Tuesday, November 18, 2014

College Football Week 12

"I make jersey pant shorts look gooooooood."

Holy fucking hell.  I don't get sick often but when I do...it destroys my life for a solid week.  I can't remember the last time I was this ill from something non booze related.  If I had to guess, I would say this is what dying feels like.  By Friday I was cutting out the middle man and dumping my meals directly into the toilet.  Not fun at all.  Hopefully today all is status quo inside my body.  Michigan was on a bye this week but Frank Clark made sure the Wolverines didn't stay out of the spotlight for long.  Clark was jailed over the weekend for probably allegedly beating the piss out of a woman.  But at the end of the day you really can't blame Clark for his actions.  Playing for Ted Ginn Sr. would turn almost anyone into a violent, laptop stealing, woman beater.  UPDATE:  HE GONE!  Frank Clark dismissed from the football team.  Good to see the program do the right thing.  Nice life, thug.  Enjoy prison.  Let's get to it.

Dancing Coaches

This is quickly becoming one of those annoying Internet trends.  Have some fucking self respect and stop awkwardly thrusting your crusty body around in clumsy white man convulsions.  It doesn't make you sweet or help you identify with your players.  It makes you a schmuck and a joke.  GIVE IT A REST!

Clemson vs. Georgia Tech

Commenter Jeff loves him some Cole Stoudt!  Stoudt looked TOTES prepared to play Saturday after DeShaun Watson was hurt...again.  DeShaun TWATson is more like it, amiright??  I saw on Twitter Stoudt had to be consoled by a team mate after getting benched then turned inside out by the coaching staff in front of everyone.  Get ready for hilarious QB play for the foreseeable future, Clemson faithful.  Word on the streetz (as of Saturday) is TWATson has a torn ACL.

Ohio vs. Minnesota

Okay.  Before we get to anything.  What the fuck is this amazing shit!?

LOL!  It's the middle of a college football game and this chubby sow is plowing through a Dilly Bar.  "Ice cream helps me coach better.  Back off!!"  Now, on with Ohio fans chest thumping a win over Minnesota.  This game just felt over in the first half despite Ohio doing everything in its power to keep the Gophers in it. Jalin Marshall was the second best player for Minnesota on Saturday while pretty much fucking up at every turn.  On the flip side, David Cobb is somehow one of the most UNDERRATED backs in college football and should be a steal for someone on draft day.  Real quick...how was Elliott's "Ab Game" on Saturday, Droolz?  LOL.  In case anyone cares (they don't) Cakes was his usual whiny bitchy self about this game on Twitter.

Florida State

This program has officially crossed the border of insanity.  Just when you think FSU can't get anymore like ESU from The Program, another hilarious story about the inmates running the asylum pops up.  And there's Jimbo Fisher in the middle of it all with his slimy handshakes and his greaser smile.  I'm not sure how fans of this football team can still defend what's happening in Tallahassee right now.  But they will because they support rape and are awful humans.  A monumental fall has to be on its way.

Nebraska vs. Wisconsin

Melvin Gordon is one sick bitch.  I know it takes a lot these days for a running back to win the Heisman but this has to vault Gordon firmly into the discussion.  It has to.  It's hard to believe this Wisconsin team lost to Northwestern.  Who the fuck loses to Northwestern?!

Notre Dame vs. Northwestern

Poor Larry.  Poor Brian Kelly.  Poor Notre Dame.  Just kidding.  Fuck everyone associated with Notre Dame.  Now would all of you please individually apologize to everyone in the world for being little cunts about that FSU loss and the fact that no one respects Notre Dame.  We were right to question everything and you owe us at least an apology.  Notre Dame is a bunch of fucking frauds.  Always have been and always will be.  Eat a foot long Pat Fitzgerald dick sammie.  Extra pubes.

Arizona St. vs. Oregon St.

I don't think ASU was ever a real contender for the playoffs so this loss is insignificant unless you happen to be an ASU fan.  I guess Ohio fans can be happy they're a spot closer to not making the 4 team playoff at the end of the year.  Overall, let's not forget the most important part of this game...it's always great when a team beats Notre Dame and then follows that up with a bad loss the very next week.  Soak it in.

Alabama vs. Mississippi St.

This game had snooze fest written all over it before the coin was even flipped but it turned out to be pretty decent.  Alabama looked damn good Saturday and found a way to neutralize Prescott pretty much throughout.  I love all of the SEC haters out there.  And by love I mean I hope they drown in horse semen.  It's was incredible watching them piss and moan how the SEC is treated differently when this score was 5-0 in the second quarter.  "If this was so and so and the score was this everyone would be..." blah, blah, blah.  Shut the fuck up, already.  If you really don't think the SEC is by far the best conference then throw yourself into a wood chipper.

