Thursday, December 04, 2014

Ask Me Anything: All the #IdeLies You Could Ever Want

I assume Ide loves this.
I imagine this is the moment you have all been waiting for. No, it's not a Drew vs. Seal death match(YET!), but an unfiltered trip into the mind of a our most deranged and some how sought after commenter, Ide. We had a two day marathon of me just throwing random questions at him. He was game and I greatly appreciate that. So lets dig into his gay, hipster, totally false lifestyle.

ACE: Who is your favorite commenter?

IDE: Drew or Nibbles. Mainly because they post early enough to spur most of the conversation. It'd be Nibbles if he posted more. Also, I'd imagine me saying that would piss off his wife.

ACE: Who is your least favorite commenter? Obvs and why?

IDE: Dut or LS. I wanted to pick on Iceman but that's like laughing at the retar....kid with Asbergers. Those fagsackles (autocorrect, but I'm allowing it) blame technology (moron) or running for office (naivety to think anyone cares about this blog, including the commenters). LS wins out probably because there is ALREADY enough to blackmail him with that stopping is dubious.

ACE: Fuck, Marry, Kill 3 contributors; G$, Iceman, and Ace.

IDE: Fuck G$. He has soft features, an inability to grow ELITE facial hair, and would me fun to treat badly. Marry Ace. Just for the dogs. I'd likely ignore him. Kill Iceman. Or just move him to fucking Florida. Is there a difference?

ACE: Which hipster cliche that gets thrown at your do you hate the most?

IDE: I'd say coffee shop solely because I hate coffee and never go to them. I'm fully cognizant of my music hipsterdom, however, I don't have a car so I literally NEVER listen to the radio. I only hear what I find on spotify. So I have no idea who Iggy Azalea or Ariana Grande is. Though, I am aware that they exist.

ACE: What should Cakes name his kid? What will Cakes name his kid?

IDE: Is Cakes having a girl? I assume he is. He will be living in BG for the forseeable future, so he's best off naming her Pat or Chris or Jo. Any name that can be shortened to a butchish nickname. He will likely go with Lilian or Rose. Or Cardale. I swear to God that if they interchange a Y for an I, I will make fun of them. THIS GOES FOR ALL BABY NAMING. Stop trying to spell your kids normal name funny. It doesn't make them special, it makes you stupid.

ACE: When did you start following the blog?

IDE: Sometime in 2010. There was great fanfare around my original comments. G$ used to have me write guest posts. That was quaint.

ACE: Do you love or hate Seal?

IDE: I enjoy Seal. I rarely rag on him, Drew does it enough, but he is TURRIBLE at spurring college basketball discussions. I try to bring it up once a week, and he usually stays mum. Fuck UK.

ACE: If you had to make a bridal party our of commenters, who would make it?

IDE: Nibbles because he is a slumlord. He would throw a party paid for by Honey Boo Boo. G$, solely because I'd like to see him spend his daughters college fund. Damman, because then he'd get prime attention from Tonya in the crowd (I imagine her as a +1 (useful way to think of her imo)).

ACE: How many people have touched your butt hole?

IDE: Zero. I hurt my back 3-4 weeks back and went to the doctor. He asked if I wanted a prostate exam. I said no. A girl broached the subject once. The answer was a no, and I was uncomfortable. Who asks that on the first night? Trash.

ACE: What's your favorite app on your phone, other than Grindr?

IDE: 7. Spotify. But, again, no radio. I will go with the 2048 game for subway rides and Timbre which shows all the live concerts in the city. Fun Fact: Total Recall isn't on there.

ACE: Are you a wipe front to back or wipe back to front ass wiper? I prefer the back to front method. Many people seem disgusted by this and think I wipe shit on my balls. Those people are dumb.

IDE: Back to front. I just don't get the mechanics of front to back. I like to swipe THROUGH THE balls. Baby wipes for the finishing touch (can't stress that enough).

