Friday, October 17, 2014

Open Forum: Scapegoats

The best part about rooting for a fucking loser franchise/team is that you get to be mad all the time and blame others for why you are always so angry.  Being a sports fan isn't about having fun.  It is about suffering through all of the goddamn times that the laundry that you cheer for rips out your black heart and then fucks it good and proper while you sit their in stunned silence.  Fuming.  No one better say one fucking word to you for the next hour or you will rip their head off.  That is how it usually goes.  It's great to win things but the scars are what you remember forever.

The older that I get (I graduated with Grumpy probably) the more mellow and accepting of sports outcomes I have become.  It isn't about maturity either.  It's that I have embraced my inner-Iceman.  I KNOW that my team will fail so I temper my expectations.  It is a reverse Cakes outlook on life (Allah bless him...I don't know how he does it).  If you accept that they're going to blow it somehow and probably in embarrassing fashion, it doesn't necessarily lessen the blow, but at least you won't be surprised.  At this stage of my life, I just SMH and roll my eyes.

Where am I going with this?  Who knows!  It's a bit of a rough transition but being a loser isn't always smooth sailing so I'll allow it.  I'm a big fan of picking one or two shitheads off of my squadrons and blaming them for everything.  Back in the day, it wasn't LeBron that kept failing for the Cavs it was goddamn Drew Gooden and his stupid hair!  I will never stop hating Drew Gooden.  Prime is a way better basketball player imo.  So I figured that today we could all go around the commenting room and share our scapegoats.  And if you are having a hard time with this, just remember that Ohio Buckeye fans are still blaming Joe Bauserman for everything.

Brian Orakpo. People seem to think that this guy is an ELITE pass rusher.  I don't know why.  He SUCKS.  If it is possible to get negative pressure on the QB, then he does it.  The Skins franchise tagged him this year because they wanted him to prove himself coming off of injury.  He has .5 sacks through 6 games.  One half of one sack.  This guy has always been more steak than sizzle.  Last year some time, I listed the most OVERRATED players in a bunch of different sports.  Orakpo was left off the list because he tore his titty.  Well, let me tell you, this bro is ridiculously OVERRATED.  If you want to know why the Redskins are 1-5 and will probably lose to Tennessee this week, it isn't because the offense sucks.  It is because they get no blindside pressure on the QB ever.  Let this fucking guy walk after this most recent shitbag worthless season ends.  He isn't worth it any more.

I don't know who I will blame on the Cavs but I'll just assume that Mike Miller will be a contender for that crown.  I will forever loathe Mark Teixeira.  And, on the ice, I don't know, I like all of the Jackets.  I suppose I could point a finger at Nathan Horton's shit back.  Tim Erixon kind of looks like a douche but he's playing well so I will allow it.

Let's play the blame game today.  But we can't exit Stage ELITE without a trip to the Glory Hole!

This week's MAC Glory Hole of the Week (5-4!) was tough because the initial game that I liked I ended up scrapping out of fear.  I initially was going to go with BG -1 vs. WMU but I'm backing off from that one.  Instead, I'm going with Army -2.5 @ Kent State.  Kent is 0-7, averaging 17 points per game, and can't stop the run.  Army can only run the ball.  Kent State is awful.  I also like Akron -3.5 @ Ohio KneelandBobcats.  Frank Solich is just doing a terrible job there now and I love every second of it.

That will do it for us this week.  G$ is taking his spawn to her first college hockey game tonight as the RedHawks come to town to do their annual pillage and plunder of Ohio Buckeyes.  It will be a nice appetizer for her first flag carrying in a few weeks.  BEAT CALGARY AND OTTAWA AND OHIO BUCKEYES AND NORTHERN ILLINOIS AND TENNESSEE TITANS!  That covers about everything.  Any team that loses will be Orakpo and his caveman buddy's fault anyway.


Anonymous said...

For OSU I still hate Ryan Hamby. That faggot tight end can die a thousand deaths. When he dropped those touchdowns against Texas and fucked up again against PSU in 2005 will forever piss me off.

Art Modell.


