|Shameless Boob Intro? Check.|
Mr. Ace: Brady! It's so great to meet you. If this was 2012 I would probably blow you. But it's 2014, so I'd much rather kick you straight in the taint.
Brady Hoke: (inaudible groaning)
ACE: Oh.....alright. Well let me just explain why we are here. First, I want you fired so hard. Like so so hard. Like Grumpy during that episode of Golden Girls where Rose is walking around in a night gown hard. Second, I'd like you to explain how it's possible for a Michigan team to be this bad. I was at the hospital yesterday and a German doctor said he has been in this country for 35 years and he has never witnessed a Michigan team this sorry...and then he made a holocaust joke. Great doc. Third, do you refuse to wear a headset because you don't want to be confused for Warren from There's Something About Mary? Lastly, have you seen my baseball?
BH: I LIKE PANCAKES!
ACE: You're fucking with me, right?
BH: I PLAY THE FOOTBALL!
ACE: STOP YELLING AT ME!
BH: Me no yell.
ACE: So you are literally a ruhtard? Like you need to wear a helmet at all times?
BH: I'm special. I throw the football real far.
ACE: Yeah, Brady. That's called retard strength. I bet you would crush it at the Special Olympics.
BH: OOOOOOOOOOH SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL!
ACE: Well what the fuck are we supposed to talk about Brady? Here I was thinking that you were just a bad football coach, or maybe even a good football coach that can't hack it in the big time. But you're a mental defect. I can't even be mad at you. This is actually fantastic.
ACE: Then again, if you got Michigan to pay you millions of dollars to stand on the sideline and clap maybe you're a fucking genius.
BH: (pulls finger out of belly button and puts it in his mouth)
ACE: Aww hell, lets try to talk some football. Why did you try to get Shane Morris murdered against Minnesota?
BH: White man good.
ACE: Okay. Now we're getting somewhere.
BH: White man bring me ice cream.
ACE: And you like ice cream, right?
BH: (face lights up) IIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEE CRREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!
ACE: So what does the black man bring you?
BH: BUTTMONKEY AIDS.
ACE: ...Somehow I think that's right.
ACE: Here's a random question; what's your favorite kind of pizza?
BH: (immediately cowers under the table)
ACE: Whoa, sorry buddy. Just asking about some pizza.
BH: HE SAYS STAND AND CLAP OR I'LL MAKE YOU EAT CRAP!
ACE: Who is making you eat shit?
BH: **whispering** The Pizza Man.
ACE: The pizza m--......Dave Brandon?
BH: (starts hysterically crying) HE'S COMING FOR YOU! HE'S COMING FOR YOU! HE'S COMING FOR YOU!
ACE: Holy fuck I can't do this. I'm out.
--DAVE BRANDON BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR
BH: (vomiting all over himself) PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME FIND MR. WIGGLES!
DB: I'll make you do whatever I like. Now clean up your mess.
BH: (starts shoveling vomit back into his mouth)
DB: (pointing at me) You! You sit down. We have to talk.
ACE: (sits down immediately)
DB: (holding a lit cigarette inches from my face) How the fuck did you get in here?
ACE: Dude, calm down. I talked to public relations and they said I could stop by the facility. Brady was outside chasing lightning bugs and I asked him if he would answer a few questions later. He agreed. That's all that happened.
DB: If you lie to me I will shove this burning cigarette up your dick hole.
ACE: That sounds excruciating.
DB: What did he tell you?
ACE: Umm....that black men bring him AIDS and white men bring him ice cream. That's literally the only coherent thing he said.
DB: Good, good. So he didn't say anything about having to kiss the skin snake?
ACE: What? No. God no.
DB: Or the lost gerbil?
ACE: Nope. Wait....Mr Wiggles?
DB: Shut your god damn mouth.
ACE: Oh fuck that's horrible.
DB: I told that fucking tard not to push him in so far.
ACE: So you're like a tard fucking version of Jerry Sandusky?
DB: I'm employed within the Big Ten, aren't I?
ACE: How many children has E Gordon Gee fucked? It has to be in the millions.
DB: It's millions. But they were already dead so I don't know if that counts.
ACE: Knew it.
ACE: So what now?
DB: I call the regents and some power boosters over here and we determine your fate. Or at least that's what I make them think. Rich people just want to be listened to and feel powerful. I give them that. They let me do whatever the fuck I want at Michigan.
ACE: Like hire a retarded, clapping sex slave as head coach?
ACE: How about we just forget this ever happened? I don't need to tell anybody I spoke with Brady, and nobody needs to know about Mr. Wiggles.
DB: That's not gonna work.
ACE: Even if I did tell people about this, nobody would believe it. Your secret is safe with me. I honestly don't even give a shit anymore. Continue to run this program into the ground. It makes my Saturdays more enjoyable knowing that I don't need to have any expectations for Michigan.
ACE: Seriously, you can go on tard fucking and I'll watch the good games that I would typically miss because I was watching Michigan hump each other up and down the field. Win win.
DB: (opens door) Go on. Get out. And don't you ever start caring about Michigan football again. Soon my plan of turning Michigan into a Special Olympics team will be complete.
ACE: If you successfully peddle that shitty pizza anything is possible. Just one more question; who are you going to get to coach these tards? I mean, eventually people are going to take notice that you are turning a once proud program into your own little tard fantasy camp. What guy are you going to get to come here to be part of that? There's no way a BRAH is coming to work for you...or even a half decent coordinator. What's the plan?
DB: I have a feeling Tim Beckman will be available.
ACE:....Son of a bitch.
ACE: See ya, Brady.
And there you have it, folks. Dave Brandon is turning Michigan into a sextard factory, and doing it well. Brady Hoke is just a clapping monkey in short sleeves who just wants to get Mr. Wiggles back...and hates black AIDS and loves white ice cream. Dave Brandon has stroked just enough power boners to keep control of the AD and keep his downy daycare dream alive. That's what it has come to. THIS IS MICHIGAN.
*The Money Shot apologizes for the excessive use of the word "tard" and any other iteration of it in this post. We have a strong relationship with the MRDD community...as we have one of their special people write for us weekly. We hope you were not offended.