Monday, September 29, 2014

The Worst of Week Four Vol.VIII

We normally save the college football talk for Tuesdays but it's always open season to rip on the band and thus we will start the week off right.  I don't care how "good" you are and what performances you do, marching bands are fucking stupid.  They always have been and they always will be.  If you hilariously remember, Ohio Buckeyes band director, John "Pat Fenis" Waters was fired a few months back after that LULZ list of band member shitheadery was released to the public.  No one worth a damn has thought about this since but Waters is fighting his ass off to regain whatever reputation he once had among the nerds who enjoy a good tuba solo.  He won't go away.  He is suing the school now for his old job back and a million dollars (for mental anguish or some dumb shit) saying that the allegations that led to his dismissal are nothing but #IdeLies.  That those same lies have been invited to big time Hollywood agent lunches and the New York Film Festival.  Dear John Waters, GIVE IT A REST.  Go away.  This is just sad.  Everyone else has moved on but you, dweeb.  You aren't getting your job back.  Why would you want it anyway?  It would never go back to normal.  Go somewhere else to watch dorks shove flutes inside other greater than or equal to dorks.  Normal people don't support annoying people.  You are being annoying.  GTFO.  Captain Dildo 4 Life.  Let's talk some football.

Some of our alma maters - Yikes.  The 4-0 NapCats hosted Perrysburg on Friday for the annual Homecoming game.  They were down 38-0 at halftime.  What bothers me most is that the coaches agreed to a second half RUNNING CLOCK.  Fuck that.  Have some pride.  Take your beating like men.  This is pussy ass coward shit.  Would Snoad have called for a running clock?  No, BRAH, he would have run more 30/31 traps (check with me).  On the other hand, perennial state championship contender in division 1 and Ide's school, Davidson, were defeated at home by the school behind my house, Central Crossing.  The Comets won in OT 21-20 and thus moved their record on the season to 3-2.  I should add that these three wins TIES A SCHOOL RECORD FOR WINS IN A SEASON.  THREE!  And they beat Ide!  AT Ide!  Bad weekend for high school football.

The Redskins - I don't even know, bruh.  The best part of last week was how bad South Park ripped us on Wednesday night.  I'm at the point that I might want the name changed.  THAT is how bad Thursday was.  It might be time to turn the franchise over to Colt McCoy.  We suck.  At everything but being bad.  If you loved that Giants game then prepare yourselves from a week from tonight when we host the Seahawks on MNF.  That should be a gas.

Antonio Brown - Dude had a monster game in the HOME LOSS TO LOVIE SMITH, but if he doesn't drop that easy flea flicker touchdown then they win.  That's on you, bruh.  Also, you know that you can't go to the ground on your TD celebrations without a penalty so don't do it.  Every wide receiver is an awful diva.

Mike Tomlin - I watch the Fox pregame show because I hate myself and want to die so I caught the Tomlin piece with Laura Okmin (I'm into her).  He said that he was offended by the term "player's coach" and that he thinks it is racial.  He then called Bleau LeDick an old white guy.  It was really bizarre and everyone in the studio unanimously agreed that he was being dumb.  When Terry Bradshaw considers you to be stupid, then you are definitely stupid.

Jay Catler - Fuck if I know.  The Bears are an enigma.  2 losses at home and 2 wins on the road.  Never bet on the Bears.  Except for maybe the over...they can't stop anyone.

EJ Manuel - This kid is awful.

The Colts Defense - SANKEY!  SANKEY!  SANKEY!  You can put him on the booooooooard...YES!  Tennessee is God awful and Andrew The Amish Goblin is annoyingly ELITE at offensive football.

Jerry Richardson - I never understood why the Panthers absolutely had to let Steve Smiff SENIOR go.  They couldn't give him a 2 year/10 million dollar deal to let him retire in Carolina?  He wouldn't look incredible next to Kevin Benjamin?  That was dumb and Smiff got his revenge.  And then some.  FYI, Joe Flacco is ELITE.

Calvin Johnson - Bro, you're either injured of you're hurt.  Pick one.  Don't play two series and then call it a day. Either Play60 or don't go at all.  Geno Smith sucks and dropped a hilarious F-bomb after the game.

Donkey Kong Suh - It sounds like the big fella already has one foot out the door and will leave via free agency after the season.  The team seems to have accepted this fate as well.  Lions fans, you cool with this?  I doubt that I would be.

