Thursday, October 09, 2014

An ACEterview: Hoke-a-maniacs Rejoice! Your King is Here!

Shameless Boob Intro? Check.
Everybody wants to talk about Michigan and coach Brady Hoke. Simultaneously, everybody is sick and tired of talking about Michigan and coach Brady Hoke. So who do I bring you today? BRADY FUCKING HOKE!

Mr. Ace: Brady! It's so great to meet you. If this was 2012 I would probably blow you. But it's 2014, so I'd much rather kick you straight in the taint.
Brady Hoke: (inaudible groaning)
ACE: Oh.....alright. Well let me just explain why we are here. First, I want you fired so hard. Like so so hard. Like Grumpy during that episode of Golden Girls where Rose is walking around in a night gown hard. Second, I'd like you to explain how it's possible for a Michigan team to be this bad. I was at the hospital yesterday and a German doctor said he has been in this country for 35 years and he has never witnessed a Michigan team this sorry...and then he made a holocaust joke. Great doc. Third, do you refuse to wear a headset because you don't want to be confused for Warren from There's Something About Mary? Lastly, have you seen my baseball?
BH: I LIKE PANCAKES!
ACE: You're fucking with me, right?
BH: I PLAY THE FOOTBALL!
ACE: STOP YELLING AT ME!
BH: Me no yell.


ACE: So you are literally a ruhtard? Like you need to wear a helmet at all times?
BH: I'm special. I throw the football real far.
ACE: Yeah, Brady. That's called retard strength. I bet you would crush it at the Special Olympics.
BH: OOOOOOOOOOH SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL!
ACE: Well what the fuck are we supposed to talk about Brady? Here I was thinking that you were just a bad football coach, or maybe even a good football coach that can't hack it in the big time. But you're a mental defect. I can't even be mad at you. This is actually fantastic.
BH: YAY!
ACE: Then again, if you got Michigan to pay you millions of dollars to stand on the sideline and clap maybe you're a fucking genius.
BH: (pulls finger out of belly button and puts it in his mouth)

ACE: Aww hell, lets try to talk some football. Why did you try to get Shane Morris murdered against Minnesota?
BH: White man good.
ACE: Okay. Now we're getting somewhere.
BH: White man bring me ice cream.
ACE: And you like ice cream, right?
BH: (face lights up) IIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEE CRREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!
ACE: So what does the black man bring you?
BH: AIDS.
ACE: What?
BH: BUTTMONKEY AIDS.
ACE: ...Somehow I think that's right.

ACE: Here's a random question; what's your favorite kind of pizza?
BH: (immediately cowers under the table)
ACE: Whoa, sorry buddy. Just asking about some pizza.
BH: HE SAYS STAND AND CLAP OR I'LL MAKE YOU EAT CRAP!
ACE: Who is making you eat shit?
BH: **whispering** The Pizza Man.
ACE: The pizza m--......Dave Brandon?
BH: (starts hysterically crying) HE'S COMING FOR YOU! HE'S COMING FOR YOU! HE'S COMING FOR YOU!
ACE: Holy fuck I can't do this. I'm out.
--DAVE BRANDON BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR


DB: There you are, you moronic motherfucker.
BH: (vomiting all over himself) PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME FIND MR. WIGGLES!

DB: I'll make you do whatever I like. Now clean up your mess.
BH: (starts shoveling vomit back into his mouth)
DB: (pointing at me) You! You sit down. We have to talk.
ACE: (sits down immediately)

DB: (holding a lit cigarette inches from my face) How the fuck did you get in here?
ACE: Dude, calm down. I talked to public relations and they said I could stop by the facility. Brady was outside chasing lightning bugs and I asked him if he would answer a few questions later. He agreed. That's all that happened.
DB: If you lie to me I will shove this burning cigarette up your dick hole.
ACE: That sounds excruciating.
DB: What did he tell you?
ACE: Umm....that black men bring him AIDS and white men bring him ice cream. That's literally the only coherent thing he said.
DB: Good, good. So he didn't say anything about having to kiss the skin snake?
ACE: What? No. God no.
DB: Or the lost gerbil?
ACE: Nope. Wait....Mr Wiggles?
DB: Shut your god damn mouth.
ACE: Oh fuck that's horrible.
DB: I told that fucking tard not to push him in so far.
ACE: So you're like a tard fucking version of Jerry Sandusky?
DB: I'm employed within the Big Ten, aren't I?
ACE: How many children has E Gordon Gee fucked? It has to be in the millions.
DB: It's millions. But they were already dead so I don't know if that counts.
ACE: Knew it.

