Thursday, September 25, 2014

Who is THE WORST: College Football Edition

I have nothing to add
The subject is very simple, really; give me a bottom ten list of the worst teams in college football the last five years. No, I'm not just talking about the teams with the worst record...even though that would give us a chance to give Miami of Oxford all the LULZ. This list should factor in expectations, hype, recruiting, and whatever intangible thing you can think of.

Off the top of my head there is a BIG 3 that come to mind; Michigan, Florida and Texas. I am going total anti-Drew here and doing absolutely zero fact checking for this list. Leggo!

10. FAU- This is the one that fired Bo Pelini's brother for doing hookers and coke deals at the coaching offices, right? I'm pretty sure. I can't imagine this team has ever made it to a bowl game, and if they have it was hosted in Serbia. I'm sure FIU fits the same mold, though.

9. SMU Mustangs- Craig James killed 5 hookers. Never forget that, internet. I'm pretty sure that June Jones just quit sometime in the last two weeks...and I'm pretty sure he was coaching this team. The only good thing to come out of SMU in the last five years is Emmanuel Sanders, who is leading my team to MSFL glory. Also SMU stand for Southern Methodist University just in case you had any doubts about them being the worst.

8. UAB Blazers- University of Alabama Birmingham Blazers just rolls off the tongue so smoothly. I remember betting against this team a lot over the last two years. In fact, I bet against them last year when Southern Miss got their only victory of the last two years. FUCK! Southern Miss should totes be on this list. Oh well, we move forward. But never forget about Roddy White putting UAB on the map.

7. Kansas Jayhawks- CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA!!! How much does Charlie Weis make a year? It's gotta be over $3 mil, right? And that's just from Kansas. I believe Notre Dame is still paying that fat fuck handsomely for stalling out that program's return to glory even longer. So what you will about Charlie Weis(FAT FUCKING ASS HOLE), but he knows how to handle his bidness.

6. Eastern Michigan- They hired Mike Hart. That's the only good decision that program has made in the last 2 decades, including allowing Iceman to play sports there for however long that lasted. FUN FACT: When you google search Iceman's real name(This was the only fact-checking I did to confirm that it was actually EMU he attended) his Facebook alias comes up! WAY TO THROW EM OFF THE TRAIL, PAL!!! Also, I'm pretty sure Mike Hart is no longer there.

5. Miami of Oxford- This team is and always will be awful. Another FUN FACT: Since allowing Grump and G$ to attend school, the team has never won more than 4 games. I imagine when G$'s first born visits campus they will tar and feather her. (I didn't figure I needed to address how horrible the actual football program is).

4. Washington State- Remember when Michigan beat Ryan Leaf in that Rose Bowl #CHAMPIONSHIP? He played for Washington State. That program has been one giant steaming pile of Mastodon dung ever since. Even with a pirate captain Leach heading that program the last 5 years, they still can't get rid of that stench. BRING OUT THE POOPER SCOOPER!

3. Texas Longhorns- I'm convinced Mack Brown spent the last years of his tenure finding different places to hide in the showers while the players cleaned up after practice. Every time he is on TV talking about them he just can't help but talk about what great guys they are and how much he loves them. That's all well and good, but he Lloyd Carr'd that program. The average fan has no idea how many craters Mack left in that program for Strong to it out of. But as a MICHIGAN MAN, I know how that goes all too well.

2. Michigan Wolverines- Well what do you know. It's time to talk about the Michigan Wolverines. I have so much to say about how terrible this program is...but I've said it a million times before and don't feeling like bashing your faces into it one more time. There last two coaching hires have been awful, for two totally different reasons. The fanbase is extremely bipolar in how they want the program to look and who they want running it. But the truth is all you have to do is win. Hoke went 11-2 with a BCS bowl victory in year 1. He was crowned the messiah by all the Ann Arbor faithful and that year was the turning point for Michigan Man Football. And boy was it. Getting incrementally worse for three years with no change is an exhaustively frustrating process to be put through as a fanbase. And I expect the fans to react by putting an end to the 40 year long streak of having 100,000 plus fans in the stadium for every home game. HAIL!

1. Florida Gators- How the fuck did this team only lose one game two years ago. It had to be the luckiest season ever. You don't just go from 12 to 4/5 victories because you're totes not a fluke. Muschamp just isn't fit for that job. I don't know exactly what it is, but just the way he squirms up there during pressers makes me pretty certain he was never meant for a gig like that. I know he was "in waiting" at Texas for awhile, and maybe that would have been a better fit for him, but he just doesn't seem like a guy who can run a big program. Somehow I like the trajectory of the Michigan program over Florida, and that's damn near fucking impossible. Also Urban Meyer totally bailed on that program because he was caught fucking a grad student.

So how #ELITE is this list? I have went back and did some fact-checking now and I must say I'm pleased with these results. I could have thrown in some other shit programs like Idaho, but I think this list maintains a nice balance of the truly awful like Miami OX and the painfully, chronic underachievers like Michigan. DEBATE!

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

First off, LOLZ @ that note on Tardman.

Pretty solid list....but, of course I have some thoughts....

I'd put Texas #1. They are THE school in a monster high school football state...and they haven't even been close to ELITE for years. In fact, they have kind of just sucked. It makes zero sense....and now they have been passed in state for the time being by A&M.

I like Kansas in there. Big school...can recruit ELITE basketball players...supposedly amazing campus. They should be better than just always a doormat.

