Friday, September 05, 2014

Quick Hitters For The Shitters

Winner of life.
The title of today's post implies that all of you read the daily content while taking monstrous dumps.  Don't deny it.  I know my audience.  Anyway, tomorrow might feature the #1 slate of college football games all season, but the only thing that matters is #41.  That's right, the great college football player to ever live, Touchdown Travis Prentice, is getting his number retired at his alma mater.  I heard a rumor that the #41 would be retired throughout all sports because TDTravis is way more important than Jackie Robinson but I can not confirm that at the time of this posting.  Prentice was an unstoppable force that the Browns ruined.  Had any other team drafted him, he would have been the first player to ever go into the Hall of Fame while still playing.  But it was not meant to be.  The failure of the Browns was too much even for a legend like Prentice.  I am sad that I will not be there to watch that surreal moment tomorrow but I would spend the entire day in a glass case of emotion (the losing streak ends tomorrow, too, bruh) so I will settle for watching it with constant chills down my spine. 

You are the GOAT, Travis Prentice, and even Shiekie respects the legend old country way.  How about a few quick hitters today before we get to the Glory Hole?

*Merrill Hoge put Johnny Football on blast by claiming that Manziel will flame out fast and furiously in the same manner as one Tim Tebow.  Hoge is no stranger to the HOT SPROTS TAEK so this is not a surprise.  But if Johnny is a Tenor clone then I can't wait for him to knock the Steelers out of the playoffs and win me a plate of ribs.

*Peyton Manning echoes the sentiment of Tom Brady that he is going to "play until you suck".  That makes sense considering the great quarterbacks never take big hits.  This also explains why Brady Quinn is an analyst for Fox Sports.  Does this mean that 2014 is Eli Manning's farewell tour???

*Gigantic bust Stephen Hill blames the media for him being terrible.  Oh, that's cute.  You can blame the press for a lot of things--God knows that dick-jacks like Darren Rovell deserve it--but never getting open and having bad hands isn't one of them.  By the way, the Jets traded up to get this guy while Alshon Jeffery was still on the board. 

*Josh Smiff wants to take a greater leadership role with the Pistons next season and is working harder on his play in the post.  See you in the lottery again, Detroit!!!

*Remember how Iceman's first game as a Florida season ticket holder got postponed because of weather and shitty field?  Yeah, they declared it a "no contest" which means that Will Muschamp can't even beat Idaho.  I don't get this.  Both teams have the same off date in October.  Play the goddamn game then!  Whatever, this is Urban Meyer's fault. 

*Ohio Buckeyes fans can now throw out each other.  LOL!  Ohio Stadium now has an asshole line that you can text to have drunk, belligerent, douche fans removed.  You are also subject to ejection if you STAND TOO MUCH DURING THE GAME!  Jesus Christ, I hate this shit.  Don't give dipshits the power to get rid of other dipshits.  Also, what is Drew's seat number?  I'd like for him to lead the nation in stadium ejections this season.

*YOUR NapCats head to Liberty Center tonight to re-kindle an inter-county rivalry the likes of which has not been seen in a long ass time.  Just kidding...we're going to beat those fags by 40.  Man, it would have been so sweet to play them back in my day when they were competing for state titles every year.  I would have personally kicked 14 extra points just to show them how ELITE I am.  Time to achieve glory...

The MAC Glory Hole of the Week from last week was under review as I picked Purdue to cover -10 over WMU.  HOWEVAH, everyone that I know bet that game at Boiler Up -7 so when Purdue won by 9, everybody won money.  Except for me who hit it at 10 way too early in the week.  DAMMIT.  So since I lost, I'll chalk it up as a loss.  Time to get back to .500 with some easy green.  Give me Missouri -3.5 @ Toledo tomorrow.  The line keeps going down toward the home team which is stupid.  Pinkel isn't losing where he started and for as much as I love the MAC, the SEC East champion isn't getting murked in northwest Ohio.  Plus, Michael Sam is no longer around to be a distraction.  Take the Tigers.

Enjoy the FULL WEEKEND of football.  We'll be back on Monday to break down the opening weekend of NFL action.  FYI, my family is back home again.  Just in time to show respect for the definition of "ELITE": Touchdown Travis Prentice!


Anonymous said...

I've only been kicked out of OSU basketball....they will NEVER eject me from a football game.


OSU 27 VT 13


Anonymous said...

Almost the greatest over/cover in history last night at the Arizona/UTSA. Arizona was not covering (up 3) and the score was under by 5 points. Well, UTSA had the ball at their own 30 with like 10 seconds left and not timeouts so they basically had 1 play. They tried a hook and lateral but fucked it up and ended up lateraling the ball forward and it bounced to an Arizona defender and the guy ran it back for a TD as time expired that gave them the cover and the over. Chaos ensued in my living room. But since it was an illegal forward pass that hit the ground the ball is dead on the spot. No TD. Ouch. Fuck. Thankfully I only had the over. That was some crazy shit.

Windians may finally be done.

Bigger Browns bust Touchdown Tommy Vardell or Travis Prentice?


Anonymous said...

I missed yesterday's post as I took care of a patient who was a bath salt, heroin, and meth abuser, he was fantastic. I wanted to throw my 2 cents in. The Healthcare system is corrupt, however, the government funding is setting it up for failure and the only person it is affecting is the patient. They have a survey that may randomly be sent to you in which you rate the hospital. If you rate your stay, on a multitude of factors, and the average is less than an 8/10, then the hospital does not get as much money in return. Not everyone gets this survey, but the effects are awful. Because of this, Healthcare facilities are making cuts all over to get that money back. What I am saying is that even if your hospital stay was god awful, if you rate that hospital bad, your care will only get worse in the long run due to cuts needing to be made.

