Monday, September 15, 2014

The Worst of Week Two Vol.VIII

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE PETERSONS!!!
Thank God there were some games played yesterday.  I don't know if I can handle anymore of these horrible life stories perpetuated by the league's best players.  How do you top Adrian Peterson beating the shit out of his toddler son with Grumpy's favorite tree?  Is Jim Kelly, fresh off being cancer free, the ISIS decapitator?   It wouldn't surprise me anymore.  If I had any integrity at all I would totally stop following this sport. I don't so I won't--let's make that clear--but the NFL is a fucking dumpster from top to bottom.  It is rotten to the core.

As far as Peterson goes, look I'm never going to tell anyone how to raise their kids, but "extreme violence and intimidation" is probably not the best course of action.  Who whips a 4 year old with wood?  If you want to spank, fine.  If you're a screamer, hey that's great.  But beating the shit out of  your son's scrotum is a terrible idea.   I have no idea how the NFL is going to handle this (I assume poorly) but a 4 game suspension seems fine to me.  Although his smiling mugshot really pissed me off.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THERE FOR, ASSHOLE???  Let's make it 6 (with time served) and hope that this is rock bottom for the league (it isn't).

And please stop whipping toddlers.  It doesn't matter where you grew up or how you were raised, you're a multi-millionaire now.  Act like it.  Hey, the Redskins won BY A LOT this week ending a 9 game losing streak!  Let's talk about the games!

Cam Newton - Oh, you hilarious scamp.  That press conference where you kept calling Suh "Donkey Kong" was so LOLZ.  Never heard that before.  Keep in mind that you called him an ape and if Derek Anderson did that, we would have a race war on our hands.  Don't call your own people monkeys.  I shouldn't have to say things like this.  And the Lions should take it easy on the positive thoughts from a week ago.

Matty Ice - Let's hold off on calling this guy ELITE and the Falcons contenders.  We learned yesterday that the Saints have a ton of issues. 

KELLYTOUGH - Holy shit, the Bills are 2-0.  That can't be right.  Boy, Sammy Watkins was TOTES not worth the #4 pick, eh?  Terrible franchise.

The Women Wearing Ray Rice Jerseys on Thursday - Can't forget about these people!  People should have been allowed to punch them in the face IMO.  Also: Mike Tomlin's team blows.  Also also: Mike Tomlin blows.

Rob Ryan - Poor Wolfman got bitch-slapped verbally by his OVERRATED coach in the 4th quarter and then his defense couldn't stop Brian Hoyer when it mattered.  That was sad.  The Saints have some big time problems to work out if they want to make the playoffs this year.  One of them, shockingly, is not Mark Ingram who has looked great through two weeks.  I can't believe that I just wrote that either.  The Browns won.  Unexpected but this team still stinks.  That's got to be the worst part.  You KNOW that this team isn't going to the playoffs so these wins largely don't matter.  Bring on the next mediocre QB prospect drafted at the end of the first round!

Johnny Manziel - Nice debut.  Such a beautiful hand-off.  A real game changer there.

The Vikings - I think it's fair to say that they were just a tad distracted.  Having to play their home games at the house of Jerry Kill's future death has to be unsettling, too.

Mike Carey - So CBS was two years late to the on-site referee movement but they got this blerd for their telecasts this season.  Look at his fucking head!  What is that?  He looks like Jermaine "Dinosaur Head" Brooks.  Mike Carey sucks.  #TeamMikePereira4Life

Bishop Sankey - 2 carries for 3 yards.  Yeesh...by the way, maybe that Cowboys defense isn't as bad as we all hoped it would be?  Granted, Jake Locker is no Rich Gannon, but still.  Through two games, they have been solid.

Everyone on the Giants - It's time to gut this franchise.  Get rid of Coughlin.  Try to trade Eli.  Flush it all down.  If you can't beat Drew Stanton in your own house then start sending all of your scouts to Marcus Mariota's games every week.  Eli will forever be ELITE but he has to be the worst ELITE QB in the Hall of ELITEness.  He's the fucking janitor at this point.  FYI, Joe Flacco is the president.

Mike Evans - LOLOLOL nothing beats a good game-ending choke and Evans killed it by catching a pass to get the Bucs into field goal range but staying on the ground hurt after taking a decent shot.  The training staff had to come out.  Tampa had no timeouts OBVZ because look who their coach is.  Ten seconds were run off the clock but since there were only 8 left, THEY LOSE!  Just stand up, Mike.  The stupid look on Lovie's face when he realized that the game was over four hours after the call was made was priceless. 

