Monday, November 17, 2014

The Worst of Week Eleven Vol.VIII

This guy has nothing to do with anything today but he looks EXACTLY like my Uncle Rob.  Why is a coach eating ice cream during a game?  I absolutely must meet this hero.  I have so many questions. He looks like a guy with all the answers.
It seems like at least half the movies ever made have had a scene where some lonely guy is sitting at a hotel bar spilling his misery to a hooker and saying things like "I missed everything because of this DAMN JOB".  He's usually talking about a failed marriage or kids that hate him or a gay son or whatever.  Saturday, She$ and The Penny (man, I really should have pushed for Penny...that would have been a logical name) went back to Nap to visit her parents and I stayed at home with the dog because it was a worthless visit and made little sense for me to go since I would have complained the whole time.  Well, if you subscribe to my NAACP Award winning Facebook feed, you probably saw that Penny rolled over for the first time.

Now, in the grand scheme of things, this means very little.  She rolled over.  Big fucking deal.  But I am sad that I missed it anyway.  I can't help but wonder if this is just the beginning.  Will I miss more firsts due to my illustrious blogging duties?  I don't want to do that.  At least the wife recorded it so that's cool.  I vow to be there when Penny says her first word (it will be "ELITE") and her first sentence ("Mom, you are OVERRATED").  The moral of the story is that you should never feel ashamed for laying on the couch in complete silence all day with both of your hands down your pants.  Let's talk football.

Leodis McKelvin - I believe that he GUARANSHEEDed a win over Miami on Thursday and followed that up not winning AND breaking his leg or something.  ELITE prediction!  The only thing left for the Bills to do is fuck up the Browns first round pick spot.

FUCK YOU, WASHINGTON PIGDICKS - What a disaster.  I mean, they bring in the Seal Team Six Bin Laden killer guy to fire them up on Saturday and then do nothing on Sunday.  That guy should kill this franchise.  The Redskins, coming off of a bye, lost by 20 at home to Lovie Smiff.  They had LBs covering Mike Evans one on one.  This.  Team.  Sucks.  We had two weeks to prepare for those losers!  Unreal.  Worst team in the league.

Atlanta - They are now leading the South at a robust 4-6 despite being fucking terrible.  They deserved to lose yesterday.

The Saints - Everyone on this team sucks except for (shockingly) Mark Ingram.  The Dome used to be the toughest place for opponents and now a ginger piece of shit can dominate them there.  Bonus points to that asshole Saints fan for stealing the ball from the BenGAL.  I haven't such shitbrick behavior from a fan since Peter King stole a foul ball from a little kid.

Peyton Manning - Say what you will about Tom Brady, but he makes it work with whoever he has to throw to.  Julius and Emmanuel both go down and Manning is WORTHLESS.  I guess it isn't that easy if you don't have incredible players all over the field.  This was the biggest upset of the season.  22-7 to the Rams!

ELITE Manning - Somehow, Peyton wasn't even the worst Manning of the day.  The way that this family worked yesterday, Cooper was probably killed in a stampede and baked onto one of Papa John's Fritos abortion pizzas.

Teddy Bridgewater - This guy is worse than Geno Smith.  Yeah, I said it.  The Bears can't cover me and Teddy didn't complete a pass to a WR until the second half.  What a loser.  By the way, yesterday was the first time in a month that the Bears attempted a field goal.  LOL!

High Expectations - Yep, we should have seen this coming.  The Browns being in first place was going to last as little time as possible.  They were dominated at home by a bad team and basically played as if they didn't have any gameplan other than "turn it over" and "make backups look ELITE" with a little "JJ Watt do whatever you want".  Browns are still way more of a pretender than a contender.  And yes I will change my opinion on this team from week to week.

Marmalard Rivers - The Chargers beat a shitty Raiders team and it was an awful game.  Rivers got his ass kicked which had to delight America.  We don't spend much time at all complimenting the Raiders and rightfully so but Khalil Mack is a STUD and probably should be in the Pro Bowl as a rookie.

Not really anyone in the SEA/KC and DET/ARI - Those were two good games and four good teams.  The Lions just couldn't get anything going but no one has been able to do much in the desert.  I suppose that they guy responsible for covering Michael Floyd sucked.  And Damman tells me that Jerome Booger had a bad game.  I'm sure that that was true.

Mark "El Shitbox" Sanchez - If you bought into Nacho's redemption story then congrats on being dumb as fuck.  This guy isn't winning big road games.  I expected the Packers to win big (maybe not THAT big) but I continue to believe that the Eagles are frauds.  Don't give them any special teams touchdowns and they are in trouble.  Mr. Ace lost an in-house bet to his Packer-molesting wife so I think he spent the evening getting pegged or something.  Ape sucks.

FANTASY! - I'm just ignoring my OTHER LEAGUE at this point.  It looks like I'm going to beat Prime in the MSFL and Lange in the LFL which will continue my incredible Cinderella story.  Burke is going to beat me in the G$FL which sucks because his team blows and no one scored on my team this week.  At least I get Josh Gordon and probably Adrian Peterson next week.  Good luck, f-sackles.

