Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Happy BRAHlidays.

Oh, yippee.  The Army Navy game was last Saturday.

It's been well documented on this site that most of the commenters (if not all) pretend to enjoy a terrible football game played by two terrible teams.  And apparently I'm a terrorist because I think watching a team that has won 12 13 straight in this "rivalry" (Navy) triple option their way to another win against a team that always sucks ass (Army 4-7) is a waste of fucking time.  Well, I guess sign me up for vest bomb making 101 because this game will always be boring and awful and I'll probably never watch it.  Moving on.

So Christmas is upon us again.  The time of year where fake ass douche bags pretend to like the people they fucking hate while fights break out in malls around the world over the last piece of stupid plastic your kid will either destroy or stop playing with 3 months later.  Ahhhhh.  Such a festive time.  So.  I figured while things slow down in the college football world, what better time to sit down with everyone's favorite BRAH to talk some football and holiday cheer.  Tis the season to get offended by a BRAH.

Iceman: Coach, thank you for sitting down with me.  I'm here to...

Jim BRAH: Suck the skeet out of my big Jim stick....I know.  Except I don't know how many fuckin times I have to tell those brain dead shit sacks that I prefer fat Asian men in their early 20's.  See, at that age they look like they could be 13 but they aren't 13 so it's totally legal but feels super illegal.  It's part of the sexual excitement.  Plus I like to squeeze on their squishy little tit bags while they chow my piss pipe.  Keeps me hard.  /looks me up and down.  What are you...B cup?  I guess I could ma..

Iceman: Shut the fuck up!  Fuck, man!  I'm not here to suck your dick.  And I've been working out so I don't have B cups.  Jesus Christ...why am I even talking about this with you?

Jim BRAH: Cause you know you want this shit. /violently grabs crotch under the table

Iceman: Okay...I think we're done here.

Jim BRAH: No no no no no no no!  I'll behave.  If I get arrested again I go back to jail.  There's a Nubian prince there with a hog the size of a fire extinguisher that promised me if I ever came back I would shit bowling balls for the rest of my life.  Normally that kind of sweet talk gets Dick and the twins sexually charged up...but I don't do the blacks.  Because they all have AIDS.

Iceman: That is incredibly racist.  Have you been talking to Ide again?  Never mind all of that.  I'll make you a deal...you answer my questions without further incident and I won't call the cops.

Jim BRAH: Deal! /extends his hand for a handshake...

Iceman: Dude.  I can see the glob of semen in your palm.

Jim BRAH: Sorry.  Old habits die hard.  That was the last one, I promise.

Iceman: Alright...Let's just not touch each other.  Or get close.  Yeah.  Good idea.  Okay.  Let's start what is sure to be an absolute shit show of an interview.  Christmas is right around the corner.  As fucked up as your family is, I'm sure it's nice to get together for the Holidays.  What is your favorite HarBRAH Christmas tradition?

Jim BRAH: Well, Iceman.  I would have to say the annual nude arm wrestling tournament.  Winner gets to wear the crotchless Santa costume.  Joani is going for a four peat this year but someone needs to knock her off because she's fuckin ruining Christmas.

Iceman: How is that?

Jim BRAH: Uhhhh.  The pants are crotchless???  The fuckin hairs on her cat flap are thicker than a Viking's beard.  I don't think she's shaved that beast since 1984.  It looks and smells like a dead skunk.  Or a homeless guy's nuts covered in afterbirth.

Iceman: Nice.  How does Tom Crean feel about you talking about his wife like that?

Jim BRAH: Fuck that limp dicked pussy faggot!  She was a HarBRAH before a useless CreanPie!  Oooooo!!  Nothin gets my blood hotter than talking about that worthless shit stain, pig fucking, butt queen Tom CreanPIE.  He's the reason murder should be legal!!

Iceman: So it's safe to say Tom Crean isn't welcome in the HarBRAH house at Christmas time.

Jim BRAH: Actually he is, unfortunately.  I talk a big game but Joani is the top dick swingin' dog in this family.  Always has been.  She'll give me rug burns on my balls if I don't play nice around CreanPIE.  But I still have my ways of fucking with him when Joani isn't looking.  I'll bury my index finger into my own ass, wipe the shit on my dick and swirl my sex sausage around in CreanPIE's ginger ale when he isn't looking.  He's so God damn dense he doesn't even realize he's sipping on my stool.

Iceman: /slowly puts napkin over drink.  I'm speechless.  What else?  What other holiday traditions are a part of a HarBRAH Christmas?

Jim BRAH: Well.  We're all cheap and selfish assholes so we do one of those black elephant gift things every year.

Iceman: You mean WHITE elephant?

Jim BRAH: You fuckin heard me, shit for brains!  Black elephant.  You know...where each family member breaks into a house in the neighborhood and steals as many gifts as they can carry?  The only thing that gets my dick harder than fat Asian men is sad children bawling like little bitches on Christmas.  I would jerk off with their tears if possible.

Iceman: I really don't know how to respond to that, coach.

Jim BRAH: How about with, "Sad children get my dick hard also, coach."?

