Tuesday, October 07, 2014

College Football Week 6

I feel the same way about weddings during football season, fellas.

I'm writing this in an airport hung over as shit.  My brother got married Sunday (fucking savage) so I missed almost every last ounce of football Saturday and Sunday.  I know you guys never do, but don't expect too much from me today.  I devastated my brain during and after the reception and I'm still not right.  This is what happens when you drink fifteen 8% ABV beers and then pile shots on top of it.

First, I blacked out.  Hard.  I don't remember a thing about this but apparently I went joy riding in Wheelz chair at a bar after the reception.  I attempted an ELITE wheelie and fell over backwards.  One of the bartenders came running over to help me up and as soon as he was behind me I popped right up and yelled, "I can walk!  It's a miracle!!".  Two hours later I puked on the bed, the floor, half my clothes in my suitcase and finally the sink.  How I'm still married is a fucking mystery to me.  HOLY SHIT what a weekend to miss football!  Here is everything I couldn't watch because of wedding things.

Michigan vs. Rutgers

Michigan leads the nation in embarrassing losses.  FACT.  I don't know what is more hilarious; Hoke still being employed or Hoke deciding to kick a 52 yard field goal with a guy who struggles at 30 yards.  There's nothing more to be said about Michigan that hasn't been said before.  They bad and it's not getting better any time soon.

Ohio Buckeyes vs. Maryland

Ohio won.  Who gives a shit.  I can hear Drew chest thumping all the way from Columbus.  It was Maryland.  You were supposed to blow them out.  Oh...Great defense, guys.  The "just outscore them" philosophy never blows up in anyone's face.

Oregon vs. Arizona

This was already mentioned but I'll say it again.  There is no better team in the country at losing to unranked opponents while being in the top 5 than Oregon.  RichRodded two years in a row!  With everything that's happening at Michigan right now, I bet DickRod goes home every night and just laughs out loud like a fucking maniac.  Who would have thought he would be the better option?

Oklahoma vs. TCU

Number 2 in the power rankings of losing to teams you should beat is Oklahoma.  Firm number two.  There's the Sooner loss you were looking for, G$.  Ask and you shall receive.  Never bet on Bob Stoops.  Unless you hate money.

Texas A&M vs. Mississippi St.

I missed the best part of this game as A&M made a furious comeback late but didn't have enough to finish it off.  Kenny Hill looked human for the first time this year while doing his best Geno Smiff impression.  He and Mariota most likely played themselves out of the Heisman race with those duds.

Treon Harris

LOL.  What a fucking boob.  There is nothing better than a dumb athlete.  AND...this is on the heels of a city wide sexual assault awareness movement.  I guess some bearded white dude has been creeping around Gainesville feeling up bitches in the dark for the past couple of months.  Then Harris goes and does this while everyone is on high alert.  Impeccable timing, shit bird.

UCLA vs. Utah

I've been saying it for weeks.  Eventually UCLA is going down to someone inferior.  Now, I could be Cakes here and rave about how great this Utah team is since they beat up on Michigan.  But I'm not a shit stain like Cakes and we all know Utah is average, so I won't.  UCLA just flat out blew it.  Nice to see Travis Wilson isn't drinking his meals through a straw after that hit he took in the Michigan game.


Whoever was the guy who picked Ole Miss as their sleeper team this year (Damman??  I want to say it was Damman.  So from now on...it was Damman) seems to be onto something.  They look pretty fucking legit.  Well...based on the box score since this was yet another fantastic game I was robbed of.

Notre Dame vs. Stanford

Fuck Larry in his stupid fucking ass.

Wisconsin vs. Northwestern

Way to be a notch on Pat Fitzgerald's S&M bedpost, you fucking losers.  The Big Ten is so shitty this year.  I can't take it.

Arizona St. vs. USC

THE ONLY GAME I COULD WATCH ON SATURDAY!!!  That catch at the end was unbelievable.  I still don't know what that USC defender was doing at the goal line.  Day dreaming about titty fucking his high school English teacher?  I loved watching Bercovici absolutely losing his shit on the ASU defense then tossing the game winner and swan diving into the grass in celebration.  Great stuff.

That's it, dildos.  All done.  Mail in post completed.  Fire away.  I'm going to go get some airport food and shit out the poison I put in my body this past weekend.  It was fun, St. Louis.  Thanks for the spots on my liver.


Anonymous said...

LOLZ....Who counts how many beers they drank? What are you 15 yrs old?

Way to miss one of the GOAT college football days too.

I was lucky enough to watch football from noon til sometime in the ssecond half of UCLA/Utah. It was amazing and way better than any NFL Sunday this year.

Bullet points....

*OSU continues to improve and impress. I'm not sure where "you were supposed to blow them out" comes from when the Bucks were only favored by 7...but shows just how much the college football writer here pays attention. J.T. Barrett is looking like he is going to be a very special player. The OL is meshing....WRs are actually catching contested balls...EZE is very solid at RB. Still concerns over the secondary....but, maybe Bosa....best DE in nation....will just sack the QB 20 times a game. Amazing how far this team has come since the VT game....but, that can happen with young as fuck teams with good coaching. Shaping up to be a brawl in East Lansing on 11/8.

