Monday, October 06, 2014

The Worst of Week Five Vol.VIII

CHAMPIONSHIP
We usually save the college football talk around here for Tuesdays and pretty much every day but Monday yet I'm going to lead off the week with the story of the weekend...WE WON!  THE LOSING STREAK IS OVER!  I don't know if this has ever happened before but a team gave up 41 points in one half and zero in the other.  How do you explain that nonsense?  I don't care who we played or how we did it, WE DID IT.  No longer the hilarious national punchline!  And big props to the guy in the Gio Bernard jersey who stormed the field and was the only one to get tackled by authorities and leave in handcuffs.  If you are going out there to celebrate, you should stay away from the opposing team.  GO GIO!

All that said, Saturday was not without controversy.  I look up to Grumpy's seat after we make it 41-21 with a minute left in the first half and he is gone.  I assumed that he left out of protest but it was because his missus was cold.  Keep in mind, my two month old daughter stayed for the entire game but whatever.  This is apparently the first time ever that Grump left a game early.  And he missed the end of the losing streak.  So after you all get done LOLing the shit out of this jerk, I ask you "is he allowed to celebrate"?  Or maybe his presence has been holding us back for the past two years.  Either way, Grump missed out on history because his wife castrated him.  GO REDHAWKS!  Let's talk about the pros now.

Wendy Nix - She gets better every day.  EVERY DAY.  Please sign her to an exclusive contract for MILF scenes, Naughty America.

Matt Forte - I've never been much of a Forte guy whether it be fantasy or real life.  I just don't feel like he makes plays when the Bears need him to.  Of course, he was more than willing to make a BIG play for the Panthers when they needed it as he had the ELITE game-losing fumble.  Never bet on the Bears.  They hate everyone.  That should be one of the five best teams in football yet they can't get out of their way ever.

Jake Locker - Is this fucking loser ever going to finish a game?  When he's actually on the field, he isn't that bad.  But then he always gets hurt and then his Messiah back-up blows a FOUR touchdown lead to a shit team.  One thing is certain, every Browns game is going to go down to the last play this year.

Joe Haden - I'm going to leave it to Damman on this one: Joe Haden is awful.  I'll take his word on that.  At least he got the better of Megatron in a 2013 loss!

The Eagles - I will forever scream this: THE EAGLES ARE NOT GOOD.  They are an average team that catches every break.  The best part about this is that breaks tend to even out.  I can't wait to bet against Philly in January and make the easiest money ever.  However, it's great to see Riley Cooper get on the score sheet!

Larry Donnell - Remember when the big TE scored thrice last Thursday against the Redskins even though he didn't start himself on his fantasy team?  0 yards on 0 catches and 1 target this week.  The Giants are 3-2.  I have no idea how this is possible.  Also, it appears that the Falcons will never come close to winning a road game this season.

Drew Brees - The days of Breesus being Breesus look like they are over.  He just doesn't look the same.  It could be his offensive line (bad) or him losing a little arm STREMPH, but he does not appear to be the same MEGA-ELITE QB that we are used to seeing.  Yeah, they got the overtime win against Lovie Smiff but is that impressive?  No.  Only a completely terrible team would lose to the Bucs.

JJ Watt - Put me down for thinking that Watt is the best player in football and no one else comes all that close but when you get punked by Romo and then he throws a 50 yard TD pass, well, that's on you, bro.  The fucking Cowboys are 4-1 and easily the best team in the surprisingly strong NFC East.  But as soon as DeMarco gets hurt they will go back to their 8-8 ways.

The Steelers - Way to give 40% effort.  This game is my current nominee for worst game of the year.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Alex Henery - Ya cut, bruh.  Man, what's it going to take for the Lions to convince Jason Hanson to come back?  That one has to hurt a lot.  I mean, The Kyle Orton Express has still never lost to the Lions (may not be true).  And to make matters worse, the Bills carried Jim Schwartz off of the field!!!  OH MAN IS THAT AN ELITE TROLL MOVE!  At least you'll have Matt Prater next week.  You can give his drunk ass Titus Young SRs old locker.

Jimmy BRAH - Jay Glazer is reporting that James will 100% not be back in San Francisco this season.  Just like I've been saying for weeks with my zero sources.  He's going back home.  Just like LeBron but with a much more asshole demeanor and more corpses than Sherman's March.  At least he was proven right that Alex Smiff is average.

