"Ugggghhhh. Not Saban again.....take me to St. V's."
Well, we've finally made it. Everyone's last chance to show the playoff committee why they deserve to be in the four team playoff over Ohio. And hopefully the end of Larry fucking Culpepper and those God awful Dr. Pepper commercials that make me want to Cobain myself. G$ decided that Kosta Karageorge didn't have enough talent to overtake Cobaining. The math adds up. So...Let's talk champions.
Oklahoma vs. Oklahoma St.
I know this isn't a conference championship game but it needs to be repeated. Bob Stoops fucking sucks at coaching. I've heard Michigan fans on social media begging for Stoops in Ann Arbor. Anyone who wants that can eat shit covered dicks. More than one.
Kansas St. vs. Baylor
Good finish for the Bears. In the end...it meant absolutely shit. In other news, Bryce Petty is the fucking man. His quote when asked about who the Big 12 champion should be is an instant classic. "That's above my pay grade. All I'm not paid to do is play." Brilliant. I fucking like this guy. Something tells me the Big 12 will be getting a championship game very, very soon. Like next year.
Oregon vs. Arizona
Nothing says revenge like slapping the balls right off of a team that tried ruining your season a few weeks ago. This shit was never close and it shouldn't have been. Oregon is the superior team. Not that Mariota needed any Heisman invitation insurance but he showed the country exactly why he's on the top of everyone's list with that performance. Unless Mariota completely implodes in the playoff, he's going to be the first QB picked in the draft next year. Cakes begging for an Oregon loss on Twitter was equal parts pathetic and hilarious. Classic Cakes.
Alabama vs. Missouri
Not. Even. Close. Bud. Anyone who watches college football knew this one was going to be as ugly as Hope Solo's swollen roast beef vagina. Missouri wasn't even ranked 3 weeks ago and had been squirting by the Kentuckys and Tennessees of the world for most of the season. Alabama looks pretty nasty and is most likely the team to beat. Bear Bryant has to be lighting crosses in his grave knowing that a black QB could lead this team to a National Title this year. Can't wait to hear from Phyllis from Mulga if ROLL DAMN SABECAKES can finish it off. The "Cow Turd" over under is 8.5.
Ohio vs. Wisconsin
Gus Johnson trying to out-Gus himself is officially out of hand. I thought his fucking heart and balls were going to simultaneously explode on that first CARRRRDAAAAALE Jones TD. That's how Gus says it so he can prove how black he is. And Gus just kept getting worse and worse as Ohio started to blow the doors off a really unprepared Wisconsin team. I was surprised at Cardale Jones and how good he looked. The big knock on him was he could throw it through a brick wall but not accurately but that wasn't the case Saturday. Kid looked solid. It also helped that Wisconsin's defense looked like two 80 year olds fucking in cement. Seriously. They looked slow as fuck. I actually turned this off at half time since Wisconsin had zero shot pretty much from the end of the first quarter. Nothing left to do after that but wait for Drew's cunty Tweet at me since his loser life revolves around sending sexually charged Tweets in my direction after Ohio wins.
Florida State vs. Georgia Tech
Can Jameis pull one more out of his ass? He sure can! I'll be honest...I don't watch a lot of Georgia Tech football. It just doesn't move my needle. But I did watch most of the game Saturday and that offense is fucking kooky. It has to drive the camera man absolutely mad trying to follow that shit. It has to be even more annoying for the defense. Just tackling fucking ghosts. Two things: How does triple option oriented GT not have one damn running back in the NFL? And how in thee fuck did Demaryius Thomas become a first round pick playing in that offense?
So by the time this goes to print we'll already have our playoff locked in. But I'll put in a TAEK anyway. I think it goes 1. ROLL DAMN PHYLLIS 2. Oregon 3. TCU 4. Florida State. And yes...Ohio made a case to get in by rolling what looked like Wisconsin's 4th string defense...but I don't think TCU can be bumped out after destroying Iowa St. I wouldn't be totally surprised if Ohio finds a way to grease themselves into the playoff but I honestly think TCU should stay in. Their only loss is to a top 10 team by 3 on the road and they beat 2 ranked teams. Also, how do you penalize a team that just won by 52? Doesn't seem right.
Welp. Ohio did it. For a fan base that constantly whines about being treated unfairly, the committee sure did you guys a solid. And that's not saying Ohio should not have been in the discussion. They absolutely deserved to be, for sure. Beating Wisconsin in that fashion with a 3rd string QB is incredibly impressive. But TCU's resume is, AT WORST, as good as Ohio's. So how do they drop 3 spots in the playoff after winning by 52 in their final game? It makes no sense to me. I just can't believe the committee puts that much stock into a conference championship game like some are saying. This smells money motivated to me as there are OBVZ way more Ohio fans coast to coast. It just feels like TCU was always just a place holder for a team that was going to make the NCAA more money during this playoff.
So. Here it is guys! Here is your chance to finally prove you're just as good as anyone in the SEC...you know, shit you guys have been mindlessly barking about for years. You guys wanted Alabama well now you have them. URBZ can feel his heart failing again just at the thought of going against the guy who knocked him out of football. Should be fun to watch. But....get Notre Dame'd and we reserve the right to not take you seriously for the rest of eternity. Drew, you're up with a 9 paragraph comment that has a bunch of LOLs and LULZes in it with an occasional LMBO and you so dumb fo reals tossed in. CAN'T WAIT! That's all I've got. It just feels right to end today with a FUCK YOU CAKES.