Antonio Gates - I'm not buying this manure.  Oh sure, morons will argue that Gates is back after his three scores yesterday.  Smart people like myself know that starting next week, his toes will start acting up and he'll be a game time decision for the rest of the year.  Man, you've got to love up a pumped up Marmalard beating the world champs.  And now that Ryan Mathews is going to miss some time because of course he will, WOODHEAD BABY!!!

James Jones - DOUBLE FUMBLE!  It's not butt fumble but Jones' Double Fumble was pretty sick.

Marty Morninwheg - I still have no idea how to spell this loser's name but you had to love the overmatched and overweight Jets OC icing his own offense and costing them a game-tying touchdown.  One of the most Jets thing ever considering the head coach wasn't try to call the TO.  It was the moron calling plays.  Apparently, he didn't want his team running the "Touchdown Play".

Jamaal Charles - Poor guy.  Sounds like it might be an Achilles.  Boy, I said last month that you couldn't go wrong with Charles, McCoy, or Peterson as your RB in the top 3.  Whoops.  By the way, the officiating in this game was God awful.  They called the Chiefs offsides in the first half even though it was the two minute warning.  It was horrendous.  I'm selling stock on the Broncos.  Something isn't clicking.  Team needs a good Molly-popping sesh.

RG3 - OK, saving this for last.  First of all, what a dominating performance from a bad franchise.  Through two games, the defense looks legit (Bacarri Rambo excluded because he is terrible).  I'm back to feeling like we'll be alright as long as we stop shooting ourselves in the face no offense to Steve McNair.  BUT, QB1 goes down in the first quarter to a NASTY dislocated ankle injury and Captain Kirk came in looking all sorts of ELITE.  It sucks because I'm a Griff supporter and I want him to do well, but if he can't stay on the field then I can't sit here and defend him.  I want wins.  Winning matters to me the most.  I don't care how we do it.  I want RG3 to be a stud in this league but so far he doesn't know how to mesh his incredible skill set with what can keep him alive for a full season.  So he is on the shelf again.  It doesn't make our trade from the Rams stupid.  Why?  Because both of those teams still blow.  You have to have a QB to win consistently in the NFL.  We took a shot.  So far, it has not worked the way that we wanted it to.  To be honest, I'd rather have these injuries happen now instead of after giving him a monster contract extension.  The Redskins will be fine.  RG3 will be fine.  Kirk Cousins will super fine because he is an icon.  It's Beat The Fucking Eagles Week (I think).

FANTASY! - Hey there!  After starting 0-4, I have a really good shot of going 4-0 this week.  Do you know what's always fun?  Beating the shit out of Dut with a switch that I made him cut down for me.  DEAL WITH IT.

I'm on stay-cation all week which is ELITE and am very much looking forward to taking a daily nap.  Going into yesterday, my two favorite football teams had combined to lose their last 28 games.  TWENTY EIGHT IN A ROW.  Make that one WIN in a row, bruh. 

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

Im surprised there is a New York after that call. I have never seen such seething anger in person, and I've sat through countless big Buckeye losses. Rex Ryan TOTES deserved to be furious enough to punch his wife and beat his kid. I kept trying to find his presser but it wasn't up when I went to bed.

The Saints might not be great, but that was a YUGE win for us. Hoyer coming up in the clutch even after that sack was great. Say what you will about the guy, but, he is 5-1 now and has played very solid. Also, Hawkins is pretty good, and Smiles had a great game. Terrance West is a beast. Haden is not.

The sad thing as bad as we may be, our schedule is so easy. We play all the turds this year, so, 9-10 games isn't unattainable at this point. And we get Bob Marley back for the last 6 games.

Michigan State qbs went 3-0 yesterday. B1G pride, amirite?!

Fedex turf will never not be hilarious. This also means RG3 is the worst backyard player in history. Still, the best faggot to ever lace up.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Bear down!

Bears looked awful in the first half but dominated the second half. They'll be contenders if they continue to play like they did in the second half.

Larry

Anonymous said...

Lions game was disappointing...completely unraveled in the 4th quarter. The rookie K has now missed three field goals in the first two games...he should be on the unemployment line. Scam Newton is a very solid QB.

Credit to where credit is due....Prime's Bears had a very nice win.

Da Bills make me wanna shout! Their DL was scary good yesterday.

Ted Ginn is still really fast.

Oh and one last thing........

#Windians

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Lovie Smith is still coaching? Why?

Daniel said...

How about them Buffalo Bills!

