Oh, yippee. The Army Navy game was last Saturday.
It's been well documented on this site that most of the commenters (if not all) pretend to enjoy a terrible football game played by two terrible teams. And apparently I'm a terrorist because I think watching a team that has won
12 13 straight in this "rivalry" (Navy) triple option their way to another win against a team that always sucks ass (Army 4-7) is a waste of fucking time. Well, I guess sign me up for vest bomb making 101 because this game will always be boring and awful and I'll probably never watch it. Moving on.
So Christmas is upon us again. The time of year where fake ass douche bags pretend to like the people they fucking hate while fights break out in malls around the world over the last piece of stupid plastic your kid will either destroy or stop playing with 3 months later. Ahhhhh. Such a festive time. So. I figured while things slow down in the college football world, what better time to sit down with everyone's favorite BRAH to talk some football and holiday cheer. Tis the season to get offended by a BRAH.
Iceman: Coach, thank you for sitting down with me. I'm here to...
Jim BRAH: Suck the skeet out of my big Jim stick....I know. Except I don't know how many fuckin times I have to tell those brain dead shit sacks that I prefer fat Asian men in their early 20's. See, at that age they look like they could be 13 but they aren't 13 so it's totally legal but feels super illegal. It's part of the sexual excitement. Plus I like to squeeze on their squishy little tit bags while they chow my piss pipe. Keeps me hard. /looks me up and down. What are you...B cup? I guess I could ma..
Iceman: Shut the fuck up! Fuck, man! I'm not here to suck your dick. And I've been working out so I don't have B cups. Jesus Christ...why am I even talking about this with you?
Jim BRAH: Cause you know you want this shit. /violently grabs crotch under the table
Iceman: Okay...I think we're done here.
Jim BRAH: No no no no no no no! I'll behave. If I get arrested again I go back to jail. There's a Nubian prince there with a hog the size of a fire extinguisher that promised me if I ever came back I would shit bowling balls for the rest of my life. Normally that kind of sweet talk gets Dick and the twins sexually charged up...but I don't do the blacks. Because they all have AIDS.
Iceman: That is incredibly racist. Have you been talking to Ide again? Never mind all of that. I'll make you a deal...you answer my questions without further incident and I won't call the cops.
Jim BRAH: Deal! /extends his hand for a handshake...
Iceman: Dude. I can see the glob of semen in your palm.
Jim BRAH: Sorry. Old habits die hard. That was the last one, I promise.
Iceman: Alright...Let's just not touch each other. Or get close. Yeah. Good idea. Okay. Let's start what is sure to be an absolute shit show of an interview. Christmas is right around the corner. As fucked up as your family is, I'm sure it's nice to get together for the Holidays. What is your favorite HarBRAH Christmas tradition?
Jim BRAH: Well, Iceman. I would have to say the annual nude arm wrestling tournament. Winner gets to wear the crotchless Santa costume. Joani is going for a four peat this year but someone needs to knock her off because she's fuckin ruining Christmas.
Iceman: How is that?
Jim BRAH: Uhhhh. The pants are crotchless??? The fuckin hairs on her cat flap are thicker than a Viking's beard. I don't think she's shaved that beast since 1984. It looks and smells like a dead skunk. Or a homeless guy's nuts covered in afterbirth.
Iceman: Nice. How does Tom Crean feel about you talking about his wife like that?
Jim BRAH: Fuck that limp dicked pussy faggot! She was a HarBRAH before a useless CreanPie! Oooooo!! Nothin gets my blood hotter than talking about that worthless shit stain, pig fucking, butt queen Tom CreanPIE. He's the reason murder should be legal!!
Iceman: So it's safe to say Tom Crean isn't welcome in the HarBRAH house at Christmas time.
Jim BRAH: Actually he is, unfortunately. I talk a big game but Joani is the top dick swingin' dog in this family. Always has been. She'll give me rug burns on my balls if I don't play nice around CreanPIE. But I still have my ways of fucking with him when Joani isn't looking. I'll bury my index finger into my own ass, wipe the shit on my dick and swirl my sex sausage around in CreanPIE's ginger ale when he isn't looking. He's so God damn dense he doesn't even realize he's sipping on my stool.
