Wednesday, November 26, 2014

They Call It THE GAYME

YOU PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING STUPID
Here we go again.  This game has so little juice behind it this year that I didn't even ask Ohio and Michigan fan to contribute to today's post in which they spew hate all over each others genitals.  Literally, no one outside of Fuckeye Nation gives a shit about this "rivalry" anymore.  It's as dead as Korey Stringer, bruh.  Blame whoever you want to for that but a FACT is a FACT.  And can we stop playing this game at noon.  Fuck tradition...everyone spends the entire season in agreement that noon games are JV.  There is almost no reason to turn a Saturday football game on until 3:30 at the earliest.  But I digress.

So in lieu of focused hate, I figured that I would provide equal opportunity hate.  Why hate one when you can loathe all?  I'm not even going to focus on the teams themselves because who cares.  Let's talk about the fans.

OHIO - I don't even know where to begin.  I thought that Dawg nailed it a few weeks back when he called you the most overly-sensitive fans in the world.  That's a perfect way to describe you.  You're the kind of people who yell at the TV.  Not at the games themselves (well, that too) but at the analysts and studio heads and remember how you want to watch Kirk Herbstreit die because he does his job instead of blowing his alma mater?  You hate Desmond Howard because he hardly ever says anything negative about Michigan but you demand that Herbie do the exact same thing.  Does not go both ways.  Anyway, it is because of you and how dumb you are that Mark May has a career still.  Considering that you aren't smart enough to understand such an obvious troll job, I'm going to guess that this is news to you.

Does any other fanbase love to ruin internet memes quicker than this one?  How about some pointless statistics (JT Barrett has sniffed and licked 43 of his teammate's jocks this season while Michigan's entire team has only done it 38 times!)?  WE GOT YOU COVERED ONE MILLION FOLD!  And let's address the Big Ohio-sized Pat Fenis in the room...that being "Ohio".  The soon-to-be free agent coach just absolutely killed it on this one.  It's a damn shame that his coaching record couldn't match his troll genius.  Was it middle school level chicanery?  Of course!  But anything that can still bother people four years later despite pathetic denials is ELITE.  And what was their response to get you back?  Calling you The Team Up North which is not even remotely an insult.  Not saying your name because apparently if you say Michigan three times it will summon Beetlejuice from the netherworld and humanity will die.  And then you spend a ridiculous amount of time and energy removing the letter M from campus this week.  THIS.  IS.  SO.  DUMB.  These are kindergarten-level "pranks" or whatever that only showcase how petty and unoriginal you are.  Removing the UM from "OHIO STADIUM" (there's that word Ohio again)?  Congrats, now you play inside a Waffle House where half the letters in the sign are burned out.  Hey Dan, did you have fun at THE GAME?  BEST DAMN STADI I'VE EVER BEEN TO!

Also, your biggest and most well known fan is the black cowboy and he is the worst human being on the planet.  And marching bands are for fucking losers.

YOU OFF - Jesus fucking Christ, have some pride.  Yes, I get it.  You are strug-gah-ling (Joe Namath voice) but you're goddamn MICHIGAN.  That name may not mean a hill of beans now (but this is OUR hill and these are OUR beans!) but it still carries a sense of integrity and pride.  I know that you are tired of talking about history but that IS WHO YOU ARE.  Would you rather talk about the criminal records of your players?  This isn't easy.  But it is the horrendous seasons like this that you suffer through that will make the rebound that much better.  If being a fan was supposed to be easy then you would strap on the scarlet and red like JSaul and do a goddamn O-H chant on Champions Lane. 

I'm always told that you can throw the records out in this rivalry.  OK, prove it.  Anything can happen.  Jalin Marshall is capable of fumbling every time he touches the ball (probably due to too much Soul Glo on his hands).  You still have a really good defense.  Gardner proved last year that he can dig deep and come up with an ELITE performance.  Don't give up.  Quit feeling sorry for yourselves.  You have a chance to actually make this season a SUCCESS by winning on Saturday.  Sure, getting a Motor City Bowl invite is hilarious, but it's better than not going anywhere at all.  Trust me, the team could use the extra practice time.  Plus, it is a chance to RUIN Ohio's season and isn't that all that really matters.

