Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Open Forum: Your Preferred Coaching Job

LOL Coach Lambeau Fields
I've made it pretty clear here over the years that I am one of football's finest minds (to go along with every other sport obvz) and thus I know when someone sucks and needs to go.  I LOVE the season for firing coaches.  There are very few feelings better than getting rid of a shithead and trying to figure out who the knew guy will be.  So far this college football season, we've already gotten rid of Charlie Weis and Will Muschamp this year (as well as June Jones but fuck him).  That simply isn't enough.  I think that the writing is on the wall for The Hokester, Tim Beckman, and Mike Locksley at Virginia though.  Other than that, in the Power 5 conferences, I just don't see many firings come down the line.  I feel cheated.

Now, if these schools weren't pussies and buttfucking the status quo forever, Steve Spurrier, Pat Fitzgerald, Mike Leach, and Kirk Ferentz would also be gone because at some point, you have to move on.  And it isn't going to be the coach.  If they are not living up to expectations, then wipe your ass with their past.  Get out.  I'm especially talking about Spurrier who has barely worked at all since moving to Columbia.

Anyway, I want to spend today acting like a big shot up and coming coach who has offers at all five of those open (or soon to be) jobs.  I have not paid my dues at all.  I just walked in to practice at ELITE University four years ago with a whistle, clipboard, skin tight short coaching shorts, a boner for up-downs, and a plan to win.  And boy did I.  My teams run the pro style offense to perfection while destroying the opposition with punt block on every play.  Most are envious of my successes at ELITE U but there are still some skeptics.  I've got offers on my ribs table from Kansas, Illinois, Virginia, Michigan, and Florida.  Which one is best for Commander G$ (shedding the Coach label for one with more respect)?

Kansas
PRO: Absolutely no shoes to fill...I am immediately the best coach in school history...no expectations whatsoever...less fat than 2 of the three previous coaches and way less black than the other one...KUBoobs
CON: It's fucking Kansas...it will always be a basketball school...I assume that there is no talent

Illinois
PRO: Play in terrible conference...Midwest is a fertile recruiting territory...good history for the program...also very small shoes to fill...outstanding fight song
CON: Middle of nowhere...awful stadium...long considered a dead end job

Virginia
PRO: None...uh, I bet the schools are good maybe
CON: Everything else...extremely high STATE TAX...this program has been irrelevant forever

Michigan
PRO: Replacing an idiot...I'm told that there is talent...very rich history that every fan will remind you of even if you didn't ask...good facilities...garbage conference allows for quick turnaround
CON: Most of the good players are in jail...idiotic fanbase and boosters who have openly rooted against the last two coaches for the most part...absolutely zero juice in the program...no QB...unrealistic expectations

Florida
PRO: SEC SEC SEC...if I'm the best (and I am), prove it here...NO STATE TAX...unlimited recruiting resources...savage defense already in place...no shoes to fill...Tebow's speech plaque
CON: Iceman season ticket holder...no QB...ridiculous expectations of national titles immediately...insane competition...might have to work hard to best ELITE coaching in the conference

VERDICT!  We can eliminate Kansas and Virginia ASAP.  No way is the Commander from ELITE U taking a step down to go there.  I'm also going to pass on Florida due to not wanting to work that hard and the Iceman Factor.  That leaves Michigan and Illinois.  Either one of these shitbag schools is paying me 5 million a year no matter what. ELITE don't come cheap.  I like a challenge but I hate being second-guessed and criticized by assholes which means I'm going to partner up with Chief Illiniwek.  Look, Champaign has been a place for decent coaches to die for decades now but I actually think it is a good job if they would ever hire the right Commander.  With a little elbow grease, you should OWN the area from Chicago to Indy to Nashville to St. Louis.  That's a pretty big area to mine for players with little in the way of competition (fuck you, Notre Dame).  I know that my superior intellect and schemes will win most games but you need talent to win them all.  I'll get that easily once I institute a brilliant system of booster handouts that would make Jimbo Fisher blush.

So there you have it: Commander G$ is taking over the Illinois Football Program not because it is the best job, but because it is the best fit with the largest room for growth and the lowest amount of knuckle-dragging mouth-breather fans.  And if it doesn't work out, fuck it, I'm still way more ELITE than you.  Do you agree with my pros and cons?  Would you take a different job in the scenario played out in front of you?  How OVERRATED would your team be?  Discuss.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'd take the Michigan job just to see if I could do worse than Hoke.

Stuck the flag all the way up your asses and turned it a few times for good measure last night. What a glorious night at Nationwide Arena.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Yeah, that was a gross performance. Probably the biggest upset in the history of sports imo.

Drool, you seem to think that you know the Big Ten. Can Illinois be saved as I believe it can?

Mr. Ace said...

