Friday, November 14, 2014

ENOUGH ALREADY PLEASE BLOW UP THE CAVS

Listen, sheeple, David Blatt is Illuminati!
You know, when LeBron decided to come back home I understood that the attention would be annoying and frustrating.  It sort of comes with the territory.  But we're only six games into the season and I already want to kill myself over the ridiculous and absurd coverage of this team.  Every little thing is being dissected multiple times and it is very, very insufferable.  So I want to spend the day addressing some of the hottest Cavalier takes from around the worldwide web because they are plentiful.

*LeBron looks different and is too passive!
-I spent the entirety of LeBron's first tenure in Ohio making excuses for him so I'm trying not to this time around.  It didn't really work out well for me the other time.  Many are wondering what is wrong with LeBron.  Well, he sort of de-tankified his body in the offseason and I'm sure that that is taking some getting used to.  He's also morphed into some sort of hybrid TRANSCENDENT superstud/coach.  He's right.  There are some really bad habits from the holdovers that need to be fixed on the fly.  I'm not sure if "watching them fail" is the right way to deal with that though.  In conclusion, come on, bruh...this is LeBron and he is going to be fine.  I just assume that he is trying too hard at the start of the season.

*Kyrie needs to pass the ball or they're going to trade him!
-After that weird 0 assist game in Utah, hot takes lisp king Bill Plaschke said that the Cavs should get rid of him and Kornheiser wants him traded for Rondo.  After one poor game.  Look, Kyrie ain't John Stockton.  He isn't going to rack up 15 APG.  He's going to shoot and he will score.  He and Rose have a lot in common in regards to how they play the position.  Does Kyrie need to tweak his game?  Absolutely but overreacting isn't going to help.  News flush: the Cavs don't have the on-court chemistry at the moment to be delivering huge assist totals.  That will come in time but right now they're playing a lot of isolation garbage ball because they don't fully trust each other yet.

*Dion Waiters is a flag-burning terrorist!
-If you missed this one, get ready for a doozy.  Waiters is apparently a re-born Muslim and was not on the floor for the national anthem last week.  He then later changed his story and said that he lost track of time getting ready (which means he was taking a shit because what the hell else could it be).  Does Dion Waiters hate America?  Why would one's religion impact his feelings on the country that has made him a one percenter?  Dion is going to be the fall guy all year and things like this aren't helping people come around on him.  Stop being a distraction, Muslim Michael Sam.

*Kevin Love is going to opt out after this year and go to the Lakers!
-Bulls beat reporter and Michael Jordan's blowjob jockey, Sam Smith, just threw this nugget into the news and notes section of an unrelated post so you know that it is HOT GOSS.  Did everyone enjoy the Kevin Love In Cleveland Era?  Because apparently it is already over!  This is the dumbest.  I mean, seriously, where is the integrity?  I fully do expect Love to opt out after this year.  Why wouldn't he?  But NOBODY is choosing a god awful Lakers team that will be picking in the lottery for at least the next three years and with a horrible coach/GM/owner over playing with LeBron.  NO ONE.  Simmons and Chad Lowe made an interesting point the other day that you are going to continually hear and read a lot of stuff like this in order to hopefully crack the foundation that the Cavs have built.  This rumor though...it ain't working.

*Love and Irving are POTHEADS!
-The other night after the Cavs beat a pretty good Pelicans team, #2 and #0 celebrated with some sort of elaborate handshake that concluded with a pot smoking gesture.  They were called out for it.  The team says that they are mimicking "sharpening a mustache" which is just the greatest absurd excuse ever.  Look, guys, everyone is watching everything that you do now.  Take it easy on the double entendres.  Although I would like to see many more of these win celebrations.

We still have 76 more games to go this year and we already have 5 borderline insane subplots.  Having LeBron back is great but I forgot about the circus that comes along with it.  I'd still rather have this than that not ELITE 27 game losing streak from four years ago.  The coverage is only going to get worse.  Now if you don't mind, I'm going to spend the rest of the day passively sharpen my mustache and burning the American flag.

17 comments:

GMoney said...

Very amusing that last month, everyone was all about "this is going to take time" and it didn't even take five games for most of those knuckle-draggers to claim this experiment as a FAILURE.

As LeBron quoted Aaron "Big Gay" Rodgers...R-E-L-A-X LOL!

MUDawgfan said...

I'm actually kind of excited to see Ohio State play this weekend. Supposed to be absurdly cold and snowy at TCF Bank Stadium in Minnesota.

Old man Zeke Elliot better plan on getting 30 carries.

Prime99 said...

I'm not going to give full effort on this comment because I don't want to be sore later in life.

GMoney said...

No shit, Prime, what a fucking bitch that Rose guy is. I mean, Jesus Christ, who says stuff like that?

Double E will probably keep doing the Denard and none of the turd suckers will call him out for being lame.

Anonymous said...

Fuck the Cavs and Rose right in their pussies.

MUDawg it's supposed to be dry....but, yes....absurdly cold.

I like it when EzE wears his jersey cropped up so you can see that ab game.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I will fight you for 25K. If you lose you have to do 100 hours at an orphanage. Deal?

GMoney said...

What happens if the guy accepts Marshall's terms? I would call his bluff. The NFLPA would never let that happen and you would look like a real big shot in the process. Win win. Plus, the guy called Marshall's mom a whore and that is always a winning strategy.

Drew loves black abs.

Prime99 said...

Chicago sports figures... Smh.

Jeff said...

Sweet selfie with your cat, G$!

GMoney said...

You better believe it! And I've got some very interesting theories regarding the Blue Jackets that I would like to share with you. I don't want to spoil anything for you but it all leads back the government!

Anonymous said...

Can we be sure to not forgot to add this line to Drew's resume.

- Stalks 18 and under black teen's physical attributes down to the vertical
- regularly visits sites that describe in graphic detail the skills sets and happenings of high school males (pics likely saved to phone/desktop)
- Is aroused when black male collegiate athletes expose their mid-drifts while pounding leather (abs are a plus)

I'm am 100% positive this site has been flagged by the NSA...

- J Saul

GMoney said...

It's a damn shame that Ide doesn't lust for fit black men as much as Drool.

Anonymous said...

Not since I sold my farm...

Big ups to the New England Patriots and their ELITE recognition of their 1,000,000th fan on twitter!

Ide

T. Iceman said...

Apparently the dude Marshall is trying to fight pulled the biggest puss move ever. Told Marshall the Bears need to win 3 more games and he would do it...then made his Twitter private. Fuckin twat.

Drew will suck Elliot's cock for a thousand dollars. Cakes can't watch, though, or he has to pay $100.

The same big, huge, enormous deal was made about the Heat when they struggled at first. And this Cavs roster is insanely better than any roster the Heat had while LeBron was there. Although I pray daily this team fails miserably, I know dark days are ahead and at some point they'll figure it out.

Prime99 said...

Anyone see the Kings lose on that unreal inbounds play by Memphis last night? Mike Malone is a defensive coach yet his players somehow don't guard the the rim with .3 seconds left. Smh

Anonymous said...

J Saul...absolutely fine with those items on the resume.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Don't get me wrong, Ice, I'm loving the relevance and TRANSCENDENCE but all of the hot taeks are really, really annoying.