Monday, October 27, 2014

The Worst of Week Eight Vol.VIII

ELITE parenting skills by Batman
Well, it finally happened.  It was inevitable but the only question mark was when.  Yes, my wife left me-----with the baby for the next three days while she goes off to some conference up at Sparty until Wednesday evening.  I am a single dad for the next 60 hours and this is not a role that I was born to play.  Like, at all.  I did my homework though as I knew that this was coming for a while.  A lot of dap must be given to the MAC for scheduling Miami home games this past Saturday and coming up again in 5 days which allowed me to leave the dog with my parents.  Hell, I even used vacation days this week to focus on the task.  Sure, day care will do most of the hard work this week, but that doesn't make my job easy.  I've got ALL of the feedings and changings after dark now instead of making the wife do it.  That means no good sleep and keeping my ears on a swivel once the sun goes down.  I will succeed at this.  I will not let this baby defeat me no matter how much her baby poop makes me gag.  I WILL WIN.  And if the two of us make it through the next three days then we will CARRY THE FLAG on Friday night together.

***NOTE: We are joining the battle anyway so it doesn't matter how awful either of us are.

So please wish me the worst of luck.  I figure that as long as we don't go the ER, this week's episode of "G$: Single Dad" will be a success.  I set high goals.  Now let's fire that fucking pig skin!

Not The Grove City Greyhounds - Say what you want to about the suburb itself but the school's QB is named RILEY COOPER.  HAHAHAHA!  ELITE!

Terry and Howie - Bros, you work one day a week and barely break a sweat anyway.  Get your old asses out of bed and do the London pregame show. And don't show up at halftime acting all cool.  You both suck.

Mike Smith - And here is your next coach fired.  Come on! The clock management at the end was absurd.  The Lions don't win that if you just run the damn ball.  Matt Ryan had one of the worst interceptions that you'll ever see.  Hell, walking emotion machine Jim Caldwell sat EVERYONE that wasn't 100%.  He wasn't even trying to win that game.  This was peak Falcons.

Roger Goodell - FIVE games in London next year!  Fuck you.

Geno SMH and Michael Pick - It doesn't matter.  They both blow equally.  The only difference is that one has served time and thus is more respected by his race (probably).  I noticed something yesterday as The Kyle Orton Express was working on his Pro Bowl resume: Geno looks like A-Rod.  Count it.  I'm not going to rag on Sammy Watkins for being dumb because the dude is sick and I can't blame him for assuming the Jets quit.  Bills sick!

Zack Mettenburger - This sex offender was all the rage this week as he brought his Wooderson look to the first team huddle.  But just like in college, Zack Attack is terrible.  At least he's kept his penis to himself as a far.  There were A LOT of horseshit games on at 1 yesterday (JAX/MIA, STL/KC, and MIN/TB) that we will not be discussing.

Marshawn Lynch - Yeah, it's definitely time for him to move on and be someone else's problem.  Dude just looks like someone that you don't want to be around.  It sounds like the Bucs are shopping Douglas Martin, too.  This just reinforces my stance that RBs are worthless.  That Panthers/Seahawks game was also a horrible watch.

Joe Flacco and Steve SMH Sr - Rough day for Big Joe ELITE as he struggled for the most part probably due to being blinded by Dalton's hair.  It didn't help that he won the game with a beautiful rocket launch but his insane teammate cheated and ruined things.  I'm still a buyer of Ravens stock.  Yesterday doesn't make me a believer in the Bengals though.  Can Gio Bernard please stop being a bitch and actually finish a game?

Pretty much everyone associated with the Bears ever - "Wow."--Cakes.  That was a full body suck.  Last week, everyone was yelling at everyone else and of course that didn't help at all. I am writing SEASON OVER on top of the Bears logo because that it too much dysfunction, the coach looks like no one respects him, and the QB is a joke.  This is why you don't commit monster money to a guy just because "he's better than what we've had".  I'm sorry that you have to hear this from me, Prime and Larry, but this team is going nowhere without major changes in leadership.  Gronk just scored again.

The goddamn injury bug - We already knew how banged up the CBJ are were to start the season but this weekend's trip to CA really stepped it up.  Cam Atkinson nearly lost his fucking eyeball on Friday night and Nick Foligno was stretchered off in LA yesterday after skating head first into a referee's ass.  GIVE IT A REST.  

