|This guy has nothing to do with anything today but he looks EXACTLY like my Uncle Rob. Why is a coach eating ice cream during a game? I absolutely must meet this hero. I have so many questions. He looks like a guy with all the answers.|
Now, in the grand scheme of things, this means very little. She rolled over. Big fucking deal. But I am sad that I missed it anyway. I can't help but wonder if this is just the beginning. Will I miss more firsts due to my illustrious blogging duties? I don't want to do that. At least the wife recorded it so that's cool. I vow to be there when Penny says her first word (it will be "ELITE") and her first sentence ("Mom, you are OVERRATED"). The moral of the story is that you should never feel ashamed for laying on the couch in complete silence all day with both of your hands down your pants. Let's talk football.
Leodis McKelvin - I believe that he GUARANSHEEDed a win over Miami on Thursday and followed that up not winning AND breaking his leg or something. ELITE prediction! The only thing left for the Bills to do is fuck up the Browns first round pick spot.
FUCK YOU, WASHINGTON PIGDICKS - What a disaster. I mean, they bring in the Seal Team Six Bin Laden killer guy to fire them up on Saturday and then do nothing on Sunday. That guy should kill this franchise. The Redskins, coming off of a bye, lost by 20 at home to Lovie Smiff. They had LBs covering Mike Evans one on one. This. Team. Sucks. We had two weeks to prepare for those losers! Unreal. Worst team in the league.
Atlanta - They are now leading the South at a robust 4-6 despite being fucking terrible. They deserved to lose yesterday.
The Saints - Everyone on this team sucks except for (shockingly) Mark Ingram. The Dome used to be the toughest place for opponents and now a ginger piece of shit can dominate them there. Bonus points to that asshole Saints fan for stealing the ball from the BenGAL. I haven't such shitbrick behavior from a fan since Peter King stole a foul ball from a little kid.
Peyton Manning - Say what you will about Tom Brady, but he makes it work with whoever he has to throw to. Julius and Emmanuel both go down and Manning is WORTHLESS. I guess it isn't that easy if you don't have incredible players all over the field. This was the biggest upset of the season. 22-7 to the Rams!
ELITE Manning - Somehow, Peyton wasn't even the worst Manning of the day. The way that this family worked yesterday, Cooper was probably killed in a stampede and baked onto one of Papa John's Fritos abortion pizzas.
Teddy Bridgewater - This guy is worse than Geno Smith. Yeah, I said it. The Bears can't cover me and Teddy didn't complete a pass to a WR until the second half. What a loser. By the way, yesterday was the first time in a month that the Bears attempted a field goal. LOL!
High Expectations - Yep, we should have seen this coming. The Browns being in first place was going to last as little time as possible. They were dominated at home by a bad team and basically played as if they didn't have any gameplan other than "turn it over" and "make backups look ELITE" with a little "JJ Watt do whatever you want". Browns are still way more of a pretender than a contender. And yes I will change my opinion on this team from week to week.
Marmalard Rivers - The Chargers beat a shitty Raiders team and it was an awful game. Rivers got his ass kicked which had to delight America. We don't spend much time at all complimenting the Raiders and rightfully so but Khalil Mack is a STUD and probably should be in the Pro Bowl as a rookie.
Not really anyone in the SEA/KC and DET/ARI - Those were two good games and four good teams. The Lions just couldn't get anything going but no one has been able to do much in the desert. I suppose that they guy responsible for covering Michael Floyd sucked. And Damman tells me that Jerome Booger had a bad game. I'm sure that that was true.
Mark "El Shitbox" Sanchez - If you bought into Nacho's redemption story then congrats on being dumb as fuck. This guy isn't winning big road games. I expected the Packers to win big (maybe not THAT big) but I continue to believe that the Eagles are frauds. Don't give them any special teams touchdowns and they are in trouble. Mr. Ace lost an in-house bet to his Packer-molesting wife so I think he spent the evening getting pegged or something. Ape sucks.
FANTASY! - I'm just ignoring my OTHER LEAGUE at this point. It looks like I'm going to beat Prime in the MSFL and Lange in the LFL which will continue my incredible Cinderella story. Burke is going to beat me in the G$FL which sucks because his team blows and no one scored on my team this week. At least I get Josh Gordon and probably Adrian Peterson next week. Good luck, f-sackles.
That will do it for this week's round-up. It looks like the NFL is stuffing the Steelers up our asses again tonight. Well, if they can lose to the Bucs and Jets, completing the triumverate with a loss to the Titans should make for a fun watch, too. FUCK YOU CAKES!