Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Fantasy Football Year In Review


"Never take a black man's yellow thing!"



So the fantasy football season is officially over.  Some of us kicked fucking ass (me), some of us lost more hair (Seal and Ide), some of us never updated the power rankings in the league we run even after being eliminated and some of us finished last with Andrew Luck (Cakes).  So let's seal this bitch up hand out some awards to bring this shit full circle.

Biggest Bust - Shady McCoy
Honorable Mention - Calvin Johnson

This one was easy.  As much as Ace likes to flap his cunt about McCoy being the "best back in football", Shady sure fucked a lot of people over this year by being anything but that.  Now, Ace will most certainly point to McCoy being 3rd in rushing yards in the NFL in a sad attempt to prove his point but that's because he is stupid.  In every single draft nationwide, McCoy was a first round pick and the first or second RB off the board.  He finished out of the top 10 in RB points (including PPR leagues) and outside of the overall top 50.  That sucks major pig dicks for a guy who was gone by pick 5.

Most Valuable Player - Demarco Murray
Honorable Mention - Le'Veon Bell

Holy shit!  Demarco Murray played a full season AND played through a broken hand!  Stock up on canned goods.  The apocalypse is coming.  Not only did Murray play every game but he was one of the few guys you absolutely knew was slamming it out of the park every week.  The only downside is Jason Garrett apparently wants Spray Tan to die on the field.  That's the only explanation I can come up with for giving Murray just under a billion touches per week.  Get Murray while you can because this train will be derailing into an orphanage in less than 2 years.

Money Sleeper - Jeremy Hill
Honorable Mention - Emmanuel Sanders

Hill is a fat little pig that runs his mouth a lot but he sure backed it up on the field.  Hill was named a sleeper on almost every fantasy website this year despite hilarious reports out of Cincy that Gio Bernard could, and would be, a bell cow back.  No sane person believed Bernard could be that guy.  Probably because Gio Bernard is an enormous pussy and everyone knows it besides Marvin Lewis.  Plus Gio takes it in the butt from Cris Carter.  That backfield has officially flipped for next year, IMO.  It's the only way Bernard is playing a full season without a twat pull.

Best Waiver Move - Odell Beckham Jr.
Honorable Mention - CJ Anderson

If you were smart enough to grab Beckham (and keep him) you at least made the playoffs and probably made a push for a title.  If you didn't you were probably starting Blake Bortles at QB all year and if that's the case then burn your money next year and fuck yourself with the ashes.  Beckham made the Giants watchable and Eli Manning way less derpy...which is very hard to do.  No chance Beckham lasts past the first two rounds next year unless you're in a league with all women.

Guy who will go way too early next year because of this year.  Or, the Zac Stacy award - Justin Forsett
Honorable Mention - Tre Mason

Let me say this first.  Forsett seems like an alright guy.  Doesn't act like a fucking cock on the field, probably works hard, seems like he's super polite...especially to the elderly.  But FUCK THIS DUDE.  A 29 year old career change of pace back has no business ripping off a season like that.  Especially against me.  Just watch...there will be some block head that Sankey's this guy in an auction next year or takes Forsett in the 2nd or 3rd round in a re-draft. That person will be finishing in dead last.  And his name will be Cakes.

Drippiest Pussy - Montee Ball
Honorable Mention - A.J. Green

Not only could Ball not stay on the field this year but he also lost his starting role to CJ Anderson in the process.  That's some splendid double dong action.  Then factor in that pretty much every league drafted Ball in the first 3 rounds and you have fantasy turd soup.  Extra corn.

Biggest Fuck Over Job - Adrian Peterson
Honorable Mention - Peyton Manning (week 14 and 17) and Andrew Luck (week 16)

This could be the fuck job of the decade.  I wanted to give it to the QBs that completely playoff dicked the owners who rode them hard all year because that was just hilarious.  But Peterson MMA'ing his 4 year old over leaving Legos on the carpet was way more severe.  Losing your first round pick after week one is a hole almost no one can climb out of.  Unless it's a Dut and a dude butthole.  He can climb his way out of any man's butthole.

Best Comeback Season - Arian Foster
Honorable Mention - Randall Cobb

Foster sat out a couple games because his hamstrings will always be made out of spaghetti and AIDS but you can't bitch about a top 5 RB finish from a guy who most people wrote off in the preseason.  G$ spearheaded that group.  Personally, I don't know if I would fantasy roulette it with Foster next year but I wouldn't blame you if you did.  He's definitely back in the RB1 discussion.