Nate Allen - Oh, that be some ELITE terrible prevent defense by the fraud Eagles.  LOLOLOLOLOLOL!  Fuck you, Ace.  Your team is a total fluke.

Browns fans - I can't believe that I'm going to say this but Iceman was right.  Brian Hoyer never had a chance. As soon as he had a poor game, the natives would turn on him immediately.  And they spent the entire first half and most of the third quarter booing him.  Let's not forget that this offense isn't very talented and their rock solid center is gone.  No, let's blame the QB.  Hoyer isn't anything special as I've said forever, but you were leading the entire game.  You don't boo on your team when they are winning.  Go drown in a bucket of piss, idiots.

The debate of the week - CONGRATS TO BIG BEN FOR WINNING HIS 100TH START IN ONLY 150 GAMES!  WHAT A TITAN OF THE INDUSTRY AND TRULY AN ELITE QUARTERBACK!  Holy shit did they look great or what?  I think that the Colts are very good so that makes it doubly impressive.  That said, you are hearing a lot of talk about whether Roethlisberger is a Hall of Famer.  He still has a little more work today but I think that he is absolutely trending in the right direction.  If you told me to pick today, then I say YES.  He is a Hall of Famer.  This should get the comments cranked up to 11 today.

Jimmy Graham - Listen, bitch, I'll tell you what I had to tell Megatron.  Either play or don't.  No more of this half-ass bullshit that helps no one.  If you can't go then sit.

FANTASY! - Getting smoked in the LFL (although about to pull off another blockbuster deal this week) and OTHER LEAGUE.  I'm pretty confident that I will vanquish Lange in the MSFL and get to .500 which is the upset of the millennium.  And it's looking good to beat Drool in the G$FL as long as DeSean doesn't blow up tonight.

Speaking of which, Redskins/Cowboys tonight!!!  WEEEEEE!!!  We haven't humiliated ourselves on national TV in almost a month!  That has to change.  I can't wait.  I also can't wait to wake up my daughter after yelling racist shit at Jay Gruden.  FUN!  See you tomorrow where we take a garbage team to double overtime and act like that's not that bad.


Mr. Ace said...

I am a fantasy football GOD. Probably bringing home 2 titles this year. Thanks, Lange!

Nate Allen is pure shit as a safety. I don't understand how he is the best option available. We should just play defense with 10 guys.


Rapistburger is probably going to be a HOFer. BIG FUCKING SCANDAL! Still a rapist.

If London games mean football from 9 am to 11pm then sign me the fuck up.

JJ Watt pwning Mett with the selfie celebration was pretty awesome.

Grumpy said...

Already a HOF lock. Hate all you want; it won't change the facts.

Mr. Ace said...

Grump, you say that like you are proud. He's a rapist. Why do you want him to be a rep for your school/team?

Jeff said...

Just like I said, the steelers would house the colts. Beat the Ravens next week and then we'll talk.

The Bears are a fucking disaster, the jets have always been.

A 9:30 game in London every week would be awesome.

GMoney said...

You could always bring back Kurt Coleman? I'm sure that the adult book store where he works the mop currently would let him go.

JJ Watt should run for President.

Isn't OJ in the Hall? I know that Michael Irvin is and he stabbed a teammate in the neck with barber scissors over a haircut. What I'm saying is that there is no morality clause in Canton. Does your play warrant induction. Period.

Yeah, I have to call myself a liar and say that I didn't hate the early start nearly as much as I thought.

After 4 years of beautiful LFL/DFL marriage, Drew Brees and I are finally parting ways. Sad day but it will probably launch Boz to a title and I like him way more than the rest of the guys near the top. No homo.

GMoney said...

By the way, I plan on watching Draft Day today. It's going to be horrible and I will enjoy every second of it just like Gone In 60 Seconds and Con Air.

GMoney said...

Big smelly Ape, if you want to know why Ben is always aces,

And since no one will go there, he (and his wife LOL) gave a million bucks to build an indoor practice facility (on top of our old tailGREAT spot so you know it's prime real estate no offense to Prime).

GMoney said...

I just saw that idiot for the Bears hurting himself celebrating a sack with 3 minutes left and down 25. Nice team, Prime and Larry.

