Tuesday, September 02, 2014

College Football Week 1


"DERP DERP DERP!!!"



/sniffs the air like The Rock.  Can you smell that?  It smells of freshly cut grass, tit sweat and beer farts which can only mean one thing.  College football is officially back.  I was going to give a brief report of my first live SEC football experience but apparently when you ask the ticket office for handicap accessible seats they think you mean 80 fucking rows up in the student section.  Rectifying that situation ended up being a fucking adventure all of its own.  After Dildo McDickwad at will call offered us "standing room only" in exchange for accessible tickets we paid real actual money for, I told him no fucking thanks and got our money back.  It ended up working out in the end since there was a motherfucking monsoon in Gainesville Saturday night and the game never even happened.  But fuck those guys anyway.  Onto more football.

Michigan vs. Appalachian State

I was surprised at how little the game from 2007 was mentioned, you know...outside of the knuckle dragging Fuckeye fans who get harder about that game than they do when a naked biker bitch is getting ready to titty fuck their pencil dicks.  Love to see Michigan blow out a week 1 opponent but at the same time it was hard to tell if this team is different.  Remember Michigan merked Central Michigan week one last year and well...look how that year ended.  Two things that stood out.  First, Devin Funchess is a grown ass man and is going to be a nightmare for secondaries this year.  Second, Michigan looked 1000% better running the ball than they did a year ago which is huge.  Also Mason Cole wasn't nearly as LOL as Drew was making it out to be.

Ohio vs. Navy

Leave it to Prime to completely Cakes this one.  Navy was in command when all of a sudden Prime text me to exchange some hearty LOLs.  Ohio then proceeded to score something like 3 unanswered.  Prime is a jinx...never forget that.  Ohio ended up winning by 17 but lesbihonest...it was an ugly 17.  Even though it was great watching Fuckeye fans squirm for nearly 3 full quarters, I don't think there was ever any doubt they would find a way to win this game.  Barrett actually looked decent as the game went on but next week will be the true test.  Rubberneck Beamer will be a little tougher to beat than a bunch of guys that are the butt of military gay jokes.

Georgia vs. Clemson

Clemson's tackling...woof.  I mean, Gurley is a good back but he looked like Walter Payton Saturday night partly due to a million pussy arm tackles.  Too bad Gurley's impressive night was overshadowed by how awesome Nick Chubb's name is.  Chubb and Gurley.  What a fucking name combo in that backfield.  Georgia looks really fucking good...or Clemson looks really fucking bad.  Maybe it's a combination of the two.  Tajh Boyd gets cut from the Jets and Clemson gets ass pounded in the same day.  Tough 24 hour span for Clemson fans.

Florida State vs. Oklahoma State

Reason number fucking one why you SHOULD NOT get DirecTV unless you live in a God damn desert.  I missed the entire second half of this game because Mother Nature decided it was a good time to dump a million buckets of rain on us right when this game was starting to get good.  SportsCenter made it look like Winston had a good game because they love the taste of his ball hair.  The box score suggests otherwise.

UT Martin Vs. Kentucky

The only reason I mention this game is because Brett Favre's nephew is quarterbacking for UT Martin. And he looks awful.  Oh...and Braylon Heard had 2 carries for 116 yards and 2 scores which HAS to be the single most efficient day in the history of college football.

Wisconsin vs. LSU

Oh Lester!  What a God damn sly fox you are!  You and your fake punts and bags full of tomfoolery!  Get that man a tall, cool glass of toilet water so we can properly celebrate.  This was a really good game...you know, from what Cuntbag DirecTV allowed me to watch.  Wisconsin absolutely shit down their leg and should have come out with signature win.  But instead Lester and the Molesters came out on top.

UCLA vs. Virginia

Is the defense ripping off 3 TDs every week?  Probably not.  It seems like UCLA was one of the "sexy" picks for the playoff this year but all it takes is one horrid week to get soft on someone.  They didn't look good at all on offense.  I think it's a little premature to completely bail on the Bears right now but another performance like that and we'll see a massive UCLA stock purge.