ACE: So what now?
DB: I call the regents and some power boosters over here and we determine your fate. Or at least that's what I make them think. Rich people just want to be listened to and feel powerful. I give them that. They let me do whatever the fuck I want at Michigan.
ACE: Like hire a retarded, clapping sex slave as head coach?
DB: Precisely.
ACE: How about we just forget this ever happened? I don't need to tell anybody I spoke with Brady, and nobody needs to know about Mr. Wiggles.
DB: That's not gonna work.
ACE: Even if I did tell people about this, nobody would believe it. Your secret is safe with me. I honestly don't even give a shit anymore. Continue to run this program into the ground. It makes my Saturdays more enjoyable knowing that I don't need to have any expectations for Michigan.
DB:....go on.
ACE: Seriously, you can go on tard fucking and I'll watch the good games that I would typically miss because I was watching Michigan hump each other up and down the field. Win win.
DB: (opens door) Go on. Get out. And don't you ever start caring about Michigan football again. Soon my plan of turning Michigan into a Special Olympics team will be complete.
ACE: If you successfully peddle that shitty pizza anything is possible. Just one more question; who are you going to get to coach these tards? I mean, eventually people are going to take notice that you are turning a once proud program into your own little tard fantasy camp. What guy are you going to get to come here to be part of that? There's no way a BRAH is coming to work for you...or even a half decent coordinator. What's the plan?
DB: I have a feeling Tim Beckman will be available.
ACE:....Son of a bitch.

ACE: See ya, Brady.
BH: DISNEYLAND!

And there you have it, folks. Dave Brandon is turning Michigan into a sextard factory, and doing it well. Brady Hoke is just a clapping monkey in short sleeves who just wants to get Mr. Wiggles back...and hates black AIDS and loves white ice cream. Dave Brandon has stroked just enough power boners to keep control of the AD and keep his downy daycare dream alive. That's what it has come to. THIS IS MICHIGAN.

*The Money Shot apologizes for the excessive use of the word "tard" and any other iteration of it in this post. We have a strong relationship with the MRDD community...as we have one of their special people write for us weekly. We hope you were not offended.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

LOLZ!!!! Best interview ever! Extremely well done.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

This is from last night and is perfect for today. Copy and paste the link...it's 30 seconds that almost gives Ape's interview an interactive feel.....
Keith Britton ‏@KeithBritton86 3m3 minutes ago
From Brady Hoke's Coaches Show tonight. Hate to pile on the guy, but this is unreal #facepalm:
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1HQVpyUvEYl

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Absolutely the best interview ever.

Jeff said...

Well done, Ace.

CARRY IT MOTHERFUCKERS!!
(No more injuries please)

GMoney said...

Solid disclaimer at the end and the real life pics were fantastic, too. Chainsaw Dave Brandon is the GOAT.

I also like the implication the Gordon Gee fucks dead kids. He just hopes that they don't fuck HIM!!!

GMoney said...

Oh yeah, and most importantly...

CARRY THE FLAG!

Grumpy said...

While Ace has a fertile mind when it comes to interviews, I would strongly suggest that he never procreate.

Mr. Ace said...

This is the only possible explanation for Michigan's current situation. It has to be true.

Drew....Hoke acting like he knows what satisfactory means is hilarious.

Grump, THE WORLD NEEDS MY SEED!

I wish my photoshop game extended into creating GIFs. Dave Brandon as leather face crashing through the door would have been glorious. Same with Hoke being Warren and/or Cartman. I need to figure that out.

Anonymous said...

Ape....I think it's 50/50 whether he even knew what the question was referencing.

--Drew

GMoney said...

And to everyone who thinks that the Hoke/Brandon/Michigan mess is played out then be careful what you wish for. You'll be sorry when it's gone. Cherish these days. ICE CREAM!

Jeff, do we have a new slogan this year? I don't think that I've seen one. OBVZ nothing will ever top CTF, but I always look forward to what the marketing team comes up. Join The Battle was OK but I feel like we're due for something fresh.
Maybe "Gotta See The Springfield Falcons" because God Dammit.

Jeff said...

I believe we are still joining the battle. I bet they eventually do something like "You are the FIF line!" in their promos, not sure if that would be satisfactory though.

Jeff said...

And gotta love the kings getting dong hung on them last night. Unfortunately they raised another banner.

Cakes said...

I really enjoyed that interview but fuck that guy for giving the rest of the Brady's out there a bad name.

GMoney said...

Disagree. I can't think of a more fitting first name. Cakes Hoke is perfect.

HokeCakes are made out of human feces and frosting.

Anonymous said...

Fuck the Sabres and Carry It!

Ide

Anonymous said...

I feel like today is Ape's finest hour at The Money Shot. What a day for him.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Leaving em speechless. The one downside of my greatness when it comes to ACEterviews.

GMoney said...

I experience that a lot. When you leave it all on the internet field, there are very complaints. Iceman will never know this joy.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of that imbecile. Remember when he thought the quality of the OSU team he watched play VT would be that quality the rest of the year? You know...make little to no improvements and get 6 or 7 wins? Tuberville laughs at that idiot...

Film review and postgame meetings validated the Ohio State plan. Tuberville feels his defense was ineffective due to Ohio State "almost totally" self-correcting its errors during a bye after Virginia Tech.

--Drew

GMoney said...

While I agree with you somewhat, let's not forget that Tommy Tuberville is an idiot and a mediocre at best coach.

Anonymous said...

He knows more about football than our Tuesday writer....although I'm not sure today's interviewee does.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

I'm incredibly grateful that Tuberville didn't pull off that upset. I can totes see him being on Michigan's short list if he did.