I had parent/teacher conferences on Monday and Wednesday this week. These are always a real fucking hoot. Let me just give you a little snapshot into the type of parents we get to deal with on a daily basis. On Monday night we had a mother come in with her son for a conference. This boy is on the autism spectrum and all he really wants to talk about is toy trains, or twains as he says. This mom is nuttier than Seal's face after visiting the UK lockerroom. Somehow this mother has been approved to be a substitute teacher in Columbus City Schools, but we make it very clear to her that she is not allowed to sub at our school because she has a kid here. Unfortunately, we share a wing with another neighborhood that she is allowed to sub in.
So this crazy lady shows up Tuesday morning with a sub job for the other school, but comes to our office and says she has a placement at our school for the day. And we did have an opening that day for a sub and our secretary didn't know any better, so she got sent on back. Teachers saw her pretty quickly, safety and security was called, and she exited the building without much of an issue.
Fast forward two hours later, and the district Superintendent is coming through the school and gladhanding acting like he gives a fuck about what we do or can relate to these kids in any way. Well right on time, crazy mom has shown back up and is demanding to go see her child. She is told "No". Repeatedly. Clearly not the type to lay down without a fight, she decides to call the news while standing in the office because....reasons. Right at that time the Superintendent is trying to exit through our office when crazy mom jams her phone in the Superintendent's face and screams, "I'm on the phone with the news, you piece of shit. Don't you go anywhere."
So the cops are called and she ends up getting hauled out in handcuffs. She has one message for the three unlucky kids who happen to be in the hallway as she is leaving, "DON'T LET THEM RIP YOUR HEART OUT!" I cannot stress to you how fucking fantastic it was watching those kids' faces. And then to top it all of the cops call the kids grandmother to come pick the kid up from school. The grandmother says, "You might be an impostor. I can't trust you," and hangs up on the cop. The cop proclaims the family crazy and the kid spends the night with Children's Services. Just another Tuesday morning.
So I have some rules for all you breeders when it comes to attending these parent/teacher conferences in the future:
1. Don't Show Up Higher Than Giraffe Pussy. Yesterday I had a meeting with a mom at 3:20 PM. She showed up blazed out of her fucking mind. Like, you thought she was hiding a skunk in her jacket. She had to be hotboxing all the way to the school. She literally said 5 words during this 20 minute meeting. A 20 minute meeting about her son being a fucking giant 4th grader, seriously the largest 4th grader I've seen, and flipping tables when he gets upset with his teacher. Mom just sits there stone-faced, occasionally looking over at her son and shaking head. If you show up high to your parent/teacher conference you are no good to your child or the teacher. Just sleep it off. (But for realz, if this kid can find a decent adult in his life he is a guaransheed D1 athlete. I should Michael Oher him.)
2. Don't Threaten Your Kid. Sometimes the information that these parents get can really piss them off. For example, Melsharrodante(seriously) has been telling us for the last two weeks that you went back to jail. I understand how you might want to strangle your child, I truly do, but you can't say that. "I'm going to beat the shit out of you" earns you an immediate call to Children's Services, and a subsequent home visit. Whoop that ass at home, if you're lazy(BOOM), but don't tell me your game plan.
3. Don't Believe Your Kid. Last year we had a student go home and tell his mom that his teacher restrained him and kicked him in the forehead. I know I work with A LOT of shoddy educational professionals, but that never happened, and never has happened. Nonetheless, this mother was adamant that her son was assaulted by his teacher, was a perfect student outside of this teachers room, and only acted out when set off by staff. Your kid is fucking lying to you. If your child has made it to a school like mine, which most of them will, they are master manipulators who are deceptively good at pinning adults against each other. Please don't be your child's puppet, it doesn't look good on you.
1. Know Your Fucking Kid. Last night I was roaming the hallway, bullshitting with a couple other coworkers. All of the sudden we hear furniture crashing and screaming coming from a 5th grade teachers room. We know exactly which kid it is because he has an incredible ability to string together curse words. We walk into the door and the mom waves us away...she's got this. Less then thirty seconds later a chair comes flying out of the room. We go back to the door, not really moving too quickly because the mom needs to understand she is absolutely not in control, and the kid sits down. It's about control. That kid knows that if myself and my coworker have to step foot in that room it's going to be a problem for him. He knows his mom won't/can't do shit. So please, if you don't really have control over your child, don't set them off by telling them you are going to sent them to a residential facility. They will flip out and make you look like a fool.
2. Show Up. I have 15 students between the two classrooms I am responsible for. I had two parents show up(1 who was high as fuck, and the other who is actually very involved with their autistic child's academics and I am fighting to get transferred into a better school), 1 no show, 1 who didn't answer their phone for a phone conference, and 11 who never attempted. It might not seem like much, but your teachers, and most importantly, your kids really do appreciate it. The teachers also enjoy laughing about how stupid you are after you leave.
3. Make Your Teachers Sweat. I work with some bad teachers. Teachers that get ran over, emotionally, physically and mentally, by 3rd graders every single day. Seriously, we had a teacher go into early retirement this year because he couldn't control a class of 8 students. Your child's teachers are just people, and most of them aren't very smart people. I know that sucks, with the children being our future and all, but it's the absolute truth. So don't be afraid to call them on their shit. They probably don't really know what they are talking about.
Whenever the day comes that an Ace Jr. is summoned to his first parent/teacher, you best believe I will be there and I will be a giant ass hole. At least the first time until I know my child's educator isn't some tard who decided to be a teacher because they got summers off. Follow these rules, friends, and you can PWN parent/teacher conferences.