Alabama vs. West Virginia

Holy KKK, Alabama has a black quarterback!  I bet Bear Bryant is burning crosses in his grave right now.  I can't see Alabama fans responding well to Saban throwing a black QB out there over a white guy.  Especially after the chalky white 2% milk era of A.J. McCarron.  The phone lines have to be fucking gold in Tuscaloosa right now.  Alabama struggling against a bad West Virginia team boils down to one thing, IMO.  Everything Lane Kiffin touches turns into a bag of diarrhea.  Every last bad thing that happens for ROLL DAMN NEGROS this year can be chalked up to Kiffin being terrible at everything.

That'll do it.  Welcome back to football, gentlemen.  Nothing I say at this point will be better than telling you that if you haven't seen the Eastern Michigan brick breaking video yet, drop what you're doing and watch it.  It's fucking tremendous.

53 comments:

Anonymous said...

Saban already said he is considering a 2 QB system. After one game.

Ide

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ Iceman...."Mason Cole looked decent against a high school team, but let's just wait and see on J.T. Barrett after he played against a team that will probably only be underdogs twice this year".

Buckeye game went pretty much like how I thought it would go...although I predicted they wouldn't cover the spread and they did....except for G$ who somehow got a line where he lost by half a point which is awesome. I wish they opened it up a bit more early, but understand they wanted to play it safe. The team speed at all of the skill positions has finally arrived...Damn the Bucks looked fast.

Georgia is #1 in my power rankings after week 1.

MSU is #1 in my B1G power rankings.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Drew has Power Rankings? Sign me up.

GMoney said...

Kiffin's offense was actually quite good. I mean, he will surely fail miserably soon but after one game I would say that it is a success.

Florida State went up by 12 with like four minutes left and Jimbo kicked the extra point. Then OK State scored. WHY DIDN'T YOU GO FOR TWO? I should be the coach of the Noles. Also, Jameis Squintston returned which is always terrifying.

Will Muschamp does not believe in the differently abled. If you want to watch his team play then YOU WILL WALK.

I thought that Tom Herman played Tressel Ball in the first half. If you get up on Navy at all, they can't catch up. It felt like Urb let them hang around for way too long. Let your studs be studs. Let them make mistakes in a game that you can't possibly lose. Hated the game plan there.

Paul Anderson or whatever his name is should be fired ASAP. FEED YOUR STUD THE BALL ALL GAME. They deserved to lose and I'm sure that A LOT of dumb people that go by Cakes are mad at them for not representing the Big Ten.

Cakes = TBone971

EMU Cinder Block Smash is indeed the highlight of the millenium. Man, those cats can't do anything right.

Nibbles said...

Takeaways:

-I'm still in disbelief that Melvin Gordon got 4 touches in the second half. The kid had 140 some yards, most of which came in the first half against an SEC run defense. I stand by my prediction that MGIII will win the Heisman.

-Alabama's offense will figure it out as the season goes on, but the defense is too weak. I also thought it was weird that Clinton Trickett admitted his first kiss was Saban's six year old daughter. How is this guy not a sex offender?

-Iceman's chest thumping is a week premature. A solid win over Appalachian State carries no comparison to OSU's win against Navy. Let's revisit after week 2 when we each get comparative opponents.

-Looks like my pick of overrated UCLA may turn out solid. That team was ranked high solely because of Hundley.

-Can't wait for Sparty / Ducks matchup. If MSU walks out of there with a win, give them the Big Ten crown.

GMoney said...

Please stop implying that Navy is good. They aren't. Gritty as all get out but they aren't good. They are probably better than Alpo State but let's not get crazy.

Anonymous said...

