Monday, September 08, 2014

The Worst of Week One Vol.VIII

That's not really how you do Sweet Chin Music but whatever.
There will be plenty of time to talk about how horrible the Big Ten is and how it isn't getting any better tomorrow but today we will talk about week 1 of the NFL.  First off, this whole drug testing thing.  Does anyone understand this?  If you do, how little sense does it make?  OK, so from what I gather, the NFL and NFLPA are working on a way to re-do the drug policy this week and it may allow for guys like Wes Welker and Josh Gordon to have their deserved suspensions rescinded or at least lessened.  How is this possible?  Why are you doing this DURING THE SEASON?  Why now?  Is it because a white guy from the Old Spice commercials got popped and complained?  Because the NFLPA didn't give any fucks about the black dudes.  Gordon's case alone is bizarre.  We all know that denying the appeal took forever.  But why deny it if you are re-vamping the system and it might be a moot point anyway?  How can you uphold a guy's suspension one week and then undermine your ruling a week later?  This is really strange to me.  I'm fine if you want to update the drug policy, but don't go back in time and start freeing the criminals.  They failed the system in place.  FACT.  They need to DEAL WITH IT and know that their stupidity was an agent for future change.  Let's talk about week one AKA same old shit from the Redshits.

Aaron Rodgers - That was a pretty terrific gameplan on Thursday to just use Jarrett Boykin as a decoy on Sherman's side and completely negate his impact.  But...it probably would have made more sense if you actually scored.

Ron Zook - I saw him on the Packers sideline!  Big fella gettin' work!  Knowing that Zook is with the Pack tells me that I should be betting against them A LOT.

Marques Colston - Remember his hilariously dumb game-losing lateral in the playoffs last season?  Colston upped the ante with an ELITE fumble to get beat by a bad Falcons team.  Colston stinks.  That Brandin Cooks kid looks legit though.

Shaun Hill - They say that he got hurt but I call Ide Lie to that.  Dude got benched at halftime of the first game.  Impressive.  I may have severely OVERRATED that Rams Defense.  They just haven't been the same since Michael Sam tap-danced down to Dallas.  Cordarelle Patterson is a really good player.

Mike Tomlin - What a fucking embarrassment.  I get it that they won but the Browns are barely a one dimensional team this year and the Steelers had to fluke a win at the gun.  Had they lost that game (which they deserved to), I would have been completely fine with Tomlin getting fired that same day (and he still might deserve that).  The Browns might end up being an entertaining team after all.  You know that the LOLZ are coming at least.

Chip Kelly - I guess?  I mean, his offense got shutout for a full half against the Jags in Philly.  The Eagles are still going to underachieve.  Fortunately, 6-10 will likely be enough to win the NFC Least.

Derek Carr - Not being able to beat the Jets yesterday is EXACTLY why he didn't get invited to the Heisman ceremony last season.

Chris Conte - I'm not one to criticize the white trail blazers of an NFL secondary, but Conte got flat out assaulted by Fred Jackson in OT which led to the amazing upset of the Bears by the pretty bad Bills.  No one will ever understand the Bears.  How do you only score 20 points on the Bills with 800 yards of offense?

Joe Flacco - Still ELITE but like the lowest ELITE status.  He's hanging out with Eli in the basement.  That end of first half play where he ran out the clock was absurdly LULZ.

Jamaaaaaaaal Charles - 7 rushes for 19 yards against the Sankeys.  The Chiefs are going to be bad this season.  Betting Tennessee +3 was the easiest money of the weekend.

Tom Brady - Uh oh, that wasn't good.  Between the Bears and Patriots and maybe Saints, a lot of Suicide Pools got destroyed this week.  Should have been smart like me and picked against the Browns.  That Pats D coached by the GENIUS Bill Belichick gave up nearly 200 yards rushing to Lamar Miller and Knowshon Moreno.  Not ELITE.