Worst prediction made by G$ - Doug Martin's return to fantasy glory
Honorable Mention - Labeling Gronk and Lynch OVERRATED

"He was insane as a rookie and then got beat up early and often last season.  But he is back now and you should be perfectly fine making him your RB1."

If you followed this bunghole's advice on Martin then you were probably eliminated from the playoffs by week 4.  Martin sucks.  The Bucs QBs suck.  The line sucks.  That whole fucking team sucks.  Time to officially sew the scarlet B on Martin's jersey and call him what he is.  Bust.

There it is.  Another fantasy season in the books.  I TOTES nailed those awards, IMO.  I think the lesson here is clear.  Never draft a guy whose last name is a synonym for testicles, don't beat your kids like a home invader, Shady McCoy sucks and never listen to G$.  Follow these simple tips and you're sure to do as good as I did in fantasy football this year.  FUCK YOU CAKES AND ROLL DAMN PHYLLIS!

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

Isn't the Tuesday writer a Michigan fan/college football topic writer? Why is the topic fantasy football awards instead of Harbaugh?

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

HARBAUGH! This should have been the easiest post in the world to write. Just copy paste Harbaugh 800 times. Done.

Shady was a disappointment this year, no denying that. Still think he's the best rb in the nfl.

FUCKING HARBAUGH!

Jeff said...

Cole Stoudt! Thanks for not making me get drunker than I needed to on a Monday night.

Where will Harbrah put all his Super Bowl and national championship trophies? Probably next to Bo's.

GMoney said...

LOL...yeah I may have whiffed on a few those. Wait a minute--now I remember--my internet was hacked on those days. I don't see you talking about my ELITE predictions though.

Iceman and I discussed this on Sunday and he went in this direction. I plan on Pulitzer prize writing about all things college football tomorrow. "Relax"--gay QB

In my OTHER LEAGUE, we are allowed 2 keepers for the same price as the year before. All along, I figured it would be Moron Gordon for 9 and Carlos Hyde for 9. But goddamn Jeremy Hill for $2 is looking bonerific. So barring injury, keeping Gordon and Hill for 11 bucks seems like a good way to not finish second to last again.

Iceman, did you win any of your leagues this year since your hobby is "domination"?

Anonymous said...

Look what Prime did because of the Bears season...silly Bears fan....
https://m.imgur.com/a/fz0tD

--Drew

GMoney said...

Thanks for that, Drew. How about a WARNING-LINK CONTAINS MAN ASSHOLE?

Anonymous said...

Sorry....I just figured that if it involved Prime and the Bears....you'd realize that it would be pictures of him shoving a cheese stick up his butt with a little Aaron Rodgers drawing next to it. My bad.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

That was not me because I'm not dumb and I never make bets involving my asshole.

I agree with the fantasy awards but I also agree that everyone is champing at the bit for some Harbaugh talk! I haven't seen Iceman react to this YUUGE news on social media. It feels like liking Michigan, the Browns, and the Pistons has finally taken its toll on him.

GMoney said...

Prime, I think the reason for that is because I GUARANSHEEDED this on 9/10 so they have known this was a certainty for almost four months. I would re-post the link but I don't want you guys clicking on a link that shows me shoving hot truths up everyone's anus.

Still waiting for John Uterus Bacon to give me credit for the scoop.

GMoney said...

By the way, back to the post, I drafted Adrian Peterson on 3 of my 4 teams and all three of those teams missed the playoffs. Whiffing on your stud is a death sentence.

Anonymous said...

Read an article yesterday that the top two players on super bowl champion teams were 1) ODB and 2) Antonio Brown. I had both on my team in my OTHER league and won the Super Bowl. I also had Peyton - who was worthless down the stretch. But those two guys were huge. Won the super bowl in that league (JBeanie League) without drafting a RB until the 5th round. Outside of Murray and Bell, they were all hit or miss.

Seal

Prime99 said...

I got to the MSFL playoffs with my entire team being Rodgers and Forte. The rest my team sucked bad.

GMoney said...

Good point, Sealford. Running backs are such a crapshoot. You can put Foster and Lynch in that top tier though, too, and probably Charles.

