Monday, September 22, 2014

The Worst of Week Three Vol.VIII

Johnny Foreskin IMO
I don't know about the rest of you losers, but I'm sick and fucking tired of seeing John McEnroe pop up in commercials in 2014 to mock scream at some referee.  Dude bro, it has been 25 years since you've been an athlete and even at your best that schtick was old and tired and sad...GIVE IT A REST.  I don't know what Johnny Mac is promoting now  (some sort of cell service with Andy Roddick maybe?) but how about you become something more than "asshole from the 80's".  That will do it for my tennis coverage for the rest of the year.  Now where is Michael Chang with my War Su Gai???  Since I mentioned Roddick, I should also add Brooklyn Decker > Kate Upton forever.  FOREVER.  DEAL WITH IT.  So how about we discuss another banner week in the National Football League!

Roger Goodell - Well, that was certainly a horrible press conference on Friday afternoon. Good job trying to bury that heading into the weekend but you done fucked your shit up so bad that that was wishful thinking.  This just keeps getting worse and worse.  The ONLY way that this goes away is if Rog quits and he says that he won't so this isn't going to end any time soon. Strap yourselves in for more shit.

Howard Stern - Way to send one of your cronies in to that press conference to drop some negative LOLZ.  You aren't relevant anymore, Howie.  YOU are the pig vomit.

Josh McCown - Goodell should have apologized for putting Tampa Bay on in prime-time.  Who would have ever guessed that McCown's 2013 season was a total fluke other than everyone ever???

Terry Bradshaw - Look, son, you don't need your son-in-law to have a great pregame show!  But seriously, RIP Robby Bironas, you ended up on one my fantasy teams every year since 1972.  I love you forever bubba.

Danny Woodhead - In what is ten times worse than whatever Ray Rice did, Woodhead needing the cart almost immediately after the game started was heart breaking.  I love the Chargers.  That team is legit.  Not legit = Buffalo.  Good job getting the team to stay but your QB stinks.

Robert Quinn - I know that this cat is good but is he really worth 66 million over 4 years???  That seems like a lot.  Does he also play QB.  The Rams are hot dogshit.  That is one awful team.  They get less results than the Ferguson PD.  Topical!

Ryan Fitzpatrick - Did you know that he graduated from Harvard?  It's nice to see Arian Foster already being a bitch.  Who the fuck is Alfred Blue and congrats to all those tards that added him!  I'm sure that he was a real factorback.  The Texans started the season with WAS, @OAK, and @NYG...that is really fucking easy.

Drew Brees - What the fuck is wrong with you? What happened to the Breesus Days of Yore?  He is simply pedestrian now.  I do not care for this.  I'll blame Sean Payton.   Also, the Vikings suck pig balls.

Not South Park- Oh baby, the season premiere on Wednesday night deals with Dan Snyder and his love of Native Americans.  That should be ELITE.

The Bengals IMO - I look pretty stupid for thinking that they would underachieve this season.  They look incredible through three weeks.  Andy Dalton is catching touchdown passes.  Jeremy Hill hasn't sexually assaulted anyone.  It's crazy.  Hell, even Mike Brown is being a human being with feelings by treating Devon Still like his son.  The Bengals in 2014 are a model franchise.  Was not expecting to ever admit that.

Johnny Football - HA!  THEY TRIED TO RUN "SIDELINE PLAY"!!!  WE RAN THAT SHIT TO PERFECTION IN MIDDLE SCHOOL!  There is nothing more Mickey Mouse than Sideline Play.

Joe Haden and Justin Gilbert and Slick Willie Cundiff - Those are your goats, folks!  What a hilarious home loss that was.  Just a complete choke which can be expected when you go against Big Joe ELITE.  Those "shutdown cornerbacks" are more like shitdown corners.  Serpentini should fire Haden.

Cakes - STOP IT.  Can we make a deal amongst our community of assholes?  You can't tweet more than 5 times during your team's games.  You aren't a beat reporter.  No one is reading your thoughts other than people who barely tolerate you.  Make a few funny quips and watch the fucking game.  I don't need to read about the "buzz at the stadium".  How the fuck do you know this?  A fucking tool once queefed, GIVE IT A REST, and it applies to everyone socially.


Aaron Rodgers and Used To Be More Fat Stafford - Hey jerks, that was supposed to be a shootout.  For fuck's sake, the Lions Defense outscored Green Bay.  The Packers stink.  They could easily be 0-3 and probably should be if the Jets weren't stupid.

