|YOU PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING STUPID|
So in lieu of focused hate, I figured that I would provide equal opportunity hate. Why hate one when you can loathe all? I'm not even going to focus on the teams themselves because who cares. Let's talk about the fans.
OHIO - I don't even know where to begin. I thought that Dawg nailed it a few weeks back when he called you the most overly-sensitive fans in the world. That's a perfect way to describe you. You're the kind of people who yell at the TV. Not at the games themselves (well, that too) but at the analysts and studio heads and remember how you want to watch Kirk Herbstreit die because he does his job instead of blowing his alma mater? You hate Desmond Howard because he hardly ever says anything negative about Michigan but you demand that Herbie do the exact same thing. Does not go both ways. Anyway, it is because of you and how dumb you are that Mark May has a career still. Considering that you aren't smart enough to understand such an obvious troll job, I'm going to guess that this is news to you.
Does any other fanbase love to ruin internet memes quicker than this one? How about some pointless statistics (JT Barrett has sniffed and licked 43 of his teammate's jocks this season while Michigan's entire team has only done it 38 times!)? WE GOT YOU COVERED ONE MILLION FOLD! And let's address the Big Ohio-sized Pat Fenis in the room...that being "Ohio". The soon-to-be free agent coach just absolutely killed it on this one. It's a damn shame that his coaching record couldn't match his troll genius. Was it middle school level chicanery? Of course! But anything that can still bother people four years later despite pathetic denials is ELITE. And what was their response to get you back? Calling you The Team Up North which is not even remotely an insult. Not saying your name because apparently if you say Michigan three times it will summon Beetlejuice from the netherworld and humanity will die. And then you spend a ridiculous amount of time and energy removing the letter M from campus this week. THIS. IS. SO. DUMB. These are kindergarten-level "pranks" or whatever that only showcase how petty and unoriginal you are. Removing the UM from "OHIO STADIUM" (there's that word Ohio again)? Congrats, now you play inside a Waffle House where half the letters in the sign are burned out. Hey Dan, did you have fun at THE GAME? BEST DAMN STADI I'VE EVER BEEN TO!
Also, your biggest and most well known fan is the black cowboy and he is the worst human being on the planet. And marching bands are for fucking losers.
YOU OFF - Jesus fucking Christ, have some pride. Yes, I get it. You are strug-gah-ling (Joe Namath voice) but you're goddamn MICHIGAN. That name may not mean a hill of beans now (but this is OUR hill and these are OUR beans!) but it still carries a sense of integrity and pride. I know that you are tired of talking about history but that IS WHO YOU ARE. Would you rather talk about the criminal records of your players? This isn't easy. But it is the horrendous seasons like this that you suffer through that will make the rebound that much better. If being a fan was supposed to be easy then you would strap on the scarlet and red like JSaul and do a goddamn O-H chant on Champions Lane.
I'm always told that you can throw the records out in this rivalry. OK, prove it. Anything can happen. Jalin Marshall is capable of fumbling every time he touches the ball (probably due to too much Soul Glo on his hands). You still have a really good defense. Gardner proved last year that he can dig deep and come up with an ELITE performance. Don't give up. Quit feeling sorry for yourselves. You have a chance to actually make this season a SUCCESS by winning on Saturday. Sure, getting a Motor City Bowl invite is hilarious, but it's better than not going anywhere at all. Trust me, the team could use the extra practice time. Plus, it is a chance to RUIN Ohio's season and isn't that all that really matters.
No one feels sorry for you. Why? Because this shit is cyclical. There will come a time when you get back on top and are annoying as well and nobody wants that. But if you are going to bail when the shit gets tough then nobody will listen to your lunatic ravings regarding your greatness when it comes full circle. Don't be fair weather fans. Show some motherfucking pride and shock the world, you fucking crybaby losers.
Whew, that felt good...DAMN GOOD. Those are some of the strongest takes this site has seen in a coon's age. As for my prediction, Ohio is a three touchdown favorite and the only question is whether or not they cover. I'd give Michigan about a 2% chance of winning outright. However, they really dropped the ball by not announcing that Hoke was gone this week. They really should have said that this was his last game just to give the team a chance. It worked once when Lloyd Carr "retired" and then he killed Urban Meyer and the Tens in the Gaping Anus Bowl. There is no reason to think that it couldn't happen again. Had they done that, I would have put their odds of winning at about 15%. Firing a bro ALWAYS helps motivate those that contributed to his firing.
MAC Glory Hole of the Week (10-6!): Northern Illinois +7 @ Western Michigan...two of my favorite ATS teams this year doing battle on Friday morning for the West crown. That number is too high. WMU is young, dumb, and full of cum but the Huskies have enough veteran moxie to make this a field goal game.
Saturday also marks Damman's last time out in Columbus before moving back to Walt Behrman's sex dungeon. So if you have a chance to wish him well and buy G$ a beer or shot, I'm sure that he would appreciate both very much. BOTH TEAMS LOSE PLEASE.