TCU vs Kansas

The ghost of Charlie Weis' clogged arteries was alive in well in this fucking weird ass game.  Kansas' stadium was comically empty for a game the Jayhawks were in the entire way.  I don't get that.  Kansas football tickets have to be free to students, right?  There's no way the school can realistically attempt to sell these to students.  Having said that...wouldn't you, as a student, at least want to go to the games against the good teams like TCU?  Even if they weren't free?  If nothing else it's a blowout at half time and you can leave happy that you saw one of the better teams in the country live.  I don't know...maybe Kansas students would rather go fuck pigs instead.

Auburn vs. Georgia

/throws a stack of papers in the air.  I'm fucking done trying to figure out Georgia.  They're good, they're bad, they're good, they're bad.  Whatever.  With how crazy Georgia's season has been, I guess it makes complete sense that as of right now unranked Missouri and not #15 Georgia would be playing in the SEC championship game.  Figure that one out.

Todd Gurley ACL


Florida State vs. Miami

Ahhhhhh.  The Criminal Bowl.  What a fuckin game.  Florida State jizzes rabbits feet, apparently.  But I guess just as much credit goes to Al Golden for being a complete vagina in the 2nd half.  My Lord...how many more times can FSU do this before they get burned?  It's gonna happen eventually, right?!  I want to say that Brad Kaaya is a stud in the making but we've been here before with other Miami QBs, haven't we?  Meanwhile, Jimbo Fisher continues to be a villainous dick sack.  "It's just how we do things at Florida State", he smugly spewed in the post game interview.  Get fucked.  If Fisher raises his children with the same blind eye he treats his football players with, I would say his son should be a full blown crack addict by 13.  And no one would be surprised or feel bad.  Some people just deserve a steaming, nutty turd on the chest of life.

Helluva week in college football.  So many good games.  For a second it looked like a huge playoff shakeup was going to happen but I'm not so sure it does.  I think the top four goes Oregon, ROLL DAMN CHILD (ELITE Facebook reference), Mississippi St. and then FSU.  That makes the most sense to me based on what I saw Saturday...even though I don't think FSU should technically be in there.  There are other teams that I think are better but you can't exactly boot an undefeated team in a power conference who happens to be the defending champ.  Even though that would be sweet.  That's all today.  Fuck off.


Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ ND indeed.

Good win for the Bucks even tho a couple Jalin fumbles did make it more difficult than necessary. Barrett played an awesome game again and is proceeding to smash just about every record in front of him. Very pleased with it tho in those conditions coming off the MSU game against a ranked team...it was a prime letdown opportunity and they got through it. Bring on the SEC East Champs Indiana Hoosiers!


Anonymous said...

By the way...I feel you on this stomach bug. On Sunday I got it....shit 17 times (off by one or two either way)...before popping some Immodium and clogging the pipeline up. I came close to puking but never did that...did get a fever. Feel fine now except for some crushing gas pains in my stomach that I think is due to clogging myself up before getting everything else out.


GMoney said...

Hope you die, Drew.

I love watching this Florida State team. It's amazing to see them worm their way out of trouble every week. I can't wait to see what they have in store for this week's shit show. It's just how they do it at FSU, eh, Jimbo?

Jerry Kill got really mad at about something during that game and was screaming at the ref. I think I sat up on the couch at that moment thinking that he could expire at any moment. College football could use something like that...death. Ice Cream Guy has to be ranked pretty high on that list.

I also want to mention Kerry Coombs who is such a fucking turd. DURR I'll wear short sleeves because I'm a coach and love the smell of pneumonia in the morning. Dude, you aren't a good coach and no one respects your tough guy demeanor. Now put on a fucking coat.

ELITE back door cover by Miss State. Told me all i needed to know about them. Put them in the Playoff!

I'll have to unload a Glory Hole at some point today. Stay tuned.

Grumpy said...

I want TCU in the Final Four, but they sure didn't pass the eye test Saturday.

Kerry Coombs was, is and will always be a douche. I have witnesses.

GMoney said...

Weren't his Colerain teams more crooked than Ted Ginn Sr???

While doing some research for Da Hole, I couldn't help but notice how GOD AWFUL this Saturday's slate of games are. Seriously, MIN/NEB might be the best one and that will surely suck, too.

Anonymous said...

Why would anyone "want" TCU in the Final Four?


GMoney said...

Because they correctly don't like you and people of your ilk???

But let's be honest here...Ohio Buckeyes are going to find a way in. We all know it. When was the last time that they didn't catch all breaks and everything failed to fall into place for them?

GMoney said...

LOL NFL suspending Peterson for the rest of the season. That will never happen. At least I hope not.

Cakes said...

Ice cream guy was amazing. He knew he was on camera and ate that thing like a boss. Those Minnesota folk are a hearty bunch.

