Thursday, November 20, 2014

Open Forum: I Had an Interview

She seems friendly
I had an interview yesterday after work that I didn't think was going to come about so quickly. But it did, and lasted forever, and it's late now and I don't feel like putting forth a bunch of effort for you neanderthals.

I'll talk a little bit about my opportunity to get away from the anus of our society, but I thought that interviews were an interesting open forum subject that we have never discussed here. So what was your worst interview? What was your best? Like did you ever have an "AHA moment" during an interview where you just knew your answer was fucking brilliant? I had one of those last night and it was great. And maybe Damman will explain the never ending gravitational pull that Naptown has over former residents.

My worst interview ever had to be right after I graduated from Toledo and was still looking for employment in the city. I applied to some Cardinal Health position...I'm sure it was some sort of case worker. But my interview was in the hood and I lied my ass off on my application because it was a last ditch effort to not move back in with my parents.

The biggest lie I told on this application was that I was fluent in Spanish. Now at the time of graduating I could grasp some Spanish. I took it for 3 years in high school, and another 3 semesters in college, but I was far from fluent. So the first part of the interview went fine. I had some pretty solid internship experiences in undergrad and a couple letters of recommendation from experienced professors, one of which was a Johns Hopkins grad and allowed me to do quite a bit of research for her. Talking about those experiences seemed to resonate with the lady interviewing me. Then about halfway through this little spanish conquistador comes walking through and I am informed that the next part of the interview will be conducted in Spanish and talk about the clients I will be serving in the neighborhood, with the majority being Latino. Oh man, I put up a good fight. Every word started with either "Yo tengo" or "Yo no tengo" and then just went to hell with a bunch of spanglish mixed together. She was a good sport about it, though. She didn't just out me and tell me to get the fuck out. She just smiled as a stumbled through all this bullshit and then politely told me they would call me if I was chosen. Surprise! Yo no tengo trabajo!

That's the only interview that I know I bombed. I'm sure there are several people out there who had the pleasure of interviewing me who disagree.

As far as my newest opportunity goes, it is a welcome relief compared to what I typically have to deal with. I spent my work day before the interview being in restraints for a combined 2 hours. That's two hours of having to physically control elementary school students. And one of those hours was spent with kid who came to our school for the first time today! He went an impressive 3 hours before finally giving up. He also had incredible placement of his heel strikes. George St. Pierre would be proud.

 I'll still be working with people in need of mental health assistance, but these people will already be gainfully employed and not in need of basic needs like housing, transportation, food or crack. So we'll see where this goes. My facebook posts/ work stories will be much less interesting if something does come of this. I will also have less bruises and spit on me. A tough decision will need to be made.

Other ideas for conversation:
- The Spurs probably dominated the Cavs at the Q last night. CHAMPIONSHIP! Cavs announcers are fucking awful. Pop's still the greatest. (HAAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. #ANTI-CLUTCH)
- The Rockets probably dominated the FaLOLcons last night and protested the GLASS BOWL. CHAMPIONSHIP! #MACtion
- The NFL and Roger Goodell are handling the Adrian Peterson situation...however the fuck they want.
- The CFB Playoff committee's rankings look exactly how they should; Bama, Oregon, FSU, and Miss St. in the top 4. The Buttguys are dependent on other teams losing, but odds are they will get their shot if they win out. I really hope that doesn't happen.
OK. Comment.
- Dog stories are always welcome, too.
- Best Mexican dish: A. Taco B. Enchilada. C. Quesadilla D. Burrito E. Chimichanga. DEBATE.


Anonymous said...

Good topic....topic is good.

I had a ton of interviews from Fall of 13' to Spring of 14' while looking for a new job. So, I got to see a lot of different aspects of this process.

Worst: I was interviewing for a job where I had already had multiple interviews with a national HR director over the phone...and one with the manager that I would have been reporting to. The HR lady was super nice and great to deal with...and had revealed that I was the strong front-runner for the position before my face to face interview with the hiring manager. So, I show up to the interview...seemingly nice introductions....he starts the interview and for reasons I still don't understand...I couldn't talk. It was like my throat closed I was able to say enough to get out that I could use some water and blamed it on a cold. But, I don't think I ever recovered from that...the damage was that interview and never heard from him again. With the way everything worked out, I look at it as a blessing in disguise.

Best interview: About a month or so later I had a roundtable interview for a logistics job at a paper plant. There were five guys there interviewing and I just destroyed it. Every answer was perfect and I knew I was just rolling. It was something to behold...I felt like it could have gone on for 8 hours and I wasn't going to give a bad answer. They ended up offering me the was one of three offers that I got in one day which was just a wild day. I ended up turning them down and felt bad doing it as they didn't go down without trying to make me change my mind...but, I GOTS TO DO ME.

The one thing I learned through interviewing is that I despise HR people. They are so full of shit...and just don't give a damn about you even though you'd really like to get updates on things in the process.

Why are you limiting these Mexican choices to those four? OBVZ there are other things on a Mexican menu better than those. But, if I must choose....I'd go with the taco. I could eat good tacos every day.


Anonymous said...