Daniel said...

I love how you rip BeastMode in this post then promptly trade for him in the LOLFL. I don't know what to make of that trade that came over the wire last night. 7-1 bitches

Mr. Ace said...

I'm not saying he shouldn't be a HOFer if the numbers warrant it. I'm saying he's a piece of shit person who I wouldn't want representing my school/team in any way. That's all....regardless of donations.

Grumpy said...

Ace, he's raped as many women as you have. So how many is that?

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at how defensive Grumpy gets over Ben... get over it dude, the guy is an absolute piece of shit, rapist. Good QB, horrible person.


Grumpy said...

And that will be the last time today that I take the bait.

In case you missed it, Damman had the hashtag of the year on Twitter last night.

GMoney said...

#causedbycakes has been a thing for a while now.

If you would like me to justify that trade, I will. My running backs are horrible. Since Seattle isn't going to have him back next year, I figure that they will probably spend the rest of the season running him into the ground (like the Cowboys are doing with Murray). I started Joique and Jerick McKinnon this week and actually thought that my backfield was solid. Brees is not BREES! anymore.

Plus, I'm down to Edelman, Decker, and Gostkowski as the only guys on my team now that I drafted! That's impressive!

Grump, they want you to take the bait. Don't do it. Just know that Ben Roethlisberger Field is going to make us a NATIONAL POWER!!!!!!!

Mr. Ace said...

Really? He's been CONVICTED of raping as many women as I have. Which is zero for the record. I wasn't suspended for half a year by my boss though because of the enormous amount of evidence showing that I had in fact raped somebody and was a terrible human being. Goodell doesn't drop that hammer if they are false allegations.

Prime99 said...

Grump, that hashtag has been trending for over a year (since the A's loss to the Tigers in the ALDS was #causedbycakes.)

G$, I don't need you to break the news that the Bears are historically dysfunctional- I have eyes, bro.

I didn't watch the second half. Went out into my garage to fix my lawnmower. It was more fun than watching more of that ass raping (no offence Big Ben.)

Mr. Ace said...

Nobody is UNTROLLABLE when I'm involved!!!!

GMoney said...

Did you actually fix it or did you close the garage door and scream at it for a few hours and nothing changed?

Ape, you rape us every Thursday which makes you worse than the guy that was never charged with anything. We will press charges on you though and every vet in America has joined our fight.

And using the "then why did Rog suspend him" argument is foolish because Rog makes shit up on the fly forever and is the king of #IdeLies.

Anonymous said...

I know its before noon & whoever can answer this feel free to wait until "Walking Dead" talk officially starts...I couldn't tell from the map how close they still were to atlanta? If they have ever mentioned this along the way I missed it & have always been kinda curious? Thanks

Prime99 said...

I have leaky carburator so I tried to get some replacement parts and fix it but in the end, ordered a new carburator.

I don't think it states how close they are to Atlanta, but the show went there twice in season 1.

GMoney said...

Does it matter? They aren't going back there. Unless you are really into Georgia geography, I guess. I'll say they are an hour or two drive away. But I'll be back in an hour with my thoughts.

T. Iceman said...

I disagree about Catler. It all comes down to who else are you going to get? Good quarterbacks rarely hit free agency and when they do, whoever gets them is paying out the ass. If you trade for a QB better than Catler then you're giving away pretty much every last asset you own. Letting him walk and trying your luck in FA or the draft makes you the Browns. Catler is never going to be a top tier QB, but the Bears can, and would, do way worse. Plus he's the only one qualified to deal with Marshall's crazy brain.

Raperberger will be in the HOF because of his rings...which is stupid. Grumpy, you can stand behind "never charged never convicted" all you want, but you can't honestly believe that Roethlisberger did absolutely nothing wrong in two separate instances not even a year apart.

Now Hoyer. This shit is really starting to piss me off. Hoyer isn't Rodgers, Brees, Manning or Luck. He never has been and never will be. Hoyer is a game manager, is 4-3 and a game out of first place in the division. There is no other franchise in the NFL, outside of Cleveland, where you can feasibly lose your job after one bad game. None. Everyone wants to point to the Jacksonville game (where EVERYONE was bad, mind you) and put all of the blame on Hoyer. Yet no one wants to point to the 4 games he's been responsible for winning. If the Browns were 1-6 or 2-5 right now...sure. Put Manziel in and see what the guy has. But they aren't. They are very much in the playoff race right now and a lot of that has to do with Hoyer. What more do you fucking want at this point in the season?! Cleveland needs to embrace AND the organization...and need to stop fucking calling for Manziel to see the field. You want to make the playoffs this year? Well Hoyer is the best option for that to happen.