London - The NFL just loves giving them the worst possible games.  It's our chief export.

Rookie QBs - Derek Carr lost his Heisman overseas when he was bad and then got hurt. Johnny Football was back in college where people actually think that he can play football.  Blake Bortles was pretty shitty in the second half in San Diego (Chargers = still legit).  And Teddy Bridgewater's chicken legs were fantastic...until he got a random ankle injury and had to be carted off.  It was a shame, too, because Teddy was GREAT.  The Falcons are ridiculously mediocre.

Chip Kelly - Nice offense, FAGGOT!  ZERO POINTS for Mr. No Tacos.  In case you're new here (LOL at having new readers), I hate the NFL version of Chip Kelly.  This "genius" tag that he has been given way too prematurely is absurd.  His offense just got punked by an average at best defense.  2 plays from the 1?  Let's have our grossly incompetent QB launch two shitty turd balls out of the endzone! I'll give Chipper a little credit though--his team should probably be 0-4 right now.  The luck is coming to an end, Senor Smoothie.  FUCK YOU, ACE!

The 49ers - Christ, you couldn't even put away a team that didn't play offense.  Greg Roman's play-calling was best described as "vaginal".

FANTASY - Feels like another 2-2 week.  I'm getting sick and fucking tired of getting Amish-raped by Andy Luck.  Did Seal enjoy my ELITE MSFL backfield of Asiata and Gerhart???  LOLOLOLOLOLZ!

So the baseball season has come to an end.  Derek Jeter is officially retired and now, without further ado, I can finally say...WELCOME BACK, A-ROD!!!  Oh man, his retirement tour around the league is going to be legendary.  More Michigan buffoonery tomorrow, I'm sure. 


Anonymous said...

3-0 in fantasy this week. I had the good fortune of playing 2 Peyton Manning teams this week. And Dave. Fuck Dave.


Anonymous said...

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetroit Baseballllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!

Me, Dut, Jsaul (?), MUFan > Slow, Damman and Cakes #NeverForget

E.J. Manuel is indeed terrible

I didn't see that Packers offensive explosion coming.

I don't really understand your Calvin comment. He tried to play...ankle wasn't, they decided to try and beat the Jets without him.....and did.

It's been pretty obvious since the spring that this would be Donkey Kong Suh's last year in Detroit. They've offered him some big contracts to no avail. I will miss him, but he's going to be looking for/getting J.J. Watt money and I'm not sure tying up all that money in him, Megatron and Stafford is a smart move for the future. Supposedly, they may get two third round compensatory picks due to the size of the contract that he will sign which isn't half bad. I don't really understand why you get draft picks for losing your own free agents...but, whatevs.

Last but not least, I do hate this Jon Waters fellow. He got caught lying several times in an investigation about him. Somehow the band nerds just completely ignore that factoid. I actually think he'd still have a job if he didn't do fuck him.

Da Bills come to the FIRST PLACE Detroit Lions this coming Sunday. Prepare your anus Daniel.


Grumpy said...


That covers everyone, doesn't it?

Anonymous said...

It's a rule in Ohio High School football now that if one team is up by 30 in the second half, there is a running clock.

Both the Steelers and Michigan suffer hilarously bad losses at home this weekend. All is good.

I can't wait for Joe Nathan to implode in Game 1 on Thursday.


Anonymous said...

Grump makes a solid point: LOLZ Steelers. What a tremendous choke job against the Bucs. That was just a thing of beauty.

Shady McCoy is fucking terrible. Granted my other option for the number one pick was AP, LeSean isn't doing much better.

Clearly my high school needs some more black players to drown for motivation. Especially, if we are losing to a school that I have never even heard of.


Mr. Ace said...


Foles has become quite the enigma. He always seems just a bit off. Every week he just barely misses on 4 or 5 deep balls that this offense needs to have to be successful. I don't fault him a whole bunch for this loss, being down 4 lineman to a desperate team is a bad recipe for success, but he always holds the ball too long for my tastes. But unless he's in perfect rhythm the play has no chance.

Can't believe I lost to Ide. I thought I had put together the perfect scrub team and came up just short. Dut also needed Matt Asiata to go HAM to beat me while I had 5 players on bye and an injured Ryan Mathews. Thems the breaks.

Saints bad.

GMoney said...

If it wasn't working, then deactivate him. I know that it is human nature to want to go as long as you can, but I don't give a shit. I may have money on your team and that doesn't help me at all.

