Wednesday, September 03, 2014

The Money Shot's 2014 NFL Preview/Predictions!

Gonna be a bad year for this mild-mannered scholar
As we all know by now, I am #TeamNFL when it comes to my favorite flavor of football.  And while Donkey Fucker Goodell allows the college game to debut unopposed a week early, it is time for him to re-assert his dominance and annoy the shit out of everyone with his superior product.  The NFL season begins tomorrow night!  WEEEEEEEE!  We get a rematch of the game that ended the referee strike of a few years with the Packers getting murked in Seattle!  That should be fun.  While this has been a terrible offseason for THE SHIELD, at least we can get back to playing now.  That is all that matters...the games, the gambling, the crushing disappointment, and unlimited hot takes.  Allow myself to predict the season so that you don't have to watch any of the games.

AFC East: New England 11-5, New York Jets 8-8, Buffalo 7-9, Miami 6-10
Thoughts:  I hate this division so much.  It's like the Big Ten of the NFL.  One team dominates forever and no one else matters.  You don't want to watch any of these teams play.  The offenses suck and better teams always kill them.  I don't think that there has been one time in my life where I said, "I can't wait for this weekend's Dolphins game".  Just move Buffalo already and put them out of their misery.  Kyle Orton was signed last week and is already the second best QB in the division.  Everyone else is tied with "construction site port-o-john".

AFC North: Pittsburgh 10-6, Baltimore 9-7*, Cincinnati 7-9, Cleveland 4-12
Thoughts: I'm writing this on a Damn kindle due to circumstances beyond my control.  It is not easy.  The browns are bad at offense and I feel like the rapture is near if the Bengals make the playoffs four years in a row.  I don't love the Steelers but I like them enough to win this poop division.

AFC South: Indianapolis 11-5, Tennessee 7-9, Jacksonville 6-10, Houston 5-11
Thoughts:  Everything that I said about the AFC East applies here.  Count me on Team Bortles though.  The Jags caught a lot of guff for taking this kid at 3 but I think that he will be a very good QB.

AFC West: Denver 12-4, San Diego 10-6*, Oakland 6-10, Kansas City 6-10
Thoughts: LOL Wes Welker!  The Broncos aren't winning shit this winter.  I'm a big fan of the Chargers though.  Great coach, asshole QB, stud receiver, ELITE 3rd down back, and a quality defense...I like the cut of their jibe.  Never forget that Iceman wants to have Derek Carr's butt babies.  The Chiefs have "collapse" written on them more than Andy Reid's aortic walls.  The only thing in doubt is when Dwayne Bowe gets popped for drugs again.

AFC Championship Game: San Diego over New England - I told you that I'm in the tank for the Bolts, bruh.
Woodhead in the Super Bowl?  I earned this!
NFC East: Washington 9-7, Philadelphia 8-8, Dallas 7-9, New York Giants 6-10
Thoughts:  Like I said, whoever plays Dallas in week 17 wins the division.  Everyone loves the Eagles which means that they will fall short.  Isn't that obvious?  Who else can win the East other than the "not-racists"?  The Cowboys hired a homo AND a murderer yesterday.  The Giants are absolutely terrible.  HAIL!

NFC North: Green Bay 11-5, Detroit 10-6*, Chicago 9-7, Minnesota 7-9
Thoughts: Eh, why not?  The Lions are due and I want only good things for ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER.  The Bears defense still sucks and when Catler gets hurt this season, dear God, THAT'S JIMMY CLAUSEN'S MUSIC!!!  The Packers and their moron fans win the North again.

NFC South: New Orleans 11-5, Tampa Bay 7-9, Carolina 6-10, Atlanta 5-11
Thoughts:  Herm Edwards picked the Bucs to win the NFC.  The ENTIRE NFC.  Wow.  The Saints are the best team and no one else is even close.  Cam is already half dead.  The Falcons defense is led by a reality TV piece of shit and the guy that raped Lizzy Seeburg (may not be true...probably isn't...but I feel like Prince Shembo is guilty of something. Dawg may need to clarify that one if he can keep his hands off his Chubb.

NFC West: Seattle 12-4, St. Louis 10-6*, San Francisco 8-8, Arizona 6-10
Thoughts: The Seahawks already have 8 home wins so they will repeat as division winner.  I don't care about Sam Bradford's injury either.  That doesn't effect anything.  The FACT is that the Rams have the best defense in football.  DEAL WITH IT.  They make the wild card on that alone.  The Niners are in trouble.  The coach wants out.  The QB wants out of prison probably.  Alex Boone just held out and the team caved.  Ray McDonald beats pregnant chicks.  Navarro isn't going to do anything meaningful this year.  Nothing is trending up for them.  So I'm sticking them at 8-8.  Fun FACT: Carson Palmer sucks.