First off, your Mexican question is A & B, preferably in a combo platter. Burritos are from Texas, as are Chimichangas (deep fried burritos), You dipshit.

My worst interview actually came a few months ago. Before I hop into it, it should be noted that I am insanely good at networking and people personing (made up term). Think Big Tom Callahan.

So, I get an interview with an asset management firm. I show up on time and everything, and get a glimpse of my competition. He lives with his parents. Fag. So, I get in there and hand him my resume. He laughs. Big mistake. My resume is quite literally a work of art. My current, and also my upcoming, bosses were floored by it.

So he picks things out on my resume and makes comments. After the second one, I am fucking furious. So, he asks, "Oh, so I see here that it says you make your own schedule, that must be so hard for you, please, heh heh, walk me through that"

"I wake up every morning at 5 AM, I am at the gym by 6 AM, and at the office by 7:30 every day, please tell me, what time do you wake up?!"

"Umm, not that early."

"Oh, so I keep better hours than you, next question."

"Heh, what would you say your salary is, being all commission?!"

"Way more than you, before and after taxes. Want to compare?"


"Guess not, next question."

"Pop quiz, hotshot."


He then asks me a simple question that I have every answer for (I won't bore you with the details). After I COMPLETELY answer it, in its entirety, the asshole goes, you are missing a big one, "HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A PROFIT AND LOSS STATEMENT?"

My blood is beyond boiling.

I refute every word of his questions with real life situations that his own company uses. I make my original case crystal fucking clear, and reiterate to him just how wrong his question was.

He backtracks by saying, "Oh, I guess I see where you are coming from."

I then fucking dress him down like a 5 year old. I rail into him, calling him every name in the book. I talk to him like he is my son, and make him feel like he is the dumbest person on the fucking block. I then ask to speak to his manager, because, hopefully, he, and I quote, "knows what the fuck he is talking about, since you have the competency of a Bellevue reject."

He gets super flustered, and now I am just antagonizing him beyond belief. So I start asking him questions about his company THAT HE CAN'T FUCKING ANSWER. He cuts me short on the fourth question. I get the rejection email within 2 hours from HR in fucking Denver. It was glorious.


Mr. Ace said...

Nobody believes Ide's stories, right? OK.

I went with those MEXICAN options because they seems to be the most common with tortillas. Every time I go a Mexican place I end up getting a chimichanga. I mean a burrito would be great, but then you can deep fry that shit? Sign me up.

My interview last night had 3 ladies in the office with me and then 4 on the phone in Cleveland. My boyish charm was on full display. Also being able to literally LOL when they asked how I would handle work stress there was great. But Drew my experience was very similar to yours, there wasn't a hang up. Before I walked out of the interview they asked when I could go to Cleveland and meet the CEO. Definitely felt good to dominate, and be around people that were competent.

GMoney said...

That dog GIF has some hidden meaning. I think it is saying that the biggest pussy here is going to dominate the comments today. Here's a pre-emptive good job to Dut!

All Mexican food is pretty much the delicious same it just depends on your meat and "holder" of said meat. Incredible nonetheless.

Napoleon does have this weird Rand University vibe to it, doesn't it? The lure of FagNasty is very strong.

Interviewing blows. All of these companies should take one look at me and say "Yep, this man is ELITE. You are hired." without all of the nonsense vague questions that are almost always #IdeLies anyway. FACT.

Ide takes interviews and then spends the entire time bullying the interviewer. Yeah, nothing unbelievable about that. Such a people person!

Anonymous said...

Yeah the #IdeLies are flowing today. That was a doozy.

I don't really have a great interview story. I've had a couple times where they have asked a question that really throws me for a loop but I end up just BS-ing long enough that a great answer just comes to me at the last moment. You think, "Wow, I just pulled that out of my ass." Good feeling.

The lure of Naptown is too great. I'd say the deciding factor was the Spengs cheesburger.


Jeff said...

Ide, I'm sure the guy was thrown off when he saw Paul Pierce listed under your references.

Prime99 said...

"Ide, I'm sure the guy was thrown off when he saw Paul Pierce listed under your references."

Bravo, Jeff!

I had interview on Monday and it went quite well. It appeared that every answer I went with went over as well as Ide's answers go over in his own head. It's with a public entity so I haven't heard back yet, but damn it felt good to crush an interview like that.


Nibbles said...

When I moved back to Naptown for my brief one year stint, I interviewed with the larger accounting firm in the area. The interview seemed like it was going well, but I was being given the "we'll let you know" type talk towards the end.

So, on the way out the lead partner that was interviewing me made small talk and asked me what my plans were the rest of the day I was in town. I did not travel to Napoleon to be patronized with rube small talk, so I just said "I have another interview right after this with ".

Although that was an #IdeLie, it caused the partner to ask me to wait in the lobby for a moment. After taking five minutes to talk about things behind closed doors with the other partners, he walked back out and offered me the job.

Sometimes #IdeLies do work.

Nibbles said...

^I omitted the name of my next interview, but it was the largest competitor of the company I was at.

GMoney said...