You should have had Da U. There is no better concentrated football recruiting area than South Florida. They should be raking in recruits.

Good inclusion of the other Miami due to pure awfulness.

I also think Tennessee deserved a spot on this list. With their fan support...SEC!....there is no reason they should have been passed by Vanderbilt for a while. Butch Jones is sitting on a gold mine.

Eastern Michigan should just abandon football...I understand just how awful the program is....but, much like if Ide were to ever have a kid...they don't really have a chance either.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I thought Google said iceman's real name had a up of coffee at Defiance before he probably raped the Dean's daughter.

Nibbles said...

FAU was pretty competitive in the couple years that Howard Schnellenberger coached them. Made a non-Serbian bowl game, I believe.

WSU was relevant in 2002 (ranked in top 25) when Jason Gessner was QB.


Strong will bring Texas back as long as they give him a couple of years to do it. The program just hasn't been the same since McCoy got hurt in the championship game against Alabama.

Mr. Ace said...

Some HOT TAAAKES!

Drew, the fighting Dooleys/Kiffins totes deserve a spot on this list.

Has Da U really been that bad? With all the shit that's been swirling around that program I don't think they have been that far under expectations.

Great call by Grump.

Nibbles with some really awful name drops. Poor form.

GMoney said...

I would have included NC State. Their claim to fame over the last five years is letting Rusty Wilson walk for ZERO REASON.

RedHawks have a conference title in the last five years. Do any of these other shitbag programs? I rest my case. We are the best.

What about Rice? That place exists!

Anonymous said...

There is a rumor that Notre Dame is paying Charlie Weis more money than they are Brian Kelly. I believe it because that is how ridiculous that contract was. God that guy was awful. Onefootdown (a notre dame blog) just ranked all of his 27 losses while at ND. The longest run during the Charlie Weis era was 55 yards and it was by Brady Quinn. So while I think it's hilarious what Michigan is going through. Hoke is basically Weis without the headset.

Larrt

Prime99 said...

As this site's Cal beat writer, they deserve a mention. While Tedford groomed some of the greats (Rodgers, Marshawn, Kyle Boller, Chris Conte, etc.) he allowed the program to nose dive. Now they have players (well, one at least) dying and are getting beat by RichRod Hail Marys. Pretty bad.

Prime99 said...

Have to mention South Park as well. That episode last night was phenomenal. Loved that they swapped out RG3 for Kirk Cousins between the preview and episode.

Anonymous said...

Weis was a completely unlikable, arrogant, terrible at his job douchebag. Hoke at least seems like a decent guy...just bad at coaching football.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I wasn't able to watch it but am eagerly anticipating it.

Can we include Penn State? Their last five years were a tad interesting.

Cakes said...

Texas and Florida are no doubters. Just a few short years ago, those were two teams that you could pencil in for title shots. It's scary how fast you can fall in college FB after a couple bad years.

Charlie Weis still coaches football at Kansas? I wonder how he sells that 6-6 record every year to the boosters. Probably just throws basketball tix at the problem and hopes everyone just forgets about him.

Penn St. will be good in the next few years. Franklin is legit. Nobody can expect to come out of that scandal quickly but they made a good hire.

After the cinder block incident, EMU should just hang em' up.

T. Iceman said...

There goes Ace with his NONFACTUAL yellow journalism techniques again. My older and younger brothers went to Eastern. Not me, you idiot.

Miami Floria is in there for sure. I would also be close to putting USC in there. Since Pete Carroll that team has gradually gotten worse. USC has to be one of the easiest programs to recruit for. So they are either getting the players and they aren't performing; or they aren't getting the players and need to get a better recruiter. And if the latter is the case...how fucking hard can it be to sell a kid on living in Southern California for 4 to 5 years?

GMoney said...

Don't forget about Lane Kiffin!

Anonymous said...

G$....What are the pregame plans today? Happy Hour at a Manhattan T.G.I.Fridays and then off to the game?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

MUFan....if you are bored today, I'd still really like to hear that stalker story. Thanks.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

SHIT! My Iceman search literally consisted of the first page of Google confirming somebody with your name went to EMU. #journalism

Rice probably deserves a spot. Penn State did not. Those sanctions really hurt USC so I don't think they belong. They were bad, but not much worse than what people expected.

Another school I thought about was Purdue. They are consistently awful and okay with it.

Grumpy said...

Didn't Iceman miss Club Trill by going 0-1 from the free throw line?

GMoney said...

Oh Drool, stick with the lower level commenters. You aren't ready for the big time. Go lick frank beamers face and be a BroHio.

T. Iceman said...

Grumpy must have missed ribfest two years ago when I shartered the pop a shot record at the bar in grandview.

Prime99 said...

Shartered should replace shattered as a word.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at Iceman thinking pop a shot success translates to on court basketball success.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Mike Fracesca doesn't get the credit that he deserves for being garbage.

My favorite part of this whole retirement tour is the extreme overkill. This is great.

GMoney said...

Just ate a big ass plate of pastrami just for you, Drew!!!

Anonymous said...

Look at you! So much growth in less than 24 hours. Proud of you.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Yea remember when G$ said Jeter wouldnt let anyone blow his retirement up and make it such a big deal like Mariano? HA!

Seal

Anonymous said...

Slow...I vaguely remember that...will have to FACT CHECK to make sure. But, I think you're on to something there. Nice memory pull on this day.

--Drew