ACE: What is the first thing you do when you get home from work?(OTHER THAN FINISH YOUR SOY LATTE) I almost always immediately take my pants off.

IDE:  If I don't have groceries for dinner to drop off to the kitchen, I take my pants right off. Usually just outside the door swinging radius until I take them to the cleaners.

ACE: What is your go-to porn site?

IDE: Jizzonline which is a better laid out youporn

ACE: On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being a flat out lie and 10 being absolute gospel, hot truthy are #IdeLies stories?

IDE: Likely an 8. Some parts are likely exaggerated due to drunk memories or slight sensationalism. But, mostly spot on. The hilarious thing is when these things happen (and there are SO many more) I just laugh and tell myself no one will believe this. It gets to a point where I don't even bother.

ACE: Why aren't you a fucking movie star/extra yet? (Note: Apparently Ide read this as, "Why aren't you fucking a movie star yet" because....#IdeLies).

IDE: Does a girl that played a murdered ex girlfriend in a Discovery channel movie of the week count? That Pennsatucky girl from Orange is the New Black tried making out with me once. It was....weird. I also think Cuba Gooding Jr. hit on me. My friend informed me this was true. It was a very long hand shake. If I were more drunk at the time I actually would have hilariously tried and likely (definitely) failed hitting on Audrina from the hills. I did get her laughing at an off colored joke though. SHE COULD'VE BEEN MINE DAMMIT. I also white guy danced with Eve. The pitbull in a skirt. Her white fiancee thought it was hilarious. I hang out in Soho 2-3 times a week due to friends living there/ease of train access. I run into A LOT of celebrities.

ACE: Since your reading comprehension failed you, or you just wanted to drop a celeb humblebrag; Why aren't YOU a (fucking) movie star yet?

IDE: Oh, it does say that. I did this on my phone. Shit. You can edit this out, right? Cool, you're totally going to edit that out. I actually have no interest in being a movie star, or even acting. Even though that job seems super easy, fuck that noise.

ACE: What is the most awful thing you have ever done to another human being?

IDE: "This will take awhile"

ACE: "I figured"

IDE: When I was in high school we used to TP this kids house just to watch his dad flip out and chase us down in his underwear. Well one day we upped the ante and threw his pool chairs into the pool. He then responded by BEATING THE SHIT out of his son (our classmate) in while we watched. Like beyond AP. He was close fist hitting him.

A couple months later we did the same thing to our buddy who has admitted a past of child abuse by his father. The result was the same. Except instead of fists he took his belt (at 3am) and whipped the shit out of him on the front doorstep.

I felt really bad about the first kid. The second kid probably deserved it. Both dad's were Columbus City teachers with one being a principal. Both kids are currently teachers in the same area.

ACE: What's the most hilarious Buke/Burke story you can tell?

IDE: This one took a LONG TIME to narrow down, but two themes kept popping up so let's bullet point them.

• Burke kicking Parrish (black) out of the Stube with an added kick to the ribs.

• Burke throwing a mentally insane homeless person into the door (trying to throw him out) then dragging his body outside.

The music incidents. Burke was notorious for speaking loudly and inappropriately in between songs. These are some choice selections.

• "I hate black people." This was followed by Parrish (black) saving his ass from some unsavory blacks by shouting 'NIGGAS UNITE'.

• On his birthday he was blacked out. A man of great stature and copious girth, dressed like a lumberjack, sparks up a smoke. As the music dies, Burke takes it from his mouth while pointing him dead in the face and says, " You can't smoke that here" and stomps it out. The look on the Brawny man was priceless.

• Calling She 22(I assume this is She$) a cunt on G$FL draft day.

ACE: On a scale of Darren Wilson to Al Sharpton, how racist are you towards minorities?

IDE: Most of my in person hatred is directed towards the Punjabi cab drivers. Fuck them. I am pretty fearless about making fun of black people in public, however. They're all really cool with it, and thats ok by me.

ACE: Have you ever been assaulted by a minority because you're an ass hole?

