|LOL Coach Lambeau Fields|
Now, if these schools weren't pussies and buttfucking the status quo forever, Steve Spurrier, Pat Fitzgerald, Mike Leach, and Kirk Ferentz would also be gone because at some point, you have to move on. And it isn't going to be the coach. If they are not living up to expectations, then wipe your ass with their past. Get out. I'm especially talking about Spurrier who has barely worked at all since moving to Columbia.
Anyway, I want to spend today acting like a big shot up and coming coach who has offers at all five of those open (or soon to be) jobs. I have not paid my dues at all. I just walked in to practice at ELITE University four years ago with a whistle, clipboard, skin tight short coaching shorts, a boner for up-downs, and a plan to win. And boy did I. My teams run the pro style offense to perfection while destroying the opposition with punt block on every play. Most are envious of my successes at ELITE U but there are still some skeptics. I've got offers on my ribs table from Kansas, Illinois, Virginia, Michigan, and Florida. Which one is best for Commander G$ (shedding the Coach label for one with more respect)?
PRO: Absolutely no shoes to fill...I am immediately the best coach in school history...no expectations whatsoever...less fat than 2 of the three previous coaches and way less black than the other one...KUBoobs
CON: It's fucking Kansas...it will always be a basketball school...I assume that there is no talent
PRO: Play in terrible conference...Midwest is a fertile recruiting territory...good history for the program...also very small shoes to fill...outstanding fight song
CON: Middle of nowhere...awful stadium...long considered a dead end job
PRO: None...uh, I bet the schools are good maybe
CON: Everything else...extremely high STATE TAX...this program has been irrelevant forever
PRO: Replacing an idiot...I'm told that there is talent...very rich history that every fan will remind you of even if you didn't ask...good facilities...garbage conference allows for quick turnaround
CON: Most of the good players are in jail...idiotic fanbase and boosters who have openly rooted against the last two coaches for the most part...absolutely zero juice in the program...no QB...unrealistic expectations
PRO: SEC SEC SEC...if I'm the best (and I am), prove it here...NO STATE TAX...unlimited recruiting resources...savage defense already in place...no shoes to fill...Tebow's speech plaque
CON: Iceman season ticket holder...no QB...ridiculous expectations of national titles immediately...insane competition...might have to work hard to best ELITE coaching in the conference
VERDICT! We can eliminate Kansas and Virginia ASAP. No way is the Commander from ELITE U taking a step down to go there. I'm also going to pass on Florida due to not wanting to work that hard and the Iceman Factor. That leaves Michigan and Illinois. Either one of these shitbag schools is paying me 5 million a year no matter what. ELITE don't come cheap. I like a challenge but I hate being second-guessed and criticized by assholes which means I'm going to partner up with Chief Illiniwek. Look, Champaign has been a place for decent coaches to die for decades now but I actually think it is a good job if they would ever hire the right Commander. With a little elbow grease, you should OWN the area from Chicago to Indy to Nashville to St. Louis. That's a pretty big area to mine for players with little in the way of competition (fuck you, Notre Dame). I know that my superior intellect and schemes will win most games but you need talent to win them all. I'll get that easily once I institute a brilliant system of booster handouts that would make Jimbo Fisher blush.
So there you have it: Commander G$ is taking over the Illinois Football Program not because it is the best job, but because it is the best fit with the largest room for growth and the lowest amount of knuckle-dragging mouth-breather fans. And if it doesn't work out, fuck it, I'm still way more ELITE than you. Do you agree with my pros and cons? Would you take a different job in the scenario played out in front of you? How OVERRATED would your team be? Discuss.