Monday, November 10, 2014

The Worst of Week Ten Vol.VIII

I'm sure that this place has failed every health inspection.
Not the best slate of NFL games this past weekend, which is great because I still can't get over the idea of "6-3 Cleveland Browns" as a thing that exists.  Even the most ardent doubter has to be impressed.  Outside of the gag in Jacksonville which can be entirely blamed on Iceman's presence, the Brown-eyes have been quite good all year.  I don't know how this will end for them as the final 7 games are much, MUCH tougher than the previous nine, but progress is being shown on the field and for once the team is not a weekly embarrassment.

That said, it's going to be interesting to see how the team handles the QB position this offseason.  They didn't draft Johnny Football to be a career clipboard holder.  Eventually, he is going to get his shot.  But Hoyer is a free agent in a few months and has already said that he wants to get paid AND be the starter.  That doesn't leave much wiggle room.  Browns fans probably assumed that this would all work itself out but it has not and in FACT has gotten muddier because Hoyer keeps winning.  I don't know what the right answer is here.  Hoyer isn't going to sign a two year deal and bridge Manziel to the starting role.  And how do you let the guy walk when he is the only winner in franchise history?  I don't know if there is a right answer here but I am quit certain that the Browns will choose the absolute wrongest option available.  Let's get into the football from a Redskins-free weekend:

Andy Dalton - Somehow that performance was only the 83rd worst in NFL history by a QB.  I demand a recount.

America's Team - Jesus Christ, Blue Jackets, 0-7-1 in your last 8 games?  I don't want to be tanking the rest of the season.  Wake the fuck up.

Bryce Brown - The Bills blew a double digit fourth quarter lead at home and it didn't help that this career underachiever fumbled out of the endzone.  By the way, the Chiefs are 6-3 and still haven't thrown a TD pass to a wide receiver.  That might be the most amazing stat of the season.

Jim Caldwell and Joe Philbin's sanity - Three fake punts attempted in this game!  This was a quality game and I think that both teams should make the playoffs.  The Lions had more field goal fiascos which was expected but it's nice to have Megatron back.

Not Shoelace - I can't believe that we live in a world where Denard fucking Robinson is a legitimately rock solid HB in the NFL.  This amazes me.

The Steelers - It's hard to take a team seriously with losses to Tampa and the fucking Jets on the resume.  This game was never close because Pittsburgh just slept through the game.  If Steelers fans had any shame left at all, they would be incredibly embarrassed.  Awesome to see loser ass Shaun Suisham missing easy kicks again.  Everyone wanted to buy Pittsburgh this past week but they're just another team that is great at home and blows on the road.  Congrats on being the AFC Saints.  By the way, the Browns are in first place--ALONE--after ten weeks.

Mike Mitchell - The former Ohio Bobcat gave Greg Schiano a giant two inch erection with his classless playing through the whistle in the final moments yesterday. Eat giant hog, douche, and take your LOSS TO THE JETS like the bitch that you are.

Corey White and Drew Brees - That's pretty much exactly how I envisioned a SF/NO game in 2014 with the team that won being the team that "lost less".  We all know that Crabtree can't be counted on to make a play late in a big game, but White leaving him 40 fathoms wide open (20,000 LEAGUES!) might be a little much.  And then Breesus turns it over like usual and booger-eating Dawson ends it.  I'll tell you what, after the OBVIOUS Jimmy Graham Hail Mary OPI, Jimmy BRAH launching his papers in the air was ELITE.  This drops the Saints to who gives a fuck because they are going to win the South with ease anyway.

Ray Farmer - We complimented the Browns quite a bit at the top and that just doesn't feel right so let's drop a little feces in the piss cocktail down here.  I just want to remind you guys that instead of drafting a project corner in the top ten, you could have had Odell Beckham Jr who looks AMAZING.  That kid is going to be a freaking stud.

Matt Hasselbeck - He was doing color commentary on Fox (LOL at a Hasselbeck working for Fox) and while he was fine, he sounds EXACTLY like Simmons. I kept waiting for some 90210 and/or Karate Kid references that never came.

The Giants Defense - What an awful team (that won in DC by 30+ 6 weeks ago LOL).  There is not a more one dimensional offense in the NFL now than Seattle and they still rolled for 333 yards.  Seriously, the Seahawks can't pass the ball.  Wilson is awful and the receivers are worse.  You should just put all 11 in the box.  Outside of ODB and the forever ELITE Eli, the Giants are the worst.

Emmanuel Sanders - This whistledick never does anything unless he is facing me in fantasy.  Fucker.  Fucking loser.  Any game with ample amounts of Brock Osweiler is one that sucks.

