Monday, November 24, 2014

The Worst of Week Twelve Vol.VIII

Whatever.
Remember how we talked about dysfunctional shit-stack franchises on Friday which was headlined by the constant idiocy of the Washington Redskins?  Well, they topped themselves yesterday morning when someone within the organization let it leak that they were prepared to bench RG3 if he struggled again.  Name one other team that publicly announces an ultimatum...I'll wait.  That's because no one else does this.  Everyone is already well aware of what is on the line the rest of the season.  Continuing to run your business poorly is quite unnecessary.  Change the name.  Move the team to LA or London.  Bomb the stadium.  Do whatever it takes.  Now I have seen the light...the Washington Redskins are the most dysfunctional franchise ever.  Sorry that it took me so long to see the light.  I don't think that I've ever hated something that I love (other than She$ obvz) more than I do the 2014 Redskins.  FUCK.  THEM.

Yesterday's hangover - I got bombed beyond recognition in support of child abuse or something.  It was the first time that the wife and I had been out socially since the baby.  Man, it is fun to drink a lot.  It is NOT FUN to deal with the consequences.  Sorry toilet.

Jonas Gray - You idiot...Belichick just loves to wipe his dick all over flash in the pan guys.  Oh sure, you got your SI cover this week.  How's zero meaningful touches sound as a follow-up.  My guess is that Billy B has no sense of humor at all but he probably would have enjoyed a Jean-Paul Jean-Paul excuse for being late.  SEPARATE KNOB, WHY, SEPARATE KNOB!  And fuck LeGarrette Blount.  That piece of shit doesn't deserve anything but a prison cell.  The Lions didn't find the end zone for the second week in a row.  That should end A LOT on Thursday.

TY Hilton - Oh, thanks, jerk.  You scored a touchdown for your baby girl on the day that she was born.  Adorbs!  Well, fuck you, bruh.  Way to make the rest of us look like SHIT.  You know what I did for my baby girl on the day of her birth?  Called her by the dog's name twice.  I scored no touchdowns.  Hilton is an asshole.

Brian Hoyer - I know that a win is a win and I subscribe to that theory very frequently.  BUT, if Hoyer wasn't fucking abysmal all day against a god awful defense then there is no need for a last second drive.  Speaking of which...

Mike Smith - This guy is a horrible coach.  His play-calling in the two minute and weirdo usage of timeouts were THEE reason why Atlanta lost a game that the opposing QB was just dying for them to take.  Let's also not forget about Mike Pettine who equally does not understand the proper way to use timeouts.  This was not a game in which someone won.  No, this was a game where a team lost less.  Josh Gordon looked legit though.  Loved the Browns saying 20-30 plays as if everyone was fucktarded and would believe that.

Aaron Rodgers - Hey, the Pack look great but when Teddy Bridgewater's rotten ass has more passing yards than you do then you will be getting called out here for that.

PHI/TEN and HOU/CIN - Don't care.  All of these teams either suck FagNasty or are pretenders.

Lovie and McCown - Way to unleash some vengeance on the shitdicks that dumped you.  I think that Tampa turned the ball over again and Lovie did something classy.  I assume that Prime or Larry watched this poop.  Did Lovie lose a challenge like the old days?

Bruce Arians - Nothing worked at all and that was bound to happen and in the grand scheme of things, it isn't that big of a deal.  BUT, Arizona looked really shitty.

Keenan Allen - You could make a case that the second year receiver is the most disappointing player in 2014.  Sure, he scored yesterday but he also had two killer fumbles.  And the refs absolutely fist-fucked the Rams on that PR TD.  There wasn't anything close to a hold on that play.  Who care though because fuck the Rams.  I'm not going to be on Team Gregg Williams ever.

The Miami Dolphins - These guys aren't going to make the playoffs and it's a damn shame because IMO they are the third best team in the AFC.  They've lost a few killers this year but I truly believe that they would go into Indy and win a playoff game.  A valiant effort in Denver indeed and they probably would have won if they figured out that the Broncos only play is the Demaryius Thomas WR screen.