No one feels sorry for you.  Why?  Because this shit is cyclical.  There will come a time when you get back on top and are annoying as well and nobody wants that.  But if you are going to bail when the shit gets tough then nobody will listen to your lunatic ravings regarding your greatness when it comes full circle.  Don't be fair weather fans.  Show some motherfucking pride and shock the world, you fucking crybaby losers.

Whew, that felt good...DAMN GOOD.  Those are some of the strongest takes this site has seen in a coon's age.  As for my prediction, Ohio is a three touchdown favorite and the only question is whether or not they cover.  I'd give Michigan about a 2% chance of winning outright.  However, they really dropped the ball by not announcing that Hoke was gone this week.  They really should have said that this was his last game just to give the team a chance.  It worked once when Lloyd Carr "retired" and then he killed Urban Meyer and the Tens in the Gaping Anus Bowl.  There is no reason to think that it couldn't happen again.  Had they done that, I would have put their odds of winning at about 15%.  Firing a bro ALWAYS helps motivate those that contributed to his firing.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (10-6!): Northern Illinois +7 @ Western Michigan...two of my favorite ATS teams this year doing battle on Friday morning for the West crown.  That number is too high.  WMU is young, dumb, and full of cum but the Huskies have enough veteran moxie to make this a field goal game.

Saturday also marks Damman's last time out in Columbus before moving back to Walt Behrman's sex dungeon.  So if you have a chance to wish him well and buy G$ a beer or shot, I'm sure that he would appreciate both very much.  BOTH TEAMS LOSE PLEASE.

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

A tradition unlike any other....G$ just showing how bitter he is that he doesn't really get to participate in this rivalry.

They didn't take the "UM" off of the stadium you dolt....and OSU has been using some form of "TSUN" or "TTUN" since Woody....which is something I do not participate in.

Now that I got those comments out of the way....is indeed here....the most important/fun week of the year. One fanbase is losers for the next year 365 days. While this rivalry has become completely lopsided...we have entered this game 11-0 the last two years and won by 5 and 1 points.....so, yeah.....nothing is for sure. I think the 20pt spread is pretty ridiculous due to that, but I guess I see where they are coming from. I've watched some Michigan player interviews this week and they just don't seem to have the energy. They know their coach is gone...season is over etc. While the OSU guys seem excited as all hell. If we turn the ball over at the rate that we have, then this is gonna be a nail-biter. But, I think we're up roughly 14 at half adn then tack on a little more and get conservative in the 4th...probably give up a shitty TD there.

THE Ohio State University 33
Michigan 17

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Oh...and moving from Columbus to I'm guessing Napoleon sounds like a terrible life choice.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Putting distance (physically and metaphorically) between himself and G$, Dut, Drew and Ace is a solid life choice.

Anonymous said...

While the rivalry is still great, it hurts me to say that it has taken a step back in recent years because of Michigan being so terrible and their fans accepting it. I remember the days from the early 90's through 2006, that I would have trouble sleeping during the week leading up to the game. Now, not so much. I realize that all it would take is one Michigan win (Against a legit OSU team, I don't count 2011) and my blood would get boiling once again regarding the rivalry. But now it's like beating up a special needs child. Not a lot of thrill leading up to that. Come Saturday morning I will still be very excited for the game, but the lead up has taken a hit over the years for me.

The Stube will indeed be rocking on Saturday.

The Naptown move is ELITE. I'm now in the same town with JRupe, Fagnasty and Rick's Sports Bar. Hard to beat that triumverate.

-Damman

GMoney said...

If they didn't take the UM off of the stadium then just chalk it up to another awful and unfunny photoshop/meme. Makes perfect sense.

Yesterday might be near the top for worst sports days ever for me. If I wasn't already totally numb to being embarrassed by my favorite teams all the time, I could have been suicidal. Fortunately, I am used to never winning.

Anonymous said...

The excitement has certainly worn down over the years, which is a shame. We all laugh at how terrible UM is, and it is hilarious, but I miss the days when it was 1 vs 2. I had every intention of coming into town this weekend, yet I still haven't brought myself to buy the ticket.

Also, saying Ohio is as retarded as TTUN, scUM, _ichigan, etc. It's fun that Cakes gnashes his teeth at it, but it's sad that 5 people continue to high five themselves over omitting the word State, like they unlocked the greatest troll secret of all time. You finally cracked the code on how to make one guy in BG pissed. You must be thrilled with your life decisions to mark that as such a huge victory.