Jay Gruden - This guy is an idiot.  I want him gone already.  Nothing has changed.  They still have a terrible OL and make horrible mistakes all over the field.  Two fumbles inside the red zone is just an average quarter for these fucking losers.  Griffin played OK and AlfMo was solid but they just suck.  There is no other way to put it.  The Redskins suck.  At least we'll get our top 5 pick this year!

Lovie Smith - Such a classy loss to Derek Anderson in his home opener.  Whoever was doing color for this game (Ronde Barber?) said that he always felt that DA was underrated.  This man knows nothing.

Cowboys Fans - That stadium was at least 90% 49ers fans which was both sad and major LULZ.  Fuck the Cowboys.

T-Bone Romo - Oh baby, he's in end-of-season form already.  It's like he can't even see.  That first half was rotten garbage dick and he could barely scrape together any poop-time points.  You know how some people make excuses for Romo all the time and call him an superstar?  Those people continue to be proven wrong.  Tony Romo is average at best.

Jimmy BRAH - Come on, dude, Ray McDonald should not have played.  You can't say that you have zero tolerance for woman beaters and then let that shit slide.

FANTASY! - Yikes, not a good start.  It's not over but it feels like just going 2-2 would be a minor miracle (like the Redskins finding the end zone more than once).  I'm not going to win many games with Brees and Peterson combining for one score.

We're two weeks into the football season and I already can't wait for it to be over.  That's not how this is supposed to work.

56 comments:

Anonymous said...

The flying hurdle/kick was definitely the highlight of yesterday and just a phenomenal example of the Browns/Steelers "rivalry".

Today is going to be an AWFUL day for Goodell now that the Ray Rice video has been released....bless you TMZ. I'm not ready to say he's going to lose his job over it, but there's gonna be some serious heat.

LOLZ @ the Bears and Cuntler. Throwing that late pick into Kyle William's gut was awesome.

People are already clamoring for Roll Hyde to take Gore's job.

Odd how the Pats always struggle in Miami.

Tonight we get to see THE FIGHTING JIM CALDWELL's in action.

I'll go with Lions 30 Giants 24

--Drew

Grumpy said...

You want Gruden fired one week in. That made me laugh.

Nibbles said...

I didn't get the Graham Gano / Bucs band thing.

How is it that the band can prevent him from warming up before the game?

Anonymous said...

Man, that was a stone cold cut Janay took. I assume her apology was due to the fact she went night night off of it, like a bitch.

Justin Gilbert got abused almost as bad as Janay did last night. I get that it is his first game, but usually impact DB's don't get roasted an entire drive like that, even if he is a rookie. That is disheartening to say the least. I am ignoring the fact that Watkins could have been catching some Hoyer outs instead of Gilbert making the rapist look like Johnny U.

Terrance West looks to be the TROOF, though, so that was a good thing.

I'd fire Jay Gruden if he could only muster up 6 points from that faggot.

Ide

GMoney said...

I never really wanted him hired at all. I wanted the other Bengals coordinator. You know, the one that murdered Jeff Fisher yesterday. You know, the one that can actually coach without looking like a fat moron.

Nibbles, I assumed that it was some sort of affirmative action thing. It looked like some sort of Jive-In.

I'm going to have to get a look at this knockout punch video. If it is as bad as I assume and he wants to start taking away suspensions earned, then Ray Ray better get a bigger hammer on his ass.

Shit...now it looks like I'm going 0-4 in week one. Got to say, I wasn't seeing that coming. I will rebound like all great champions.

Anonymous said...

G$....Who you like tonight?

--Drew

GMoney said...

HOLY SHIT! I was expecting a right upper-cut and he went with the left cross!

GMoney said...

Lions but not to cover and Chargers to win.

Mr. Ace said...

That Rice video is brutal. It looked li I ever he spit on her right before the scuffle started. He should probably not be playing football for awhile.