Yesterday was a rough day for fantasy owners. I can't remember a day with so many high profile injuries. Good thing I'm the Bill Polian of fantasy football and already stashed Knile Davis on my bench.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at you preaching how the Redskins will be fine after beating THE JAGS and shitting all over the Browns after they beat the SAINTS. Eat all the dicks, you troll.

Everyone in the stadium would have bet their life that we were going to lose that game by one point after that missed extra point. Cleveland Browns football right there.

Beating the Saints without Cameron, Tate (who I dont even want back), Gordon, and Mingo is a damn good win - even if the Saints arent great this year.

Haden did get owned yesterday - but thats not surprising when he is in one on one coverage all day against a guy that has 8 inches and 40 pounds on him. The Saints are stupid for not throwing to Graham EVERY play.

Once again, LOLZ at how the Redskins win was so much better and how that team will be fine, but the Browns are still garbage.

Seal

Mr. Ace said...

Sorry Seal for the beatdown. That's just what happens when you go up against this buzzsaw.

Skins still suck. I feel like if RG3 doesn't get hurt they lose by 20. Captain Kirk indeed.

Iggles by 20 tonight. Boom.

Anonymous said...

Mark me down for victories over Cakes and Dut. Lange will probably feel the sweet lash of my whip as well, but I don't want to put the cart before the rented mule.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Yea yea yea, Ace - good win dude.

I'll see you again in the playoffs.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Most fun I've had watching a Browns game in a long, long time yesterday. The defense was great and the offense made plays when needed.

I said it last week and nothing has changed...Joe Haden is overrated.

It is very interesting that G$ is putting a lot of stock in a win over the Jags but shrugging off a Browns win over the Saints.

No mention of Fantasy Baseball playoffs either I see.

Anyone see Jeff Heuerman post a pic on Twitter of himself and all time MILF great Lisa Ann at Vanity over the weekend? Good stuff.



-Damman

GMoney said...

I saw that Browns schedule and they don't make them much easier than that for the first ten games. The last six? You'd be lucky to win more than one.

The Jags are way better than the Saints. Blake Bortles can't even see the field for Jacksonville. That's how solid they are. New Orleans QB doesn't even know how to shave all of his face. FACT.

Bittersweet fantasy weekend vs. Damman. He knocked me out of the baseball playoffs almost entirely due to how bad the Yankees offense is and has been all year. But I MURDERED him in the MSFL and G$FL. Whatevs.

The Redskins sacked the elusive Chad Henne 11 times yesterday. Just imagine what they will do to the inferior Nick Foles? And Brandon Merriweather comes back next week so assume that Shady McCoy goes down in the first quarter with a mega concussion.

Ditka on Mike and Mike this morning was the funniest old man rant ever.

GO COLTS!

Prime99 said...

Iceman got me in the MSFL by starting Cutler. I'll take that loss since it meant the Bears beating the Niners in their stadium opener. YUUGE win!

It's interesting- the Niners didn't kick the doors in on that game when they had a chance and I had a few Niners fans tell me it was the refs fault. The holding call on Boldin aside (probably the worst call of the night), flags were thrown on both teams. The Niners should worry more about Kaep turning the ball over 4 times. That was the difference. Pretty excited to listen to the 40-whiner fans on the radio today.

Credit where credit is due, thanks Drew.

Other than Iceman beating me, I'm rebounding nicely in fantasy.

Prime99 said...

Kendo stick GIF FTW!

GMoney said...

Prime, I think that the Niners have some major flaws. I mean, sure, they've gotten up big early in both games but closed like shit. What I'm trying to say here is that BRAH needs to be a bigger asshole.

RG3 says that this is all part of God's plan so I'm not worried. The Lord knows what he is doing. Big Redskins fan that almighty one.

Anonymous said...

Damman...that Heuerman tweet was ELITE.

G$...out of random curiosity I tuned into Torg for a few minutes this morning. He was defending AP and said he hits his kids with a belt.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Torg whips his kids? Interesting. He must have decent insurance coverage now that covers welts. I have noticed that he is shilling his wife's real estate business now.

Like I said at the start, if you want to spank your kid or whatever, have at it. But you shouldn't beat the shit out of them.

#ArrestTorg

T. Iceman said...

Where are you getting your Charles news from? Last I read was it was a sprained ankle.

I'm with Damman...that was probably the most fun I've had watching a Browns game in recent memory. I'm starting to think the team we saw in the 2nd half of Pittsburgh and all of yesterday is who this team really is. Beating the Saints with a lot of key guys out was such a huge step for this team. This weekend against the Ravens will answer a lot of questions about this team.