Ide

GMoney said...

but I miss the days when it was 1 vs 2. I had every intention of coming into town this weekend, yet I still haven't brought myself to buy the ticket.

That's happened once and will never happen again.

Please don't. We're good here. Stay home.

GMoney said...

Think about it this way: if I all of a sudden just started calling Drew "Andy" (or even worse Andrew) for the rest of our lives, he would not like me very much at all, would he? Why? Because that isn't his name and I would just be being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole. It's like how Raffi calls Kevin "Brian" on The League but intentional.

Calling someone by the wrong name is hilarious and brilliant. And yes, it bothers people. Maybe not you because you are a douche bag but the majority hate it.

Great analogy, G$. You have earned your Colt McCoy.

Anonymous said...

That's half true. While calling someone else by another name is funny, you aren't calling Ohio State by another name, you are calling it by a shortened version. Like calling Mary Kate just Mary. "Umm, ok" is the only response that I have ever had to it. Yet, watching a bunch of Walmart Wolverines, and some Oxford fag ham it up like they are totally clever is disheartening given the comedy level of this site.

Just to think I was likely to buy Dammans tab this week as well as the shitty father. I'll go to Lucky's.

Ide

Anonymous said...

My name isn't Andrew tho.

Why was last night such a bad sports night for you? Other than the Poo Jackets being poo.

Am I the only one with a prediction today?

--Drew

GMoney said...

The way that they have played the last decade or so, you Ohio fans should start calling them Eastern Michigan.

Anyway, I actually think that Florida has a legit shot on Saturday as the players rally around Muschamp's last game. UM not doing the same thing is foolish and a major red flag that they have given up.

GMoney said...

Thanks for asking Drool!

RedHawk Football blew a 21 point first half lead to lose to actual Ohio 24-21 on the last play of the game. RedHawk basketball lost to Chris Collins because they decided to stop scoring in the final 8 minutes. The Jackets have decided to tank and the fire sale is coming. And my NFL team has decided to start over. NOT GOOD. I was expecting the Yankees to trade for Nick Swisher at the rate my night was going. And can I include my repugnant diarrhea that has been ongoing all week? I feel like that should be included, too.

Anonymous said...

Big East had a HOT GAME last night with the Villanova Wildcats beating Michigan here in Brooklyn! As the local beat reporter and conference EXPERT, I can say that this game was hilarious. Michigan tried in the second half, but with Pinkston's block on Zak Irvings dunk to ice the game was all the lulz.

Ide

Jeff said...

Yes this rivalry has lost its luster. The spewing hate isn't there anymore. OSU fans expect to win, as they should, and UM fans just hope to be competitive and not get taken to the woodshed. The fan base upset after this game is OSU, if they lose. That is not a hated rivalry.

OSU 31
UM 14

Here's to hoping Clemson doesn't drop its 6th straight to souff Carolina.....

Jeff said...

*the only fan base upset

Anonymous said...

It's still a big week for Michigan fans....we just have to do it in private now. I feel like when I get together with the family and watch this game now, we have to lock the doors, close the shakes, and keep the volume down. Everyone just feels ashamed watching, we all know we shouldn't be, but we still cling to the tradition.

The rivalry now is like constantly getting turned down by a female - just because you stopped asking doesn't mean you wouldn't sprint at the first sign of interest. We desperately want to date you OSU, you just need to throw us a bone and fuck up just once to get that spark back.

Since we are in the Analogy game today G$, thought I'd take a stab.

Anyways - last years game was a real spirit killer in the sense of THE GAME - last year would have proved that records still don't matter in this rivalry and that any team can win. Well, we have been shunned of a quality win over OHIO for far too long to continue the heated dance of getting turned down.

So we wait in the shadows....lurking...waiting....hoping....maybe (glimpses of 1996 flashing back)....just maybe, we can compete on Saturday. Hoke is fired, the team knows this, they are playing for Hokes last game and they know that. I think they come out with an edge. I see this game going down much like the OSU Minny game this year. We will fight, this is the biggest game of this teams career. Next year will be a completely different scene.

