Before we get to the List O' LOLZ, we need to answer the big question first...is Michigan still an ELITE job? That's not really easy to answer in 2014 which leads me to believe that it is not. I mean, they could have had Tommy Toilet Water (Miles) or Jimmy four years ago if they really wanted to. Now, the program is in further disarray. So I've got to say that it isn't and they probably aren't going to hire some grand slam motherfucker to turn things around. But let's break down The Money Shot's Wish List For Michigan nonetheless:
John Beilein - He rebuilt the WE ONs which were in far better shape than the football team. I have no idea how the Wal-Mart Wolverines treat this guy but they should consider him a God.
Rich Rodriguez - Bring him back!!! They treated the guy like shit and boosters were rooting against him from day one. Time to make things right the second time around!
Bobby Petrino - He put in his year at Louisville (or at least he is now) which means that he's good to move on again. Plenty of solid motorcycle trails in Michigan I assume and a top notch neck brace factory to boot. Let him live.
Wayne Fontes and/or Bobby Ross - A couple of Lions coaching legends know what it takes to win in Michigan. FWIW, I would love for Wayne Fontes to coach again. I've been wanting that for over 15 years now. Thanksgiving just isn't the same without him.
Rob Ryan - When the Saints fire him soon, he will have been officially fired by every NFL team so it's time to head down to college. Wolfman could destroy some Zingerman's and since we're talking about Michigan here, there is an ample supply of teenage Asian girls to quench his insatiable thirst.
John L. Smith - SMILE! Another coaching legend from the state of Michigan!
Ed Orgeron - He is pretty much the exact opposite of a Michigan Man since he barely speaks English and can actually coach. Da Coach O can recruit his ass off though and deserves another job after his interim work at USC. Actually, this wouldn't be that bad of a hire even though he has no ties to the Midwest. They could do a lot worse. They HAVE done a lot worse.
Lou Holtz - LOL! Whatever it takes to end his analyst career.
Greg Schiano - Now, we're getting somewhere! The Wolverines need some discipline and to play through the whistle. A Schiano Man is way more ELITE than a Michigan Man and that is a FACT.
Jim Tressel - What an incredible troll move this would be. I've heard him say plenty of times that he grew up rooting for Michigan and Ohio so whatever the hell that means. Granted, Tress is probably very busy turning Youngstown State into the Stansbury of the North what with his incredible high academic standards but a maize sweater vest could really kick this dead rivalry up a few thousand notches.
Charlie Weis - Be honest, you know that you deserve him. The one thing that Michigan has been lacking over the years is a "decided schematic advantage".
and last but not least...
Your new Athletic Director AND Head Football Coach: LANE KIFFIN!!! Oh yeah! I want a guy with SEC, Pac-12, AND NFL head coaching experience! If he can keep getting promoted then he must also be capable of running an entire athletic department. Kiffin had some pretty wonderful things to say about Urb back in the SEC days so why not move it up North?
I have no idea who the next coach will be (hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they promoted Nussmeier) and neither do you but I am very much enjoying the new rock bottom that they keep falling to every week. It doesn't appear to be stopping any time soon either. Oh sure, it isn't fun to beat a dead horse but what if said horse wrote here on Tuesdays and Thursdays? That's fair game IMO. Let's share some more asinine and hilarious options for Michigan in the comments.