Monday, November 03, 2014

The Worst of Week Nine Vol.VIII

#ELITE
If you are one of the few and the proud to subscribe to my Grammy Award winning Facebook feed, you saw that Baby, She$, and myself made it onto the Jumbtron on Friday night as I watched Leafs fans be really annoying and obnoxious (but win because we are brittle and stink).  I've got to tell you, this has always been a bucket list thing for me...getting on the big board.  I'm not as ELITE as Dancing Kevin (who was in attendance!) or anything and I only spent those few seconds waving the baby's arm around like a moron, but mission accomplished.  If you bring a baby to a game and have decent seats, it is almost a LOCK that you will be given camera time.  FACT.  Now I just need to catch a foul ball or home run with my bare hands (on the fly...none of that bounce shit) and I can die a happy sports fan.

As we were leaving the arena and heading into the parking garage, some guy said to his wife, "Hey, that's the baby from the Jumbotron."  We be gettin' famous, yo!  CARRY THE FLAG! Let's talk football.

Joseph Randle - If you remember, this idiot was arrested for stealing under-roos and cologne from Dillard's a few weeks ago but police footage released this week showed that he bitched to the cops about Josh Brent and Dez Bryant regarding to their past crimes.  Jason Witten screamed at him during practice in front of reporters for being such a shitty teammate.  They should cut this fucker but they won't because the Cowboys are hilarious.

Ben Tate - This guy sucks.  While the Browns have been a pleasant surprise to their moron fans, the starting RB has been about as much of a difference maker as Rob Ford's PR chief.  I don't know how it's possible but the Browns do in FACT have the easiest schedule ever.  Urban Meyer is jealous of this schedule.  If you win them though, who gives a fuck.

DeMarco Murray - Ya streak is OVAH, bruh!  Hell of a run but Brandon Weeden's supreme shittiness infects all.  My god awful team may be god awful, but at least we ended the fairy tale Cowboys season.  And it's just amazing to hear that "Dr." Jerry Jones Bud Kilmer'd his QB last week.  JUST SHOOT HIM UP, YEE-HAAAAA!

Arian Foster and Nick Foles - Pussies be goin' down!  After all of that trash that JJ Watt was talking last week about selfies, getting dominated by El Shitbox Mark Sanchez was quite the comeuppance.  The Eagles still suck.

Philip Rivers - JESUS.  As a proud Charger backer from the start of the year, that looks foolish now.  Marmalard was so goddamn bad that he got benched in the third quarter.  Are the Dolphins good?  They're 5-3 now and should have beat Green Bay.  I think that they might be.  I'm sticking with the Bolts though.  Once Natrone Means and Marion Butts come back, they will be unstoppable.

The Jags and Jets - Both lost.  No one cares.

The Redskins - God dammit.  God damn this franchise.  You had me flying higher than Amanda Bynes 6 days ago and then swiftly destroyed those feelings up in Canada Jr to Teddy Fucking Bridgewater and Matt Asshole.  Remember how Jim Haslett ran punt block on defense for the entire game in Dallas and it was hilarious.  It didn't work at all yesterday.  Griffin was fine and DeSean and AlfMo were their usual self but the OL was pathetic.  There is so much dead weight on this roster (no offense to Jay Gruden).  I swear, we lose to the Vikings EVERY year which makes sense because they are an embarrassment. I HATE YOU, REDSKINS.

Colin Craperneck and Alex Boone - Losing to the Rams at home is the first step for Jimmy relocating to Ann Arbor.  The Rams were last in the NFL in sacks but then ripped off at least 8 in Prime's backyard. I blame Boone. And nice garbage sneak by Tat Boy.

Russell Wilson - How do you not throw a TD pass against the fucking Raiders?  They should kick your not black ass out of the league for that?  Why am I so mad about that?  I played my old man in my OTHER LEAGUE and needed ANYTHING from Dubs to win. I got nothing.  The best I can do is tie (if LeVeon and Wheaton stay out of the end zone last night).  I doubt it.  Fuck you, Rusty.

Peyton Manning - Few things are more insufferable than the annual fuckfest between Pey Pey and Tommy B.  And, once again, Belichick and Brady reign supreme.  This is nothing new.  I'm sure that everyone will make excuses for Peyton falling short again and blame other people, but not me.  Manning is now 5-11 against Dreamboat and the Grumblelord.  Keep fucking that chicken though, Manning backers.
Could I interest you in a bucket of my piss, my lady?
Joe Thomas's Aunt - We're going to close with this beauty who definitely has a lucky husband or butch lesbian at home.  I GUARANSHEED that Cakes loves this woman's spunk.