In the end, the theatrics of a few hard fought quarters will turn into a slow bleed out. The crowd will take over as OSU slowly goes up 10, 17 points to put another nail in this coffin.

But, if Gardner can play like he did last year, and we pull this one off, its back on. You will hear for 365 days straight how one of the worst UM teams yanked the rug out.

Go Blue

- J Saul

Nibbles said...

At this point, the Michigan fanbase is mostly made up of guys that have no recourse other than pointing to the high academics and tout the school as being the "Harvard of the Midwest".

Even though none of them attended the school, and wouldn't have had a Snowball's chance in Dut's Mouth of qualifying.


After attending The Game last year in AA, the fans around me were ecstatic with by HOW LITTLE THEY LOST THE GAME.




Nibbles said...

Need some fantasy advice to beat G$ this week. Start Jonas Gray or Bishop Sankey?

Not sure I want to ditch my boy Sankey, especially considering Jonas can't be relied on to find his work boots on a Friday morning.

GMoney said...

Ouch, Nibs, those are two scary options no offense to John Cooper calling one on 4th down with Stanley Jackson for some reason.

T. Iceman said...

Saying Ohio OBVZ still bothers Ohio fans. Enough fans for it to still be great.

I haven't given up on Michigan football, G$. I still watch every game. Don't confuse being honest about what's happening on the field with giving up. If I made excuses for a bad football team and tried convincing the world we are better than what everyone sees on Saturday, I would be an Ohio Buckeye fan.

Having said that, I don't think it's close in the end. Michigan's defense may be able to slow down Ohio early but the offense is just too bad. Gardner has regressed and because of that Michigan can't sustain drives. The defense will be on the field 70% of the game. Eventually something has to give. It's probably a one score game at half but Ohio will win big. 34-17.

Anonymous said...

I pretty much agree with Iceman about how the game will go. Michigan will hang around for a quarter, maybe a half but the Bucks will wear them down in the second half. I'll go with 38-13.

G$, I'm not sure what Stanley Jackson option you are referring to. I assume you are referring to the Greg Frey option on 4th down against Michigan in '90 or '92. Although Stanley Jackson's contribution to losses to Michigan will always be remebered.

-Damman

GMoney said...

I want to say that it was maybe a bowl game against Tennessee or something where they had a 4th and short and ran the option that failed because they had never run it before. I could be wrong about that but that can't possibly be true.

GMoney said...

Nibbles spreading a rumor on FB that Dut got engaged is ELITE. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Uncle T is already shopping for bridesmaid dresses.

Prime99 said...

I do not care either team.

Raptor fist bump. http://i.imgur.com/GLifhn6.gif

Prime99 said...

Not even giving this gayme grammatical respek.

Mr. Ace said...

Michigan-12
Fuckeyes-38

This Michigan team is dead. I know people have been pointing to last year, but the difference between this year and last is enormous. I don't know think Michigan will score a TD. They refuse to stretch the field, Funchess gives absolutely no fucks, and I still don't think Gardner's ankle is healthy...so the designed runs won't be an option. Or at least they shouldn't be.

The only way Michigan hangs is if we can get a couple strip/sacks and turn them into TD's. I expect our secondary to get torched short and long, so Michigan's chances hinge entirely on the pressure Michigan can bring.

BRING ON HARBRAH, BRAH.

I hope to see you all at Club Rick's tonight. At midnight I plan to get an N-A-P-O-L-E-O-N chant going throughout all of club Rick's. Don't miss it.

T. Iceman said...

I'll be there. You'll be doing a Rumplemintz with me.

Anonymous said...

I expect um to come out fired up & score an early td off of a turnover. I also think that it will stay close early into the 2nd half, but Barrett will have a big 2nd half & earn his trip to new york w/ 4-5 total tds & 350+ total yards of offense.

The Game has lost a little luster w/ the near 15 year Buckeye dominance, but there have been A LOT of upsets by both teams & there is no such thing as a guaranteed win for either team. I won't ever forget the 90's during michigan week, but this team is playing really well right now & I see a final of something like Ohio State 42-michigan 20.

We will definitely miss brady hoke & hope our rivals fail again w/ their next coaching hire, but I expect them to be back to national prominence over the next 2-3 years & The Game will again be the most important game in the nation year after year...

Beat michigan!

Go Bucks!!

Burke