Eagles looked bad, but ended the game about how I thought it would look. The Jags +5.5 is a lock against the Skins next week.

I also feel the same way about the games tonight as G$. I would lean towards the UNDER in the DET/NYG game because I can't see the Giants scoring more than 14 points. They are going to be terrible...not quite as terrible as the Skins tho.

I still don't think the Niners are gonna be that good. Romo gifted them that game.

And I would like to thank you all for letting me get Peyton Manning and Orange Julius in the MSFL. You guys are the real MVP.

GMoney said...

The worst part is that police have seen that video and said "nah, we good".

I thought that the Skins would be -3 next week just from being at our terrible stadium. -5.5 is almost a worse crime than Ray Rice.

Anonymous said...

Jesus that Ray Rice footage is brutal... even worse than expected - no idea why I didn't think it would be that bad. Two games for that is absolutely incredible.

Goodell is worse than the stupid fucking Steelers fans booing the refs for Brown getting a flag for drop kicking another player. Dude should have been ejected - and I'm not saying that as a homer. If a slap to an opposing players helmet warrants ejection, how does a kick to the face not?! Get your shit together, ass refs.

Justin Gilbert is bad. Ide nailed it. You can blame that loss on him (even though we looked like a fucking high school team in the first half). Hoyer actually looked promising in the second half. And our rookie RB's looked good. Shocker... Ben Tate is hurt.

Seal

Nibbles said...

Good first week Ace.

But, I don't see the Texans D playing the Redskins every week and I certainly don't see Julius catching 3 TD's per week.

Daniel said...

DA BILLS

Daniel said...

I'm also surprised at the lack of conversation around the Atlanta Hawks situation...

Jeff said...

LOLZ at calling for an ejection. Blame the loss on Gilbert? what about the rest of your shit team that showed up in the first half and taught the steelers how to play in the second half? Antonio Brown continues to make Haden his bitch, that's why you wanted an ejection.

Jeff said...

I would've totally been for firing the whole the staff had they lost that game.

Anonymous said...

Hahahah OK Jeff... Typical stupid fucking Steelers fan to think its outrageous to call for an ejection. Explain to me how that kick was so much better than a smack/punch to the helmet? Please enlighten me on how a karate kick to the face is so much better.

"what about the rest of your shit team that showed up in the first half and taught the steelers how to play in the second half"

What the fuck does this even mean?

If you watched the game... which im not sure you did - you were probably with the rest of your fan base booing your team at home against the browns instead of paying attention - Gilbert gave up every pass play on the winning drive. He got abused all day.

Seal

Nibbles said...

"Please enlighten me on how a karate kick to the face is so much better."

Pretty sure it was clear he was trying to hurdle the guy. Punter was just too stupid not to stay low on the tackle.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad the Browns looked like a real NFL team yesterday. I was in full meltdown mode after that 1st half yesterday. Browns twitter was hilarious.

I knew somehow The Rapist would somehow find a way to pull out a win at the end, because...Cleveland sports.

Browns RB's are beasts!

Oh and count me in on the Haden is overrated crowd. It's great that he's embraced the city and all that, but I'm tired of seeing him get toasted all the time, not just by Antonio Brown. I remember the Jags game last yeat when he torched the entire 2nd half. He's just not that good.

-Damman

Jeff said...

I'll dumb it down for you. Browns played like shit in the first half and the Steelers played well. Then the Steelers played like shit in the second and the Browns played well.

Browns fans failing to ignore how shitty your whole team played in the first half as being the reason for the loss is, well, why you're a browns fan.

Prime99 said...

Ah, the Bears... Nothing like turnovers and penalties to lose a game. I was figuring they'd be 9-7 this year but not unless they get shit together quick. Forte looked great and they should've kept giving him the ball in OT.

Anonymous said...

I actually think its hilarious that people truly believe that Brown didnt extend his leg to kick the punter in the face. Yea it was the punter's fault. Dude put his face to Browns foot.

