|I have nothing to add|
Off the top of my head there is a BIG 3 that come to mind; Michigan, Florida and Texas. I am going total anti-Drew here and doing absolutely zero fact checking for this list. Leggo!
10. FAU- This is the one that fired Bo Pelini's brother for doing hookers and coke deals at the coaching offices, right? I'm pretty sure. I can't imagine this team has ever made it to a bowl game, and if they have it was hosted in Serbia. I'm sure FIU fits the same mold, though.
9. SMU Mustangs- Craig James killed 5 hookers. Never forget that, internet. I'm pretty sure that June Jones just quit sometime in the last two weeks...and I'm pretty sure he was coaching this team. The only good thing to come out of SMU in the last five years is Emmanuel Sanders, who is leading my team to MSFL glory. Also SMU stand for Southern Methodist University just in case you had any doubts about them being the worst.
8. UAB Blazers- University of Alabama Birmingham Blazers just rolls off the tongue so smoothly. I remember betting against this team a lot over the last two years. In fact, I bet against them last year when Southern Miss got their only victory of the last two years. FUCK! Southern Miss should totes be on this list. Oh well, we move forward. But never forget about Roddy White putting UAB on the map.
7. Kansas Jayhawks- CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA CHARLIE WEIS'S FUPA!!! How much does Charlie Weis make a year? It's gotta be over $3 mil, right? And that's just from Kansas. I believe Notre Dame is still paying that fat fuck handsomely for stalling out that program's return to glory even longer. So what you will about Charlie Weis(FAT FUCKING ASS HOLE), but he knows how to handle his bidness.
6. Eastern Michigan- They hired Mike Hart. That's the only good decision that program has made in the last 2 decades, including allowing Iceman to play sports there for however long that lasted. FUN FACT: When you google search Iceman's real name(This was the only fact-checking I did to confirm that it was actually EMU he attended) his Facebook alias comes up! WAY TO THROW EM OFF THE TRAIL, PAL!!! Also, I'm pretty sure Mike Hart is no longer there.
5. Miami of Oxford- This team is and always will be awful. Another FUN FACT: Since allowing Grump and G$ to attend school, the team has never won more than 4 games. I imagine when G$'s first born visits campus they will tar and feather her. (I didn't figure I needed to address how horrible the actual football program is).
4. Washington State- Remember when Michigan beat Ryan Leaf in that Rose Bowl #CHAMPIONSHIP? He played for Washington State. That program has been one giant steaming pile of Mastodon dung ever since. Even with a pirate captain Leach heading that program the last 5 years, they still can't get rid of that stench. BRING OUT THE POOPER SCOOPER!
3. Texas Longhorns- I'm convinced Mack Brown spent the last years of his tenure finding different places to hide in the showers while the players cleaned up after practice. Every time he is on TV talking about them he just can't help but talk about what great guys they are and how much he loves them. That's all well and good, but he Lloyd Carr'd that program. The average fan has no idea how many craters Mack left in that program for Strong to it out of. But as a MICHIGAN MAN, I know how that goes all too well.
2. Michigan Wolverines- Well what do you know. It's time to talk about the Michigan Wolverines. I have so much to say about how terrible this program is...but I've said it a million times before and don't feeling like bashing your faces into it one more time. There last two coaching hires have been awful, for two totally different reasons. The fanbase is extremely bipolar in how they want the program to look and who they want running it. But the truth is all you have to do is win. Hoke went 11-2 with a BCS bowl victory in year 1. He was crowned the messiah by all the Ann Arbor faithful and that year was the turning point for Michigan Man Football. And boy was it. Getting incrementally worse for three years with no change is an exhaustively frustrating process to be put through as a fanbase. And I expect the fans to react by putting an end to the 40 year long streak of having 100,000 plus fans in the stadium for every home game. HAIL!
1. Florida Gators- How the fuck did this team only lose one game two years ago. It had to be the luckiest season ever. You don't just go from 12 to 4/5 victories because you're totes not a fluke. Muschamp just isn't fit for that job. I don't know exactly what it is, but just the way he squirms up there during pressers makes me pretty certain he was never meant for a gig like that. I know he was "in waiting" at Texas for awhile, and maybe that would have been a better fit for him, but he just doesn't seem like a guy who can run a big program. Somehow I like the trajectory of the Michigan program over Florida, and that's damn near fucking impossible. Also Urban Meyer totally bailed on that program because he was caught fucking a grad student.
So how #ELITE is this list? I have went back and did some fact-checking now and I must say I'm pleased with these results. I could have thrown in some other shit programs like Idaho, but I think this list maintains a nice balance of the truly awful like Miami OX and the painfully, chronic underachievers like Michigan. DEBATE!