It was hard to understand Mike Carey with every last official's dick in his mouth yesterday. He's to officials what Jon Gruden is to every football player on Monday night.

Yesterday was the first time that Matt Cassell ever started a game in a college stadium. How the fuck is that even possible?

Eli is a walking comedy. He just gets worse and worse as the days pass. But he's still TOTES better than Peyton, right? LOLOLOL.

Catler to the rescue. Now if my team can start working on not getting hurt I think I'll be okay.

Cakes said...

Browns hate... YAWN!

I'm not ready to say PLAYOFFS or anything but this team finally looks like they're playing real football. The defense looks legit. Sure they let jimmy graham fuck them up but who doesn't have problems with that ugly human being. Our front seven is totes in the top ten this year. If Haden can figure out to play without adderall we'll really be looking good.

Really happy I picked Ben Tate in my two leagues this year. Terrance west and THE CROW look like they'll be just fine without him.

T. Iceman said...

The Vikings just reinstated Peterson. What a load of shit. This is disgusting.

Anonymous said...

Cakes....are the Windians done?

Not shocking the Vikings let him back.

--Drew

MUfan said...

Saturday night was my 25 year high school reunion. Good times but everyone looked old. Seriously, 2 of the guys looked they were in their 50's and were mirror images of their dad. Got good and drunk and had to be up early to volunteer at a fundraiser for the college I work at. That part was not ELITE.

So the Lions game was very disappointing. You're right - any positives taken from last week are now gone. At least the Tigers swept the #windians to open up a 1-1/2 game lead.

And yes, my favorite college team has now lost 19 games in a row. Ugh.

T. Iceman said...

Ingram out a month. These injuries are getting fucking ridiculous.

GMoney said...

All Day for Comeback Player of the Year. Hope you all enjoyed that Matt Asiata era.

In all seriousness, what are the Vikings supposed to do? He was charged. He will plead not guilty. There will be time to punish him if or when he gets convicted after a trial that isn't happening any time soon. Hell, the absolute most they could suspend him is for four games. If you want to argue that they should have went with the full term, that's fine, but since I own him in 3 leagues, I'm OK with one game.

Of course Ingram would get hurt after two of his best games as a pro.

Eli has two Super Bowl MVPs. Peyton has one. Better resume is more important than who looks better in 2013 and 2014. This isn't hard. You keep wanting to make it hard. It is not.

OK, so Charles has an ankle. At 6 pm yesterday when this was written while I was holding a baby on one arm, there was a rumor that it was Achilles. That is why I said rumor. DEAL WITH IT.

Anonymous said...

This is what my bench was in the LFL this week:

Welker - Suspended
Doug Martin - Out/Injured
Jordan Reed - Out/Injured
Alshon Jeffery - Was told all morning that he wasn't going to play so I was forced to start Kenny Stills
Eli Manning - DERP

Not Good.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

The sad thing is that most fantasy teams have Damman's same problem. The injury bug is smugly saying "Good, good..."

T. Iceman said...

When both of these goons retire, Peyton will go down as the superior Manning. Only the dipshits won't think so. Super Bowl rings aren't everything but you seem to think they are. Is Trent Dilfer better than Dan Marino? Is Mark Rypien better than Jim Kelley? Saying guy A is better than guy B because of how many rings they have is stupid. You keep saying this isn't hard but you're making it hard by trying to create an argument for something completely idiotic. I do give you credit for not bailing on your Eli > Peyton stance no matter how dumb Eli continues to make you look.

GMoney said...

Did I ever say that Eli was BETTER? I feel like my argument has always been he is a better WINNER with a better RESUME. Which is true. But those are two SB MVPs...not just wins both against the best defensive mind of the last twenty or so years. Peyton has one that he didn't deserve against The Sex Cannon. And I know that I've always been adamant that the Manning Boys are judged on rings. But go ahead and keep bringing up Trent Dilfer which has nothing to do with anything.

Skins think that RG3 will only be out 4-6 weeks. That seems like WAY too much of a stretch.

T. Iceman said...

Did I ever say that Eli was BETTER?

I'm not going to go all Drew on you and dig up comments from 2 years ago, but ohhhhhhhhh you most certainly did say it. In fact, I remember devoting an entire post about you thinking this very thing. There is MoneyShot documented proof somewhere but I will leave that to resident fact checker, Drew. But it is FACT that you, indeed, said that Eli > Peyton.

GMoney said...

I'll just assume that history is repeating itself and you are again wrong when stepping up to me.