Friday, November 21, 2014

G$ Ranks Dysfunction

How's my new Death Star coming, Darth?
Have you been following this week's drama/diarrhea surrounding my Warrrrrrshington Redskins?  Hoo boy, it's been a real blast.  You see, there is a big difference between rooting for a shitty team and rooting for the shitty team in DC.  If you're just a Bills fan or whoever, they just lose and they do it quietly.  But if you are a Redskin, you don't just get embarrassed every week.  Oh no, it is a rule that you stab your teammates/coaches/anyone else in the back for the rest of the week, too.  The losses are only a small part of the shitshow that defines Redskins Football.  I come for the horrible defeats to bad teams but I stay for the media barbs, excuses, and unnecessary blame game. 

I thought that I would end the week with a list.  IMO there are 8 distinct professional franchises in the big four sports that truly embrace dysfunction.  Anyone can lose.  It takes something special to be a door mat AND make your loyal fans want to pull the old Jovan Belcher.  That's who we're going to celebrate today...the Worst of the Worst.  You might be surprised to not see the Dallas Cowboys on this list.  They probably should be due to horrible mismanagement but whatever.  Here's my list:

8. Los Angeles Dodgers - You probably didn't expect to see them here but I think that this is a terribly run organization (although that will likely change soon with that Rays guy coming aboard).  They don't do anything except throw more money at their problems.  Somehow, they have a MUCH higher payroll than the Yankees do but with barely any results to justify the money spent.

7. Toronto Maple Leafs - These are pretty much the Dodgers on Ice.  They will give gigantic contracts to average at best players and haven't won anything in a billion years.  It's funny because they have really loyal and overly sensitive fans who think that they are the league's signature franchise.  Nope, the Leafs are the Maple LOLZ.

6. Philadelphia Phillies - They refuse to rebuild even though everyone has known that they needed to be stripped to the core years ago.  Even now, rumors are flying that everyone is finally available but the asking prices for Lee, Hamels, Rollins, Byrd, Howard, etc. are through the goddamn roof.

5. Washington Redskins - The owner is a fucking imbecile.  The GM Bruce Allen is a dolt who got this job via nepotism.  We have the inferior Gruden coaching who is WAY too honest to the media and then always has to apologize for said honesty.  Jim Haslett is apparently unfireable even though he is the worst.  The QB blames everyone, can't stay healthy, and loses the locker room a little more every day.  The Redskins currently have a top ten offense AND a top ten defense and are 3-7.  THIS.  TEAM.  SUCKS.

4. Los Angeles Lakers - When you are paying an 80 year old Kobe Bryant 25 million dollars and have Byron Scott as the head coach, you are a rotten organization.  Jerry Buss's son has all the makings of a Simple Jack reincarnated.

3. Oakland Raiders - You knew these guys were showing up today.  No Coach.  A GM who will be getting fired.  A Heisman winning QB that probably isn't the answer.  They have a terrific young LB and that is about it.  This team has somehow drafted worse than the Redskins.  I didn't think that that was possible.

2. Philadelphia 76ers - They tell their fans that they are trying to win.  Somehow they do this with a straight face.  This team could easily go 5-77 this year.  And for what?  They are now on their second straight tank season and the NBA just made it harder for the worst team to win the lottery (even then, the worst team hardly ever gets the #1 pick).  They keep spending high picks on injured big men.  The people who decided that this was the right path will be fired long before this strategy shows any promise.  I feel awful for those fans.

1. New York Jets - Without question, the Jets are the most dysfunctional franchise in sports.  Their soon to be fired head coach once had a sex scandal with his wife's feet.  How this is possible I will never know.  The owner's lesbo daughter committed suicide before.  They haven't had a decent QB in 40 years.  Fireman Ed can get fucked so hard.  Their fans only exist to yell "SHOW YOUR TITS" at football games and to boo whoever they draft even if the player is good.  They are a little brother in a stadium that they have to share.  LOL Plaxico Burress.

I'm sure that there will be some blow back (Sons of Anarchy term!) for not having the Redskins at #1.  I get that.  But I do believe that there are 4 franchises right now being run worse than my own or at least more embarrassingly.  One thing is certain, RG3 better get his shit together these last six weeks.  I don't know what the future holds for him, but he is beginning to lose any and all defenders in DC (including me).  See you on Monday.

24 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

The Raiders and the Sixers might be worse than the Skins, but nobody else is close. The Jets aren't run great, but a lot of their circus comes from being in NY and a coach that is blowhard...but nobody denies his ability to coach. RG3 and Dan Snyder are the face of your franchise, it doesn't get any worse than that.

Grumpy said...

RGIII has already lost the locker room. And he's the Derrick Rose of football. Time to move on.

GMoney said...

I'm almost there, too, Grump. But I think he has one more year on his rookie contract. It's not like we're on the precipice of greatness anyway. Let him play it out. DO NOT EXTEND HIM BEFORE YOU HAVE TO.

The Jets are run the worst. FACT. The fans are buying billboards to fire everyone and airplane messages to nuke the team. That says a lot...like, why aren't Skins fans doing the same???

GMoney said...

Looks like Shook's Son is back in Ohio. Who will be the lucky commenter to receive his seed this weekend?

T. Iceman said...

The Raiders are number one and number two isn't close. At least the Jets have been to an AFC championship game in recent memory.