People are starting to put the Buckeyes in their final four. That's great and all but we had a chance to really make a statement. That game should've been a 21 point win at least. Can no one in Ohio catch a punt? Shit is getting ridiculous. Marshall was directly responsible for a 14 pt swing on Saturday.

Nobody "wants" TCU in the playoff. Even if the Buckeyes dont make it, I have no interest in watching the horned frogs get killed by a legit contender.

GMoney said...

Can no one in Ohio catch a punt?

Frank Clark's GF can catch a punch. Does that count?

Anonymous said...

G$....I'm cautiously starting to think you are right. Right now Vegas has OSU with the 3rd best odds to win it all...they wouldn't be that high if they didn't think OSU had no chance of making the playoff, right?

Cakes....the difference in TV ratings for Bama/OSU vs. Bama/TCU would be wild. The first one would set records. ESPN didn't spend billions to get the playoff for the ability to show a TCU game.


T. Iceman said...

I don't know why people are considering Ohio right now...unless the panel is lying about STREMPH of schedule being an important factor.

But G$ is right. The only team luckier than FSU is the Ohio Buckeyes. So they'll probably get in somehow. Hopefully they draw an SEC team first and get their buttholes mashed. Then we can listen to Cakes be a real penis and say stuff like, "If this game was played in the elements like REAL FOOTBALL then we TOTES woulda won".

I'm almost fully recovered, Drool. But the last 6 days felt like I had Malaria. Water butt is up there with some of the worst shit ever.

GMoney said...

Drew sounds like Cowherd with that ratings nonsense.

Anonymous said...

Don't have much to say about college football show I'll share a story that happened to me at work in Saturday.

So Saturday I had an employee who was not scheduled to work come in and tell me she had to talk to me abkut something. Now I am not this employees direct supervisor but I am one if her superiors. So we go to my office (bad idea). As I sit down she locks my door and proceedsw to tell me how sexy she thinks I am and that she "wants to jump my bones." Once I told her I was married and that it couldn't happen because I'm her superior she calm down a little but still was trying to convince me that we could have our little work thing. After what seemed like forever I was able to get her out of my office and sent her on her way.


Prime99 said...

Larry, you should probably document that with HR so it is on record in case she starts telling IDELIES about you.

I have no opinion on CFB, but I DO have an opinion on SANKEY sealing the MSFL victory over G$! Probably will beat me, eh?

Anonymous said...

Yeah I took care of that first thing Monday.

If you're interested in doing some Facebook creeping message me and I'll give you her name.


Anonymous said...

WOAH! That's an awful half story. I want details. Was this girl hot? Did you think about it? DO NOT PLAY MR HONORABLE.

"I don't know why people are considering Ohio right now...unless the panel is lying about STREMPH of schedule being an important factor."

If OSU wins out they would have played 8 teams with .500 or better records. TCU and Baylor top out at 5. VT may go 7-5 and they just beat a ranked Duke (!!), so that lulz loss looks a little better than the other losses out there. Big 12 doesn't have a championship game and that will likely hurt either TCU or Baylor and OSU will likely jump one of them if they win out. And since everyone thinks Gordon is Jesus Christ risen, if OSU wins against them, it will likely propel us into the mix regardless of the SEC teams outcome.


GMoney said...

Yes, is she hot? That is the only question that matters outside of her opinions on vet medicine.

MAC GLORY HOLE OF THE WEEK (now 9-5 and ON FIRE!!!): I'm tripling up AGAIN this week!

TONIGHT - Give me NIU -2.5 @ Ohio U and UMass +7 @ Akron.
TOMORROW - Weather is supposed to be as rotten in Buffalo as Kent State's offense so go with the UNDER 46.5

Three winners. Well, at least two winner. The Huskies are going to stomp the Bobcats tonight.

Jeff said...

Deshaun will be fine. No ACL tear. Atleast I've seen the last of Cole Stoudt baring the rest of the QBs on the roster getting hurt and him having to play by default. He makes Joe Bauserman look good.

Anonymous said...

Enjoyed Larry's story.

Ide just beat up Iceman's SOS thought.

G$....why is it nonsense? Is it not accurate?


T. Iceman said...

Does Cole Stoudt have a mustache? Are we sure Stoudt isn't Joe Bauserman in a really bad disguise??

Larry. You beautiful sonofabitch. Listen to these men. We need more details. And good job on going to HR.

Anonymous said...

"I don't know why people are considering Ohio (State) right now unless the panel is lying about strength of schedule being an important factor."

The current strength of schedules for borderline playoff teams are as follows...mississippi st 34th, fsu 38th, Ohio State 46th, tcu 49th, baylor 59th...