Mr. Ace said...

Eagles: Always McNabb and every safety after we let B Dawk walk.

Spurs: 2013 it was Danny fucking Green and Manu's corpse. Hard to truly have a scapegoat with this elite franchise.

Michigan: I will forever hate Morgan Trent for being awful.

White Sox: whoever had the idea of getting rid of Ozzie. That man is a GOD.

GMoney said...

I believe that that would be Kenny Williams who also thought it was a great idea to give Adam Dunn 8 billion dollars.

I really want some Ohio fan to drop a Brandon Fuss-Cheatem today.

And if there are any STL Cardinal fans here, you can throw in Mike Matheny who is a fucking idiot. Way to represent Reynoldsburg, bruh! That was a GREAT game though.

Surprisingly, the Jets/Pats was also a rock solid watch. Fucking asshole from Bowling Green blocking that FG at the end was annoying.

Anonymous said...

Indians - Recent times Nick Swisher. Past scapegoats include Casey Blake and Jhorrible Peralta

Buckeyes - Although he was on an ELITE team, Donnie Nickey is probably one of my least favorite players. Dustin Fox, also bad. Going back a few years, Ahmed Plummer was up there for the simple fact that all commentators said how great he was, but he would get burned on a big play once a game. Nobody really sticks out on the basketball side. Maybe Zach Williams. Always loved Burke screaming "Transfer!" every time he touched the ball.

Browns - Joe Haden...see reason above from Ahmed Plummer except Hayded gets burned multiple times a game.


Nibbles said...

Cannot erase the John Cooper years from my memory. It took all of Jim Tressel to undo that horrid string of losses against Michigan.

I remember the continued disappointment and dreading that game each and every year with him under watch. Sure made you appreciate those wins though, when they did happen. Now, a win over UM is a given.

Anonymous said...

Love this post... as being a Cleveland fan I can relate tremendously.

Kentucky - Tubby Smith and Billy Gillespie. How did those guys get THAT job. Tubby won a title in his first year with ALL of Pitino's guys. And his son sucked balls and saw the floor way too much.

Indians - Travis Hafner just struck out again. Jose Mesa for the blown save in '97. Without that blown save Dut wouldnt be able to say "1948". Gay. Also, Asdrubal Cabrera, Jhonny Peralta, and Nick Swisher. Those guys fucking suck.

Browns - the entire franchise.

Cavs - woah buddy could this list be long as there are so many Cavs I have hated over the years... Mike Brown has to be number 1. The WOAT. Craig Ehlo, Larry Hughes, Tristan Thompson, Tyler Zeller... Those guys are bad. Really bad.


Anonymous said...

Bulls-Carloa Boozer. Knowing that I never have to hear him yell "get that Jo" or watch him not run a fast break or his sorry ass D makes me even more excited then the return of drose (until rose blows up another knee)

Cubs- Dusty Baker. Fuck that guy

Bears-Chris conte. How this guy is still in the starting lineup is beyond me. Proud know your secondary us dog shit when you have a white guy starting


MUfan said...

Miami football - Shane Montgomery, Don Treadwell, Brad Bates

Miami basketball - Charlie Coles (although I adored the man)

Miami hockey - any Boston team

Lions - Matt Millen, Marty Mornhinwheg, Matt Millen, William C Ford, Matt Millen, any kicker other than Jason Hansen or Eddie Murray, Matt Millen

Tigers - any reliever other than Willie Hernandez, Branden Inge (although I liked the guy, he was a classic hit into double play guy)

I've lived through some horrific Lions football (0-16) and some horrific Miami football (0-12).

I actually blame Matt Millen for everything.

GMoney said...

A common theme here seems to be white guys in the secondary. So I might as well add in Reed Doughty who is finally not a Redskin after what felt like 4 decades of not covering anyone. If you have a white guy in your secondary then you are a failure. FACT.

Seal, I wanted to like Larry Hughes. I really did. He had the talent and his brother dying was sad. But man he was a shitty shooter. I still think that Drew Gooden is the worst. He and Mike Brown deserved each other.