Illinois is going to have to get a truly ELITE coach/recruiter to take over that area. And I don't think they can.

Michigan is the obvs choice because nobody wants to compete in the SEC if they don't have to.

Anonymous said...

I think the Ilini could be decent...like a Michigan in a good year...but, LMBO at the thought of them challenging for the conference.

--Drew

GMoney said...

With me and Red Grange's ghost in charge, you better believe we're winning multiple titles.

Anonymous said...

As the Big East beat reporter, I am pleased to announce that they suffered their first loss as a conference last night when Marquette got fucked up by a surprisingly deep OSU team. Amir Thompson scored double digits!

LOLZ Kansas.

Ide

GMoney said...

No shit on Kansas. I watched all of the surprisingly decent Sons of Anarchy and in that time, KU scored maybe 6 points.

Today is MSFL Trade Deadline today. Why we're doing it less than two weeks before the playoffs, I have no idea. FEED THE CROW will feast in the postseason for my team.

Anonymous said...

Illinois over Florida? C'mon dont be dumb. Do you like being a nobody?

Florida is the obvious pick here.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Oh and two things from last night...

Okafor is as good as advertised. That kid's post moves are legit and things you really dont see anymore with big guys. Dudes going to be great.

Kentucky is really good. They have 8-10 future NBA players on their team. Kansas is good and got smoked. UK had as many blocks as Kansas did field goals. Yikes.

Seal

MUDawgfan said...

I've always thought basketball schools were awesome destinations for talented football coaches.

NC State and UNC (minus NCAA probation/suspension) are ideal jobs.
Located in the south where recruiting is fertile, great college towns, no expectations to win more than 7-9 games a year.
Boosters have a stroke if you sneak out wins over Clemson, Miami, or FSU once ever five years. Compete for a ACC Title every three years and run a clean program.

Make 600k+ per year and retire in luxury as the schools winning-est coach. Fucking simple.

GMoney said...

Illinois over Florida? C'mon dont be dumb. Do you like being a nobody?

Love ya, Seal, but read what I fucking wrote. It isn't a better job but it is easier and with 110% less Iceman in the stands.

Anonymous said...

Yea I guess I still took it as you would seriously take the Illinois job. Give me a break, I'm sick.

Seal

Nibbles said...

Fire Spurrier?

Look at South Carolina's football "history" prior to Spurrier being there. The guy has brought unprecedented consistency to that program while giving 50% effort.

He chose SC over Florida so he could give coach while lowering his handicap.

GMoney said...

Yes, fire Spurrier. He is underachieving. That is a FACT.

Grumpy said...

Why don't you just take the Indiana job and be done with it?

T. Iceman said...

The Florida job seems the most attractive out of all of those. Michigan is a close second. The SEC east is clearly the weaker of the 2 divisions and you don't have to travel far to get the best recruits. Be more competent than Muschamp and you have a real good chance to play for the SEC title every year. Not to mention the weather right now is phenomenal.

This is cracking me up. When we decided to make this move, we had a lot of people telling us we couldn't go, we'll miss you, blah blah blah. Whatever. Don't care. Anyway...a lot of people were like, "You'll miss the snow. It's one of the great things about the Midwest." LOLOLOL. First of all. Fuck the snow. I had 34 years of snow. I'll miss snow as much as AP's kid has missed getting his nuts lacerated by a tree branch. Second...these same twats have done nothing but bitch on Facebook about how much the snow sucks and how cold it is in Ohio. Yeah...sounds like I'll TOTES miss the snow. Fuck off.

GMoney said...

Holding out for that soon to be vacated IU hoops coaching job.

Jeff said...

Jackets woof.

If Muschamp could've gotten a competent QB in his years he would still be around. No coach, college or pro has ever stuck around very long without an above average QB at some point.

Prime99 said...

Forget CFB and coaching, for that matter. I want Rick Reteria's contract. Manage a bad baseball team for one year with zero expectations, then do nothing for two years to get paid a few mill. That's the dream.

Prime99 said...

Snow is OVERRATED. Very happy to live in an area that lacks snow.

GMoney said...

The snow isn't the issue for me. It's the goddamn negative wind chill in mid November than can suck everyone's dick.

Mike Brown has a better gig than Renteria. He's getting paid millions by TWO teams!

GMoney said...

Jason Collins just retired from the NBA to spend more time with Ide. This just proves that gays can't hack it in sports imo.

Anonymous said...

Isn't Charlie Weis getting paid by three teams now? ND, Florida and Kansas? Maybe not Florida but isn't ND paying him for like the next 4 years still?

-Damman

GMoney said...

Probably not Florida as I think he left to go to Kansas as opposed to getting fired.

My favorite forever is that the Mets are still paying Bobby Bonilla and will be for another decade. LOL!