Iceman: I'm afraid you're solo on that one, pal.  Dare I ask, do the HarBRAHs go Christmas caroling?

Jim BRAH: Caroling?  Fuck no.  We go Christmas poo'ing.  We'll ring the doorbell and act like we're about to start singing.  Then all of a sudden, we'll start heaving piles of our own dung at them like fucking monkeys!  I like to eat a blend of Mexican and Thai food the night before with a full block of sharp cheddar right before bed to bring a mild rigidness to my turds the next day.  That way I can form a nice tight shit ball but still have it explode like a water balloon would when it makes contact.  It's a pretty strategic process and one I'm still perfecting.

Iceman: Honestly, I don't know why these answers surprise me anymore.  There's been a lot of talk about your future with the 49ers, coach.  How do you feel about this organization?

Jim BRAH.  Faggots.  The lot of them.  There's a reason that team is in San Francisco.  That's where all the queers are.  Those cock lovers are gonna have to fire me if they want me gone.  Dad's S&M belt taught me at a young age that a HarBRAH doesn't quit!!  No matter how much ripped skin and blood there is.  Tell ya what though...one thing is for sure.  That is the last time I put my faith in some fuckin dune coon QB so shitty his own parents didn't even want him.  Lesson learned!

Iceman: Coach!  You can't say dune...ugh.  Never mind.  So where is the next coaching stop for Jim HarBRAH?  Michigan??

Jim BRAH: Damn right I'll be there!  Or maybe not.  Or go fuck yourself.  Like I'm going to tell a piece of shit like you.  Or any of the sackless dildos that read this poor excuse for a sports blog.  Only me and my anal sex addiction group know the answer to that question.  I feel like I can tell them anything.

Iceman: Seriously, coach.  Is Michigan even on your radar right now?

Jim BRAH: Suck a mile of goat dicks.


Jim BRAH: Your mother's panties.

Iceman: Coach...we talked about this.

Jim BRAH: Fuck your face, you dickless twatsuckle.  I won't be caged!!  You don't own me!!  Fist yourself, you faggot fuck!!

Iceman: That's it.  Deal is off, coach.  I'm calling the poli...

At this point Jim HarBRAH tears his shirt off like the Hulk, upends the table, lowers his shoulder and plows right through me on his way to the door.  I didn't realize until this moment that Jim HarBRAH was wearing only a jock strap and stilettos below the waist for the entire interview.  What the fuck.

It appears we left this interview with more questions than answers, as usual.  Jim HarBRAH gets more offensive and strange as the years pass but that doesn't change the fact that I want this psychotic loon coaching for the Wolverines next year.  Any Michigan fan would.  Rumors, speculations and scorching TAEKS continue to get plastered all over Twitter.  I'm seeing tweets out there saying that Harbaugh to Michigan is almost a done deal...but I'm also seeing tweets saying that Harbaugh will remain in the NFL.  Who the fuck knows any more?  If nothing else, it's keeping me entertained.  That's it today.  I hope you enjoyed a peek into holidays with the HarBRAHs while we wait for the bowl games.  Until next time...


Grumpy said...

Army/Navy is the best.

Great interview.

GMoney said...

Just as filthy as I remember/like it. Did I miss John? Where was John?

Army/Navy is indeed ELITE. You should like that because every person on that field is better than all of us combined, Osama. Plus, they both pretty much run the Wing T.

I've got a question: is Michigan even close to hiring an AD? I feel like they should be taking care of this before worrying about the head coach IMO.

BEARS BAD. How does that team have five wins???

GMoney said...

Wait a minute---Jim Harbaugh: Head Football Coach/Director of Athletics/Fisting Club President

Anonymous said...

Sounds like there is a good chance Hackett stays on as AD. Not sure why they want businessmen instead of experienced AD's running the department.


GMoney said...

LOL...never hire the interim guy.

Grumpy said...

G$ was an interim hire.

Daniel said...

Welcome to the South Side birches! A special thanks to Lange and Dut for the massive amounts of shit talk Sunday afternoon. I believe this was a turning point in motivating my remaining players. Also like to thank the Cowboys for tackling maclin on the one inch line as that touchdown would have been the difference. Finally, thanks to dut for playing Sanchize over Rivers as the point differential would have been enough to win him the game.

Daniel said...


Prime99 said...

"The fuckin hairs on her cat flap are thicker than a Viking's beard."

So that made me LOL. Really well done. Feels like an authentic interview tbh.

Drool, I don't see how the Lions could possibly lose to the Bears. If they do, they in no way deserve to go to the playoffs.

The Bears will probably end up with pick 10 in the draft. It feels like they deserve the first pick. I agree with G$. How they have 5 wins (SF, Jets, ATL, MIN, and Lovie) is beyond me. Ready for this season to be over. Blow this fucking thing up.

Mr. Ace said...

"The fuckin hairs on her cat flap are thicker than a Viking's beard"

That line is gold.

And HarBRAH will be the Michigan head coach as I have said all along.

GMoney said...


Dan, I traded Rivers to that loser so I feel very warm and moist knowing that him picking El Shitbox was THE DIFF. That makes up for me beating you by like .3 points a few years ago. We are even.