Colin T. Cowherd - I have to admit that I kind of like Colin's Football Show (the pre-show song is catchy!) because they pretty much only talk gambling.  He was all in on the Cardinals +7.5 and he keeps picking the Jets every week.  Whoops.

Geno Smith - Yeah, you're done.  Thanks for playing.  I continue to say this every week and I always will: the Chargers are for real.  I'll take it one absurd step further...San Diego is the best team in the league.  THE.  BEST.  By the way, someone was joking about it on Twitter but this could be an incredible thing: Rex Ryan to Michigan.  Granted, it will never happen but that would have some very ELITE potential.

SWEEPTROIT SWEEP SWEEP SWEEEEEEEEEEEP! - FUCK YOU!  NICE GARBAGE TEAM!  MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRADE FOR MORE "ELITE" STARTING PITCHING!  DID YOU HEAR THAT?  THAT WAS THE WINDOW BEING SLAMMED SHUT, BRAH!  BUT, NO, GO AHEAD AND KEEP THROWING MORE MONEY AT THE NON-PROBLEMS (like starting pitching when you have no depth at all outside of 4-5 hitters and a rotten ass bullpen).  Max is gone.  Victor might be, too.  JD Martinez is due for a raise and a PED suspension.  Verlander is only going to get worse just like Joe Nathan.  You may still be able to rack up Dut's coveted AL Central titles, but it's going to take a fairly severe overhaul to be a legit title contender.  And I know because I used to root for one.  LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL another failure for Trash Nation!  AIN'T NOTHIN' WE CAN DO ABOUT THIS TIME!!!

Fantasy (no exclamation point anymore) - Jesus Christ, it ain't happenin' this season.  I'm calling for a mulligan on the entirety of 2014.  I'll be lucky to make the playoffs in one league.  Everything has gone wrong.  However, yesterday's LFL chat was fantastic as the debate raged on concerning chili with beans (everyone) and hamburger soup (Ide and Ide alone).  BEAN JUICE FOR THE ORIOLES!

Oh boy...there are going to be quite the comments today.  There will be TAEKS. And to think, the cherry on top of this ELITE sports weekend is a Redskins Monday Night Football Game!!!  Colin says to take the points but we're going to get killed.  This isn't some sort of reverse psychology thing either.  Seattle is going to murder the fuck out of us.

50 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lions game was awful. Shocking that you have to employ a kicker to win in the NFL. Onto our 3rd kicker this year....and it better be Prater. Ape....that is why one should never think the Lions organization will win 12 games in a season.

To go back to a question posed here a couple weeks ago....Peyton would probably be the #1 pick in fantasy drafts now.

Tigers definitely went out with a fart noise this year. As I said earlier...I didn't think they would win it all due to that bullpen. But, it showed it's ugliness earlier than expected and we got swept by a team I thought we'd beat. Turrible. It will be interesting to see what Dombrowski does...he definitely won't stay status quo.

I'll keep my college football takes to Tuesday as always.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I do not deserve to celebrate. She only went because I had no one else to go with and she felt sorry for me. When the temps dropped 40 degrees overnight I should have just told her to stay home. At least I got home in time to see the conclusion on ESPN3 with the two worst announcers in history.

Anonymous said...

Joey Galloway and a woman were announcing the Miami game?

--Drew

Jeff said...

I didn't watch a single play of Steelers game, but I can agree with you that a team that loses at home to lovie smiff is not good. I fully expect them to lose to the Browns this week.
LOLZ @ Detroit fans who went to the Tigers game after the Lions game (jsaul?). Suicide rate was probably slightly higher than usual.

Anonymous said...

Fantasy can go blow itself. Would be nice if some of my players tried to score touchdowns besides my QBs.

Dut is celebrating AL Centtal champs to ease his.pains.

IdeSIS is in this country and trying to change our chili forever. Guy hates beans in his chili but loves him some bean soup. Da fuq? Definitely a terrorist.

How the hell do you miss 3 FG so badly. Lions are a tease with my emotions.

Reds won as many games as the tigers this postseason! SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!


BEAN JUICE!

----Lange

Anonymous said...

What a Browns game yesterday. They somehow played worse in the first half then they did in the first half of week 1 which I didn't think was possible (with a strong contribution from Joe Haden, and Buster Skrine was also god awful). But they just don't quit and Brian Hoyer is all of the sudden becoming Captain Comeback.