Josh Gordon coming back!?!?!?! Could find out by this weekend. Suspensions may be reduced.

Kyrie Irving broke his back yesterday. Trade him, he isn't going to make it a full season.


Mr. Ace said...

I didn't see that Damman. I'm glad I didn't or I would have ruined some shit. Pretty disappointed that game didn't go OVER. But I did hit on Seattle so I didn't lose much.

Toledo has a secret weapon in Philip Ely at QB, transfer from ROLL TIDE. I think the public thought we didn't have a good QB before the first game because he wasn't named the starter until right before. Turns out we just had a solid competition. SDSU was able to throw it around a little bit on Mizz and they don't have near the firepower we do. I'm thinking Toledo knocks off a Top 25 team at home. I wish I would have bet on this when the number was higher.

Listening to Cleveland sports radio lose their shit on Mr. Factorback was pretty great last night.

GMoney said...

I want to kill that UTSA kicker who missed a 25 yard FG and thus the game doesn't go to OT which would have likely locked the over. However, like Ape, Seattle got my back, bruh.

GMoney said...

They better not reinstate Gordon. That's totally unfair to hard-working fantasy owners. If you suspend a guy for the year, there are no take-backs a week later.

Rules Committee says that if they do lessen the punishment, he must go back to his rightful owner, you goddamn cheat.

Mr. Ace said...

Lange, so they are doing to the Healthcare system what they have already done to the education system. That oughta work........

Kyrie is a big ol Cleveland Cunt.

Also on my way back to the hotel I saw Tribe fans leaving the stadium when their team was TIED in the 8th inning. Top notch fanbase there.

GMoney said...

Kyrie's back is fine because he is a real man unlike Derrick Rose.

Anonymous said...

Kurtz, it is so dumb. No one is ever happy to be in the hospital and we get to see people at their worst. IT sucks what happened to your pops but I'm worried that will be happening more and more. We are being required to take sicker and sicker patients to and expected to do more with less, as with any other job. However, we are dealing with people's lives and it is scary. I have intubated 10 people on my unit in the past month. That used to happen to a couple of people a month on the whole unit. I will stop talking about it now.

Any other lines you guys like?

Prime99 said...

Goddamn the Seahawks are scary. LS having Beast Mode tear me up wasn't fun, but it was great as I have him in my OTHER LEAGUE. Very confusing.

Nibbles finally turned down my trade offer of Sankey for McCoy. It took him awhile so he must have deeply considered it, OBVS.

GMoney said...

It's not easy betting pro games but I can't imagine the Patriots not killing the Dolphins on Sunday.

Mr. Ace said...

Lange, everything you said is why I have always said there should be no room for profit in Healthcare. But ya, not sure there is a fix coming.

I am currently on 4 games this weekend, 2 college and 2 NFL:
Michigan +4.5
Temple +3.5
Cowboys +4.5. I think SF is in trouble.
Chargers +3.
I'm sure I'll find a few more as GamblingTwitter comes alive tomorrow morning.

Nibbles said...

After checking FF last night, I was surprised to see that the trade was still outstanding.

Iceman's Eddie Lacy failing miserably against my Seahawk D last night was fun.

Looking like a solid Week 1 win for Candy Lineup.

Prime99 said...

G$- I bet the 1st half line of the Patriots/Dolphins week 15 last year. They covered my bet luckily, then lost the game. Agree that your week 1 suggestion is probably good, but there was a recent L for NE vs MIA.

GMoney said...


GMoney said...

I also like Purdue only giving 3 to a mediocre at best Central Michigan team. Ride the hot streak of Boilers covering against directional Michigan schools!

T. Iceman said...

Glad I spent $60 on a pussy who will have more concussions than Wes Welker when it's all said and done. I guess Catler will just have to throw 3 Tds all to Marshall.

This needs to be said. I fucking hate Pete Carroll a whole shit load.

GMoney said...

Did you know that he turns 63 next week? But he's just a kid out there still! Would you look at that youthful exuberance!

T. Iceman said...


Only a dick turd like Mr. Factorback Murrrrrrrrrl Hodge can make me completely flip on Manziel. I've never been closer to Team Manziel as I am right now. Hodge should shut his talk hole and stick to what he knows. Being a fucking loser, concussions and flat tops.

GMoney said...

Why would Josh Gordon even want to play in the NFL anymore when he can sell cars to morons like Cakes (who would TOTES buy a car from a celebrity) AND not get drug tested???

Prime99 said...

It worked well for Kenny Powers.

Anonymous said...

So the first time a white guy gets in trouble for drugs they already talking about reto changes to the drug policy.

That should be your HOT TAEK!

Dat da NFL is jus a bunc of raycest

- J Saul

PS - I had purdue at like -11.5 last week, I don't like your glory hole this week either. Gonna have to prove it to me that it still has that 75% glory before I start putting down the cash.

GMoney said...

Glory usually takes a week or two (sometimes three) to truly hit its stride. Once conference play starts though, we dominate. I mean we just pound Dut's mirror hole.

If you don't like Mizzou then pound Purdue again.

If you are looking for a deep sleeper with Moneyline potential...Ball State is getting 20 at Iowa and Ferentz seems to like losing to a MAC school every year.

Mr. Ace said...

Wanna get my dad fired up and yelling in his hospital bed? Put Desmond Howard on the TV talking shit about the Fuckeyes. A whole lot of "dipshit" and "dumb fucks" were thrown around.