Wednesday, October 08, 2014

No, Seriously, Who Replaces Hoke?

LOL Dauber
This is going to be a hot topic ripe with hot takes until the day that Brady Hoke gets rightfully shit-canned so, in the immortal words of Eric Wedge, "We've just got to keep on grinding".  And we will.  I've been very steadfast with my GUARANSHEED that it will be Jimmy Harbaugh coming home but what if I'm wrong?  I mean, it would be a huge upset like Iceman having the best record in the MSFL through five weeks, but stranger things have happened.  Who are the other potential dark horses for such an irrelevant position?

Before we get to the List O' LOLZ, we need to answer the big question first...is Michigan still an ELITE job?  That's not really easy to answer in 2014 which leads me to believe that it is not.  I mean, they could have had Tommy Toilet Water (Miles) or Jimmy four years ago if they really wanted to.  Now, the program is in further disarray.  So I've got to say that it isn't and they probably aren't going to hire some grand slam motherfucker to turn things around.  But let's break down The Money Shot's Wish List For Michigan nonetheless:

John Beilein - He rebuilt the WE ONs which were in far better shape than the football team.  I have no idea how the Wal-Mart Wolverines treat this guy but they should consider him a God.

Rich Rodriguez - Bring him back!!!  They treated the guy like shit and boosters were rooting against him from day one.  Time to make things right the second time around!

Bobby Petrino - He put in his year at Louisville (or at least he is now) which means that he's good to move on again.  Plenty of solid motorcycle trails in Michigan I assume and a top notch neck brace factory to boot.  Let him live.

Wayne Fontes and/or Bobby Ross - A couple of Lions coaching legends know what it takes to win in Michigan.  FWIW, I would love for Wayne Fontes to coach again.  I've been wanting that for over 15 years now.  Thanksgiving just isn't the same without him.

Rob Ryan - When the Saints fire him soon, he will have been officially fired by every NFL team so it's time to head down to college.  Wolfman could destroy some Zingerman's and since we're talking about Michigan here, there is an ample supply of teenage Asian girls to quench his insatiable thirst.

John L. Smith - SMILE!  Another coaching legend from the state of Michigan!

Ed Orgeron - He is pretty much the exact opposite of a Michigan Man since he barely speaks English and can actually coach.  Da Coach O can recruit his ass off though and deserves another job after his interim work at USC.  Actually, this wouldn't be that bad of a hire even though he has no ties to the Midwest.  They could do a lot worse.  They HAVE done a lot worse.

Lou Holtz - LOL!  Whatever it takes to end his analyst career.

Greg Schiano - Now, we're getting somewhere!  The Wolverines need some discipline and to play through the whistle.  A Schiano Man is way more ELITE than a Michigan Man and that is a FACT.

Jim Tressel - What an incredible troll move this would be.  I've heard him say plenty of times that he grew up rooting for Michigan and Ohio so whatever the hell that means.  Granted, Tress is probably very busy turning Youngstown State into the Stansbury of the North what with his incredible high academic standards but a maize sweater vest could really kick this dead rivalry up a few thousand notches.

Charlie Weis - Be honest, you know that you deserve him.  The one thing that Michigan has been lacking over the years is a "decided schematic advantage".

and last but not least...

Your new Athletic Director AND Head Football Coach: LANE KIFFIN!!!  Oh yeah!  I want a guy with SEC, Pac-12, AND NFL head coaching experience!  If he can keep getting promoted then he must also be capable of running an entire athletic department.  Kiffin had some pretty wonderful things to say about Urb back in the SEC days so why not move it up North?

I have no idea who the next coach will be (hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they promoted Nussmeier) and neither do you but I am very much enjoying the new rock bottom that they keep falling to every week.  It doesn't appear to be stopping any time soon either.  Oh sure, it isn't fun to beat a dead horse but what if said horse wrote here on Tuesdays and Thursdays?  That's fair game IMO.  Let's share some more asinine and hilarious options for Michigan in the comments.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Michigan is in the same situation ND was after Weis. People were wondering if anyone could win there and if it was as great of a job as it was in the 80s. I believe Kelly has proven that if you embrace change. There has been push back from NDalumi but the AD has back him on all of his changes. The program was terrible after Weis and after only 3 years they were in the national championship. I believe Michigan can be successful but they need to find someone who can build a program and stop worrying about the Michigan man bull shit.

Larry

Anonymous said...

I honestly think both BRAHS stay in the NFL. Mullen would be the best option but he's gonna be a Gator when they fire Muschamp. You listed Schiano....I actually think he's a realistic option. I'm at a loss really as to who it will be though. I'll predict Jeff's boy Chad Morris, because I can't think of anything more interesting.

All anybody has to do is look at the recruits that buffoon Hoke has brought in to know that Michigan is still an ELITE job. It will just take the right hire. Can they make it?

I did see someone on the internet yesterday say they should hire Tom Herman and then grab Braxton as a graduate transfer....that would be a hilarious monster troll move.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I think Jon Gruden is the perfect fit. He's tan, rested and ready.

Anonymous said...

John Snoad

Jeff said...

I thought about Brax transferring there. Ape would petition for another year of eligibility for Kenny G though. That would be the untimate troll move. Gotta believe that's why Urb said Brax is the guy next year when he was asked. I guess you gotta say that but o don't see how JT gets benched.

Chad Morris would be a good hire if they give him time to get his players there for the run and gun. Don't think the fans can wait again like with RR. I think Jeremy Pruitt is due for a big time job too, probably be in the SEC though.

Jeff said...

What about Narduzzi? That would be good trolling too. Or Mike Gundy, he's not a Michigan Man, but he's a MAN!

