I feel the same way about weddings during football season, fellas.
I'm writing this in an airport hung over as shit. My brother got married Sunday (fucking savage) so I missed almost every last ounce of football Saturday and Sunday. I know you guys never do, but don't expect too much from me today. I devastated my brain during and after the reception and I'm still not right. This is what happens when you drink fifteen 8% ABV beers and then pile shots on top of it.
First, I blacked out. Hard. I don't remember a thing about this but apparently I went joy riding in Wheelz chair at a bar after the reception. I attempted an ELITE wheelie and fell over backwards. One of the bartenders came running over to help me up and as soon as he was behind me I popped right up and yelled, "I can walk! It's a miracle!!". Two hours later I puked on the bed, the floor, half my clothes in my suitcase and finally the sink. How I'm still married is a fucking mystery to me. HOLY SHIT what a weekend to miss football! Here is everything I couldn't watch because of wedding things.
Michigan vs. Rutgers
Michigan leads the nation in embarrassing losses. FACT. I don't know what is more hilarious; Hoke still being employed or Hoke deciding to kick a 52 yard field goal with a guy who struggles at 30 yards. There's nothing more to be said about Michigan that hasn't been said before. They bad and it's not getting better any time soon.
Ohio Buckeyes vs. Maryland
Ohio won. Who gives a shit. I can hear Drew chest thumping all the way from Columbus. It was Maryland. You were supposed to blow them out. Oh...Great defense, guys. The "just outscore them" philosophy never blows up in anyone's face.
Oregon vs. Arizona
This was already mentioned but I'll say it again. There is no better team in the country at losing to unranked opponents while being in the top 5 than Oregon. RichRodded two years in a row! With everything that's happening at Michigan right now, I bet DickRod goes home every night and just laughs out loud like a fucking maniac. Who would have thought he would be the better option?
Oklahoma vs. TCU
Number 2 in the power rankings of losing to teams you should beat is Oklahoma. Firm number two. There's the Sooner loss you were looking for, G$. Ask and you shall receive. Never bet on Bob Stoops. Unless you hate money.
Texas A&M vs. Mississippi St.
I missed the best part of this game as A&M made a furious comeback late but didn't have enough to finish it off. Kenny Hill looked human for the first time this year while doing his best Geno Smiff impression. He and Mariota most likely played themselves out of the Heisman race with those duds.
LOL. What a fucking boob. There is nothing better than a dumb athlete. AND...this is on the heels of a city wide sexual assault awareness movement. I guess some bearded white dude has been creeping around Gainesville feeling up bitches in the dark for the past couple of months. Then Harris goes and does this while everyone is on high alert. Impeccable timing, shit bird.
UCLA vs. Utah
I've been saying it for weeks. Eventually UCLA is going down to someone inferior. Now, I could be Cakes here and rave about how great this Utah team is since they beat up on Michigan. But I'm not a shit stain like Cakes and we all know Utah is average, so I won't. UCLA just flat out blew it. Nice to see Travis Wilson isn't drinking his meals through a straw after that hit he took in the Michigan game.
Ole Miss vs. ROLL DAMN SABECAKES
Whoever was the guy who picked Ole Miss as their sleeper team this year (Damman?? I want to say it was Damman. So from now on...it was Damman) seems to be onto something. They look pretty fucking legit. Well...based on the box score since this was yet another fantastic game I was robbed of.
Notre Dame vs. Stanford
Fuck Larry in his stupid fucking ass.
Wisconsin vs. Northwestern
Way to be a notch on Pat Fitzgerald's S&M bedpost, you fucking losers. The Big Ten is so shitty this year. I can't take it.
Arizona St. vs. USC
THE ONLY GAME I COULD WATCH ON SATURDAY!!! That catch at the end was unbelievable. I still don't know what that USC defender was doing at the goal line. Day dreaming about titty fucking his high school English teacher? I loved watching Bercovici absolutely losing his shit on the ASU defense then tossing the game winner and swan diving into the grass in celebration. Great stuff.
That's it, dildos. All done. Mail in post completed. Fire away. I'm going to go get some airport food and shit out the poison I put in my body this past weekend. It was fun, St. Louis. Thanks for the spots on my liver.