"Never take a black man's yellow thing!"
So the fantasy football season is officially over. Some of us kicked fucking ass (me), some of us lost more hair (Seal and Ide), some of us never updated the power rankings in the league we run even after being eliminated and some of us finished last with Andrew Luck (Cakes). So let's seal this bitch up hand out some awards to bring this shit full circle.
Biggest Bust - Shady McCoy
Honorable Mention - Calvin Johnson
This one was easy. As much as Ace likes to flap his cunt about McCoy being the "best back in football", Shady sure fucked a lot of people over this year by being anything but that. Now, Ace will most certainly point to McCoy being 3rd in rushing yards in the NFL in a sad attempt to prove his point but that's because he is stupid. In every single draft nationwide, McCoy was a first round pick and the first or second RB off the board. He finished out of the top 10 in RB points (including PPR leagues) and outside of the overall top 50. That sucks major pig dicks for a guy who was gone by pick 5.
Most Valuable Player - Demarco Murray
Honorable Mention - Le'Veon Bell
Holy shit! Demarco Murray played a full season AND played through a broken hand! Stock up on canned goods. The apocalypse is coming. Not only did Murray play every game but he was one of the few guys you absolutely knew was slamming it out of the park every week. The only downside is Jason Garrett apparently wants Spray Tan to die on the field. That's the only explanation I can come up with for giving Murray just under a billion touches per week. Get Murray while you can because this train will be derailing into an orphanage in less than 2 years.
Money Sleeper - Jeremy Hill
Honorable Mention - Emmanuel Sanders
Hill is a fat little pig that runs his mouth a lot but he sure backed it up on the field. Hill was named a sleeper on almost every fantasy website this year despite hilarious reports out of Cincy that Gio Bernard could, and would be, a bell cow back. No sane person believed Bernard could be that guy. Probably because Gio Bernard is an enormous pussy and everyone knows it besides Marvin Lewis. Plus Gio takes it in the butt from Cris Carter. That backfield has officially flipped for next year, IMO. It's the only way Bernard is playing a full season without a twat pull.
Best Waiver Move - Odell Beckham Jr.
Honorable Mention - CJ Anderson
If you were smart enough to grab Beckham (and keep him) you at least made the playoffs and probably made a push for a title. If you didn't you were probably starting Blake Bortles at QB all year and if that's the case then burn your money next year and fuck yourself with the ashes. Beckham made the Giants watchable and Eli Manning way less derpy...which is very hard to do. No chance Beckham lasts past the first two rounds next year unless you're in a league with all women.
Guy who will go way too early next year because of this year. Or, the Zac Stacy award - Justin Forsett
Honorable Mention - Tre Mason
Let me say this first. Forsett seems like an alright guy. Doesn't act like a fucking cock on the field, probably works hard, seems like he's super polite...especially to the elderly. But FUCK THIS DUDE. A 29 year old career change of pace back has no business ripping off a season like that. Especially against me. Just watch...there will be some block head that Sankey's this guy in an auction next year or takes Forsett in the 2nd or 3rd round in a re-draft. That person will be finishing in dead last. And his name will be Cakes.
Drippiest Pussy - Montee Ball
Honorable Mention - A.J. Green
Not only could Ball not stay on the field this year but he also lost his starting role to CJ Anderson in the process. That's some splendid double dong action. Then factor in that pretty much every league drafted Ball in the first 3 rounds and you have fantasy turd soup. Extra corn.
Biggest Fuck Over Job - Adrian Peterson
Honorable Mention - Peyton Manning (week 14 and 17) and Andrew Luck (week 16)
This could be the fuck job of the decade. I wanted to give it to the QBs that completely playoff dicked the owners who rode them hard all year because that was just hilarious. But Peterson MMA'ing his 4 year old over leaving Legos on the carpet was way more severe. Losing your first round pick after week one is a hole almost no one can climb out of. Unless it's a Dut and a dude butthole. He can climb his way out of any man's butthole.
Best Comeback Season - Arian Foster
Honorable Mention - Randall Cobb
Foster sat out a couple games because his hamstrings will always be made out of spaghetti and AIDS but you can't bitch about a top 5 RB finish from a guy who most people wrote off in the preseason. G$ spearheaded that group. Personally, I don't know if I would fantasy roulette it with Foster next year but I wouldn't blame you if you did. He's definitely back in the RB1 discussion.
Worst prediction made by G$ - Doug Martin's return to fantasy glory
Honorable Mention - Labeling Gronk and Lynch OVERRATED
"He was insane as a rookie and then got beat up early and often last season. But he is back now and you should be perfectly fine making him your RB1."
If you followed this bunghole's advice on Martin then you were probably eliminated from the playoffs by week 4. Martin sucks. The Bucs QBs suck. The line sucks. That whole fucking team sucks. Time to officially sew the scarlet B on Martin's jersey and call him what he is. Bust.
There it is. Another fantasy season in the books. I TOTES nailed those awards, IMO. I think the lesson here is clear. Never draft a guy whose last name is a synonym for testicles, don't beat your kids like a home invader, Shady McCoy sucks and never listen to G$. Follow these simple tips and you're sure to do as good as I did in fantasy football this year. FUCK YOU CAKES AND ROLL DAMN PHYLLIS!