FANTASY! - Pounded Black in the G$FL to move to 6-3.  Crushed Li'l Poopson in the LFL.  Molested The Wig Master (who dressed up as someone from Frozen for Halloween and thus deserved his beating) in the MSFL to get to 5-4 somehow!  And may or may not lose in the OTHER LEAGUE.  We should find out this week if Adrian Peterson is going to come back at all so it wouldn't be the worst idea to pick him up if you can.  I did in two leagues just to stash.  We'll see.

I don't know how to end this.  I made ribs for dinner last night and the side was going to be redskin potatoes.  I was so mad at the Skins that I nearly dumped them in the trash.  But I don't waste shit so I ate them anyway.  I am part of the problem.  GO SPARTY!

34 comments:

Grumpy said...

My fellow Miamian, John HarBRAH, is a giant dick.

Jeff said...

Good to see all the straight skins sticking up for their guy Colt. Sounds like RG3 divides more than just dudes assholes now. And no mention of the bus crash before the game? That's all the LOLZ.

GMoney said...

Pretty obvz to me that Big Ben is a HOF and the MVP of this league imo not to mention a hell of a guy.

The Redskins are awful and can't drive but I don't believe that "locker room divided" shit for one minute. People who think that Colt should be the starter probably have long and deep conversations about someone's blackness.

And it does sound like there could be a chance that Peterson comes back soon. If you aren't in any of my leagues, it will be worth a shot.

GMoney said...

So who the hell is that Wallenda guy?

Mr. Ace said...

Marky Mark Sanchize is gon lead us to the Super Bowl, bitches. I honestly don't see a big drop off in production coming. This offense is all about the system and as long as Sanchize knows the play book we will be fine.

Romo ain't coming back. No team can escape the stench of Weeden.

Manning has a big old twat for a robot arm. He was throwing off his back foot all day and it was ugly.

I'll be 2-0 AGAIN in fantasy this week. It's pretty boring being this #ELITE.

GMoney said...

In what might be the least ELITE thing that I've ever done, my boxers were on backwards AND inside out up until about 30 seconds ago.

T. Iceman said...

"ohn HarBRAH, is a giant dick."

That's exactly what Ann Arbor needs.

Jeff brings up some great points that went unaddressed. That bus crash was so Redskins. Nothing like the team buses crashing into themselves on the way to getting beat by a shitbag Vikings team.

A Browns castoff has more wins this year than a guy you traded a million picks for. And that pass to Garcon on 4th down at the end of the game? Hilarious.

I don't think Peterson plays even if he's eligible by NFL rules. Remember there were sponsors pulling their support from the Vikings when they announced he would play. Businesses don't want to be associated with a team that plays a guy who beats the shit out of his kid. I think the damage may already be done.

Anonymous said...

Wrong Harbaugh, champ.

Ide

T. Iceman said...

And just another week of Hoyer winning a game for the Browns and a large portion of Browns fans hating him for it because he isn't Aaron Rodgers. Seriously...dude is winning games. What is the problem? That he isn't winning 50-7? People can say all they want that these are "easy" games that we should be winning by more points. But how many years have you watched a Cleveland quarterback LOSE games the Browns should be winning? It happens every fucking season. Not to mention that Hoyer is winning with Cameron, Gordon and Mack out. Three Pro Bowl players. Just fucking enjoy what's happening for fuck sake. The Browns are relevant in November!! Enough with the fucking Manziel talk already.

T. Iceman said...

Both Harbaughs have been mentioned in Michigan head coaching rumors. Champ.

GMoney said...

I could see that but if they want to trade him to Jerry Jones in the offseason, they might as well get his ass out there and show him off a little. If companies don't want to be associated with the NFL then I'm sure that plenty of others would take that coveted spot.

Once again, Iceman associates with the worst of the worst fans.

I should have known that the Skins were doomed once word leaked that some players were shaken up after a fender bender. That 4th down pass was horrendous but I still claim that he played well and giving up 29 points to the Vikings is fucking pathetic.

Grumpy said...

Both BRAH's are dicks, but if I see John at Miami I'm going straight for his knees.

T. Iceman said...

It'll be interesting to see how the Vikings handle this. To me...it just isn't worth it. Yeah, Peterson is a freak athlete and one of the best RBs this game has ever seen. But how many good seasons does AP really have left in him? He turns 30 this year and it's not like the Vikings were making the playoffs every single year with AP back there. Wouldn't it make sense to just ditch the baggage and roll with McKinnon then replace AP in the draft with someone like Todd Gurley? Shit...or just roll with McKinnon. And realistically, is anyone going to trade for a shitbag like AP? I mean, we joke around about terrible owners doing it but is that really an option? I don't think so.

One of my buddies was at the Browns game and he said there were Johnny chants coming from the stands in the first half. It's not just the people I associate with on social media.

GMoney said...

And realistically, is anyone going to trade for a shitbag like AP?

JERRAL FUCKING JONES

Anonymous said...

Grumps....why the John BRAH hate today?

--Drew

GMoney said...