It's only an #IdeLie if it involves Eli Manning and/or Judy Greer. So unless your fake interview was with an ELITE QB, that does not qualify as an #IdeLie.

GMoney said...

By the way, all of this interview advice may come in handy for Jack Johnson who Porty revealed today has filed for bankruptcy after pissing away 18 million (plus future earnings) in horrible investments. Carry The Flag, Jack!

T. Iceman said...

Jeff. You get the LOL of the day for that Paul Pierce comment. Well done.

I've never bombed any interviews that I can remember. I've always been a pretty good interviewee. Plus I don't lie on my resume about being fluent in Spanish so I have nothing to hide going in.

What I CAN do, is tell you about interviews I conducted that people have bombed. In my previous job, I was in charge of hiring in my specific region. Managers would interview candidates, filter the best ones, then call me so I could give the final yea or nay. The way our region was constructed was quite odd. We were lumped in with all of the stores in Michigan for some reason...Detroit I encountered some very interesting characters along the way.

Most showed up in jeans. Or sweatpants. One girl brought her baby to the interview. No shit. She said she couldn't find a baby sitter and didn't know what else to do.

When I asked some of the candidates to tell me about a difficult customer and how they handled it, most would swear while reenacting the moment. Some would swear a lot. They found it to be hilarious while reliving that moment.

I had another girl answer her cell phone in the middle of the interview. That was pretty amazing. I think it was her ex-baby daddy because she whisper-yelled into the phone "I'm at a job interview. I'm not doing this right now."

I've had people reveal things to me in an interview that have no business being there. One girl told me she was sexually abused as a child. Another revealed to me that she was newly a lesbian and had just moved in with her girlfriend. Not sure how this applies to the job...but GREAT!

I loved giving interviews. I never knew what was going to walk through that door next.

GMoney said...

Wow...that Jack Johnson story...nice fucking parenting there stealing millions from your kid and making him broke.

Anonymous said...

The unemployed guy is a great interviewee, says the unemployed guy.

Grumpy said...

My wife, before semi-retiring last year, was her company's HR Director for 16 years. The stories from her side of the desk top anything you can come up with.

GMoney said...

I learned right here this week that nothing tops Larry's hiring practices..."blow me and the job is yours, Mexican broad".

Or something like that.

Prime99 said...

I used to conduct interviews for student employees and full time employees at my previous job. Many stories, but here a few funny ones:

- two Asian guys show up to interview for the student positions. they are obviously friends and scheduled their interviews back to back. The first shows up in a tie and was respectable but not a great interview. The second shows up in a Jimi Hendrix t shirt and also had a mediocre interview. I was always mind boggled by the second guy's choice in attire. He had to know he was an immediatel disadvantage, right? Neither got jobs.

- interviewing for full time staff and a woman came in, found out I was the supervisor, then answered every question with full eye contact on me, ignored the rest of the panel completely.

- dude shows up with larger than Elvis hair, and a flamboyant suit. He was funny, but no job for him.

- a lady got way too personal with her answers and wasn't qualified to boot. I called her to notify her that she didn't get the job and she said, "aww sweetie, I know." At least she had some self awareness.

Anonymous said...

Out of all the #IdeLies in that big #IdeLie....why is "set my own schedule" on this amazing (LOLZ) resume of yours?


T. Iceman said...

Where would "extensive collection of raw denim" show up on a resume?

Anonymous said...

"Out of all the #IdeLies in that big #IdeLie....why is "set my own schedule" on this amazing (LOLZ) resume of yours?"

Boilerplate mostly, but most jobs in the financial sector run on 60+ hour weeks here, and if you look at a lot of the prerequisites on jobs here, it comes up A LOT. Work/life balance is a sticking point on almost every bad review of jobs out here. So to reiterate that I may be working until midnight some days never hurts.

To be fair, it has never came up, and I was pretty incredulous when it did.


Anonymous said...

"Where would "extensive collection of raw denim" show up on a resume?"

How hard is the interview for unemployment and welfare?


T. Iceman said...

Who said I was still unemployed?

Anonymous said...

Ide said you are still unemployed.

If we are giving interviewing stories....we had to go up to Cleveland and interview some people for an open rail yard position a few months ago. Normally HR would handle this but time was of the essence and they were booked. So, like Iceman noted about Detroit...we got some real gems strolling through. But, one guy took the cake. He had a couple felonies for bad checks or something like that...nothing that should really cost him an hourly job unloading rail cars. But, he was a mess of a dude...and probably mentioned the felonies five times because I would assume he doesn't get many interviews automatically after checking that box. Anyways, at the end of the interview when he was walking out he asked about the background check...and he was like "Of course you'll see those felonies. But, if you see anything else...from like 12 or 13 years ago...I just don't remember that". It took a ton of effort for me to bite my tongue and not openly laugh at him for that comment. My boss wasn't willing to even send his stuff back for a background check, which pissed me off because I really wanted to know what happened "12 or 13 years ago" that he just "doesn't remember".


T. Iceman said...

That unknown incident from 12 or 13 years ago has to bother you, Drew. You can't leave a man hangin like that.

Prime99 said...

That's got to hurt Drew immensely with his love of FACT checking.