LOLZ.

Seal

GMoney said...

Sorry, Seal, but I can't side with your on the ejection. Punters should be treated like filth anyway but Brown was OBVZ going for the hurdle with his extra leg muscle but Lanning wasn't having any of that. So he took a cleat to the grill. It looked worse than it was.

Hawks Owner should get a medal of some kind, not shame.

We all know that Ace is terrible at fantasy sports. Let him have his week one fluke and we will watch him somehow miss the playoffs with Peyton Manning in a few months.

Remember when some people here argued with me that Ben Tate could/would be a top ten RB. Good times!

Nibbles said...

Anybody that plays that high when trying to make a tackle is an idiot. Yes, it's more the punter's fault than it is the returner's.

T. Iceman said...

Shockingly enough, the biggest pussy wasn't Tate this weekend. That award goes to Mr. Glass, Jordan Reed for shredding his hamstring on the one play where he actually did something.

You don't get to gloss over Doug Martin being a bitch after pumping his nuts all preseason, G$. 9 carries for 9 yards and a knee injury.

I missed all of the Browns game because I was traveling all day yesterday. So I DVR'ed it and I'm watching it now. Bring on the misery!!

GMoney said...

Jordan Reed is an Urban Meyer guy. I think.

Try not to overreact after one week, always-rational-person. The Panthers have a fairly ELITE defense and Lovie Smiff is a terrible coach.

Anonymous said...

We all have to assume the NFL saw that video pre-penatly?

Even though TMZ is seemingly capable of getting their hands on ANYTHING, and I could see them sitting on it to cause some real reality TV drama.

But I gotta assume Goodale saw that video and that is the most LOLZ thing about this.

GO LIONS

- jsaul

Anonymous said...

J Saul.,..look at Deadspin. They are quoting Peter King a month ago that the NFL saw this....and now King is saying this is the first time....LOLZ.

--Drew

GMoney said...

You know what could be great? Rice's first game back is in Cleveland. It might be the right time for Browns fans to stop dumping buckets of piss on their heads for once and make America proud. That's right, someone needs to run on the field and stab Ray Rice. The Ravens can then go full circle as a franchise that started with a stab and ends with a stab.

The NFL needs more stabbings IMO.

Jeff said...

Flawless logic, G$!

T. Iceman said...

I don't think I'm overreacting. It was a terrible performance and deserved being mentioned.

I listened to Colts Broncos on an Indy radio station last night on my drive home. There is nothing better than listening to home town guys announce a football game on the radio. The one guy was absolutely losing his shit over the referees while calling it the worst officiated game he's ever seen. Fun fact...the second half of that announcing team is everyone's favorite Colt backup Jim Sorgi!

Anonymous said...

There is no way Rice comes back on the day he was supposed to and I really think Goodell may lose his job over this one. The league looks horrendous. Also, wouldn't surprise me if the Ravens pull a 180 and cut him.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I've listened to the Colts Radio PBP guy before and he is indeed one of the world's biggest homers. He may give Hawk Harrelson a run for his money. Still better than Tom Hamilton.

I think that I might be more pissed if the Ravens cut him. YOU ALREADY KNEW THIS HAPPENED AND SIDED WITH HIM ANYWAY! YOU DEFENDED HIM AS "A GOOD GUY"! Go down with the ship. No, cutting him is the easy way out.

Goodell is worse at his job than Gary Bettman and Bettman has had three player's strikes.

Prime99 said...

Drooler put his FACT checking skillz to use on Twitter with a RT of the official Ravens twitter from May. LULZ!

Anonymous said...

Am I missing something or is Iceman listening to Colts radio stations in Florida?

Ide

Anonymous said...