Andrew Luck - STOP THROWING THE BALL TO AHMAD BRADSHAW. Christ, Wayne and Hilton have a combined zero scores this year and Mr. IR has 3 receiving touchdowns.  Knock that shit off.  Goddamn Cakes guy.

Non-Pollacks - You probably saw that every point scored in the dreadful OAK/NE game was by a guy with the suffix -owski.  That's dumb.  It might be time to take Tom Brady out back and put a bullet between his eyes.  Dude looks a LOT like "final year Dan Marino" and that is not a compliment.

Jim HarBRAH - Yeah, he's already mentally in Ann Arbor.  That's the worst kept secret at this site.  Since he can't beat Drew Stanton in the pros LOL, maybe he can stomp on his alma mater instead?  Colin Kaepernick looks terrible, too.  I should also mention that Larry Fitzgerald is a corpse.

Miami Dolphins - They blow.  They should be trying to get into the Jameis derby.  He would fit in well down there.  He could take Richie Incognito's old locker.

Peyton Manning - Yeah, the comeback was quite ELITE but he was so bad for the first three and a half quarters.  SO BAD.  That arm STREMPH was Pennington-esque.  What I'm trying to say here is that Eli beat a rugged 2-0 team yesterday while Outlaw Country choked again.  FACT.  In all honesty though, the Broncos D looked pretty good or the Seahawks just assumed that 17 points would be enough.  It almost was.  The funny thing is that Seattle knows that Denver can not beat them.

DeAngelo Hall - The 2012 Best Player in the NFL said that he tore his Achilles yesterday.  God speed, you stud.

Brandon Merriweather - My God, he was fucking abysmal.  Every garbage fluke touchdown that piece of shit Foles threw was a result of The Concussion King getting roasted and toasted.  BM are very fitting initials.

That was fun though - Man, those two teams HATE each other.  I like that.  I like DeSean getting some amount of revenge.  I like Eagles fans booing for reasons that they will never be able to explain.  I mean, seriously, it wasn't HIS decision to leave.  I LOVED Chris Baker fucking murdering Foles on that interception that wasn't.  Why the fuck is that a penalty anyway?  He was five yards away from a DB trying to score.  It looked to me like he was interested in making a tackle.  So he should pay the punishment for not having his head on a swivel.  I liked Jason Peters throwing a punch back.  And the game was great.  Cousins and Foles just going back and forth.  Those teams looked pretty equal to me.  The Eagles are just a little cleaner with the fundamentals.  That's fine.  The Skins--with Cousins--look like a playoff contender to me.  We'll see what they do Thursday when ELITE Manning comes to DC.

FANTASY! - Looks like a 2-2 week for this guy.  How I'm 2-1 in the LFL is a mystery but I'll take it.  Goddamn, Adrian Peterson has thrown a wrench into a lot of my fantasy plans this year.  We're relying on hard work and grit in 2014 and I wouldn't want it any other way.  Fuck you, Cakes and Ide.  Go tweet black dick pics to each other.  I'm sure that your collections are massive anyway.

That will do it for me today.  I started this on Saturday evening because I am a stud with an amazing social calendar and Iceman was already plugging away with tomorrow's FUCK YOU HOKE post.  I didn't read it but I assume that it will be a doozy.  Stay tuned, bruh.


Anonymous said...

"Don't take me into the elevator" was a hilarious line.

Yesterday was the first time the Lions ever beat Rodgers in a game He played in its entirety. So, even though it was ugly...I'm pretty happy with it. Suh was a beast.

Cakes "buzzing" and "meaningful game" tweets were awful.

Remember when Joe Haden beat the Lions in a Browns loss last year? LOLZ.


GMoney said...

Did you also enjoy the multiple FEED THE CROW tweets? MULTIPLE. What a chach.

RIP Ike Taylor's arm. Ouch babe. It is impossible to figure out the Steelers. They would probably lose to Iowa next week.

Grumpy said...

Costly win for the Steelers, losing Sazier and Jones for time to be determined and Timmons probably sending Ike to early retirement.

Any Mike Wallace sightings, G$?

Nibbles said...

You run the Doug Edwards special, and you've earned my fandom for a year.

I'm going for the Browns in 2014.

Jeff said...

Ike can play with a club. He never could catch anyways. Finally the Oline looked decent. Todd Haley thinks Ben is incapable of throwing the ball down field. Got away with it last night, but it won't work forever. Fire Haley!