GMoney said...

LOL that asshole from Staind. Way to look like H. John Benjamin and be a terrible singer. I DO NOT forgive you!

Cutler is a loser. That is a FACT. He always has been and he always will be. Just like Romo. You don't throw a ton of money (and even worse the commitment) to a loser just because. The Bears were better without him last year. Clearly, that was not a fluke. Hell, the Bears are likely drafting between 10 and 15 next year...take fucking Jameis and get rid of the cancers. Dump Cutler on the Jets for whatever. Trade Marshall to whoever. Fire Trestman and hire Jimmy BRAH.

See? An extreme makeover garbage franchise edition can be done. What they have isn't working. And it isn't going to.

But, like I said, I do agree about your fellow piss drinkers. Johnny isn't ready and he isn't going to be in 2014 so GIVE IT A REST.

GMoney said...

Hey Ape, it took me three years to finally look at the MSFL league setting (very ELITE of me) and I have a few questions:

1. Why do you give points for TDs greater than 50 yards?
2. Why do receivers get a point for going over 100 yards but QBs and RBs do not have yardage landmarks?

Bonus points seem lame to me. I'll hang up and listen to your likely bullshit explanation after you adopt 14 more dogs. Thanks. War Terrible Commissioners.

Mr. Ace said...


Honest answer...I have no idea. I haven't touched the settings since the league was created. I guess I was just in the mood for explosive plays whend originally setting up the settings. I refuse to change it so DEAL WITH IT.

T. Iceman said...

LOL. He said ditch the cancers and then draft Jameis. A five year old in a 20 year olds body.

Prime99 said...

Those moves would fuck the Bears right in the pussy. Or at least the drafting Jameis move.

GMoney said...

Jameis and Jimmy BRAH would be a legendary duo and you know it!

Mr. Ace said...

Bears should have got Alex Smiff

GMoney said...


*The first three episodes have been pretty good but if you watched the preview for next week, the theme is literally WHO TOOK BETH so expect this to get horrible again.

*RIP Bob Stookey. Your character was stupid and served very little purpose at all and no one will miss you. Your legendary battle with alcoholism was pointless. This was the first time in like two seasons that a zombie got one of the main group's people so good job dead folks!

*Pastor Sydnor from The Wire sucks. Get rid of him already. He should be corpse food.

*It's about fucking time that Judith cried at the wrong time. By the way, thanks for all the well wishes with my single parenting over the next three days, you faggots. Babies wail when they have gas so you would think that gunshots would set them off CONSTANTLY.

*Sweet Angel Maggie just heads off to DC even though her sister has been missing for weeks and she doesn't even care. Makes sense! Worst sister ever.

*I'm kind of rooting for whats-his-face to be right about knowing how to fix all of this. Abraham has bought into this shit so hard and it is OBVZ going to be wrong that I'm pulling for it to be the correct play.

*Gareth and the goons die because they got out-foxed by Ricky G. Good. Cannibals are stupid to have on a serious show anyway.

So we're split up again and we lost one and now Carol is whatever. I'll give them a little leeway here because so far so good, but I already expect to hate next week's All-Beth turdfest.

Mr. Ace said...

All this buildup of Terminus and the Cannibals and the story line is completely dead after 3 episodes. HOLY SHIT LAST SEASON WAS POINTLESS!

I do agree the episodes have been good this season. I just have no idea where this whole thing is going.

Prime99 said...

The cannibals story in the comic books ended quickly (though differently), so the show took its cue from the comic there.

It's better that they kill these mofos quickly than drag it out with boring episodes. This season has been fast paced and very good. No complaints.

I'm interested to know about Beth but I agree that this next episode has a high risk of failure written all over it.

T. Iceman said...

I think at this point Maggie is assuming that Beth is either worm food or missing and gone forever. They were separated at the prison, remember? It's been awhile since that showdown. And that's assuming Daryl even told Maggie that Beth is still alive. I don't remember it happening.