Colin Kaepernick - Yeah, the Redskins lost again and barely did anything but while the world is focused on the QB drama in DC, it might be time to stir some up in SF.  Kaep blows.  He isn't good, like, at all.  As far as the Skins go, I barely paid attention and it felt great to invest so little time in that team.

HOLY SHIT ODB! - I'm writing this up pretty much right when Beckham made the catch of the goddamn forever.  That dude is so sick.  Just a reminder that the Lions took a garbage TE over this stud (taking it easy on the Browns this week).

FANTASY! - Well, my OTHER LEAGUE is over and I have pretty much clinched last place for the second year in a row.  SWEET!  Burke and Burke alone eliminated me from LFL playoff consideration although it would have been tough anyway.  That's fine because my G$FL and MSFL teams rolled and one of those teams is going to win a title this year.  DEAL WITH IT.

We've got two Monday Night games tonight although I'm not sure if the BUF/NYJ game is televised nationally.  I hope it is because I want to watch Sammy Watkins PWN that disgusting secondary indoors.  The other game should be fun, too.  You know what isn't fun?  Baby germs.  They are the worst. Your baby is secretly trying to kill you at all times.  That is a FACT.  I was hungover, fighting baby lupus germs, and ran 3 miles in the rain anyway.  This was pretty much my Michael Jordan Flu Game moment.  FYI, we will be dark Thursday and Friday so no Ape this week.  YOU'RE WELCOME!

31 comments:

Grumpy said...

I love bye weeks. My psyche has time to heal.

Anonymous said...

That ODB catch was THE best catch I have ever seen. Hearing Colinsworth have an orgasm on the air was hilarious.

I'll start the Browns talk... I have been pro Hoyer all year, obviously saying the guy is winning us games and until he is not, he has to play. He almost single handidly lost us the game yesterday. We were better than them at nearly every position, but our poop QB tried to give them the win, and flush our playoffs hopes down the drain. Now do I know that there is a better option behind him? Absolutely not... I have to assume that is another Weeden/McCoy/Shitstain behind Hoyer (because that is what we draft). But when you have a solid team and your QB is the blatant reason you are losing (it is almost happening), you have to go to another option, right? A win is a win, and Hoer saved his job with that drive, but had we lost, there is so much talk of him being benched today.

Shanahan deserves some shit too, though. Run the fucking football, BRAH. Especially on first and goal from the 6 when Crowell led your team down the field.

Seal

GMoney said...

Smart takes, Seal, and I agree. That was the Kyle that I remember and hated. How about Atlanta though? 3rd and short with about a minute left = excellent time for a deep ball!

Mike Smith, after the game, said that he called that defensive timeout because if he didn't, the Browns would have. THIS WAS HIS RATIONALE! He beat them to the absurd timeout punch!

He should be fired today which would be great as it would allow yet another interim head coaching job to Terry Robiskie!

I know that it is being beaten to death, but this crop of rookie WRs this year is absolutely ELITE.

Anonymous said...

FEED THE CROW.

Fun fact: Ever since G$ became a (bad) father, he has been awful at fantasy football.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Where is Iceman? I demand him to argue with Seals friends on Facebook about the greatness of Hoyer.

The Redskins and Browns won me money yesterday. LOLZ G$

GMoney said...

Awful at fantasy football? I have the best teams in the G$FL and MSFL.

I got burned by a lot of cabbage TDs yesterday. Not fun.

Anonymous said...

I know Hoyer was clutch yesterday on the last drive, but the Browns won in spite of him. Benching him is not an option either because there is a complete unknown behind him. So we are stuck with for beter or worse. It could be a bumpy ride but we are 7-4 and I guess that's what most important, but yeah if the Browns would have lost yesterday there would be a shitstorm of Johnny talk today.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

I basically watched the 2nd quarter of The Lovie Bowl and couldn't take how shitty the Bears are. Sure they came back AND Forte led my MSFL team to victory over Ape, but they are unwatchable. Drooler's Lions should likely buttfuck the Bears on Thursday. It will not be fun.