GMoney said...

Nothing wrong with that logic, MUFan. That broad who was stalking you? Matt Millen's fault.

And if Blogger would allow pictures to post in the comments, I would put in a screenshot of Millen wearing denim overalls right here.

Grumpy said...

Brad Bates for hiring those two losers. And Tim Rose.

Mr. Ace said...


MUfan said...

G$ - I love that picture of Millen in denim overalls. What a moron.

And yes, I probably could link the stalker to Matt Millen some the pain of that 0-16 season caused me to make bad decisions, etc.

Prime99 said...

Cubs- there are just so many, but why blame a player? Bartman seems like as good of a scapegoat as any. Not Moises for throwing a hissy fit or Alex Gonzales for booting a double play ball. Not Mark Prior for keep his composure. Let's blame a fan!

Larry's picks were solid. Tough to argue any of them.

GMoney said...

Ape, hopefully you carry better than Daniel. Dude blows at that.

Grump, how do you not mention Todd Haley. He is Snoop's whipping boy!

MUDawgfan said...

Braves: Lonnie Smith. The worst defensive infield of the past 30 years (Greg Gagne and Chuck Knoblach)faked you out on a ball that MVP Terry Pendleton SMOKED through the infield and you stopped at 3rd and didn't go home. Game over, Series goes to the Twins. FUCK.
Runner up: Mark Wohlers

Falcons: I mean who the fuck knows. I guess you could say Eugene Robinson for trying to pick up an undercover cop at the Superbowl. Harry Douglas for falling down with 15 yards of open territory in front of him in the NFC title game.

Hawks: I don't have a Hawks scapegoat. I legitimately think they were always beaten by better teams in the playoffs.
So I guess, Josh Smith?

Redhawks: Any kicker from 2004-2009. We were terrible from outside 30 yards

Dawgs: Two candidates

Terrance Edwards - dropped a sure fire TD in his hands against Florida that would have set up a three way tie for the National Title between OSU, Miami and UGA.
Realistically though, UGA would not have jumped OSU or Miami (defending champ) so they would have ended right back where they were - the Sugar Bowl.

DJ Shockley's bum knee - Sprained his tendon at home against Arkansas. Can't play next week against Florida. Have to start shitbag Joe Tereshinski instead. Lose to UF 10-14. National Title chances are gone.

Anonymous said...

G$...I was honestly going to list Fuss-Cheatham for OSU basketball. Somehow he was a top 50 recruit too. I hate him.

Cooper and Hamby for OSU football.

Millen and Joey Harrington for Lions....I despise Joey.

I really hate Johan Franzen on the Red Wings right now.

Rasheed cost the Pistons back to back championships by leaving Horry open....still love him tho.

Tigers bullpen the last two years.


GMoney said...

Looks like the Rutgers football team is staying at the Marriott across the street from my office. Could be some quality Schiano Men in that building playing through the whistle. I would investigate but I like my knee ligaments.

Anonymous said...

Great topic G$

Cubs- Phil Regan, Alex Gonzales, & although he wasn't a Cubs player while I was a fan & only worked for WGN for 1 year I think Joe Carter's terribleness is pretty transcendent.
Browns- Very young, but Ernest Byner seems to work here for a particular fumble. Art Modell is an easy call, but the epitome of a terrible human being.

Buckeyes hoops- Fuss-Cheatham & Zack Williams sure angered the blood on a regular basis. Randy Ayers & every player recruited from 94-97 (except Wolfman), is either dead or in jail now & really took the program to lows we likely will never see again.

Buckeye football- Steve Bellisari, Hamby, Poopson's nword (lydell), ken-yon rambo, reggie germany, & john cooper vs illinois, um, & bowl games.

Damman- while I believe the announcers were way to kind to Plummer at OSU, I think Nate Clements got burnt for a td in just about every game followed by a "this guy just doesn't get beat that often", but the fans saw a different story & 2000 vs minnesota is a perfect example...

Wildcats- hum-diggity, the special teams coach, & bridges


Anonymous said...