I'm interested to see who Darryl gruffly commanded to "come on out" at the end. He wouldn't talk to Carol that way and we know Beth is off being sexually assaulted in a hospital somewhere in Atlanta (I'm assuming Atlanta from the view of a city landscape from her room). Hopefully it's Morgan. This show needs more Morgan.

I liked Gareth. I don't know why...I liked his character. Just a creepy, well spoken cannibal who likes to troll the shit out of Bob by eating his leg right in front of him. That's a pretty baller move, IMO.

I loved watching trashball Tiger fan die. Cocky asswipe until the end.

They're laying on Abraham being dumb as an ox really thick. I'm surprised he doesn't speak in grunts and points.

Something is going down with Maggie and Lesbo. Maggie was awfully quick to shrug off that chick being part of the group that decapitated her dad right in front of her face. Or maybe she really is okay with it and Maggie is the worst sister/daughter ever.

Gabriel...worst priest ever? Yeah. Worst priest ever. I would be pretty cheesed if I went to my church for refuge and the priest locked me out while pissing in his pants in the corner. What ever happened to fearing no evil? Thy rod and thy staff comforting you? I'm not sure I would keep a pussy like Gabriel in my group.

I actually like it when the show deviates from the comic and does a "Where Is Beth?" type episode. It keeps things fresh for the people who read the comics.

T. Iceman said...

Here's a fun fact about the comic compared to the show with what just happened.

Sasha and Bob were Andrea and Dale in the comic version. Andrea was romantically involved with Dale and Dale was the one who was eaten. After Dale dies, Andrea starts shacking up with someone else in the group. It'll be interesting to see if they take the same approach with Sasha...pairing her up with the person Andrea was with in the comic.

Cakes said...

I tend to agree that the horrible first half wasn't all on Hoyer but he was dog shit for most of that game. Why would it hurt to give Jonny a series to see if he could bring a spark? The notion that if you bring him in you can't take him back out is absurd. These are grown ass men. If Johnny comes in and sucks, bring Hiyer back. Not that big of a deal IMO. If the Raiders could catch, those picks would've been Yuuuuge.

That being said, the BROWNS are 4-3 and only a half game out if first in the most competitive division in football. I'll fucking take it.

Looks like I'm going to lose again in the MSFL and win again in my big money league. WOW! I'll take the beating here if it guarantees me good money in the other league.

T. Iceman said...

"Why would it hurt to give Jonny a series to see if he could bring a spark?"

Because you're supposed to show confidence in your starting quarterback that's winning you games. You say that these are "grown ass men" but psyche is a big part of every sport. Being a baseball loving schmuck, I would hope you understand that more than anyone. If you bench a guy after one bad game for a fucking rookie, I don't care how "grown ass" he is...that shit will effect him. And not in a good way.

Everyone's dick is so fucking hard for Manziel, they're willing to throw away everything that's been accomplished this year on a whim. Until the Browns are eliminated from playoff contention, it needs to be Johnny Clipboard.

GMoney said...

Yeah, you don't want your starter constantly looking over his shoulder after every punt or pick. A timid player is a shitty player. Plus, Johnny is NOT READY.

Halfway through Draft Day. This is a comedy, right?

Prime99 said...

G$ wants props for taking care of his baby daughter where he takes days off, drops her at daycare, then watches Kevin Costner movies in his short shorts. LOL. ELITE system scamming, tho.

T. Iceman said...

So does someone want to inform me why J.J. TWATT is so concerned with Mettenberger's love of selfies? Sure, he looks like a huge douche and taking selfies is a very feminine thing to do...but that's not your quarterback. What the fuck do you care?

Mr. Ace said...

He's JJ WATT, he can do no wrong. And I'm sure he was extra motivated to get a sack to troll him with that celebration. And he's a defensive end, he's kind of supposed to be concerned about the other teams quarterback.

GMoney said...

JJ Watt is a model American and only cares about the image of the League. He doesn't suffer fools ever.

Final Verdict on Draft Day...ridiculously absurd and bad and Jennifer Garner's character was the worst BUT I remained entertained throughout! Not seeing Ide in the background was a huge bonus. Fake Seahawks GM and the principal from Boston Public should never get a job in the NFL.