Are you shitting me? Fuck the OHSAA.

Good call on the Saints. They're repugnant. Then again, it might be possible that the Cowboys are good. IMO they are the best team in the Least through 4 weeks and it isn't even close. Granted, they haven't started choking yet and as soon as DeMarco Giant Pussy gets hurt then they are hosed, but so far they look great. I was not expecting that.

Like I said in the chat, I expect to deal either Brees or Rivers this week in the LFL (yes, Drew is on the block).

Mr. Ace said...

The Cowboys have looked good. I can't believe in them longterm though. That defense isn't going to hold up all year and Romo will be Romo when it matters.

Anonymous said...

So glad you mentioned that Fox pregame interview with Tomlin - as I saw the same thing and was cracking up. What a fucking asshole... "im sick of people saying Im a players coach - i believe they only say that due to my race or my age." Get the fuck out of here.

I always thought Iceman was overreacting a little a few years ago when he would talk about how overrated Tomlin was, but he was fucking right the entire time. Dude's bad at coaching. He lost to an 0-3 Tampa team at home who had 64 yards of offense in the first half.

What a shit TV football schedule yesterday. Northeast Ohio had the Steelers game and Ravens game on a Browns Bye week. Put the Packers/Bears game on, assholes.

Thank god the Jeter jerk off parade is over.

It's a world series win or a failure of a season, right Drew?


Jeff said...

Fuck the steelers. 37 personal foul penalties and 26 others. Felt like watching the raiders. That's coaching. Undisciplined as shit. Fire everyone.

But remember you guys can't talk shit about them cause I never said they would be good. K thnx bye.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and another Ryder Cup, another ass raping for the Americans. Although it was expected on my end having the coke head, Dufner, and Tiger out we still could have competed better. Bad coaching and decisions by Watson.


Anonymous said...

rock chalk fapa! Charlie weis gets canned, and mid seAson no less.

GMoney said...

I didn't even know that the Ryder Cup was this weekend. Didn't Phil get benched? I would have went with Shooter McGavin.

I don't believe in firing Trestman and Kelly but I'm all for firing Tomlin, Gruden, and Hokester.

Seal, Asiata just scored on you again.

Dave and Dut, Rivers next three opponents are the Jets, Raiders, and Chiefs...better get serious with those trade proposals, BRAHS!

Who else enjoyed today's Monday Morning Derek Jeter presented by Peter King? THAT is why everyone is sick of it. Not because of the man but because of the awful sports writers.

Anonymous said...

Yea I'm ok with Asiata - as I have him in my big money league. I cant win in this league... like I said, 2nd in scoring and 8th place - exactly how last year went. I also made the mistake of thinking Foles was decent and Calvin Johnson wasn't a giant pussy.


GMoney said...

Fantasy Baseball glory goes to Gsaul with his big World Series victory over JSaul. Fellas, if you have a PayPal account, text it to me. Dut finished third but no one cares and I will think about paying him eventually (already keeping 40 of that 60...might keep the rest too as a Faggot Tax).

Anonymous said...

Does Dave read this blog? If so, lol, I kicked the shit out of him. Coby Fleener > Greg Olsen.

Gambling this weekend was pretty grim. I'm now at even through three weeks (I usually take week 1 off). Putting money on the Steelers was just retarded. I forgot I bet on them as I was reveling in their hilarious collapse. And fuck Drew Brees again.

The LOLverine takes tomorrow better be hot and steamy. That game brought so many smiles.


Anonymous said...

Yes on #tigersworldseries

You can add gsaul to that list too. Three Tigers fans owning the baseball league going 1-2-3 (seems about right in a league full of Indians fans and one lifetime bandwagon Yankee clipper). I got out hustled on the final week roster planning. GSaul was all over my pitching deficiencies. Snoad would not be proud of my effort.

#Cakes an impressive 54 games out of First place finish....Please keep paying your dues brah.

Michigan is bottom half of MAC bad. I'm not really sure how to react. I guess I'll just focus more on the Lions.

- J saul

Anonymous said...

oh yeah - and good advice on the double Falcons advice this week! its only week 4/5 and my sports book be cleaned out already. until next year....

- J saul

GMoney said...

Double Falcons? The Glory Hole juuuuuuuuuuust missed because we weren't counting on that vaunted UMass passing attack going for nearly 600 yards through the air. Blame BG. The pick was rock solid. They let you down.

Anonymous said...

There was a #atlanta mention too. Not blaming you just bringing it up!