I didn't see Lovie lose a challenge but his offense looked Lovier than ever.

GMoney said...

Jeff, what do you think about Panda and Hanley going to Boston? People are shitting all over this but I like it. Plus, now you can flip prospects into pitching. Granted, I'm rooting for it to backfire, but I think it makes a lot of sense and 5 years/around 100 mill for each isn't THAT bad considering how absurd MLB contracts are.

Anonymous said...

Mike Smiffs timeout was about as dumb as Pettine kicking that field goal to Hester.

Lions offense is awful.

Happy best week of the year to everyone.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Panda has weight issues. Give 5 years guaranteed and he will act like Chris Farley as a Gap girl. "LAY OFF ME, IM STARVING!"

Anonymous said...

TWICE, Drew... he kicked it TWICE.

Guy has made some incredibly questionable calls, but something is off with the world as they arent costing the Browns L's.

Seal

GMoney said...

By the way, Saturday night I complimented Nibbles wife on how much she hates Ide and OH Nate got cut off from the bar at a charity event but not before he spent a ton of money on a tour of NW Ohio wineries which seemed excessive. ELITE moves all around!

Jeff said...

I like it a lot. That lineup needed a major boost. They went the route of trying to play with "prospects" and it obvz didn't work. The only thing prospects were ever good for is flipping anyways in a sport that has no salary cap and your ownership is willing to pay for free agents.

GMoney said...

Exactly. Prospects are pointless unless your are poor. However, Hanley is a pussy and Panda is gigantic so, again, I'm rooting for disaster.

T. Iceman said...

Normally I'm the Browns wet blanket around here but I've had enough. Christ. Browns fans act like 7-4 at Thanksgiving is a fucking regularity. This is the only franchise where the starter has a winning record over the last 2 seasons and the knuckle dragging fans keep calling for the back up/someone else. Unreal.

Browns fans are so used to losing they don't know how to enjoy winning.

GMoney said...

But to be fair, Hoyer was God awful. He is the only option--those saying otherwise are dolts--but that bro is going to kill your season. His judgment cometh and that right soon (ELITE reference).

That game was just chock full o LULZ. I forgot to mention the play that piss-poor Matt Ryan avoided a K-uger sack but then just turned around and pretty much just ran back into his arms anyway. K-UGER! Sounds like one of those old time car horns!

Anonymous said...

I'm thrilled that the Browns are 7-4 and in the thick of the playoff race. But all I'm saying is that Hoyer has got to play better if they are going to make the playoffs. His last two weeks have been ATROCIOUS outside of the last minute yesterday. I'm deathly afraid that he is going to have one of these games in Week 16 or 17 that is going to cost us the playoffs. I'm not calling for Manziel because it makes no sense now, but Hoyer has to play better if the Browns are going to go anywhere.

Remember Derek Anderson's 4 pick game against the Bengals in 2007 towards the end of the season when everything was going great?

-Damman

Anonymous said...

I get that we are 7-4 and no one loves that more than me, but there is zero defense for Hoyer last night. He won a game he never should have lost. He did the right thing and admitted it aafterwards.

How about UK/OSU last night? Can we agree that if UK loses a game, any game, the season is a failure? Craft may be gone, but Scott is a stud at point. 16 assists is baller and if we get that kind of ball movement every game, we will be tough to beat this season.

No updates from the Big East. I expect Villanova won.

Ide

Anonymous said...

And yeah, Pettine deciding to kick that field goal again after seeing Cundiff being 10 yards short on the 1st try was pretty unbelievable. How does Joel Bitonio run down Devin Hester?

-Damman

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at if UK loses one game the season is a failure. They are good, but let's be real here. Especially when an NCAA title is the hardest title to win in sports (64 good teams, one and done structure). Twice now they have had as many blocks as their opponents had made baskets.