Iceman: /slowly puts napkin over drink. I'm speechless. What else? What other holiday traditions are a part of a HarBRAH Christmas?
Jim BRAH: Well. We're all cheap and selfish assholes so we do one of those black elephant gift things every year.
Iceman: You mean WHITE elephant?
Jim BRAH: You fuckin heard me, shit for brains! Black elephant. You know...where each family member breaks into a house in the neighborhood and steals as many gifts as they can carry? The only thing that gets my dick harder than fat Asian men is sad children bawling like little bitches on Christmas. I would jerk off with their tears if possible.
Iceman: I really don't know how to respond to that, coach.
Jim BRAH: How about with, "Sad children get my dick hard also, coach."?
Iceman: I'm afraid you're solo on that one, pal. Dare I ask, do the HarBRAHs go Christmas caroling?
Jim BRAH: Caroling? Fuck no. We go Christmas poo'ing. We'll ring the doorbell and act like we're about to start singing. Then all of a sudden, we'll start heaving piles of our own dung at them like fucking monkeys! I like to eat a blend of Mexican and Thai food the night before with a full block of sharp cheddar right before bed to bring a mild rigidness to my turds the next day. That way I can form a nice tight shit ball but still have it explode like a water balloon would when it makes contact. It's a pretty strategic process and one I'm still perfecting.
Iceman: Honestly, I don't know why these answers surprise me anymore. There's been a lot of talk about your future with the 49ers, coach. How do you feel about this organization?
Jim BRAH. Faggots. The lot of them. There's a reason that team is in San Francisco. That's where all the queers are. Those cock lovers are gonna have to fire me if they want me gone. Dad's S&M belt taught me at a young age that a HarBRAH doesn't quit!! No matter how much ripped skin and blood there is. Tell ya what though...one thing is for sure. That is the last time I put my faith in some fuckin dune coon QB so shitty his own parents didn't even want him. Lesson learned!
Iceman: Coach! You can't say dune...ugh. Never mind. So where is the next coaching stop for Jim HarBRAH? Michigan??
Jim BRAH: Damn right I'll be there! Or maybe not. Or go fuck yourself. Like I'm going to tell a piece of shit like you. Or any of the sackless dildos that read this poor excuse for a sports blog. Only me and my anal sex addiction group know the answer to that question. I feel like I can tell them anything.
Iceman: Seriously, coach. Is Michigan even on your radar right now?
Jim BRAH: Suck a mile of goat dicks.
Iceman: Jesus...come on! COACH! WHERE WILL YOU BE COACHING NEXT YEAR?!
Jim BRAH: Your mother's panties.
Iceman: Coach...we talked about this.
Jim BRAH: Fuck your face, you dickless twatsuckle. I won't be caged!! You don't own me!! Fist yourself, you faggot fuck!!
Iceman: That's it. Deal is off, coach. I'm calling the poli...
At this point Jim HarBRAH tears his shirt off like the Hulk, upends the table, lowers his shoulder and plows right through me on his way to the door. I didn't realize until this moment that Jim HarBRAH was wearing only a jock strap and stilettos below the waist for the entire interview. What the fuck.
It appears we left this interview with more questions than answers, as usual. Jim HarBRAH gets more offensive and strange as the years pass but that doesn't change the fact that I want this psychotic loon coaching for the Wolverines next year. Any Michigan fan would. Rumors, speculations and scorching TAEKS continue to get plastered all over Twitter. I'm seeing tweets out there saying that Harbaugh to Michigan is almost a done deal...but I'm also seeing tweets saying that Harbaugh will remain in the NFL. Who the fuck knows any more? If nothing else, it's keeping me entertained. That's it today. I hope you enjoyed a peek into holidays with the HarBRAHs while we wait for the bowl games. Until next time...