The Bucks were fine on Saturday. Barrett looked better and better as the game went on and we showed that we have some game breakers for him to go to (Marshall, Dontre, D Smith, etc). It will be interesting to see what the defense does against a more traditional offense this week.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Unrelated but just a big FUCK YOU to Dut for being too lazy to go to a bar yesterday to draft and coming up with the lamest and stupid excuse possible (my computer's battery is dead). I mean, that is just pathetic. I hope he gets EbolAIDS today.

My team is ELITE. It has to be with a starting backfield of Gerhart/Grithart and Woodhead. Don't worry, the rest of the team is rock solid. Drew and I bet Wings/CBJ tickets on it. Tried to get him to join Facebook if I best him (and I will) but he was adamant. Smart man.

Back to the topic, it just felt really good to be at a football game on Saturday. Plus, I talked to Grumpy. Always a bonus.

NAPOLEON HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES. My live-tweeting of listening to the game on I Heart Radio was legit.

Anonymous said...

Drew has a dick to suck? Sign Grumpy up.

UK football in a college football post here? Wow - Can't see I saw that coming.

Seal

GMoney said...

Is Ace back to "work" this week or what?

Anonymous said...

Yahoo! lambasted me on my draft last night. I don't think it's all so bad, though it largely hinges on Cam Newt, shit, I'm fucked. The first pick in the draft BLOWS. And GSaul kept taking my guys which was really fucking nerve wracking sitting through 22 picks to get that hope that the one guy you wanted is finally getting to you. Fuck GSaul.

However, that nude pic leak this weekend was the most ELITE thing ever. It is still updating over on reddit fyi.

Ide

Jeff said...

Clemson second half was abysmal. Actually the the end of the first half too with that FG that had no chance. Gurley and Chubbs are studs, but it also helps be playing against a D that was on the field the whole second half. The Cole Stoudt era needs to be over, now. Deshaun Watson is the man.

Buckeyes had a slow start and growing pains as expected. Oline was not pretty at points though.

Lolz at Wisco.

Anonymous said...

Jeff....good point on the OL...real bad in the 1st half.

I love me some Deshaun Watson.

Yahoo gave my draft an A, so you can pretty much Mark me down as a lock for the G$ Bowl this year.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Leaked Nudes Bro is definitely getting strong consideration for MSMotY if he is ever discovered.

Nibbles said...

Woody Dantzler could have been the quarterback at Clemson and it wouldn't have mattered. Their offensive line is turrible.

Anonymous said...

Ohio fans used to always make fun of ND for playing navy. Now that Ohio struggles against them they try to make them seem like a quality opponent. Can't have it both ways.

ND won like they were suppose to so I'm not gettin to excited. Golson did look good after not playing in a real game in 600 days which is a good sign.

Next week is a great week for college football. USC/STANDFORD FOOTBALL MSU/Oregon Ohio/vatech and mich/nd

How did Miami look g$? I saw they were blown out but looked like Hendrix had a good game
Larry

Nibbles said...

"Ohio fans used to always make fun of ND for losing to navy."


You had a typo. I fixed.

Mr. Ace said...

I thought the Fuckeyes line looked pretty terrible against an undersized Navy front. I think that is going to be a big issue the entire year. Barrett did about as expected...and his arm is weak as expected. They can work around it, but throwing deep against teams with more talent than Navy isn't going to be very successful.

I liked what I saw from Michigan in every facet of the game. I don't think we can take a whole lot from it, but it looks like Michigan knows what they want to do.

Bama looked bad on defense. Just slow and undisciplined. They aren't a top 5 team.

Why the fuck didn't Marshall blow out Miami?

Anonymous said...

If I'm not mistaken, ND used to showcase that game against Navy. Whereas OSU played them opening game twice. So, bragging about playing Navy is deplorable. Defending a triple option attack against a defense while breaking in a new qb who was thrust into the position is a little more defensible. It's not like anyone is bragging about the big win.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Off topic but I want to congratulate Cakes on being 49 games out of 1st place in the fantasy basball league going into the final. Good work.

