|That's not really how you do Sweet Chin Music but whatever.|
Aaron Rodgers - That was a pretty terrific gameplan on Thursday to just use Jarrett Boykin as a decoy on Sherman's side and completely negate his impact. But...it probably would have made more sense if you actually scored.
Ron Zook - I saw him on the Packers sideline! Big fella gettin' work! Knowing that Zook is with the Pack tells me that I should be betting against them A LOT.
Marques Colston - Remember his hilariously dumb game-losing lateral in the playoffs last season? Colston upped the ante with an ELITE fumble to get beat by a bad Falcons team. Colston stinks. That Brandin Cooks kid looks legit though.
Shaun Hill - They say that he got hurt but I call Ide Lie to that. Dude got benched at halftime of the first game. Impressive. I may have severely OVERRATED that Rams Defense. They just haven't been the same since Michael Sam tap-danced down to Dallas. Cordarelle Patterson is a really good player.
Mike Tomlin - What a fucking embarrassment. I get it that they won but the Browns are barely a one dimensional team this year and the Steelers had to fluke a win at the gun. Had they lost that game (which they deserved to), I would have been completely fine with Tomlin getting fired that same day (and he still might deserve that). The Browns might end up being an entertaining team after all. You know that the LOLZ are coming at least.
Chip Kelly - I guess? I mean, his offense got shutout for a full half against the Jags in Philly. The Eagles are still going to underachieve. Fortunately, 6-10 will likely be enough to win the NFC Least.
Derek Carr - Not being able to beat the Jets yesterday is EXACTLY why he didn't get invited to the Heisman ceremony last season.
Chris Conte - I'm not one to criticize the white trail blazers of an NFL secondary, but Conte got flat out assaulted by Fred Jackson in OT which led to the amazing upset of the Bears by the pretty bad Bills. No one will ever understand the Bears. How do you only score 20 points on the Bills with 800 yards of offense?
Joe Flacco - Still ELITE but like the lowest ELITE status. He's hanging out with Eli in the basement. That end of first half play where he ran out the clock was absurdly LULZ.
Jamaaaaaaaal Charles - 7 rushes for 19 yards against the Sankeys. The Chiefs are going to be bad this season. Betting Tennessee +3 was the easiest money of the weekend.
Tom Brady - Uh oh, that wasn't good. Between the Bears and Patriots and maybe Saints, a lot of Suicide Pools got destroyed this week. Should have been smart like me and picked against the Browns. That Pats D coached by the GENIUS Bill Belichick gave up nearly 200 yards rushing to Lamar Miller and Knowshon Moreno. Not ELITE.
Jay Gruden - This guy is an idiot. I want him gone already. Nothing has changed. They still have a terrible OL and make horrible mistakes all over the field. Two fumbles inside the red zone is just an average quarter for these fucking losers. Griffin played OK and AlfMo was solid but they just suck. There is no other way to put it. The Redskins suck. At least we'll get our top 5 pick this year!
Lovie Smith - Such a classy loss to Derek Anderson in his home opener. Whoever was doing color for this game (Ronde Barber?) said that he always felt that DA was underrated. This man knows nothing.
Cowboys Fans - That stadium was at least 90% 49ers fans which was both sad and major LULZ. Fuck the Cowboys.
T-Bone Romo - Oh baby, he's in end-of-season form already. It's like he can't even see. That first half was rotten garbage dick and he could barely scrape together any poop-time points. You know how some people make excuses for Romo all the time and call him an superstar? Those people continue to be proven wrong. Tony Romo is average at best.
Jimmy BRAH - Come on, dude, Ray McDonald should not have played. You can't say that you have zero tolerance for woman beaters and then let that shit slide.
FANTASY! - Yikes, not a good start. It's not over but it feels like just going 2-2 would be a minor miracle (like the Redskins finding the end zone more than once). I'm not going to win many games with Brees and Peterson combining for one score.
We're two weeks into the football season and I already can't wait for it to be over. That's not how this is supposed to work.