They threw a stat up last night that had the Raiders last in every category. I don't know what those categories were because I just assumed the graphic had one category and that category read, "Everything that has to do with football - Raiders, last"

Speaking of last night's game. So many good LULZ going on. First. Phil SEEEEEEMS called Dwayne Bowe a star WR. Does SEEMS even know what that word means?

Next, on a play that defines who the Raiders are...on a game clinching 4th down play, the defense had 3 penalties on 3 different guys. I didn't think it got more Raiders than that. But then...

Alex SMIFF gets sacked on 3rd down and two fuck head Raider defenders started to celebrate 20 yards behind the line of scrimmage while KC scurried to snap the ball. Lucky for Oakland they had at least one guy who knows what it's like to play real football for a real team and was able to call timeout while tweedle dick face and tweedle dumb shit did their thing. The only thing that would have made that moment more Raiders is if the penalty was called and KC scored and won on the very next play. God, I wanted that to happen so bad.

I have a buddy who is in a survivor league that started with about 1,000 people. He's now 1 of 11 people left after that game last night. The grand prize is 20K if only one is left in at the end. If multiple people are in at the end they split the pot. He has only $20 invested. Right now his pick is valued at roughly $1,800. He has people coming at him to sell his pick to them. Here's my question...Do you ride that shit out and go for the glory? Or do you sell the pick and walk away? If you choose to sell...how much would it take to sell that pick?

GMoney said...

Yes, the Raiders sure did an ELITE job of trying to lose but luckily Captain Checkdown had other things in mind. The three penalties on a play that took maybe 2 seconds was great but the absurd Seau-esque celebrating was the most LOL moment of the year. Justin Tuck was so pissed.

I agree with Common Man though. The Raiders have fantastic uniforms.

Tony Sparano looks like such a douche bag. I want him to lose every game just because of how he looks.

Iceman, that is an interesting sitch. He's got to be running out of decent plays. Give me $2500 and I'd bail.

MUfan said...

I'd take $2,000 for it.

GMoney said...

You guys following this Bill Cosby stuff? Christ, this asshole should have been stuffed into a prison cell a long ass time ago.

Anonymous said...

MUFan...tell your stalker story.

Janice Dickinson should not be allowed to accuse anyone of anything.

Michigan is paying Brady Hoke $4M a year to clap. They should be #1.

--Drew

Jeff said...

Browns should be on here.

$2000 would do for survivor pick. Does depend on the teams left though. I won a pool a couple years ago and hedged my pick the final week. I had the Chargers at home against the TP led raiders. Put a few hundo on the raiders money line. Raiders almost came back and won. Best bet I ever made.

GMoney said...

Well guess who just stopped by my desk...none other than the wobbler himself, DUT! What a way to start the weekend...

Anonymous said...

I heard this morning that Papa John's was running some special in Philadelphia that you get 50% off if the 76ers win. They recently changed it to you get the discount as long as the 76ers score 90 pts, win or lose

-Ohio Nate

Prime99 said...

I really wish that Raiders sack dance lead to them losing. That would've been glorious.

$3k and above would be enough for me to forgo the chance at $20k. He gets $1.8k right now if he loses the next game, right? I need a premium of some sort and $200 isn't enough.

T. Iceman said...

Last man or men standing gets to split what's there, Prime. If he loses next week and there's at least one person left in he gets nothing. 20K divided by 11 (the number of people now left) is roughly $1800. That's how my buddy is determining value of the pick. Also...the guy running it doesn't do spreads and you can bet the same team every week if you want. You guys still selling the pick for $2,000 to $2,500? I'm not saying I wouldn't but I have to think that makes a difference in wether or not to sell.

GMoney said...

Wait--you can pick the same team multiple times? That's not how these things are supposed to work, guy that none of us knows. Personally, I know that I would blow it so I would take whatever is offered.

Yeah, I saw that Papa John lowered his deal which is just amazing. Then again, I want to watch Papa John die.

Looking forward to doing some Naptown drinking with you tomorrow night with The Beavs, OH Nate!

T. Iceman said...

"That's not how these things are supposed to work, guy that none of us knows"

Yeah. That's what I said. But apparently people love the format hence the over 1,000 participants. And they're looking for more if you anuses want in next year.

MUfan said...

I could use the money now. $2000 for sure, but no lower.

Drew - let me work on it this weekend. It's got some good details on it but it's kind of embarrassing too.

GMoney said...

Not gonna lie...I like the new Torg lunch hour radio show on 95.5. Yeah, I said it.

Grumpy said...

Just because Janice Dickinson has spent half her life in rehab doesn't mean she's lying about this.

You had an initial investment of $20? Stay in and go for it, you pussies.

Anonymous said...

Grumps...doesn't mean she's a beacon of trust either.

MUFan...You posting that story will be one of the top 5 days of 2014 at TMS. Thanks!

--Drew

GMoney said...

It's not just Janice Dickinson though. There are like 500 other people. Big props to the CNN guy that told one of the alleged victims that she should have bitten his dick off though. GREAT ADVICE, BRAH!!!

Grumpy said...

Drew, I'll admit that I wouldn't count on her testimony to convict anyone, but even if she's lying, it's doubtful they all are.

Anonymous said...

I don't think they are all lying either....but, I don't believe her.

--Drew

GMoney said...

But did Cosby rape Bruce Dickinson AKA founder of Iron Maiden???