Michael Floyd - I'm sorry but weren't you supposed to be some sort of breakout superstud this season?  From what I see, you are worse than Jim Dray.  Typical Notre Dame loser being a loser. At least Arizona just paid Carson Palmer...LOL!

Jay Cutler - I'm just going to assume that he sucked last night.  The game hasn't started yet but I feel comfortable leaving this in here.

FANTASY! - Got Lynched in my OTHER LEAGUE to drop to 2-8 (fuck yeah...worst team two years in a row!).  Lynched Damman in the LFL to somehow get to 5-5. Gonna beat Nibbles in the MSFL to move to 6-4 and tied for first in MY division like the icon that I am.  The G$FL is still up in the air at time of writing this but fuck you, Dut (or not now that I look at the match-up...fucking Dut).

That's it for the NFL talk today.  Get ready for tomorrow's Ohio love fest.  I would like to announce that Burke won Friday's contest.  How?  He picked Barrett to throw a certain number and Drew, who made his pick later, chose one yard LESS than that pick.  Classic Idiot Drool!  Enjoy tonight's re-debut of El Shitbox!      


Anonymous said...

The Jim Caldwell led Lions move to 7-2....but, have road games at Arizona and New England the next two weeks. A split would be fantastic.

The Bears last night...not so good.


Anonymous said...

Holy hell how terrible are the bears? They need to clean house and start all over. How do you perform like that after a bye? Rodgers is amazing but the bears defense is atrocious. Lettin Nelson run free on multiple occasions is comical. Terrible football weekend for me.


Jeff said...

You're right, a team with losses to Tampa and the Jets is not good. At Tennessee next week should be a loss too at this rate. That's what you get for hanging out with bieber, faggots. More disappointing than the loss is the fact that Harrison didn't end bieber's life.

Grumpy said...

Who let that twat Bieber in? That will turn into a 10 year curse.

Anonymous said...

What a perfect football weekend. I really don't know what to make of it, since I was certain something would go wrong.


GMoney said...

I'm not sure what was worse: having Bieber attend your chapel service (WTF?) or thrrowing goalline passes to James Harrison. It was quite the shitshow for the Steelers against the league's greatest shitshow, the Jets.

Remember when I said a few weeks ago that the Bears should go after Jimmy HarBRAH, dump Cutler on whoever for whatever they can get, and do the same with Marshall? That still remains. A certain someone was not first to think these things. FIRST! I'm not saying that they will get a BRAH because the Bears have NEVER paid for a hot/good coach (Hey there, Wannstedt!) but they should now.

GMoney said...

DET/ARI was probably going to be the game of the year (seriously!) before Carson went down and now it is just your run of the mill Drew Stanton REVENGE GAME. I think that Stanton played for the Lions at some point. I think he's played for everyone.

The Redskins play Tampa next week. Do you Steeler fans have any tips for how to not lose to them???

Mr. Ace said...

Sanchez will probably throw 6 TDs tonight. Get ready for an explosion...all over your faces.

I have become very invested in the 49ers losing. I want there to be no doubt about Jimmy BRAH leaving SF. That Saints game was very disappointing. It's about time for Breesus to be crucified. He looks bad.

Serious question; how the fuck does Bieber get in with these athletes? What do these athletes see in him that gets him into their meetings/lockerroom/whataver? I wouldn't let that fucker inside my house. It blows my mind that Floyd Mayweather walks down to the ring with Beiber by his side. The money? The pussy he pulls? Does he give spectacular blowies? I just don't get it.

GMoney said...

That's a good point. The kid does shitty pop music. He isn't street or whatever. A pro athlete should not be pumped about meeting this little Canadian queerbait.

Anonymous said...

What else would you expect from a Toledo grad?


Anonymous said...

Outside of Aaron Rodgers throwing 6 tds (one of which to Lacy, who I was also playing), this was about as perfect of a football weekend you'll ever get. Don't worry though, Mark Sanchez will bail me out tonight.

I was kind of hoping Larry didn't post today so that there was a chance that he killed himself. ND and da bears LOLOLOL.

The g$fl standings are crazy. 1 game separates 3rd place from 11th. Suck on the redheaded Duts for a year, bitch!


Jeff said...

Here's how you beat Tampa. Don't suck. Unfortunately the Redskins suck just as much if not more than the steelers. Lovie will probably be getting his second win.

GMoney said...

I will be replacing Juan Negro from the G$FL in 2015 as his performance this season has been an embarrassment to this proud league.

Even a fluke loss to the NYC Redhead and his faggot partner will not detour from a title. My team is sick and has Gordon and Peterson waiting in the wings.

Prime99 said...