IDE: Nope, shockingly. You aren't the first person to ask me that (/wave mom).

ACE: Who should be Commenter of the Year?

IDE: Commenter Daniel.

ACE: Reaction to no indictment in Eric Garner case...since it' your hood?

IDE: Oh shit, that happened? That was 2000 times more fucked up than Michael Brown. But, you hang around in Shaolin, living a full life is tough, according to GZA.

ACE: But seriously, the guy got choked to death for "allegedly" selling single cigarettes. Even as the resident racist, you can see how horribly fucked up this is and how black people don't exactly feel comfortable with authority. Especially when they aren't held accountable for excessive force.

IDE: # blacklivesmatter is the NYC slogan. I mentioned this yesterday, the media hyped Ferguson when there is much worse happening. This is one. Also last week where the kid got shot in the face in the projects by a rookie cop. Google that one.

ACE: (I assume this is a reference to the Cleveland incident with the kid and the airsoft gun. The video and audio from that incident is fucking appalling.)

ACE: I'm glad you brought up GZA, though. As a fellow music snob to a fellow music snob(Columbus radio is awful), what is your favorite rap album of 2014?

IDE: Run the Jewels and it isn't even close.

ACE: I really wanted to love RTJ, but I just couldn't. I really like Killer Mike and all of his Pledge albums...but El P just doesn't do it for me. But 2014 was pretty awful for rap albums. Pharoahe Monch-PTSD would probably be my choice.

IDE: That one was solid, and El p is a bit weak admittedly, but killer Mike kills it and the beats are just nasty. Solid gym/running music. And their concert last Sunday was dope.

ACE: (RTJ shows are supposedly #ELITE so I can't argue with that.)

ACE: Who is your favorite Wu Tang rapper?

IDE: Raekwon or Ghostface. Depends on the day, but those two are well beyond the others. Cappadonna is pretty great too but not the original.

ACE: (I am totes a Method Man guy, but I can't argue with those choices).

ACE: Last question, who would you like to be the next AMA?

IDE: Larry. And get his wife too.

ACE: Alright. Anything you want to add to the end of this?

IDE: Throw in a nice rack .gif

Done and done.

I'm sure Ide will be around for any other questions you have. Unless he's busy making washed up reality stars smile.


Anonymous said...

Well done gentlemen! I think Ide likes little boys though

Anonymous said...

Awesome post... Traveling today, be back later for a better comment reaction to this interview- but well done and much better than Dut's (shocker).


Anonymous said...

Very well done.

Ide...who is your current favorite pornstar?


Mr. Ace said...

What the fuck does Aurdrina from The Hills even do anymore? She has a sex tape, right? She has to have a sex tape.

Dut gay.

Larry, you're up. But only if your wife lets you.

Anonymous said...

The thought of the Larry family talking dogs and shots with Ape sounds great. Thanks me!

Drew, I'd say Dillion Harper, but I really don't scout them out anymore.


Prime99 said...

That's was a fantastic post. Agree with Seal that this trumps Dut's AMA by a lot.

Fun fact: Total Recall is a cover band.

Funner fact: I have two albums on Spotify under my Christian name.

I'm assuming Ide fucked Paul Pierce but left that detail out. Knifed PP with his cock.

GMoney said...

There is a lot to digest there. For as awful as Ide is to talk to and be around, you can't deny his love for being a straight shooter.

The only person that I've ever heard Burke call a cunt to her face is that bar whale Melinda and he did it pretty much every time he saw her because she deserved it. I miss that.

I will never grow tired of his celebrity tales. Those are the greatest "truths".

Well done, both of you.

GMoney said...

I've got a question:

Which New York team do you hate the most and show your work.

Mr. Ace said...

And since we're throwing love to Spotify today, they have a 3 month premium trial for $1 available right now.

Anonymous said...

Man, great question. I have to go with the Rangers. All other teams have fans that are super realistic. The Rangers are a lock to bring home the cup every year, according to every asshole that becomes a hockey fan sometime in May.

