Yesterday's hangover - I got bombed beyond recognition in support of child abuse or something. It was the first time that the wife and I had been out socially since the baby. Man, it is fun to drink a lot. It is NOT FUN to deal with the consequences. Sorry toilet.
Jonas Gray - You idiot...Belichick just loves to wipe his dick all over flash in the pan guys. Oh sure, you got your SI cover this week. How's zero meaningful touches sound as a follow-up. My guess is that Billy B has no sense of humor at all but he probably would have enjoyed a Jean-Paul Jean-Paul excuse for being late. SEPARATE KNOB, WHY, SEPARATE KNOB! And fuck LeGarrette Blount. That piece of shit doesn't deserve anything but a prison cell. The Lions didn't find the end zone for the second week in a row. That should end A LOT on Thursday.
TY Hilton - Oh, thanks, jerk. You scored a touchdown for your baby girl on the day that she was born. Adorbs! Well, fuck you, bruh. Way to make the rest of us look like SHIT. You know what I did for my baby girl on the day of her birth? Called her by the dog's name twice. I scored no touchdowns. Hilton is an asshole.
Brian Hoyer - I know that a win is a win and I subscribe to that theory very frequently. BUT, if Hoyer wasn't fucking abysmal all day against a god awful defense then there is no need for a last second drive. Speaking of which...
Mike Smith - This guy is a horrible coach. His play-calling in the two minute and weirdo usage of timeouts were THEE reason why Atlanta lost a game that the opposing QB was just dying for them to take. Let's also not forget about Mike Pettine who equally does not understand the proper way to use timeouts. This was not a game in which someone won. No, this was a game where a team lost less. Josh Gordon looked legit though. Loved the Browns saying 20-30 plays as if everyone was fucktarded and would believe that.
Aaron Rodgers - Hey, the Pack look great but when Teddy Bridgewater's rotten ass has more passing yards than you do then you will be getting called out here for that.
PHI/TEN and HOU/CIN - Don't care. All of these teams either suck FagNasty or are pretenders.
Lovie and McCown - Way to unleash some vengeance on the shitdicks that dumped you. I think that Tampa turned the ball over again and Lovie did something classy. I assume that Prime or Larry watched this poop. Did Lovie lose a challenge like the old days?
Bruce Arians - Nothing worked at all and that was bound to happen and in the grand scheme of things, it isn't that big of a deal. BUT, Arizona looked really shitty.
Keenan Allen - You could make a case that the second year receiver is the most disappointing player in 2014. Sure, he scored yesterday but he also had two killer fumbles. And the refs absolutely fist-fucked the Rams on that PR TD. There wasn't anything close to a hold on that play. Who care though because fuck the Rams. I'm not going to be on Team Gregg Williams ever.
The Miami Dolphins - These guys aren't going to make the playoffs and it's a damn shame because IMO they are the third best team in the AFC. They've lost a few killers this year but I truly believe that they would go into Indy and win a playoff game. A valiant effort in Denver indeed and they probably would have won if they figured out that the Broncos only play is the Demaryius Thomas WR screen.
Colin Kaepernick - Yeah, the Redskins lost again and barely did anything but while the world is focused on the QB drama in DC, it might be time to stir some up in SF. Kaep blows. He isn't good, like, at all. As far as the Skins go, I barely paid attention and it felt great to invest so little time in that team.
HOLY SHIT ODB! - I'm writing this up pretty much right when Beckham made the catch of the goddamn forever. That dude is so sick. Just a reminder that the Lions took a garbage TE over this stud (taking it easy on the Browns this week).
FANTASY! - Well, my OTHER LEAGUE is over and I have pretty much clinched last place for the second year in a row. SWEET! Burke and Burke alone eliminated me from LFL playoff consideration although it would have been tough anyway. That's fine because my G$FL and MSFL teams rolled and one of those teams is going to win a title this year. DEAL WITH IT.
We've got two Monday Night games tonight although I'm not sure if the BUF/NYJ game is televised nationally. I hope it is because I want to watch Sammy Watkins PWN that disgusting secondary indoors. The other game should be fun, too. You know what isn't fun? Baby germs. They are the worst. Your baby is secretly trying to kill you at all times. That is a FACT. I was hungover, fighting baby lupus germs, and ran 3 miles in the rain anyway. This was pretty much my Michael Jordan Flu Game moment. FYI, we will be dark Thursday and Friday so no Ape this week. YOU'RE WELCOME!