GMoney said...

While it would be extremely LOLZworthy, no one in their right mind would tell Milner to do that. If you play football here, you have a job anywhere in central Ohio for life. No reason to piss that away. Hell, he should go to Wisconsin. That's the only way that they know how to recruit QBs anyway.

John Snoad would be an interesting option as well. Really like that two word comment.

If you are a big time program, you don't say "Get me Dabo Swinney's right hand man!". Just no.

Schiano would be hilarious. Play through the whistle or you're getting MRSA, faggots!

GMoney said...

Off topic: Worse manager, Mattingly or Matt Williams??? I know that I like to use my best player as a PR in a do or die game. And everything that Williams did was fucking stupid.

Baltimore vs. STL...both teams too deep for their CS opponents.

MUDawgfan said...

Open the checkbook and throw the bank and Sumlin. If you pay him enough, I bet he'd consider it.

Plus you'd get the unemployable shitbag progressives and blacks off your back. They always come around when there is a prominent job opening DEMANDING that you consider their candidates.

Anonymous said...

Fun fact (probably): Nibbles got passed on Snoads old job as Gahanna's HS head coach. Stick with the young boys, Nibbles.

I think Harbaugh stays in the NFL, solely because of his ego. It would be fun to have him go back to UM and for them to be good again. If for no other reason than it's getting old watching this organization piss all over itself trying to find a MICHIGAN MAN. It isn't old, however, listening to the Walmart Wolverines bitch and moan.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Jeff....offering Narduzzi to bring his Spartan Dawgs D to Ann Arbor would be sumthin. I think Dantonio would lose his mind.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I still think that it would be lovely if they married Lane Kiffin. It's what Iceman deserves.

Anonymous said...

Larry you are wrong... Michigan was in that situation after Rich Rod, now they are in deeper shit than ND was after Weis. ND went with the right guy (yea I said that), and Michigan did not when they hired Hoke, setting the program back further. Last I checked, ND never had trouble selling tickets either no matter how big of trouble that program was in. Some big changes need to happen TODAY before they turn into the Miami Redhawks of the B1G.

Seal

GMoney said...

WHOA! One game winning streak, fucko! Just because you beat Spurrier doesn't mean that you get to belittle everyone else, bruh!

Grumpy said...

Which is a longer winning streak than Alabama, Oregon, Oklahoma, Texas A&M, Wisconsin etc.

Prime99 said...

If Grump didn't see it in person, it doesn't count.

Schiano is a funny but also decent candidate. At this point, I don't care who it is, I'd just like it done so we can all move on.

GMoney said...

We all know that Grump is just a fair weather RedHawks fan which might be the funniest thing that I've ever typed.

T. Iceman said...

Remember that before Weis, Notre Dame had Bob Davie and Tyrone Willingham, Seal. Notre Dame had a longer run of ineptness than Michigan currently has. And they recovered. So will Michigan but they can't fuck around and have to get it right. Larry is right on this one.

Even though Brandon and Hoke are giving it their all to make everyone think differently, Michigan is still an ELITE job and probably always will be. I would argue that program is a more desirable destination today than it ever has been. Bring one of the most storied programs out of the biggest era of disaster it's ever seen and you cement your legacy forever. Most coaches are ego maniacs and I have to believe being the guy to revive Michigan matters more to them than we think.

Anonymous said...

By your logic, people would have been lining up to revive after Carr's flame out and Dick Rod....but, Hoke was the call. I said I think it's still ELITE...but, it's definitely been viewed as a bigger job previously.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

When DickRod was hired, he was considered a hot name that people were after. Then he stunk up the joint and buried the program further. Then the Hoke hire was made by an incompetent boob who runs the athletic department like a pizza chain. There's only been one vacancy filled by a "what the fuck was that" hire. And it was done by a moron. I would think big time coaches would want to be the name that is attached with Michigan's rise back to the top.

Anonymous said...

Hiring Hoke doesn't change the fact that there wasn't a line of sick coaches knocking on Brandon's door to get an interview.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

I watched the 30 for 30 about the BC point shaving scandal last night. Kinda disappointing, IMO. It had the potential to be really good and kinda missed the mark for me.

Anonymous said...

This topic has definitely been played out...so played (like the "hellooooo" voice in Seinfeld, it could make a comeback if Darren the Intern makes it cool again.)

Yeah, I thought the 30 for 30 was weak as well. Of the three players that were accused, two of them may not have done anything except take money (the black for only one game). And the fix only worked in like half of the games that the fix was supposedly in. When they watched the game film, nobody saw anything sketchy either. Not the best 30 for 30, that's for sure.

-Damman

GMoney said...

I don't know...any time that the mob gets involved in sports, it's always entertaining.

That theory of Iceman's doesn't make the most sense. I get not having big shoes to fill when replacing Hoke but people aren't beating down the doors of the Astros or Raiders. Smart people might not want to work for that school and those moron fans regardless of the history.

T. Iceman said...

The Astros and Raiders don't have the same history as Michigan. Not to mention Michigan has talent on the roster where the Raiders (and Astros?) are awful from top to bottom. Those are suicide missions.

Being the coach that resurrects Michigan from the dead is something that can separate a coach from the rest of his peers. Like I said...if the talent is already on the roster, I have to think that would appeal to the egotistical nature of most head coaches.

GMoney said...

You could make a fairly decent case that the Raiders have a better resume/history than Michigan. And if you disagree then Darth Raider will stab you to death and then rape your wounds.

Anonymous said...

Pfft, the Raiders are responsible for gangster rap, UM is responsible for Kid Rock and ICP.

Ide