- jsaul

T. Iceman said...

Careful with the college talk assholes. We'll have plenty of time for that tomorrow.

LeSean running back in the NFL for the 4th week in a row.

Yet another pedestrian start by Pittsburgh. I love losses like this. Shows how right I was about Tomlin not being a good coach. This would be the 3rd year in a row missing the playoffs if they don't make it. Any other coach in the league would be gone. Browns would have fired 2 coaches in that span. I guess it's kinda hard to win when the cupboard starts getting bare and the previous home owner isn't around to do the grocery shopping for you.

"(Foles) He always seems just a bit off"

That's because he sucks.

My favorite part of Saints games is the 4th quarter when people decide they don't think they have to guard Jimmy Graham anymore. That's real fun when you're playing against him in fantasy.

Almost went down in M$FL this week because of Eddie Fucking Royal. Those are the losses that you remember.

Last I checked Dave reads but rarely comments. Might have something to do with G$ begging him to comment, then yelling at him for not doing it good enough when he does.

Prime99 said...

Bears D was so bad. Cutler made a couple huge mistakes and that was how you turn an entertaining shoot out into a route.

Doubtful that Chip appreciates your comments as he's on suicide watch at the moment.

GMoney said...

I demand excellence. I will not apologize for that.

"COMMITMENT TO EXCELLENCE"--co-slogan of this site and the Oakland Raiders

GMoney said...

I really can't wait for the Michigan volcano to erupt tomorrow. They might be run worse than the Raiders.

T. Iceman said...

There are two different segments dedicated to the unraveling of that program, G$. That should definitely drive the comments tomorrow.

Just watched A Football Life: Sean Taylor. It was either really well done and I was wrong about Taylor or they just hired Taylor's buddies to keep the #Idelies alive. I can't figure out which. My favorite part was how everyone in the Taylor camp hates Colon Cowfucker for basically saying Sean Taylor was asking to be killed. Nice to see Cowturd has been a loud mouth degenerate for many years.

After watching that show and seeing Clinton Portis, I started thinking. Is Portis an NFL Hall of Famer? Just barely missed 10,000 yards and had 75 TDs over his career. Tough call. Hard to believe he hung it up after 9 seasons.

GMoney said...

Great questions about a horribly run franchise.

*It is still on my DVR. Did not get to it over the weekend and am anticipating tears so I need to watch this alone.

*Sure, he was thug life in high school and college but I also believe that once he had his kid, he was flying straight. The Cowherds and Wilbons (who refused to be interviewed for that piece by the way) saying that he asked for it have ALWAYS been retarded. How does someone ask for his gardeners to shoot him while he is in bed? That makes less than any sense.

*Portis was a great RB for sure but he isn't HOF material. Unfortunately, concussions mixed with turning 30 ended that career ASAP. I will always love Portis. He the real.

Since we are talking about safeties for the Redskins, I would like to add that Brandon Merriweather is fucking terrible.

T. Iceman said...

If you haven't watched it then I won't ruin it for you. But it was a great piece. Probably my favorite A Football Life so far but that isn't saying much since I've only seen 3 of these to date. Made the ELITE decision to start DVRing these every Friday.

Portis should be in the HOF for his alter egos alone. Sheriff Gonna Getcha is about as good as it gets. In all seriousness're probably right about Portis. Probably won't get in. I think 10K rushing yards is the standard to be considered in today's football. Although Larry Czonka is in the HOF with something like 8,000 yards rushing. Probably because he's white and that translates to 16,000 if he were black.

I'm not surprised Cowturd refused to be interviewed. Rarely does he apologize for the idiotic shit that oozes out of his mouth.

GMoney said...

I thought that the Brandon Marshall one was OK. But--uh--you guys sort of glossed over that domestic violence arrest. I think that his wife is smoking ass hot though.

Anonymous said...

Ice, did you ever see the Cleveland '95 one? That was excellent...and really depressing at the same time.


Prime99 said...

"Since we are talking about safeties for the Redskins, I would like to add that Brandon Merriweather is fucking terrible."

Still better than the healthy safeties on the Bears aka no one.

GMoney said...

LOL EJ Manuel benched! The Orton Express is BACK!!!

T. Iceman said...

I did see the one on the Browns, Damman. But that was a one time thing when I watched it. I think that one aired a year or two ago. I agree with your assessment and probably should have started DVRing those at that point. I have erased that mistake.