I don't know what to say about the Bears. I've seen them suck in the past, but I can't remember them being this much of an embarrassment. I really wanted Cutler to succeed but I can't support him, Trestmen, or GM Phil Emery anymore. I'll welcome Jim BRAH with open arms next year as SF fans are done with that guy.

Cakes said...

In the old days, the Browns would just franchise Hoyer next year and give Johnny one more season to "learn the system". Unfortunately that shit doesn't fly anymore. It's going to be hard to pay Hoyer 18 million with your future QB sitting on the bench ready to go. I don't really care which way they go as long as the Browns keep winning. I would like to have seen Johnny get some garbage time in those Steeler and Bengals games just to have some tape on him. He's a complete unknown at this point. It's a good problem to have but the Browns need to make the right choice. What that choice is? Fuck, I don't know. Until you pay me a couple million a year to GM I don't have to worry about those decisions.

I still think Gilbert can be good. Playing Corner is hard. Cleveland could totes use on of those stud receivers but Gordon is back soon and Taylor Gabriel has been awesome. I've seen a lot of mocks taking Amari Cooper next year as well. If the only criticism of Cleveland still centers around their draft and not the product on the field in week 10, I'll take it.

LOL Bears.

I'll wait until Tuesday but LOL Sparty.

GMoney said...

Amari Cooper isn't going to be around when your picks happen. At least it isn't likely. LOL Peter Gabriel has been good or whoever.

If corner is so hard then why is it that only illiterate fornicators play that position (and Jason Sehorn). Their only job is "react". Corner is easy. Unless you play it for the Bears obvz.

Cakes said...

Gilbert has been much better the past couple weeks. It's rare to see any rookie come in and dominate that position. I'm still hopeful he'll work out.

Obviously we are banking on the Bills returning to form and losing most of their games from here on out. Might be able to slide into the top ten if they cooperate. I'm sure even if Cooper is gone, another WR will be in play with that pick.

What I'm trying to say is WHO CARES?! FIRST PLACE!

GMoney said...

I also find it hilarious that people are accusing the Niner DB of flopping. Oh yeah, because the final play of a tie game with a hail mary coming while your are covering the only guy capable of catching the pass is the perfect time to test out your Vlade Divac impression. Got it. That makes perfect sense.

T. Iceman said...

I don't know why you're so shocked about Denard being a legit RB. Running was the only thing he was ever good at while at Michigan.

A buddy of mine is in a survival pool with about 80 people left. The pot is 20K. He told me he was picking Steelers over the Jets this weekend. I told him to pick that game if he wants to be done in his pool. He changed it and now owes me money.

"It's going to be hard to pay Hoyer 18 million with your future QB sitting on the bench ready to go"

Hoyer has the Browns out to the best start since 1995 and this clown is still anointing Manziel the QB of the future. And wasn't Cakes the one blowing Hoyer after 3 games last year? Yeah...he was. Just raving about him. Now Cakes can't stop sucking Johnny despite Hoyer doing NOTHING to prove he doesn't deserve the starting job. You'd be a great politician, Cakes.

OBVZ Cleveland needs to wait until the season is over to decide on Hoyer. But if Hoyer keeps winning and *gasp* finds a way to take this team to the playoffs, there's no doubt you pay the man. Then trade Manziel and bring in a quiet, non-threatening backup in case Hoyer gets hurt.

T. Iceman said...

That was a total flop. Watch the replay. Graham didn't even extend his arms all the way. If that guy honestly fell like he stepped on a land mine off a half push then I guess Jimmy Graham is the Incredible Hulk.

At the end of the day...sure. I guess it was a penalty. But it needed to be sold and it was the sell job of the year.

GMoney said...

I'll go back to my prior argument that DBs are fucking idiots and definitely not smart enough to act on the fly.

But what is fair market value for Hoyer? You say pay him if he keeps the Ws flowing, but what does that mean? Are you giving him a Carson Palmer deal? Dumping Manziel won't get you anything more than a 3rd or a fourf round pick. It's a very delicate balance indeed that Haslam and Co will definitely screw up.

Cakes said...

Saying I don't care which way the a browns go as long as they win implies that I'm sucking Johnny's dick apparently. Got it.

I'm not saying that Hoyer shouldn't be the guy or the Browns shouldn't pay him. It's just going to be tough to back up the a brinks truck when the unknown first rounder is on the bench waiting for a shot. You're right though. This is a problem for the off season. No way Hoyer is talking contract right now anyway. Let's worry about it after our Super Bowl win.

GMoney said...


OK, we're back to decent episodes which is nice. When they don't give full hours to garbage characters like Beth, they do well.

*Dammit. Everything was pointing to Eugene being full of shit and thus I was hoping that he was right. He was not. He did call his hair a Tennessee Top Hat though which made me have to press pause due to LOLZ.