*If Ape was writing today he TOTES would have put the GIF of Katy Perry slamming a bottle of beer and jumping off a bar in the party aftermath in Oxford, MS. What a game that was. I'm still extremely happy Laquan Treadwell is not a Wolverine like he was expected to be....then again he'd probably suck if he was.

*Sparty/Nebraska....shocking that the Sparty defense is ELITE again. Too bad they almost pulled off one of the best "SPARTY NO" of all time...man that was close to an epic collapse.

*Michigan....way to lose to Buttgers....LOLZZZZZZ! The Brady Hoke era continues to give me so much joy.

*USC/ASU....not sure how that dude swooped in there for that TD...but after that I almost pissed myself at just how much amazing stuff that Saturday had given.

*ND/Stanford...Not sure why Stanford quit playing defense there. That was frustrating.

*Oklahoma/TCU...probably the wildest game on chaos Saturday. Pretty much everything happened in that one. Costly loss for the Sooners.


Nibbles said...

I'll take full credit for not only claiming Ole Miss as my sleeper team but predicting their upset of Alabama. Go check the post, asshole.

Jeff said...

MSST > Ole Miss. Lol at your notion of an A&M furious comeback. They were down 31 and scored 2 late TDs to lose by 17. So close! Only needed 3 more possessions!
Being said, both MSST and Ole miss will probably lose this weekend.
Deshaun Watson put up 4 more TDs. Can't help but wonder how this season wouldve shaped out differently if he had got all the snaps in the FSU game.
OSU looked pretty good, still some room for improvement on D, but it's getting better and it's only October. Raekwon and Darron lee are turning into superstars.

Anonymous said...

Yeah unfortunately I had Ole Miss as OVERRRATED. Woopsie.

The Bucks keep chugging along. I tweeted at Brad Edwards Sunday night about the Buckeye playoff chances. He said the committee may cut the Bucks some slack for the VT loss because of a young QB and young OL. I don't know about that. That loss is going to be hard to overcome. But if the carnage continues and the Bucks keep winning, who knows.

The "furious comeback" by A&M made the score 48-31 instead of 48-17. That game was never in doubt.


Anonymous said...

And that was the best day of football that I can remember. Flipping between Ole Miss/Bama, TCU/OU and ND/Stanford was damn near impossible. It was absolutely nuts. College > NFL forever.


GMoney said...

THe NFL never celebrates Mississippi. Outside of Brett Favre's ranch and Eli's day care, they don't even know that it exists. Checkmate.

So if you were riding in Wheelz wheels then where was she? Did you just throw her on the ground and take her chair? She was probably just sitting in a chair but I like to think that you are the worst.

Katy Perry's Gameday appearance was the BEST. She had no idea what was going on but rolled with it anyway. Cute girls with big jugs can do anything they want.

Ohio continues to improve, no doubt, but I'd slow down on the impress part. They aren't beating anyone. We all know that this is a one game schedule anyway so whatever happens from now until then means nothing. By the way, UC got trucked at home by Memphis so that's now a bad win.

Rutgers storming the field...nope. Not allowed. A Schiano Man just shakes the hand of the guy next to him and then punches him in the nuts as means for a celebration.

Bob Stoops is Bob Stoops. Dude is just a giant fucking loser.

Miss State went from unranked to #3 in two weeks. That is some ELITE moving and shaking.


GMoney said...

The Redskins weren't horrible last night. I guess when you set your expectations to "please just don't embarrass me" then that shouldn't be hard.

In my OTHER LEAGUE, I lost by 3 points. I started Percy Harvin who had THREE FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS CALLED BACK. GOD DAMMIT!

Anonymous said...

Fuck AlfMo. The Redskins are a team of losers loved by losers.


GMoney said...

But I destroyed you with my kicker and Pats D so that must make me the greatest winner of all time!!!

Memba how I won while starting THE CROW? #FEEDTHECROW

Anonymous said...

I missed the greatest college football day because I had to work. I was able to record the Notre Dame game and avoided anything that would of let me know the outcome. ND's defense looked great again but I'm not really sold on Hogan. His throwing motion looks odd. Best part of this defense is everyone is young so they should continue to get better.

The game in two weeks against FSU should be a good one but UNC has the ultimate trap game feel being right in the middle of STANFORD FOOTBALL and FSU.

Lulz Michigan

Good win by Ohio as they did what they were suppose to do against an inferior team

G$-You need ND agreed to play the Redhawks in 2017? Will chuck Martin still be coaching by then?


T. Iceman said...

I think I was pretty clear when I said couldn't watch the games because of a wedding, Jeff. It just looked like A&M came back. It appears they didn't.

Wheelz was in a booth, G$. She was pretty impressed with my antics. I kinda wish I was there to see the look on the maid's face when she started cleaning up that crime scene. It was probably the worst day of her life.

GMoney said...