Somehow we are winning with a poor performing QB... Ice you cant say you are happy with how he has played the past two games. But ultimately winning is all that matters, and until he loses us a game (almost did it single handily yesterday), you can't make a move. He is in a tough situation... he is either going to be the hero or the shitheel - no way around it.

Seal

T. Iceman said...

I agree Hoyer hasn't looked great the past 3 weeks but let's understand what he's working with before anointing him Derek Anderson. Until yesterday Hoyer's receiving options were a tight end who has been concussed back to a 3rd grade reading level, a 30 year old with spaghetti noodle hamstrings, and two guys who weren't drafted. Even the best quarterbacks in the league would have off days with that group.

GMoney said...

ZOMBIE TIME!

Well that was certainly boring. When one of your main scenes is Glenn catching a fish with a dead man's windbreaker lining then you know you are all filler, no killer. Next week looks promising but last night was a slog. The lowlights:

*Way to nearly get Carol killed because you are a dumb box, Beth. Keep your fucking mouth shut about DVDs. Do you even know what DVDs he watches? What if it's porn? Out bounds IMO. And I have no idea why Dawn is all of a sudden BFFs with the broad that has been nothing but trouble since she arrived and helped Urkel escape.

*Father Gabriel is a terrible character and is going nuts as apparently NOW--18 months after this all started--he decides to go stir crazy.

*Can we please stop with the stealth zombies. We know that they don't sneak up on anyone.

*Good job by Michonne and Deputy Dipshit to just let the holy man go take a nap but ignore the sounds of that sleeping man ripping out floorboards. I'm sure that that made no sound at all inside of an echo chamber like a church. Awful scene.

*Abraham moved about four feet all episode. Those were bad scenes. BAD.

*I was hoping that Daryl would grab the head of the fried zombie and make it eat the cop trying to choke him. You know, the guy that was trying to kill Daryl who Daryl then said that they should keep alive for some strange reason.

*Lampson outsmarted Sasha because it wouldn't be TWD without idiots.

I think that that is all I have. Next week is the 2014 finale so hopefully it is better than last night which would be nearly impossible to be worse. TEAM GREATM!

Prime99 said...

Yeah, not the strongest episode. Boring and gives Ice a fuckload of holes to poke if he so chooses. Many characters doing dumb things. Never let a prisoner get behind you, Sasha! Black folks in horror movies, smh.

T. Iceman said...

The opening scene with Sasha hammering away at a church pew was pretty LULZ. She swung like 15 times and hardly made a dent.

Abraham's self imposed hunger/thirst strike for knocking out Eugene was great as well. No better way to punish yourself than slowly killing yourself by way of dehydration.

Hey! I have an idea! Let's catch these fish then clean them with the knives we've been using to brain these walkers with. I'm sure that's not totally unsafe or anything.

I don't remember a lot about Father Gabriel from the comic but I think he did try and make a break for it at one point for reasons I don't recall. But TOTES agree about pulling those floorboards unnoticed. He must have had the machete silencer. That's probably how he did it.

Speaking of silencers. I can't get over how fucking huge Rick's gun is with that hilarious silencer on it. It's almost cartoonish.

And then there's this:
Doctor purposely tells Beth to give patient wrong medicine. Medicine kills patient. Carol comes in on a stretcher. Beth asks SAME DOCTOR what medicine to give Carol in order to save her life. Doctore tells her. Beth gives Carol that medicine without even thinking twice. Beth is awfully trusting. And stupid.

GMoney said...

LOL Rick's gun. Thanks for bringing that up.

T. Iceman said...

Has anyone seen Marshawn Lynch's "yeah" interview? Fucking great stuff. The NFL is fining him for it too like a bunch of twats.

Prime99 said...

Yeah.

GMoney said...

Boy, this Dominic Raiola fella is a giant fucking penis, eh?

T. Iceman said...

Yeah.

Prime99 said...

Yeah.