Nets are out because, I honestly don't know any. Some guy in my office building somewhere has season tickets courtside, but that's it. The clothes are everywhere though, because they are cool.

I love Knicks fans. They are a national treasure and bring me endless happiness. Never change, Knicks fans.

Hipsters are starting to cling to the Mets. Hate is rising on them.

Their football teams are a wash. Jets fans all hail from Jersey or Long Island (bridge and tunnel trash (also, the most offensive thing to call someone in NYC). Giants fans are appropriately excited or disappointed with their year. Nothing as feverish as we're all used to. They all hate Eli.

Yankees is a religion here. I will not speak ill of them.


Anonymous said...

Dillion is a great choice.

Do you think Ohio State will win on Saturday?

If Iceman took the ACT today....what do you think his score would be?


Nibbles said...

Next interview should be my wife. The only thing she hates more than Ide is this blog.

GMoney said...

WUT! She drunkenly complimented me on our work here at LS's wedding! What changed?

I would have guessed Knicks fans to be honest because they would appear to be the most delusional as an outsider but I could see the Rags having pure scum.

Anonymous said...

Kicks fans are the Browns fans of the NBA. Their parents remember the good times, but they don't. Oh man, the excitement for Phil Jackson, Melo staying, etc. After game one...."we're fucking shitty."

I do think OSU will win. Cardale is built like a freight train. A couple hard runs will calm the pass rush down. That defensive line of outs better be ready to play.

Iceman will walk out thinking he aced it, score in the low tens, then bitch about the wording.

She nibbles would be a real hoot to have around here. Tell her I said hey via the blog. That sentence should make for a fun dinner conversation.


GMoney said...

Does your uncle still run the porn store in Toledo? How was this question not asked?

Anonymous said...

Ide....out of the new Dad's Cakes. Who do you think will be the best and worst Dad in the bunch? Slow is OBVZ a lock for the craziest.


Anonymous said...

Jeff will be by far the worst father. Just look at the sports teams he cheers for. Biggest front runner of all. Kids will pick on his kid, and rightfully so.

Best new dad may be Lange, but that's a cheat, because he already has (probably) underachieved with his other ones.

My uncle does still own them. Oddly enough, I haven't heard about him in months. I should probably ask my mom how he's doing, since I hate going to Toledo.


Daniel said...

Two part question - how did you miss the LOLFL playoffs? And do you agree, as many are saying, the South siders are the best team in league history?

Anonymous said...

Ide, I knew you thought well of me. My question is what is the most expensive piece of clothing/outfit you have and why the hell would you spend that much money on them?


Anonymous said...

Daniel, no fucking clue. I put up sick numbers and lost awful games. I can't attest to how historically good your team is, because, as my name implies, That League Sucks. I do think you have a great philosophy of drafting whites. Tops in the league.

Lange, I was surprised Ace didn't bring that up. Most expensive is a suit from Brooks Brother for $1700 (jacket/pants). Most absurd is a pair of Alden shoes I got for $550. I also own 23 cashmere sweaters. I deserve to be made fun of for this.


Nibbles said...

I don't agree with SheNibbles on much, but I will say you are the worst.

GMoney said...

Mike Riley to Nebraska? Is this an upgrade? Nothing like replacing an asshole psychopath with Ned Flanders.

Jeff said...

Greatest father of all time!

Front runner? You obvz became an As fan after they won the series in '89.

GMoney said...

Back to Dillion is her name pronounced? Is it like Dylan or Million with a D? Either way, that is stupid. I guess as long as she keeps taking loads, I shouldn't complain. IMO she is not a top tenner in 2014.

Anonymous said...

Jeff, As fan in 87. I went with them solely based on the fact that my favorite color was green. 89 Was cool, but I remember HATING the Reds in 90. Fuck them.

Nibbles, sometimes you have to be Tom Haverford and treat yo'self. Best shoes ever. Sell Mrs. Wards other kidney and get some!