Burke...I have never forgiven Clements for allowing Ron Fucking Johnson to single handily beat OSU in the Shoe. That's a great call.

G$...go to their hotel and cough and sneeze all over in front of them, since apparently their coach spent an hour talking to them about Ebola prevention on the trip....which is all the LOLZ.


GMoney said...

Well, the guy that recruited some of the vets likely gave them all MRSA so I don't know what I can do to top that.

Yelling "TRANSFER" every time a guy touched the rock is an ELITE move. Gave me a good chuckle.

Anonymous said...

Burke coming strong with some Buckeyes that I forgot about. Ken-Yon Rambo and Reggie Germany were program/coach killers. Reggie Germany pulled in a solid 0.0 GPA in his last year in school and Ken-Yon was a world class asshole...and they were our starting receivers in Coop's last year. Lydell...also another good call of a terrible player.

Coop gets a bad wrap IMO. Yes his terrible loses to UM and Illinoise in the 90's will never be forgotten but he put OSU back up with the ELITE of college football after a pretty mediocre decade in the 80's. His classic of "we've got too many slow white guys" after taking over the job always makes me LOL.

Those Randy Ayers' Buckeye hoop squads were the stuff of legend. Really buried the program for years.


Anonymous said...

And yes, omitting Clements from my list was aggregious. He is ahead of Plummer for sure.


T. Iceman said...

Michigan - For once, Ace and I agree about something. For supposedly being the fastest guy on the field, Morgan Trent sure got roasted deep on a regular basis. That dude was fucking ass and I can't believe he any played significant NFL snaps. And pretty much every Michigan FG kicker I can remember. Inaccurate or a dirty raper...take your pick.

Michigan BBall - I was pissed at Jordan Morgan a lot of years for leading the nation in missed layups...but I can't say I ever hated him or blamed him for Michigan being unsuccessful. I guess this honor would go to Chris Webber for still being a cunt about the fab 5 days. Zach Novak (G$'s favorite player) was a pretty big loser and loved shooting ill advised 3 pointers at the absolute worst time in the game.

Browns - Always Modell. Also Dennis Northcut for robbing me of a chance to see the Browns win a playoff game against the Steelers. Ugh. That play still haunts me.

Pistons - Ben Gordon and Chaz Villanueva. But at the root of that...Joe Dumars. Dumars brought a title but he's also brought years of failure and misery.

Anonymous said...

Any of you weekend gamblers betting on Sparty? Seems like free money.


GMoney said...

My mind just exploded. How can Joe D's #1 fan hate Joe D!!!

Who does Sparty play and what is the line? I could easily look this up but Drew hasn't done much FACT-checking this week. Don't want him getting rusty.

Anonymous said...

They are at Indiana and the line is 14.5. Indiana's QB got hurt last week and is out for the year...his two backups transferred...they played a LB at QB last week...and now they are burning the redshirt on a true frosh to start this week. So, they are essentially starting their 5th string QB and it will be his first college game ever....against MSU. I'm showing you the money.


T. Iceman said...

The new name in the hair shave is gonna be SVG. I've moved on from Dumars.

George Washington said...

United States of America: Barack Hussein Obama

MUfan said...

What online sites do you guys bet with?

Daniel said...

Scott Norwood

Daniel said...

Also - someone related / unrelated, I hate Frank Gore since I once traded Matt Forte AND Arian Foster for him (it was during the pre-season of the season they both blew up)

GMoney said...

I use BetUS...Costa Rica's finest!

Mr. Ace said... The euros do it right.

MUfan said...

Thanks. I used to use World Sports Exchange but I don't think they exist anymore.

Yep, just checked the internet's most trusted authority and they're out of business.

Daniel said...

I would also like to add that between this one and the fantasy post, there's a lot of 'Woe is me' loser talk on here this week.

MAN UP. What would Snoad say?

GMoney said...

Don't you have another date night with Dut to prepare for???

Daniel said...

I almost had a date with Mr. Ace but he took it back after I accepted. I shouldn't have expected anything less...

GMoney said...

Sounds like Ape is a closet Redskin.