LOLZ Browns. Sideline play has hilarious.

GMoney said...

I was thinking about that yesterday, Grump, and somehow Wallace is putting together a really nice season.

Sideline Play is a totes Kyle Shanahan move. No self-respecting person would call that outside of middle school. The Skins should have run that with Grossman.

Jeff said...

Torg gave Damman some fbook love too! He must be the Moneyshot Commentors Biggest(only) fan!

GMoney said...

Torg is just trying to butter up potential real estate investors.

Anonymous said...

If I'm not mistaken, didn't Shane Falco run that exact same play as Manziel? Fucking illegal shifts.

Cut Joe Haden.

Ray Lewis' line on Ray Rice had to have been one of the best all time quotes.


GMoney said...

I heard about that and I am so glad that I don't watch Sunday Countdown. Yeah, Ray, keep talking about cover-ups. By the way, if you flip on any of the Ray segments tonight, get a good look at the back of his head. To me, it appears that there is a big patch of black masking tape on his skull. It isn't head and it isn't hair. What is that?

Probably where he stores his murderous rage and snitch skills.

Apparently, and this is according to Goodell's A2M partner, Peter King, you have to be at least 5 yards onto the field for that move to be legal and Johnny was a solid 2 inches in play. Bunch of cheaters!

Mike Wallace has 17 catches (31 targets!) for 211 yards and 2 scores this season. Not bad. Needs a better QB.

Cakes said...

Tweeting back and forth with other torchered Browns fans is how I DEAL WITH IT. I have other internet friends besides you guys. If you don't like it, unfollow me bitches. Twitter is pretty easy in that regard.

FEED THE CROW was trending in Cleveland all game. Just trying to do my part.

Browns stadium hadn't been that loud in a long time. Even the announcers commented on it a few times. Just wanted to point out how awesome the atmosphere was. That's actually a big deal when you're a browns fan.

Every time I think I've seen the most Browns loss ever, they one up it. You have three chances to win. All you had to do was make a FG, make a FG or get a first down. That's it. Just one of the three. If you'd asked me at the beginning of the season, I would've taken 1-2 but we were so close to 2-1 and even 3-0. Why does this always happen? Finish the fucking game.

Consolation prize was beating G$ for my first victory in the league. We all knew cookie monster was going to go off on the Jags but I just want to thank the NFL scheduling gods that it was the week when I faced G$.


Anonymous said...

That was as Browns of a loss as you are going to see. They had so many fuck ups in the 4th quarter, it was comical.

How does Gabriel fall down on that long catch? It was a good throw in stride and there was no need to dive for it.


Anonymous said...

And Torg is my boy.


GMoney said...

I saw you interacting with no one. And even if you were, I KNOW that you don't during Tribe games.

Cakes: The atmosphere at the Browns game is ELECTRIC!
Rational Human Being: I bet. Where were your seats?
Cakes: Didn't go. Took the word of Steve Tasker. Sounded great in my man cave though. Dogs were going nuts!

Anonymous said...

Torg has now wished 2 people here happy birthdays. He must read this blog.


GMoney said...

I'm coming up next week. Let's see if he respects the legend. I would trade a Torg for a J-Rupe any day.

Prime99 said...

Browns lost to a ELITE QB- what are ya gonna do?

The Niners look lost out there. You might be right about Harbaugh mailing it in.

Props to the Lions for beating the Packers. None of the NFC North teams look all that great but that should make for an exciting race.

MUfan said...

While it was ugly, the Lions win was nice. Tulloch's injury was just stupid. Levy played one hell of a game. Detroit desperately needs a kicker though.

Anonymous said...

Tulloch tore his ACL. That's impressive Lionsing right there.


MUfan said...

Drew - ELITE usage of the term Lionsing.

GMoney said...

He stole it from Clemson which I'm sure will be discussed frequently tomorrow.

Nate Freese is fucking terrible.

T. Iceman said...

The best back in the league, McCoy, is really tearing it up this year.

GMoney said...

Didn't he put up big numbers with scores in the first two games? He isn't going to face a dynamic Haslett-coached defense every week!

GMoney said...

By the way, Nate Freese = cut

T. Iceman said...

He has one TD on the year and hasn't broken 100 yards rushing in any game.

Mr. Ace said...

McCoy is on pace for 70 receptions and is sharing the backfield with Sproles. But please, tard it up some more.