Those teams all have a pretty comparable SOS at this point, but the "luckiest team" argument has a lot of sound merit. Ohio State could beat a top 10 team by 50 every week & you would still say they are lucky or fraudulent... You have no credibility with your Ohio State criticism & you sound like much more of a whiner than Cakes has ever been...


GMoney said...

You've railed me (no homo) in the past for bringing up ratings and here you are carrying Colin T's TRANSCENDENT water yourself. Doesn't go both ways.

People are going to watch no matter what and advertisers are going pay to the same so I don't think it matters all that much.

Ohio fans defending their schedule is a fun new wrinkle. Look, assholes, you are going to weasel your way in and we all know it. Stop treating us like mental defectives with your absurd logic.

Anonymous said...

I want to see this broad... how old is she Larry?


GMoney said...

Says the guy that just traded for Big Ben...THOUGHT YOU WERE A BROWNS FAN WITH MORALS, BRUH!

Getting Fred fucking Jackson for Big Ben is not what I was envisioning but whatever...CHAMPIONSHIP!

Anonymous said...

I believe she is 23 years old. Iceman found her on Facebook so get with him if you want to see what she looks like.

I'm not sure what details you want because nothing happened. It was me telling her it won't and can't happened followed by her giving me "I'm fucking you in my mind right now" look. She came in for one reason and that was the D. This wasn't her just telling me she had feelings for me.


Anonymous said...

I only did it to shut you up. He'll be on my bench once I get Sanchize off waivers this week.


MUDawgfan said...

Cakes....the difference in TV ratings for Bama/OSU vs. Bama/TCU would be wild. The first one would set records. ESPN didn't spend billions to get the playoff for the ability to show a TCU game.


Are you suggesting that somehow ESPN has purchased or is buying the NCAA Playoff committee?

If so, that's painfully stupid.
It has all the logic of Jim Delaney:

"Let's invite Rutgers and Maryland into our conference because that will give us the NY and DC TV Markets and then we'll make more money and be better than the SEC without hiring better coaches or recruiting better players"

They playoff committee will invite the best four teams, they've done an excellent job so far. Let things play out.

Nibbles said...

The worst decision you could have made was sharing her exact name and information with this crowd, Lar.

T. Iceman said...

I guess te Browns are too good for Ben Tate...

T. Iceman said...

I think people here just want a peek behind this girl's (beef) curtain, Nibs. I would hope no one would maliciously sabotage good Larry after he was kind enough to share this web gem.

Anonymous said...

MUDawg....I think it pushes an ESPN narrative which goes a long way with shaping sports media opinion....which influences opinions.


Mr. Ace said...

If I don't get an apology from Mrs. Ward for her blatant disregard for canine health and her malicious attacks on me then I will out her to the world.

.....but is she hot?

GMoney said...

What size is Drew's tin foil hat? Whatever, he's going to get a FLAG planted up his ass tonight, bro!

Anonymous said...

When telling the story to my cousin (who reads the blog frequently) I said she was semi-attractive. Iceman and my cousin have saw photos of her so ask them for their opinion.


T. Iceman said...

She is deliciously Mexican trash. The kind of girl even Damman would hide from his friends.

It's hard to tell exactly what she has going on in the face. Some pictures she looks like Thad Matta and other pictures she looks decent. Just depends on how much clown paint she decided to slather on her face that day, I suppose. She does have a decent body and is not afraid to show it off in the most slutty manner on her profile pics.

Anonymous said...

Iceman....you should make a whole post grading women. That was your finest work since probably 2012.

G$.....the fag carriers are going down tonight.


Prime99 said...

Arriba arriba!!!

MUfan said...

So I'll give a quick recap of the Miami - CMU game I went to this past Saturday.


That is all.

Actually, it was nice to see Miami play well. CMU is not all that good but they have won some games they shouldn't have, so beating them would have been nice. Plus, half my family went there so I wouldn't have had to hear their smack talk if Miami won, but oh well. I went with my co-worker Shawn who is a YUGE CMU fan/alum, and he gave Miami major props.

Again, it was fucking cold.

Good story Larry. Smart move declining and going to HR, but good story none the less. If nothing else, it's definitely an ego boost to have someone younger like that come on to you.

GMoney said...

It's almost as if Larry has learned nothing from Naughty America. I AM DISAPPOINT.

MUFan, I enjoyed that game immensely. It was really well played. Reghi and Dustin Fox were actually really good on the call for TV. Didn't think that I would like Fox with his poor college choice but he knows his MACtion.

Johansen is playing tonight. Datsyuk didn't make the trip. There should be a lot of cannon blasts tonight, broseph. CTF!

T. Iceman said...

Grading women....hmmmmm. Now that is an idea.

Anonymous said...

When is Reghi not good on any call? That man is as good on the mic as his hair is greasy.