MSFL draft is still tonight, correct?

LOLZ at Nibbles ND/Navy comment above.

-Damman

Mr. Ace said...

Yes, I am back.

MSFL draft tonight, fucktards! I need your money. You know who the fuck you are. I will end you before this season begins. Send your PAY PAL monies MoneyShotFantasies@gmail.com.

Anonymous said...

Nibbles....well played

How does ND showcase their game against navy?

Larry

GMoney said...

Larry, Marshall got up early because they are better than us at every position but we didn't help ourselves by scoring three points in the first half on three red zone trips. That said, I was expecting us to quit at halftime and we somehow dominated the second half (outscoring a team that will likely go undefeated 24-14). Hendrix looked great considering that his OL isn't very good and Marshall has unlimited sambos coming off the edge.

Martin got two unsportsmanlike conduct penalties for going HAM on the field judge who was pretty terrible but still. Loved seeing some fight and energy back on our sidelines. He's going to be a good one.

I liked what I saw. Nothing wrong with a 42-27 defeat as a 25 point dog. I almost forgot that Marshall fans are sub-human scum of the earth types. ALMOST. They are terrible hill-folk.

The losing streak ends next week. And then we will KILL MICHIGAN.

Anonymous said...

Primetime national television game is what I was referring to. I just did a quick check, and yup, that is exactly what it was. I never really made fun of ND for playing Navy, because I just made fun of ND for being ND (even more hilarious now than then!), but it does hold a different context playing it at the end of the season in primetime vs opening day.

Join a conference you scumbags.

Ide

Prime99 said...

If I have that much power, then I'm fairly certain Iceman will have a great draft tonight.

I watched a bit of both Michigan and Ohio games. I took nothing away from either game. As expected.

Anonymous said...

I find it hilarious how much it annoys people that ND is not in a conference. Why should they join a conference like the big 10? So they can play a weak schedule like Ohio does every year?

Larry

T. Iceman said...

"-Iceman's chest thumping is a week premature."

Please point out my chest thumping. Saying we ran the ball better week 1 this year than week 1 last year and that Funchess is going to be really tough to match up on (both facts) is hardly chest thumping.

Who the fuck still uses Yahoo for fantasy? That's like insisting on using dial-up for internet.

Anonymous said...

I gotta say...adding a ND slappy to the commentors section here is a beautiful thing. We needed this with how Iceman and Ape barely give a shit anymore.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

"Also Mason Cole wasn't nearly as LOL as Drew was making it out to be."

I believe this is the line Drew is referring to.

-Damman

T. Iceman said...

Is that not true? Cole played really well. The way drew was talking about Cole last week made it sound like he was going to get pancaked every down even against inferior teams.

T. Iceman said...

And Nibbles made the chest thumping comment. Not Drew.

GMoney said...

This is year 11 (I think) of the G$FL and Yahoo has been with us from the start. Nothing wrong with it.

Anonymous said...

Yahoo may actually just be better than espn imo. I enjoy the recaps after the games and also the fact that it includes a gold trophy next to my name for being a champion. That's a nice touch, and a solid reminder of how great I am.

There is nothing next to G$ name. He is irrelevant.

Ide

Nibbles said...

Maybe "chest thumping" isn't the best way to describe it. Just found it a little overboard to get so excited about a win over App State, and so down on OSU after failing to blow out Navy.

Revisit this after both teams play similar opponents this upcoming week.

I have no comment on Mason Cole as I don't think the freshman tag alone is LOLZ worthy. If he sucks, LOLZ.

T. Iceman said...

"Love to see Michigan blow out a week 1 opponent but at the same time it was hard to tell if this team is different. Remember Michigan merked Central Michigan week one last year and well...look how that year ended"

Maybe I'm missing something here but that paragraph hardly seems overboard or overly excited about a win over App St.

Prime99 said...