BETH TIME!

*There you go...the streak of solid episodes ends at 3. I have no idea why the showrunners decided to dedicate an entire episode to someone that no one likes, but that's what we got

*Where have I seen that black janitor guy before? The one that got out? He wasn't the Make 7 Up Yours guy but he looks like him

*Dr. Guinea Pig has a pretty sweet set up IMO. Practice your craft, have unlimited protection from horrible cops, and rock out to the blues. The blues are shit by the way but still it's better than listening to Beth sing.

*I did not buy Dawn at all as some sort of authority figure. She was really bad.

*And then there is Gorman who is just like all bad guys in this world: a gigantic shitbag rapist. Why is everyone a rapist in the apocalypse? Gorman looked like a pussy. He deserved to get eaten by zombie whore who killed herself maybe.

*We end with Carol getting wheeled into the hospital and absolutely nothing being resolved. I assume that black orderly was the guy that Daryl brought out of the woods last week and now everyone will head back to ATL to get their two ladies. I mean, it makes sense to do that.

*Looks like we hit the road to DC with Honest Abe and the Idiots next week. Oh boy, that should be a hoot. I've got dibs on Sweet Angel Maggie and Rosita spending the hour in a deep scissor sesh.

God damn that was boring last night.

T. Iceman said...

That wasn't the best episode, sad to say. Hopefully they pick it up next week.

I agree...the mystery person Daryl brings back has to be Noah. It was set up perfectly for that.

And by the way, Noah was on Everybody Hates Chris. He played young Chris Rock.

And if I'm not mistaken, it appears young Beth is about to go slumming with a black kid. I think Noah giving her the sucker was a hint that he wanted her to suck on the flesh flavored sucker attached to his body next. Good thing Herschel isn't around to see this. Although I think his standards for his daughters may have changed after he allowed Maggie to smash privates with an Asian.

"Why is everyone a rapist in the apocalypse?"

Because beating off gets old after awhile? And probably because there are almost no consequences for your actions. The apocalypse brings out the worst in almost everyone. Most likely half this commenting panel would resort to rape during apocalyptic times. The Steelers fans, for starters. They already turn a blind eye to it in a time where rape is a punishable crime.

Prime99 said...

My team was so bad in this bye week. Rodgers and Forte are my entire team. FACT.

The Beth episode was boring. I guess an Atlanta building could run like that? But uh, where are they getting power?

I agree on the rape stuff, but when you may die at any time, I guess bros get more impatient with getting their dicks wet?

I hope it gets better next week.

GMoney said...

No, I think that Noah is Urkel. Yeah, that's it.

GMoney said...

LOLOLOLOLOL GGOOD SAMARITAN IDE! What a crock of fucking shit. Check out those gigantic #IdeLies on FB when you have the chance. You should have taken that old fuck to the cleaners and taught him a lesson.

BOOOOOOOOONE Jenner is back tomorrow night!

Anonymous said...

What a terrible episode to get caught up for.

I don't understand why they insist on running so many fucking story lines, half of which are boring as shit....

Is this the last season or am I reading correctly that there will be another one?

- J saul

GMoney said...

LOL NO. They aren't ending this gravy train any time soon. This is the only show that keeps AMC afloat after Mad Men ends next year.

Nibbles said...

There are talks that there are going to be twelve.

Not sure how that's possible or if folks would still around that long.

Anonymous said...

That guy gave me $85 out of his wallet and cut me a check for $500. Dude is a ceo of some marketing/logistics firm. I was waiting for one or more of you twats to ruin my universal praise. Well done.

Ide

GMoney said...

Fine. If he is interested in advertising here, we can negotiate.

Grumpy said...

Drew, did you see the game last night? Chippy play is one thing, trying to end careers is another. I don't think guys do that shit unless the HC condones it.

T. Iceman said...

"That guy gave me $85 out of his wallet and cut me a check for $500"

Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure he did.

Anonymous said...

Grumps...I did not.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Grump, so is Tomlin an asshole because of James Harrison's tactics throughout his career?

-Damman

T. Iceman said...

" Steelers linebacker James Harrison said the hit from behind that the Baltimore Ravens' Terrell Suggs leveled at LeGarrette Blount on Sunday night made it look like the linebacker was trying to hurt the running back."

Oh go fuck yourself so hard, Harrison. This from a guy who made a career head hunting people. Why won't this fucker just go away?

GMoney said...

Suggs just tripped over his gums.

Prime99 said...

This guy must be a genius marketer to make Ide look like a model citizen.

Anonymous said...

Yeah this guy is doing A+ PR work for me at the moment. I'm loving this.

Also, I have made more income off of being a good guy than Iceman has off of his "job". LULZ

Ide

GMoney said...

All of those people saying "I've know Ide for years...GREAT GUY" are currently dead last in the rankings for MSMotY. WTF???