As awesome as the game was, we still have serious issues on defense, which was supposed to be our strong suit. Need to get those fixed, but I'm not sure how.

The crowd shots of sad Tiger fans were so hilarious, I can't really put it into words. It was so sweet when Nelson Cruz hung dong on the Tigers again and then talked shit to that douchebag Miggy as he rounded the bases. He might be by new favorite player.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Goddamn Chili debate again. Beans in chili are for the poor. Use more meat or pork shoulder, you fucking mongoloids.

From the INTERNATIONAL CHILI SOCIETY:

1. Traditional Red Chili is defined by the International Chili Society as any kind of meat or combination of meats,
cooked with red chili peppers, various spices and other ingredients, with the exception of BEANS and PASTA
which are strictly forbidden. No garnish is allowed.

RULE FUCKING ONE: NO BEANS. GIVE IT A REST.

I was doing some thinking/fantasizing about the Browns year. We certainly have the schedule to make a solid run at 10 games. Considering, at this point, we are a Joe Haden away from being undefeated, this isn't THAT far fetched. However, at the end of my thought process, I see 2007 all over again. We go 10-6 and still miss the playoffs. Indy/Houston (ugh)/SD/Den/Bal will likely all be in the mix with us. SD/Den will almost certainly lock up one wildcard while Bal/Hou (or Indy) will be battling it out for the second. What gets the AFC wild card? 11-5?

Michigan sports really took it on the chin today. Just every aspect of that state, except East Lansing, got their assholes hollowed out. All hilarious.

Daniel got utterly embarrassed by better competition this week, which I think we can all agree was much needed. I still have a Pierre Garcon on my team to further the beating. G$ is up by 6, but has the unenviable task of rooting against AlfMo tonight. Fuck Damman.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Oh and fuck Andre Ellinton and his miracle 81 yeard TD catch that will cost me two fantasy matchups this week (fuck Dave and Seal). Although I made the cardinal sin of benching Greg Olsen in the MSFL. That didn't help either.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

LULZ you got beat by Dave. He is the R Bar of people.

Ide

Anonymous said...

This is as good a place as any to publicly congratulate -Rex on back-to-back appearances on Common Man's Tool of the Week, including last Friday's rant that earned him a 4-pack of tickets to an OSUMB concert. Congrats brah!

-Big Rex

Anonymous said...

SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh fuck yes, today is a great day at the MoneyShot...

LOLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZ at Drew, Dut and any other Tiger fan who reads here. Once again, your team wins the award for most underachieving team in the MLB, and I would argue that this years team is one of the most underachieving teams in the history of baseball. You have Scherzer, Verlander and Price on the mound in a 5 game series, AND YOU DONT WIN A GAME!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHA. So fucking good. What a joke your team is. Ausmus is a fucking moron for his game two antics.

Cruz>Miggy. What a cry baby bitch Miggy is. Nothing better than Cruz telling Miggy he's a fucking loser as he rounded first base.

The #windians won the same amount of playoff games as that Tigers roster - always remember that. #windians

Your lineup scored zero runs off of Bud fucking Norris. Who the fuck is Bud fucking Norris?

Scherzer, Verlander, and Price in the same rotation won zero games. God its actually hard to accomplish that.

What a piece of shit team in a piece of shit city. Go back to irrelevance... at least then you didn't have any hope. It's sad that such a shit baseball team crushes your hopes and dreams of thinking youre finally going to win something every year.


Seal

GMoney said...

-Rex was bragging about that in the chat yesterday. He will certainly love Pat Fenis's marching band show!

I only concern myself with the AMERICAN Chili Society. Like I give a fuck what the Ugandans use for chili (hint: it's human meat). But go ahead and keep pimping your hamburger soup while I get properly fueled on delicious bean juice.

I will not root against AlfMo tonight. I will not root against him ever. If it means that I lose in fantasy football well, hey, I've been doing a lot of that this year.

Nothing beats Tigers Sweep crowd shots. Not a civilized person in any shot. Biggest at bat of the season...BRING ME HERNAN PEREZ!!! Nice garbage roster. Studs and Scrubs indeed.

DeMarco Murray would still be the #1 pick in all fantasy drafts and Luck would push Peyton for #2. FYI, I don't have any of those guys because I SUCK.