Also remember, the Ravens fans gave this guy a standing ovation at their first preseason game. Classy folks.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Slow...the entire Ravens organization really couldn't have handled this worse.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

Am I missing something or can Ide not read? I was traveling all day yesterday as clearly stated above. During the Colts Broncos game I was in the process of driving home. So instead of completely missing the game, I listened to it on my phone. Make sense now? Ya fuckin jackass.

Anonymous said...

I listened to Colts Broncos on an Indy radio station last night on my drive home.

Crystal clear. You were travelling from somewhere to Florida, where you now live, and around 9-10 pmish you happened to be near Indianapolis, on your way to Florida. Where the fuck were you coming from that put you in reach of an Indy radio station that late at night, Boise, Idaho?

Ide

Prime99 said...

Ide recently gave me a hard time on Facebook for listening to the radio. Now, he doesn't understand the concept of internet radio via a smartphone. Good stuff, Train-boy.

Nibbles said...

He's still a little fuzzy after getting his ass kicked by The Candy Lineup.

GMoney said...

Radio rules. Except for the movie Radio of course.

Let's not forget how bad both BRAHs look regarding Rice and Ray McDonald. They are probably confused as to why smoking a woman in the jaw is frowned upon though.

T. Iceman said...

There are these cool little inventions that recently came out called smart phones, Ide. Now...with a smart phone you can download these things called "apps". There are literally millions of these "apps" available and, get this. There is even an "app" you can download that allows you to listen to almost any radio station in the country for free! Technology is aces, isn't it?

GMoney said...

With this "app" (short for application), I am able to listen to Napoleon High School Football games on the reg and complain about how the coach should be fired to a family that gives no fucks.

It's Fantasy Baseball Playoffs time! G$/Damman and Dut/Jeff are the wildcard matchups with the Saul Boys on a bye. What a star-studded bracket this is! Yan Gomes is going to send Damman packing.

Nibbles said...

"http://ftw.usatoday.com/2014/09/nfl-player-reaction-ray-rice"

The natives are getting restless.

I think this is going to get opened back up and he'll get suspended for the rest of the season.

Anonymous said...

Nibbles..I think he's gonna get cut and nobody will pick him up until next year.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Ravens cut him.

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

I'll take it a step further and say he's done playing. With the backlash that's going on, I'm not sure if any NFL team will want to take on that PR nightmare.

Anonymous said...

While you guys are all playing baseball this week, the Saul's are starting their bye week off with some Rooster wings and a rare MNF appearance by your Dtown Lions after we start to take 2 game swings from the KC Royals.

I don't understand multiple scenarios with this thing:
1) They are calling this "new video" - not a chance
2) NFL and Ravens had to have seen this video, played the card 'there is more to the story, or its not as bad as the ending looks, and only warrants 2 games". But they had to know this would leak out, you can't even write a Racist email anymore without having to sell your Pro Sports team...This was handle the complete opposite of how it should have been.

Or, they never saw this and were lied to by Ray Rice and his lawyers. But I don't see that being the case.

- J Saul

GMoney said...

But I thought that Ray was a great guy that just made a mistake? This organization is such a piece of shit and I know a piece of shit organization when I see it. This was Snyder-esque.

Now let's get rid of Goodell and call it a day.

GMoney said...

On a positive note, having Bernard Pierce in the MSFL looks a little better today!

T. Iceman said...

"He's still a little fuzzy after getting his ass kicked by The Candy Lineup"

Shit ain't over yet, bruh. You're only up 36 and I have Mathews and Floyd tonight. In a PPR league 36 isn't a huge lead.

Daniel said...

He has officially been cut! Bernard Pierce is going to carry me to an LOLFL championship!

Nibbles said...

Mathews? As in that Mathews pick you've been regretting so much?

IT'S OVER

Nibbles said...

Markus Wheaton (Daniel guy), showed up to play this week. TCL won't have any problems with bye weeks this year.

T. Iceman said...

I wasn't happy with how much I paid for Mathews. Not having Mathews in general. 18 points out of Mathews isn't a slam dunk but it's also not impossible.