All that said, Saturday was not without controversy. I look up to Grumpy's seat after we make it 41-21 with a minute left in the first half and he is gone. I assumed that he left out of protest but it was because his missus was cold. Keep in mind, my two month old daughter stayed for the entire game but whatever. This is apparently the first time ever that Grump left a game early. And he missed the end of the losing streak. So after you all get done LOLing the shit out of this jerk, I ask you "is he allowed to celebrate"? Or maybe his presence has been holding us back for the past two years. Either way, Grump missed out on history because his wife castrated him. GO REDHAWKS! Let's talk about the pros now.
Wendy Nix - She gets better every day. EVERY DAY. Please sign her to an exclusive contract for MILF scenes, Naughty America.
Matt Forte - I've never been much of a Forte guy whether it be fantasy or real life. I just don't feel like he makes plays when the Bears need him to. Of course, he was more than willing to make a BIG play for the Panthers when they needed it as he had the ELITE game-losing fumble. Never bet on the Bears. They hate everyone. That should be one of the five best teams in football yet they can't get out of their way ever.
Jake Locker - Is this fucking loser ever going to finish a game? When he's actually on the field, he isn't that bad. But then he always gets hurt and then his Messiah back-up blows a FOUR touchdown lead to a shit team. One thing is certain, every Browns game is going to go down to the last play this year.
Joe Haden - I'm going to leave it to Damman on this one: Joe Haden is awful. I'll take his word on that. At least he got the better of Megatron in a 2013 loss!
The Eagles - I will forever scream this: THE EAGLES ARE NOT GOOD. They are an average team that catches every break. The best part about this is that breaks tend to even out. I can't wait to bet against Philly in January and make the easiest money ever. However, it's great to see Riley Cooper get on the score sheet!
Larry Donnell - Remember when the big TE scored thrice last Thursday against the Redskins even though he didn't start himself on his fantasy team? 0 yards on 0 catches and 1 target this week. The Giants are 3-2. I have no idea how this is possible. Also, it appears that the Falcons will never come close to winning a road game this season.
Drew Brees - The days of Breesus being Breesus look like they are over. He just doesn't look the same. It could be his offensive line (bad) or him losing a little arm STREMPH, but he does not appear to be the same MEGA-ELITE QB that we are used to seeing. Yeah, they got the overtime win against Lovie Smiff but is that impressive? No. Only a completely terrible team would lose to the Bucs.
JJ Watt - Put me down for thinking that Watt is the best player in football and no one else comes all that close but when you get punked by Romo and then he throws a 50 yard TD pass, well, that's on you, bro. The fucking Cowboys are 4-1 and easily the best team in the surprisingly strong NFC East. But as soon as DeMarco gets hurt they will go back to their 8-8 ways.
The Steelers - Way to give 40% effort. This game is my current nominee for worst game of the year.
Jimmy BRAH - Jay Glazer is reporting that James will 100% not be back in San Francisco this season. Just like I've been saying for weeks with my zero sources. He's going back home. Just like LeBron but with a much more asshole demeanor and more corpses than Sherman's March. At least he was proven right that Alex Smiff is average.
Colin T. Cowherd - I have to admit that I kind of like Colin's Football Show (the pre-show song is catchy!) because they pretty much only talk gambling. He was all in on the Cardinals +7.5 and he keeps picking the Jets every week. Whoops.
Geno Smith - Yeah, you're done. Thanks for playing. I continue to say this every week and I always will: the Chargers are for real. I'll take it one absurd step further...San Diego is the best team in the league. THE. BEST. By the way, someone was joking about it on Twitter but this could be an incredible thing: Rex Ryan to Michigan. Granted, it will never happen but that would have some very ELITE potential.
SWEEPTROIT SWEEP SWEEP SWEEEEEEEEEEEP! - FUCK YOU! NICE GARBAGE TEAM! MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRADE FOR MORE "ELITE" STARTING PITCHING! DID YOU HEAR THAT? THAT WAS THE WINDOW BEING SLAMMED SHUT, BRAH! BUT, NO, GO AHEAD AND KEEP THROWING MORE MONEY AT THE NON-PROBLEMS (like starting pitching when you have no depth at all outside of 4-5 hitters and a rotten ass bullpen). Max is gone. Victor might be, too. JD Martinez is due for a raise and a PED suspension. Verlander is only going to get worse just like Joe Nathan. You may still be able to rack up Dut's coveted AL Central titles, but it's going to take a fairly severe overhaul to be a legit title contender. And I know because I used to root for one. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL another failure for Trash Nation! AIN'T NOTHIN' WE CAN DO ABOUT THIS TIME!!!
Fantasy (no exclamation point anymore) - Jesus Christ, it ain't happenin' this season. I'm calling for a mulligan on the entirety of 2014. I'll be lucky to make the playoffs in one league. Everything has gone wrong. However, yesterday's LFL chat was fantastic as the debate raged on concerning chili with beans (everyone) and hamburger soup (Ide and Ide alone). BEAN JUICE FOR THE ORIOLES!
Oh boy...there are going to be quite the comments today. There will be TAEKS. And to think, the cherry on top of this ELITE sports weekend is a Redskins Monday Night Football Game!!! Colin says to take the points but we're going to get killed. This isn't some sort of reverse psychology thing either. Seattle is going to murder the fuck out of us.