC title games and a Super Bowl appearance while starting Bubbles from The Wire at QB is more impressive (while also not bring down a once ELITE CFB program). Jesus Christ, you are one dense turd sucker.

Mr. Ace said...

The rumor, I will call it that because it obvs can't be confirmed, was pretty widespread in 2010. Supposedly a 23 year old grad student. This was probably the reason for the "chest pains". And he saw what Florida was headed for and bailed.

Seal, you know nothing about Michigan football obvs, but there is this "Michigan Man" thing attached to the program, which is totes stupid but very real, where M alums and former players only want Michigan people coaching the football program. The fact that Harbaugh is an M great is fucking huge, maybe not nationally, but in the Michigan community.

Also Seal, Harbaugh turned Stanford from a doormat to a contender. Finished in the Top 15 the last 2 years and won a BCS game his last year. FUCKING STANFORD! Look at what that program looked like the previous decade before Harbaugh.

Also Seal, the 49ers were 6-10 before Harbaugh came. They made the NFC Championship game the next year. He also resurrected Alex Smiff's career. Look at what the 49ers looked like from 03-10 before Harbaugh came. And the guy went fucking 8-8 with a team wrecked by injuries, and with a front office that said he would be fired without a Super Bowl before the season even started. He wasn't fired for going 8-8, Droucher. He was fired because the front office didn't want to hand over more control to Harbaugh.

So yes, this is a much bigger hire than Urbz, as I said. And as G$ said, Michigan just got a Top 3 NFL coach with a history of turning dumpster fires into winners quickly. BUCKLE UP, FUCKBOYS!

Also, Michigan is about the get the Defensive Coordinator from Florida...who just happened to the be the Recruiter of the Year in 2012. And probably keeping Mattison on staff. And probably bringing Roman from the 49ers as OC. So suck all the dicks.

Anonymous said...

Meaning something to Michigan is not equal to "biggest hire since Saban to Bama".

--Drew

Anonymous said...

"Recruiter of the Year" trophies probably get stacked right next to Denard and Gardiner's "September Heismans".

--Drew

Jeff said...

Harbaugh is a great hire no doubt, but one might say he knows when to get out. Great job building Stanford, but another Andrew Luck wasn't coming every three years. He saw the light in San Fran too. He knows he will keep getting pwned by Petey and a young and only getting better cardinals team. One might argue he was the 3rd best coach in his Division. Just cause you got out of a dumpster fire doesn't mean you're not still covered in flaming shit.

GMoney said...

I believe that Drool has given FagNasty Fickell plenty of Recruiter of the Year awards LOL.

Mr. Ace said...

Um, Jeff. Stanford went 11-2, 12-2, and 11-3 the 3 years after Harbaugh left. But...nice HAWT TAEK!

Jeff said...

All David Shaw, IMO.

Mr. Ace said...

So it was totes a sinking ship, but Harbaugh just happened to have an ELITE coordinator on staff to keep the victories flowing? Ok.

GMoney said...

Between Tomlin and Shaw, Jeff is a reverse racist.

Jeff said...

I love me some Sumlin too

Prime99 said...

Coach Cal wished his daughter happy birthday on Twitter, she replied back with "it's not my birthday." LOLZ

Business is picking up! Here is what I'm talking about! The Internet was far too quiet with BRAH talk, but you all are bringing it today!

Stanford lost to UC MFing DAVIS the year before Harbaugh took over. BCS victory 4 years later. That's a feat. Jimmy will do great at Michigan.

If Ape and Ice aren't wearing custom Michigan dockers by next week, I'll be disappointed. They exist. I've seen them on Twitter.

Anonymous said...

That's 3 too many, imo.


Ide

Jeff said...

They just have a better understanding of how to get a job done on a field, IMO..

Anonymous said...