Anonymous said...

Prime...very good chance the Lions pull a Lions and lose this game. Any chance Tressman keeps his job?


Prime99 said...

It's a funny thing about the Bears. They don't fire coaches and/or GMs lightly. But this is a fucking disaster. I still put odds at 30% that Trestman keeps his job. It would be zero at so many other organizations.

If they know they can get the interviewee of today's post- he gone. I hear the Niners would work to not trade Jimmy to an NFC team, tho.

Prime99 said...

Even Gruden was negative toward the Bears. That's how bad it is.

Anonymous said...

Great interview.

Bears bad! They need to blow this thing up but I don't think they will.

It takes forever for the bears to fire a gm or coach so I bet Trestman gets one more year.


Anonymous said...

Fuck Julio Jones and Jordy Nelson.


T. Iceman said...

It seems like Michigan is rolling with Hackett. And if he lands Harbaugh then there's no doubt Hackett stays on...and I have no problem keeping the guy who gets Harbaugh. One thing I don't understand is...why are people saying Michigan can't match an NFL salary? I don't have access to their books, but I feel like a place like Michigan would have no problem coughing up that kind of cash.

John couldn't make this one, guys. He was out paying circus clowns to choke him while he jerks off to ESPN the magazine's bodies issue. Cat flap is a term that needs to be used more, IMO.

Catler did his best to keep me out of the MSFL Finals but sealed the deal late in the game. No one gets garbage points like Catler and the Bears. If I beat Damman, that would have to be the first time in history anyone starting Catler won a title. The odds are definitely not in my favor.

I'm with Prime on Trestman. I think he stays too. But I don't know about the cry baby coordinator who spilled the beans on everyone regretting Catler's contract extension. HE probably GONE.

Best part of last night was the Catler "DAMNIT!" at the line of scrimmage GIF. Sums everything up perfectly.

Did anyone happen to catch the post game coverage last night? Ray Lewis is a fucking twat. He looked and sounded like he was auditioning for some Hollywood drama when talking about Catler's performance. I don't see how ESPN keeps Lewis past this season. He's so fucking illiterate and impossible to listen to.

GMoney said...

If Trestman stays then a whole lot of players are going to have to go. Especially the ones with ten year old boys. They might start talking about Uncle Touchy.

Prime99 said...

I really think the Bears will try to trade Cutler if possible and the only team that might work with is the Rams. Even then it would be more of a salary dump rather than good value on the picks. However, you'd then have to position yourself for Jameis or Mariotta. What I'm saying is: Go Cutler next year!

T. Iceman said...

Even though it's blowing up in their faces, I think paying Cat was the right move. And you can blame Flacco and the Ravens for starting the movement of throwing an insane amount of cash at a mediocre franchise QB. But it had to be done if you have a QB who would start on half the teams in the NFL right now. You either pay the man or become a team like thre Browns...desperately searching for a franchise QB.

Anonymous said...

Why did Iceman stay up late enough to watch postgame for that awfulness?

G$..I'm thinking the Wings score goals for each of your five lines like last time tonight. Poo Jackets gonna Poo.


Anonymous said...

What could the bears even get for cutler?

Even if the bears get rid of cutler they have so many issues. Say what you want about Lovie but at least his defense was always ELITE and there were never any locker room issues


GMoney said...

Easy fellas, this sounds like a post for the near future and I'm definitely the sort of fantasy GM to spend other people's money and run their franchise THE RIGHT WAY.

Nah, BRAH, Jackets make it seven tonight. You aren't facing an AHL team this time.

T. Iceman said...

Its not like I sat there and said, "Gotta get this post game analysis!" The game was over and I was dicking around on Twitter with the post game on in the background. And it was only 10 minutes. So late...

Anonymous said...

Jesus...Tress went and did nab Pelini for YSU. That's pretty incredible.


Prime99 said...

Lacey- I think the Bears could get a 4th or conditional 3rd from the Rams. I believe the Rams have lots of picks and Fisher has a relationship with Cutler, wants to run the ball more than pass, and might do a decent job within a conservative offense.

I believe he will be on the Bears next year, but that is the scenario I see that could lead him out of town. Bears would save enough money to fire Phil and Trestman too!

Anonymous said...

Where doth go if they trade cutler? I don't think they will be in a position to draft Mariotta or Winston so basically they are in the same situation if not worse off. They need to try and fix the defense and get rid of Trestman first then go from there.


GMoney said...

Stop it, you two! You can play fantasy GM tomorr-ee!

GMoney said...

And this just goes to show how awful Bo Pelini is to be around. He might as well have taken a job on the moon.

T. Iceman said...

Browns > Bears.

Prime touched on this but it needs to be repeated. If John Gruden is talking shit about your team...you know THEY BAD! Listening to Gruden melting down as every WR on Chicago committed false start penalties was fantastic shit.

Anonymous said...

If Harbaugh doesn't go to UM, they could possibly hire a worse coach than YSU did.


GMoney said...

LOL...ELITE point by not ELITE man