" Love to see Michigan blow out a week 1 opponent but at the same time it was hard to tell if this team is different. Remember Michigan merked Central Michigan week one last year and well...look how that year ended."

Goddamn Iceman and his chest thumping! Stop with the Michigan propaganda already!

Cakes said...

OSU looked OK. We can stop scheduling well-disciplined, triple-option running, warriors to open the season from now on. Getting cut-block for four quarters while trying to tackle ghosts is not my idea of a good time to open up the season.

JT progressed pretty well as the game went on. I'm cautiously optomistic that he'll be able to handle the pressure and give us a chance to win a bunch of games this year. We'll see what happens against a real team like VT but Navy is no pushover.

There is no question that OSU looks really fast now. Samuel and Wilson are on another level.

I didn't see much of the Miohigan game but it went about how everyone expected it to. There was no way they weren't going to blow them out. Michigan will ge their first test next week as well.

CHOKE JOB! Way to go, Wisky. That should lead to another week of SEC! SEC! talk.

Cakes said...

"Off topic but I want to congratulate Cakes on being 49 games out of 1st place in the fantasy basball league going into the final. Good work."

Thanks! That's what happens when almost all of my top 7 picks are on the DL or lost for the year.

T. Iceman said...

Sorry Prime. I'll try to keep my chest thumping to a dull roar.

"but Navy is no pushover."

that should read:

"but whoever Ohio struggles against is no pushover."

Grumpy said...

Miami did not get blown out. It was an 8 pt. game with a little over 2 minutes to go.

UK and football is an oxymoron. Never make Drew's power rankings.

Cakes said...

Navy won 9 games last year, won a bowl game and has a Heisman candidate at quarterback. That means they aren't a pushover in my book.

T. Iceman said...

You said the same thing about UAB 2 years ago after you beat them 29-15 and they went 3-9 that year.

Anonymous said...

I just looked at Septmeber 2012 in the Money Shot archives and found no instances of Cakes talking up UAB before or after that game. More lies here...sad.

--Drew

Cakes said...

Yeah I don't remember saying that either. Glad we have Drew the fact-checker to call out ICeman's lies.

Look, should we have beat them by more? I guess. They covered the spread but it was still Navy. That being said, OSU played a freshman QB who hadn't had a down of competitive football in TWO years, went against an offense created by an evil wizard, tried to protect said freshman QB with a brand new OL and went on the road to start the season for the first time since '98. All things considered, I'm happy with the result.

I didn't say one peep to you about App. St, Ice (which doesn;t sound like me at all). Reign it in until we have some more data to pour over after next week.

T. Iceman said...

Glad we have Drew with no life to check archives from 2 years ago to fact check something I never said happened on this site. Even more sad. I know it's crazy to think that an Ohio football conversation can happen via text message between two people that exchanged phone numbers long ago, but it does happen so try to wrap your head around that technology. I don't know...maybe Drew can try and access my text message convos with Cakes from 2 years ago to verify my claim since he OBVS has nothing else better to do. It's a verizon phone, Drew. Start from there.

Mr. Ace said...

Yall sum fags.

Anonymous said...

I love when people get mad when I fact check. HOW DOES SOMEONE HAVE THE AUDACITY TO HOLD PEOPLE ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR POSTS HERE?!?!?!

Cakes denies it....it doesn't even make sense....wasn't posted here and you can't provide proof of it. Verdict: LIE

--Drew

T. Iceman said...

Cakes doesn't remember what he did 10 minutes ago and is notorious for being a Buckeye homer. VERDICT: Truth.

Anonymous said...

Y'all sum fags

--Michael Sam

T. Iceman said...

50 comments. Good start to the college football season, IMO.

Prime99 said...

Definitely gives Drew reading material for two years from now.

T. Iceman said...

Drew: Internet Policeman. Gotta keep those interwebs honest, man. Serve and protect.

Prime99 said...

Though, I will admit Drool getting Ape to admit to making up facts last week was fantastic.