|HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE PETERSONS!!!|
As far as Peterson goes, look I'm never going to tell anyone how to raise their kids, but "extreme violence and intimidation" is probably not the best course of action. Who whips a 4 year old with wood? If you want to spank, fine. If you're a screamer, hey that's great. But beating the shit out of your son's scrotum is a terrible idea. I have no idea how the NFL is going to handle this (I assume poorly) but a 4 game suspension seems fine to me. Although his smiling mugshot really pissed me off. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THERE FOR, ASSHOLE??? Let's make it 6 (with time served) and hope that this is rock bottom for the league (it isn't).
And please stop whipping toddlers. It doesn't matter where you grew up or how you were raised, you're a multi-millionaire now. Act like it. Hey, the Redskins won BY A LOT this week ending a 9 game losing streak! Let's talk about the games!
Cam Newton - Oh, you hilarious scamp. That press conference where you kept calling Suh "Donkey Kong" was so LOLZ. Never heard that before. Keep in mind that you called him an ape and if Derek Anderson did that, we would have a race war on our hands. Don't call your own people monkeys. I shouldn't have to say things like this. And the Lions should take it easy on the positive thoughts from a week ago.
Matty Ice - Let's hold off on calling this guy ELITE and the Falcons contenders. We learned yesterday that the Saints have a ton of issues.
KELLYTOUGH - Holy shit, the Bills are 2-0. That can't be right. Boy, Sammy Watkins was TOTES not worth the #4 pick, eh? Terrible franchise.
The Women Wearing Ray Rice Jerseys on Thursday - Can't forget about these people! People should have been allowed to punch them in the face IMO. Also: Mike Tomlin's team blows. Also also: Mike Tomlin blows.
Rob Ryan - Poor Wolfman got bitch-slapped verbally by his OVERRATED coach in the 4th quarter and then his defense couldn't stop Brian Hoyer when it mattered. That was sad. The Saints have some big time problems to work out if they want to make the playoffs this year. One of them, shockingly, is not Mark Ingram who has looked great through two weeks. I can't believe that I just wrote that either. The Browns won. Unexpected but this team still stinks. That's got to be the worst part. You KNOW that this team isn't going to the playoffs so these wins largely don't matter. Bring on the next mediocre QB prospect drafted at the end of the first round!
Johnny Manziel - Nice debut. Such a beautiful hand-off. A real game changer there.
The Vikings - I think it's fair to say that they were just a tad distracted. Having to play their home games at the house of Jerry Kill's future death has to be unsettling, too.
Mike Carey - So CBS was two years late to the on-site referee movement but they got this blerd for their telecasts this season. Look at his fucking head! What is that? He looks like Jermaine "Dinosaur Head" Brooks. Mike Carey sucks. #TeamMikePereira4Life
Bishop Sankey - 2 carries for 3 yards. Yeesh...by the way, maybe that Cowboys defense isn't as bad as we all hoped it would be? Granted, Jake Locker is no Rich Gannon, but still. Through two games, they have been solid.
Everyone on the Giants - It's time to gut this franchise. Get rid of Coughlin. Try to trade Eli. Flush it all down. If you can't beat Drew Stanton in your own house then start sending all of your scouts to Marcus Mariota's games every week. Eli will forever be ELITE but he has to be the worst ELITE QB in the Hall of ELITEness. He's the fucking janitor at this point. FYI, Joe Flacco is the president.
Mike Evans - LOLOLOL nothing beats a good game-ending choke and Evans killed it by catching a pass to get the Bucs into field goal range but staying on the ground hurt after taking a decent shot. The training staff had to come out. Tampa had no timeouts OBVZ because look who their coach is. Ten seconds were run off the clock but since there were only 8 left, THEY LOSE! Just stand up, Mike. The stupid look on Lovie's face when he realized that the game was over four hours after the call was made was priceless.
Antonio Gates - I'm not buying this manure. Oh sure, morons will argue that Gates is back after his three scores yesterday. Smart people like myself know that starting next week, his toes will start acting up and he'll be a game time decision for the rest of the year. Man, you've got to love up a pumped up Marmalard beating the world champs. And now that Ryan Mathews is going to miss some time because of course he will, WOODHEAD BABY!!!
James Jones - DOUBLE FUMBLE! It's not butt fumble but Jones' Double Fumble was pretty sick.
Marty Morninwheg - I still have no idea how to spell this loser's name but you had to love the overmatched and overweight Jets OC icing his own offense and costing them a game-tying touchdown. One of the most Jets thing ever considering the head coach wasn't try to call the TO. It was the moron calling plays. Apparently, he didn't want his team running the "Touchdown Play".
Jamaal Charles - Poor guy. Sounds like it might be an Achilles. Boy, I said last month that you couldn't go wrong with Charles, McCoy, or Peterson as your RB in the top 3. Whoops. By the way, the officiating in this game was God awful. They called the Chiefs offsides in the first half even though it was the two minute warning. It was horrendous. I'm selling stock on the Broncos. Something isn't clicking. Team needs a good Molly-popping sesh.
RG3 - OK, saving this for last. First of all, what a dominating performance from a bad franchise. Through two games, the defense looks legit (Bacarri Rambo excluded because he is terrible). I'm back to feeling like we'll be alright as long as we stop shooting ourselves in the face no offense to Steve McNair. BUT, QB1 goes down in the first quarter to a NASTY dislocated ankle injury and Captain Kirk came in looking all sorts of ELITE. It sucks because I'm a Griff supporter and I want him to do well, but if he can't stay on the field then I can't sit here and defend him. I want wins. Winning matters to me the most. I don't care how we do it. I want RG3 to be a stud in this league but so far he doesn't know how to mesh his incredible skill set with what can keep him alive for a full season. So he is on the shelf again. It doesn't make our trade from the Rams stupid. Why? Because both of those teams still blow. You have to have a QB to win consistently in the NFL. We took a shot. So far, it has not worked the way that we wanted it to. To be honest, I'd rather have these injuries happen now instead of after giving him a monster contract extension. The Redskins will be fine. RG3 will be fine. Kirk Cousins will super fine because he is an icon. It's Beat The Fucking Eagles Week (I think).
FANTASY! - Hey there! After starting 0-4, I have a really good shot of going 4-0 this week. Do you know what's always fun? Beating the shit out of Dut with a switch that I made him cut down for me. DEAL WITH IT.
I'm on stay-cation all week which is ELITE and am very much looking forward to taking a daily nap. Going into yesterday, my two favorite football teams had combined to lose their last 28 games. TWENTY EIGHT IN A ROW. Make that one WIN in a row, bruh.