NFC Championship Game: New Orleans over Seattle - Oh yeah.  This time the Saints win up there.
Super Bowl: New Orleans over San Diego - I DEMAND ROB RYAN WIN!

Sorry that this is so short. The MSFLers already know that my daughter is currently at Children's Hospital with the wife.  It's nothing serious though.  She just hasn't been able to gain any weight since birth and they are trying a bunch of things to get the calories going.  I'm sort of embarrassed that someone with my bloodline can't put on the pounds.  IT IS SO EASY!  So my head is in other places right now.  I could use a great opening weekend to take my mind off of things.  Mr. Ace returns tomorrow.  HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I'm getting cautiously optimistic about the Lions as well. I don't think they will be anything special...but, a playoff berth would be a special Lions team and I think that could happen. Their offense should be pretty ELITE....unfortunately the secondary will probably look like the 2013 OSU Buckeyes secondary AGAIN...and that will keep them from truly being competition for the good teams in the NFL.

There's no way Buffalo wins 7 games.

--Drew

Jeff said...

Hopefully Ide adds up all the wins again. I think it was him who did that before. He also got a happy birthday post from the Torg on Facebook!

I'm not buying the colts. Especially since they have sankey on their schedule, twice!

I think the steelers will be just good enough to win the shitty Norf with 9 or 10 wins.

Jeff said...

Good luck with the lil one

Nibbles said...

Can't believe Sankey went for only $14 in MSFL. Absolute STEAL

GMoney said...

I was about to mention Torg's well wishes to Ide. Turds got to stick together.

The whole hospital situation is frustrating because of how we got there. Weight has been an issue since she was born but she had her one month check-up yesterday. I wasn't there so I'm paraphrasing.

Doc: Her heart rate sounds strange and is rapid.
She$: Well, she was just crying right before you came in, can you check it again?
Doc: That sounds better. You should still take her to the ER at Children's anyway.

WTF? And of course, nothing is wrong with her other than she needs to be eating more. Overnight stay at the hospital because she's hungry. Goddamn greedy mofos.

Prime99 said...

The Bears D still makes me nervous after watching a few games. The good thing is that Jared Allen and a few others didn't play so that will help, but their safety position is weak.

In the short term, beating the Bills then ruining the Niners stadium opener would make me very happy.

I'm also surprised at Sankey- didn't think I'd end up with him, but at least he went for $9 under market value.

I hope your daughter is ok G$. Scary stuff, man.

GMoney said...

That's the problem. They scared us for no reason. Our pediatrician is a troll. God Bless me forever for drafting last night anyway.

Anonymous said...

Haven't been on facebook today but LULZ if the Torg wrote me. That is almost as good as Rupe.

G$ went 257-255 on the W/L.

Ide

Prime99 said...

I drafted Aaron Rodgers again in the draft I had after the auction last night. I wanted Brees but he was taken the pick before. I've never had Rodgers, now I have him in 3 leagues. I hope they have many high scoring losses!

GMoney said...

Wow. That's pretty fucking good! Let's take a win away from the Browns and we'll be a perfect 256-256.

I have Edelman in all 4 leagues. Adrian Peterman, Gostkowski, and Rusty Wilson in 3. Woodhead and Gerhart in 2.

Anonymous said...

I played a game of chicken with Damman and lost last night with Jordy. I'm not too overly mad with my picks as I will just now have to lord over the waiver wire like a master of blacks. Taking Studs and Scrubs to a whole new level.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Can't say I hate having Calvin Johnson and Jimmy Graham on the same team. Pretty happy with the rest of the lineup considering I blew my load early on those guy.

Good call on lowering the Browns win total. 3 wins sounds about right... they are gonna be so bad.

Seal

GMoney said...

The steal of the night was me drafting Cakes #1 overall. My God that was a great decision.

T. Iceman said...

Is this the part where I say my team isn't bad and you guys all tell me that I'm getting last? My only regret is paying $28 for Mathews. But in my defense the next best back available after Mathews was Sankey. And he can't even beat out Shonn Greene. I have 2 studs and the rest middle of the roaders. And pretty much my entire team is on a bye week 9. Looking back I probably should have stayed in on Ellington for $17 instead of Mathews for $28. Lesson learned.

I've found the best way to gain weight is a Dorito/cupcake diet. Try that. The medical system is so fucking crooked, man. Unfortunately they're necessary and they know it so they dick you around to squeeze the most money they can out of you and your insurance company. Jesus...I'm starting to sound like Ace.

GMoney said...