That will do it for this week's round-up.  It looks like the NFL is stuffing the Steelers up our asses again tonight.  Well, if they can lose to the Bucs and Jets, completing the triumverate with a loss to the Titans should make for a fun watch, too.  FUCK YOU CAKES!


Grumpy said...

That was an ELITE turn over, though to be precise, it was only 180 degrees.

GMoney said...

Which one are you talking about again? Sorry, it's early and I have snow on the brain.

Maybe I should back off on that "should beat Prime" notion because FUCK YOU JONAS GRAY. OBVZ Martavis Bryant is 5 points better than Sankey every day any way, but if the Pats hang 42 I'm expecting more than 2 from Tom Terrific. Jonas Gray? Fuck that.

GMoney said...

“This team has sucked over the last few years, OK? And as a former player, I’m embarrassed to watch this junk, over and over again. And I will call out names and tell them exactly what I feel. Because a lot of guys who want to be big time and talking about what they think and what the media shouldn’t be doing, play some damn football. You sucked on the field today, and you know who you are.”--former Redskin, Brian Mitchell and he could not be more right

Anonymous said...

Khalil Mack is good... wish the Browns would have went after him because Justin Gilbert is obviously looking stellar.

But hey, at least we didnt trade away every pick for the next 10 years for RG3.


GMoney said...

We would have drafted nuclear waste with those picks anyway. Stop acting like we know what we're doing.

I will forever argue that that was the correct decision. HOWEVAH, destroying the kid physically and mentally in less than a year defines the Washington Redskins.

Our fans were actually chanting for Colt McCoy! This is how bad things have gotten!

Anonymous said...

It's been discussed here for a while now and by many NFL fans.....but, Jerome Boger is by far the worst ref in the NFL. He just fucks every game up and fucked the Lions on several occasions yesterday. Now, I'm not sure it would have mattered at all as our offense couldn't do anything...but, man does he suck at his job.

The Redskins are sumthin'.

We should be minutes away from a Cakes/Iceman Hoyer/Manziel, we've got that to look forward to today.


GMoney said...

Drew, the third and 11 catch was borderline although I think he was short but that downed punt was AWFUL. If the ball was deemed down then CALL IT IMMEDIATELY. Ballsy play by Ross though.

Booger will never get fired those because black.

I saw a lot of Browns turds crying about how much the announcers were talking about JJ Watt. Uh, yeah, that happens when you're the best player in the league and the definition of everything that all old timers like. Dude plays fucking punt team! Plus, he's a goddamn savage.

Anonymous said...

Dude SHOULDNT play punt team anymore after his two roughing the punter penalties yesterday. If not for those moronic penalties, the Browns probably wouldnt have scored the entire game.


GMoney said...

You can't expect a lunchpail road grader to stop being gritty. He's just being a kid out there, rubbing some dirt on it.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at Stanton getting a 13 year deal. Yikes.


Grumpy said...

I have no doubt the Steelers will complete the cycle tonight and lose to the Titans.

I should have said ELITE roll over.

Jeff said...

Yep, I have no faith in this steelers team.

Frank Clark made the most of his bye week.

Prime99 said...

The Bears proved they are not the worst, though they're still BAD.

G$, if your daughter goes to daycare, there is a great chance you'll miss many firsts, but if the daycare is good, they won't mention them. Point is, don't drive yourself nuts on seeing or hearing something she does first.

I hope Sankey puts up one SANKEY (25 points.)

T. Iceman said...

Prime's gonna give you a mouth full of Sankey.

"But hey, at least we didnt trade away every pick for the next 10 years for RG3"

Lord, we tried though. We really tried.

I keep forgetting Mack is even in the NFL because he's on the Raiders. I would have a hard time naming a wide receiver that plays outside of James Jones. That's how disconnected I am with the Raiders. I'm pretty proud of that.

There's a difference between talking about JJ Watt and saying the words "JJ" and "Watt" an average of one time every 12 seconds. It was fucking ridiculous. One play, Crick jumped up and batted down a pass and instantly that fucking idiot Tasker was like "Who does that remind you of? A guy named JJ Watt?? He even looks like JJ Watt!". It was pretty pathetic.

Watch the college stuff, Jeff. We'll get to that tomorrow. G$ already robbed me of my Dilly Bar guy picture...

T. Iceman said...

I'm not going to argue with Cakes about Hoyer over Manziel today. It's exhausting and I don't have the energy today. There's no changing that guy's mind about anything. I'll just let him sit there and make poop sculptures while proudly wearing his "JOHNNY" t-shirt.

GMoney said...

I can't even begin to imagine how bad Johnny would play in conditions like yesterday which weren't even that bad. I guarantee that he would go out there with five long sleeve tshirts and a ski mask (AKA like a pussy).