In the G$FL where I finished third, my fourth round pick (and first RB) was Toby Gerhart. In week one, I started him and Woodhead. ELITE ELITE ELITE ELITE ELITE!

My theory on RBs: draft a ton of them and pray that two of them become decent. Ingram and for a while Hillman proved that to be true.

Prime99 said...

The rest of* my team. Grammar has been thrown off by the account I just retweeted about Rod Marinelli and the Bears. Phil Emery's firing stems back to his dumb hiring of Trestman but I didnt realize how it came to be. Fuck.

GMoney said...

Hey Drool, remember how you owe me a date night with the CBJ? How do you feel about 2/24 against the Buffalo Nicky SabreCakes? I haven't seen the hockey Bills yet and a Tuesday night should get us some prime (no offense to that homo Bears wonk) seats.

Jeff said...

I won my OTHER while taking shady 1 overall and having catler as my QB for most of the year, I'm ELITE. Sanchize won the Super Bowl for me though. Gronk was a beast down the stretch.

T. Iceman said...

There's always a plan going on behind the scenes here. You would know that if you were a staff member, Drew. But you're not so just stick to what you know best...posting redundant comments most people skim over.

As G$ said...this Pulitzer winning site broke the Harbaugh news months ago. Although fantastic and bonorific news, it's not new to me. Plus I'm the most level headed fan to ever fan so peppering social media just wouldn't be my style.

You guys may be onto something with this RB thing. I won a league with Joique Bell as my RB1 because I had Dez and Brown tearing butts every week. In the future, It may be wise to grab an ELITE quarterback, 3 stud WRs and then roll the dice in round 5 and 6 with RBs.

Anonymous said...

I think Jeff's comment is flying under the radar a little (Where will Harbrah put all his Super Bowl and national championship trophies? Probably next to Bo's)... Nice work dude - I thought it was fantastic.

Seal

Anonymous said...

I sure get a lot of replies for being a guy whose comments get skipped over. Stick to never being COY.

G$....That sounds like a delightful evening and date. I will take care of it.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Damn, Seal, I missed that. Solid work, Jeffrey. Blessed that you are a part of this commenting section.

LOL Joique (what's the story behind that name btw) was my RB1 in 2 leagues. Dude sucks but hopefully he runs for 300 yards Sunday.

10 days later, Drew and I are celebrating Valentine's Day. Love it!

GMoney said...

By the way, H8RZ, Big Ben led the NFL in passing this year. Just want to throw that out there #ELITE #HOF #GrayDick

Anonymous said...

Yep - thanks for that stat G$. He's also the leader is rape acquisations for active QB's. Dude's a real class act.

Seal

T. Iceman said...

I'm sure 2 bullshit 6 TD games didn't aid in that, G$.

Jeff said...

^^^
H8R

GMoney said...

Probably not considering he had 4952 yards passing (tied with Luck).

Ya'll just jealous because you've neer had a little gray dick in ya.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at a guy being a rapist not reason enough to HATE him. He's on your damn team and an alum of your school - you guys should hate him as well.

Seal

Anonymous said...

When you're losing to the Bucs, Browns, Jets and Saints those garbage time yards start to add up! BB was tied with Brees (not Luck) and he was poop. Shows how much that stat means.

J from JBeanie

Anonymous said...

Slow...the sole reason Grumps is a diehard Steelers fan is because of Ben. They will not turn on him.

--Drew

GMoney said...

On behalf of Ben, I apologize for him not being as good as Connor Shaw AKA Mrs. Seal. LOLZ!

You turds always want to degrade his career but he keeps proving you turds wrong, eh turds?

That said...GO RAVENS! GO BRAH! GO ELITE QB!

Anonymous said...

7 years at 5 mill a year........a far cry from what was "reported" as 6 yrs at 48 mill......

T. Iceman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
T. Iceman said...

Pretty great press conference, IMO. I think we can put to bed the notion that Michigan is a temporary move for HarBRAH. Sounded pretty permanent to me.

Anonymous said...

Until he leaves town due to never beating OSU.

Ide

Jeff said...

Ben Tate to the steelers, Super Bowl!

GMoney said...

That's better than Florio being stupid and saying that they should sign Ray Rice (or Lay Lice in Hines Ward speak)