Oh I saw it, Larry. On my birthday in 2017 (J/k I'll be dead) the RedHawks destroy Notre Dame. Been awhile since the Irish have played a MAC school, I think, but this matchup was inevitable. NBC can't wait to nationally televise this epic event.

Kevin Hogan throws like a worse Kaepernick.

Anonymous said...

You're underselling your wedding.


Anonymous said...

I hate the fact that we agreed to play a MAC school. That's a big ten thing. Not sure if CHuck Martin being there played a part in it but whatever.

Anonymous said...

Larry....UNC is awful....stop your worries.

Damman...agreed on the committee. Who the fuck knows what they will factor in. Still hard to envision....just need to keep winning and let things shake out. A waste of time to think about at this point.

It's actually another good slate of college games this weekend. Highlighted by the primetime cripple fight between Michigan and Pedo State....LOLZ.


T. Iceman said...

For all you beer nerds out there, the reception was at this brew pub called Schlaflys in St. Louis. Pretty decent stuff. Warning...the pumpkin beer will make your puke look like brain matter.

GMoney said...

You think that you're better than the MAC? Surely you jest. Has Notre Dame had a guy go in the top 5 (and 1 overall even though he sucks) in the last two NFL drafts???

Is anyone in the MAC paying Charlie Weis?

Is the MAC known worldwide for killing students?

Step the fuck off, bruh. We gonna roll by 40. AT LEAST! We're doing it for Lizzy Seeburg!

Prime99 said...

Nibbles- never trust Seattle D on a Monday. Sometimes they'll getcha! WOOOOOO!

T. Iceman said...

Notre Dame is great at putting backup QBs in the NFL. Maybe the best, even.

I really don't think they'll do it...but it would be impressive if ND ran the table with that schedule. But seriously...fuck those guys.

Anonymous said...

Has the MAC had QB prodigies like Brady Quinn and jimmy Clausen? I think not. As long as ND can keep it close in the first quarter I'll be happy.

I hope the resort I'm staying at in Mexico will have NBC or I'm going to flip my shit.


Cakes said...

Rutgers fans rushing the field was adorable. That may be more embarrassing than the Michigan football team.

We are way past trying to defend Michigan or any of the teams that beat them okay, Ice. Trying to claim Utah is good because they beat Michigan is all the LULZ. That strategy is reserved for teams that slip up once and have a bad loss. There is nothing else to say about the dumpster fire in Ann Arbor.

The buckeye secondary still concerns me but Jeff is right about Lee and McMillan. Those two are turning into monsters.

Obviously this helps the Buckeyes in their slim playoff hopes but it's still a long shot. Obviously they need to win out convincingly and need another Saturday like this before the end if the season.

Anonymous said...

Don't see them running the table. @FSU @ASU @USC and still have a game against Louisville and Navy

If they go 11-1 they should be in playoff but I'm not sure they can even do that.


T. Iceman said...

I didn't claim Utah was good, Cakes. Try reading. I said you're natorious for that kind of shit. Trying to convince the world a bad or average team is better than they are because your team struggled or lost against them.

Anonymous said...

You guys need to relax on Buttgers. Any time you get your first conference win in the greatest conference on earth it's worth a field rush....even if it's against the awfulness that is Michigan.


GMoney said...

I still can't believe that Michigan beat the RedHawks. So far, that is the upset of the season.

T. Iceman said...

Oh man. That alabama fan going off on Colin T. is fucking great. Calls him Cowturd at least 5 times. Nice to see that nickname getting legs. I don't know what he said but I'm sure it was idiotic and deserved the hate.

Anonymous said...

Ray Allen to the Cavs is done.


Anonymous said...

Lets talk about that now so G$ has nothing to write about tomorrow.


Jeff said...

I'm sure G$ has a great NHL preview fired up for tomorrow

Mr. Ace said...

The Langes had their baby adding another young lady to THE MONEY SHOT ARMY.

I didn't see a snap of college football so all I have to say is #FireHoke.

GMoney said...

Ray Allen isn't getting his own post here. Unless he is a serial rapist. Is he a serial rapist? Dude is going to play 10 minutes a night.

Oh man, my NHL Preview would be a weeklong event.

Everybody needs to tell their poopdick buddies/bros to not have a Fall wedding. It ruins everything. Nothing happens in the Spring and Summer. NOTHING.

T. Iceman said...

When my older brother finally pulls the trigger on marriage, I won't have to worry about a fall wedding. His priorities are straight.

Anonymous said...

Michigan fans should be asking for Fall weddings these days.


Anonymous said...

Michigan fans should be asking for death.

--Lloyd Carr

GMoney said...

Iceman, I just listened to Phyllis from Mulga's strong as fuck takes and I can't stop dying over here. That defined ELITE. Finebaum has the best worst job in the world.

“Kiss my butt! Roll Tide!”

T. Iceman said...

Has there ever been a Moneyshot WOMAN of the year?? This woman could make history this year. Lighting up Colin T. knows no gender.

GMoney said...

The state trooper that sort of choke-slammed the Ole Miss Bro running at SabeCakes was pretty incredible, too.

Anonymous said...

Cakes should be a finalist for Money Shot WOY.