GMoney said...

ELITE TAEK by Seal. That man just knows how to convey hate on the internet!

Dombrowski is to blame for that. It isn't Ausmus's fault.

Daniel said...

I thoroughly enjoyed the end of the Bills / Lolions game given Lange was talking shit about my man Kyle Orton after the pick 6. DA BILLS!

How about Dut's elite FF management skills of benching Arian Foster in favor of CJ Spiller? Looks like after this week I will have more wins than Lange and Dut combined in the LFL.

Anonymous said...

Seal brought some heat today. I saw that he was salivating over this last night, and he really brought his best. Tigers fans really do have to suck it up. Winning the Central and getting swept means nothing. We all laugh at Bengals fans (just Tonya? probably) for doing the same thing. Cool baseball fact that interests me: either KC or Ballmore will be in the WS this year. Awesome.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Slow....kiss my AL Central ring biatch!

I do wonder what Miggy did to make you call him a "cry baby bitch". All of those homers against Cleveland over the years I think have clouded your judgement on that one.

Did you go to the game in Detroit or did you welch on the bet?

--Drew

GMoney said...

Isn't that fucking bananas? KC or Bawlmer County!

Cakes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cakes said...

I don't know what to think about the Browns. They need to stop getting punched in the mouth only to claw back in the end. The defense has been awful except for some ELITE fourth down stops this year. Haden and Skrine need to take some PED's or something. I can't keep doing this every weekend. Win one by 14 for once.

My fantasy performances haven't been horrible but I keep running into monster games by opposing players. Pey Pey and his neck AIDS really took it to me this week. I'm 4-1 in my other league though so it hasn't been a complete waste.

Can't believe how bad the tigers looked. Sure, I enjoyed every moment of it but was really expecting it to go five games. Hilarious choke job in game two. Just spectacular. Time for Victor to come home!!!!

GMoney said...

All of a sudden, next week's Browns/Steelers game is awfully interesting (as is Bills/Pats). Who is for real here? What do you think the buzz will be like for that one, Cakes!!!

I think that Baltimore and Cincy are the two best teams in that division though. Solid DEPF in the NORF.

I caught some guff for my Year of the Shitbag Loser post but the Browns and Bills being better than average thus far is proving that theory correct.

Anonymous said...

Cakes....do you think the Indians will pay Victor what he's looking for? I think he stays in Detroit based on his comments after the game yesterday...but I don't think he's giving any sort of discount to do it.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

The Bills sure are doing whatever they can to fuck with that first rounder they owe Cleveland. Buffalo will be pretty buck for that game next Sunday.

--Drew

GMoney said...

No shit, Victor is making 15 mill for at least 2-3 years. The Tribe aren't doing that.

LOL Tigers...the only team worse than my 4 fantasy teams!

Prime99 said...

Goddamn the Bears figured out how to blow that game in spectacular fashion. Getting beat by Carolina QB coach and former 7th grade basketball teammate, Ken Dorsey, doesn't feel great.

I also fell victim to a dumb fantasy move by accidentally leaving Upper Decker in my MSFL lineup. The Bears had me pissed and I was watching running Zack around the time I should've updated my lineup. Priorities!

GMoney said...

My "sources" are saying that Ryan Johansen and the CBJ have come to a contract agreement...YES! CARRY THE FLAG! CARRY THE CUP!

Anonymous said...

Prime....you played middle school basketball with Ken Dorsey? I don't remember that FACT being shared here before. I bet he was a skinny fucker.

--Drew

Jeff said...

RYJO is back indeed!

GMoney said...

I played Decker, too. Damn kids are ruining my fantasy focus.

GMoney said...

Jeff, and he remains restriced after three years. It took long enough but good job!!!

Prime99 said...

Yep. I played on a spring league team with him and he was indeed skinny. While decent, he wasn't an overly impressive basketball player. I remember him having a conversation with another guy on our team, George, who was big for his age and therefore better at basketball at the time. George was bragging about what a great QB he was and how he was going to start early at Acalenes high. Ken said he liked playing QB and was going to Miramonte. I look back and hope George remembers how dumb he sounded that day.

Another fun fact, Ken was on the Miramonte team that ended my basketball career in an OT playoff game. Bastard!

Jeff said...

Yea a 6 mil qualifying offer is the kicker in that contract. Either way, if he plays like a superstar they will pay him like one, if not, they let him walk.