I'll remain cautiously optimistic about Jimmy BRAHs future in Michigan. I will echo his sentiment and say that "I'm very excited and very challenged"

Nothing seems to build greater pressure than when the entire Michigan fan base has deemed you a god before you even have your first practice. I don't smell any expectations. The camp broke down once BO died, its been in shambles for close to a decade. Jim has more to do that coach, he has to rebuild that inner network that has doomed Michigan for a decade.

Talk about some SERIOUS EXPECTATIONS - May the Focier be with BRAH.

Playoff Prediction - Oregon pull away in the second half. Too much speed and not enough brains on the FSU side of the ball to compete.

I'm going the opposite on the thinking here, I think OSU hangs in early by coming out and smacking Bama around a bit. The intensity will be there in this game for much to happen early. Probably hang around into the 3rd quarter. Then you'll see a 1 TD lead by bama, slowly turn into a 2TD+FG lead, and eventually time runs out.

Oregon Alabama for the title.

- J saul

GMoney said...

Sounds like Bo Wallace is playing like everyone remembers Bo Wallace playing.

Mr. Ace said...

HARBAUGH

GMoney said...

Good point.

Anonymous said...

Wow, two GSaul references in the same post. You must have had a quota to meet by the end of 2014.

Braxton better not be trolling the Dukies, but I'm sure he'd rather play for a Brah anyway.

-GSaul

GMoney said...

Well, I still owe you fantasy baseball money and since I never leave the house anymore, I figured that you would accept blog references in return. Deal?

Jeff said...

Glad to see Ape has his mojo back, for now. Was getting a little gloomy there with the state of all things UM, the iggles, quitting his job, and his fear of impending fatherhood. Glad that the fire is back.

Jeff said...

Oh and the Noles win, cause that's what they do. And they're way more physical than everyone things. Think Bama wins too. Probably on the betting number.

Anonymous said...

TCU laying the hammer down on the SEC.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ.....

https://www.reddit.com/r/nba/comments/2qxt0i/listen_to_this_link_carefully_did_lebron_say_to/?sort=top

--Drew

GMoney said...

GIGANTIC BREAKING FUCKING NEWS...

Damman is engaged in a Twitter fight with Harvey Updyke currently AKA the guy that poisoned those trees at Auburn. LOL!

GMoney said...

ELITE comment on Drew's link (thankfully does not include asshole):

If Lebron ever returns to the heat I will eat my pubes. Tag me.

As for the video/article, the circus is annoying.

Anonymous said...

"And probably bringing Roman from the 49ers as OC."

Michigan just hired USC's OL coach to be OC. Swing and Miss by Ape.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Guys....I'm here for the afternoon games. On my 2nd beer already. Who wants to chat?!?

--Drew

GMoney said...

Matt Millen eating shrimp and praising himself for drafting Kevin smith smh

Anonymous said...

Matt Millen can die.

This MSU/Baylor game is gonna take like 8 hours.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Ape and Iceman....what time does Michigan play today?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I'm game for some chit chat. Drinking some scotch now. The real Michigan team is playing now.

Harbaugh is a bust.

Ide

GMoney said...

Kevin Connauton is better than all of those playoff teams combined. Carry!

Anonymous said...

That option call on third and short by MSU was do dumb fo real.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Every Fighting Jerry Kill game is a bust without dilly bars imo.

MSU is dogshit this game.

Ide

GMoney said...

Dave Pasch said that Connor Cook is a Heisman contender next year. LOL DUMB. That's like saying that Maty Mauk doesn't suck all the dicks.

Anonymous said...

Joel Stave is going to be the next Redskins QB.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I was going to make a comment earlier on how bad Dave Pasch has been. ClearlClearly the picked Cotton Bowl doesn't command the prestige of capable announcers.

Ide

Prime99 said...

B1G killin it today.

I'm watching the Winter Classic. Great TV every year. Props to the Nationals as it looks like this stadium is suited well for the event. Go 'Hawks!

Prime99 said...

I was going to say yes to drugs today, but the basketball pictured reminded me to say no!

Two questions on the phone number listed: 1) is it still active? 2) is it a suicide hotline?

Anonymous said...

Wow - Cakes

Ide