Monday, October 13, 2014
Speaking of being a dad, I am starting to zero in on baby's first Flag Carrying experience (2-0, bro!). Feels like Halloween night when the Leafs are in town. They barely qualify as a pro hockey team. I figure if we buy up a few tickets in that section way up top with room to move around if she gets fussy (can't wait for her reaction to the cannon blast) then that should suffice. CTF 4 LIFE. On to the football!
Everyone that isn't JJ Watt - This guy is an animal. IMO he is the best player in the NFL and no one else even comes close. He is a DE that has already scored three touchdowns! If Clowney ever plays, that pass rush will be insane.
Ryan Fitzpatrick - SHAVE THAT STUPID FUCKING BEARD OFF. YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS. YOU LOOK LIKE A DARTMOUTH GRAD.
Every inbred member of Steelers Nation - Let's just get this one out of the way now...the Pittsburgh Steelers are the worst team in the AFC North and it isn't even close. It's over. Troy needs to go. Haley needs to go. LeBeau needs to go. Tomlin should have never been. This franchise needs to tear it down and start over. Disagree? In the last 6 quarters against the Browns, you are a robust "not remotely competitive". It was a solid run but ya done.
Browns fans - I was going to say "act like you've been there before" but you really haven't so enjoy your overdue triumph over that wretched hive of scum and villainy. I'll tell you what: with Jax, Buff, and Oak looming, it isn't insane to talk wild card. I WILL ALLOW IT.
"Offensive Weapon" - Did you know that Shoelace Robinson is getting PT at halfback for the Jags? That would explain the zero wins. RedZone went to JAX/TEN for maybe four plays. Thanks, Hanson!
Flacco Haters - Joe Flacco is ELITE. FACT. DEAL WITH IT.
Hilarious backdoor cover - Thanks a bunch, horrible decision-making of Geno Smith!!! And in case you were wondering if he is still alive, Wes Welker is but he is irrelevant.
Teddy Bridgewater and Norv Turner - SMH...you two have quite possibly the best athlete in the game on your side and you don't even try to get the ball to him. Cordarelle Patterson is incredible. The QB and OC are dumb, bad, and have a crater face though.
Matt Prater - This is history, folks. The Lions are on pace to miss 2000 field goals this season.
Fred Jackson and CJ Spiller - Poor Bills just will never be able to stick it to the Patriots. And if they do, it won't be because The Kyle Orton Express is throwing it 38 times. They needed more on the ground. They barely got anything. And thus they get slaughtered again. Bills be Bills-ing. The Dolphins also lost in hilarious fashion to the Packers. So what we learned today is that the Patriots don't even have to break a sweat to win the garbage AFC East. The Steelers, remember that they are clearly the basement of the north, could be better than all of those teams combined.
Mike Carey - The most worthless yet smug for some reason man in the business. He's never right. Is incredulous when proven wrong. And he has the weirdest Brontosaurus head ever. Iceman hates this guy. For once, Iceman is right.
Mike Nugent - The Ohio alum fucked his sister good and deep because he sucks. You know, you would think that a 37-37 game was good and/or fun but this one was neither. It was poorly played and boring with a glaring spotlight of incompetence on all parties. I'm sure that there were a ton of Donovan McNabb jokes on Twitter (remember how he never knew that a game could end in a tie...oh I'm sure that the Klan still chortle about that).
Derek Carr - Broheem! You're in Sea Bass field goal range! No need to chuck it deep and Raiders-ing. NO HEISMAN FOR YOU! Scary game for the Chargers as apparently the Raiders responded well to their transition-lensed interim coach burying a football in the ground for some reason but they survive. Branden Oliver looks great IMO.
Mike Smith and Thomas Dimitroff - Just fire these two losers already. Smith can't coach and Dimitroff would rather be still buying into Lance Armstrong's shit. The Falcons have nobody in the trenches worth a shit.
Kirk Cousins - I've seen enough. Thanks for that pick six at the end when I have you at +5.5. Lot of fun there. When does RG3 come back? Two more games? Shit. OK, I can wait. I'm really proud that Seal, Damman, myself, and others were in the house to see KC8's only victory in the NFL. I will cherish that memory. I will say this about my putrid Skins who can't get enough of beating themselves with stupidity and turnovers: DeSean Jackson is incredible. And I'm saying this by my own freewill. He and his cronies do not have this blog at gunpoint.
Russell Wilson and the 12th Man - These arrogant charmslingers deserved to be knocked down a few dozen pegs. Fuck these guys. I'm not buying American Family Insurance, Rusty. You don't even HAVE a family. You are an interracial #IDELIE IMO!
Percy Harvin - The Seahawks don't know what to do with him still. He is a wide receiver. He is not Kordell Stewart or a RB or whatever. Throw him the ball in space. 6 touches for -1 yards. Nice game, asshole.
Real Talk Time - I don't like saying this but, through 6 weeks, the Dallas Cowboys are the best team in the NFC and San Diego is still the best team overall. RIGHT NOW, this would be my pick for the Super Bowl. OBVZ Romo still has another choke in him come January but the way that these two teams play translates to all conditions and scenarios. You win in the trenches. That will never change.
FANTASY! - I think that my G$FL team is really good (2nd in points) and we moved to 3-3 after easily defeating Facebook-selfie King, GSaul. The other three teams racked up three more losses. Again--MULLIGAN!
Today marks the return of our Monday afternoon Walking Dead chats! I GUARANSHEED that last night's season premiere was terrible unless someone nuked the Grimes family. As always, wait until around noon to unload your complaints about how bad this show has become. And, remember, the Steelers are the worst!