I was there for her first shit. That is all I need. I do want those first words though. Everything else lacks TRANSCENDENCE. I will admit that I watched that video at least 50 times on Saturday. It was the right LEMPH (18 seconds) and I was the right amount of buzzed (sixer of Christmas Ale).

Sankey can get fucked.

GMoney said...


Well, it was a slower episode featuring only Carol, Daryl, and Urkel but I thought it was pretty good. Let's break it down.

*So we find out how Carol survived after Rick abused his power that he didn't have and kicked her out. She became a paralegal or something and an advocate for recycling. That lawyer's office seemed like a pretty legit lodging situation though. I would have stayed there instead of following a puff of smoke.

*I loved how Daryl was all like "we're running low on gas" and then OBVZ it goes dry when they need to move. I mean, come on, at least try.

*One of them (it seems like Carol's during the episode but Talking Dead apparently said it was Daryl's) has a dealing with sexual abuse book. OK, the apocalypse is the perfect setting to work on your inner-self. Methinks that a world full of zombies would put that on the backburner a bit. That book will never, ever get read.

*That office where they were spying was ELITE. I'm just going to assume that it was Ludacris's.

*Urkel got the drop on them and stole their weapons after his escape two episodes ago. Carol wanted to kill him and was right to do so. Daryl said no for some reason. This move didn't make sense to me. They have literally killed every single outsider on this show yet let the blerd go.

*Oh yeah, the van scene. I get wanting to find out where the van was from but what was their end game? The ONLY option was careening off the bridge. That made no sense to me even though it was a cool scene.

*And then Carol gets nabbed by the hospital folks. She deserved it for not looking both ways when crossing the street (Crossing The Street 101). There are like four cars that still run in ATL and she couldn't hear it. Makes sense. So now we know how she reunited with Beth and it is Urkel in the woods with Daryl. Two more episodes left and I assume that the big scene will be Grimey's Crew vs. Hospital cops.

I can live with that.

Anonymous said...

Still not watching the new season.

Late football takes: Injuries just keep piling up for the Browns. I hate to be one of those guys who points to that as a YUGE detractor on games (Mack/Taylor/Dansby) we should be winning, but goddamn. It's the same with the CBJ. While BOB came back to an ELITE weekend, the amount of injuries is almost too much to overcome. And it seems like such a cop out of an excuse regardless of how accurate it is. "We lost so many people to injuries" "You're still the Browns." It sucks.

RG3 is complete dogshit. Going all in on a black quarterback has NEVER been a good idea. Blame the offensive line all you want, but you draft blacks for speed and agility, and when your turf has more sacks than the defenses your facing, you will never be successful. Also, he is gay.

I don't know why, but I really fucking hate the Patriots even more than usual this year. Granted lil' Poopson makes them a really easy team to hate, but their play and goddamn pundits blowing them constantly makes them one of my most hated teams. I can't wait until they blow it in the playoffs/Super Bowl, because they will.

The dilly bar pic is so ELITE that it should be on the banner.


T. Iceman said...

The one thing I learned from last night is Darryl is the most ELITE pitch black driver. Especially following a car on an unfamiliar road covered in debris.

I actually liked this episode a lot. They gave background to what solo Carol had been up to without dedicating an entire 60 minutes to it. And apparently Carol was up to keeping a creepily close distance to her former group. And the post apocalyptic city shots were pretty fucking cool. Well done on that front.

The more Carl is not in episodes the more I realize I don't care if he lives or dies. Carl is expendable, IMO. Let's kill a Grimes kid this season, yeah?

I bought the "don't kill the black kid" scene. He was alone and pretty up front with them. He said he didn't want to hurt anyone and that he just needed weapons. The outsiders they normally kill are the ones that try to eat their young. Or straight up murder their asses.

The van scene was all of the LULZ. That was the only problem I had with this episode. There were about 7 walkers behind them at a pretty safe distance. Then they spend 2 minutes in the van and all of a sudden...SURROUNDED! Dunt dunt dunnnnnnn!!! And the way that van fell was hilarious. Perfect landing! How convenient! I didn't like it.

Remember when G$ ragged on Prime for watching Talking Dead? LOL. Now G$ is Chris Hardwick superfan.

GMoney said...

No no no...I read on the internet that Talking Dead has been filling in plot holes the past two weeks. Your post show should not be explaining the show. I have not and never will watch that crap.

And I would have thought that the van would have fallen off by now. A good stiff wind would send that thing off the bridge like Country Mac.

I've wanted to watch Carl die since I knew that Carl was a person.

Ide, you might be on to something regarding Afroman QBs but, then again, we did make Doug Williams a champion so who knows.

Mr. Ace said...

Sanchize Bad. Although I don't think he looked all that bad. Eagles had some good drives, but they just broke down. The defense was the worst I have ever witnessed. That's a real problem. ARodg is destroying any and everything right now tho.

Zombies was alright last night. That hour is literally 40% commercials. Really annoying.