T. Iceman said...

I love it when Drew's teams fail miserably. It's even better when he makes pathetic excuses for them being shitty. The only person that deserves failure more is Ide.

Fuck everyone who said Manziel should start this year. Hoyer for Mayor. The Browns are the only real chance I have at a football winner this year. That is sad.

LeSean McCoy is really putting a stranglehold on that best running back in the NFL title. LOLZ.

Anonymous said...

I'd love to know what my "pathetic excuses" have been for the Tigers losing? I'm pretty sure I said what others here have said as for the reasons they lost. Where are they?

--Drew

GMoney said...

PrimeLies coming strong with the Dorsey fibs.

T. Iceman said...

Go find them yourself, resident fact checker.

Anonymous said...

I did...they aren't there. I can't even find one excuse...let alone a pathetic one. I have seen reasons.....like a horrendous bullpen. Please show me....otherwise were up to #IdeLies #ApeFibs and #TardUnTruths

--Drew
#

Prime99 said...

Why would admit to him beating me in basketball to end my career? If I was lying I'd say we advanced and also beat Drew Gooden's team. State Champs!

Anonymous said...

Prime isn't lying. Tardman is tho.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Iceman is still mad because his brother got married yesterday. Who gets hitched on a Sunday afternoon during football season in the middle of Jags Country???

STOP GETTING MARRIED IN THE FALL, YOU TERRORISTS. NO ONE WANTS TO GO TO A FALL WEDDING.

The Tigers are butt. Their fans are dumb and have bad facial hair.

T. Iceman said...

Enough with the Tardman, Drew. My sister suffered from mental retardation. You can call me anything else if it makes you feel better but that is really starting to fucking piss me off.

GMoney said...

Can I nominate "Turdman"? I don't have a dog in this fight but Turdman probably as a comic book wiped after him.

Anonymous said...

Welch on the bet?? LOLZ I didn't make it to a game because they only had ONE home game. LOLOL Losers.

For being such a good hitter, Miggy bitches about calls/pitches more than any other power hitter in the game. It's like if he ever takes a pitch, he thinks it must be a ball because he is so good that no way he would let a strike pass by him.

Show me that ring you won for winning the AL Central and Ill gladly kiss it. Oh wait....

At least Drew showed his face today though, unlike Dut who only shows up when he has shit to talk. Go Tigers Dut. Loser.

Seal

GMoney said...

YES! Back for more!

Nibbles said...

Prime will make up any crazy story to draw attention from the fact he's about to lose to Candy Lineup.

Just need at least 3 from Seahawks D tonight to improve to 3-2 bitches.

Prime99 said...

After years of ELITEness in the MSFL, I finally had a turd draft. Good news though- once ELITE, always ELITE!

Anonymous said...

Listen Sweetheart....I'll change your name if it means you are more truthful and not so angry at the internet.

Turdman is under consideration, but I have to sleep on such an important decision.

I would say the bet is welched, since you didn't fulfill your end.

Miggy doesn't seem to have many issues with umps....so perhaps it's somewhere in the middle of our viewpoints due to me probably not caring what he does and your opinion magnified due to hate.

I just may make/purchase an AL Central ring so you have to kiss it.

Dut should have showed.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Seal does have a point. You can't call him a welch on a sweep. Ill give you game 4, obvz, but one game doesn not a welch make. It does, however, make for one awesome embarrassment.

Remember that everyone laughed at my draft if 4 super studs followed by $1 autodrafts. ELITE studs and scrubs.

This isn't the first time Iceman misinterpreted something. He is the Charlie Kelley of the internet.

You know how you can tell he is a new Florida fan? Already a sexual assault scandal.

Ide

GMoney said...

That only works for NFL Quarterbacks, Li'l Dorsey. Those are the only people that can be ELITE (and me, obvz). But no one else.

Anonymous said...

How about the newest news on AP?

http://www.complex.com/sports/2014/10/report-adrian-peterson-used-charity-money-to-fund-orgy-with-4-women?utm_campaign=complexsports%2Bsocialflow%2B10%2B2014&utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social

Thats money shot man of the year material right there...

SEal

GMoney said...

With all due respect to such a fine human, when you absolutely bury 75% of my fantasy teams before week 2, you are never going to earn a nom for MSMotY.