*Good to know that Eugene is into voyeurism. I was not expecting an Abe/Rosita sex scene although Abe was dying for a piece of ass apparently. Seeing Geno's head peeking through the books was hilarious. I apologize for my perversion! This episode was loaded with great quotes.

*Poor Abe. We see that his family left him because they were terrified of what he did only to see them dead. Then he is about to blow his head off when Eugene gives him a mission. Now his whole existence is a lie. Should be interesting to see what he does next besides Rosita's vagina obvz.

*LOL Eugene with a water hose

*IMO they should kill Eugene now. He provides nothing and can't be trusted.

*Who else thinks that Abe's apparently weak hand skin is going to lead to his demise? You just can't keep breaking the skin in an apocalypse and not get some bad shit in those wounds.

Good episode and it looks like we get an hour with Carol and Daryl next week who are two of my favorite characters...should be solid.

Prime99 said...

Eugene finally cops to his ruse. What a numb nuts. Making the bus crash was a solid move for a coward who would've been outed in DC. So why not admit to it earlier? Im sure getting his skull cracked by Abe was way better than driving through a zombie herd.

Tara getting her lesbo peek on was fucking funny also.

That family had the ultimate protection, left Abe, and died what appeared to be within 100 yards of his house. Worse defense than the Bears imo.

T. Iceman said...

I find myself wondering how everyone had such nice teeth in the zombie apocalypse. I feel like there would be a lot of tooth rot going on by now.

I get that Abraham is pissed he was lied to...but Eugene brings up a good point. Washington is safer for everyone involved. No need to challenge Gene to a Wayne Park bout just because he was untruthful on why they were going.

Abraham's family deserved to die. That's what you get for walking out on a badass that would kill anything to keep you safe. That made no sense to me. Weed out the weak, IMO.

I was going to mention the wound that keeps opening. While I don't think it'll kill Abe, it makes me wonder how he's able to keep zombie guys out of it. Poor effort on the writing there.

The water hose was indeed LOL. I know these are rotting bodies but I don't think you can explode skulls with a fire hose. Idk...maybe you can.

I was just okay with this episode. Found it to be right in the middle.

Prime99 said...

Iceman tests the boundaries of suspension of disbelief. Part of this is a show that is a science fiction. I don't think showing teeth rot is crucial to the show. If they want to explode zombie skulls with a fire hose- rock on, team zombies.

If you want to see real teeth rot, move to Florida. Wait...

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at Prime's last comment.

Iceman is right on the CAKES TAKES about Hoyer/Manziel. As long as Hoyer keeps winning, then the Browns should ride that and lock him up at the end of the year. I actually think G$s Carson Palmer contract comparison could be fair.

Iceman is wrong about the "flop".

I didn't like last night's episode...boring.


T. Iceman said...

I understand this is a science fiction show about the dead comig back to life, Prime. But the writers and producers have said they're trying to be as accurate as possible. Even down to the decomposition of the walkers as the days, months and years pass. I don't think my teeth inquiry is that crazy.

GMoney said...

It could have been an hour of Eugene furiously masturbating and I still would have preferred over the Beth nonsense from last week.

GMoney said...

So do you want all the actors to be forced to contract gingivitis just to be on the show? Or have horrible fake teeth? I rag on this show quite a bit but you need to DEAL WITH IT when it comes to tooth decay!

T. Iceman said...

I'm not saying everyone should look like they've been yanked out of a meth house in the middle of Detroit. But they shouldn't look like they just had their teeth whitened in Beverly Hills either. I'm all about the details.

T. Iceman said...

Getting back to the Hoyer thing, Cakes...last year you lost your mind and crowned Hoyer the savior after he won the Browns 3 games. Yes you did. YES...YOU DID! Now Hoyer has done nothing but prove that last year is looking less and less like a fluke. Yet here you are talking about how Manziel is the QB of the future. In case you forgot saying that...

"It's going to be hard to pay Hoyer 18 million with your future QB sitting on the bench ready to go"

That's how you're sucking his dick. Manziel shouldn't even be in the equation right now. His name shouldn't even be mentioned. This is Hoyer's team and it shouldn't be hard at all to pay him. I believe he's earned it.

I would rather take the chance and pay Hoyer 10-15 million dollars a year over the next 5 years and not have to worry about a fucking QB controversy every God damn off season. The Browns are finally starting to look like a football team and a lot of the credit goes to Hoyer. And keep in mind the Browns are in first place without 3 Pro Bowl players. Hoyer is doing this with no names. IMO...he's only going to get better when these guys are back and healthy.

Prime99 said...

We can trade the Browns Cutler if you want.