Oh I'm aware. Now they want to "monitor her weight" for the next 48 hours which means that the wife has to stay there for the next two days simply to pump. They are treating this one month old like some sort of hardcore anorexic. It's maddening.

Selfishly, driving downtown multiple times per day fucking sucks butts.

I caught some flack for spending 20 each on Brady and Edelman. Look, it's a bit of a leap of faith but these are still very talented white men. I'll take a risk on that any day. Peterson and Dez will be my studs anyway.

Anonymous said...

I really like my squad. I think my depf is really good. No superstars outside of Charles and if Cam can stay healthy, I'll be in good shape. If not, I can always fall back on the ELITE Eli Manning.

Sticking Ide with Jordy was my best move of the night.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

Did the doc also recommend year 'round heart worm meds?

T. Iceman said...

Damman's second best move was bidding me up on Ryan Fucking Mathews. Jesus...I'm starting to hate that pick more and more as the minutes pass. I really need Mark Ingram to take that starting job. Or Gio Bernard to die.

T. Iceman said...

The Edelman pick for $20 is not a head scratcher at all. Dude had 100 catches last year. He's a classic PPR guy. Brady at $20 was a risk because you really don't know what you're gonna get out of him this year. Could be 40 TDs could be 25 TDs. Considering guys like Matt Ryan and TBone Romo went for $4 it was risky, IMO. You could have played it safe and saved $15 in cap room for another guy you really wanted.

Like I said last night...I was surprised. I didn't see Brady going that high considering how disappointing he was last year and considering his lack of weapons outside of Gronk. Assuming that pussy stays healthy all year.

Cakes said...

Where is all of the Browns love, Seal? This is the time of year where you're allowed to be optomistic for no good reason. At least wait until we go 0-3 out of the gate to jump off the 480 bridge.

Browns defense will keep them in games. Offense won't be able to stay on field. Defense tires and we lose by 5-11 points each game. This is what I'm looking forward to. AWESOME!

Good luck with the kid, G$. I'm already freaking out about every little problem with my wife and we're still five months away from having a real human.

Anonymous said...

I'm trying Cakes, believe me I am... but after seeing that train wreck of an offense in the pre-season, I can't be optimistic. I keep trying to tell myself I am overreacting, and it was just pre-season, but any Browns fan should be prepping for a 3-5 win season.

We'll see. Go Browns dude. Make sure you let me know if you get in town for a game... will buy you a beer.

Seal

Anonymous said...

I'm still scratching my head. Fucking Damman, who admittedly sucks at auction drafts, steamrolled me. I don't hate my team, and I certainly think they could be good (I WILL beat Damman week one for this), but I really had high hopes for other players making my team.

The most LOLZ bench in history. I looked at it this morning. Auto draft LOVES some RB's. Let's go injuries!

Ide

MUfan said...

Like Drew, I'm very cautiously optimistic about the Lions. I really, really want to see them do well, but after 43 years of being a fan...well, that's really all you have to say.

Glad to hear your daughter is doing relatively okay.

Cakes said...

I will be in town for at least one game this year. I'll give you a heads up.

It might be more if DirecTV and CBS can't stop arguing about money. Seriously, fuck both parties. You DO NOT mess with one of the main NFL channels a week before the season starts. Unbelievable. Probably just a ploy to get me to order the Ticket.

I'm pretty happy with my team. I went all in on AJ Green so the ginger better find him early and often. Same thing with Gio Bernard. Fuck me. I have to root for the Bengals this season. I feel dirty already.

Not sure why I went crazy to get Riley Cooper. Might not even start him week 1. I'm regretting it right now.

Cakes said...

Oh, and EPIC choke job by the tribe last night. Well done, fellas. A few more of those and we can all give football 100% of our attention.

GMoney said...

TBone Romo is on my NEVER AGAIN list. Ryan went way cheaper than he should but it's just easier to trust the Dreamboat over other guys. A man that handsome and goat-loving couldn't possibly let me down!

At that point, there was not much left that I would have rather went 15 more on anyway.

Who else is loving the "someone must have drugged me" defense by Mushbrain Welker? That tactic has ALWAYS worked!!!

T. Iceman said...

I'm praying to God Rex Ryan uses this opportunity to jab back at Welker for the foot remarks Welker made about Ryan a few years back. Ryan is the asshat that would TOTES do it too.

GMoney said...

Uh oh...BG QB Matt Johnson is out for the season. FUCK YOU, CAKES AND WIG MASTER AND DUT AND ICEMAN AND EVERYONE THAT FUCKED FREIDA FALCON.

Cakes said...

What?! This football season has not started well in the injury department.

T. Iceman said...

They'll still be better than Miami.

GMoney said...

Better at producing not ELITE alumni IMO!